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like to talk to fish?
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Quote:
Originally Posted by typhonsentra
Roan PMed a bunch of very interesting excerts just now, all highlighting Ryuuji's feelings for Taiga:
Spoiler for Volume 4:
"Ryuuji....where are you? Ryuuji....."
"I'm over here!"
A small hand passed over his cheek. It was Taiga's hand, he knew by reflex and he brought out his arm and pulled her waist to him. Just for now, Taiga didn't shout and clung tight to his body. However, the monstrous sound wouldn't stop and Ryuuji was close to falling down.
This had to be a dream. This had to be a nightmare.
If this was real......something might jump out and kill him. He recalled Yasuko's face. If something happened to him, Yasuko would probably die. Then nothing would be left. ....If he was going to die, he should have just confessed to Minori. Even if she was disgusted, even if their friendship was broken, it wasn't the sort of relationship that was worth dying for.
And if this was reality, that dream was far, far, better. That dream of that dog future with Taiga. It was dull, it was pathetic, but it was kind of happy....or it might have been. It took something like this to happen for him to start thinking that way.
Taiga was there, Yasuko was there, Inko-chan was there, a house, a dog-house, but a house was there, and there were many children, puppies, but children, and Yasuko happily held her grandchildren....he should have told Taiga about it. He probably would have been hit by her, but he should have said at least something.
He should have said that, "that " wasn't so bad.
Spoiler for Volume 5:
Ryuuji continued to think again and again. it's my fault . The image of Taiga shimmered inside his mind. He remembered looking at her back as she ran to her father after being told to by Ryuuji. He remembered seeing her arms latching on to her father's shoulders. He remembered her restless, but embarassed blushing face when she stood by her father beneath the street lamp.
Taiga looked happy, she really looked so happy, she had always, always, looked so happy......and Ryuuji....was truly sad.
He was sad and he hated it. There was a feeling deep inside him that he continued to look away from. It was the feeling of him wishing that Taiga's father never came. Then, they could have lived together, the three of them, as normal. By being relied upon by Taiga, by being needed by Taiga, by being spoiled by Taiga, he felt like his own existence had been validated. But by having all of that stolen from him, he felt like he was abandoned, and Ryuuji was sad and he hated it. Because he began to notice he felt like that, he had to desperately tell himself that this was a "good thing."
That's right. He didn't let Taiga go because he believed in his father. It was for his own sake. He pretended to be thinking about Taiga. He tried to make up for his falts and deficiencies through Taiga. He even threatened her, asking her if she could throw away the thing that he wanted but could never obtain.
If Taiga became happy with her father, he felt like it would make up for his sin of forcing Yasuko to part ways with her parents. Even though Taiga and Yasuko were different people, as long as he atoned even once, he thought that he could rest easy. He thought that he wouldn't have to think anymore that he was an unneeded child, that it was a mistake that he was born.
But inside, he wished Taiga's father would disappear. He wanted to be next to Taiga. To prove the worth of his own existence.
He wondered just how far his idiocy extended. He wondered just how selfish and how pathetic he was.
And divine retribution fell upon him in this form.
Spoiler for Volume 9:
For a long time, the only person in Ryuuji's world was Yasuko. He was held by Yasuko, a girl too young to be a mother, and just the two of them alone were hurled off from a safe boat where everyone was on, and into the sea,. Ryuuji clung to Yasuko desperately, and while drifting in relentless waves, he felt that if he left go of her hand, everything would end. Everything would end if that one person he was holding on to disappeared. He would be alone forever. He had been thinking that way and had been terrified for a long time.
But Ryuuji slowly became bigger. Even while he was drowning, he picked up the ability to swim through the waves. He began to feel that it was okay to let go of Yasuko's hands. He can swim by himself, he can find a safe boat with his own power, and then he can pull Yasuko in.
That had been what he thought.
That's why, when Yasuko's hands tried to enclose him because she didn’t think he was ready yet, -
"Takasu-kun, you never disobeyed your mother before have you?"
- He tried to brush her away.
Ryuuji who had nodded his head to - "Sit here," Be a good boy," "Wait here until I come back," "Study," "Let's eat together," "Don't work," - all of Yasuko's orders, disobeyed his mother for the first time. The reason why he decided to work without going to college was because of this. Because he wanted to shake away Yasuko's hands and disobey her.
He didn't know where he was going and he didn't know what he wanted to do. But Ryuuji wanted to swim by himself.
By standing in the "right" direction, he wanted to blame and win over "wrong" Yasuko. He wanted to get the edge over her. He knew his decision was irresponsible. He knew he wasn't thinking of his future properly. But because he knew that, he was "right"....he knew that he was becoming the victim of the correct choice.
Finding a job and not graduating isn't going to make Ryuuji into a victim. He knew that letting his choices be picked by what's correct while not finding his own goals was going to turn him into a victim. If his path was going to be chosen like this, then going to college, working, studying abroad, is going to sacrifice his future.
He was looking at the last of his own wishes and had thought that he was retreating towards the correct direction.
But he couldn't deny it now that he felt something pleasant inside his retreating self, inside his gradually closing future.
He knew that by doing this, he could hurt Yasuko. He knew it as a fact. And he wanted to overcome her. The one and only, sole existence of his mother. He wanted to become a person that would be okay even if he lost his mother.
If he rebelled against and surpassed her, he felt he could overcome the fear of everything ending once he lost his mother.
