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Old 2007-08-19, 19:47   Link #1
nathalie112689
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Androphobia - fear of men

Well, I guess I might as well get started and tell my story since this thread is on the subject lol.

I don't know if I really am afraid of men like I am phobic towards them, but I think I am. When I was in 5th grade, this guy was being so mean to me. He bullied me so much, but I was only scared of him and not of other guys. The cruelest thing he did was cut strands of my hair. I hated him after that. But, in junior high school, guys noticed me more. I was very shy and quiet. I hardly spoke to anybody. So they bullied me. Even in class or in the lunchroom when one of them was bothering me, I wouldn't call for anyone to help me. All I could think about was not being able to defend myself, and felt thoroughly miserable for simply letting myself be attacked and attacked. I was bullied nearly everyday in 6th grade, and I endured a lot of verbal abuse. Sometimes people would watch what was going on and feel sorry for me. I can say some of them tried to tell them to stop it, at first, until the bullying kept going on and on. And I still wouldn't defend myself.

6th grade was also the first time a guy tried to sexually harass me. After that event, my eyes opened a bit more to the differences between guys and girls and why things were not the same as elementary school anymore. But it was 7th grade when I really understood when I was sexually harassed a second time the sudden reason why I should be afraid men -- their capabilities. Realizing this, I wanted to avoid men as much as possible. None of the guys at school had positive influences on me. They were lewd and perverted enough in junior high school talking about doing it and using slang terms for this and that. Even some of the girls would joke around with them. Other times the guys would try to cope a feel at a girl.

I was so scared they would try to touch me, too, but I was terrified enough of when one of them would poke or prod me in the shoulder or arm when purposely bugging me.

Since high school, I've minimized my contact with men. Even the nicest guys I've met, I had doubt in my mind thinking about the consequences if they turn on me and try to do something to me. I've never had a guy friend since elementary school. That was before I got myself into this big mess of a fear of guys.

Every time I see a guy, I think about something of the past when I started being afraid of men and the things that happened. So naturally I am cautious. I am relieved when guys don't look at me or find me uninteresting so I can calm down.

My fear of men sounds a little extreme when I've already sweared off ever trying to find love, or marry, or have children. I just don't think it's possible. Along with my fear of men, my fear of intimacy is associated with this.

I was wondering if anyone else feels the way I do about men. =/
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Old 2007-08-19, 20:40   Link #2
Deathkillz
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Hi, I'm a cousine of the person who uses this account (a girl cousine), and i know how you feel on the whole fear thing. I'm not saying all girls do, but i've had a similar history to you, I'm also 17 and (sometimes) have a negative view of boys/men. But there's one big difference, instead of being afraid of them i'm angry/hate them, i know not all males are bad, i'm friends with some of the most understanding i've ever known. But i guess i've never been too good with relationships or anything.

Every time i get to know a boy, out the back of my head comes bad memories (similar to yours) but intsead they are the ones of boys teasing me to the point i go crazy with anger; when i was bullied i never held back, i always defended myself no matter what- even if i knew i'd have a black eye the next day i'd still lash out. And for that, people treaded carefully around me.

...I guess my point is, that i think perhaps you should think more strongly about your situation. I'm not asking you to hate, but maybe to tell yourself that you can defend yourself, that your not as helpless as you feel when you're around men. Don't fear anything, because i believe girls can be just as strong and dominant *giggles*.

Here's what I'd do (suggestion only):

Whenever I'm in public, always act as if nothing in the world phases me (especially around boys). You'd feel stronger that way, ALWAYS look straight in the eyes when talking with somebody. I figured this makes a large difference, since i was once a shy girl (head down all the time ^^). Don't give out a single clue that you are afraid.

Remember that some of the nastiest, buffest boy bullies are mainly brawn and no brains, if you can outsmart them, show them up by talking, that also helps. Remaining silent only lets them continue the bullying. but don't talk so much as to let them know that they are actually bugging you, coz that just makes them want to continue.

And finally, confidence: make sure you have friends around you, the more the merrier. It should make you feel more secure, but don't take advantage of it, because if people see that you are nothing without friends, they'll try to pick on you when you are alone. Also, friends give you support, therefore you'll feel more secure and confident. ok?

......
........
..........

but if all else fails, carry a knife around and stab the ones you fear in the gonads- jk jk! What you really should do, is look for psychological help. i'm not saying your crazy or mental or anything, but if it's really so bad, it's a phobia, and should be delt with because it'll affect your everyday life. Some schools have these kind of people around to help students in need. Tell your parents if you have to, just please don't be silent about it.

^_~/ good luck!

