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Old 2008-01-16, 18:05   Link #241
SpaceBrotha
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Originally Posted by krisslanza View Post
And a dark OC eh? maybe I should see that... Aegina is gonna be pretty 'dark' I suppose
Master of understatements right there...
...He's evil right down to the point where even the reader just wants to hurt him as badly as possible.

...and i'm going to miss that piece of the chair that i wrenched off accidentally while reading...

Edit: Woo! page claim!
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Sayings and quotes hold wisdom in them. Either the wisdom is found in the correctness of the quote, or in the lesson learned from the error.
Hard part is figuring out who's making the errors...
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Old 2008-01-16, 18:19   Link #242
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Yes MA is not allowed...

dark and evil OC eh...

Introduce him/her to the Outer Cadian Society of Dark and Evil OCs... and have him/her beaten up by the Outer Cadian Society of Heroes

TAXI, LART SHELTER QUICK!!!</tech comedy>
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Old 2008-01-16, 18:31   Link #243
krisslanza
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Wow that sounds like a pretty evil guy
Aegina so far on paper has boiled down to a sort of blood thirsty, borderline pyschopathic, and slightly er... Let us just say lustful. Yes go with that.

Not sure if she'll appear in Ashes unto Dust or in my friend's though.
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Old 2008-01-16, 18:58   Link #244
Satashi
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I backtracked several posts but I KNOW I'm missing someone I was supposed to archive.... Could you please direct me to what it was you wanted, whoever it was? Sorry, I'm just missing it but I know it's there >.<

(sorry, I'm still new at archiving, I suck at finding things >< )

Last edited by Satashi; 2008-01-16 at 20:14.
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Old 2008-01-16, 22:18   Link #245
Reiji Tabibito
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SpaceBrotha View Post
Well, besides the two you mentioned, people also might want to read FF for romance, additional background, character developement (for shafted people IE hayate), and sometimes even for tragedy...

...But your two reasons tend to be the main selling points of many series and movies outside of fanfiction as well, for they ARE good things to have in just about anything
True enough...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aaron008R View Post
Which is why I'm actually surprised I get some 'more than just good' or 'very good' review ratings from you. Since I'm just a relative beginner in writing. Though I guess I get to hit the right spots at those times.
You do.

Granted, your style isn't as solid as Satashi's, but your works work with much more EPIC source material...

Here's a comparison:

Your works, if made into movies, would probably be the summer blockbusters: Transformers, Pirates of the Caribbean, Spider-Man, Lord of the Rings,, and whatnot.

Satashi's works, if made into movies, would be the romantic comedies:
Love Actually, When Harry Met Sally, Sleepless in Seattle, The Holiday, and so forth.

Said another way, Satashi's works are the ones that win Academy Awards (so to speak), while yours are the ones that make $500 million at the box office.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Aaron008R View Post
Though IMHO, Jail's threat in the 6th Division series provided far more EPIC compared to StrikerS.
True...but saying that you could improve on StrikerS isn't much in most departments...



Quote:
Originally Posted by Aaron008R View Post
They're pretty high up the ladder, as far as I know...
Tom Clancy you should know. If you don't, then don't say so or I'll send Fuko and her starfish after you.

Clive Cussler is the author of over a dozen novels, going all the way back to the 70s. They feature a fictional government agency, NUMA, and the star is Dirk Pitt, a man who is Bond, Batman, and Indy all rolled into one. Cussler specializes in techno-thrillers.

Jack DuBrul is another author whose specialty is the techno-thriller. His hero is Phillip Mercer, freelance geologist.

James Clavell is the author of the Asian Saga, whose first novel is well known to ANYONE:

Shogun.

The book was made into a miniseries starring Richard Chamberlain, John Rhys-Davies, and Toshiro Mifune.

Umberto Eco is the sort of man who looks even CLANNAD's Kotomi-chan look like a fool - he's received over 30 doctorates from academic institutions worldwide.

He's written TWO novels, both amazing.

The first was The Name of the Rose, which was later made into a movie with Sean Connery. Despite the AWESOME lead actor, the movie STILL does not compare to the book.

The other is Foucault's Pendulum, which I'm reading right now.

