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Old 2008-01-15, 23:00   Link #221
Aaron008R
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Quote:
Originally Posted by krisslanza View Post
Whoops knew I forgot something
@Aaron:
Danke.
For my own curiousity, what was confusing? I of course would have none as I know... Mostly everything (Minus things we haven't really pinned down...), I'd be assuming the confusion is on exactly what is going on, ne?
But of course I'll write MOAR. Much MOAR. Arc-en-Ciel: Ashes unto Dust is essentially me aiming for some level of epic
You pretty much hit the spot.

The confusing part was indeed me going "Wait, what's going on?"

Will look forward to more. I smell potential EPICNESS here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Reiji Tabibito View Post
Okay, pretty good.

Granted, it's not crap, but it isn't making me hang on the edge either...

...but don't feel bad. I've been reading anime ffs since I was in highschool, and am a pretty jaded reader.

Ask Aaron.
Which is why I'm actually surprised I get some 'more than just good' or 'very good' review ratings from you. Since I'm just a relative beginner in writing. Though I guess I get to hit the right spots at those times.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Reiji Tabibito View Post
<sighs, thinks>

Let me think...

Your writing style is solid: both descriptive and concise, and you obviously know enough of the English language that you don't need to keep using the same words over and over again.

Characterization, for what I've seen, is pretty much spot on - there're a few inconsistencies, but they are hugely minor compared to what you've gotten RIGHT.

Your genre usage is good, as well: when you want to be funny, when you want to be serious, you are.

Your stuff IS kinda difficult to read, format wise, but that's FF.net's fault and not yours.

Frankly, the main idea that I have for improving is more EPIC source material. I went thru your 6th Division stuff, and it's good.

You focus on everyday events, and that's good. Things like the ARIA franchise have made it HUGE doing just that kind of thing...


Quote:
...but the problem is that they'll never win any awards. To my experience, people read fanfiction for one of two reasons...



1) As the song goes, "you wanna be where you can see, our troubles are all the same - You wanna be where everybody knows your name."

Or what I call the Cheers Syndrome - that even the heroes we look up to have the problems we do.

This is why people write high school and other such stories.



2) To dive into epic and fantastic worlds where the fate of many lies in the hands of a few.

Or what I term the Lord of the Rings Syndrome - seeing the heroes kick ass, look cool doing it, fight against an evil foe, and ultimately win the day.


You do #1 like no one else I know - but a good author can do 1 & 2 with equal ability.

The only improvement I can suggest is -

Less of 1, more of 2.
Though IMHO, Jail's threat in the 6th Division series provided far more EPIC compared to StrikerS.

Quote:
Do keep this in mind, though:

The authors on my shelf are some of the following:

Tom Clancy

Clive Cussler

Jack DuBrul

James Clavell

Umberto Eco

And other such persons.
They're pretty high up the ladder, as far as I know...

Quote:
<laughs>

Sorry, "nya" is sort of a general, all-purpose phrase, the meaning of which depends on HOW it's phrased.

It's something that I picked up from my fiancee - she normally used it when she was irritated, but I ended up spamming it for so many things that she dropped it and found herself a new all-purpose phrase.

Here, "nya" is like "okay."

I'll try and make it's usage more apparent...


I though you meant 'nya~' that's the equivalent of 'meow~' in Japanese...



EDIT: Ooh~, page claim!

*sees Satashi*

Uhoh!

*Runs like hell!*
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Last edited by Aaron008R; 2008-01-15 at 23:58.
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Old 2008-01-16, 00:06   Link #222
Satashi
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That's one hell of a page claim!

and @ the feed back given to me: I'll seriously take that into consideration. SbtB will be lots more of everyday life. 6th D will try and take a turn for a more serious side.

update for SbtB..... it's at 4k words. and I havn't done much of anything. HOPE tomorrow will be posted.........hope..... I have a lot to do still.

teaser:
Spoiler for Mom agro, vanish! VANISH!:
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Old 2008-01-16, 00:25   Link #223
Riddly
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
That's one hell of a page claim!

and @ the feed back given to me: I'll seriously take that into consideration. SbtB will be lots more of everyday life. 6th D will try and take a turn for a more serious side.