Kentari

ps. please, i hope nobody takes offence to what i've just typed, i don't think boys are evil, its a feeling that can't be helped D:
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Old 2007-08-19, 20:49   Link #3
Kiva128
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I'll just keep this short. Life is too short to live in fear. You know anyone here could die tomorrow. You, me, doesn't matter. Does that mean you stop going outside? Quit your job?

So you're scared of guys because of some asshole(s). Well I got news for you, life isn't so convienient. What are you going to do when you get a job (assuming you don't have one yet) Not work with any guys? I doubt you can keep that up for the rest of your life.

Face your fears or become consumed by them. It's your choice.

Infact due to a couple of things that happened to me, I don't trust women much anymore. But I'll never be scared of them. Never.
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Old 2007-08-19, 21:15   Link #4
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Hey, anyone can be cruel. Men, women, it's all the same. There's not a gene or something like that that makes men more cruel than women. I've had my share of really bad girl acquaintances and really bad men acquaintances. Though I know I'll never be able to understand the fear you get when you are near males, I can tell you this: There's nothing "special" about males. Just as there's nothing "special" about women.
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Old 2007-08-19, 21:21   Link #5
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I'm male, and here's my take on the situation:

Despising and fearing all men simply because of the actions of a choice group of morons, simply isn't right. What happens when you grow up and seek a life on your own? Short of a jettison to the moon, avoiding men (and women, as well) is about impossible.

There is an old saying of mine - each man is created with a brain, and a penis... but only enough blood to run one at a time. True, the blood supply and brainpower of some men seems to be directed solely towards carnal urges. This in no way means that every single man has sex on his mind 100 percent of the time.

Indeed, some men grope women. Some women also molest little boys. But does this in any way mean that all women, based on the actions of a select group, are little-boy-loving, Michael-Jackson-caliber pedophilic sickos? My point exactly.

Therefore, there is no reason at all whatsoever to be afraid of men. For protection, simply buy a can of pepper spray or a taser for self-defense. If one of them happens to try to molest you, give him a good mace-and-eyeball marinade/electric shock to the gonads and I can almost guarantee you he'll back off.
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Old 2007-08-19, 21:25   Link #6
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Originally Posted by Urotsukidoji View Post
There is an old saying of mine - each man is created with a brain, and a penis... but only enough blood to run one at a time.
That's not yours! Robin Williams said that like 3 years ago you credit stealer, you! *shakes his fist in a non-aggressive manner*

P.S. For the sarcastically-impaired I wasn't being serious.
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Old 2007-08-19, 22:31   Link #7
Zero Shinohara
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@nathalie112689 :

I wouldn't blame you for fearing men after all that, I definitely wouldn't. But there're nice people out there, even if they're hard to find. Maybe someday you can find the guy who will step in and do the right thing.

Quote:
Infact due to a couple of things that happened to me, I don't trust women much anymore. But I'll never be scared of them. Never.
We have similar issues, then. Personally, I don't think I'm scared of women for the most part, although whenever the possibility of intimacy or a relationship arises, I'll quickly get away and isolate myself from that person. It's something that has made me lose a handful of friends already. And I basically don't trust anyone - I'll give people waivers granting a bit of my trust, but those are easily taken away if they don't meet my expectations. It might make me a hypocrite and a jerk, but unfortunately it's not something I can change at this point.

However, most of my friends are female and we get along really well. It's not so much a matter of being male or female, but of being human. When it comes to being untrustworthy, gender doesn't really matter, does it?
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Old 2007-08-19, 22:53   Link #8
Risaa
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Awww

I'm actually quite the opposite -- I'm a lot more uncomfortable around girls (I am one, just to clarify). There was once a time when I had friends who were only girls, and I realized that just as girls can often be more sensitive than guys, they also tend to be more emotionally cruel, going around to secretly backstab you, tear up cards and letters with a smile, etc.. Guys, on the other hand, tend to punch you and get it over with. Between being emotionally scarred and having a black eye, I'd rather have a black eye.

(Notice I use "tend to"... This certainly doesn't apply to ALL girls or guys.)

Deathkillz's cousin is right - even if you're feeling like pudding inside, stand up straight and give direct eye contact. Try not to stutter (whoops, first I wrote "slutter" ) and act like you're in control of yourself. It's unintentional, but I know I end up intimidating a lot of people by doing this. It's not all bad though - the people who stick around will learn about you and become friends with you. Plus, I think it really helps you to learn not to be afraid.

As you already know, there are guys who'll think nothing of laying his grubby hands on you, but you should look past them -- you're sure to find some decent guys who do care about your feelings over your body. You could try looking in places like an art classroom or studio in which it's completely up to people if they want to be part of it or not (it's not mandatory). If you land in a class with them, you automatically have a reason to begin talking to them.