Be warned: Eco is NOT an easy read. I sometimes find myself having to go back and reread sections -

- and I was reading guys like Tolkien, Dumas, and Bram Stoker at the age of TEN.

Right now, I'm looking for a copy of Murasaki's Genji Monogatari - if THAT tells you anymore.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Aaron008R View Post
I though you meant 'nya~' that's the equivalent of 'meow~' in Japanese...
<frowns>

Do I have to get out Mr. Beat Stick again?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
Spoiler for SbtB random moment:

You seem to know some things... do you play?
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Old 2008-01-16, 22:43   Link #246
Satashi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Reiji Tabibito View Post
True enough...
You do.

Granted, your style isn't as solid as Satashi's, but your works work with much more EPIC source material...

Here's a comparison:

Your works, if made into movies, would probably be the summer blockbusters: Transformers, Pirates of the Caribbean, Spider-Man, Lord of the Rings,, and whatnot.

Satashi's works, if made into movies, would be the romantic comedies:
Love Actually, When Harry Met Sally, Sleepless in Seattle, The Holiday, and so forth.

Said another way, Satashi's works are the ones that win Academy Awards (so to speak), while yours are the ones that make $500 million at the box office.

True...but saying that you could improve on StrikerS isn't much in most departments...

<frowns>

Do I have to get out Mr. Beat Stick again?

You seem to know some things... do you play?
My stories are kind of like a flash in the pan. Big when they hit and then they kinda fade away. Now the summer blockbusters. Oh man, those are the ones people just keep talking about

I think "Nyan" is the correct kitty sound. but "Nya" is the more commonly used one.

I thought it was a meow too...

[edit]: Yes, I play. I have a level 70 Grand Marshal rogue (also rival, challenger, justicar, gladiator) and my current character is a level 70 restro shaman. World of Warcraft = my life lol

Last edited by Satashi; 2008-01-16 at 23:37.
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Old 2008-01-16, 23:03   Link #247
Eagle8819
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Originally Posted by toran View Post
I love the chapter. I didn't see anything really wrong at first glance, so I don't have too much to comment.

Why do I get the feeling Nanoha is going to berserk here?
I just got the image of her attacking everyone there in a fit of rage.
If she can go berserk in WD, it's just going to get worse, here... >.>

Quote:
Originally Posted by SpaceBrotha View Post
I went and read the white devil and Resplendence of ebony, and the darker mood you set was rather convincing, the guilt, rage, desperation and generally darker mood seem likely in the situation you've put the characters in.

as for the OC: It's really been a while since i saw someone so down to the core evil, and can't get much more evil than what you've got there... well there's ONE thing i can think up right now, but that would push the T rating to M and perhaps even beyond (is there anything beyond M anyway?)

Looking forward to the next chapter... and dreading it somewhat
Quote:
Originally Posted by SpaceBrotha View Post
Master of understatements right there...
...He's evil right down to the point where even the reader just wants to hurt him as badly as possible.

...and i'm going to miss that piece of the chair that i wrenched off accidentally while reading...

Edit: Woo! page claim!
Hearing this pleases me so. <3

...Though I have to admit I didn't think anyone would be affected by him that much. O.o Cause he's just a sort of random character out of the blue that I dumped evilness and evilness and evilness into it. I'm not much of a creator, which is why I usually stay far, far away from OC characters. I would have used Jail, but he's not quite suitable either.

*tries to fix chair but ends up making it squeaky*

...Well. At least you can still, uh, sit on it...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saint X View Post
Yes MA is not allowed...

dark and evil OC eh...

Introduce him/her to the Outer Cadian Society of Dark and Evil OCs... and have him/her beaten up by the Outer Cadian Society of Heroes

TAXI, LART SHELTER QUICK!!!</tech comedy>
...Don't put ideas in my head, I beg. You're going to start making me list out things like behavior and looks and etc which I've been trying to avoid thinking of desperately, because then it's going to make me fond of him and...and... DD:

...but it could be entertaining. The fandom needs more bad guys so I can use them for...certain purposes...
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Old 2008-01-16, 23:22   Link #248
Riddly
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eagle8819 View Post
I've already double checked with the mod, so despite a previous chapter having M-rating, the rest are safely T and below. And thus, I...spam.

