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Old 2009-10-23, 18:00   Link #17481
deathcurse
Queen of Tragedy
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeoSlicerZ View Post
It's not my first foray into Nanoha fanfiction but... finished exams for this period and felt like writing this drabble. No betaing etc done.

Spoiler for Drabble:
Hayate love!

Wow...I was pretty conflicted by this one. I liked how fast paced it was, plowing through the beginning to get to the point where Hayate challenges Fate without losing detail in the background. Pretty hefty lines from Hayate, I liked how curt she's being, since in an argument you're either curt or ranting.

On the other hand, it seems a tad overly melodramatic....couldn't Hayate just transfer stations? Send Fate back to the Navy? I don't see how resigning would get her anywhere, except for the drama value. Hayate's character comes off to me as someone who persists in her efforts, no matter what kind of setback, as she showed in A's...so to have her throw it all away from troubles with Fate seems a bit too far-fetched for me to believe . It seems incredibly selfish from such a selfless person.

Other than that, I really liked small details that showed how Fate and Hayate are old friends, noticing little things about each other and stuff like that. And the last line is awesome, love the play on words!

Nice short, despite being a little hard to swallow the major handwave on Hayate's character. Great work!
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Old 2009-10-23, 18:10   Link #17482
Satashi
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AlternativeS Chapter 1 (AS rough draft)
Spoiler for Alternatives 2-1:
Spoiler for AlternativeS 2-2:
Spoiler for Alternatives 2-3:
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Old 2009-10-23, 18:10   Link #17483
00-Raiser
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeoSlicerZ View Post
It's not my first foray into Nanoha fanfiction but... finished exams for this period and felt like writing this drabble. No betaing etc done.

Spoiler for Drabble:
Sorry, but I have no idea what was happening here. Is this connected to something you've written previously?
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Old 2009-10-23, 18:15   Link #17484
NeoSlicerZ
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
Hayate love!

Wow...I was pretty conflicted by this one. I liked how fast paced it was, plowing through the beginning to get to the point where Hayate challenges Fate without losing detail in the background. Pretty hefty lines from Hayate, I liked how curt she's being, since in an argument you're either curt or ranting.

On the other hand, it seems a tad overly melodramatic....couldn't Hayate just transfer stations? Send Fate back to the Navy? I don't see how resigning would get her anywhere, except for the drama value. Hayate's character comes off to me as someone who persists in her efforts, no matter what kind of setback, as she showed in A's...so to have her throw it all away from troubles with Fate seems a bit too far-fetched for me to believe . It seems incredibly selfish from such a selfless person.

Other than that, I really liked small details that showed how Fate and Hayate are old friends, noticing little things about each other and stuff like that. And the last line is awesome, love the play on words!

Nice short, despite being a little hard to swallow the major handwave on Hayate's character. Great work!
Thanks

Quote:
Originally Posted by 00-Raiser View Post
Sorry, but I have no idea what was happening here. Is this connected to something you've written previously?
It's only very very loosely connected to something I wrote before. It's only a drabble, not even a one shot. Though I might expand on it in future
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Old 2009-10-23, 19:02   Link #17485
BPHaru
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
"If you ever look at my wife in a perverted manor again, I won't hold back."[/SPOILER]
Wife? That's our Fate xD

Thanks for the update, Satashi.
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Old 2009-10-23, 19:06   Link #17486
Satashi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BPHaru View Post
Wife? That's our Fate xD

Thanks for the update, Satashi.
Its hard to adjust, especially when the woman in question looks and acts just like your wife.

Poor Fate has some hard times in front of her.
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Old 2009-10-23, 19:09   Link #17487
Nanya01
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeoSlicerZ View Post
It's not my first foray into Nanoha fanfiction but... finished exams for this period and felt like writing this drabble. No betaing etc done.

