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Old 2007-08-20, 10:53   Link #21
nathalie112689
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Wow, this thread got a lot of feedback. I'm surprised.

By telling my story, I didn't mean to "ut"guys just because of what I've been through. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea. But I do know my fear is quite irrational at times. I mean, guys in this thread are sympathesizing with me. I guess I'm a little surprised because I never thought about the possibility of it. I'm a little sad I'm am so ignorant.

For everyone who were asking about whether I am still in high school or not, the answer would be a no. I already graduated this June, and I'm starting college in September.

Well ... I am hoping college is going to be a lot better than high school. I still don't know how to move forward, though. Like Shana, when I was harassed, I would make my face look blank. But I didn't start out doing that. In the very beginning, I looked scared. Though I know even if I tried to make my face have no emotion, they would still know I was afraid b/c I wouldn't say anything. This is the method I've been hanging onto when I entered high school.

A possible solution (I think..?) would be talking about this with my therapist. Maybe that would be the beginning bridging to a solution?

Yes, I have a therapist. I recently started seeing one in late June, but the main reason why I have a therapist in the first place isn't because of guys. That's another story.
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Old 2007-08-20, 12:53   Link #22
Fome
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Just out of curiosity, did your apprehension towards seeing men influence your college decision? Which college will you be attending? If you're not comfortable divulging that information, don't worry about it.
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Old 2007-08-20, 16:27   Link #23
nathalie112689
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fome View Post
Just out of curiosity, did your apprehension towards seeing men influence your college decision? Which college will you be attending? If you're not comfortable divulging that information, don't worry about it.
Well, no. In fact, I didn't even think about that. I know it might be a little weird I didn't put very much thought into thinking about the population of the school and whether there are more females or males or something like that. I was more worried about which college would accept me and which would reject me.

The college I am attending is a community college in New York. I've been on the campus of school a couple of times already, but I haven't met anyone there yet.
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Old 2007-08-20, 16:50   Link #24
Irwin1138
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In my school we kicked the hell out of those morons who tried to harm girls, and Im actually surprised that there was noone to protect you. Anyways, Its not a reason to fear men. What I do sure about is that this your fear will be gone completely with time 8)
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Old 2007-08-20, 16:53   Link #25
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i have a simulair problem, i used ot be affraid of like all men i still am for certain types

ive been through so much that i couldnt even lay in my parents bed with my mom just to chat without starting to tremble in fear of somehting happening while i knew that i was safe, by mind just couldnt agree with my common sense and my body responded to that by shaking

i am still very shy but it used to be much worse, eventually it started to wear off when i got to know some people, girls in this instance, cause i was scared of men, that allowed me to open up on my own pace and they accepted it, at the time that i became good friends with them we slowlly started to hang out with guys from their class, first like once a week 30 minutes and slowlly ti build up, eventually i wasnt affraid of them, because i got to know them a lot beter and it changed my perspective a little that not everyone is like the person who touched me as a child and not as treacherous as my former classmates in middle school

i started to learn how to talk to people and how to know which people to look out for and which not, i dont blurt out that i am affraid of men (even women but most off all close contact like sitting next to each other) i just tell them that i am very bad at meeting new people thats why i only hang out with like 2-3 people from ym class and not more because that would be too much for me ( i hate going to disco's and parties because of the many people, somehow my mind is letting me know to raise my guard while i dont want to so i fell very anxious in the start), it helped me quite a bit to have people that understood my pace of handeling things and that were kind to you in a friendly way, i didnt do it alone, i had help of several other friends (all female) who didnt quite get what was going on but when i opened up to them they understood

also last year i had to pick what class i wanted to be put in since there was a spot open in the class i signed in for that was full at the time, they told me that one class consisted out of all guys and one girl, i picked that class so i could grow to get further over my fear of men, i didnt knew any of those people and after a month i was the only girl int he class, at first ti was hard but eventually they became good friends of me, i still cant stand close contact with anyone, but now i can allow people to hug me and i can talk to my mother in her bed
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Old 2007-08-21, 12:30   Link #26
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nathalie112689 View Post
Wow, this thread got a lot of feedback. I'm surprised.

By telling my story, I didn't mean to "ut"guys just because of what I've been through. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea. But I do know my fear is quite irrational at times. I mean, guys in this thread are sympathesizing with me. I guess I'm a little surprised because I never thought about the possibility of it. I'm a little sad I'm am so ignorant.

For everyone who were asking about whether I am still in high school or not, the answer would be a no. I already graduated this June, and I'm starting college in September.

