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Old 2008-02-02, 13:17   Link #821
Fuyu no Sora
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
In order to keep this post from being like 2,000 words, I'll just give a thanks to everyone who replied All really good comments and suggestions on why it's like that. Gave me a good incite on how to write and what to avoid, so I'm happy I got such good replies ^_^
Why did you actually ask that question?

Quote:
@thread: SbtB X will be released today.
Yay! I'll be looking forward to that

PAGE CLAIM!!!
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Old 2008-02-02, 13:43   Link #822
Satashi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fuyu no Sora View Post
Why did you actually ask that question?
I wanted to hear people's thoughts, and it was to promote more interaction here.

SbtB X
status: complete. Adding diary, adding card
length:5.4k without diary/card
pending spell check
ETA: within 2 hours
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Old 2008-02-02, 13:48   Link #823
Kirika-chan
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2 hours? *___* I'll be waiting like a good girl XD

(what's happen this time?)

Oh, and Nanoha has a tournement of tennis soon, no? ... Or I make a mistake? XD
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Old 2008-02-02, 14:58   Link #824
Satashi
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Chapter X of SbtB

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3991951/10/

Enjoy~
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Old 2008-02-02, 15:05   Link #825
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Okay, time to throw up what I've got.

"Crash the Test Dummy."
Genre: Action Comedy (With a hint of Parody)
Prologue and Chapter one
(This links to SheezyArt. SheezyArt may occaisionally be down or optimising its database.)


Associated Sound Cinema sequences:
http://www.sheezyart.com/view/1441314/
http://www.sheezyart.com/view/1506219/
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Old 2008-02-02, 15:12   Link #826
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YAY!! THE UPDATE HAS COME!!! Kawaii...XD
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Old 2008-02-02, 15:34   Link #827
Sam the Onion
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Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
Noooo~! Nanoha is starting to accept it. Ah well, you can't deny these kind of things forever.

Spoiler for Spoileringz:
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Old 2008-02-02, 16:12   Link #828
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sam the Onion View Post
I'm suprised that Nanoha gave in to smoking so easily. I would have thought she would be against it a bit more.
Actually now that you mention it, that did really bother me. I know Nanoha is young and inexperienced in this sort of thing, but I had always believed that Nanoha was stronger than this, in any setting AU or otherwise. The fact she actually believed Candy so easily really bothers me, because Nanoha is not that naive.

She isn't stupid enough to believe Candy, no matter how much pressure. Besides, I thinks he's smart enough to know what it was only her and Candy out there, and no one else was with them taking a smoking break.

Besides, how good is that for her image? She wants them to convey a message of confidence. Smoking is nothing more than a flimsy hiding spot that will do more harm than good if her immune system is worth all against the affects of inhaling all that .

If anything, she should have outright refused the girl, and let her smoke by herself, and head back in. That really ruins Nanoha's image both in terms of the story, and in terms of the reader's POV. Nanoha is smarter than that, and we all know it.

Despite the fact there are things about herself she's uncomfortable with, I honestly believe she knows smoking could do more harm than good for her. The addiction could possibly destroy everything that she's worked hard to gain, up to this point. The last thing she needs is something like this to ruin what could be a promising career, especially if her friends give up on her if the addiction runs rampant.

P.S. Before you flying off the handle, this is the major danger of fanfictions and why people are commenting heavily when a character strays and become OOC. You had established Nanoha to simply have some confidence issues, and wanting to changer herself so that she can one day teach others how to be just an confident as she is when she becomes a model.

However, the fact she gave in so easily to Candy's smoking offer, derails what you have established thus far, creating a discrepancy, a major one at that, in Nanoha's character. It may be a plot device, but it has to work out to the character's personality. One person isn't going to affect her if she doesn't trust their words truly, like she trusts Fate and Yuuno. They've left their mark on her, so she trusts their judgment wholly. Candy doesn't have Nanoha's respect in that sense yet. She hasn't gained a spot in Nanoha's list of close friends to be able to influence her like that so easily.

