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Old 2009-01-07, 17:12   Link #3121
MisterJB
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hell88 View Post
I think they should both destroy each other. Oh and BTW Easley does not carry an axe, he has a lance.
Thank you for the sugestion and for reading
But he can turn his hands in anything
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Old 2009-01-07, 20:00   Link #3122
Hari Michiru
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Editing again.

Spoiler for chapter 4:


Review:

You still retain ALL of the mistakes I have corrected the past two chapters. I suggest you edit it yourself before posting; it really does help. Sometimes, when you write something for the first time, you don't notice such details. Try to step away from it, and imagine your work was someone else's and look at it with a critial eye.

Try asking these questions to yourself as you edit:
  • Has every been spelt correctly?
  • Is the grammar correct?
  • Would this make sense to the reader?
  • Are there a sufficient amount of adjectives and adverbs to fully describe the setting/feel/mood I am trying to set up?
  • Do I see the scenes like a movie running through my mind as I read this?
Also, when you write action scenes, I see you tend to just write things as it happens. It gets boring after awhile; you should add some imagery into your action scenes to make them beautiful and realistic. If you just go: x did this, and y dodged that, the reader gets bored of reading the story.

You are too straight forward when revealing something; try to be more subtle, as it creates suspense and makes the reader want to read even more. Sometimes it is good to make the reader walk in circles before you get to the point .

I'll repeat again: edit it yourself before posting! Hot off the press items are never at their best.
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Old 2009-01-08, 12:15   Link #3123
MisterJB
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hari Michiru View Post
Editing again.

Spoiler for chapter 4:


Review:

You still retain ALL of the mistakes I have corrected the past two chapters. I suggest you edit it yourself before posting; it really does help. Sometimes, when you write something for the first time, you don't notice such details. Try to step away from it, and imagine your work was someone else's and look at it with a critial eye.

Try asking these questions to yourself as you edit:
  • Has every been spelt correctly?
  • Is the grammar correct?
  • Would this make sense to the reader?
  • Are there a sufficient amount of adjectives and adverbs to fully describe the setting/feel/mood I am trying to set up?
  • Do I see the scenes like a movie running through my mind as I read this?
Also, when you write action scenes, I see you tend to just write things as it happens. It gets boring after awhile; you should add some imagery into your action scenes to make them beautiful and realistic. If you just go: x did this, and y dodged that, the reader gets bored of reading the story.

You are too straight forward when revealing something; try to be more subtle, as it creates suspense and makes the reader want to read even more. Sometimes it is good to make the reader walk in circles before you get to the point .

I'll repeat again: edit it yourself before posting! Hot off the press items are never at their best.
Thanks for the editing and the advice.

I edit it myself but I always let something escape.

What do you exactly mean by repetitive mistakes? Run-ons and stuff like that?
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Old 2009-01-08, 13:00   Link #3124
hell88
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterJB View Post
What do you exactly mean by repetitive mistakes? Run-ons and stuff like that?
She means you keep making the same mistakes over and over.
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Old 2009-01-08, 13:33   Link #3125
MisterJB
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hell88 View Post
She means you keep making the same mistakes over and over.
I know but in less number I hope
Please, bear with me for a time. I'm doing my best to improve

Last edited by MisterJB; 2009-01-08 at 14:16.
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Old 2009-01-08, 18:29   Link #3126
Hari Michiru
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterJB View Post
I know but in less number I hope
Please, bear with me for a time. I'm doing my best to improve
It's okay; I've had practice. Unless you're more annoying than a 5 year old..
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Old 2009-01-08, 18:44   Link #3127
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hari Michiru View Post
It's okay; I've had practice. Unless you're more annoying than a 5 year old..
Now isn't that a slap to the face?
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Old 2009-01-09, 07:55   Link #3128
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Actually from looking at Hari's edit of JB's previous chapter and this current chapter, there are admittedly less mistakes. But I would suggest to you, MisterJb, that you double-check your work, and then double-check it again. I'm surprised when I have even one typo in one of my chapters - your attitude should be the same when editing the work: typos are like deformities, they literally twist your work into something you don't want it to be. So take extra care.
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Old 2009-01-09, 18:17   Link #3129
Hari Michiru
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Yosei View Post
I'm surprised when I have even one typo in one of my chapters - your attitude should be the same when editing the work: typos are like deformities, they literally twist your work into something you don't want it to be. So take extra care.
At least you're not a perfectionist like me . I keep on thinking how I could have done it better, so I never get anything done xD.
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Old 2009-01-10, 02:01   Link #3130
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When a mistake is pointed out to me, I just correct it, even if it's already uploaded on ff.net.
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Old 2009-01-10, 09:59   Link #3131
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Reviews for the Week

