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Old 2008-03-06, 13:52   Link #2041
krisslanza
Sleep beneath the flowers
 
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Lording above all of humanity >;3
Age: 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by Evangelion Xgouki View Post
I think it's suppose to be "Give Rares"?
It should be but its a PSU thing
When people say they're leaving on the boards you have to say:
"gib rarz"

EDIT:
I claim this page in the name of being offtopic and posting too much like I shouldn't be
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Old 2008-03-06, 13:53   Link #2042
Fuyu no Sora
Mistress of Impatience
 
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: In a place of extremes. From below freezing to above boiling.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Keroko View Post
To add to that, aside from her job as one of Kane's most trusted operatives, she also blasts canon inconsitencies. This may not seem to be as relevant in the fanfic thread, is it takes a more liberal view on things generally, but just to be on the safe side, I'd thought I'd warn you.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Keroko View Post
Also, I'm planning to refer to Keroko-kun OC as Kerokun, to avoid confusion like this.
A most wise decision

Quote:
Originally Posted by Keroko View Post
Generally. Keroko-chan day was just one example.
I see

Quote:
Originally Posted by Keroko View Post
I know. I try my best to be faster, but it doesn't always work.
I've tried that too (Missed a few page claims in Cadia thanks to my hastiness though, so plans backfire badly sometimes )

Quote:
Originally Posted by Keroko View Post
Unless you're waging war against NOD, Kane won't see a reason too. He'll leave it up to Keroko-tan to decide what to do.
I see

But why would I wage war against T3h Messiah?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Keroko View Post
As for Keroko-tan...
Keroko-tan: *sitting curled up in a corner, an aura of gloom surounding her while she's crying* Huuu~! Fuyu-chan forgot about meee!
[Vader] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!![/Vader]

Forgive me Keroko-tan, please (seeing a mini-version of anyone (so CUTE) crying just has me melting ) I was half asleep
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Old 2008-03-06, 14:25   Link #2043
Gillian
sitting on NxF bench
 
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: From where the pretzel comes
Age: 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sam the Onion View Post
I decided to rewrite these and currently unknown number of following scenarios, so today's are a bit later than normal.

Spoiler for Scenarios 32, 33 & 34:


Tomorrow, we'll have long explanation scenario of Selshin magics. (About 20% of the full content though. *selfpalms*)

Spoiler for Just in case:


Edit: Fate is Fate-chan to Hayate. Missed that one
Spoiler for review:


@Fuyu no Sora
you seem to have watched Fate Stay/Night

Last edited by Gillian; 2008-03-06 at 15:05.
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Old 2008-03-06, 15:08   Link #2044
Keroko
Adeptus Animus
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Age: 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
Name: Sisterly Bonding
genre: Yuri
Rating: MA
Length: 2,475 words
Pairing: Keroko/Nanoha

Send PM for the link to story if you are interested. This story is steamy but I think a did a vastly better job than I did on Love Ties.
Lazy copy-paste of PM comments :

Er... wow, that certainly turned out a lot more... steamy then I expected. I guess it's safe to say this isn't exactly animesuki safe?

To start, Keroko was done spot, impulsive and oblivious to her actions.

I can't really comment on the quallity of the lemon. I've read lemons before, I won't deny that, but I don't really know what makes a good or bad lemon. I liked it though.

The emotional part at the end was what really struck the bond between the two. The dual support is just how I imagined it: Keroko will always aim to protect Nanoha from harm, while Nanoha will always be there for the emotionaly unstable Keroko.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fuyu no Sora View Post
I see

But why would I wage war against T3h Messiah?
You don't. You follow him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fuyu no Sora View Post
[Vader] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!![/Vader]

Forgive me Keroko-tan, please (seeing a mini-version of anyone (so CUTE) crying just has me melting ) I was half asleep
I know, adorable, isn't it?

