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Old 2007-12-05, 21:56   Link #1
Kristen
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Chrissie's Writings

This thread will hold things that I write in it. The VN is running smoothly, I just had to take it off just in case.
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Last edited by Kristen; 2008-02-28 at 13:28. Reason: Changing from a single purpose to a multipurpose thread
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Old 2007-12-05, 22:30   Link #2
Izayoi
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Amazing story.. I just read the first few paragraph and died because My impatiences for reading.. sorry. i took another sip at it and yes professional writing
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Last edited by Izayoi; 2007-12-06 at 08:59.
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Old 2007-12-05, 22:36   Link #3
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Originally Posted by Setsilya~ View Post
Amazing story.. but, hmm the girl sounds like Yumemi from Planetarian. I just read the first few paragraph and died because My impatiences for reading.. sorry. Amazing story.
Oh, wow, she does! I hadn't noticed that before. I guess I was kind of going for that effect, until that shell is broken.

Thanks.
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Old 2007-12-06, 01:49   Link #4
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Wow... I am nearly speechless, that was just so good... I really would love to read the next chapter! Great work!
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Old 2007-12-06, 09:01   Link #5
Izayoi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChrissieXD View Post
Oh, wow, she does! I hadn't noticed that before. I guess I was kind of going for that effect, until that shell is broken.

Thanks.
Reason why i edit it was because later on it doesn't as much... so you shouldn't worry about it. But at first it was really alike lol. She kind of took a major turn, later on.

I will finish this story when I have time..prioritized.
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Old 2007-12-06, 15:15   Link #6
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I love This Story ...well I read The First Chapter.....
Great work...
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Old 2007-12-06, 19:22   Link #7
Kang Seung Jae
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Well written. First, about the cultural stuff:



1. Cereal: I think we've gone over that in the Japanese Culture thread. Cereal isn't an "usual" breakfast item in Japan. Going for toast would be more in-line.


2. Clue: Board games aren't that popular in Japan. (Although there are localized versions of Clue in Japan.)



It seems you've mixed elements of Nagisa, Kotomi, Kyou, and Tomoyo into your Nagisa, and Yuki is the opposite of everything that is Tomoya.
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Old 2007-12-06, 19:39   Link #8
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Originally Posted by Kang Seung Jae View Post
Well written. First, about the cultural stuff:



1. Cereal: I think we've gone over that in the Japanese Culture thread. Cereal isn't an "usual" breakfast item in Japan. Going for toast would be more in-line.


2. Clue: Board games aren't that popular in Japan. (Although there are localized versions of Clue in Japan.)



It seems you've mixed elements of Nagisa, Kotomi, Kyou, and Tomoyo into your Nagisa, and Yuki is the opposite of everything that is Tomoya.
1. OK. Time for the good old "Edit, Replace" button. EDIT: All fixed.
2. Hm, I thought so. I used clue because I saw it in a Higurashi episode, at least that's what I thought it was. I had Monopoly in chapter 3, but I knew that was going to be way off. . What is a common game to play, other than cards?
3. Yep. I was completely off. It was a prediction of Clannad without knowing a thing about the game except there was a girl named Nagisa and Tomoya was a delinquent, so it was naturally far off. I'm laughing now at how I was trying to hit the nail on the head but somehow threw the hammer out the back window. If Nagisa seems even remotely like a mixture of those girls, then I am impressed.
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Old 2007-12-06, 20:27   Link #9
Kang Seung Jae
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Originally Posted by ChrissieXD View Post
If Nagisa seems even remotely like a mixture of those girls, then I am impressed.
If you don't mind spoilers....

Spoiler for Comparisons:

Also, I forgot to add something: the brass knocker seems out of place, given that most houses use electric bells.
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Old 2007-12-06, 20:40   Link #10
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Originally Posted by Kang Seung Jae View Post
If you don't mind spoilers....

Spoiler for Comparisons:

Also, I forgot to add something: the brass knocker seems out of place, given that most houses use electric bells.
Oh, wow. That was a completely random coincidence, then. Most of that stuff I knew after 9 weeks of Clannad, except for the Kotomi and Tomoyo thingy. But these chapters I wrote on October 2nd with Clannad's release on the 4th, so it's not like I copied it.

Just a question on the brass knocker. I know in America we have a lot of situations where we have electric doorbells and a brass knocker as a decoration. Everybody uses the doorbell, of course. I was trying something like this, and showing one of her weird quirks in always using this decorative knocker instead of convention.
Are they popular as a decoration, or should I cut it?
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Old 2007-12-06, 20:42   Link #11
Kang Seung Jae
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Originally Posted by ChrissieXD View Post
Oh, wow. That was a completely random coincidence, then. Most of that stuff I knew after 9 weeks of Clannad, except for the Kotomi and Tomoyo thingy. But these chapters I wrote on October 2nd with Clannad's release on the 4th, so it's not like I copied it.

