Nanoha FanFiction Discussion

[Nanya01]

You should ask in Q&A, but it sounds right to me.

whoo! Page claim for... Uh...

Page Claim for TheShinySword today!

[Rika23onROOF]

Originally Posted by deathcurse

I was wondering if I could get some help clarifying something...

Eye colours:
Nanoha=>Purple
Fate=>Red
Signum=>Blue
Shamal=>Purple
Carim=>Purple
Hayate=>Blue
Subaru=>Green
Teana=>Blue

Can someone please double-check this? Thanks...

(0//////0)

[Recently concious and still staying in the hospital]

*cough* *cough*
I-I thought Nanoha-chan's eyes are blue.
*cough* *cough*

[Nanya01]

Originally Posted by Rika23onROOF

(0//////0)

[Recently concious and still staying in the hospital]

*cough* *cough*
I-I thought Nanoha-chan's eyes are blue.
*cough* *cough*

Deep blue, nearly purple.

[yuiseppe]

Whee, more AltS! I'm really loving this one

Just a few comments on the writing - I know we've had a discussion along these lines before, but i think I'm starting to understand your patterns. One day we'll get to the bottom of it.

Originally Posted by Satashi

The familiar path was made, hands rubbing her arms to fight the chill of the base's air conditioning on her wet body. When the debriefing room was entered, she felt a little odd that nobody was inside.

First sentence - I can get over the passive voice there, but that's probably only because I'm familiar with sentences that don't mention the subject (e.g. in japanese). However, I would still have preferred the sentence having a subject (Fate) and in an active voice (i.e. in the form of 'She did x')

The second sentence - 'when the debriefing room was entered' is very jarring. Structurally speaking, it is no different from 'the path was made'. It is, however, much stranger to hear that a 'room was entered' upon and then have the sentence suddenly switch to an active voice ('she felt a little odd').

Further, you've established the subject of the second sentence as 'the debriefing room', then went on to say 'she' as if the room is a person feeling something was amiss. Clearly it wasn't your intent, but grammatically, that is how it reads.

I know you love your passive sentences. I also agree that not *all* sentences should be active, but there's a place for them and well, you have a knack for putting them where I feel they shouldn't be ^^;

Originally Posted by Satashi

"I've told you, Hayate," The blonde spoke softly while moving to sit inside the room. "I live here, I'm just... not where I'm supposed to be."

when I read what Fate said while listening to 'masterpiece' by Kawada Mami, it felt really epic.

Originally Posted by Satashi

Small drops of water were dripping from her hair and the ruby red eyes were downcast once more.

Delicious ;D

*waves to the new people*

[Satashi]

I think the official color is "slate blue" which can technically be either blue or purple, I think. I'd describe Nanoha's eyes as "blue" "slate blue" "blue eyes that sparkled a hint of purple" or so. but if you just flat out say "purple" it'd be wrong :3

I refer to Fate's as "ruby" "Crimson" "red". Syn gets "Fire red" and Vivio gets "Emerald green"

I like describing eyes, its a great way of avoiding "she" "her" "name" ect.

Originally Posted by yuiseppe

Whee, more AltS! I'm really loving this one

Yay! *hugs*

Just a few comments on the writing - I know we've had a discussion along these lines before, but i think I'm starting to understand your patterns. One day we'll get to the bottom of it.

I feel an active/passive statement coming on....

First sentence - I can get over the passive voice there, but that's probably only because I'm familiar with sentences that don't mention the subject (e.g. in japanese). However, I would still have preferred the sentence having a subject (Fate) and in an active voice (i.e. in the form of 'She did x')

That's my style there, so don't want to change it. >.<

The second sentence - 'when the debriefing room was entered' is very jarring. Structurally speaking, it is no different from 'the path was made'. It is, however, much stranger to hear that a 'room was entered' upon and then have the sentence suddenly switch to an active voice ('she felt a little odd').

Further, you've established the subject of the second sentence as 'the debriefing room', then went on to say 'she' as if the room is a person feeling something was amiss. Clearly it wasn't your intent, but grammatically, that is how it reads.

Probably could have done a "Upon entering the debriefing room, the girl felt a little odd that nobody was there" instead?

I know you love your passive sentences. I also agree that not *all* sentences should be active, but there's a place for them and well, you have a knack for putting them where I feel they shouldn't be ^^;

Well, I've never had any offical teaching on how to write, and I don't really catch it when writing so I'll just have to attempt to improve and rely on beta reader for a while more until that happens ^^;;

when I read what Fate said while listening to 'masterpiece' by Kawada Mami, it felt really epic.

:3!

Delicious ;D

Isn't she, though?

*waves to the new people*

Isn't Rika cute as a button?