1. MisterJB:
Hari Michiru has done all the grammar editing already. The Isley vs. Thelmus fight is perhaps quite a twist that late in the chapter, but it seemed pretty expected after Isley had his chat with Miria.

There's 1 small plot hole: if Thelmus could sense Deneve, why couldn't he sense Isley's surprise sneak attack? This plot hole becomes a bit salient considering Isley jumped in on them in his fully awakened form.


2. Yosei: Chapters 33-36
At the end of Chapter 36 you end with a weird kind of semi-expository take on the battles. Unconventional tactic, but it works for me.

The battle with Luciela, while looking like a well-thought through scene, betrays 1 consistent issue with characters: there are just too many to keep up with. Clarice's appearance sort of throws the seriousness of the sisterly duel to the death on a sardonic note (Luciela's comment).

Then there's the episode when Jean successfully wounds Beth. I consider any elaboration on Alicia & Beth's characters to be a step forward for any author - and what made me think more about how the Dark Ones fit into your story much better is not their appearance, or their unusually close relationship with Xu Chang, but rather the image that Alicia could get burnt by dissipating yoki. Its a creative image & weakness which none of us have thought up. Brilliant & original.

It seems that in Imperial Fire the mark of character maturity is to get hooked to a Chinese male character - Cao Cao & Galatea, Flora & Zhao Yun, Cynthia & Zhou Tai - and now Alicia, Beth & Xu Chang. None of the other Claymore characters who stand by themselves get this much coverage, except maybe Rafaela.
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Old 2009-01-10, 13:33   Link #3132
MisterJB
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shelter: Thanks for the review.
Well Thelmus isn't exactlly the best Yoki-sensor. The one who felt where Helen, Deneve and Clare(whose arc I'm going to start after this one) was Inez. She was the Eye of the Org and is now the Eye of Darkhenus. Helen felt Isley coming, she just didn't knew who was coming and Deneve and Thelmus couldn't because they were too focused in the figth.

Last edited by MisterJB; 2009-01-10 at 18:15.
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Old 2009-01-11, 01:22   Link #3133
Yosei
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I'm glad you liked the "burning" Yoki that injured Alicia, Shelter. I re-emphasize that the six major characters are the central ones (I hope I've consistently made them out to be). It's a difficult thing to juggle especially when you try to put other characters in the spot like Alicia, Beth, Xu Huang or Zhao Yun. But the basic premise of the six characters are the main ones haven't changed.
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Old 2009-01-11, 01:38   Link #3134
NobodyMan
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Chronicles of the Three

Alright, time to post the next chapter of a long buried fanfiction I started here (It's a miracle!)

For those who haven't read the prologue, here's the link to it. http://forums.animesuki.com/showpost...postcount=2358

Now gather 'round folks, I'm about to spin some yarn.

Spoiler for saving space:


Well, that was my first go at an action scene, It's pretty sloppy, but I think I did an ok job if I do say so myself, and hopefully I'll improve over time.

I'll probably update it at a fairly irregular schedule, but I'll try to have it out once a week.

Enjoy.
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Last edited by NobodyMan; 2009-01-11 at 05:35.
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Old 2009-01-11, 03:02   Link #3135
clarakiss~
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@ nobodyman - it's pretty good fic if i say so myself, but it needs some editing. i'm guessing hari michiru will jump on it and explain it in detail. lol xD
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Old 2009-01-11, 03:31   Link #3136
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Quote:
Originally Posted by clarakiss~ View Post
@ nobodyman - it's pretty good fic if i say so myself, but it needs some editing. i'm guessing hari michiru will jump on it and explain it in detail. lol xD
Sounds good to me.

