AnimeSuki Forums

Register Forum Rules FAQ Members List Social Groups Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Go Back   AnimeSuki Forum > General > General Chat

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 2009-07-29, 12:42   Link #1241
Jinto
Asuki-tan Kairin ↓
 
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Fürth (GER)
Age: 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by Skullchukka View Post
Reading people's dating issues is hard stuff. Too many issues.. xD

So, we have some advice giving people in this thread, some of them appeal to my personal point of view too, but in my case, I can not look my problem from another point of view, so I'm asking help - well, direction.

*cough* Explanation first:
We met at a forum 3-4 years ago, we are seeing each other in real life for 3-4 years also. We're as close as people can get, literally. But we're not a "dating couple." I've always liked her, and she confessed she always felt some chemistry between us, but we just couldn't be together - we were just too precious for each other to ruin it.

Now I'm leaving for another country to study. We had a very very depressive month; due to my leaving. We won't be seeing each other for a year (repeating for each year for the next 3-4 years), and I'll only be able to come back here for about 1 month - at my summer holidays.

I've left to another town for about a week and a half before leaving my country, now I'm staying here, and I'll be departing from my present town - not the town where she lives. So we've already lived our 'last moments', a very very sad farewell.

Now I have the chance to invite her to my present town, where she always wanted to visit, for about 2~ days before my departure to another country. I've invited her, and asked her to think about it. She will be giving her answer within some days.

Does this make me a bad person? Since she already had to go through the trouble to give me a farewell (which was really really heart crushing to both of us as you can imagine), now just when she thinks she won't be seeing me for a year, I invite her to stay for 2 more days before I leave; thus making her experience another farewell...
I really was charising 2 more days spent with her, but the other side of this story (making her feel another farewell) seems like a horrible thing to do. I'd love to see her once more for 2 more days, and I KNOW she would love to see me too.. one more time.

Are the 2 last days spent together worth another farewell?
You should have a little more confidence in her ability to decide this by herself. You offered her to meet again and she can say yeah or nay.
You won't see each other for a year. Well I'ld say thats a good opportunity for you two to use that time and actually decide on whether to stay just friends or to pursue for a deeper relationship. You can't expect an almost-relationship to last forever. Somewhen you'ld have had to rethink this anyway.

*this is just my humble personal oppinion. I am not an oracle for matters of human relations*
Jinto is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-07-29, 17:13   Link #1242
Jazzrat
Bearly Legal
 
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Quote:
Originally Posted by Skullchukka View Post
Reading people's dating issues is hard stuff. Too many issues.. xD

So, we have some advice giving people in this thread, some of them appeal to my personal point of view too, but in my case, I can not look my problem from another point of view, so I'm asking help - well, direction.

*cough* Explanation first:
We met at a forum 3-4 years ago, we are seeing each other in real life for 3-4 years also. We're as close as people can get, literally. But we're not a "dating couple." I've always liked her, and she confessed she always felt some chemistry between us, but we just couldn't be together - we were just too precious for each other to ruin it.

Now I'm leaving for another country to study. We had a very very depressive month; due to my leaving. We won't be seeing each other for a year (repeating for each year for the next 3-4 years), and I'll only be able to come back here for about 1 month - at my summer holidays.

I've left to another town for about a week and a half before leaving my country, now I'm staying here, and I'll be departing from my present town - not the town where she lives. So we've already lived our 'last moments', a very very sad farewell.

Now I have the chance to invite her to my present town, where she always wanted to visit, for about 2~ days before my departure to another country. I've invited her, and asked her to think about it. She will be giving her answer within some days.

Does this make me a bad person? Since she already had to go through the trouble to give me a farewell (which was really really heart crushing to both of us as you can imagine), now just when she thinks she won't be seeing me for a year, I invite her to stay for 2 more days before I leave; thus making her experience another farewell...
I really was charising 2 more days spent with her, but the other side of this story (making her feel another farewell) seems like a horrible thing to do. I'd love to see her once more for 2 more days, and I KNOW she would love to see me too.. one more time.

Are the 2 last days spent together worth another farewell?
Precious moments together are often hard to find so personally, i would give it another try. While it does make goodbyes a bit hard but it also made the times you spent together extra sweet.

