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Old 2008-04-13, 02:20   Link #1
Tamekichi
流離っている
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: California
Age: 24
Lightbulb Tamekichi's Work

Hey yo.

For now, all I have is this Fan fic I have been working on. I would like some critique on it, as I've had this story idea in mind, and just wrote it out as more things materialized. I tried my best to stick to canon Kyon narration, but it's really easy to deviate away from that, so give me some criticism.



Ich liebe dich



This is a Kyon x Yuki fan fiction story, written in the style of Kyon's narrative in the novels. Kyon finds that Yuki is slowly getting more human feelings due to the emotion of love affecting her. Kyon goes through various situations with this new emotion filled Nagato, as well as trying to deal with his everyday responsibilities with the SOS Brigade, as Haruhi arranges for activities like a movie outing and a sleep over at Yuki's. This is not an adult story, as I want to stay as close to the Canon style narrative as possible, but I do have a little fun writing it. Just can't help myself sometimes.

Gotten up to 57,019 words now, so settle in if your going to read it all.

Spoiler for Chapter 1: Diary:


Spoiler for Chapter 2: Ich liebe dich:


Spoiler for Chapter 3: Reverie:


Spoiler for Chapter 4: Sanctuary:


Spoiler for Chapter 5: Sand and Snow:


Spoiler for Chapter 6: Perpetua:


Spoiler for Chapter 7: Thoughtless:


Spoiler for Chapter 8: Patzen:


Spoiler for Chapter 9: World My Own:


Spoiler for Chapter 10: Uncia:


Spoiler for Chapter 11: Popscicles:

Last edited by Tamekichi; 2008-06-02 at 23:13.
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Old 2008-04-13, 14:01   Link #2
Shinbou
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Holland
Age: 22
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So you drew the signature your self or is it something else? cause it's really beautifull.
Also you're way of making story's looks very good, i had fun reading it. Most of the times i don't read novels and fan fics i mostly read manga but this made me wanna finish it.

I hope you continue and i'm looking forward to some nagato and kyon love! ^^
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Old 2008-04-13, 21:31   Link #3
Tamekichi
流離っている
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: California
Age: 24
Thanks Shinbou, I'm glad someone has read it, thank you for taking the time.

As for the signature, I did not draw it, I just took images from doujins and put them together.

I'm thinking part three should be up soon, so check back.
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Old 2008-04-14, 14:47   Link #4
OceanBlue
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Wow, I liked it. Nice job. I hope to see more of it. ^__^

One thing I noticed was this line:
Quote:
Oh why oh why did spend today lounging around?
Other than that [I had some issues with comma placements or lack of, but no one really cares.], I didn't have a problem with it.

You didn't explain what the fanfiction was about in the post, athough it was pretty obvious once you started reading it.
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Old 2008-04-14, 23:30   Link #5
Tamekichi
流離っている
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: California
Age: 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by OceanBlue View Post
Wow, I liked it. Nice job. I hope to see more of it. ^__^

Other than that [I had some issues with comma placements or lack of, but no one really cares.], I didn't have a problem with it.

You didn't explain what the fanfiction was about in the post, athough it was pretty obvious once you started reading it.
Yeah, I have a nack for either using long comma filled sentances or short sentances that should have commas, but don't. It's more my style of writing, a stream of conscienciousness thing. I get trouble for it all the time in Lit Class.

And yes, I didn't add a description, I should do that now. I guess I just forgot about it. Thanks for your comments OceanBlue, and thank you for reading.

Chapter 3 is in the final editing stage, and I've written Chapter 4 already, I just need to go over it a few times before it's ready. I should have an update tomorrow after school.

Last edited by Tamekichi; 2008-04-15 at 09:00.
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Old 2008-04-15, 16:20   Link #6
Tamekichi
流離っている
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: California
Age: 24
Chapter 3 is finished.

Spoiler for Chapter 3: Reverie:


Comments would be appreciated, as always. Thank you for reading.
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Old 2008-04-15, 23:35   Link #7
Specular
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Awesome work, you really get Kyon's inner voice. I particularly like the ways of expression chosen by Nagato.

I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter. Please continue.
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Old 2008-04-16, 03:37   Link #8
Shinbou
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Wonderfull story i really enoyed it =D. The expressions come out good in you're story and it gives away a feeling that you get really caught up in the text.

Very good, can't wait for chapter 4
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Old 2008-04-17, 08:10   Link #9
Tamekichi
流離っている
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: California
Age: 24
Thank you for reading, and for you're comments. I will update with Ch 4 today in the afternoon sometime.
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Old 2008-04-17, 19:01   Link #10
OceanBlue
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Nice job with ch. 3. ^__^

It does get to feel that you get caught up in the text, especially when some of your sentences start to get shorter and the others get longer.
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Old 2008-04-18, 00:09   Link #11
Tamekichi
流離っている
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: California
Age: 24
Thank you OceanBlue. Some of the sentances in Chapter 3 are sparse on purpose to convey a feeling on anxiety. Maybe I'm not doing that well enough. :|

Spoiler for Chapter 4: Sanctuary:


On another note, I will be gone for the weekend, so I am sorry to say, do not expect any updates on Chapter 5 soon. I don't know if I'll be able to get to a computer, but I'll try my best. Thanks to anyone and everyone who is reading.
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Old 2008-04-18, 00:30   Link #12
Specular
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Thanks a lot for the new chapter. Take your time.
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Old 2008-04-18, 06:45   Link #13
Shinbou
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Nice chapter again =)
Altought it was a bit confusing...
Good luck on what ever you're going to do in the weekend!
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Old 2008-04-22, 23:45   Link #14
Tamekichi
流離っている
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: California
Age: 24
Update: Chapter 5 is in the works. I've written most of it out, so it's in raw. I'll hopefully have it done within the next 2-3 days, if school permits.
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Old 2008-04-23, 04:04   Link #15
Shinbou
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Ok take you're time =) altought im not that good in waiting =P haha jk
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Old 2008-04-25, 16:19   Link #16
Tamekichi
流離っている
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: California
Age: 24
Chapter 5 is finished, sorry it took a little while.

Spoiler for Chapter 5: Sand and Snow:


Thanks for reading.
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Old 2008-04-27, 23:48   Link #17
Tamekichi
流離っている
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: California
Age: 24
Update. Yeah.
Spoiler for Chapter 6: Perpetua:

Thanks for reading. If you are. Otherwise you can't see what I'm writing.
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Old 2008-04-28, 21:46   Link #18
Specular
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Nice!. i disappear for a while and i find 2 more chapters. Thank you very much.
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Old 2008-04-28, 23:40   Link #19
Specular
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Excellent twist of plot!!
i really like it, keep your own pace, this is truly good.
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Old 2008-05-02, 08:33   Link #20
Tamekichi
流離っている
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: California
Age: 24
Thank you Specular. I'm glad you took the time to read.

Chapter 7 is coming along, it's the longest one so far. I hope to have it done by the end of the weekend, maybe sooner.
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