Quote:
Originally Posted by Kadi
Skimmed over it.
Too much infodumb, too much dialogue, not enough description and no reason to care about the cliche characters.
To improve, cut down on or space out the infodump, try to work it into other descriptions. Considering your target audience, you can probably cut some of it altogether, assuming we know it. Try to work in more descriptions of the surroundings, actions, reactions, not just dialogue, dialogue, dialogue. That can help the characters a bit, but frankly, I hate the types you went with. One hurt introvert teen being the funny, clueless newbie. One generic friend. One tomboyish older sister-type. One emo, bullied teen becoming No. 1 badass plus his virtual love affair. No reason to care.
The game system seems limiting, boring and of questionable design, too.
In the end, I've read worse, but the question "why am I reading this again?" remained throughout.
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yeah, i'm going to revise the first part.. i'm trying to make the dialogue alive, and move the needless info somewhere else T_T...
as for description, i'm really bad at it, so i'm still learning at how to describe the situation, setting, scenery..
as for the game system, i'm trying to make it as real as possible, no action or skill that's to grand just for the sake of entertainment,, and of course there's a reason behind that.. hehehe..
as for why you're still reading it? maybe it's interesting? hahaha...
any way, thank you for your comments, it really helped me a lot... i'm on my way to revise the first part and hopefully it can be finished in a month,,, and probably i'm on my way to write the second book too..
i think you'll find the second part more interesting though.. because i explain vaguely about the story, the character, but the second book will make all of you trying to kill me because of the development that i will write.. hehehe...
thank you for your comments and feed back... I thank you for spending your time reading this too... i'll try to come up with a better one next time...