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Old 2009-10-19, 23:21   Link #2001
Shinoto
Rollin' Like A Boss
 
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
About the knitting gift, Coming from without a doubt. The biggest scarf lover here. It isn't self proclaim, It's a fact! And if you gave me one, I'd probably rock the **** out of it.

I think it's pretty much worthless, It's the definition of the gesture mattering and not the object. What they want is you, the scarf would probably be lost or thrown away at some point. It's irrelevant
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Old 2009-10-19, 23:37   Link #2002
UltimaWolf
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: ~Bleh~
Quote:
Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
I think right now the best thing you can do is give her space. ^^;; For all intents and purposes she still seems to care about you, even if she hasn't completely forgiven you for what you did wrong, and she just wants to sort herself out. Just be patient and give her some time.

Thank you. Yeah thats what I've been trying to do, hehe though she isn't helping me out too much with that. I just wonder how long this could take...I don't expect her to be done in like a few days...but I just don't know how long it will take.
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Old 2009-10-20, 01:14   Link #2003
K_Babyy
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Florida
Age: 23
Things have gotten a lot worse since my last post.
My boyfriend comes over pretty much every day for a few hours to see our little girl, he wants to stay all day whenever he's not working, but he has to cut the time back because my parents can't stand him. This is putting a lot of stress on our relationship. He wants to be with our baby and me all the time and my parents are doing whatever they can to make sure that doesn't happen.

I think it was Saturday, he had the day off and came over around 4 and stayed til 9. We have a big patio where we hold parties and family gatherings out back, it's got a tv, fire pit, etc. My mom and dad hung out there the entire time, my younger brother too, he's not really sure of what's going on. He actually likes Casey. But anyway, Casey, Kendal, and I had the house to our selves the whole time. We played with her, watched movies with her, fed her some baby food, gave her a bath, a bunch of stuff. He's so good with her and loves her, she loves him so much she always laughs and squeals when she sees him.

After he left, my parents came back in and I was sitting on the couch feeding Kendal. My mom walks by and shoots me a death glare, it was pretty ugly. I ask her what the hell her problem is and she says that she was in prison all day. I look over at my dad and ask him what's going on and he says that "It's time for me to move on." I got pissed, said that they have no idea how selfish they're being. I'm happy. I love him, he loves our daughter and me, he's done nothing to deserve the way that he's being treated besides getting me pregnant and that's half my fault anyway. He's had a rough past (I mentioned that he was abused by his biological parents and was adopted at 12 years old.) He's got some baggage, but he's strong because of all that he's been through. My parents think that he's gonna treat Kendal and I like he and his brother were treated and they've got it completely wrong. He is so determined to give her the life he never had and they're just so stubborn that they can't accept that he's a good person. He's seriously been through hell and back and it hasn't ruined him as a person. They just don't like the idea that he has no real family since he's not so close to his adopted family. When they picture someone for me, they want a guy who's got a huge family, he's in college, blah blah blah. They just don't understand.

He's had to do everything for himself and his brother since DAY ONE. No one, but me, is there to stand behind him and tell him that everything is gonna be okay. He and his brother were seperated when Casey was adopted, so he was alone until we met. We became friends when I was a sophomore and he was a junior, then started dating that summer. Everyone has left his side and given up on him. I swear that I will not be one of those people. I just see him like no one else does and I'm ridiculed because of that. I love him so much, I've never loved any other guy as much as I love him. We're best friends, I swear he's the guy version of me we have so much in common. The only reason that we fight is because of all the things my parents are putting us though. This is just so hard, I really need some encouragement. I know that I'm doing the right thing and even if some of you don't agree, I won't change my mind. I honestly believe that I am here on this earth to help and and love him, since no one else has.

I'm sorry this was so long, I've just had a lot on my mind and it felt so good to let it out.
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Old 2009-10-20, 03:01   Link #2004
Otaku Emperor
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cheyannew View Post
I hate to be blunt, but I will...

In my experience, the reason females don't as for dating advice as much as males do is simple:

We don't have to.

We can go to a man in a club, bar, room, whatever, bat our eyelashes and take him home if we want. Not always, and that's a very broad generalization. I would never walk up to a stranger in a bar or whatever, but I know that I CAN if I ever choose to.

But if a male were to try to do the same thing, he's a pig, or whatever and will probably get slapped in the face.

