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Old 2010-03-31, 21:34   Link #4061
Ricky Controversy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mystique View Post
So even if you can't dedicate as much time into the relationship as you'd like, but she's all for supporting you through your really stressful period, (which means, she'll definitely know to chill on the fun/lovey stuff cause she'll be concerned for you) then why actually 'break up'?
Isn't supporting the ones you care about all part of being in a relationship as well? Or rather, is it tying into something related with your self-confidence issue. Not wanting to 'burden' her with your issues?

Something doesn't sit right here RB, I don't know particular details, but all it sounds like to me is that you've shut a friend out, first and foremost. No one is really gonna be in a 'perfect' state while in a relationship (albiet, there are better states of emotional and mental health before getting into a relationship) - but you were already with her and she I'm sure is fully aware, so where or what is the key point here for you to actually cut off a support line to help you get through your really tough moments?[/QUOTE]

Since I think this can be enlightening entirely on its own, try to imagine that perhaps support is not the nature of what is being given. Perhaps instead of actual support--which is as much about being able to let go as it is being able to be there in the trenches--it is affection being offered selfishly, without regard to the circumstances, without regard to the other person's direct statements and requests.

Now plug that into the variable instead of support and see how justified it is. I think this is likely where the issue lies. This is what my intuition and experience would suggest.
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Old 2010-03-31, 22:46   Link #4062
Mystique
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ricky Controversy View Post
Since I think this can be enlightening entirely on its own, try to imagine that perhaps support is not the nature of what is being given. Perhaps instead of actual support--which is as much about being able to let go as it is being able to be there in the trenches--it is affection being offered selfishly, without regard to the circumstances, without regard to the other person's direct statements and requests.

Now plug that into the variable instead of support and see how justified it is. I think this is likely where the issue lies. This is what my intuition and experience would suggest.
If support isn't the nature of what is being given, then it isn't support, it'd become a destructive force. I was taking into RB's note of her mentioning issues outside of her relationship weighing her down and playing a part into the break up of her relationship and adding the factor that if her partner understood and could chill on the romance/fun stuffs cause if it, then there's no need for a cut out.
What it sounded like to me was 'I got too much going on, I can't cope nor deal with romance at the moment, I need to end my relationship.'
Which had me thinking 'wait, if the other person hasn't done anything that adds to the stress of your life, then why cut out a support line, since you seem to get on with each other?'

But as I mentioned before, it was replying of what I was reading.
The situation as it was mentioned, just didn't sit right with me.

As it was, it's an incomplete puzzle (so I've been updated as to what went down) - and the deal between RB and her partner seems to have been somewhat settled for now.
@ RB - Whether you can remain friends and develop from this event in the months to come, I wish you guys good luck with that.
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Old 2010-04-02, 11:49   Link #4063
Shiemi
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This is not so much as asking for dating advice, but I wanted to share how I've been feeling lately. In less than 4 months I'll be getting married. As the date gets closer, I've been having feelings of excitement, but also feelings of dread. For one part, I am happy, but then another side of me gets scared of something going wrong.

I wonder what will happen after the "honeymoon stage" is over. I wonder if I'll miss my single life and if he will miss his. In fact, I talked to him about this and he also has the same feelings of excitement and dread. He also wonders if he will start missing his staying late playing videogames during weekends without thoughts of going out the next day or takings the kids to the park. He wonders if he will feel he has no alone time anymore. Yet, he says he doesn;t want to go back ever to being alone.

I feel the same way, wondering if I'll feel I lack freedom, if he will end up leaving me with all the chores (though he assures me he won't and we've sort of practiced already taking turns in the kitchen, doing dishes, etc.) It's hard to explain and after having gone through a divorce before, my fears sometimes increase.

He is great with my daughters and they like him a lot too. Sometimes, they even call him daddy. In that sense, I also fear what would happen if anything would go wrong. How the little ones would take it... I guess it's a risk I have to take and so far I think it is worth it.