Well ... I am hoping college is going to be a lot better than high school. I still don't know how to move forward, though. Like Shana, when I was harassed, I would make my face look blank. But I didn't start out doing that. In the very beginning, I looked scared. Though I know even if I tried to make my face have no emotion, they would still know I was afraid b/c I wouldn't say anything. This is the method I've been hanging onto when I entered high school.

A possible solution (I think..?) would be talking about this with my therapist. Maybe that would be the beginning bridging to a solution?

Yes, I have a therapist. I recently started seeing one in late June, but the main reason why I have a therapist in the first place isn't because of guys. That's another story.
I'm sure college will be a lot better than high school because its kinda like a fresh start. Keep in mind that college is a bridge to your future, so work hard and in the end you'll forget all the bad things that happened.
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Old 2007-08-21, 14:18   Link #27
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Ok, I feel wise now might as well try to write something wise as well.

About the bullying. When I was in little, about 10 years old, I loved to bully others. Me and my brother often picked fights with other children in our neighborhood. When I went to school I also bullied some of my classmates (at least until one of them gave me a nice beating, that cured me of my nasty habit.)
However, I always followed a couple of rules.
1. Don't bully someone with a couple of friends behind your back.
2. DON'T BULLY GIRLS!- That's low.
3. Pick a target of your own age or much better, someone older, but leave the little one alone.

There are some things that can be deduced from these rules.
1. If someone picks on you with friends behind his back. It means, that he:
a. either feels insecure about his strength and needs backup in case something goes wrong.
b. needs someone to show off his strength to, in order to prove that he's the man.
c. is scared of you.
a&c are pretty similar, the difference is that the "C case" is less motivated to pick on you and will leave you alone much often than "A case".

How to solve this problem (sort of)?
Be aggressive, don't show that you are intimidated by the number of "enemies", don't go entirely on the defensive. For guys, if the situation resorts to a fight, hit back, as strong as you can. Of course you will be beaten bloody, when the entire "pack" jumps at you. But you will let them know, that you're not afraid of them. Very important, if the said person is picking you for the first time.
For girls, I don't think that the physical method is very popular (I'm a guy after all), my advice would be, don't remain silent. Be on "aggressive defense" (you're outnumbered after all)
A very useful method I always use is to remain polite. No matter how hard it is for yourself to be polite towards someone you don't like, smile, don't interrupt him, speak in normal volume, reply without swearwords, especially if every second word, coming from the other person is f***k, s***t or b***h. Talk, as if you are talking to a friend.
Nothing annoys the attacker, than a polite answer. By using swearwords, he is trying to provoke a similar action from you. However, if you remain calm and polite, he will start to feel like an idiot, because he is the only one who can't keep his temper.

2. I a guy is picking on a girl then he is ... I don't know what to say. Even at my school there were very few cases like this.
A guy, who is picking on you (for no apparent reason) has more problems than you. Either he is an impotent, or he has an older sister, who is bullying him. Anyway, guys like these need a specialist's help ... ASAP. No, seriously, a normal healthy guy doesn't bully girls.

3. Bully is a coward. Picking on younger people, means, that these are the only safe targets. Anyone older than his target is definitely a dangerous target.
Solution? Strike back. (I had a similar problem with a guy, who was two years older than I. Of course I lost the fight, but he left me alone after that incident.)

Of course, these assumptions are based on my past experience and thoughts. It doesn't mean, that they are foolproof.
Now, that I am older I leave others alone. In fact, now I am more of a diplomat, who tries to solve things peacefully.

... Comrade feels much better now ...
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Old 2007-08-21, 17:26   Link #28
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...........

Last edited by mrvetle; 2008-07-02 at 20:36.
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Old 2007-08-21, 18:48   Link #29
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Fear of men? Well I suppose if I was a girl I would be scared of the more aggressive of the bunch, but I'd also be leery of those smooth talker types that just seem too perfect. As a guy I don't like women that are heavily materialistic, or ones who enjoy being manipulative. There is good and bad in both genders, unfortunately.

However, it's important to realize that there are many many different types of people out there. You can't cut yourself off from meeting potential good people because of your fear you'll run into bad ones. After a while you get pretty good at figuring out who's who pretty quickly, though some do slip under the radar.