You're 17, so you're still in high school ne? (Or did you graduate early like I did? ) High school is a sucky, sucky time for shy people, IMO. I had a helluva time glaring at people all four years, myself. In college it gets much better, trust me.

Also, if you see large faults in a guy, just as with girls, it may end up being a strength instead, depending how you look at it. So don't just automatically shy away from them. I'm going to use two of my (my-age) guy friends as examples:
Guy friend #1: Was raised by a family of girls and thus, acts feminine himself. Why this is a strength: he emphasizes a lot with me and believe me, sex is not on his mind. XD
Guy friend #2: Hardcore Christian (whereas I'm not). Why this is a strength: believes he'll be damned for all eternity if he touches or thinks about another human inappropriately.

If you're still feeling anxious after reading the responses in this thread, you could try something a little more indirect; how about getting a male penpal? There are tons of penpal sites and many of them allow you to specify what gender you want your penpal to be. OR... even better: why not pick someone male from asuki and PM him? If you explain your situation and he blows you off, he's not worth it. But if he continues mailing you back, you know you've got a friend.

If you want to meet RL guys, surely your friends know some nice guys? At the beginning, have him around with maybe one or two of your other friends. As you become more comfortable around him, eventually they won't have to be with you two all the time.

IN CONCLUSION to this long and boring post... Just like women, men can be cruel, but they can also be passionate and just *nice* to you. You really have to look for great guys instead of expecting one to just appear in your life (though that's always possible). Give them the benefit if the doubt and try not to act afraid; however if you can't help it, just tell them the truth about your situation to avoid any awkward moments. It's much better to be open and truthful about your situation, even if you are embarrassed about it. A nice guy will understand.
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Old 2007-08-19, 23:01   Link #9
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Quote:
I'm actually quite the opposite -- I'm a lot more uncomfortable around girls (I am one, just to clarify). There was once a time when I had friends who were only girls, and I realized that just as girls can often be more sensitive than guys, they also tend to be more emotionally cruel, going around to secretly backstab you, tear up cards and letters with a smile, etc.. Guys, on the other hand, tend to punch you and get it over with. Between being emotionally scarred and having a black eye, I'd rather have a black eye.
That's something a female friend of mine said once. She was in your same situation--she had a lot of male friends and few female ones. She told me that it was because we men are simpler. I don't know how much simpler we are, generally speaking, but from hearing the stories she told me about girl relationships in high school, there were some things I couldn't believe.

I know I am simple when it comes to human relationships. I don't know if I can speak for every other male, though.
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Old 2007-08-19, 23:04   Link #10
Mai Kawasumi
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Hello!

Well, I understand (kinda) how you feel, always boys bullied me since elementary school, I was always alone

But... in second grade this guy, the big brother of a ex friend of mine did something terrible to me (he was 18, I was 7) so since 7 to 15 I was really afraid of men, always thinking that the would do me the same thing that damn bastard

Oops, sorry, I feel sad now... ^^U silly me
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Old 2007-08-19, 23:19   Link #11
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Highschool I beleive is where the worst of the wost in people come out. My time in Highschool was not all that great either. I sure did meet a lot of people who wanted to rough me up but I kept going and I knew it wouldn't last forever. I was a shy quiet loner in Highschool. I never did like Highschool and the way it was or the majority of the idiots in it. Outside of highschool you will still meet the occasional moron, but at College or a job people know better. The chances of someone daring to lay hands on you at college or a professional job is a lot less likey than at Highschool. becasue if they do they pay a great penalty of either being kicked out of College or getting fired from thier job.
I don't know if you are still in highschool or not but things are different outside of those classroom walls. The real world takes over and those jerks will get what they deserve when they realize it's too late. Not all guys are like that. I will admit though that a high majority are jerks but not to the extent where they would hurt someone. There will always be people in some group, category, or whatever that crosses the line and makes everyone else in that group look bad . . . it just happens. I really do hope that your future years will be full of happy memories, good friends, and a life without fear. We're here for you, your not the only one going through some sort of trouble, we all have our own battles we have to fight . . .don't give up!

Take care
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Old 2007-08-20, 00:17   Link #12
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Originally Posted by Risaa View Post
If you want to meet RL guys, surely your friends know some nice guys? At the beginning, have him around with maybe one or two of your other friends. As you become more comfortable around him, eventually they won't have to be with you two all the time.
I was about to say the same thing.