On another note, I have a problem. To this day, my ex husband has no idea that I'm engaged and getting married. I don't even know if he knows I have someone though I told his brother at some point. I have no idea how to tell my ex husband or if I ought to tell him. It's confusing. My head is quite messy at the moment and my daughters tell me not to tell their father yet because even they fear how he might react. But he will eventually know somehow. Hmm...
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Old 2010-04-02, 12:17   Link #4064
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shiemi View Post
On another note, I have a problem. To this day, my ex husband has no idea that I'm engaged and getting married. I don't even know if he knows I have someone though I told his brother at some point. I have no idea how to tell my ex husband or if I ought to tell him. It's confusing. My head is quite messy at the moment and my daughters tell me not to tell their father yet because even they fear how he might react. But he will eventually know somehow. Hmm...
I can understand your fears, but I think it's best right now to tell him yourself, right away, instead of waiting for him to find out in another way. It's true that you have no idea how he will respond, and it's true that he'll probably be angry with you or, at the very least, he'll be hurt by it. Still, though, the sooner he finds out the better; and it's better that he finds out from you, and not from anyone else. The direct approach is usually the best approach, even if you're not sure of how he'll react.
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Old 2010-04-02, 12:52   Link #4065
cheyannew
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shiemi View Post
This is not so much as asking for dating advice, but I wanted to share how I've been feeling lately. In less than 4 months I'll be getting married. As the date gets closer, I've been having feelings of excitement, but also feelings of dread. For one part, I am happy, but then another side of me gets scared of something going wrong.

I wonder what will happen after the "honeymoon stage" is over. I wonder if I'll miss my single life and if he will miss his. In fact, I talked to him about this and he also has the same feelings of excitement and dread. He also wonders if he will start missing his staying late playing videogames during weekends without thoughts of going out the next day or takings the kids to the park. He wonders if he will feel he has no alone time anymore. Yet, he says he doesn;t want to go back ever to being alone.

I feel the same way, wondering if I'll feel I lack freedom, if he will end up leaving me with all the chores (though he assures me he won't and we've sort of practiced already taking turns in the kitchen, doing dishes, etc.) It's hard to explain and after having gone through a divorce before, my fears sometimes increase.

He is great with my daughters and they like him a lot too. Sometimes, they even call him daddy. In that sense, I also fear what would happen if anything would go wrong. How the little ones would take it... I guess it's a risk I have to take and so far I think it is worth it.

On another note, I have a problem. To this day, my ex husband has no idea that I'm engaged and getting married. I don't even know if he knows I have someone though I told his brother at some point. I have no idea how to tell my ex husband or if I ought to tell him. It's confusing. My head is quite messy at the moment and my daughters tell me not to tell their father yet because even they fear how he might react. But he will eventually know somehow. Hmm...
Most couples have their alone time; my hubby'll watch the cubs whilst I go out with friends to see a band or something... he'll go to a movie w/ his friends, and I stay home.. it works out, just involves discussion.

As for telling the ex? uhm, why? I mean, is there something in the court order that states you have to tell him about your personal life? If your daughters asked you not to mention it, I don't see why you would, in the first place.
Unless it directly affects him (or your daughters like hey we're moving) then it's none of his business IMO. He lost his chance to interfere in your personal life when you guys split, IMO
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Old 2010-04-02, 13:43   Link #4066
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cheyannew View Post
Most couples have their alone time; my hubby'll watch the cubs whilst I go out with friends to see a band or something... he'll go to a movie w/ his friends, and I stay home.. it works out, just involves discussion.

As for telling the ex? uhm, why? I mean, is there something in the court order that states you have to tell him about your personal life? If your daughters asked you not to mention it, I don't see why you would, in the first place.
Unless it directly affects him (or your daughters like hey we're moving) then it's none of his business IMO. He lost his chance to interfere in your personal life when you guys split, IMO
I'm gonna agree with this. You'll have your moments where you can still do things by yourself in a relationship. You don't have to be together all of the time. Just talk about it, what you'd each like to do at least occasionally, and allow the other person to do it. No pressure.