No matter what though, life is too short to be hung up on such a problem. Push forward and have confidence that people are going to accept you or deny you no matter what you do. It's best not to close doors you'd rather have open by shutting everyone out to start.
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Old 2007-08-21, 20:14   Link #30
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I see therapy in your future...it sounds like you have been traumatized to the point that you have an irrational fear of men....and I'm not saying it's your fault either, it's just that life has given you blinders and now you have to find a way to take them off, or just live always as a lonely person.
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Old 2007-08-21, 21:47   Link #31
Stephanie
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I myself have underlying hatred for men.. ( Link to my post though go back a page from here)

But the thing is, it's not in the sex/gender of the person, it's in the person itself. Some men act like jerk/bully because of unbalanced emotional state. We all have reasons for acting rude/selfish/etc.

"Fear is only in our minds, taking over all the time. Fear is ONLY in our minds, but it's taking over all the time.."~ Evanescence n_n
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Old 2007-08-21, 21:59   Link #32
Thingle
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I hate men. They take my girls away from me. >_<
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Old 2007-08-21, 23:14   Link #33
raikage
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ankoku View Post
Fear of men? Well I suppose if I was a girl I would be scared of the more aggressive of the bunch, but I'd also be leery of those smooth talker types that just seem too perfect. As a guy I don't like women that are heavily materialistic, or ones who enjoy being manipulative. There is good and bad in both genders, unfortunately.

However, it's important to realize that there are many many different types of people out there. You can't cut yourself off from meeting potential good people because of your fear you'll run into bad ones. After a while you get pretty good at figuring out who's who pretty quickly, though some do slip under the radar.

No matter what though, life is too short to be hung up on such a problem. Push forward and have confidence that people are going to accept you or deny you no matter what you do. It's best not to close doors you'd rather have open by shutting everyone out to start.
I...er, think she realized that already; likely before even starting this thread.

It's an irrational fear -- and the thing about fears, especially irrational ones, is that they can't be reasoned away *snaps fingers* just like that.

Risaa had a great idea about hanging out with groups of friends -- hopefully, in a more comfortable environment with, say, 3-4 of your girls and one guy, you'll be more relaxed since you won't ever be alone with him.
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Old 2007-08-21, 23:40   Link #34
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well, the best thing that nathalie's can do now is by build up her influence when she entered the college....which i mean by making a lot of friends and somehow be important to other...

appearance is the most important thing, how nathalie talk, walk, dress, etc will determine other people opinion on her...

unless she reveal herself as one, nobody will know that nathalie's is shy girl and she is afraid of guys...

thats the basic....
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Old 2007-08-21, 23:56   Link #35
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Although i don't hate men (i'm a guy anyway), i've also bullied during my elementary and junior high due to my appearance (i wear glasses since 4th grade because i know pc since 2nd grade lol), just that. Here's what i do to counter them :

If it only word, well just don't listem to them, just pretend there's nobody, they'll stop after some minutes anyway
If it already on physical contact, i've always fight back. Well, that time i've confidence in my strenght, anyway. It's during 8th grade i think. He's waited for me for a fight. After i win, he never got near me again. But judging from your case, i suggest you to AVOID physical contact since you're a girl againts boy (no offense, i didn't say girls are weak). Just in case. You better report it to someone with authority, parents good. If it's already sexual harrassment, go to police and report him. There's always a law for that. And those guy cannot beat laws...
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Old 2007-08-22, 00:15   Link #36
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I see that this thread was to see if you weren't alone in the way you feel and the condition that has been brought upon you since childhood.

First of all how old are all of you?

Are you seeking therapy, because some may need some and others need to just face their fears because it's been long enough you suffered and need to get thru this. You shouldn't live with that kind of fear all your life. By the time you are young adults, you should be grown up enough to see that the path to serenity heals with time and understanding. Now if you can't get thru it, there is always help out there and you should seek it. Life is too short to be in fear all the time.
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Old 2007-08-22, 02:17   Link #37
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I'm a guy, but I can totally relate to this.

When I was in elementary school, I was bullied by this one girl (I know, a guy being bullied by a girl! I'm lame like that...) who would just torture me everyday... She used to shove me under the bus seat and she wouldn't let me back up until she left, which was usually about an hour and a half. Anyways that happened from 1st to 4th grade. Then there was middle school... I was beat about every other day by this one bully... I actually had to pay another guy for protection from this one, it was pretty bad. That went on until high school. In high school, I became the shy guy. I would (and still do (I'm a senor right now (age 17) BTW))) sit in the halls and just read everyday at lunch, and of course I was (an still am ) bullied, just the usual kids talking crap to me, throwing crap at me, touching, punching, and crap like that, but I just ignore it...

