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Old 2008-06-15, 08:58   Link #41
Mystique
Honyaku no Hime
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the eastern capital of the islands of the rising suns...
Finally taken some time to sit and read the stuff here, I can only offer opinions for original fiction mainly. Fan fiction typically needs the reference and poetry it subject to interpreation, but i may comment a few if it strikes a chord with me.
Anyways, first off...
Spoiler for Sol Badguy:

Next being Usuratonkachi's "Last Kiss" story (I've only read your first post, dunno if you've re posted after that...)
Spoiler for last kiss:

Next one i glanced at was black monster's story.
Spoiler for black monster:

Quote:
Originally Posted by shelter View Post
I can infer with the title "Water Solidified", but the link is not too strong.

For one, I think your story's close to effortless. It's got everything from perspective to detail; I think the only thing that's lacking is the lil mirror's character. But, then again, judging from all those cartoons like "Brave Little Toaster" etc etc where inanimate things someone start speaking & having emotions, perhaps leaving your mirror as a something solely defined by its description isn't a bad thing after all
Me and titles are at a never ending war with each other, lol.
Titles rarely come to me while i write and i hadn't (still haven't) finished that story, so it'd probably just be called 'The Lil Mirror' for simplicity's sake since the tone is alike a child's story.
I think that came to me in terms of water (like a lake or pond) is the only other way we humans can see our reflection clearly, or a natural feature that "reflects" other things.
And glass is "solid" so go figure
Water solidifed = A Mirror

It is just a snippet, i'll try to getting to posting more in the 'dead poet's society' thread later on, but glad you liked
EDIT:
(read a few more so since DP is frowned upon, spoilered each comment for length's sake and have carried on)

Checking out Spectacular_Insanity's "The Mystic Emblem"
Spoiler for The Mystic Emblem:

Usuratonkachi...
The girl entering the bar story?
More. Now. Please
Spoiler for Usuratonkachi's prologue:
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Last edited by Mystique; 2008-06-15 at 16:28.
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Old 2008-06-15, 16:05   Link #42
Spectacular_Insanity
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@ Mystique: Thank you very much for taking the time to read my story, and I do feel that some passages were awkward. I'll work on it and see if I can't get it to read a bit smoother, then. Your input is greatly appreciated.
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Old 2008-06-18, 13:10   Link #43
Usuratonkachi
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@ Mystique:

Hey! Thanks for your feedback!
I finally have time for a little breather to reply. I noticed your post a few days ago, but I was neck high in exam stress. Still am, but oh well.

In regards to the Saigo no Kiss snippet. Yeah, I kind of took a bunch of everyday oberservations at school, put it into words and stuck it in. I went to an international school in Switzerland, so I don't know how it is in America, but as you said, stereotypes exist everywhere.
And yes, that snippet was taken from the beginning of the story. It's actually not very long, since Animax had a limit of about 40 pages, if I remember correctly. But it's the only story that I've written to completion, so I'm pretty happy with it.

Then wow, really, thanks for taking the time to read and leave a comment! You absolutely made my day! ^_^

The girl entering the bar story (I know, I must think up of a title soon). "LOL" was my first reaction to your "More. Now. Please" It made my day even better, if that were possible.
Oh, yes, yes, yes! Another person who enjoyed reading this genre! I only got into a few months back, when I half-heartedly picked up a random book at the airport. It ended up being "Shadow Dance" by Julie Garwood and kept me up all night just reading, reading, reading. ^_^
Heh, first thing on my to-do list now after finishing exams is to go buy a Sandra Brown book. If you say it's good, then it's a must read for me!! hehe

As for the story. I'd love to feed you what I have so far, but after the prologue, the plot becomes a little wonky, since I'm still not decided on what I want to write about. Obviously, Tomoe and (the wonderful) Xavier, but plot-wise...If that's okay with you, I'd be happy to have anyone and everyone read it. ^.^

And once again, thank you and thank you for your kind words!
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Old 2008-06-19, 09:32   Link #44
whitepearl
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Usuratonkachi View Post
As for the story. I'd love to feed you what I have so far, but after the prologue, the plot becomes a little wonky, since I'm still not decided on what I want to write about. Obviously, Tomoe and (the wonderful) Xavier, but plot-wise...If that's okay with you, I'd be happy to have anyone and everyone read it. ^.^
Same problem here...I was on a roll when I was writing mine but I started to think about the finer details of it last night and realized I had to change things.
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Old 2008-06-19, 12:02   Link #45
shelter
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One Manga Poetry Contest (OMPC) #2

The forums on Manga scan site OneManga.com are organising a Poetry Contest for the next 2 weeks. The theme of this contest is "Song". Basically, you're supposed to listen to a song & then come up with a poem on it.