~**~

I don't know how to fix active/passive stuffs since I don't really think about it while writing. Its just my style so I tend to do it all the time. Aside from looking at every single sentence to check the voice in it, I'm not really sure how I can fix the problem. I will, however, do it on purpose in certain places because I want it to be like that, but the other parts pointed out here could have been fixed. *sighs*

[deathcurse]

Yeah, sorry, I meant something like "lavender" or "purple-blue" for Nanoha But everyone else's is okay? I'd hate to cause misunderstanding by using the wrong eye-colour for describing a person like Satashi said

[Satashi]

Originally Posted by deathcurse

Yeah, sorry, I meant something like "lavender" or "purple-blue" for Nanoha But everyone else's is okay? I'd hate to cause misunderstanding by using the wrong eye-colour for describing a person like Satashi said

I think "lavender" would work, but that word sounds fancy... so I'd limit it to someone specifically commenting on Nanoha's eyes, or a deep romantic moment where someone is gazing into them. But that's just me.

This example calls for NanoVita!

Vita's breath came out in small puffs, eyes looking up at the girl above her. Nanoha's face had small drops of sweat on it, her hair matted to her neck and cheeks. Her friend was panting as well, holding herself above Vita by bracing on her forearms that were placed on either side of the smaller girl. The redhead slowly brought up her arms to touch Nanoha's sides, her weak body still recovering from the motions that had tired them both out. Upon contact, Nanoha's breathing picked up a little bit, drawing Vita's attention back to her face. Faintly colored chapstick was smeared on Nanoha's lips, and the girl couldn't help but gaze at her mouth as it opened and closed slightly with each puff of air. Looking up, Vita met Nanoha's eyes and stared into them for a small moment. The soft blue eyes, almost showing a lavender shine, were slightly dilated and looking back down at her red ones lovingly. The tender moment lasted a few more moments before the two slowly slid apart and sat up on their own, smiling lightly at their battle stained barrier jackets and the flaming remains of the training ground they had their mock battle on before Nanoha landed the deciding blow to end it.

[Tempy]

Lavender is too light of a color.

I remember someone once described Nanoha's eyes as slate blue, and after looking at images and colors, it's the one I run with.

[spawnofthejudge]

Originally Posted by Satashi

...a deep romantic moment where someone is gazing into them. But that's just me.

Be careful with that, though. Additionally, use "Lavender Orbs" and I'll be obliged to use force.

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by spawnofthejudge

Be careful with that, though. Additionally, use "Lavender Orbs" and I'll be obliged to use force.

I'm going to have to back Spawn up on this one.

[Tempy]

Eyes are not orbs goddamnit adsfjhadkjfhaksdjhgadskflj

[Rising Dragon]

I feel like there's an in-joke here and I'm missing it...

[Satashi]

Originally Posted by Tempest Dynasty

Eyes are not orbs goddamnit adsfjhadkjfhaksdjhgadskflj

Orbs? Isn't that what you collect after defeating a boss in Castlevania 1 back on the NES?

Fate groaned and looked over at Nanoha. "Like they would understand that."

"But its a good example!" Nanoha protested back. "Everyone has played Castlevania!"

"Yeah, part seven and up maybe! you're old!"

"I am not old!!!!!!!"

[Tempy]

Hey, screw you Fate.

I roll with Simon Belmont.

It's also where my hatred of flea men and medusa heads was born.

[spawnofthejudge]

Originally Posted by Satashi

Orbs? Isn't that what you collect after defeating a boss in Castlevania 1 back on the NES?

Fate groaned and looked over at Nanoha. "Like they would understand that."

"But its a good example!" Nanoha protested back. "Everyone has played Castlevania!"

"Yeah, part seven and up maybe! you're old!"

"I am not old!!!!!!!"

This... makes me feel better.

Originally Posted by Rising Dragon

I feel like there's an in-joke here and I'm missing it...

Not inside baseball unless you haven't discovered that Sturgeon's Law is completely true. I went looking on TvTropes, and so far as I can surmise, it's not one, but it's common enough that I may be on YKTTW later today. It's the tendency for bad romantic fic to use the word "orbs" as a fancy replacement for "eyes". Drives me batsh*t.

[Rising Dragon]

Ah ha. I don't think I've ever used orbs as a replacement for eyes in any of the works I've written...

[Satashi]

Originally Posted by Rising Dragon

Ah ha. I don't think I've ever used orbs as a replacement for eyes in any of the works I've written...

*shame*

I have in my older works.......

[RadiantBeam]

I used to, when I was young and inexperienced and didn't realize just how horrible it sounded. I'm not proud to admit it.

[Nanya01]

Glowing orbs of doom! Mwahahahahahaha!

[deathcurse]

I think it's kind of okay if you use it in a longer metaphor instead of a direct substitution for "eyes"

"--her lavender orbs" *SHOT*
"In the dark corner a pair of gleaming orbs flashed, like a night cat's--" *Shot by a smaller caliber gun*