Anyways, lets continue on with my irrational fear, although it's not as bad as yours, I have a fear of being along with strangers... I mean, I'll be fine if theres an authority figure there, but like, in a restroom, or a deserted area with no cops or authority figures around, I'll get all nervous and tense and stuff... Whenever it happens images of me getting beaten, abducted, murdered, and even raped just jump into my mind

I have learned though, that work is a lot easier then school ever was (is). At work everyone seams a lot nicer and a lot more willing to get to know you. Ever sense I started working I can go #2 in a public bathroom now (which for me is a big deal ).

I know it's not the same as your fear of men, but what I'm trying to say is that I realize you've met a bunch of jerky men who were out of line in the past, but I think things change after high school and if not after high school, definitely after college. I'm going to quote my algebra II teacher (who's a guy), Men are like dogs, get a bunch of them together and they'll act tough and brave, but get one alone and it will run off with it's tail between it's legs, and for the most part that's true. I think most guy's do things just to impress their friends...

Well it's 2:11AM, I have to be up at 6, and I kinda forgot where I was going with this, so if I forgot to say anything I post it later. hope this helped in somehow.
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Old 2007-08-22, 02:28   Link #38
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nathalie112689 View Post
Wow, this thread got a lot of feedback. I'm surprised.

By telling my story, I didn't mean to "ut"guys just because of what I've been through. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea. But I do know my fear is quite irrational at times. I mean, guys in this thread are sympathesizing with me. I guess I'm a little surprised because I never thought about the possibility of it. I'm a little sad I'm am so ignorant.

For everyone who were asking about whether I am still in high school or not, the answer would be a no. I already graduated this June, and I'm starting college in September.

Well ... I am hoping college is going to be a lot better than high school. I still don't know how to move forward, though. Like Shana, when I was harassed, I would make my face look blank. But I didn't start out doing that. In the very beginning, I looked scared. Though I know even if I tried to make my face have no emotion, they would still know I was afraid b/c I wouldn't say anything. This is the method I've been hanging onto when I entered high school.

A possible solution (I think..?) would be talking about this with my therapist. Maybe that would be the beginning bridging to a solution?

Yes, I have a therapist. I recently started seeing one in late June, but the main reason why I have a therapist in the first place isn't because of guys. That's another story.
For some reason, people are less talkative in college ^_^, till you hit the computer rooms

No worries, I treat everyone equally, except xris j/k
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Old 2007-08-22, 02:42   Link #39
Stephanie
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Maikuness View Post
I'm a guy, but I can totally relate to this.

When I was in elementary school, I was bullied by this one girl (I know, a guy being bullied by a girl! I'm lame like that...) who would just torture me everyday... She used to shove me under the bus seat and she wouldn't let me back up until she left, which was usually about an hour and a half. Anyways that happened from 1st to 4th grade. Then there was middle school... I was beat about every other day by this one bully... I actually had to pay another guy for protection from this one, it was pretty bad. That went on until high school. In high school, I became the shy guy. I would (and still do (I'm a senor right now (age 17) BTW))) sit in the halls and just read everyday at lunch, and of course I was (an still am ) bullied, just the usual kids talking crap to me, throwing crap at me, touching, punching, and crap like that, but I just ignore it...

Anyways, lets continue on with my irrational fear, although it's not as bad as yours, I have a fear of being along with strangers... I mean, I'll be fine if theres an authority figure there, but like, in a restroom, or a deserted area with no cops or authority figures around, I'll get all nervous and tense and stuff... Whenever it happens images of me getting beaten, abducted, murdered, and even raped just jump into my mind
Oh my goodness!!

Are you alright?
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Old 2007-08-22, 03:57   Link #40
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Quote:
Originally Posted by raikage View Post
I...er, think she realized that already; likely before even starting this thread.

It's an irrational fear -- and the thing about fears, especially irrational ones, is that they can't be reasoned away *snaps fingers* just like that.

Risaa had a great idea about hanging out with groups of friends -- hopefully, in a more comfortable environment with, say, 3-4 of your girls and one guy, you'll be more relaxed since you won't ever be alone with him.
Perhaps, perhaps not. It's simply positive reinforcement. She'll hear the same stuff from pretty much any counselor she goes to, if she decides to.

By no means am I suggesting she merely willpower it away, it's not as easy as it sounds. I still struggle with my fears, but I've learned to handle them, even if I still fear them. Hopefully she will learn to do the same, over time.
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