Just a question on the brass knocker. I know in America we have a lot of situations where we have electric doorbells and a brass knocker as a decoration. Everybody uses the doorbell, of course. I was trying something like this, and showing one of her weird quirks in always using this decorative knocker instead of convention.
Are they popular as a decoration, or should I cut it?
Cut, unless we get another opinion on the matter.


One thing is for sure: I've never seen a knocker on the front door to the house in Japan.
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Old 2007-12-06, 20:48   Link #12
Kristen
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Originally Posted by Kang Seung Jae View Post
Cut, unless we get another opinion on the matter.


One thing is for sure: I've never seen a knocker on the front door to the house in Japan.
Hm. Alright, will do. I guess I'll have her knock on the door instead of ringing the doorbell. That should show the weird quirk a bit, I suppose.

And thanks for all of this. This is really taking out my western mindset a lot.
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Old 2007-12-08, 08:17   Link #13
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After reading this, I decided to try watching Clannad and its so different! I was really confused at the start thinking it was going to be like this.

By the way, what does Chisan mean?
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Old 2007-12-08, 08:59   Link #14
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Originally Posted by -PoLLuX- View Post
After reading this, I decided to try watching Clannad and its so different! I was really confused at the start thinking it was going to be like this.

By the way, what does Chisan mean?
Right now, I think it translates to "Late", but I can never be sure. I know so little Japanese to begin with. . It's just a working title for now. I've thought of so many different titles, from Flight to Miracle to Nagisa to Chisan no Yume, but none of them really work as well as I want them too.
But glad you liked it. And yes, Clannad is basically the exact opposite of everything written. That's what I get for trying to predict a series.
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Old 2007-12-10, 06:21   Link #15
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Ah I finished chapter four, I see some love going on here.
I can't wait to read more
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Old 2007-12-11, 09:07   Link #16
Zero Shinohara
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChrissieXD
Right now, I think it translates to "Late", but I can never be sure.
chisan
(n) forest conservation; afforestation


chisan
(n) management of one's livelihood; management of one's property


chisan
(n,vs) latecoming; lateness; tardiness



chisandamu
(n) erosion-control dam; soil saving dam

Yep, you're right. Because you're working so hard on your novel and it's looking so good, I'll share:

http://enterprise.ottix.net/cgi-bin/j-e/dict

Hope it's of use

Edit: Pretty name, by the way.
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Old 2007-12-12, 23:28   Link #17
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Keep up the good work and don't rush with the editing!
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Old 2007-12-20, 10:06   Link #18
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Heyya! =)

Since you took time off to comment on my oneshot, I thought I might drop by to speak a word or two.

So let's begin =)
Spoiler for the harsh-er D::


Spoiler for the not-so-harsh =):


Spoiler for nitpicking:


So that's all for today, I need to get down to writing xD... hope I helped! =)
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Old 2007-12-20, 22:54   Link #19
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You nearly done with the next chapter yet? I'm not asking you to rush or anything...
(just bored... need something to read besides the haruhi novel)
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Old 2007-12-21, 08:43   Link #20
Kristen
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You nearly done with the next chapter yet? I'm not asking you to rush or anything...
(just bored... need something to read besides the haruhi novel)
Heh, sorry. I'm on a different computer now, since I'm home from college, and I had a bit of difficulty transferring my files from my laptop to my PC. I just started my re-edits of chapter 4 yesterday, with the goal of finishing them by today. I'm then hoping to finish my re-edits of 5 tomorrow, and my re-edits of 6 on Sunday. Since I normally don't have anything to do on Christmas Eve, I want to do my first edits of 7 then, however, I don't know how much time I'll have. If I don't have much time then, it'll have to be the 27th.
But re-edits are easy as well, so I may end up doing multiple chapters tomorrow. I don't know.
But I really don't want to post twice in this thread, so any reply is fun.

innominate: Thanks for your critiques. I've learned from the past to not try to explain stuff, and rather implement it, so I'm going to go through each one, looking for suggestions...
Spoiler for Harsh:


Spoiler for Not so harsh:


Thank you a lot for your criticism. While I'm probably not going to apply it until I finish the full revision, it'll be great come later months when I take this to further levels.

Now, to eat my breakfast and watch Clannad. ^_^
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