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Old 2009-01-12, 18:40   Link #3141
NobodyMan
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hari Michiru View Post
Editing time .

Spoiler for saving space:


The whole horsey thing threw me off there. It seemed a bit too OOC for my liking, along with Raki's giggling...
Scary...



Wow though, good job editing that. I appreciate it.

Looking back on it, I can tell I made them pretty OOC too. I'll have to work on that, especially for my light-hearted chapters, which are more prone to it if you ask me.

I did the best I could editing it grammatically though.

Heh, I know the small preview things for the next chapter are corny. If everyone else thinks so too, and doesn't really enjoy them, I'll get rid of them.
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Old 2009-01-12, 20:04   Link #3142
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Two chapters that involve Alicia and Beth.


Chapter 35: Battle of Shi Ting


Chapter 36: Humanity's Awakening
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Old 2009-01-14, 10:34   Link #3143
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For Chps 36-41:

I see that you've decided to pursue a kind of side-story here. Although Flora & Zhao Yun were already a so-called couple previously, you seem to have devoted these 6 chapters to them & their budding relationship.

The following section is my technical analysis:

Spoiler for Review:
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Old 2009-01-14, 16:27   Link #3144
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Indeed. There are two things that characterize the Cao family: cunning and cruelty. But whereas Cao Cao is more more cunning than cruelty, his son is more cruelty than cunning. At the same time, however, he isn't stupid; quite the opposite. An intelligent, cruel man used to getting his way as the heir to Wei.

Oh and an important recognition: I'll keep in mind not to be so predictable with the love scenes next time there are moments of intimacy.

On a note about the Galatea vs. Flora rivalry: what a coincidence, I have just begun expanding on this in a later chapter. In most modern representations of the Three Kingdoms, Shu and Wei are archenemies whilst Wu play its cards more cautiously. Liu Bei despises Cao Cao for essentially usurping the power of the Han Dynasty, whilst Cao Cao scorns Liu Bei for his antiquated pipe dreams. These two schools of thought will eventually force Flora and Galatea to clash.

And the fact that Cynthia would be absolutely no match for Galatea. At least Flora stands a chance.
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Old 2009-01-14, 16:43   Link #3145
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Originally Posted by Yosei View Post
There are two things that characterize the Cao family: cunning and cruelty.
Cao Ren is nice...I think...

Anyway, this is the third chapter(?) of Those with Abyssal Power.
After Luciela and Priscilla, this one is dedicated to Alicia. It's maybe a little small. I'm open to sugestions on how to expand it.
Next one is Riful and it should be much bigger than the Luciela's one.
Enjoy

Spoiler for dark angel:
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Old 2009-01-14, 22:27   Link #3146
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Have you forgotten his in-game quote, "If it's a fight you want, you've come to the right place."?

How to expand on your Alicia one-shot...? Well, why not write from Alicia's perspective rather than Galatea's? o.o

It will be difficult. But it will be a most intriguing challenge.
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Old 2009-01-14, 22:40   Link #3147
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" God is a really lucky man…"

My favourite line XD.
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Old 2009-01-14, 22:51   Link #3148
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This is a rough draft for my latest chapter of "Stories from the North"

It is incomplete at the moment, but I feel like I need some rough draft readers and you guys fit the bill.



Spoiler for Chapter 8:



Feel free to point out any errors, I feel like it could flow better at certain parts.
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Old 2009-01-14, 23:31   Link #3149
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All For Yuma~! lol There's some slight things but I'll get to them a bit later...freezing my butt off here.
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Old 2009-01-14, 23:37   Link #3150
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nice story can you make a story where claire is partner with any claymore
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Old 2009-01-14, 23:56   Link #3151
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Just to clarify, there is still the last section of the fic I have to finish up for it, so the end of that draft is not the end of that chapter. Got to keep something in reserve right?
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Old 2009-01-15, 06:01   Link #3152
zato_1one
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I really want someone to put Maria-sama theme in Claymore fanfic.
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Old 2009-01-15, 12:28   Link #3153
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yosei: I can only remember "You have beaten me...Then I leave the fate of this Land with you."
Thanks for the suggestion. It would be much harder that's for sure. Alicia's mind is...peculiar to say the very least.

