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Old 2009-10-24, 13:41   Link #17501
00-Raiser
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hiria View Post
Hey guys~ I know I've been gone for a looong looooong while and I don't know if people here still remembers me but it's good to be back. Hiria is back.

I have lots to catch up to and I'm really happy to be back here. I went MIA for a long time and I missed the people here. ^^

Hope to see you guys around more now.
I'm new here, so I don't know who you are, but welcome back just the same. Seeing your user title reminded me of an idea I once had, so I quickly wrote it up:

Spoiler for Some Suzuka/Alisa:


I've been wanting to do something for Suzuka for awhile now, since I felt bad about giving her the shaft in my one fic to let Alisa and Yuuno have time alone. It'd be too short to put up on FF.net alone, but now I can post it here!

EDIT: Uh... this is when I'm supposed to do that page claim thing, right? So page claim for Suzuka, I guess.
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Old 2009-10-24, 13:50   Link #17502
Alavon
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 00-Raiser View Post
I'm new here, so I don't know who you are, but welcome back just the same. Seeing your user title reminded me of an idea I once had, so I quickly wrote it up:

Spoiler for Some Suzuka/Alisa:


I've been wanting to do something for Suzuka for awhile now, since I felt bad about giving her the shaft in my one fic to let Alisa and Yuuno have time alone. It'd be too short to put up on FF.net alone, but now I can post it here!

EDIT: Uh... this is when I'm supposed to do that page claim thing, right? So page claim for Suzuka, I guess.
Nice short, 00. We need a little bit of AlisaxSuzuka.... XD

For the page claim...you did great!
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Old 2009-10-24, 14:53   Link #17503
Satashi
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AlternativeS Chapter 1 (AS rough draft)
Spoiler for Alternatives 2-1:
Spoiler for AlternativeS 2-2:
Spoiler for Alternatives 2-3:
Spoiler for AlternativeS 2-4:
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Old 2009-10-24, 15:33   Link #17504
Nijiru
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Originally Posted by Jimmy C View Post
That's the spirit. I have to ask, how much of A's have you watched and when was the last time you watched it?
I've watched all of it, it's just been a while. If I need information from the series, I'll normally go back and watch the part in question.
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Old 2009-10-24, 15:36   Link #17505
DezoPenguin
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hiria View Post
Hey guys~ I know I've been gone for a looong looooong while and I don't know if people here still remembers me but it's good to be back. Hiria is back.

I have lots to catch up to and I'm really happy to be back here. I went MIA for a long time and I missed the people here. ^^

Hope to see you guys around more now.
*waves* Hello again!

*eyes your title*

Good one! *thumbs up!*
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Old 2009-10-24, 15:57   Link #17506
Alavon
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
AlternativeS Chapter 1 (AS rough draft)
Spoiler for Alternatives 2-1:
Spoiler for AlternativeS 2-2:
Spoiler for Alternatives 2-3:
Spoiler for AlternativeS 2-4:
*Hugs Fate*

There, there. Satashi is is going to make everything better....

*laughs*


Anyway, Animal Instincts Chapter 2: Melancholy Voices from Distant Memories is finished! XD

Previous:

Animal Instincts: Preface
Animal Instincts: Chapter 1: The Girl from the City

Spoiler for Animal Instincts-Chapter 2: Melancholy Voices from Distant Memories:


Spoiler for Author's Notes:

Last edited by Alavon; 2009-10-25 at 17:19.
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Old 2009-10-24, 16:41   Link #17507
Satashi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alavon View Post
ficcy
well I decided just to hop in the middle here and see what was going on. I read the part where Fate took Nanoha in and they were playing with Arf till the end of post. It was interesting :3

I'm not going to comment on things I don't know, since I didn't read the first bit. Instead, I'll just say this: They go through emotions like a train wreck. One second Fate is nervous, then scared, then she's happy, then she's sad, then she's laughing so hard she falls off the couch, then sad again, then happy, then crying, then......wow. Just wow.