I had the same thing awhile ago, while the 2 days we had spent was memorable, the extra day we manage to squeeze before i had to fly off made it even better. Having bittersweet memories are better than having none imo.
__________________
Jazzrat is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-07-29, 20:15   Link #1243
Ledgem
Love Yourself
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Northeast USA
Age: 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by Skullchukka View Post
We met at a forum 3-4 years ago, we are seeing each other in real life for 3-4 years also. We're as close as people can get, literally. But we're not a "dating couple." I've always liked her, and she confessed she always felt some chemistry between us, but we just couldn't be together - we were just too precious for each other to ruin it.
What would ruin it? Being "official"? Kissing? Sex? You don't need to answer me, either, just think about it.

I haven't been so long out of the dating scene that I've forgotten how it feels, though. You meet a girl who seems like they could be your best friend forever, and you don't want to ruin that friendship by lacing it with romance. The first (and worst) fear is that she'll say no and that'll turn things awkward, leaving you with absolutely nothing - no lover, no best friend. But it sounds like you sort of already got past that step. The second fear is that dating will change things.

I don't give this advice as though I have years of experience on you (because I don't, according to your reported age), but first, I'd "fix" that relationship bit. It's always possible that two very close friends will not be compatible as a couple, but if both have similar future goals (at least in terms of family goals) then I'm not sure that a whole lot can go wrong. You already admitted that you like her like that.

But what if the friendship is ruined? I may be odd, but here's how I see it - friendships are transient. I can't tell you how many people I've met that I thought I'd be best friends for life with, and now I'm lucky if I talk to them more than once or twice a year. Maybe we're all just so busy that we don't have time to chat. Regardless, that time away from friends is time that you grow apart. Even if you move close to each other in the future, there's no guarantee that you'll be compatible with each other (in terms of interests, hobbies, lifestyles, timings). Then again, I'm currently in a period of harsh transitions in my life, so perhaps it's inevitable for me and not something that others have to contend with.

However, the point is to say that you're lucky (blessed, if you have religious inclinations) to have found such a person and remained together all this time. The distance doesn't have to ruin it, but if things remain as just a friendship - well, it's possible.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Skullchukka View Post
Now I'm leaving for another country to study. We had a very very depressive month; due to my leaving. We won't be seeing each other for a year (repeating for each year for the next 3-4 years), and I'll only be able to come back here for about 1 month - at my summer holidays.
...
Does this make me a bad person? Since she already had to go through the trouble to give me a farewell (which was really really heart crushing to both of us as you can imagine), now just when she thinks she won't be seeing me for a year, I invite her to stay for 2 more days before I leave; thus making her experience another farewell...
I really was charising 2 more days spent with her, but the other side of this story (making her feel another farewell) seems like a horrible thing to do. I'd love to see her once more for 2 more days, and I KNOW she would love to see me too.. one more time.

Are the 2 last days spent together worth another farewell?
I can sympathize. When I'd have to part from my fiancee (back then she was my girlfriend) for summer breaks, or even short visits to other places, it was very difficult for both of us. We were even faced with the prospect of not seeing each other for the next four years, but luckily skirted around it (although it's still a possibility in the future).

First, you shouldn't feel guilty about inviting her to your town. Sure, partings are sad things, but life is short, and you both appreciate each other's presence. Doesn't it make sense to want to spend as much time together as possible?

Second, the prospect of being away for a year for the next 3-4 years may seem like an unbeatable sentence, but it doesn't have to be so. Part of being in a relationship means making sacrifices for the other person. It means that if one person goes somewhere because there's an opportunity there for them, the other will do their best to follow; alternately, one may pass up on an opportunity if the other would be harmed by its acceptance. You never know - she may come across an opportunity to join you in the other country, or you may decide to transfer back to the country that she's in. But just being friends, I don't suppose either of you would be willing to do that for each other (nor would it be expected).

Well, I'll leave it at that. I've rambled on, anyway - your original question was about whether or not you should feel guilty over inviting her for those two days. I said it above, but again, the answer to that is that you most certainly have no reason to feel guilty. Enjoy your time together as best you can.
__________________
Ledgem is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-07-29, 20:38   Link #1244
Envy
Band Nerd ♥
*Graphic Designer
 
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Tornado Alley
Age: 25
This is not a happy story, so if you don't want to see me being depressing don't read it. XD

I had a wonderful relationship from last September to the beginning of this January.

However, it ended, completely unexpected to me with "It's not you, it's me." Sounds like I should have got over it by now, right?

Well I haven't. Mostly because they also strongly hinted towards the possibility of wanting to get back together with me one day.

I see them regularly because we've been in band together, and actually play the same instrument, so we sit by each other. (or at least that's what it was like last semester.)