Keroko-tan:
Uuuuh~ *hic* So Fuyu-chan doesn't hate me?
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Old 2008-03-06, 15:50   Link #2045
Fuyu no Sora
Mistress of Impatience
 
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: In a place of extremes. From below freezing to above boiling.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gillian View Post
@Fuyu no Sora
you seem to have watched Fate Stay/Night
Who hasn't?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Keroko View Post
You don't. You follow him.
Of course I do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Keroko View Post
I know, adorable, isn't it?
Adorable and irresistible

Quote:
Originally Posted by Keroko View Post
Keroko-tan: Uuuuh~ *hic* So Fuyu-chan doesn't hate me?
Aww, of course not I love you You're so cute

Btw: Keroko-kun: Copy-pasta is always good !!!
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Last edited by Fuyu no Sora; 2008-03-06 at 17:36.
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Old 2008-03-06, 17:57   Link #2046
ghazghkull
The Dang-meister
 
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Age: 25
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That lemon...WAS HOT!!! Not too raunchy, but it wasn't lacking either in terms of content.

With that said, time to do a bit of an analysis.

Overall, presentation was good, however, some of your sentences are longer than needed, and some actions could have been better described, even if you had to take some words out.

Here's an example

Spoiler for before:

Spoiler for After:


As you can tell, I took your original phrase, did some trimming, and some rewording as to make it not too wordy, and it flowed a bit more. There are others here who are probably more proficient in English than I am, but this should give you an idea. A tip is that you maybe cycle your work between at least two of our closest friends, and have them comment on ways you could improve your work. Don't get them to actually do it for you though, just have them show your errors and tell them how to improve upon that.

If not, just look at it yourself after leaving a piece of writing for a day or two, and you'll probably wonder why you did this or that.

Spelling wasn't a big an issue, so I will not bother.

Grammar on the other hand still needs some work. You are not using your commas appropriately at certain points. There are a few run-ons and improper combining of independent clauses with fragments.

As you can tell, the major issue I had with this lemon was how you built your sentences to convey the special moment they had. It was good, but now that I look at it, there were some errors that would put off people who have taken, or are taking Post-Secondary college level English. I know that you're not in school and all, but this are things that I've noticed from reading this.

I hope that this helps you even further :3
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Old 2008-03-06, 18:20   Link #2047
mercurianangel
What to doodle next?
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Junkedcat View Post

*Camera pans up the bank revealing Fate standing atop. With a lawnmower on one side, hedge trimmer on the other she stands proud holding a weed eater like it was a scepter. With the wind blowing the long hair from her ponytail she declares her title.*

"I AM THE LAWN QUEEN!"
I'm sorry but....
Spoiler for I HAD TO:
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Old 2008-03-06, 18:21   Link #2048
ghazghkull
The Dang-meister
 
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Age: 25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mercurianangel View Post
I'm sorry but....
Spoiler for I HAD TO:
83

LOL NICE!!! XD

83
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Old 2008-03-06, 18:24   Link #2049
krisslanza
Sleep beneath the flowers
 
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Lording above all of humanity >;3
Age: 24
Oh what would we do without you merc?
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Old 2008-03-06, 18:32   Link #2050
TheShinySword
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mercurianangel View Post
I'm sorry but....
Spoiler for I HAD TO:
You didn't just make my day... you made my life.
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Old 2008-03-06, 19:01   Link #2051
Junkedcat
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Frosty Hill
Age: 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by mercurianangel View Post
I'm sorry but....
Spoiler for I HAD TO:
Took me about ten minuets but i think i can stop laughing and post a good job and thank you.

Thank you and you did another good job.

But if we take this...
Quote:
Originally Posted by AshLikeSnow View Post
Rofl. Omg this image gives me the giggles. For some reason I can imagine this scene playing on TV as part of a pesticide commercial lol.
and add Landscaper!Fate's personality we might get this...
Spoiler for Landscaper!Fate commercial:


Almost forgot the mandatory

Edit: the pic made a beeline strait to my screensaver folder.
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Last edited by Junkedcat; 2008-03-06 at 19:11.
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Old 2008-03-06, 19:17   Link #2052
Gillian
sitting on NxF bench
 
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: From where the pretzel comes
Age: 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by mercurianangel View Post
I'm sorry but....
Spoiler for I HAD TO:
lol
it's really worth a good laugh
thx mercurianangel
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Old 2008-03-06, 19:25   Link #2053
mercurianangel
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lol
You're welcome, and thank you guys XD

@Junkedcat
Sorry I forgot to ask permission before posting...I was giggling to hard to remember XD
But I'll ask now: May I post that picture with links to your ficlets on other places (lj/DA)? With credit of course~
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Old 2008-03-06, 19:42   Link #2054
Satashi
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Age: 31
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mercurianangel View Post
I'm sorry but....
Spoiler for I HAD TO:
If we have four dark gods, I think Angel should be made goddess of light.