And about your ex, you don't *have* to tell him, unless you're on speaking terms with him and you share things. Perhaps share any reasons why you might want to let him know, and we can let advise you if it's really a good idea or not?^^
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Old 2010-04-02, 13:59   Link #4067
cheyannew
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Originally Posted by Kaijo View Post
I'm gonna agree with this. You'll have your moments where you can still do things by yourself in a relationship. You don't have to be together all of the time. Just talk about it, what you'd each like to do at least occasionally, and allow the other person to do it. No pressure.

And about your ex, you don't *have* to tell him, unless you're on speaking terms with him and you share things. Perhaps share any reasons why you might want to let him know, and we can let advise you if it's really a good idea or not?^^
Well, what put up red flags for me about telling him (besides the fact it's none of his business) was that her daughters asked NOT to.. because they're not sure how he'd react.

Now, granted, eventually he'll find out, but it doesn't sound like he's terribly stable, therefore I'd have a third party (SAFE) associate (like a cop or something haha) notify him, rather than have to deal with drama like that.

I'm still on my personal thing of it being none of his business, but that's me LOL
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Old 2010-04-02, 14:17   Link #4068
Shiemi
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Originally Posted by cheyannew View Post
Well, what put up red flags for me about telling him (besides the fact it's none of his business) was that her daughters asked NOT to.. because they're not sure how he'd react.

Now, granted, eventually he'll find out, but it doesn't sound like he's terribly stable, therefore I'd have a third party (SAFE) associate (like a cop or something haha) notify him, rather than have to deal with drama like that.

I'm still on my personal thing of it being none of his business, but that's me LOL
You're dead on with the red flags thing. My ex is very unstable and violent. Let's just say I might not even be here writing if I had stayed together with him.

I still want him to know at some point that I'm going on with my life and I don't want him to learn in a bad way. I might need a third party indeed.

Thanks Arbitres, RB, cheyannew, and Kaijo for replying.

I know I will go on and get married during summer. I will hope for the best. Now, on the ex thing. Will see if I write to his brother again. My oldest daughter doesn't want to tell her own father about me getting married because she fears for my well being.
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Old 2010-04-02, 14:29   Link #4069
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shiemi View Post
You're dead on with the red flags thing. My ex is very unstable and violent. Let's just say I might not even be here writing if I had stayed together with him.

I still want him to know at some point that I'm going on with my life and I don't want him to learn in a bad way. I might need a third party indeed.

Thanks Arbitres, RB, cheyannew, and Kaijo for replying.