The combination of all of this has made it hard for me to get over them. I'm convinced that I fell in love, and due to the fact that they gave me hope for the future I just can't let go. They're an amazing person, and I can't see myself finding another one like them. D: (And I do mean that. I can't see there being another person like them. Ever.)
__________________

“The only thing that will stop you from fulfilling your dreams is you.”
Envy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-07-30, 02:44   Link #1245
luckysmile
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by Envy II View Post
This is not a happy story, so if you don't want to see me being depressing don't read it. XD

I had a wonderful relationship from last September to the beginning of this January.

However, it ended, completely unexpected to me with "It's not you, it's me." Sounds like I should have got over it by now, right?

Well I haven't. Mostly because they also strongly hinted towards the possibility of wanting to get back together with me one day.

I see them regularly because we've been in band together, and actually play the same instrument, so we sit by each other. (or at least that's what it was like last semester.)

The combination of all of this has made it hard for me to get over them. I'm convinced that I fell in love, and due to the fact that they gave me hope for the future I just can't let go. They're an amazing person, and I can't see myself finding another one like them. D: (And I do mean that. I can't see there being another person like them. Ever.)
You know they are have "affairs" but you jumped into the triangle relationship?
You must hurt a lot. Just be yourself. And you r young. Many great guys are ahead. Gook luck!
__________________
Is there any anime about Philippines dating?
luckysmile is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-07-31, 04:54   Link #1246
Samari
World's Greatest
 
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: San Francisco
Age: 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by Envy II View Post
This is not a happy story, so if you don't want to see me being depressing don't read it. XD

I had a wonderful relationship from last September to the beginning of this January.

However, it ended, completely unexpected to me with "It's not you, it's me." Sounds like I should have got over it by now, right?

Well I haven't. Mostly because they also strongly hinted towards the possibility of wanting to get back together with me one day.

I see them regularly because we've been in band together, and actually play the same instrument, so we sit by each other. (or at least that's what it was like last semester.)

The combination of all of this has made it hard for me to get over them. I'm convinced that I fell in love, and due to the fact that they gave me hope for the future I just can't let go. They're an amazing person, and I can't see myself finding another one like them. D: (And I do mean that. I can't see there being another person like them. Ever.)
Are you talking about one person or multiple people here?
__________________

"Every light must fade, every heart return to darkness!"
永遠不要失去信心,你的命運。
Samari is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-07-31, 06:20   Link #1247
roriconfan
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Thessaloniki - Greece
Send a message via MSN to roriconfan
Dating huh? Talk about unexplored regions for me. I was never a smooth talker and my looks were never much. Plus, liking anime and videogames in my area is similar to being a retard.

Anyway, I am way past my teens now and don't care about dating anymore. A good talk with any young girl, full of smiles and laughs and opening one's mind to another feels more and more better than sex. Damn, I'm getting old and my libido goes down. As for my "special" tastes, those have nothing to do with my "real" life.
roriconfan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-07-31, 06:22   Link #1248
FateAnomaly
Senior Member
 
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
It will be funny if it is mutiple people and they both used the same lines, in the same band and both sit beside the author.
FateAnomaly is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-07-31, 12:16   Link #1249
Envy
Band Nerd ♥
*Graphic Designer
 
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Tornado Alley
Age: 25
I'm just talking about one person. Sorry for the confusion!

I wouldn't date two people!
__________________

“The only thing that will stop you from fulfilling your dreams is you.”
Envy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-08-01, 01:42   Link #1250
Jinto
Asuki-tan Kairin ↓
 
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Fürth (GER)
Age: 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by Envy II View Post
I'm just talking about one person. Sorry for the confusion!

I wouldn't date two people!
Still playing in the same band is of'course not really helping to let go. I don't know but its like some people can feel if you cannot let go. And that makes you even less attractive to them. Its like an aura that radiates that you are feeling miserably and happy at the same time (well, something like this at least).

Besides, that you cannot find a person like xy again may be true. But what makes you think that this is neccessarily bad? (your feelings for this person ...)
Sometimes it helps to let go, to find another way to be together with the same person again (people change a little bit over time... you too) though I've rarely seen a reunion in the aftermath of a short lived relationship. However, not letting someone go has never helped as far as I know, you dead lock yourself here.

Generally speaking... I know that the unfortunate situation that you cannot be together with that person makes you want to be together with that person all the more, is making the dilemma worse. There is no patented solution for such a situation. Time might be your only aide in this - possibly your feelings will become more neutral over time.