Yeah, I know it's pretty flawed, hopefully with some help, I'll be able to improve my writing skiils.

They can feel free to dissect it as they see fit.

In the meantime, I'm going to head off to bed. Night.
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Old 2009-01-11, 03:54   Link #3137
shelter
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Hello, NobodyMan.

Quote:
He refused to though, not in front of Raki, who knew not of his or Priscilla’s true nature. He wasn’t about to let that change if he could help it
At the moment, this is one of the more glaring tense errors I could spot. There are some awkwardly phrased sentences, but since all of them are dialogue, I don't think they do matter too much.

It's interesting that you begin your fic in action, & hold Raki's perspective all the way. Because the entire chapter, despite the near-death duel Raki had, comes across as very light-hearted. Add to that our knowledge of Isley as a master swordsman who's simply playing with the bandits & the atmosphere is more comic than dramatic. Was that your intention?

There is also nothing 'sloppy' about the action sequence. There's a lot of repetition of one particular conjunction - "however" - which shows the turn of our expectations in who would win. Another thing about your fight scene is that written one move at a time: each character's movements are described nicely within a sentence, sometimes a paragraph. There's nothing wrong with that at all. But it gives an impression of a very, very calculated fight. Compared this to MisterJB in his last chapter (each sentence has multiple moves by multiple characters, creating a very confused but detailed brawl), or Yosei (fight scenes are moderated by setting descriptions & dialogue). In building your own style, it's always good see how others describe action-filled sequences & try to fill each scene with the appropriate amount of tension, detail, dialogue & structure.

But good effort. Especially from someone whom everyone has been waiting for to continue after that prologue Update soon!
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Old 2009-01-11, 05:49   Link #3138
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shelter View Post
Hello, NobodyMan.



At the moment, this is one of the more glaring tense errors I could spot. There are some awkwardly phrased sentences, but since all of them are dialogue, I don't think they do matter too much.

It's interesting that you begin your fic in action, & hold Raki's perspective all the way. Because the entire chapter, despite the near-death duel Raki had, comes across as very light-hearted. Add to that our knowledge of Isley as a master swordsman who's simply playing with the bandits & the atmosphere is more comic than dramatic. Was that your intention?

There is also nothing 'sloppy' about the action sequence. There's a lot of repetition of one particular conjunction - "however" - which shows the turn of our expectations in who would win. Another thing about your fight scene is that written one move at a time: each character's movements are described nicely within a sentence, sometimes a paragraph. There's nothing wrong with that at all. But it gives an impression of a very, very calculated fight. Compared this to MisterJB in his last chapter (each sentence has multiple moves by multiple characters, creating a very confused but detailed brawl), or Yosei (fight scenes are moderated by setting descriptions & dialogue). In building your own style, it's always good see how others describe action-filled sequences & try to fill each scene with the appropriate amount of tension, detail, dialogue & structure.

But good effort. Especially from someone whom everyone has been waiting for to continue after that prologue Update soon!
Ooh, thanks for pointing that out. Fixed it right up for ya.

Yeah actually, I was trying to make this chapter more light-hearted and comedic. I wanted to start the story out with some lighthearted chapters before moving into the darker aspects of the story. I'll try to keep it a nice balance in those terms. Also trying to add a bit of humor into Claymore's usually dark world.

Also, started with a fight scene because I want to pracrice my action sequences so that later fights are done better.

Yeah, I'm going to study up on some fight scenes in other fanfics so that I can improve on my own.

Haha, I'm sure I kept a few people waiting, and I apologize for that, but I'm sure not everyone was waiting for it.
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Old 2009-01-11, 06:50   Link #3139
MisterJB
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nobodyman: I liked it. I found it to be very funny and like shelter said, there is nothing wrong with the action scene, its fast-paced and that is the most important in my opinion.
Altough I wonder why did Isley ran, couldn't he have simply beaten the bandits rigth after they meet them?

I hope to see more soon
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Old 2009-01-12, 01:27   Link #3140
Hari Michiru
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Editing time .

Spoiler for saving space:


The whole horsey thing threw me off there. It seemed a bit too OOC for my liking, along with Raki's giggling...
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