I'm not saying it's right, but that's just how it is. Females get to pick and choose, males are busy trying to compete with one another to catch the eye of the females; it's animal nature, and humans are after all, animals.
Aw, I picked the losing team.

But then again, you guys still has to get pregnant ;p

Love is like George Bushes second election, no matter how well the other speaks, the votes are still rigged.

Which pretty much shows that humans are selfish creatures that only think about themselves (Most of them at least)

I still don't understand, what happens to the person who isn't so good looking, is it futile for him to find someone?

If it is, the human race is really sad, trully.
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Old 2009-10-20, 05:23   Link #2005
Shiemi
Counting days
 
 
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Location: Not even close to the Caribbean anymore
Thanks to the people who replied. ^^ Gave me some things to think about. My bf seems like the sentimental type and actually, lately he has been mentioning how cheaper it is to make hand crafted stuff in some cases. He has even given me hand crafted cards before so perhaps in his case, he might like that kind of sappy stuff. Will think about that.

UltimaWolf, your situation gave me a sensation of deja vu from my brother telling me the same exact thing from his gf last year. He was going insane and wanted to call or text her, but I kept telling him not to do it. Somehow, he managed to stop himself and before the week was over, it was his gf who had been texting and calling and then got back together with him.

I cannot really say that the same will happen to you as girls have lots of different personalities, but like RadiantBeam said, giving her space is the best option, which is what my brother did, regardless of how it will end. And btw, my brother's gf has kept doing this from time to time and last time they were not together for more than a month. ^^;;; Now they are engaged again so in that sense, I don't get them.

K Babyy, your situation is really tough, but right now my head is messy and can't answer. If I feel I can add to anything others possibly answer you, I might PM you later on.
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Old 2009-10-20, 06:28   Link #2006
cheyannew
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rethought that...
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Last edited by cheyannew; 2009-10-20 at 06:28. Reason: actually, shiemi's onto something... I'll PM
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Old 2009-10-20, 08:56   Link #2007
SaintessHeart
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ledgem View Post
I can't comment on Singaporean girls, as I've never been to Singapore nor have I met a Singaporean girl (that I know of). I will caution you about what you just wrote, however. It came off as elitist. People tend to exalt themselves over others whom they feel have not undergone the same trying circumstances that they have. For certain national service is an experience, but it almost sounds like you're looking down on those who don't have to go through it.

Furthermore, this and the other post you've written makes you sound like a misogynist (woman hater). You've been rejected ten times and so you gave up; you find the girls so annoying; you're generalizing about all Singaporean girls. I'm not going to tell you that you're wrong about the Singaporean girls because I have zero experience with them - you could very well be right. But as small as Singapore is, that's a lot of girls to be generalizing over.

This is not an attempt to scold you or pass judgment. Rather, this is feedback for you. I don't imagine that you want to hold contempt for womankind or become a military snob, yet perhaps without realizing it, that's where you might be headed. (Or perhaps not; two posts alone don't reveal your subconscious.)
If I am a misogynist, I wouldn't read yuri manga or still hang out with the opposite gender. I just think that why are my cousins over at another side of the world behave so differently when I bring them out when they come over, as compared to the females I hang out with often.

I do know that I am generalising regarding the military and all that, but apparently things are a little too obvious to avoid looking from a holistic POV. I never denied that there are no local females out there with rock solid characters, but statistically speaking, with such a small population, there is not much diversity, just the plain formula which is the majority because of the way the society molds them and what the education system teaches them, they are like almost....generic (pardon my vocabulary, it is very limited).

Each an every person is made by the experiences he/she goes through. Newton's Laws of Motion adequately applies to how a person lives his or her life, and probably held true for every one of us. I could say my countrymen and I are both blessed and cursed, we live very sheltered lives, perhaps too sheltered that we never realised how big the world is and how fast it is changing.

If I am wrong about all these, I will still be right on one thing : The female gender is still one of the world's biggest mysteries.
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Old 2009-10-20, 14:32   Link #2008
Narona
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ledgem View Post
I think what the object is matters less, the point of such a gift is that it's hand-made, a lot of time and effort went into it. We're also living in a time where items that aren't purchased and/or professionally done are becoming increasingly rare (at least, in this part of the world) - to receive something from someone, especially knowing that it took more than a few minutes of their time, is big.