You know...kind of funny how only yesterday you were asking why people were freaking out at fanfics that have their characters go OOC, and now you've just fallen into one of the major traps of OOC fanfictions or original works: Throwing them into situations that are against what the characters have been established as.

Last edited by ghazghkull; 2008-02-02 at 17:00.
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Old 2008-02-02, 16:27   Link #829
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Oh my how the mighty have fallen... Ragnaros the dragon reduced to a photographer as well Seems all the raid bosses get tired of people beating them up and retire to a nice peaceful job of photography

It was a nice read though. I kind of suspected that ending when Nanoha had that tattoo seen... I just know this won't end well

I actually did finish the date in SoL... But really no one expect anything great. It is more of a friend kind of date... So don't expect much from it I think I might finish it by next week or the week after. Depends on how long this essay takes *Prods it* Evil thing.
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Old 2008-02-02, 16:32   Link #830
BPHaru
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ghazghkull View Post
If anything, she should have outright refused the girl, and let her smoke by herself, and head back in. That really ruins Nanoha's image both in terms of the story, and in terms of the reader's POV. Nanoha is smarter than that, and we all know it.

Despite the fact there are things about herself she's uncomfortable with, I honestly believe she knows smoking could do more harm than good for her. The addiction could possibly destroy everything that she's worked hard to gain, up to this point. The last thing she needs is something like this to ruin what could be a promising career, especially if her friends give up on her if the addiction runs rampant.
This was a good chapter, I especially liked the last part, but Iím with ghazasdf, I second his points, the cigarette part ruined my mood while I was reading this chapter.

Saludos, Haru
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Old 2008-02-02, 16:34   Link #831
Sam the Onion
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Originally Posted by ghazghkull View Post
Actually now that you mention it, that did really bother me. I know Nanoha is young and inexperienced in this sort of thing, but I had always believed that Nanoha was stronger than this, in any setting AU or otherwise. The fact she actually believed Candy so easily really bothers me, because Nanoha is not that naive.

She isn't stupid enough to believe Candy, no matter how much pressure. Besides, I thinks he's smart enough to know what it was only her and Candy out there, and no one else was with them taking a smoking break.

Besides, how good is that for her image? She wants them to convey a message of confidence. Smoking is nothing more than a flimsy hiding spot that will do more harm than good if her immune system is worth all against the affects of inhaling all that .

If anything, she should have outright refused the girl, and let her smoke by herself, and head back in. That really ruins Nanoha's image both in terms of the story, and in terms of the reader's POV. Nanoha is smarter than that, and we all know it.

Despite the fact there are things about herself she's uncomfortable with, I honestly believe she knows smoking could do more harm than good for her. The addiction could possibly destroy everything that she's worked hard to gain, up to this point. The last thing she needs is something like this to ruin what could be a promising career, especially if her friends give up on her if the addiction runs rampant.
My thoughts exactly but I have to strongly disagree on that last part.

There are very openly gay people in this fic and there's nobody judging them (Did you know that in real world these still aren't all that accepable by some people ) so I am very doubtful that her friends would leave Nanoha just because she would have to take a joint every hour or so. Sure it would cause well reasoned worry to them and need to help her, but not in anyone's dreams would they leave her by herself just because of it.

But otherwise I agree 100% with you. That was very unlike Nanoha and she already knew that Candy was a itch so she shoudn't have thought that she would tell the 'truth' in any way. 'Rude' not to smoke? I can't see many people believing that.

Either health education fails majorly in wherever this fic is placed or Nanoha had a momentary brain failure.
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Old 2008-02-02, 16:44   Link #832
ghazghkull
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Oops. Yeah that last bit was my mistake, but on the whole at least people are seeing my point.

So...no offense Satashi, but I think you bungled this chapter up a bit with that smoking bit. It was a bit of a mood killer.

But if Nanoha was in an extremely confused state and had no idea of wtf to do, then I could see it possibly happening, or if she was pressured by a group of people. That work make sense. But just Candy? Uh uh, not happening. She shouldn't be trusting Candy on that one bit.