Resplendence of Ebony, part IV, is now up.

Enjoy.

And Satashi-san, if you don't mind, please add in RoE in the archive, too.

*goes to read previous pages*
I love the crazy, extreme situations you place your characters in. Such tough choices for Nanoha to make. It makes you think on what you would do in that situation. The raw emotion they're all feeling in such a desperate situation is very realistic.

My stomach did a flip when I realized what needed to be done for the "game." Heck, I felt desperate right along with Nanoha. I didn't want what needed to happen, happen, but then I also didn't want to see the others die.

I look forward to the next chapter. (You evil cliffhanger person)
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Old 2008-01-17, 00:46   Link #249
Satashi
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Saved by the bell

Length:8,000 words
Status: chapter -complete. Spellcheck -not yet. Card -not yet. diary entries- not yet.
ETA: Tomorrow night 100%.
Estimated length: about 9,000 words

I don't like the start of this chapter, as it's just random WAFF. Doesn't do anything for the plot, but does make characters get closer. Anyway, the END of this chapter I rather like. I got some great Precia/Fate moments and the diary entries will be great as well. Also got a TON of plot out of the way. So I think this chapter averaged out okay.

Oh, one thing though. I got a review saying that they felt as if this chapter was about "two American teens" and not really Nanoha/Fate.....Well, I don't know how much like the canon characters I can get them, as they don't use magic nor are interested in the military... Am I doing an okay job with them? Suggestions on how to improve it?

As far as "American" goes...well, I can't really see that. After school activities. Clubs. Cosplay café. School uniforms. I don't really know how I made them come off as "American"....I do intentionally use dollars in this story instead of yen. And first name first, last name last (which I don't know why...) But other than that, is there anything I can do to make this more....Japanese-y?

all help appreciated >.<
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Old 2008-01-17, 01:12   Link #250
Krinen
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
Saved by the bell

Length:8,000 words
Status: chapter -complete. Spellcheck -not yet. Card -not yet. diary entries- not yet.
ETA: Tomorrow night 100%.
Estimated length: about 9,000 words

I don't like the start of this chapter, as it's just random WAFF. Doesn't do anything for the plot, but does make characters get closer. Anyway, the END of this chapter I rather like. I got some great Precia/Fate moments and the diary entries will be great as well. Also got a TON of plot out of the way. So I think this chapter averaged out okay.

Oh, one thing though. I got a review saying that they felt as if this chapter was about "two American teens" and not really Nanoha/Fate.....Well, I don't know how much like the canon characters I can get them, as they don't use magic nor are interested in the military... Am I doing an okay job with them? Suggestions on how to improve it?

As far as "American" goes...well, I can't really see that. After school activities. Clubs. Cosplay café. School uniforms. I don't really know how I made them come off as "American"....I do intentionally use dollars in this story instead of yen. And first name first, last name last (which I don't know why...) But other than that, is there anything I can do to make this more....Japanese-y?

all help appreciated >.<
I honestly think you're doing a swell job with them, nor do I see where "American" fits in, either.
Other than that, You'll have to wait for someone else to comment, because I'm damn-near nil on Japanese culture and passtimes.
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Old 2008-01-17, 01:56   Link #251
Kourin
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
Saved by the bell

Length:8,000 words
Status: chapter -complete. Spellcheck -not yet. Card -not yet. diary entries- not yet.
ETA: Tomorrow night 100%.
Estimated length: about 9,000 words

I don't like the start of this chapter, as it's just random WAFF. Doesn't do anything for the plot, but does make characters get closer. Anyway, the END of this chapter I rather like. I got some great Precia/Fate moments and the diary entries will be great as well. Also got a TON of plot out of the way. So I think this chapter averaged out okay.

Oh, one thing though. I got a review saying that they felt as if this chapter was about "two American teens" and not really Nanoha/Fate.....Well, I don't know how much like the canon characters I can get them, as they don't use magic nor are interested in the military... Am I doing an okay job with them? Suggestions on how to improve it?