Of course, not everyone will appreciate it. Some people don't really consider that a lot of time and effort went into crafting the item that they just received, and they just think more about whether it suits them and whether they can use it. It really depends on the individual, then... but everyone likes to receive gifts and little surprise showings of thoughtfulness and care.
+1

( )

I don't know about you people, but I still continue to sometimes do hand-made gifts to the persons I cherish. Of course, as Ledgem said, not everyone would appreciate it, but what's important are the feelings put in it, right? At least I believe in that...

Whatever how much money it worths, 0 or $10000, what's important, I think, should be the value that you personally attribute to something.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Otaku Emperor View Post
I still don't understand, what happens to the person who isn't so good looking, is it futile for him to find someone?

If it is, the human race is really sad, trully.
You should read what people wrote in the previous posts about it

Quote:
Originally Posted by SaintessHeart View Post
If I am wrong about all these, I will still be right on one thing : The female gender is still one of the world's biggest mysteries.
Each person is a kind of mystery
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Old 2009-10-20, 17:03   Link #2009
Ledgem
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SaintessHeart View Post
If I am a misogynist, I wouldn't read yuri manga or still hang out with the opposite gender.
This is not a convincing argument. Some racists (termed "aversive racists") still associate and are friendly with the ethnicity that they are against, to the point that they don't even recognize that some of the things that they do are exceedingly racist. Such people would deny being racist and honestly believe it, because it never occurred to them.

Again, it isn't an accusation. You'd only written two posts, but what you wrote set off some alarms in my mind. Feedback.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SaintessHeart View Post
Each an every person is made by the experiences he/she goes through.
This is true. Yet even without fully getting to know many of these people and the experiences that they've gone through in their lives, you are assuming that they are all shallow and overly sheltered. Whether Singapore is an overly sheltered place or not, and whether the education system and culture produces "generic girls," no two people have the same experiences. So to make these generalizations about Singapoean women is something that I find to be unfairly judgmental.

Quote:
Originally Posted by K_Babyy View Post
My parents think that he's gonna treat Kendal and I like he and his brother were treated and they've got it completely wrong.
I don't know what type of abuse your boyfriend went through, but you should be extremely careful with this. I've suffered unintentional abuse at the hands of my parents, who in turn suffered similar abuse from their parents, who in turn suffered abuses stemming from World War II (or so some psychological reports would claim - it's thought to be an established phenomenon among many of the survivors). Breaking the cycle is extremely difficult. It's very possible to do, but it seems to require a lot of self-introspection.

I would not wish abuse on anyone, whether a spouse or a child. Again without knowing anything about your boyfriend, I'm instinctively afraid for your daughter and for you. I'd ask that you remember that, as much as you love Casey, you need to protect your daughter and you need to protect yourself. You don't need to view Casey as a time bomb, but please don't think that he's incapable of repeating the abuses that were brought against him. I've spoken with my fiancee about the things I suffered and requested that if she ever noticed something similar coming out of me, to tell me immediately.

I don't know if you've spoken with Casey about his past, but you may want to try to establish a communication line like that. The abuses will generally never flow out of an abused person because they want to repeat their abuse - it's completely unintentional and undesirable. Without some external feedback it can be very difficult to recognize the actions that are being performed, though. You can help to make sure that he doesn't accidentally do something that will pain him later on.

As for your parents, they need to accept Casey and your daughter sooner or later. It's for the best for your daughter if Casey is an active part of her and your life. You know your parents better than I do, but I think you need to talk with them about it in a calm and rational manner. Don't curse at them or become overly defensive and emotional about Casey if they speak poorly about him. You want them to at least give him a chance, to get to know him. I'd think that the best way to do that would be to show that you're cool-headed and rational (as opposed to lovestruck and under his manipulation, which they may suspect). It isn't easy to do that - it requires a lot of diplomacy on your part. Yet ultimately it would be ideal for you, your daughter, your parents, and for Casey if everyone could accept one another, be supportive of each other, and get along.

I wish you the best.
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Old 2009-10-20, 18:06   Link #2010
Shiemi
Counting days
 
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by K_Babyy View Post
Things have gotten a lot worse since my last post.
My boyfriend comes over pretty much every day for a few hours to see our little girl, he wants to stay all day whenever he's not working, but he has to cut the time back because my parents can't stand him. This is putting a lot of stress on our relationship. He wants to be with our baby and me all the time and my parents are doing whatever they can to make sure that doesn't happen.
One question, do you have any other place to spend time together with the baby that wouldn't be your parents' house? A supportive relative's house? Friend's house? His place?

