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Old 2011-09-23, 00:43   Link #4116
Kinematics
Let's play a game!
 
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Spoiler for section 8 review:



Overview:

I will note that the base story is very well written. It has no fundamental technical errors of the type that I usually spend all of my time correcting, so I'm actually free to make second-order technical corrections.

I don't do that often because such notes are of necessity far more verbose than fundamental technical corrections, to the point where my notes can end up longer than the story itself. It's a lot of work, but your story is short enough for it to be quite manageable. You're at a stage that's good enough that I can get serious about a review, and also not have to torture myself with the difficulty of explaining all the higher-order flaws.

While I made a lot of critique notes, you'll notice that most of them are clustered in the earlier sections. This is typical, as the writer often gets more into the flow of the story as it progresses, leaving less for me to correct. If you can write the early parts with the strength of the latter parts, it will serve you well.

You have a diverse vocabulary, and are adept at strongly flavorful text (though there is an occasional tendency to go overboard). The greatest weaknesses would probably be the pacing (as defined by the sentence structure), both in terms of consistency and appropriateness, along with difficulty in maintaining clarity with respect to the actors in a scene.

Overall, well worth reading.
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