I know I will go on and get married during summer. I will hope for the best. Now, on the ex thing. Will see if I write to his brother again. My oldest daughter doesn't want to tell her own father about me getting married because she fears for my well being.
Then yeah, don't tell him. I was only probing to see if there would be any reason to, and it doesn't look like there is any. I'd echo the third party at most.
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Old 2010-04-02, 14:46   Link #4070
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Quote:
I wonder what will happen after the "honeymoon stage" is over. I wonder if I'll miss my single life and if he will miss his.
Your honeymoon doesn't have to be the most epicly romantic week of your life, although it's great if it turns out to be so. I'd take it as premium time I get to spend with my wife, and try to live it as happily as possible.
About the single life part: I've been in love with a girl (well, woman now) for 7 years, and everytime someone asks me if random girl A is good for me, I'd always think about her and simply say no to everyone else. So, if I was married to her, I just wouldn't even think about other girls around me.
The ex stuff is complicated, your actions depend on your relationship after breaking up( actual friends, facebook friends you'd talk to once a year, strangers?) as well as your feelings about each other, so I can't really tell you what to do; I definitely wouldn't invite my ex to my wedding though, even if we were close friends, as a matter of etiquette.
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Old 2010-04-02, 15:56   Link #4071
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaijo View Post
Then yeah, don't tell him. I was only probing to see if there would be any reason to, and it doesn't look like there is any. I'd echo the third party at most.
I'm going to back up the idea of having a third party involved, but I still think sooner or later he's going to have to find out; and he might be even angrier and become more violent if he hears it through someone else and not from you (Shiemi, not Kaijo) directly.
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Old 2010-04-02, 18:05   Link #4072
Shiemi
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Originally Posted by Kafriel View Post
Your honeymoon doesn't have to be the most epicly romantic week of your life, although it's great if it turns out to be so. I'd take it as premium time I get to spend with my wife, and try to live it as happily as possible.
About the single life part: I've been in love with a girl (well, woman now) for 7 years, and everytime someone asks me if random girl A is good for me, I'd always think about her and simply say no to everyone else. So, if I was married to her, I just wouldn't even think about other girls around me.
The ex stuff is complicated, your actions depend on your relationship after breaking up( actual friends, facebook friends you'd talk to once a year, strangers?) as well as your feelings about each other, so I can't really tell you what to do; I definitely wouldn't invite my ex to my wedding though, even if we were close friends, as a matter of etiquette.
As much as I would love a honeymoon week or so at some point, it wasn't exactly what I meant. What I meant with "honeymoon stage" was like the first year of marriage where the couple is still very passionate and very into each other behaving as boyfriend and girlfriend, still.

Normally, even when the love doesn't go away or shouldn't, the bubble of excitement subsides and the couple settles in into a pattern of married life that can be either good or bad, depending on the couple. Some can start getting annoyed at some of the spouse's habits (Example: Socks around the carpet, underwear hanging in all the wrong places, he/she leaves crumbs on the keyboard and around the computer, cans of beer or coke in all places around the house except the recycling bin, one in the couple leaves all the chores to the other and simply watches TV/plays videogames/surfs the internet, etc.) The annoying habits then seem to go in crescendo and one of the spouses might start to resent and wonder why he/she married the other. Of course, the ideal is that both would reach an agreement.

You seem very faithful and that's very good. Hope you can be happy with a good girl some day. ^^

And nope, I don't have ex in FB or anything like it. The only IM where he is not blocked is skype because he talks to his daughters using voice/webcam sometimes. And no, definitely not inviting him to wedding unless I've gone mad. Funnily enough, I did invite an ex bf to my first wedding, but it was because we were in friendly terms and he was already married and with a kid then.
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Old 2010-04-02, 18:38   Link #4073
Mystique
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shiemi View Post
This is not so much as asking for dating advice, but I wanted to share how I've been feeling lately. In less than 4 months I'll be getting married. As the date gets closer, I've been having feelings of excitement, but also feelings of dread. For one part, I am happy, but then another side of me gets scared of something going wrong.

I wonder what will happen after the "honeymoon stage" is over. I wonder if I'll miss my single life and if he will miss his. In fact, I talked to him about this and he also has the same feelings of excitement and dread. He also wonders if he will start missing his staying late playing videogames during weekends without thoughts of going out the next day or takings the kids to the park. He wonders if he will feel he has no alone time anymore. Yet, he says he doesn;t want to go back ever to being alone.

I feel the same way, wondering if I'll feel I lack freedom, if he will end up leaving me with all the chores (though he assures me he won't and we've sort of practiced already taking turns in the kitchen, doing dishes, etc.) It's hard to explain and after having gone through a divorce before, my fears sometimes increase.