Rest I will take to PM.
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Old 2009-10-20, 20:59   Link #2011
UltimaWolf
~Nani...?~
 
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shiemi View Post
UltimaWolf, your situation gave me a sensation of deja vu from my brother telling me the same exact thing from his gf last year. He was going insane and wanted to call or text her, but I kept telling him not to do it. Somehow, he managed to stop himself and before the week was over, it was his gf who had been texting and calling and then got back together with him.

I cannot really say that the same will happen to you as girls have lots of different personalities, but like RadiantBeam said, giving her space is the best option, which is what my brother did, regardless of how it will end. And btw, my brother's gf has kept doing this from time to time and last time they were not together for more than a month. ^^;;; Now they are engaged again so in that sense, I don't get them.

Thanks for the advice. I'll give her all the space she needs. Though hopefully it won't take a month Its only been two days and it seems like forever...
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Old 2009-10-21, 12:38   Link #2012
Jinto
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Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Fürth (GER)
Age: 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by K_Babyy View Post
Things have gotten a lot worse since my last post.
My boyfriend comes over pretty much every day for a few hours to see our little girl, he wants to stay all day whenever he's not working, but he has to cut the time back because my parents can't stand him. This is putting a lot of stress on our relationship. He wants to be with our baby and me all the time and my parents are doing whatever they can to make sure that doesn't happen.

I think it was Saturday, he had the day off and came over around 4 and stayed til 9. We have a big patio where we hold parties and family gatherings out back, it's got a tv, fire pit, etc. My mom and dad hung out there the entire time, my younger brother too, he's not really sure of what's going on. He actually likes Casey. But anyway, Casey, Kendal, and I had the house to our selves the whole time. We played with her, watched movies with her, fed her some baby food, gave her a bath, a bunch of stuff. He's so good with her and loves her, she loves him so much she always laughs and squeals when she sees him.

After he left, my parents came back in and I was sitting on the couch feeding Kendal. My mom walks by and shoots me a death glare, it was pretty ugly. I ask her what the hell her problem is and she says that she was in prison all day. I look over at my dad and ask him what's going on and he says that "It's time for me to move on." I got pissed, said that they have no idea how selfish they're being. I'm happy. I love him, he loves our daughter and me, he's done nothing to deserve the way that he's being treated besides getting me pregnant and that's half my fault anyway. He's had a rough past (I mentioned that he was abused by his biological parents and was adopted at 12 years old.) He's got some baggage, but he's strong because of all that he's been through. My parents think that he's gonna treat Kendal and I like he and his brother were treated and they've got it completely wrong. He is so determined to give her the life he never had and they're just so stubborn that they can't accept that he's a good person. He's seriously been through hell and back and it hasn't ruined him as a person. They just don't like the idea that he has no real family since he's not so close to his adopted family. When they picture someone for me, they want a guy who's got a huge family, he's in college, blah blah blah. They just don't understand.

He's had to do everything for himself and his brother since DAY ONE. No one, but me, is there to stand behind him and tell him that everything is gonna be okay. He and his brother were seperated when Casey was adopted, so he was alone until we met. We became friends when I was a sophomore and he was a junior, then started dating that summer. Everyone has left his side and given up on him. I swear that I will not be one of those people. I just see him like no one else does and I'm ridiculed because of that. I love him so much, I've never loved any other guy as much as I love him. We're best friends, I swear he's the guy version of me we have so much in common. The only reason that we fight is because of all the things my parents are putting us though. This is just so hard, I really need some encouragement. I know that I'm doing the right thing and even if some of you don't agree, I won't change my mind. I honestly believe that I am here on this earth to help and and love him, since no one else has.

I'm sorry this was so long, I've just had a lot on my mind and it felt so good to let it out.
I'ld move out. No need to strain both parties (your - let me call it - new little family and your family). I don't know you nor your boyfriend nor your parents, thus don't take my point of view too seriously - but think about it, sometimes a little bit distance can fix things. Then again I am really in no position to give any credible advice in this case.
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Old 2009-10-21, 14:56   Link #2013
K_Babyy
Fullmetal Heart
 
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Florida
Age: 23
Thank you everyone for your advice and concerns about my situation. To answer a few questions: yes, he has been to counceling many times throughout the years. I've actually gone with him quite a few times, starting from back when we were just friends up until last year. Every counselor that he's been with has said positive things about him and said that he seems to be over his past.