Full details can be found here. There's a procedure for submission, so my advice is read carefully

The contest closes on 2nd July, 2008.

The theme might be a bit simplistic, but I'm posting this information up here should any of you be interested in joining. Definitely since this thread started I've seen some good writing. And a contest (no matter how small it is) is always a good avenue for budding writers to see where they stand relative to fellow writers with similar interests/ skill levels.

Maybe soon we can organise one of these here on Animesuki
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Old 2008-06-20, 17:43   Link #46
Kyuuketsuki42221
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i have one that i wrote at 4:00 A.M. on a night where i couldn't get to sleep. i was thinking of a friend of mine who is going through a hard time in his life,

this poem sums up his entire life.
warning though, my poems never have verse or rhyme, and are usually very short.
Here it is.
--
Aspirations

Look up at the sky ant try to reach it.
-they must think it looks like a dome, don't they?
No matter how much you reach or how high you go you'll never touch it.
-but people keep reaching upwards, so much so that the sky disappears, don't they?
But the sky is just made of air.
-so they touched it even before they started to reach, didn't they?
--
not very good is it, it has a very blunt meaning right on the surface, but a deeper meaning is in there somewhere. i guess you truely have to know my friend to understand it.

Last edited by Kyuuketsuki42221; 2008-06-20 at 19:41.
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Old 2008-07-11, 04:16   Link #47
shelter
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@Kyuuketsuki42221:
Just because it's abstract doesn't mean its "very blunt". I think it quietly speaks a lot about viewpoint & feeling. Like a sudden epiphany.

To prevent this thread from fading out & hopefully to encourage others to post, here's some stuff that I wrote recently. I'm trying to indulge the romantic in me
Spoiler for Run with Me:


Nothing much to say. The meaning & purpose is obvious enough.
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Old 2008-07-15, 08:56   Link #48
Mystique
Honyaku no Hime
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the eastern capital of the islands of the rising suns...
Hiya, I’m back, going through page 2 of the fiction written in here. Had to take some time off from sitting down to read (most of my reading is happening on actual books, I gotta confess) – so while things are slow on Asuki over the summer and I’m not tempted by any other threads, thought to jump back on the bandwagon to continue with the reviews

Spoiler for Qwazar’s jasmine:

Next one I checked out was whitepearl’s couple of chapters.
Spoiler for whitepearl:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Spectacular_Insanity View Post
@ Mystique: Thank you very much for taking the time to read my story, and I do feel that some passages were awkward. I'll work on it and see if I can't get it to read a bit smoother, then. Your input is greatly appreciated.
No problem, keep with the writing!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Usuratonkachi View Post
@ Mystique:

Hey! Thanks for your feedback!
Then wow, really, thanks for taking the time to read and leave a comment! You absolutely made my day! ^_^

The girl entering the bar story (I know, I must think up of a title soon). "LOL" was my first reaction to your "More. Now. Please" It made my day even better, if that were possible.
Oh, yes, yes, yes! Another person who enjoyed reading this genre! I only got into a few months back, when I half-heartedly picked up a random book at the airport. It ended up being "Shadow Dance" by Julie Garwood and kept me up all night just reading, reading, reading. ^_^
Heh, first thing on my to-do list now after finishing exams is to go buy a Sandra Brown book. If you say it's good, then it's a must read for me!! Hehe
*coughplugcough*
Library!!!!
Sign up, visit your local library, see if they have copies of her (they should do, she’s hit the NY Times list as #1 multiple times over her 25+ year old career)
And rather, thank you for posting stuff, all the stories do is to feed a little bookworm like me, the least I can do is to read and comment for the effort of writing that you guys put in. I know the hardest thing is to re start a story you’ve left mid way, but get past the hurdle, all being well the scene and characters will re visit you and you can get back into the flow of things


Anyways, seems that’s all we got for original fiction, it’s been quiet here for a spell. Since most of you are on summer hols now and may have more time than usual, how about dusting off your virtual quill and ink bottle and penning a few more pages of fun? ^^
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Old 2008-07-15, 23:06   Link #49
Daughter!
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Spoiler:


Certainly in need of improvement.
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Old 2008-07-16, 10:52   Link #50
shelter
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@Pop-Punk Sucks:

Personally I think it's very well-written, eloquent & certainly with a tense mood appropriate for the title. But I can't get any concrete meaning on the term "Ictus Cell". As far as I know it's something vaguely scientific. This portion of the title & the other scientific terms make the entire poem too abstract, so it's actually a bit difficult to give comments on where improvements can be made, other than in terms of language & diction.