He is great with my daughters and they like him a lot too. Sometimes, they even call him daddy. In that sense, I also fear what would happen if anything would go wrong. How the little ones would take it... I guess it's a risk I have to take and so far I think it is worth it.
Well, he knows your past and you his. You've worked through a lot together with distance so technically being together should be easier. It's just a new lifestyle to adapt to but the 'marriage' part has nothing to do with it. You continue supporting and living as best as you can given the circumstances and situation.
In other words, you adapt
Which to this day, you've done so pretty well and have fought a lot of battles to be together, as long as neither one of you gets lazy with your relationship, you'll be fine. ^^
Now go and find that Sheimi who was determined to surpass hell or high water to marry the man she loves
Quote:
On another note, I have a problem. To this day, my ex husband has no idea that I'm engaged and getting married. I don't even know if he knows I have someone though I told his brother at some point. I have no idea how to tell my ex husband or if I ought to tell him. It's confusing. My head is quite messy at the moment and my daughters tell me not to tell their father yet because even they fear how he might react. But he will eventually know somehow. Hmm...
Your kids obviously have better memories of the hell he put you all through then you do. Don't tell the bastard a damn thing and move on with your life.
It's not even a problem unless you cannot put closure on that side of your life and move into a new one with your fiance.

@RB - He may be angrier if he finds out from the side, but it's none of his business since it doesn't affect his access to his kids (the only link he has with Sheimi) in any way. Her ex and Sheimi herself are over, there is no more to keep contact with in terms of each others lives and if he cannot understand that should he find out later, then her kids fear is all the more justified.
Besides, he has no grounds to throw a fit. So Sheimi doesn't tell him, what's he gonna say, that she betrayed him?
(As you can sense, I've no love lost for the role he played in Sheimi's life, she should close that door as well and walk on)
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Old 2010-04-02, 20:21   Link #4074
Shiemi
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Originally Posted by Mystique View Post
Your kids obviously have better memories of the hell he put you all through then you do. Don't tell the bastard a damn thing and move on with your life.
It's not even a problem unless you cannot put closure on that side of your life and move into a new one with your fiance.
I will admit I tend to forgive easily and sometimes, can easily forget about the bad things. Even my fiancÚ says I'm too nice. He doesn't want me to change in that sense, but sometimes he says my niceness is too extreme to the point of thinking of others more than I think about my own self. He has been helping me in trying to be a little selfish from time to time.

But yeah, I won't say a thing myself, but will see how I can still let my ex know at least that I'm moving. Yes, I can put closure and have a new life with my fiancÚ, but I cannot deny my ex contact with his daughters and he will probably want to travel to see them and send them stuff as he has done till now. (That is one other think I have to work on because I have no intention of having him know where I'll live. He will only get a P.O. Box address for sending stuff.) It's like my oldest once said when she was 5: "I know he made you suffer, but he will always be my father."
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Old 2010-04-02, 20:58   Link #4075
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Shiemi:
A big reason why marriages fail is because of too much expectations about what a marriage is or what a marriage should be. We've been raised in a society where so much meaning has been attached to the word "marriage" from the first time you heard the word and all through your entire life. That's why when people bring those beliefs into their real marriage, it can really mess up their relationships since reality doesn’t match up to their expectations (which they shouldn’t have anyway). The divorce rate in the US is around 50%. You can’t say it stands up to what people believe is supposed to be “the union” can you?

To me, marriage is for lovers who want to share, grow, and magnify their love together – what they were pretty much already doing before they got married. In fact, some couples get married because they felt that calling each other their “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” sounded kind of awkward after five or six years, and they continue their relationship and live as they did before except now they get to call each other their husband or wife. Some couples who were in open relationships get married and continue to enjoy their open relationship except now they’ve strengthened their bond even more.

