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Old 2008-09-01, 13:25   Link #21
Hari Michiru
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Yay! I'm finally done the first chapter of my story.

Enjoy.

Unnamed Story: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4513007/1/Unnamed_Story
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Old 2008-09-01, 20:53   Link #22
monir
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Langus View Post
That is weird...

Speaking of which, I have another I forgot to add. This is my only complete, full length work of Bleach fan fiction. It's a look at Gin and Matsumoto's relationship and my prediction of how things will turn out between them when all is said and done.

I'm rather proud of it so if you've got the time please give it a read and give me some feedback

"Secrets of an Unworthy Heart" http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3362719/...Unworthy_Heart

Thanks guys!
You, my good man, have a nag for visualization. I've just finished "A Lost Soul is Found" and I can tell you that I'll finish this story. I've read it twice. First time was just to take it all in and the 2nd time with a bit more critical eye. Add a "d" to have the 2nd sentence read like "in and out" from the fourth paragraph, and you will have me off your back. I also think your story will flow much much better if you don't rely on longer sentences. I'm in the belief system where it emphasizes that a good writer doesn't need to worry about sentence structure such as run-on sentence or sentence fragment and all the other pish-posh. your story, your rule. Proper grammar can take a backseat as long as one has the basic covered. I guess I'm giving myself as a Hemingway fan.

Very good read so far! Matsumoto and Gin are a match made of win.
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Old 2008-09-02, 00:51   Link #23
Langus
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Thank you so much. The critiques are much appreciated I'm a stickler for fixing typos so I'll have to go back and nab that one tonight. If you notice any others please let me know. I'm a Hemingway lover as well but I've been trying to stray from the extra long sentences as of late. I'll have to go back over those old chapters and see if I can't fix them up a bit. Thanks again for taking the time to read it *thumbs way up*

P.S: Matsumoto and Gin are most definitely pure win
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Old 2008-09-03, 06:20   Link #24
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Originally Posted by Amirali View Post
Hiasgo, those stories require a fan-fiction account to view. Have you got privacy settings on them?
works fine for me...
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Old 2008-09-05, 17:55   Link #25
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Yeah, I fixed the links.

There's also my current work in progress, Somnus, which is, not surprisingly, also Hanatarou-centric...
It's rather dark and sad but I've been trying my best to make it just angsty enough that it doesn't become annoying.
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Old 2008-09-05, 20:20   Link #26
Langus
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hari Michiru View Post
Yay! I'm finally done the first chapter of my story.

Enjoy.

Unnamed Story: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4513007/1/Unnamed_Story
I finally got time tonight to give this a read. You have presented an interesting perspective on Rukia's character. I didn't expect some of what you put in there but it certainly brings new light to her character and her desire to emotionally detach herself from others. There were a few grammar slips but apart from that I thought it was well written. You should definitely continue with chapter two
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Old 2008-09-05, 20:24   Link #27
Langus
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hisago View Post
Yeah, I fixed the links.

There's also my current work in progress, Somnus, which is, not surprisingly, also Hanatarou-centric...
It's rather dark and sad but I've been trying my best to make it just angsty enough that it doesn't become annoying.
"The wind was fierce at such an altitude. It clawed at their loose robes like something alive and malicious." I love this line - great visual imagery there. I like the fact that you decided to give the underdog some time in the spotlight. I'm all for bringing exposure to underrated characters I only had time to read chapter one so far, but I will make a point to read the rest. And no worries, it isn't angsty to the point of annoying - just a good balance.
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Old 2008-09-05, 21:12   Link #28
Hari Michiru
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Originally Posted by Langus View Post
I finally got time tonight to give this a read. You have presented an interesting perspective on Rukia's character. I didn't expect some of what you put in there but it certainly brings new light to her character and her desire to emotionally detach herself from others. There were a few grammar slips but apart from that I thought it was well written. You should definitely continue with chapter two
Thanks for the review, Langus. My grammar was really really bad, I've realized, especially when you write stuff in the middle of the night, and my beta nearly slaughtered me when she found out that I had entered it without her permission ^^. Chapter two should be out next week, if I meet my deadline.

I've always pictured Rukia to be a person who doesn't indulge on relationships (romantic or not). Plus, it's interesting to see her evolve from that angle.
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Old 2008-09-11, 03:52   Link #29
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Originally Posted by Langus View Post
I love the idea of this thread!

I'd like to pass on the link of a fic I'm currently beta-ing. I think it's pretty spectacular so if you're into Westerns I urge you to check it out. It's essentially Ichigo/Rukia with Renji thrown in the mix. If you do give it a read please leave the gal a review!

\
And while I'm at it, a little shameless self promotion...

First, an Ichigo/Orihime one-shot called "Shaken". It takes place during the big showdown with Aizen. A few of you may have read this one before if you perused the Orihime vs Rukia forum.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4188112/1/Shaken
fic but it's a little saucy and much to graphic to post on this child friendly forum
I loved it! I would be lying if I didn't enjoy her dying...I did

I really liked it because it was done in a way that was left open to reader interpretation. IchiStalker or not. I actually think it's romantic either way. For him to kiss the lips of his *grits teeth* loved one or to grant the dying wish of the one he loved NOT AT ALL. It was beautiful! I look forward to reading more.

