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Old 2008-01-11, 15:59   Link #61
krisslanza
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Lording above all of humanity >;3
Age: 25
My partner in crime recently made a Fanfiction.net account but is unable to upload anything until at least tomorrow (You know that thing you have to have an account 'x' old... Something like that) so I'm posting this on his behalf.

So I didn't write this. His Fanfiction.net penname is cannonballninja.

Spoiler for Arc-en-Ciel:


It'll be up on Fanfiction.net tomorrow.
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Old 2008-01-11, 16:06   Link #62
ghazghkull
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Let me say right now: The dialog is very awkward. I don't even know if it's Erika, or if it's Fate speaking.

If that's intensional, that's a really bad way to present it, because I can't make heads or tails.

It's an interesting premise, but the dialog makes it hard to follow.
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Old 2008-01-11, 16:21   Link #63
krisslanza
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Age: 25
Hmmm really? As a general rule of thumb when only two people are involved in speaking dialog generally goes in a alternating order, unless otherwise noted.

i.e.
"Blah" said A
"Blah" said B
"Blah"
"Blahblah"

It'd be assumed the 3rd is A responding to B and then the 4th is B responding to A. Of course if it had gone...

"Blah" said A
"Blah" said B
"Blah"
"Blahblah" Said A

You'd be noting 'A' spoke again before B did. Although usually then you'd just connect it... ("Blah" said A, "Blah")

Not to be like saying you did anything wrong or anything @.@; Just pointing that out if it helps any at all. You generally shouldn't need to note whom is speaking after every line of dialog unless multiple characters are involved.
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Old 2008-01-11, 16:36   Link #64
ghazghkull
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Yeah, but the thing is, the dialog between the two are messed into one paragraph, and that makes it incredibly hard to discern. That's my problem.

That's why it is common practice that every time a different person speaks, it's a new paragraph, like you've done.

But in the one you posted, I can't tell if it's Fate or Erika because their dialog is all in the same paragraph.

And here's a little something for you guys that you might enjoy ^^
Spoiler for Ways to write long one person dialog:
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Old 2008-01-11, 17:17   Link #65
Satashi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ghazghkull View Post
As soon as I can get that back into my system and get over the shock, I'll probably be dolling it out again.

Spoiler for blarg:


P.S. SO CLOSE!!!! I WAS SO CLOSE TO CLAIM THE PAGE CLAIM LOL XD
Quote:
Originally Posted by ghazghkull View Post
Yeah, but the thing is, the dialog between the two are messed into one paragraph, and that makes it incredibly hard to discern. That's my problem.

That's why it is common practice that every time a different person speaks, it's a new paragraph, like you've done.

But in the one you posted, I can't tell if it's Fate or Erika because their dialog is all in the same paragraph.

And here's a little something for you guys that you might enjoy ^^
Spoiler for Ways to write long one person dialog:

Guitar is fine, I just gave my opinon :P

Also what G-man said is true. I read a bit of the stoy and I was lost in the dialog. Two people speaking in same paragraph really made me lost it.

Example:
Spoiler for story is long:


That really lost me. Best solution is to just make it different paragraphs then it's fine :3
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Old 2008-01-11, 17:21   Link #66
krisslanza
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I see, I see. I've passed along the comments (Though he lurks here anyway and would've noted them anyway) and he'll take them into consideration
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Old 2008-01-11, 17:47   Link #67
Satashi
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Update on archives
Original Character writers now have a link to their character's profiles as well as a fanfiction.net profile
Began changing formatting for FF.N stories to make it look neater (Thanks Eagle)

Last edited by Satashi; 2008-01-11 at 20:11.
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Old 2008-01-11, 18:35   Link #68
ghazghkull
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Well here's what I have so far for Road of Love, before I had decided to call it quits back then.

Please comment on what's provided.

Spoiler for Road of Live Chapter 4 Update:
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Old 2008-01-11, 20:24   Link #69
BPHaru
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ghazghkull View Post
Well here's what I have so far for Road of Love, before I had decided to call it quits back then.

Please comment on what's provided.

Spoiler for Road of Live Chapter 4 Update:
You definitely must continue with this fic, you made me read this part of chapter 4 and now I can’t wait for more.
Don’t worry too much about the “constructive criticism” made by Satashi, an average reader like me normally doesn’t worry about that kind of technical stuff if the fic can be read without problems, the only thing that that really matters is if you like writing it and if the readers are enjoying your work as well.

Saludos, Haru
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Old 2008-01-11, 20:43   Link #70
Satashi
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The sound of an annoyingly peppy J-pop song woke me very rudely from my sleep. My eyes opened lightly and say the image of Nanoha literally falling out of my bed as she reached towards the phone on my dresser. A few seconds passed as the song continued before I saw a hand reach up and flip open the phone to cut it off. It was way too early to be awake, especially after staying up until three in the morning tutoring my friend. Her figure appeared slowly as she crawled up from the floor and stretched out widely in an attempt to wake herself up more. Finally she turned to me and bent over so our faces were close to each other's. A smile greeted me so I sleepily smiled back before getting a peck to the forehead. She had wanted to wake up a little early today and the reason became clear when she reached into her backpack and pulled out a girlish diary, complete with a small golden key to unlock the side strap keeping it closed. Ignoring my friend's desire to write her thoughts in a book, I closed my eyes and tried to get another half hour of sleep before school.