And, again, in terms of personal preference, I thought this 3rd stanza could've been tweaked ever so slightly, mainly the "reddened night" part. It is easy to visualize & a good image really, but somehow I felt the concept of defining colour doesn't fit into this poem, which descriptive tones are rather neutral.

Still, my favourite stanza:
Spoiler for Best stanza/ diction:

Appreciate the post
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Old 2008-07-18, 11:29   Link #51
whitepearl
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mystique View Post
Next one I checked out was whitepearl’s couple of chapters.


First question to you: why did you censor it? (just checking if it was your own personal reason or cause of some rule on Asuki here)
Just personal reasons...I was trying to be considerate

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mystique View Post
But wow, I don’t like hayden xD
As in I don’t like his character; he’s someone if I crossed paths with, I’d roll my eyes at them and turn away (that’s probably cause I’m not a fan of foul language in casual speech when there’s no emotional purpose for it)
Doesn’t help to portray your IQ level past double digits either imo, so it’s probably my own personal opinion at work, but without setting a scene that they were in the classroom (for starters), or without any inclusion of some of the characters mental thoughts like for example let’s take hannah:
I know behind that macho, foul mouthed jerk front he puts up, he’s decent. I mean why else would I really be friends with him… right?
It’s just open scene, bam! Straight into dialogue which is sarcastic, friendly (I’m presuming) banter between good mates – kinda feels like we’ve stepped into something personal between two people without having been introduced as to where they are or who they are a little. In real life, we’d probably feel a little lost in terms of thinking ‘what’s going on here, what’s the topic about, I kinda feel left out a little’
True, I perhaps should've put something more introductory but this was all originally conceived on a whim, sorta like at the snap of a finger kinda thing, so everything was just written down. I was going to figure out their history a little later.

But at the start of brainstorming, I had intended Hayden to be the "jerk" character that most people find unsettling, with the exception of Heather (not Hannah) and Jocelyn.

It's not evident from the excerpt posted but he is meant to be a conflicted sort of character. Jocelyn and Heather, too. Their conflicts were meant to be explained later on.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mystique View Post
I kinda get the same sensation here, I had to put pieces together real fast to figure who’s saying what, why they may think that way, establish their character in my head. I guess if this was a script, I could tune into it a different way, but at the moment, I’m approaching it as a piece of fiction.
Hayden, Hannah and Jocelyn are obviously real friendly with each other, so introduce us to them a little first, (tho we get more info on Joyce later on) if we’re privy to that much dialogue between them, especially with all the swearing that’s going on there from Hayden.

Also on advice for dialogue, grab a random novel (a chick lit book will do) and analyse the dialogue structure. Very often you’ll see sentences ending as ‘said jenny.’ ‘answered Pete’ ‘Phillip inquired’ ‘whispered Alicia’
The verbs help the reader to imagine the pitch, tone and volume of what’s being said thus bringing more life to the words on the page
It’s funny, when I write ‘said’ ‘said’ ‘said’, I feel kinda stupid, but then when I read and take 2 secs to analyse the page, I notice that almost all dialogue lines will end in some kinda verb+person, but I don’t even notice when reading. The main use for speech only sentences like those in your story may be when the convo is fast paced or something.

Kelly tilted her head towards Jack replying, “okay…. Negotiation time. 100 quid.”
“40 quid only, I told you.”
“100 quid.”
“Didn’t you just hear-”
“Fine! 80.”
“40.”
“80!!”
“Okay, 50.”
“70.”
“55.”
“60.”
“Deal.”
Kelly smiled her appreciation.

Is a random example I just tossed up there.
Yeah, I know what you're saying about how it sometimes feels stupid to write "said" over and over which was why I didn't do so in the first place. I have spent some time mulling over what I have written and thought that the dialogue could use some work, moreso in the mechanics (if that is an appropriate term?) of how it's spoken instead of what was spoken.

Oh by the way, the simile for the description of her breasts in relation to grades?
Nice, real nice, got an approving smirk from me there.

PS: Even if the next scene between Joyce and Hayden is obvious (or is it?), why did you stop there?


The first chapter is insanely long and I didn't want to bore anyone with a verbose amount of text.