(Can someone give him cookie and say "for OD" because I can't) <--THANKS


Sorry Anata; I do have a reputation to protect

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Old 2008-09-18, 06:01   Link #30
sunchips18
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I would like to make 1 where everyone was in a tounament. in the end they find out it was a scam to drain everyones life energy from inside the tournament dome. they then have to team up to have a big battle with the espada and then some bigger enemy. who is the bigger enemy? you'lll find out soon.
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Old 2008-09-18, 16:42   Link #31
Ilija
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Interesting thread you've got here, I'd like to recommend a Bleach fanfic to all of you. It's hilarious, definitely my favourite bleach fanfic and I've been reading for at least 2 years.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3505858/1/Uninvited_Guests
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Old 2008-09-18, 18:47   Link #32
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I vouch for Hiraishin's description. It's a terrific story for those who adore hitsu's style and those who love laughing at the little brat. I never thought a story could simulatenously make him look a wimp and a dangerous bad-ass. Now, if only the fillers would animate it...

Last edited by Amirali; 2008-09-19 at 02:31.
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Old 2008-10-09, 12:56   Link #33
Langus
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Okay... so I wrote another Winter War one - this time Urahara and Yoruichi. It's short so if you give it a read let me know what you think. It's called "Fated."

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4584523/1/Fated
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Old 2008-10-25, 11:58   Link #34
Utsukushii Hono'o
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Decided to try it...

Spoiler for "Mine":
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Old 2008-10-25, 13:03   Link #35
Hari Michiru
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Originally Posted by Utsukushii Hono'o View Post
Decided to try it...

Spoiler for "Mine":
Um. O_o

You're supposed to separate dialogue into separate paragraphs, so it's less messy. Also, you could have elabourated more on the fight, and use a bit more adjectives. A bit cliched, in my opinion. Ulquiorra wouldn't have shown his feelings JUST like that. And last thing: if you're going to use some Japanese phrases, it's good to give translations. It's annoying if you see a block of Japanese, and you have no idea what it says.
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Old 2008-10-25, 13:32   Link #36
Langus
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Originally Posted by Utsukushii Hono'o View Post
Decided to try it...

Spoiler for "Mine":
A bit morbid, but a very good effort. With a character like Ulquiorra, sometimes what he doesn't say out loud is more important than what he does. For this group of lines in particular:


“Care about her?” Ulq scoffed “I don’t know what that is. I merely find her interesting. She’s not a fighter but she’s stronger than she looks. She’s gentle and kind even to those who would do her harm. I merely want to understand her. I want to understand what a heart, friendship and love is. This woman has shown it me. From this woman I can have the answers to my questions…That is all”


I think it may have been more true to Ulquiorra's character had he stopped at "I merely find her interesting." As a reader of the manga and watcher of the anime, I could picture him saying that - brushing off his connection to her as nothing more than a mere pass interest. The rest of what he says in that bit "She's not a fighter...etc." seems too talkative for him to still be "in character". Perhaps you could make that an internal monologue - which could work since we haven't a clue what he's thinking inside his head most times.

Hope that constructive criticism helps you in your future Ulquiorra fics (Oh! And try to make an effort to write out a character's whole name when you are referring to them, unless another character is referring to them by their nick name. It just seems kinda lazy otherwise).

Keep at it!
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Old 2008-10-25, 14:58   Link #37
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Langus View Post
That is weird...

Speaking of which, I have another I forgot to add. This is my only complete, full length work of Bleach fan fiction. It's a look at Gin and Matsumoto's relationship and my prediction of how things will turn out between them when all is said and done.

I'm rather proud of it so if you've got the time please give it a read and give me some feedback

"Secrets of an Unworthy Heart" http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3362719/...Unworthy_Heart

Thanks guys!
Quote:
Originally Posted by monir View Post
I also think your story will flow much much better if you don't rely on longer sentences.
Very good read so far! Matsumoto and Gin are a match made of win.
Having read the story, I disagree with Monir on this. People prefer different writing styles, so there's no absolute answer on what rhythm and length of sentence work better. Terse bullet sentences have their own merits, but the long sentences are what let your narrative drift gently, like the ebb and flow of a river coaxing the landscape to meld with it's path. I have no complaints.


Regarding your interpretation of Gin and Matsumoto's past, I'm not going to nitpick about creative differences with the manga version. There are many different paths that a writer could take to bring Matsuomoto and Gin to who they are today, and yours was as good as any. The only element lacking was an exposition of Gin's macabre sense of humor. Gin laughs at all creation's follies. To laugh at his enemies , his comrades and even himself is the only experience he has of handling this world. Without tracing the emergence of that dark humor bordering on the sadistic, you didn't bring out the cruelty only a bitter man can display. It just felt like there was a gap in the telling somewhere.