update for SbtB..... it's at 4k words. and I havn't done much of anything. HOPE tomorrow will be posted.........hope..... I have a lot to do still.

teaser:
Spoiler for Mom agro, vanish! VANISH!:
Lmao... Mom agro. >< I'm surprised to see that Fate plays online games. Though it's nice that she does have that dorky side to her.
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Old 2008-01-16, 00:50   Link #224
ghazghkull
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
That's one hell of a page claim!

and @ the feed back given to me: I'll seriously take that into consideration. SbtB will be lots more of everyday life. 6th D will try and take a turn for a more serious side.

update for SbtB..... it's at 4k words. and I havn't done much of anything. HOPE tomorrow will be posted.........hope..... I have a lot to do still.

teaser:
Spoiler for Mom agro, vanish! VANISH!:
Looks good. Now I'm interesting in what Fate's mom has to say LOL
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Old 2008-01-16, 02:16   Link #225
Evangelion Xgouki
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
teaser:
Spoiler for Mom agro, vanish! VANISH!:
Bwahahahahahahahaha!!
I use the exact same key to talk on Vent (Although I programmed by mouse's 4th button for control which makes it soo much easier to use my thumb). Now...the question is what game is she's playing. Hmmm...given the title, her comments, AND what game the author plays I have a very, very good guess (and the class given the spoiler title ).
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Old 2008-01-16, 10:26   Link #226
Eagle8819
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I've already double checked with the mod, so despite a previous chapter having M-rating, the rest are safely T and below. And thus, I...spam.

Resplendence of Ebony, part IV, is now up.

Enjoy.

And Satashi-san, if you don't mind, please add in RoE in the archive, too.

*goes to read previous pages*
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Old 2008-01-16, 11:03   Link #227
Satashi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eagle8819 View Post
I've already double checked with the mod, so despite a previous chapter having M-rating, the rest are safely T and below. And thus, I...spam.

Resplendence of Ebony, part IV, is now up.

Enjoy.

And Satashi-san, if you don't mind, please add in RoE in the archive, too.

*goes to read previous pages*
As long as it's mod-approved I'll add it happily hmm... Maybe I'll ask Skyfall about things that can and can't be linked personally...

Updated archives tonight after work..


Okay, I need opinions. On SAved by the Bell, would you- personally- prefer

To see Nanoha and Fate as main focus and their activities as central point
Prefer to keep the story about everyday life and not go off into deep character issues.
Like to see a balance, where the characters aren't focused on as much ( like Nanoha modeling) but have other character interaction to make up for it.

http://snappoll.com/poll/245008.php

Vote and give opinion please. This isn't a 100% the winner will happen, this is only so I can see what my readers are thinking and I can adjust slightly to try and go that way if I can.

[edit] Talked to skyfall about how linking "M" related stories go. I'll update archives with such.

Last edited by Satashi; 2008-01-16 at 13:41.
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Old 2008-01-16, 11:35   Link #228
Ryand-Smith
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Saint X, Good story, and wow.. Lets see. We have Subaru and an intelligent device (R Gun?) fighting in catacombs, a general good term, and a nice feeling of being genuinely surrounded and under seige. Well Done
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Old 2008-01-16, 12:02   Link #229
krisslanza
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aaron008R View Post
You pretty much hit the spot.

The confusing part was indeed me going "Wait, what's going on?"

Will look forward to more. I smell potential EPICNESS here.
As I suspected Don't worry, I was expecting everyone to think that (If you KNEW what was going on... I'd be wondering how you got in my head ). I even kept the Daniel Liberty-style opening! (Although in that you knew what he was talking about since it WAS StarCraft)

Danke. I was hoping for potential EPIC I'll start full work on this after I finish School of Lyrical. Although I suspect updates would be slow as there is a lot of work to do... For a few chapters it should be easy, but then it'll get a looooot harder
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Old 2008-01-16, 12:45   Link #230
toran
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eagle8819 View Post
I've already double checked with the mod, so despite a previous chapter having M-rating, the rest are safely T and below. And thus, I...spam.

Resplendence of Ebony, part IV, is now up.

Enjoy.

And Satashi-san, if you don't mind, please add in RoE in the archive, too.

*goes to read previous pages*
I love the chapter. I didn't see anything really wrong at first glance, so I don't have too much to comment.