And I should've mentioned that we are planning on getting a place of our own very soon. We've been saving up for a while now and we've been looking around for a few months. I know that my parents are probably gonna go beserk when I do move out, but I need space. All my life, they've kept me under a close watch and honestly, that's the main reason I became pregnant in the first place. I'd sneak out and meet up with friends and go to parties because they wouldn't let me hang out with my friends. The more they try and force me to do what they want, I'm just gonna keep rebelling. I wish they could understand that I'm almost 19 years old, I have a daughter of my own, and I'm capable of making my own decisions. I know that they love me and only treat me this way because they want what's best, I understand completely, but I also think that it's time they let me take control of my own life.

Thank you again for everything. I will keep you guys updated.
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Old 2009-10-21, 16:13   Link #2014
RadiantBeam
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@K_Babyy: From what I can tell, your boyfriend sounds like a lovely young man and he loves you and your little girl a lot. I wish you both luck. ^^

Now I'm going to play devil's advocate here with your parents. I understand that you need to get away from them, and that they've tried to shield you all your life, but at the same time you have to understand where they're coming from. They love you a lot and they don't want you to make decisions you might regret, and (no offense to you or your boyfriend) the fact that you're almost nineteen and have a baby makes them even more protective of you because they want to keep you from making those kinds of 'mistakes' in the future (I know you don't consider it a mistake and I'm sure your parents love your baby, but I can't imagine that they ever dreamed you'd be a mother while still so young). They want you to live your life to the fullest and make the best choices you can, so for them, this has to be hard when they see you with a boy they don't approve of, starting a life they might not have wanted for you right away (what I mean is, perhaps they wanted you to go to college before you had a baby).

I'm not trying to be offensive or anything, but I can relate to your parents' concern. My family went through the same thing when my cousin had a child and the father abandoned them both.

EDIT: I should add, though, that my cousin's boyfriend was a jerk none of us liked, while your Casey sounds like a sweet, loving father. I just remember how hard that was for all of us, especially her since she didn't think he'd abandon her like that.
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Old 2009-10-21, 16:18   Link #2015
K_Babyy
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Yea, I do understand where my parents are coming from, but they can't try and shield me like this forever haha. I'm sure when my daughter's my age I'll be a lot more understanding, but for now, I really need a break.

No offense taken at all, thank you for the advice. =]
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Old 2009-10-21, 16:19   Link #2016
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Ah, good, I didn't want to offend you. Honestly, I'm rooting for you and your boyfriend and your daughter. ^^ I hope everything works out for you.
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Old 2009-10-21, 16:20   Link #2017
K_Babyy
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Thanks a ton, I do too.
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Old 2009-10-21, 16:27   Link #2018
cheyannew
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hahah radientbeam beat me to it.. teach me not to read the whole page...
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Old 2009-10-21, 16:40   Link #2019
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Reading the whole page is so much fun, though.
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Old 2009-10-21, 18:17   Link #2020
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Quote:
Originally Posted by K_Babyy
We've been saving up for a while now and we've been looking around for a few months. I know that my parents are probably gonna go beserk when I do move out, but I need space.
I don't support moving out. Staying with your parents may make you and Casey suffer, but it is best for your daughter.

But even if you move out, don't hide it from your parents. Have a talk with them. Tell them your intention (except when you think they have the ability, and the wish to make it impossible, though I doubt they would go that far). Ask them for help in finding a location, even if you think they won't help.

Quote:
Originally Posted by K_Babyy
The more they try and force me to do what they want, I'm just gonna keep rebelling.
They force you to do what they want too much, they make mistake. That put you under stress, and your rebel is understandable and can be sympathized. But rebelling still is not an wise action. I hope you can see that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by K_Babyy
I wish they could understand that I'm almost 19 years old, I have a daughter of my own, and I'm capable of making my own decisions.
You say that, but have you ever proved to them that you can do that? I bet not. Sneaking out to parties, and getting pregnant in high school is not so convincing.

Trust cannot be taken for granted. Rationally show them your resolution. Say you love them, for them, and for you yourself, you will take care of your life perfectly. Even if they act arrogantly, don't ever lose your head and shout things like: "for godsake plz goddamn believe in your own daughter for once." Be silent. Be calm. And affirm them of your resolution again and again. If you also act childish when they act childish, they will never change their mindset of: "I can take care of her better than she can." You have to act more mature than them. It is hard, but you are also a mom now
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