Thanks Hari Michiru. No errors?

Fenrir: I loved you dialogues
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Old 2009-01-15, 14:30   Link #3154
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fenrir_valindri View Post
This is a rough draft for my latest chapter of "Stories from the North"

It is incomplete at the moment, but I feel like I need some rough draft readers and you guys fit the bill.



Spoiler for Chapter 8:



Feel free to point out any errors, I feel like it could flow better at certain parts.
I don't think I came across any errors, in story flow I think it was pretty good. I have been waiting forever for this fic to be updated, if their is more I really want to read the rest of it. Now I want to read what happens next.
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Old 2009-01-16, 10:03   Link #3155
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fenrir_valindri View Post
Feel free to point out any errors, I feel like it could flow better at certain parts.
1. Your stories seem to follow a similar kind of format: an anecdote about something very abstract, a conflict (external, but in Yuma's case internal), a climax & then a very soft resolution which doesn't really resolve the problem but casts it in a different light. Of course, there's nothing a talk with Miria can't solve The pattern is essentially ok. Although if you're going to take turns with the Ghosts you'll be hard pressed to continue this after another 2-3 more chapters.

A suggestion would be to keep the anecdotal tone, but start & end with Miria's POV. Yuma's perspective here seems a bit limited, so maybe you might want to eliminate it altogether. Anyway, Miria would be a better "voice" to tell Yuma she's improved, since she has most of the authoritative voice in the story.


2. Also the story is more scripted than narrative: it seems like a stage play, because each paragraph is only conveying one very bite-sized chunk of idea. There's no continuity of story within the few paragraphs that focus on either action or setting - this means that the action in the Miria VS. Yuma scene is quite stuttering (e.g hit, then defend, then attack, then defend). It does no justice to Miria's speed or Yuma's sudden lashing offensive.

Your dialogue is very well done (mainly because the story is majority dialogue), since every phrase moves the story in the direction intended. But maybe you can scrap the "...." since they are better described rather than spoken.


3. I really respect your work on this chapter because of the way you let us take a look at Yuma. We all imagine her as being quiet, overwhelmed & psychologically weak. Here you justify it reasonably well, but by making it no fault of her own as many other writers have done. Miria believes that Yuma is just repressed & needs to let loose more - this seems a bit of a simplistic conclusion, but the complexity lies when Miria mentions their progress over the years.
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Old 2009-01-16, 23:41   Link #3156
Hari Michiru
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Originally Posted by MisterJB View Post
yosei: I can only remember "You have beaten me...Then I leave the fate of this Land with you."
Thanks for the suggestion. It would be much harder that's for sure. Alicia's mind is...peculiar to say the very least.

Thanks Hari Michiru. No errors?

Fenrir: I loved you dialogues
Sorry @_@. I'm having exams right now, so I'm really busy.
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Old 2009-01-17, 04:33   Link #3157
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Originally Posted by zato_1one View Post
I really want someone to put Maria-sama theme in Claymore fanfic.
That would be awesome
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Old 2009-01-17, 06:53   Link #3158
MisterJB
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Originally Posted by Hari Michiru View Post
Sorry @_@. I'm having exams right now, so I'm really busy.
No need to be sorry. Thanks for reading

Good luck on your exams
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Old 2009-01-18, 11:40   Link #3159
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Alright I have my other story completed and I am posting the first chapter. This story is short, only six chapters it could have been twice that but I wanted to see if I could make the story shorter. Its also like an OVA in a way, all the chapters are fairly short and strait forward. I have named it After War. BTW if you have not read Renegade Warrior and Double Edged, don't read this story you will have no idea on whats going on.

Spoiler for after war chapter 1:
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Old 2009-01-18, 11:44   Link #3160
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Full chapter of Stories From the North chapter 8 is now uploaded on fanfiction.net
Read and review please.
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