Why do I get the feeling Nanoha is going to berserk here?
I just got the image of her attacking everyone there in a fit of rage.
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Old 2008-01-16, 13:51   Link #231
Saint X
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ryand-Smith View Post
Saint X, Good story, and wow.. Lets see. We have Subaru and an intelligent device (R Gun?) fighting in catacombs, a general good term, and a nice feeling of being genuinely surrounded and under seige. Well Done
I was thinking not so much as mecha but with a bit more arcane, the concept for the Subaru "fusion" idea is based from Erementar Gerad- one of my fave anime- though it has a mech touch, since Subaru is an Evolouder (sp)

TAXI, LART SHELTER QUICK!!! </tech comedy>
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Old 2008-01-16, 14:01   Link #232
Satashi
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Spoiler for SbtB random moment:
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Old 2008-01-16, 14:15   Link #233
BPHaru
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
"Yeah. I'm a lightning mage, pretty strong. Right now I'm- dang it!"

"What?"

Fate growled and the sounds of fast typing and clicking came. " I just got owned. Fsking Asura monks!"

Yuuno's voice came out from the direction of the computer. "Bwahahaha, I killed that mage AGAIN!"/SPOILER]
Wut?
A Safety Wall with good timing and a Asura Monk has nothing to do C_C

Wizards Owns!

Saludos, Haru
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Old 2008-01-16, 14:16   Link #234
krisslanza
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Poor Nanoha See what MMOs do to people! :P
Which reminds me I forgot to comment on the 'mom aggro'. Darn mom aggro, she should've used Vanish or another aggro dump skill and ran like hell o:
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Old 2008-01-16, 15:12   Link #235
Saint X
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BPHaru View Post
Wut?
A Safety Wall with good timing and a Asura Monk has nothing to do C_C

Wizards Owns!

Saludos, Haru
OFF TOPIC

I've seen one wizard too many fall under the influence of "Kaite"...

more under Maya Card protection...

*RUNS*
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Old 2008-01-16, 15:31   Link #236
krisslanza
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Join Date: May 2007
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Bah being the GM class I'll kill you all anyway The female GM sprite is so totally kawaii
*cough*

Ontopic!
My friend finished a 'letter' written by Erika as I? Well I'm planning Aegina von Bronquia, my Varistan character (Well one of them) and I'm thinking how Ashes unto Dust will do... Oh and I should read Satashi-sama's stuff today too...
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Old 2008-01-16, 16:04   Link #237
Satashi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by krisslanza View Post
Bah being the GM class I'll kill you all anyway The female GM sprite is so totally kawaii
*cough*

Ontopic!
My friend finished a 'letter' written by Erika as I? Well I'm planning Aegina von Bronquia, my Varistan character (Well one of them) and I'm thinking how Ashes unto Dust will do... Oh and I should read Satashi-sama's stuff today too...
lol don't worry about reading it if it doesn't interest you
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Old 2008-01-16, 16:14   Link #238
krisslanza
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It does interest me though! T_T
I just get distracted easily and keep forgetting things... *Is very forgetful*
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Old 2008-01-16, 17:55   Link #239
SpaceBrotha
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eagle8819 View Post
I've already double checked with the mod, so despite a previous chapter having M-rating, the rest are safely T and below. And thus, I...spam.

Resplendence of Ebony, part IV, is now up.

Enjoy.

And Satashi-san, if you don't mind, please add in RoE in the archive, too.

*goes to read previous pages*
I went and read the white devil and Resplendence of ebony, and the darker mood you set was rather convincing, the guilt, rage, desperation and generally darker mood seem likely in the situation you've put the characters in.

as for the OC: It's really been a while since i saw someone so down to the core evil, and can't get much more evil than what you've got there... well there's ONE thing i can think up right now, but that would push the T rating to M and perhaps even beyond (is there anything beyond M anyway?)

Looking forward to the next chapter... and dreading it somewhat
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Old 2008-01-16, 17:58   Link #240
krisslanza
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Beyond M is MA but Fanfiction.net doesn't allow that to be published and merely provides it for reference.

And a dark OC eh? maybe I should see that... Aegina is gonna be pretty 'dark' I suppose
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