But I do appreciate your reading of what I had written and for your honest and frank feedback. Some of my other friends just tell me "it's good" without giving me much in terms of what I could improve. I guess they don't want to say anything negative since we are friends so it's good to get feedback from someone I don't know—the feedback and commentary will be more unbiased.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mystique View Post
No problem, keep with the writing!

Anyways, seems that’s all we got for original fiction, it’s been quiet here for a spell. Since most of you are on summer hols now and may have more time than usual, how about dusting off your virtual quill and ink bottle and penning a few more pages of fun? ^^
I'll try but I have to get back into the whole routine of things. I was away for a few weeks and had no access to my work. I did spend some nights trying to brainstorm but I had no means of writing anything down.

edit: there was some introductory stuff in the first paragraph that I threw in as a sidebar, but I can't recall if I ever included that in the excerpt I posted here. I can send you the full first chapter to you if you want.
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Last edited by whitepearl; 2008-07-18 at 11:39.
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Old 2008-07-18, 12:39   Link #52
Mystique
Honyaku no Hime
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Location: In the eastern capital of the islands of the rising suns...
Quote:
Originally Posted by whitepearl View Post

But at the start of brainstorming, I had intended Hayden to be the "jerk" character that most people find unsettling, with the exception of Heather (not Hannah) and Jocelyn.

i'll go crawl in my hole after reading this, sorry about that ><;;;;;;
Quote:
It's not evident from the excerpt posted but he is meant to be a conflicted sort of character. Jocelyn and Heather, too. Their conflicts were meant to be explained later on.
Ah, so what you posted wasn't the entire thing anyways, i see....
Quote:
Yeah, I know what you're saying about how it sometimes feels stupid to write "said" over and over which was why I didn't do so in the first place. I have spent some time mulling over what I have written and thought that the dialogue could use some work, moreso in the mechanics (if that is an appropriate term?) of how it's spoken instead of what was spoken.
cool, do so, consider it kinda decipline practice to write as many spoken verb as possible for each character of situation. You find in time, that you may be able to write in different styles that won't even require a verb+subject structure and it still reads well

Quote:
PS: Even if the next scene between Joyce and Hayden is obvious (or is it?), why did you stop there?
Quote:
The first chapter is insanely long and I didn't want to bore anyone with a verbose amount of text.
but but but... I like verbose amount of text, you obviously haven't been paying attention to when me and ledgem start replying on each other's posts in debates huh... *cough* (prob a good thing) >.>

To be blunt tho, you cannot set up scene like that and drop it, that's like being a tease and not putting out, lol.
We bookworms are a vicious lot esp if the going has gotten good
Quote:
But I do appreciate your reading of what I had written and for your honest and frank feedback. Some of my other friends just tell me "it's good" without giving me much in terms of what I could improve. I guess they don't want to say anything negative since we are friends so it's good to get feedback from someone I don't know—the feedback and commentary will be more unbiased.
No probs, that's what we all here for. I'll give as much contructive criticism as possible, you guys have the choice to call me a bitch, cry, ignore or accept and work harder on your stories.
But don't forget, I am but only one person with a view, so it's not the be all or end all
And you must have nice friends, mine are more than happy to tear my stories apart and say its crap and doesn't make sense (when it makes perfect sense in my head, but them knowing me, they have a point....), in which i'll throw a tantrum, have my drama queen moment then listen and improve it somewhat, lol.
Quote:
I'll try but I have to get back into the whole routine of things. I was away for a few weeks and had no access to my work. I did spend some nights trying to brainstorm but I had no means of writing anything down.

edit: there was some introductory stuff in the first paragraph that I threw in as a sidebar, but I can't recall if I ever included that in the excerpt I posted here. I can send you the full first chapter to you if you want.
Sure, it may make things clearer for me, since it was a lot of work to piece things together with what i had, if there's more that was meant to fill in the holes, all the more reason to send. You can post it here, spoilers hide length so it should be okay, others may enjoy reading it too ^^
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Old 2008-07-18, 13:53   Link #53
Arceon
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I really have no idea, I've been roleplaying a lot for the last three years so my writing style borrows from a lot of people, it can be quite chaotic at times. And only when I feel like it, which means I don't write often but I get comments saying my stories are sometimes. . .different. This is just a rewrite of one of my older ones.

Spoiler:
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Old 2008-07-18, 17:53   Link #54
Nervous Venus
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Age: 29
Arceon,
the only qualms I have about your story is the way it starts. I'm not looking for a hook/line/and sinker type of line or anything, but " I ran" just doesn't cut it for me. Good thing I kept reading though because the rest of it is pretty good. I do wish you could flesh out the chapter more, but that's just me being greedy.