And I think I can safely say, that a reasonable amount of your readers are going to agree with the point Sam brought up.
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Old 2008-02-02, 17:02   Link #833
Gillian
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to the smoking thing, I can agree with the others(I also thought Nanoha would refuse), but at that time she was shy and Candy has some experience and so Nanoha would look up to her a little bit. With that I can understand, that nanoha wanted to try the smoking thing

now stop with smoking
Spoiler for story comment:
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Old 2008-02-02, 18:27   Link #834
Satashi
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Lots of disagreeing on smoking part, but I put it there for a reason. Can't exactly reveal WHY right now but you'll just have to trust me on it.

What I can say is simple. You are all acting as if smoking is some ultra high-end bad thing to do. You have the extremist " omfg Nanoha is going to die of lung cancer " thing going. First, it's one cigarette. Nanoha isn't a smoking adict from it. Anyone in the real world will say the same thing: "35-40% of teenagers have tried smoking at one point."

It's not a confidence issue, nor was it really peer pressure that did it. It most certainly wasn't Nanoha trying to fit in with Candy. Re-read it a little closer if you would. Candy told her that everyone smokes on breaks and it would be a good chance for her to meet the staff. Nanoha accepted and thought "If I can just stomach this long enough to..."

Take away your extreme point of view and read it like it was. Nanoha doing something that might allow her to get to know everyone she works with. From that she is not weak nor do I think it was OOC for her to accept it in my story. In StrikerS yes. In 6th Division yes. But the Nanoha who is trying to climb her way up and become a model, no. She stated she didn't smoke, she didn't just take it but rather doubted it, and finally did it only so she could meet new people later on. So once again, I must ask you to not be so extreme on the issue and see it as just something that happened.

Sorry if you didn't like it or thought it was too OOC but I wrote it for a reason ^^
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Old 2008-02-02, 18:31   Link #835
krisslanza
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I mean if you would pick on anyone for being a smoking addict... You should all be beating up on my OC Rune instead.

I always trust everything Satashi-sama writes has a reason. Even the little things that seem unimportant. :P
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Old 2008-02-02, 18:48   Link #836
Sam the Onion
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I understood that it had a reason. Otherwise it woudn't be there.

But there's still some contradiction in that.

Nanoha is underaged, right? Why would the staff be smoking with her then? I can't see those cheerful stylists asking Nanoha to smoke with them. And if she plans to continue this route that she would meet the staff eventually in few years, she would definetly be addicted to it.

After rereading that part another thing popped into my head. Quoting myself so I don't have to write too much and my point is more easily understood.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sam the Onion View Post
Spoiler for Kwestions:
Right. It seems that Nanoha told Candy for the first time that she didn't like elevators so Nanoha didn't write it in her public profile for everybody to abuse.

Assuming that it was Candy (Haven't seen anybody else bitchy enough) who did it. It really was just general bitching and Candy has proven that her mind using capability isn't the very best.

This makes me wonder the building layout a little bit. Candy was in the office when they left but still managed to turn the emergency switch. Do they leave these things out for everybody to turn for their own amusement? This is just that I can't see anybody but Candy doing this kind of thing unless Satashi-sama hasn't revealed the real culprit yet, but that would leave more questions like why.


This may be just me but these little things bother me very much

Edit:
Quote:
Originally Posted by krisslanza View Post
I mean if you would pick on anyone for being a smoking addict... You should all be beating up on my OC Rune instead.

I always trust everything Satashi-sama writes has a reason. Even the little things that seem unimportant. :P
This little thing was big enough to create lots of conversation, which would make it important enough.

I understand fully what Satashi-sama means here as I do it very much in my own project. Reasonless writing is mostly for fun, which this clearly wasn't after looking at people's response to it. (Myself included.)
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Old 2008-02-02, 20:09   Link #837
Gillian
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Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
Spoiler for too long:
interesting,
now I'm curious what you plan with the entire smoking thing

Last edited by Gillian; 2008-02-02 at 20:31.
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Old 2008-02-02, 20:35   Link #838
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Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
Lots of disagreeing on smoking part, but I put it there for a reason. Can't exactly reveal WHY right now but you'll just have to trust me on it.

