|2009-01-30, 02:37||Link #3521|
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Santa Barbara
TAX STIMULUS PAYMENT FROM THE GOVERNMENT
"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China .
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India .
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico ,Honduras , and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan .
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan .
And none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America . You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.
|2009-01-30, 14:12||Link #3525|
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The night sky.
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered from a real word. Some are terrifically innovative:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people, which stop bright ideas from penetrating. The Bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.
7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
10. Karmageddon: its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then like, the earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
11. Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
12. Glibido: All talk and no action
13. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.
14. Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.
15. Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out .
16. Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the
fruit you're eating.
And, the pick of the lot...
17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
|2009-01-30, 15:13||Link #3526|
Join Date: Jan 2009
omg jokes galore! here's mine:
Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf. On the seventh hole they have to hit the ball over a pond and onto the green on the other side. The first to play is Moses. Moses swings and hits it into the pond with a splash. He walks over to the pond, parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Then Jesus plays. His ball flies up and lands on a lilypad. Jesus walks on the water, and chips the ball onto the green. Then the old man takes his turn. He hits it into the pond, where a fish swallows it. Then an eagle catches the fish and flies up over the green. The fish spits out the ball in fright, and the ball lands in the hole for a hole in one.
Moses turns to Jesus and says "I hate playing with your dad"
|2009-01-30, 19:33||Link #3527|
OMG the thread has come back, u guys have put a smile on my face..... ignoranus omfg i cannot stop laughing... if everybody keep using them they might eventually get to the dictionary
|2009-01-30, 21:47||Link #3529|
30 Seconds to Sawa
Join Date: Oct 2007
The tailor is a Thai. The oddball he's arguing with is a Filipino in the mirror hungry for Skittles.
|2009-02-02, 02:10||Link #3535|
Symmetry is my art.
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Somewhere far far away...
|2009-02-02, 17:54||Link #3537|
Gundam Boobs and Boom FTW
Join Date: Dec 2005
SOME RECENT LATE NIGHT HUMOR....
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
● Al-Qaida has released a stream of verbal attacks against Obama, calling him names and saying all of his policies will end in failure. Who do these people think they are, Rush Limbaugh?
● It turns out the classical music played by Yo-Yo Ma at the inauguration was prerecorded. It was lip-synched. A lot of people were upset by this. When Ashlee Simpson heard about it she said, “I could have done that gig.”
● President Obama has signed an executive order closing Guantanamo Bay. The big problem is, How do you get all of these inmates back to their home countries? They're all on the “Do Not Fly” list.
● They don't know what to do with them. Other countries don't want them. We don't want them. Although today, representatives from New York's Yellow Cab Company said, “Oh we'll take them.”
● Barack Obama plans on issuing an executive order right away. He is going to close Guantanamo Bay. He says he needs the money for new prisons to hold Democratic mayors and governors.
● Obama says that one of the first things he'll do as president is close down Guantanamo Bay. President Bush said, “That's nothing - I've closed down factories, car dealerships . . .”
● Speaking of that, Obama's new secretary of the Treasury nominee, Timothy Geithner has come up with a new plan to lower taxes: Don't pay them.
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
● Blagojevich is being criticized because he recently compared his experience to that of Nelson Mandela. Which may be a stretch - but at least he got the prison part right.
● Earlier today, the world's top economic advisors gathered at a luxury ski resort in Switzerland to find a solution to the global financial crisis. So far the best idea is to stop traveling to luxury ski resorts in Switzerland.
● Earlier today Gov. Blagojevich did all these interviews, and in one of them, he compared himself to Martin Luther King. Blagojevich then said, “I have had a dream, and for $100, I'll tell you about it.”
● Interesting facts still coming out about the inauguration: Aretha Franklin says that she's not happy with her performance at the inauguration, and she says the cold made it hard for her to sing. Aretha said she also got distracted when a weather satellite crashed into her hat.
● Some people got bored while waiting for the inauguration so they started doing the Electric Slide. Apparently, the best way to celebrate our first black president is to do the whitest dance imaginable.
● Very cold in Washington. In fact, with the wind chill, President Bush's approval rating reached minus 13.
● Larry King interviewed President Bush and Bush told him, “My favorite color is blue, and I love enchiladas." Unfortunately Bush was answering the question, “What was your greatest achievement as president?”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
● Gov. Rod Blagojevich is on a media tour instead of at his impeachment trial defending himself. I'm not sure what this guy's story is, but his hair would indicate some sort of delusion.
● Larry King asked him, “What do you do with an approval rating of 7?” He still thinks the people of Illinois are behind him. But even 7 - who are these people who approve of the job he's doing? His mom . . . the guy at Supercuts who does his hair . . .
● Barack Obama is our 44th president. As our first African-American president, he fulfills the dream of Martin Luther King, and as our first Hawaiian president, he fulfills the dream of Don Ho.
● It's so cold in the Midwest, there are reports of people actually wearing the hideous sweaters they got for Christmas.
● Lake Erie is supposed to completely freeze over. Which is interesting, because a lot of people were predicting something would freeze over before we elected an African-American president.
● Larry King asked him if he lost any money in the crisis, and surprisingly, Bush said he has no idea where his money is because his money is in a blind trust managed by a Nigerian prince who's about to collect a huge inheritance.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
● Two million people were there to watch Obama take the oath. I think Obama owes a debt to President Bush for this. The only reason the crowd was that big was because so many people are unemployed and they have the time.
● President Bush is now out of a job. Now he doesn't have to worry about those annoying day trips to the White House he had to do now and then.
● How about Barack Obama's new limousine? It's a 100-foot long, heavily armored Cadillac . . . I think the real news here is that General Motors sold a car.