Spoiler for Drabble:
...I think... I know you! *Shakes a finger at you.* I was wondering what happened to you while waiting for updates from you.
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Old 2009-10-23, 19:26   Link #17488
NeoSlicerZ
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanya01 View Post
...I think... I know you! *Shakes a finger at you.* I was wondering what happened to you while waiting for updates from you.
Umm... dropped fic is well, dead fic. :P Just writing one shots whenever the mood takes me. Probably going to do them out of order and very loosely knit.
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Old 2009-10-23, 19:28   Link #17489
Nanya01
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeoSlicerZ View Post
Umm... dropped fic is well, dead fic. :P Just writing one shots whenever the mood takes me. Probably going to do them out of order and very loosely knit.
*Pouts* Damn. I really liked that one too.
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Old 2009-10-23, 20:15   Link #17490
Nijiru
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@Satashi: Why do I have the feeling Fate just shot herself in the foot with that comment?
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Old 2009-10-23, 20:34   Link #17491
Satashi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nijiru View Post
@Satashi: Why do I have the feeling Fate just shot herself in the foot with that comment?
Because she's leaving a trail of blood behind her that everyone can follow?
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Old 2009-10-23, 20:52   Link #17492
RadiantBeam
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nijiru View Post
@Satashi: Why do I have the feeling Fate just shot herself in the foot with that comment?
Because she probably just did?
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Old 2009-10-24, 04:30   Link #17493
Nijiru
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Well, I've gone over this again, fiddling with some of the wording and grammar. I can see spots which I know could be improved, I just can't figure out how. I've also realized I suck at making titles. If I do use a title for my shorts and it's part of the main plot I have in mind I'll likely just use the date and/or month and year of when the story takes place.

Anyway, Satashi said I should give some back story on this before I post it. This would be part of Johannes' back story, taking place roughly six months after his discovery of magic, which would place it at two years before The Book of Darkness Incident.

Spoiler for Winter MC 063:


Questions will be answered to the best of my ability. Comments will be used to improve the quality of my work. Flames will be used to help keep me warm through a nice Canadian winter.

Last edited by Nijiru; 2009-10-24 at 06:17.
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Old 2009-10-24, 04:33   Link #17494
Hiria
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Hey guys~ I know I've been gone for a looong looooong while and I don't know if people here still remembers me but it's good to be back. Hiria is back.

I have lots to catch up to and I'm really happy to be back here. I went MIA for a long time and I missed the people here. ^^

Hope to see you guys around more now.
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Old 2009-10-24, 04:59   Link #17495
Jimmy C
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nijiru View Post
"Aria had a problem with who I picked as the mage.”

“Because she's seven years old!”
Critical error. The Tome chooses its Master, no one else, certainly not Graham. He was lucky to even be able to find the Tome and Hayate while it was still dormant.
Another point, the Tome had been with Hayate since her birth. It's the reason she was crippled and dying by A's.
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Old 2009-10-24, 06:19   Link #17496
Nijiru
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@JimmyC: Thank you. *headdesk* And that's why I post stuff here first, so people can point out when I make mistakes like that. I can't see a way of simply editing the story to fix that, so it looks like I'll be rewriting it tomorrow.
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Old 2009-10-24, 07:10   Link #17497
Jimmy C
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That's the spirit. I have to ask, how much of A's have you watched and when was the last time you watched it?
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Old 2009-10-24, 09:25   Link #17498
Satashi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hiria View Post
Hey guys~ I know I've been gone for a looong looooong while and I don't know if people here still remembers me but it's good to be back. Hiria is back.

I have lots to catch up to and I'm really happy to be back here. I went MIA for a long time and I missed the people here. ^^

Hope to see you guys around more now.
Welcome back :3 Good to see you around again! We have a looooooooot of new people since you last came around hehe
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Old 2009-10-24, 09:32   Link #17499
RadiantBeam
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hiria View Post
Hey guys~ I know I've been gone for a looong looooong while and I don't know if people here still remembers me but it's good to be back. Hiria is back.

I have lots to catch up to and I'm really happy to be back here. I went MIA for a long time and I missed the people here. ^^

Hope to see you guys around more now.
Hiria!

Welcome back! You really missed a lot, but it's great to see you active again! I missed you. ^^
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Old 2009-10-24, 11:43   Link #17500
Alavon
Worshipper of Nanoha...
 
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
AlternativeS Chapter 1 (AS rough draft)
Spoiler for Alternatives 2-1:
Spoiler for AlternativeS 2-2:
Spoiler for Alternatives 2-3:



Poor Fate...now Nanoha will be used against her...

SHAME ON YOU SATASHI FOR ENDING IT LIKE THAT!!!!!! UPDATE SOOOOON IF NOT MY CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE WILL GET IT!!

'nuff said...
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