|2004-02-02, 17:02||Link #42|
Join Date: Nov 2003
I came across a few.... Lawyer Jokes ^_^ hope you like them
1.>Abby: What do you call an honest lawyer?
Debbie: An oxymoron.
2.>There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”
|2004-02-18, 13:33||Link #43|
Smooth and Curvy...
Join Date: Jun 2003
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and --WHACK!! -- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big guy knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."
So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and --Bong!!!-- bangs the big guy off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!
The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."
EDIT: I had to add this one.
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
|2004-02-20, 12:42||Link #45|
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happily.
One day while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the woodcutter's wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You cheat! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You will come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also say 'no' to her, You will thirdly come up with my wife, and I will say 'yes,' and then all three will be given to me. But Lord, I am a poor man and I will not be able to take care of all three wives, so that's why I said yes this time."
The moral of the story is whenever a man lies, it is for an honorable and useful reason.
|2004-02-20, 12:43||Link #46|
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Saif had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," Saif said.
"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got!"
Saif just reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the wise-ass, young man, he says, "All right. Get in..."
|2004-02-20, 12:46||Link #47|
A few minutes before the church services started, the towns-people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said; "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all Eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
|2004-02-20, 12:47||Link #48|
waiting in line
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.
Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied.
"I'm a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
|2004-02-20, 12:52||Link #49|
a wise man
The old Cherokee chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the US Government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You have observed his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done."
The Chief nodded that it was so.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night making love to women."
The Chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if
they already know everything."
Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you've been in it
for a while...it isn't so hot.
"I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get
to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen."
"If you're playing a poker game and you look around the
table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you."
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.
"The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant.
Every table had an argument going."
"According to a recent survey, men say the first thing
they notice about a women are their eyes.
And women say the first thing they notice about men
is they're a bunch of liars."
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred
dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now
the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
"Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.
I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but
it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half
for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."
Last edited by dragonz20; 2004-02-20 at 13:11.
|2004-03-17, 05:18||Link #51|
Weapon of Mass Discussion
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: New York, USA
A man was sitting at a bar listening to a pianist playing the most beautiful music he had ever heard, but when he turned to watch the pianist play, he was no where in sight.
Puzzled, the man asked the bartender "Is that a 'Player Piano?, I've never heard one play so well before."
The bartender answered, "No sir, There's a man whose only a foot tall playing the thing. Go check him out for yourself." The man went over and saw him play and then came back to the bar.
"Where did you ever find him, that's amazing!"
The bartender replied, "I got him as a result of a wish from this magic lamp. Would you like to try?"
The man agreed to give it a try and wished for the first thing he could think of... POOF! An enormous flock of ducks suddenly appeared out of nowhere, filling the bar and spilling out into the street!
The man says, "Wait a minute, I asked for a thousand bucks, and it looks like I got a 1000 Ducks, what gives?"
The bartender responded, "Sorry buddy, but do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
|2004-03-17, 11:51||Link #53|
<Edofnor> #1 pickup line of all time: "Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
<%Hamtaro> I tried to register the AIM name "Your mother"
<%Hamtaro> And got this
<%Hamtaro> Create a Screen Name
<%Hamtaro> Sorry, Your mother is already in use
|2004-03-17, 11:52||Link #54|
<Eticam> I was in biology class once, and the teacher said there was sugar in sperm
<Eticam> And a girl asked why doesn't it taste sweet then
<Eticam> When she realised what she said her face became red like a spanked monkey ass
<Eticam> Then the teacher said, because you taste sweetness with the front of your tongue, not the part of your tongue back in your throat
<Eticam> The girl started crying and left class ^^
|2004-03-17, 11:54||Link #56|
<Casey8> Diana Ross' husband died
<Casey8> fell while climbing in South Africa or something
<JennAway> that's sad
<Bubbaprog> i guess there is a mountain high enough
docsigma2000: jesus christ man
docsigma2000: my son is sooooooo dead
docsigma2000: hes been looking at internet web sites in fucking EUROPE
docsigma2000: HE IS SURFING LONG DISTANCE
docsigma2000: our fucking phone bill is gonna be nuts
c8info: Ooh, this is bad. Surfing long distance adds an extra $69.99 to your bill per hour.
docsigma2000: ...!!!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK
docsigma2000: is there some plan we can sign up for???
docsigma2000: cuz theres some cool stuff in europe, but i dun wanna pauy that much
c8info: Sorry, no. There is no plan. you'll have to live with it.
docsigma2000: o well, i ccan live without europe intenet sites.
docsigma2000: but till i figure out how to block it hes sooooo dead
c8info: By the way, I'm from Europe, your chatting long distance.
** docsigma2000 has quit (Connection reset by peer)
|2004-03-17, 11:54||Link #57|
<Cthon98> hey, if you type in your pw, it will show as stars
<Cthon98> ********* see!
<AzureDiamond> doesnt look like stars to me
<Cthon98> <AzureDiamond> *******
<Cthon98> thats what I see
<AzureDiamond> oh, really?
<AzureDiamond> you can go hunter2 my hunter2-ing hunter2
<AzureDiamond> haha, does that look funny to you?
<Cthon98> lol, yes. See, when YOU type hunter2, it shows to us as *******
<AzureDiamond> thats neat, I didnt know IRC did that
<Cthon98> yep, no matter how many times you type hunter2, it will show to us as *******
<AzureDiamond> wait, how do you know my pw?
<Cthon98> er, I just copy pasted YOUR ******'s and it appears to YOU as hunter2 cause its your pw
<AzureDiamond> oh, ok.
<Rocksteady> quick i need a funny way to wake up a roomate that doesn't involve sex or feces
|2004-03-17, 11:57||Link #59|
<Supra87T> now i have to get tested for aids.
<Snipa> Think positive
<Supra87T> fuck you man, thats not even funny
<scirDSL> I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.
<Swenja> If you handed people a box that said "Danger! Crotch-eating crickets inside! Do not shake! Do not open!"
<Swenja> ....ten minutes later, there'd be screaming and chirping, and crickets all over the place...