That's the only thing I noticed. Your writing is good, it flows well, and I didn't notice any grammar errors (though that's not much coming from me.)

I would read this, but right now the only thing stopping me is that the characters seem a little to emotionally spastic. Like they're about to confess their deepest secrets, then hide from them, then laugh, ect. I can't really connect with the mood you're trying to put in. I'd pick one or two and stick with it. Awkward for sure, and the second mood would sad. You can connect all the sad parts to the awkwardness very easily, and little smiles along the way would transition between topics and stuff.

Not saying you should re-write the scene, but toning down the emotional outburst would be a plus. Remember, the girls just met each other, there is plenty of time to work in their past and feelings. Take your time <3
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Old 2009-10-24, 16:51   Link #17508
Alavon
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
well I decided just to hop in the middle here and see what was going on. I read the part where Fate took Nanoha in and they were playing with Arf till the end of post. It was interesting :3

I'm not going to comment on things I don't know, since I didn't read the first bit. Instead, I'll just say this: They go through emotions like a train wreck. One second Fate is nervous, then scared, then she's happy, then she's sad, then she's laughing so hard she falls off the couch, then sad again, then happy, then crying, then......wow. Just wow.

That's the only thing I noticed. Your writing is good, it flows well, and I didn't notice any grammar errors (though that's not much coming from me.)

I would read this, but right now the only thing stopping me is that the characters seem a little to emotionally spastic. Like they're about to confess their deepest secrets, then hide from them, then laugh, ect. I can't really connect with the mood you're trying to put in. I'd pick one or two and stick with it. Awkward for sure, and the second mood would sad. You can connect all the sad parts to the awkwardness very easily, and little smiles along the way would transition between topics and stuff.

Not saying you should re-write the scene, but toning down the emotional outburst would be a plus. Remember, the girls just met each other, there is plenty of time to work in their past and feelings. Take your time <3
Thank you, Satashi. I was also thinking the same thing when I was re-writing this chapter. If you thought their emotions were like train tracks now then you should have read the original chapter; it was a nuclear meltdown! I'll go back and see if I can at least tone it down a bit before posting it on ff.net. Again, thanks!
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Old 2009-10-24, 16:59   Link #17509
Satashi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alavon View Post
Thank you, Satashi. I was also thinking the same thing when I was re-writing this chapter. If you thought their emotions were like train tracks now then you should have read the original chapter; it was a nuclear meltdown! I'll go back and see if I can at least tone it down a bit before posting it on ff.net. Again, thanks!
XD glad to help <3 Hope it goes well for you ^_^
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Old 2009-10-24, 20:52   Link #17510
Satashi
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AlternativeS Chapter 1 (AS rough draft)
Spoiler for Alternatives 2-1:
Spoiler for AlternativeS 2-2:
Spoiler for Alternatives 2-3:
Spoiler for AlternativeS 2-4:
Spoiler for AlternativeS 2-5:
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Old 2009-10-24, 21:04   Link #17511
Alavon
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
AlternativeS Chapter 1 (AS rough draft)
Spoiler for Alternatives 2-1:
Spoiler for AlternativeS 2-2:
Spoiler for Alternatives 2-3:
Spoiler for AlternativeS 2-4:
Spoiler for AlternativeS 2-5:
Of all the times you could have left a good cliffhanger, you leave it NOW...HOW DARE YOU!!! I almost choked on my easymac when I read the last line....
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Old 2009-10-24, 21:05   Link #17512
Satashi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alavon View Post
Of all the times you could have left a good cliffhanger, you leave it NOW...HOW DARE YOU!!! I almost choked on my easymac when I read the last line....
Cliffhanger? ME!? Never! when have aI ever left at a cliffhanger? *halo*~

[EDIT] Easymac=win
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Old 2009-10-24, 21:07   Link #17513
Kaijo
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This is a different story then my Crisis series, where I plan to go into some backstory on the Wolkenritter and the Tome of the Night Sky. Although it can be considered a bit of a sidestory to my Crisis story.