What I can say is simple. You are all acting as if smoking is some ultra high-end bad thing to do. You have the extremist " omfg Nanoha is going to die of lung cancer " thing going. First, it's one cigarette. Nanoha isn't a smoking adict from it. Anyone in the real world will say the same thing: "35-40% of teenagers have tried smoking at one point."
And apparently, as many as 1/3rd of the adult population smokes, which suggest that most of that 35-40% eventually succumb to being a regular smoker.

Quote:
Take away your extreme point of view and read it like it was. Nanoha doing something that might allow her to get to know everyone she works with. From that she is not weak nor do I think it was OOC for her to accept it in my story. In StrikerS yes. In 6th Division yes. But the Nanoha who is trying to climb her way up and become a model, no. She stated she didn't smoke, she didn't just take it but rather doubted it, and finally did it only so she could meet new people later on. So once again, I must ask you to not be so extreme on the issue and see it as just something that happened.

Sorry if you didn't like it or thought it was too OOC but I wrote it for a reason ^^
Just confirm I will indeed get more factoids later that might influence my opinion on this.

Quite frankly, while it is not like she took PCP, nevertheless. "Doing something to get to know everyone she works with" is IMHO a bending to peer pressure. Or rather, a perception of peer pressure, formed entirely on the hearsay of one idiot Candy.

And she bent in way too few lines ... even a weak character would be expected to resist for more paragraphs before giving in. It might have been better, IMO, had this smoking thing been built up over several persuasion sessions by Candy. Or something. Just not in a period so short it filled maybe 1/3rd of a screen. Do something self destructive and law violating in that short a time? Hmm...

OOC is fine (and yes I count this OOC even granting the different scenario) but frankly the buildup is too short and implausible this time and it felt like a break.

Fijnal nitpick: Yunno is a Teacher's Assistant. It is highly unlikely that he'll be a Professor, an Assistant Professor or even a "Lecturer' (koushi).
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Old 2008-02-02, 21:07   Link #839
Satashi
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once again, you're seeing an extremist POV. There needs no build up. There doesn't need a storyline where she finally gives in. She didn't "give in" to it, she accepted the offer. She said she didn't smoke and then tried it anyway. She never said "oh it's bad for your health" or anything.

the legal age is 20 in Japan but in a lot of cases, people don't care.

I'm sorry a few of you really don't like it, but still I'm going to run with what I originally had. Just try to see it as what it was, not blowing it up out of proportion. I mean, almost everyone said "okay" to the girls drinking alcohol at the sleepover but suddenly something "less threatening" and doesn't get them drunk as hell causes a huge commotion. Remember the alcohol was acceptable because it was 'in moderation' and 'for fun' and 'not get drunk' but you still all accepted it for laughs. The smoking was just like that, and the reason I took out the alcohol is because I didn't want Nanoha smoking and drinking. It's a small thing, don't let it bother you so much, you're thinking too hard on it.

EDIT:
Poll needed.

What are on Nanoha's panties?
http://snappoll.com/poll/249380.php
(yes there is a reason I asked)

Last edited by Satashi; 2008-02-02 at 21:19.
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Old 2008-02-02, 21:42   Link #840
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I debated a long time about if I should post this or not, but I guess here goes.

The smoking thing I didn't really care or not care about... I didn't feel that it was trigger warning lights like for a lot of others.

There was a small typo that kinda confused me for a little "Word" instead of "World" I'm not trying to sound like a spelling tyrant here ^_^;; but it confused me for a spilt second.

Overall though, I enjoyed the chapter, there was something off about this chapter compared to the rest but I'm not too sure what it is yet.

Well I think I talk too much... so I'll end it at that.

Ugh...

I think I just blinded myself
http://danbooru.donmai.us/post/show/...yrical-nanoha-
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