Saved by the Bell V
By: Satashi
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Old 2008-01-11, 20:57   Link #71
Fuyu no Sora
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: In a place of extremes. From below freezing to above boiling.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
Spoiler for Intro:
Lol about Nanoha and Yuuno sleeping together . I can't help but feel amused by the image of Yuuno being annoyed by Nanoha's alarm and trying to get a few more precious minutes of sleep, ha ha xD.

Nice intro there ^^ Let's hope the chapter will be done and posted tonight ^^
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Old 2008-01-11, 20:59   Link #72
ghazghkull
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
The sound of an annoyingly peppy J-pop song woke me very rudely from my sleep. My eyes opened lightly and say the image of Nanoha literally falling out of my bed as she reached towards the phone on my dresser. A few seconds passed as the song continued before I saw a hand reach up and flip open the phone to cut it off. It was way too early to be awake, especially after staying up until three in the morning tutoring my friend. Her figure appeared slowly as she crawled up from the floor and stretched out widely in an attempt to wake herself up more. Finally she turned to me and bent over so our faces were close to each other's. A smile greeted me so I sleepily smiled back before getting a peck to the forehead. She had wanted to wake up a little early today and the reason became clear when she reached into her backpack and pulled out a girlish diary, complete with a small golden key to unlock the side strap keeping it closed. Ignoring my friend's desire to write her thoughts in a book, I closed my eyes and tried to get another half hour of sleep before school.

Saved by the Bell V
By: Satashi
Wah wah wah wah?!!! Wah....*clicks* OH!!! It's Yuuno....wow....I had a wth moment there, thinking it was Fate for some odd reason...><
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Old 2008-01-11, 21:08   Link #73
Satashi
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Hahaha, maybe I should make it a little more clear it's Yuuno :3

1k words so far. Sora-chan is distracting me with IMs, blame her for it being late >: D

edit: Sorry this won't be posted tonight. I'm not feeling the best so I'm going to lay down. I'll have this out tomorrow afternoon.

Last edited by Satashi; 2008-01-11 at 21:28.
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Old 2008-01-11, 21:15   Link #74
SpaceBrotha
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
Spoiler for SbtB intro:
Wait, that's yuuno?!
err, i can just imagine the look on fate's face if someone informs her of that little arrangement...

"They sleep with each other every now and then."

fate:......"They what?!"

And it's misunderstandings galore after that.
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"The truth of the matter is that you always know the right thing to do. The hard part is doing it." Norman Schwarzkopf
"Whoever stands by a just cause cannot possibly be called a terrorist." Yassar Arafat
Sayings and quotes hold wisdom in them. Either the wisdom is found in the correctness of the quote, or in the lesson learned from the error.
Hard part is figuring out who's making the errors...
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Old 2008-01-11, 21:41   Link #75
Fuyu no Sora
Mistress of Impatience
 
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: In a place of extremes. From below freezing to above boiling.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
Hahaha, maybe I should make it a little more clear it's Yuuno :3

1k words so far. Sora-chan is distracting me with IMs, blame her for it being late >: D
Oi, wait a minute, why is it my fault?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SpaceBrotha View Post
Wait, that's yuuno?!
err, i can just imagine the look on fate's face if someone informs her of that little arrangement...

"They sleep with each other every now and then."

fate:......"They what?!"

And it's misunderstandings galore after that.
He he he he he *RH Total anihilation grin*

That'd be WIN and GOLD!!!!

Misunderstandings FTW!
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Old 2008-01-11, 22:00   Link #76
SpaceBrotha
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Join Date: Jan 2007
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fuyu no Sora View Post
He he he he he *RH Total anihilation grin*

That'd be WIN and GOLD!!!!

Misunderstandings FTW!
when asked for explanation, i can just imagine nanoha explaining it with

"he's comfy and warm, why don't you join us sometime fate-chan?"

Followed by the very same face that fate has in satashi's avatar

Edit: Rest up satashi, if you're too tired to think straight, your stories will end up having excess amounts of crack, hilarious, and reanimated chipmunks on fire.

Edit 2: note to self (6am): do not take naps during the day even if you're tired...
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"Life is the only game in which the object of the game is to learn the rules." Unknown
"The truth of the matter is that you always know the right thing to do. The hard part is doing it." Norman Schwarzkopf
"Whoever stands by a just cause cannot possibly be called a terrorist." Yassar Arafat
Sayings and quotes hold wisdom in them. Either the wisdom is found in the correctness of the quote, or in the lesson learned from the error.
Hard part is figuring out who's making the errors...

Last edited by SpaceBrotha; 2008-01-11 at 23:01.
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Old 2008-01-12, 01:12   Link #77
Satashi
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Saved by the Bell V
Status: Complete, pending spellcheck/revisions
Length:5,588 words

Well, I couldn't sleep and stayed up till midnight to write it. I'm going to review it when I wake up and probably change things. *yawns sleepily* But I got it done <3 Hope everyone enjoys.
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Old 2008-01-12, 01:15   Link #78
ghazghkull
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Looking forward to the update ^^
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Old 2008-01-12, 03:55   Link #79
Kirika-chan
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ghazghkull View Post
Well here's what I have so far for Road of Love, before I had decided to call it quits back then.

Please comment on what's provided.

Spoiler for Road of Live Chapter 4 Update:
I want to see the next >.< it's too short!
And Nanoha will be bullying? ... I don't think (it's for Fate! XD)

@Satashi : I hope you post the chapter V for this evening (evening for me...) *___*
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Old 2008-01-12, 13:02   Link #80
Satashi
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Saved by the Bell V
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3991951/5/Saved_by_the_Bell

Enjoy ^^ lots of N/F fluff
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