@nathalie112689: I apologize that I can't really relate, but I still have to say that you'll need to overcome these fears. I'm not saying that you shouldn't put down your defenses completely or automatically trust every guy you meet, but eventually—whether in higher levels of education or in the workaday world—you'll be required to interact with both male and female peers. That's something that will never truly go away.

I think taking small steps, in an environment that you're mostly comfortable with, is a good start. Speaking with someone you trust (guy or girl) can also help. For example, have you shared this with a close male relative?

With that said, I apologize in behalf of male assholes everywhere. I wish you the best, and good luck.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WanderingKnight
That's something a female friend of mine said once. She was in your same situation--she had a lot of male friends and few female ones. She told me that it was because we men are simpler. I don't know how much simpler we are, generally speaking, but from hearing the stories she told me about girl relationships in high school, there were some things I couldn't believe.
I have a female friend who feels the same way, but only with regard to her working environment. She finds working with an all-female group to be very stressful—sometimes irritating even—and she prefers the company of male co-workers more. I guess it's also due to the fact that she can naturally blend in as "one of the guys" in a non-tomboyish way. Heck, guys can even easily talk about their lady problems with her. The "big sis" of the group in other words.
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Old 2007-08-20, 00:21   Link #13
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Wow, nathalie's post touched me deeply... I'm almost even ashamed to be a guy...

But I understand how she feels. I might've turned out that way too if I was female, TBH. I was never like other guys that talked about fucking every girl they see and whatnot. And trust me, it's a lot scarier when hearing their conversations firsthand(because they open up more to male friends)

When I was younger I considered myself asexual, but my friends insisted that I might be gay. It's not that I'm not attracted to female humans myself, but I'm not obsessed with sex like most men are. I sort of pride myself on that sliver of self-control I have
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Old 2007-08-20, 01:09   Link #14
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Reading things like this really opens my eyes. I never understood how people could pick on the shy ones. That just doesn't happen in my school. The bullies here push around the insolent, the proud, the overly self-righteous, but not the shy. I just thought that kind of stuff only happened in Anime and in movies. I guess I'm just trying to illustrate that the people who bullied you are not necessarily a part of every community.
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Old 2007-08-20, 01:20   Link #15
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I think this is a thread mostly left up to personal opinion, since I think the only way for this fear to be forgotten is for you to meet up with an amazing partner in life.
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Old 2007-08-20, 01:25   Link #16
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Eh....wow..stuff like this surprises me. When i was in school, all the people were nerds and considered their grades more important than bullying or abuse. GET SOME GUD FRIENDS
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Old 2007-08-20, 01:48   Link #17
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I think this is a thread mostly left up to personal opinion, since I think the only way for this fear to be forgotten is for you to meet up with an amazing partner in life.
I agree, this is only a matter of personal opinion, but I do have to sympathize with you. I (a male btw) was shy and unwilling to talk during my elementary school years and was bullied constantly. Even till 6th grade (which is the last year in elementary school for me) I was still being bullied, even by girls. Yes you heard it right, girls. I lived in constant fear back then, thinking of ways to avoid school everyday. Until one day I finally stood up for myself and speaked out loud for myself against that girl bullying me. She was shocked and never bothered me again (and actually we became friends )

So in my case, I stood up for myself and now I find myself less shy and more willing to accept others. I am sure this is different for everybody, but I know there are some male trash out there that just do this horrible things, but I encourage you to stand up for yourself. I perfectly understand how you would fear males after all those horrible experience, but you have to understand that stereotypes usually don't hold true for everybody.

Hope that helps. And best of luck.
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Old 2007-08-20, 03:14   Link #18
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nathalie112689, sheesh I never knew men where such pigs and i am a guy. But all of this happened in primary school (grade 1-6) so is it really far to compare it to this year. I mean I was abused like hell when i was in primary school (never was sexually abused) but when i got to high school i met some great people. soooo i don't know. But try to make friends with a really nice guy you met. we are not all evil.
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Old 2007-08-20, 03:29   Link #19
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...........

Last edited by mrvetle; 2008-07-02 at 20:41.
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Old 2007-08-20, 03:33   Link #20
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Originally Posted by RealityEX View Post
GET SOME GUD FRIENDS
I'm agree. I always get bullied of girls, or boys becour I have a weird life, I'm quiet, no friends and I always prefer to be alone. I'm always the "perfect girl of the teacher" and them (My mates) always are bullying me becouse of that; I try to make my face to see as a no feeling, and them bull me more, I get really sad and try to keep up of my site, but they don't want to leave me. They call me a stupid, idiot, etc; and I can not do something. But if you have a friend who hears you, you can feel better (I had one, and have a friend feels maravelous).
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