Spoiler for section 8 review:
‘those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven’
The cathedral walls are flanked with statues: hundreds of characters made of plaster, grimacing as if pushing their way out of the folds of their stone surfaces. Sister Latea, her hand trailing her as she navigates the sanctuary, knows all the statutes by heart. A bearded Methuselah with a staff in his right hand. Tamar seducing Judah. Joseph fleeing from the embrace of Potiphar’s wife, the sharp flex of rock folded like fluttering cloak.
~~~ the sharp flex of rock folded like fluttering cloak.
~~ Not sure on this one, but intended to be "like _a_ fluttering cloak"?
At the altar, Sister Latea can smell the remains of the host. Stray crumbs prick her fingers, the three-day old scent of wine lingering in the edges of the chalices. The dry air tugs at the back of her throat. She moves beyond the altar, passing through splashes of what she knows is light, to a corner to pray.
She knows now that it’s quite pointless to utter any words when a greater being supposedly knows her thoughts. So instead she crosses two open palms over her chest and tries to channel her yoki into her now blank vision, trying to see from the cathedral back to the orphanage where the children wait for their weekly instruction.
She sees the swelling colours of stained glass dripping down onto her arms. The single stabbing spear of sunlight illuminating the dark cathedral. The spire beyond. The streets with their buildings like soldiers, draped in Rabonan colours. The mountains rising from the frame of the easternmost gate. The hilly incline where she can still remember, in her mind’s eye, the dense thicket by the stream.
And finally the sun dancing on the water, as the current carries away flecks of blood –
The last thing she can remember seeing, physically, before everything turned to black.
But she concentrates again, and finds seven burning signals enmeshed in the buildings around the city. To her, their yoki glistens like the eager eyes of children she hasn’t seen in too long. She finds their individual signatures: Yuma’s curled palm, the whiff of jasmine from Cynthia, angular scowl on Deneve’s face, the acid taste of Helen’s apple, the black veil bunched at Miria’s throat, Clare’s unblinking eyes, and the blush of light on her cheek as Tabitha closes her eyes and leans into the sunshine.
Still, she returns to the orphanage, waiting outside the door. Sister Latea whispers her own Amen. She plays the stories of these seven warriors she will tell to the children today, as the sound of their voices guiding her home.
~~~ She plays the stories of these seven warriors she will tell to the children today, as the sound of their voices guiding her home.
~~ Difficult to pinpoint where, but overall awkwardly written. Could use slightly better clarity.
END
Overview:
I will note that the base story is very well written. It has no fundamental technical errors of the type that I usually spend all of my time correcting, so I'm actually free to make second-order technical corrections.
I don't do that often because such notes are of necessity far more verbose than fundamental technical corrections, to the point where my notes can end up longer than the story itself. It's a lot of work, but your story is short enough for it to be quite manageable. You're at a stage that's good enough that I can get serious about a review, and also not have to torture myself with the difficulty of explaining all the higher-order flaws.
While I made a lot of critique notes, you'll notice that most of them are clustered in the earlier sections. This is typical, as the writer often gets more into the flow of the story as it progresses, leaving less for me to correct. If you can write the early parts with the strength of the latter parts, it will serve you well.
You have a diverse vocabulary, and are adept at strongly flavorful text (though there is an occasional tendency to go overboard). The greatest weaknesses would probably be the pacing (as defined by the sentence structure), both in terms of consistency and appropriateness, along with difficulty in maintaining clarity with respect to the actors in a scene.
Overall, well worth reading.