As far as "American" goes...well, I can't really see that. After school activities. Clubs. Cosplay café. School uniforms. I don't really know how I made them come off as "American"....I do intentionally use dollars in this story instead of yen. And first name first, last name last (which I don't know why...) But other than that, is there anything I can do to make this more....Japanese-y?

all help appreciated >.<

I was the one who left that review. sorry I didn't elaborate more. This is just my feelings on it.

When I said American, I meant some of the dialogue and some aspects of Nanoha and Fate’s personality, not the Japanese culture/school part. (e.g. using “Oh man…” or “Come now, up and at'm silly girl” and a few other really North American colloquial phrases.)

And Fate seemed a little too open and not shy? (e.g. when she was telling Nanoha that she slept in the nude, or referencing an orgasm while eating that cookie in chapter 3. didn’t really feel very Fate to me… more like a North American teenager.)

Like in A’s, Fate was soft-spoken and easily embarrassed (e.g. A’s drama CD, Fate got embarrassed at the bath house because Amy let loose that she can’t wash her hair alone and kept insisting that she could) … even in StrikerS. Here, she was more socially adapted than in A’s so it explains the lack of shyness but she was still reserved in a polite… more quiet manner (e.g. last ep of StrikerS, everyone was all rallied for the all-out battle but Fate was the one who had reservations at first). And even though she was close to Nanoha, they were still quite polite with each other and their interactions tend to be more... soft (don't really know how to say this... maybe I'll think of it later)

and unlike the end of the first season, Fate and Nanoha have yet to go through a similar big breakthrough in your fic so I just felt that Fate was opening up a little too quickly. Asian cultures tend to be more reserved about sharing personal details (especially family details) unless the person is really really close to them.

Precia, although very interesting and fun this way, seemed just a little too perky. A nice Precia for me would be easier to imagine if she was like the Precia in Fate’s dream in Nanoha A’s when she was sucked into the Book of Darkness.

but all in all, this is an alternate universe so lots of things are up to interpretation. whatever feels best for you.
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Old 2008-01-17, 02:23   Link #252
SpaceBrotha
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Originally Posted by Kourin View Post
Spoiler for right:
Well, i do agree, atleast partially, with you about fate's personality quirks...
...but otherwise the characters seems rather plausible to be japanese. Also, the ways things are said could be interpreted as north american way of saying stuff because it's written in english, hence all the sayings and figures of speech should be english, and since the writer probably isn't that familiar with british sayings, she goes with north american ones.

...@Satashi-chan: please keep writing them as you have, because if you start rewriting the personalities and quirks that they possess atm, you'll end up with some real sketchy plot holes (in the lack of a better term) and it'll downgrade the overall quality of the story.

Just remember, you can't please everyone, and it's your fic so you write it as you wish.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eagle8819
Spoiler:
I've got a strong sense of justice or something like that, so people like him really get to me... Saying that i hate evil people is perhaps a bit redundant, but that seems to be the case.

...oh, and don't mind the chair, the armrest had been both squeaky and loose for quite a while... it's only a bit more so now (as in, unattached)
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"The truth of the matter is that you always know the right thing to do. The hard part is doing it." Norman Schwarzkopf
"Whoever stands by a just cause cannot possibly be called a terrorist." Yassar Arafat
Sayings and quotes hold wisdom in them. Either the wisdom is found in the correctness of the quote, or in the lesson learned from the error.
Hard part is figuring out who's making the errors...

Last edited by SpaceBrotha; 2008-01-17 at 02:40. Reason: added something for eagle =)
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Old 2008-01-17, 09:00   Link #253
Satashi
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I kinda get what you're saying now. A few things, like dialog, was made because like someone else said, this is a fanfic in English. So I use English phrases. I try to keep Japanese things if I can, like greeting "Good morning" never happened at my school. It was always"yo" "sup" "hi" or no greeting at all, just talking.

Hmmm....Fate. I think I said this before, on the old thread, so I'll give my thoughts again. Fate, to me, isn't so much as shy but easily embarrassed. In A's, Fate never really held back her thoughts or actions. In the manga, she was open and forward (like during the dodge ball game, she was the leader and it showed). However, when someone teased her in anyway, she got embarrassed super fast and tried to defend herself. I think I portrayed that in SbtB well?