But it was a damn good story, for you to make me care enough to complain. And yes, I'll admit the ending made me cry like a little girl.

Last edited by Amirali; 2008-10-25 at 16:04.
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Old 2008-10-25, 15:10   Link #38
Langus
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Originally Posted by Amirali View Post
Having read the story, I'm going to differ with Monir on this. People prefer different writing styles, but the long sentences work well for you. I have no complaints. Regarding your interpretation of Gin and Matsumoto's past, I'm not going to nitpick about creative differences with the manga version. That's all part of your vision, after all.

There are many differnt paths that a writer could take to bring Matsuomoto and Gin to who they are today, and yours was as good as any. The only element lacking was an exposition of Gin's macabre sense of humor. Gin laughs at the entire world and it's follies. To laugh at his enemies , his comrades and even himself is the only experience he has of handling this world. Without tracing the emergence of that dark humor bordering on the sadistic, and his ever-present smile, it just felt like there was a gap somewhere in the telling.

But it was a damn good story, for you to make me care enough to complain.
PM'd you rather than hijacking
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Old 2008-10-25, 15:24   Link #39
Utsukushii Hono'o
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@ Langus...Morbid? Did you not kill Orihime in your fanfic? I didn't write out his whole name? Wow I am so used to abbreviating I didn't even notice that.

Thanks for the CC...it was my first try and I wrote on whim. I thought he talked to long and to much. I actually deleted parts of it.

But since Ulquiorra is emo-static, he is like a Blank page... You can keep him in character or add dimensions to his character. I wanted to take him to a place where he is begining to feel something other than curiosity and I wanted him to show it. . I wanted him to profess feelings that would seem like love, while he denies it. Because he's has pride and I am sure he would downplay Orihime's importance. I also made him state out loud all things Kubo has had him think about Orihime. I also wanted to show how much Orihime's being hurt disturbed him enough that he was OOC and talked to his enemy.

I didn't elaborate on the fight because he has not released yet, nor did the actual battle happen yet... and the fight was not the main focus of the story. His desire to keep Orihime was.

@Hari...You are right It was a bit messy but it was my first try and that was my rough draft. I didn't have the confidence to continue without opinions on it.
I used the words "Sonido" Because Arrancar use that instead of "Shun Po" (Flash step) I also attempted to inject humor like KT does during tense moments. "Moshi Moshi...is Hello?" but I felt the word "Hello" wouldn't work so I used the Japanese words. Next time I will try to use the english words if it fits or provide the translations.

@Amir...I agree with Monir. I read a lot of romance novels and sometimes perfect grammar does take a backseat to great storytelling.

sorry about the mess...it was my first try. Now I am scared to do the continuation

I appreciate all the tips and CC. I don't feel bad I am glad you guys gave me the advice. Thanks!

The next one will actually be an internal monologue...on his part.
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Old 2008-10-25, 15:32   Link #40
Amirali
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Utsukushii Hono'o View Post
@Amir...I agree with Monir. I read a lot of romance novels and sometimes perfect grammar does take a backseat to great storytelling.
Quote:
Originally Posted by monir View Post
I also think your story will flow much much better if you don't rely on longer sentences.
Actually, I agree with him on that too. I meant I disagreed with him that Langus shouldn't use long sentences. I've edited my post and my quote of Monir so that it's not as ambiguous what I meant.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Utsukushii Hono'o View Post
But since Ulquiorra is emo-static, he is like a Blank page... You can keep him in character or add dimensions to his character. I wanted to take him to a place where he is begining to feel something other than curiosity and I wanted him to show it. . I wanted him to profess feelings that would seem like love, while he denies it. Because he's has pride and I am sure he would downplay Orihime's importance. I also made him state out loud all things Kubo has had him think about Orihime. I also wanted to show how much Orihime's being hurt disturbed him enough that he was OOC and talked to his enemy.
I don't personally have any issues with morbidity. One of the all-time greatest novels, Les Miserables, had a mother ripping out her own teeth, shaving her head and prostituting herself in a brothel to save her daughter. Compared to that. a sword through the belly seems tamer than Barney the Dinosaur.

But the dialogues of the characters and sequence of events all felt forced and slightly off. I don't mean to discourage you. I've seen enough of your posts to know you're a very talented writer, O favorite cactus of mine . And you know I wouldn't say that to you lightly. What happens sometimes to people of strong charisma is that they can't give the stage over to their characters. So instead of it being Ulquiorra or Ichigo speaking, it's actually you speaking as you normally would, or would want them to.

Notice how many times you use the word "I" in your above quote saying what you wanted to write, and that's what hurt your effort here. I can never pull this off myself, but if you can loosen your control and let the characters speak for themselves, I think it'll flow much more powerfully. You already have the creativity and ideas, now you just need practice/experience. I'd love to see you try again.

Last edited by Amirali; 2008-10-25 at 16:02.
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