Post some more whenever you've updated. I'm interested in reading
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Old 2008-07-21, 22:11   Link #55
Usuratonkachi
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@ Arceon:
On the contrary, I think that "I ran" is a rather good hooker. It's short, it contains a lot of possible emotions and it evokes questions.


@Mystique:
Meh, we don't have local libraries that offer English novels around here...I live in remote Switzerland...¬.¬ So I usually just buy the books. ^^;

Hum, well, I don't have anything new that's readable as a stand-alone...so I thought I'd upload the next little tidbit of that girl entering the bar story. Timeline is wonky, it pretty goes back in the past when compared with the bar sequence...hope you'll be able to understand it.

By all means, this is definitely no final draft, so I'll probably keep changing words/numbers/details and whatnot. I'm just not too satisfied with this chapter...it seems to be too superficial in a sense. But I'll wait and see if any of you have opinions on it.


Spoiler for No Title Yet!:
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Old 2008-07-21, 23:06   Link #56
Claude_Desravines
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Hm, only my second post. I'm exceptionally secretive and insecure about my writing, so I'm surprised I'm even going to share. This was a part of a short story assignment for some class, and it seemed to totally polarize my classmates; some were offended, others loved it. I've edited it slightly for this post--replacing a couple of f-bombs with ****. I think I caught them all, so...I swear like no one's business...if anything needs redacting, let me know. I'd rather not rock the boat so soon after joining.


Between Pathetic and Charming

You look at me from across the table, your hesitant, smoky grin flashing along the rim of a glass filled with a wine whose name you mispronounced only minutes earlier. Your face flushes with the same burgundy wash that falls in drops onto the white linen tablecloth, and I can't help but smile.

You are at once wide-eyed and self-conscious, but stare at your surroundings with an assuredness that comes from apathy; you say you'll never meet any of these people again, so, you muse, what does it matter what they think? Yours isn't a blatant kind of rudeness, simply a naivete you could never let go of. I warn that that makes you vulnerable, but you shrug it off, saying vulnerability is nothing shameful.

Admittedly, I am bored. Any attempt to elicit an opinion or conviction from you is met with the same blase relativism, the kind no one can effectively argue against without becoming infuriated. At some point you melt away into the art nouveau ambiance, into the rest of the bistro, your voice simply a note in the greater movement of the scene.

But you tap my leg with your foot, and make silly, out of place faces, and it's then I realize that you're not wearing Abercrombie and Fitch; that your hair isn't cropped up into that ubiquitous faux-hawk, bleached at the tips, hair shining like the goddamned lighthouse of Alexandria. Your relativistic attitude makes sense to you, because what meaning or sense the world has belongs to you.

We're surrounded by so many people, but I feel a kind of isolation; all around us is black, the only light reflected in the dinnerware and glasses. In time with your foot against my leg, I realize how ridiculous it all is; that we've tried to follow a meaningless route to each other, that we play a game of no rules by some arbitrary, irrelevant standards. The bill is coldly plopped onto the table, and I notice we both roll our eyes.

We're thinking the same thing, apparently, because I can feel my lips move in the same devilish direction as yours. I offer a strategy, and you augment it with whatever strategems you've devised throughout your own travels. We agree silently, a yes replaced with a knowing wink, and a "ready-steady-go" with the adagio movements of our arms.

You say that the food wasn't so good, and I concur, adding that our bill shouldn't put too big of a dent in the waiter's pay. Satisfied, justified, we exit arm-in-arm, and like Lot, fight the urge to look backwards.

The street is bathed in the orange light of the city coated in fog, the brick sidewalks shining in the chance silence of 11pm. I ask you where we're walking. You ask why I need a plan. I don't reply, opting simply to follow you. You playfully try to match your footsteps with mine, knowing how that irks me; and for that you get a slap on the arm and a string of epithets ending in "bastard." You laugh inaudibly, your breath's evaporating wisps the only indication of your voice.

The air is calm. Nothing seems appropriate to say. Your coat seems heavy, and I want you to take it off. I don't say this, because I don't like to share my desires, but you reach out and place your cold hand on the back of my neck, and I forget what I had only seconds earlier wanted.

That moment arrives, where I'm stuck between not wanting to feel lonely for the night, but not wanting the attachment that people wake up with in my bed, next to me, the next morning. You say you'd kiss me goodnight, but you'd rather spend the night. I feel sick to my stomach at this, fearing that four letter word that's seemingly been at the crest of your lips all night.