Currently a rough draft, looking for feedback:

Spoiler for Recollections of a Lost Age, Chapter 1: Memory Reinforcement:


Edit: Fixed up some grammar errors and made a few parts easier reading. I think that draft was a bit too rough... Oh, also would appreciate if people let me know if this section felt too long or too short. I'm trying to get a feel for a decent chapter size.

Last edited by Kaijo; 2009-10-24 at 21:34.
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Old 2009-10-24, 21:11   Link #17514
Rising Dragon
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
AlternativeS Chapter 1 (AS rough draft)
Spoiler for Alternatives 2-1:
Spoiler for AlternativeS 2-2:
Spoiler for Alternatives 2-3:
Spoiler for AlternativeS 2-4:
Spoiler for AlternativeS 2-5:
Fate's only digging herself a deeper and deeper grave, it looks like. =X

Strangely, though, I can't really see Fate's Nanoha getting upset with alternate!Nanoha for falling for Fate.
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Old 2009-10-24, 21:16   Link #17515
Alavon
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Quote:
Cliffhanger? ME!? Never! when have aI ever left at a cliffhanger? *halo*~

[EDIT] Easymac=win
@Satashi: Don't you act all innocent with me! But yeah, Easymacs are my life... :3 And on a side note: *coughupdatecough*

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaijo View Post
This is a different story then my Crisis series, where I plan to go into some backstory on the Wolkenritter and the Tome of the Night Sky. Although it can be considered a bit of a sidestory to my Crisis story.

Currently a rough draft, looking for feedback:
Spoiler for Comment for Kaijo's fic....:


Quote:
Fate's only digging herself a deeper and deeper grave, it looks like. =X

Strangely, though, I can't really see Fate's Nanoha getting upset with alternate!Nanoha for falling for Fate.
Here, here! I completely agree!
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Old 2009-10-24, 21:37   Link #17516
Kaijo
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alavon View Post
Spoiler for Comment for Kaijo's fic....:
Yes, kinda. It's probably more accurate to say it's about the Tome of the Night Sky/Book of Darkness and the Wolkenritter, of which I consider Rein to be a part.
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Old 2009-10-24, 22:44   Link #17517
Nanya01
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
AlternativeS Chapter 1 (AS rough draft)
Spoiler for Alternatives 2-1:
Spoiler for AlternativeS 2-2:
Spoiler for Alternatives 2-3:
Spoiler for AlternativeS 2-4:
Spoiler for AlternativeS 2-5:
I rather liked these, though I think maybe Nanoha's being just a little too accepting.

...

Still very good.

Thanks, Satashi, I needed something to look at after working for 10 hours today.
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Old 2009-10-24, 23:03   Link #17518
Satashi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanya01 View Post
I rather liked these, though I think maybe Nanoha's being just a little too accepting.

...

Still very good.

Thanks, Satashi, I needed something to look at after working for 10 hours today.
<3 glad you liked. Nanoha's acceptance is plot orientated though :3 I'll delve a little more on it soonish
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Old 2009-10-24, 23:05   Link #17519
DezoPenguin
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Originally Posted by Satashi View Post
<3 glad you liked. Nanoha's acceptance is plot orientated though :3 I'll delve a little more on it soonish
Yes, it really seems like Nanoha's actually falling for Fate rather than accepting her per se. Maybe even that she sees in this Fate a second chance at everything that was lost when she failed (in her mind) her own reality's Fate.
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Old 2009-10-24, 23:11   Link #17520
Satashi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DezoPenguin View Post
Yes, it really seems like Nanoha's actually falling for Fate rather than accepting her per se. Maybe even that she sees in this Fate a second chance at everything that was lost when she failed (in her mind) her own reality's Fate.
That and the knowledge that the girl in front of her made the Nanoha in her life very happy. Add in the fact that Nanoha has never been on a date, is longing for someone to love, and then finding a girl who knows everything about her and readily defends her and actively calls her "my wife"

and suddenly it seems like an Angel was sent to Nanoha :3
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