Don't listen to me.. and your heart neither (your heart is biased and I am entitled to my oppinion and know next to nothing of your relationship with that person). But listen to the cold facts that ended your relationship (possibly hard to analyze them).
Jinto is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-08-01, 16:49   Link #1251
Ledgem
Love Yourself
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Northeast USA
Age: 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by Envy II View Post
However, it ended, completely unexpected to me with "It's not you, it's me." Sounds like I should have got over it by now, right?

Well I haven't. Mostly because they also strongly hinted towards the possibility of wanting to get back together with me one day.
What were those hints?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Envy II View Post
The combination of all of this has made it hard for me to get over them. I'm convinced that I fell in love, and due to the fact that they gave me hope for the future I just can't let go. They're an amazing person, and I can't see myself finding another one like them. D: (And I do mean that. I can't see there being another person like them. Ever.)
A family member of mine was caught up in a similar situation. She was in a totally trashy situation that I'm ashamed for her sake over, but it was what it was. Regardless, she was finally dumped, but the trashbag guy who dumped her apparently said that he'd wanted her, and said he'd contact her in the future.

On the whole, women are quite devoted, it seems. For about two years my family member shrugged off interests from other guys - better guys, in my opinion... guys who seemingly knew how to treat a woman, at the very least. Finally, the trashbag called, out of the blue, and it was as if nothing had happened. Ultimately, he ended up dumping her again, but still gave her that rubbish about contacting her in the future. You have no idea how terribly pissed off guys like that make me, to play with a woman's feelings like that.

I don't know your gender, and I'm not even going to guess at it - men can be just as devoted as the most devoted of women (and some women can be just as fickle as the most good-for-nothing man). Either way, protect yourself from the situation that I just described above. I'm not going to tell you that a perfectly good relationship can't come out of the situation you described (although if it were me, my trust in the other person might be somewhat shaken unless we had a good, long discussion about it).

However, don't tell yourself that you can't picture yourself in a relationship that was just as good if not better than the relationship with that other person. You probably can't find an exact copy of them, it's true, but why would you? There are a lot of people in the world, and you're going to change (even slightly) with time, too. Your compatibilities will shift. There could be much better out there for you, but you won't know it. (You're probably telling yourself that I'm wrong, that I don't know you or this other person, so I can't see how perfect it was... if so, you're still fooling yourself.)

Either way, put yourself first in this situation. In any relationship you need to sacrifice at least a bit of yourself for the other person, but it has to work both ways. The other person has withdrawn, so as of now, protect your own interests first.
__________________
Ledgem is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-08-01, 16:55   Link #1252
klowny
OH NO
 
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York
Age: 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by Envy II View Post
I'm just talking about one person. Sorry for the confusion!

I wouldn't date two people!
It would be fun to try it Once

Anyone got any good pick up lines to say to a shy girl?
klowny is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-08-01, 17:15   Link #1253
Ledgem
Love Yourself
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Northeast USA
Age: 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by klowny View Post
Anyone got any good pick up lines to say to a shy girl?
Shy girls are stereotypically the thinking types. Pickup lines don't work unless you can charm her through cheesy comedy. You're better off finding some form of common ground between the two of you and striking up a conversation that way. If you can charm her through some form of physical intrigue (good looks, making her think you're into her and thereby getting her into you - that sort of thing) that can also be a start.
__________________
Ledgem is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-08-02, 04:59   Link #1254
Jazzrat
Bearly Legal
 
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
It's important to make a girl laugh. Learn how to tease them with light flirting and humour. If a guy can make a girl laugh, then you already score a point with them. Be a gentleman as well. Not need to go overboard with it, just simple gestures would do.

Dating a few guys is fine, especially once people are old enough to realize a date is not marriage . Granted after certain point of relationship, you should make an effort to stick with your date.
__________________
Jazzrat is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-08-02, 05:09   Link #1255
jonli
JONLIの憂'
 
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Just wondering.

What do you guys think about interracial dating?

Not just interracial, but inter-cultural dating?
__________________
Oh~ Baby! Shalalalala~ Shalala in the morning~ OH! BABY!
jonli is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-08-02, 06:37   Link #1256
stubby42
Senior Member
 
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: UK/Canada
Your suggesting that theirs actually something to think about?

If two people love each other they'll adapt to each others differences.
stubby42 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-08-02, 09:36   Link #1257
jonli
JONLIの憂'
 
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Quote:
Originally Posted by stubby42 View Post
Your suggesting that theirs actually something to think about?