Love. Ridiculous. Love is what people call the resolution between the primal instinct to reproduce, and the socially enforced notion of shame attached to that instinct. I invite him in nonetheless, because anything's better than loneliness.

He seats himself on the couch, trying to conceal his laughter at my attempts to be a good host. The cup of coffee I offered, shakes with my hand as I extend it to the table in front of him. Turning away, I don't notice his arm whip out with cobra-like precision and grasp my wrist. I pivot back to face him, a slight scowl already taking shape across my face.

He says simply that he wants to f***. I sigh in relief. He says he doesn't believe in love, and I smile in agreement. We f***.

When I wake up, I catch myself thinking, trying to make a choice. My neighbors upstairs are playing a sonata on their piano while the pre-dawn shades of violet and grey pour in through my window. He's asleep next to me.

I want him to leave and never come back. I want all of that for myself. The dinner, the pretentious bistro, the fog and light, the cold hand on my neck, the sound of the ceramic coffee mug against the glass table, the light through the window and the distant music--I want it all for myself.

He smiles gently as he gets dressed, and without a word, slips out the front door. I watch from my window as he fades into those ephemeral frames of morning. Closing the blinds, I can still smell him, and I smile.
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Old 2008-07-23, 09:55   Link #57
shelter
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@ Claude_Desravines:

When you began the first 2 paragraphs with the "you" I thought you were writing in 2nd Person, but after reading it the 1st person became much, much stronger to distinguish.

Telling you plainly "it's good" might be a front for having nothing to say, so I'll just say what I noticed & liked. The grammar, tenses, spelling & diction are close to perfect. The pacing of the story is very well graded - at no point do I feel I'm been rushed through an experience or emotion. I liked your narrator's attitude: touchy yet observant, opinionated yet sensitive.

A particular paragraph caught my eye:

Spoiler for Paragraph:


I'm normally a bit apprehensive inserting definitions from out of nowhere into the narrative...But I felt that, I suppose, it does suit your character somewhat. But it's unclear. You might want the character himself to insert in his own commentary on love (E.g "Love is..." or "love, personally, is really just...").

Then, just after that particular paragraph, you seem to have switched to 3rd person, with the "him" bit. I think it's not so much a sudden switch as it is a separate section? Nonetheless, it did make the ending a bit uncertain.

Thanks for posting. Hope I didn't say too much
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Old 2008-07-23, 10:18   Link #58
Spectacular_Insanity
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shelter View Post
I'm normally a bit apprehensive inserting definitions from out of nowhere into the narrative...But I felt that, I suppose, it does suit your character somewhat. But it's unclear. You might want the character himself to insert in his own commentary on love (E.g "Love is..." or "love, personally, is really just...").
I disagree with this. We KNOW it's coming from him, so it's obviously his opinion. Adding extraneous indication of such is just filler. If a character inserts his own definition of a thing, the reader can agree or disagree, but in the end it's about the character, not the opinion of the person reading the passage. If that's what the character thinks, it is part of their personality and shapes who they are and the impressions one gets from that character.

I am so tired of typing the word "character" now.
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Old 2008-07-24, 13:18   Link #59
Nervous Venus
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I agree with spectacular.

Spoiler for Claude:

Last edited by Nervous Venus; 2008-07-24 at 13:36.
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Old 2008-07-24, 14:30   Link #60
Claude_Desravines
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: 42N 71W or so
Yeah, plopped probably wasn't the best choice of words, but as you mention yellow fin tuna, I think that while semantically questionable, a plopped bill may connote a kind of innocent disregard. The fisherman who sells his tuna at market doesn't handle it as if it were some kind of treasure; it's a dead fish, and that dead fish equals money.

I'm not trying to be argumentative at all--I had not even considered how that particular line might not exactly work. At the same time though, it makes me think if there is some meaning behind it, even if a rigid plastic rectangle can't plop in a physical sense...crap, I just totally lost my train of thought. Long story short, I was trying to convey even when surrounded by others, we are all desperately alone because we can never know the mind of anyone but our own. So the bill was, at least as I intended it, an assertion of that loneliness where it has one out over the drive, however hopeless, to prove ourselves not to be the only conscience in existence.

Long winded. Sorry. I very much appreciate your thoughts, you can tell because I still haven't stopped typing. You've got a good eye and mind for words, I used to as well, but I went too far and became nothing but a pedant. Hehe. Do you write much yourself, Venus?
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