Okay, them being too open too soon... *thinks* Well, Fate has a crush and therefore naturally likes Nanoha. She perked Fate's interest right away you could say. I do agree that they seem to have gotten close so soon. But so far around two months have passed since they met. I tried in this new chapter to kind of give a reasoning for Nanoha being so clingy to Fate. Hopefully that will help this out. Let me know if it worked when it's posted?

Precia...Hooooboy. Can't deny that one at all XD! She's too perky, too lively, too out spoken, and a lot of other "too" 's as well lol. I'll have to say here that I.... well, I used "author's privileges in an Alternate Universe" to shape her up. How did I get her personality? My aunt hahaha. My aunt is just like Precia in this story. I think Fate really needs a good mother and since I had the chance.... I'm making up for all those bad things I wrote about Fate with this story XD! (actually no, I'm embarrassing 10 years off Fate's life )

I can't change the characters now since I'm in so far, but I can start making things a little better. Do you have any suggestions on things they might do instead of what they have been? Like, instead of "up and at'm silly girl" What do you think should have been said? I'll try to adjust a little without exactly changing what they are.

Quote:
Just remember, you can't please everyone, and it's your fic so you write it as you wish.
I will, don't worry. Advice never hurt anyone though ^_^ I may take it, may not, but it's great to be able to reflect back and see things that I could have done better ^_^
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Old 2008-01-17, 09:51   Link #254
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eagle8819 View Post
...Don't put ideas in my head, I beg. You're going to start making me list out things like behavior and looks and etc which I've been trying to avoid thinking of desperately, because then it's going to make me fond of him and...and... DD:

...but it could be entertaining. The fandom needs more bad guys so I can use them for...certain purposes...
THE POWER OF OC COMPELS YOU!!!
THE POWER OF OC COMPELS YOU!!!
THE POWER OF OC COMPELS YOU!!!
THE POWER OF OC COMPELS YOU!!!
THE POWER OF OC COMPELS YOU!!! </GEASS>

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!!!
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!!!
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!!!
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!!! </Borg>

===

On another note, might as well read and dig up some more of my pieces...
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Old 2008-01-17, 10:10   Link #255
krisslanza
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Ok I have a timeline down now! Since I have a 4 day weekend (I don't have classes on Friday, and I don't feel motivated to spend $2.50 tomorrow to get to use the computers for 5 hours, they close early on Friday) I'll use as much of that weekend as I need to finish School of Lyrical chapter 3. It must be finished I say! I've taken far longer then I wanted as is already because I'm so lazy

Then any freetime will go into turning my Arc-en-Ciel teaser into an official prologue. I've decided Yggdra Union fic gets the boot down on my list to below finishing Rune and other things. Low priority to me now Nanoha has consumed my soul
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Old 2008-01-17, 11:01   Link #256
Satashi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by krisslanza View Post
Ok I have a timeline down now! Since I have a 4 day weekend (I don't have classes on Friday, and I don't feel motivated to spend $2.50 tomorrow to get to use the computers for 5 hours, they close early on Friday) I'll use as much of that weekend as I need to finish School of Lyrical chapter 3. It must be finished I say! I've taken far longer then I wanted as is already because I'm so lazy

Then any freetime will go into turning my Arc-en-Ciel teaser into an official prologue. I've decided Yggdra Union fic gets the boot down on my list to below finishing Rune and other things. Low priority to me now Nanoha has consumed my soul
The power of Nanoha Compels thee! *holy water!*

Start writing, and pay that two fifty!
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Old 2008-01-17, 11:12   Link #257
Kirika-chan
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Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
Precia...Hooooboy. Can't deny that one at all XD! She's too perky, too lively, too out spoken, and a lot of other "too" 's as well lol. I'll have to say here that I.... well, I used "author's privileges in an Alternate Universe" to shape her up. How did I get her personality? My aunt hahaha. My aunt is just like Precia in this story. I think Fate really needs a good mother and since I had the chance.... I'm making up for all those bad things I wrote about Fate with this story XD! (actually no, I'm embarrassing 10 years off Fate's life )
I just want to say that Precia is the character that I like the most compare in the original serie ^^ (because she's really not the same XD)

But, of course I prefer Nanoha and Fate and even if they change much, I like this imagine side of characters. (sorry if nobody understand me XD!!)
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Old 2008-01-17, 11:23   Link #258
Satashi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kirika-chan View Post
I just want to say that Precia is the character that I like the most compare in the original serie ^^ (because she's really not the same XD)

But, of course I prefer Nanoha and Fate and even if they change much, I like this imagine side of characters. (sorry if nobody understand me XD!!)
Your English is really good, don't worry!