If two people love each other they'll adapt to each others differences.
Relax, I didn't mean it that way.

I was just wondering, for all those people out there in an interracial relationship, what kind of problems did you have to overcome?

Family? Friends? Language barriers? Distance? Etc?

PS: Why are asian guys less desirable? If you don't think so, why don't you?

Just curious.
__________________
Oh~ Baby! Shalalalala~ Shalala in the morning~ OH! BABY!
jonli is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-08-02, 09:41   Link #1258
Jazzrat
Bearly Legal
 
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
asian guys arent less desirable, just that foreigner are just more exotic.
Dating someone from another culture comes with it's own set of problem. They behave differently, have different expectations, different priority.

But hey, nothing wrong exploring a relationship with them if you are attracted to that person.
__________________
Jazzrat is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-08-02, 10:01   Link #1259
jonli
JONLIの憂'
 
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jazzrat View Post
asian guys arent less desirable, just that foreigner are just more exotic.
Dating someone from another culture comes with it's own set of problem. They behave differently, have different expectations, different priority.

But hey, nothing wrong exploring a relationship with them if you are attracted to that person.
Let's assume it's an american mid-western society. Where the caucasian population is considered the "default", in that case asian guys are considered "foreign" right? But the same privileges are not usually applied to them. Why is that?

PS: I'm from an asian country. I'm just trying to further understand other perspectives on this situation. A lot of my friends do not find women from other races attractive, i'm just wondering if this is because of upbringing or because of how asian guys are not exactly on the top of the list of "hot guys".
__________________
Oh~ Baby! Shalalalala~ Shalala in the morning~ OH! BABY!
jonli is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2009-08-02, 11:17   Link #1260
Ledgem
Love Yourself
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Northeast USA
Age: 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by jonli View Post
I was just wondering, for all those people out there in an interracial relationship, what kind of problems did you have to overcome?
I come from a Jewish background, and my fiancee is Chinese-American (her mother is 1st generation, though). The expectations and values behind both cultures are relatively similar - family expectations, emphasis on strong all-around performance and education, those are similar.

Some things required getting used to. Being the only "white guy" at family gatherings was something at first, but not a huge issue. Family expectations (and playing diplomat) was another hard area. Asian families in general seem to be very distant when it comes to member relationships. They don't get too close to one another or discuss too much about their personal lives with one another. On the other hand, my family was used to that sort of closeness (including all of the in-fighting that comes with it). So there was no issue with me and her family, but I had to iron out some concerns on my family's part that maybe my fiancee didn't like them or was too intimidated by them because she wasn't conversing in the open manner that we're used to doing with each other.

Yes, dealing with the other's family is an important aspect to consider. As someone once told me, when you're marrying a person, you're not just marrying them, but their entire family.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jonli View Post
PS: Why are asian guys less desirable? If you don't think so, why don't you?

Just curious.
I'm a guy, so I don't have any advice on this one. I'd hazard a guess that it's because many Asian guys are either too shy (zero display of confidence) or borderline arrogant, and those two extremes are turn-offs to girls. On the other hand, I've seen plenty of guys from any other race who don't seem fit to have a relationship with even a plant, being fawned over by girls left and right. Female opinions would be more valuable, I suppose, but given that this is an anime forum I wouldn't be surprised if many people here have an Asian fetish.

Actually, I think I remember something about this from a psychology class that I took. Part of it had to do with the expectations of males from different cultures. In the traditional Asian cultures, the male was extremely domineering over the female. In the westernized cultures (at least some) there's a greater level of equality. Females exposed to the westernized lifestyle don't want to return to the traditional gender roles when at home. Hence, Asian males - whether the male individual harbors those expectations or not - represent a link to that gender inequality, and thus are undesirable. On the other hand, Asian females are extremely desirable to practically everyone else because they're stereotyped as being very well-mannered, and it seems to me that there's currently a trend in society where Asian features are seen as being very attractive.

If that's all true, it could also explain why places like Japan are having difficulty with their birth and marriage rates. The population there is largely homogenous, so for women it's an Asian man or no man. Japan has been westernized, and unsurprisingly many women are choosing their careers and single lifestyles instead of marriage and the traditional expectations that would come with it (according to news reports).

Perhaps after a few generations those fears will fade out.
__________________
Ledgem is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
advice, break-ups, dating, dating after divorce, divorce, happiness, love, pairings, single dad, single mom

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:11.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
We use Silk.