But just how much power did he have in swimming by himself? He didn't know. Because he didn't know, he wanted to try. At any rate, he wanted to shake off the hands of the adults trying to protect him even if it meant sacrificing himself. It might have been just that.
But, because she couldn't believe that he was safe, Yasuko tried to pull in her son who was leaving her. Then Ryuuji, was struck by it again. By this familiar fear.
But the fear this time wasn't directed at the cold sea that was robbing him of his mother, but the fear that his unreliable swimming was going to sacrifice his mother and drown her.
What was causing the fingers covering his mouth to tremble wasn't just the cold.
"I....I caught you!"
His elbow was caught from behind and he stumbled. He couldn't believe that Taiga would follow him this far when she was wearing only her sandals. She tugged Ryuuji's elbow with tremendous power and he turned around with great momentum and tottered forward.
"Ryuuji! Stop, I said stop!"
"....It's my,"
"I said stop you idiot! You're worrying me! Didn't you notice that you almost got hit by a car from the side!?"
He still tried to run away, but she kicked him in the butt. It didn't hurt, but he fell to his knees and couldn't run anymore.
"It's my fault....it's my fault."
He clung to an electric pole miserably, then moaned inside himself for the world to give him a break. He didn't want to show his face to Taiga and rubbed his face against his arm while he frantically held on to the pole.
"What are you saying!?"
"It's my fault that Yasuko collapsed. It's my fault. It's my fault."
"You....you're feeling responsible for pushing her? But, but, it, it can't be helped! It's anemia, it's human health, she's still human no matter how careful she is, there's times when people just get sick! It has nothing to do with you! And, Ya-chan's your mom! Nobody can stop Yacchan from pushing herself for your sake, right!?"
He could hear Taiga's desperate, nearly gasping voice ringing inside his ears. Taiga's parents probably never did anything for her, and because of that, her words, her telling him innocently that he should "accept it" without knowing the weight of the feelings of parents, pushed Ryuuji even more. He was confronted face to face with his own feebleness and by how spoiled he was.
"What do you know?"
His voice spasmed and his lips trembled.
"Yasuko turned out like that because of me. If I could take care of myself, if Yasuko could trust me, if she could rely me, she wouldn't have to be like that."
"I....I.....don't know what to say...."
He knew her small hand touched his shoulder as if she was unsure of what to do. Taiga's hand stayed on Ryuuji's back.
He tried to knock away her hand.
Just like he did with Yasuko's hand, he tried to shake off Taiga's hand by jolting his body. But,
"....What....what should I do.....!?"
"Ryuuji...."
They touched only for an instant.
Her heat, her body heat, passed over to his cold fingertips as powerful stimulus.
Despite all this, Taiga is staying with him. His instincts told him that this was his final salvation. Everything he was worrying about burned out at that moment.
By reflex, he strongly clutched on to the hand of Taiga he tried to brush away. Inside the circle of artificial light comprised by the streetlamps, Taiga opened her eyes wide open.
The bones in Taiga's terrifyingly slender fingers grated inside a hand that couldn't control itself. Even so, Taiga didn't say once that it hurt, that she wanted him to let go.
Instead of saying anything, she looked at him with her deep, brilliant eyes with a gaze that violently stirred up Ryuuji's mind. She stepped forward with force that no one else could copy. Taiga moved in with power difficult to resist. Tearing through the canopy of the pitch black sky epanding over the imaginary sea, Taiga's white face saw through everything inside Ryuuji's mind.
Taiga's hand was extended out from the hole towards Ryuuji as he drowned in the waves.
Maybe I'll cling to her
"What should I do!? Is it okay for her to let her do anything because she's my mother!? How are you going to keep Yasuko from pushing herself for my sake!? Do you know how I'm feeling!?"
The hand of Taiga's that he was latching to was too small,
"I, I"
And if he wanted to, it felt like he could shatter it.
"Hate, I hate myself so much I can't help it....!"
But, he didn't want that.
He believed strongly that he must not cling to Taiga. Ryuuji with desperation, fought off the urge - the urge to cling to her hand, cry out all his feelings, and expose all of his pain.
But once he did that, he knew that Taiga would move for Ryuuji's sake. Taiga's someone that would do anything for others, for him, for the person she loves. He couldn't let himself do that. He couldn't.
He couldn't let her do anything.
He couldn't Taiga do anything or him.
He couldn't let her drown for his sake.
Because, she's important to him. Because she's someone that he absolutely can't lose. Because he absolutely can't lose Taiga. Back on the day of the avalance, he learned that fact so much it hurt.
The more important someone was, the more he couldn't let them do anything for him. That's why he couldn't show her his pain. He didn't want to let him know what was inside him.
He had kept thinking that it was painful to not be understood and not understanding others. But he had thought that people went about finding ways to connect with each other and lived on the joy of achieving that. He hadn't known that there were things that he didn't want others to understand.
*snip*
And this is where he comes up with the idea, by himself, of showing off to Yasuko that he can stand on his own too feet by filling in Yasuko’s place at her part-time job. He’s tempted to give in to her, but he fights it off because that’s just how important she is.
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WOW! Roan, Did you type all that out? OMG that musta taken a long time. How come you didn't just post it to begin with? I noticed that your last post said to PM you, but I thought you had done so much for everyone so far that I didn't want to bother you.
Are there any other excerpts?
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