Anyone know a name to give her based off the 4 dark gods?

@ghazghkull: Thanks! It seems a lot of people liked this one ( over 30 request! ) and I'm kind of getting used to it. My grammar mistakes are there because I don't proof my lemons like I do my normal stories.
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Old 2008-03-06, 19:44   Link #2055
ghazghkull
The Dang-meister
 
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
If we have four dark gods, I think Angel should be made goddess of light.

Anyone know a name to give her based off the 4 dark gods?

@ghazghkull: Thanks! It seems a lot of people liked this one ( over 30 request! ) and I'm kind of getting used to it. My grammar mistakes are there because I don't proof my lemons like I do my normal stories.
Well that's the thing, you should be doing it for all of them, otherwise the quality goes down by that much :3
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Old 2008-03-06, 19:49   Link #2056
Krinen
"Kirnen"
 
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: The bushes are comfy, thanks for asking.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ghazghkull View Post
Well that's the thing, you should be doing it for all of them, otherwise the quality goes down by that much :3
I do believe you have a point there, Ghazzy. Though I....

Where was I going with this? Anyway, to avoid further derailing, I can say I'm pleased with the updates to Landscaper!Fate, and SbtB, but I noticed someone mentioning a "Senpai!Vivio", and THAT grabs my attention.

Am I misdirected? Or Delusional?

If not, (Oh heavenly CreVo, let that be the case!) Link?
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Old 2008-03-06, 19:53   Link #2057
Satashi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ghazghkull View Post
Well that's the thing, you should be doing it for all of them, otherwise the quality goes down by that much :3
Random facts about Satashi, all are true:

1.) Satashi has passed one spelling test from grades K through second year in college.

2.)Satashi's grammar grade was failing, but passed because "Literature" was also part of English class. So the grade ended up to be passing.

3.)Satashi's English teacher didn't like Satashi.

I proof my stories and catch minor things, and also reword/edit a lot. But actual proofing comes in the form of Angel, who has taken it upon herself to go over my works despite being swamped with exams. Thanks Angel!

So I go over for quality of work, but not really for gramatical mistakes and such. Not because I'm lazy but because I honestly speak "proper" English worse than people who have English as a second or third language.

Was/were is a habit more than anything else.
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Old 2008-03-06, 19:59   Link #2058
Kha
~ I Do ~
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: In the XV-8A Spartan "00"
Age: 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Keroko View Post
To add to that, aside from her job as one of Kane's most trusted operatives, she also blasts canon inconsitencies. This may not seem to be as relevant in the fanfic thread, is it takes a more liberal view on things generally, but just to be on the safe side, I'd thought I'd warn you.

Also, I'm planning to refer to Keroko-kun OC as Kerokun, to avoid confusion like this.
Why not just use Uomo? I had Kai (the newest OC modelled on Kha that's not Kha the OC but the Kha from IRL) greeting him as that.
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Old 2008-03-06, 20:01   Link #2059
ghazghkull
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Age: 25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kha View Post
Why not just use Uomo? I had Kai (the newest OC modelled on Kha that's not Kha the OC but the Kha from IRL) greeting him as that.


That almost made no sense to me

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Old 2008-03-06, 20:07   Link #2060
Junkedcat
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Age: 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by mercurianangel View Post
@Junkedcat
Sorry I forgot to ask permission before posting...I was giggling to hard to remember XD
But I'll ask now: May I post that picture with links to your ficlets on other places (lj/DA)? With credit of course~
I will give you permission to post this picture and links on your LiveJournal and DeviantArt pages.

Edit: .... dang....
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