I'm told Precia is a lot of character's favourite lol.

So, how about some fun. Blame Haru for showing me how to use polls ><

Vote for your fave character in SbtB
http://snappoll.com/poll/245211.php
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Old 2008-01-17, 11:24   Link #259
krisslanza
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
The power of Nanoha Compels thee! *holy water!*

Start writing, and pay that two fifty!
Nooo holy waaater! *Flails on the ground and writhles* (No clue how to spell that XD)

Well I guess it wouldn't hurt :P I've been eating like a bag of chips and a candy bar for lunch so I have left over lunch money I could spend on bus fare instead... I think I'll do that. I'm a internet addict anyway I'll use Friday as my last day (until Tuesday) to plot out Arc-en-Ciel with my friend and use Saturday, Sunday, and Monday for vigorous writing
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Old 2008-01-17, 11:34   Link #260
Kourin
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Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
I kinda get what you're saying now. A few things, like dialog, was made because like someone else said, this is a fanfic in English. So I use English phrases. I try to keep Japanese things if I can, like greeting "Good morning" never happened at my school. It was always"yo" "sup" "hi" or no greeting at all, just talking.
I get where you're coming from. maybe it's just a personal quirk but when using certain (not all, some) colloquial english phrases in dialogue, it takes away the japanese tone, such that, it's a little difficult to imagine the character saying it. Yo or sup would be a little too north american IMO. 'hi' would work or just launching into conversation . some people do say good morning, especially in japan though more towards teachers or older people.

Quote:
Hmmm....Fate. I think I said this before, on the old thread, so I'll give my thoughts again. Fate, to me, isn't so much as shy but easily embarrassed. In A's, Fate never really held back her thoughts or actions. In the manga, she was open and forward (like during the dodge ball game, she was the leader and it showed). However, when someone teased her in anyway, she got embarrassed super fast and tried to defend herself. I think I portrayed that in SbtB well?
true. the shyness she did have was more from being hesitant and unfamiliar with what is expected of her in a more stable/normal life i think.

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Okay, them being too open too soon... *thinks* Well, Fate has a crush and therefore naturally likes Nanoha. She perked Fate's interest right away you could say. I do agree that they seem to have gotten close so soon. But so far around two months have passed since they met. I tried in this new chapter to kind of give a reasoning for Nanoha being so clingy to Fate. Hopefully that will help this out. Let me know if it worked when it's posted?
she may want to know more about nanoha (and nanoha would be more than willing to share i think) but Fate may not equally return that favour that soon is what I'm saying. most people would be open to sharing things with a crush but not everyone. and in a friendship, two months really isn't that long at all.

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Precia...Hooooboy. Can't deny that one at all XD! She's too perky, too lively, too out spoken, and a lot of other "too" 's as well lol. I'll have to say here that I.... well, I used "author's privileges in an Alternate Universe" to shape her up. How did I get her personality? My aunt hahaha. My aunt is just like Precia in this story. I think Fate really needs a good mother and since I had the chance.... I'm making up for all those bad things I wrote about Fate with this story XD! (actually no, I'm embarrassing 10 years off Fate's life )
awww... your aunt is so cute! but as someone else said, don't change anything at all. it'll disrupt things as it wasn't written that way to begin with. it's fine the way it is.

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I can't change the characters now since I'm in so far, but I can start making things a little better. Do you have any suggestions on things they might do instead of what they have been? Like, instead of "up and at'm silly girl" What do you think should have been said? I'll try to adjust a little without exactly changing what they are.
the things they have been doing is fun as I said in my review. no need to change. it's just the few little things. that's all.

"Get up!!"..."Wake up!!" ... "Come on, get up!"
It's plain but.... the exclamation points help? heh
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