The form of the marriage isn’t important. The relationship doesn’t have to change in some seriously fundamental way. Nor do you have to necessarily “give up your freedom.” What matters is that the relationship continues to serve you and your partner in sharing your love and growing together in whichever way that most opens you – which is (hopefully) why you’re together in the first place, and what you’ve already been doing up to this point.
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Old 2010-04-02, 21:07   Link #4076
cheyannew
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along w/ the above, I have to note, while people scoff at hubby and I calling one another best friends, nothing, and I mean nothing, other than doing our taxes, has changed since we got legally married. We could easily have simply lived together for the last 14 years w/o a binding contract, and it'd be the same.
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Old 2010-04-02, 21:47   Link #4077
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shiemi View Post
I wonder what will happen after the "honeymoon stage" is over. I wonder if I'll miss my single life and if he will miss his. In fact, I talked to him about this and he also has the same feelings of excitement and dread. He also wonders if he will start missing his staying late playing videogames during weekends without thoughts of going out the next day or takings the kids to the park. He wonders if he will feel he has no alone time anymore. Yet, he says he doesn;t want to go back ever to being alone.
I feel for you. We always miss that which we once had . Marriage is going to mean you most likely won't have as much alone time, save for the workplace (where you'll be surrounded by others). I doubt, however, that will be an issue, as the whole reason you both wanted to be married most likely stems from the fact that you wanted to spend your days together.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shiemi View Post
I feel the same way, wondering if I'll feel I lack freedom, if he will end up leaving me with all the chores (though he assures me he won't and we've sort of practiced already taking turns in the kitchen, doing dishes, etc.) It's hard to explain and after having gone through a divorce before, my fears sometimes increase.
Again, I feel for you. Most arguments start over the household work (such a thing happens amongst me and my siblings ). Nobody likes doing chores, ontop of a 9 to 5 job. It is probably important that, if your daughters are at a young stage, that you try to get them involved in housework as much as possible, so that they pick up after themselves when they're older. This can take a workload off you and your husband quite alot, and it teaches the kids that you won't be around forever to clean up after them (if only I got such teachings, then this house where I live might be in a much more proper order).

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shiemi View Post
He is great with my daughters and they like him a lot too. Sometimes, they even call him daddy. In that sense, I also fear what would happen if anything would go wrong. How the little ones would take it... I guess it's a risk I have to take and so far I think it is worth it.
As I too have a stepfather (who's yet to marry my mum), I think they'll be happy to have someone to father them. Children can be torn over a divorce, but for your's to warm up so much to your new fiancee means that I cannot see too many problems. You do have a right to fear, nobody likes seeing their own parents chop and change over things. It is most important that you try your best to keep it alive, if not for you, for your children.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shiemi View Post
On another note, I have a problem. To this day, my ex husband has no idea that I'm engaged and getting married. I don't even know if he knows I have someone though I told his brother at some point. I have no idea how to tell my ex husband or if I ought to tell him. It's confusing. My head is quite messy at the moment and my daughters tell me not to tell their father yet because even they fear how he might react. But he will eventually know somehow. Hmm...
Is he a violent man? I daresay that if he's an ex, he no longer has a hold on what you can and cannot do with your life. If you were to tell him, it is up to him how he reacts, but ultimately he must accept that you moved on, like he must. There is something seriously wrong if he cannot let you go.

Hope it helps . I got another issue of mine lurking around the corner really soon, and if I feel like it I might just ask around here.
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Old 2010-04-02, 22:04   Link #4078
Ascaloth
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Join Date: Nov 2006
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Originally Posted by Shiemi View Post
I will admit I tend to forgive easily and sometimes, can easily forget about the bad things. Even my fiancÚ says I'm too nice. He doesn't want me to change in that sense, but sometimes he says my niceness is too extreme to the point of thinking of others more than I think about my own self. He has been helping me in trying to be a little selfish from time to time.
....argh. You sound exactly like my girl, and that sounds exactly what I've been trying to help my girl to do as well. :headdesk:
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Old 2010-04-02, 22:09   Link #4079
RadiantBeam
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Originally Posted by Ascaloth View Post
....argh. You sound exactly like my girl, and that sounds exactly what I've been trying to help my girl to do as well. :headdesk:
What's so bad about forgiving easily?
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Old 2010-04-02, 22:28   Link #4080
Ascaloth
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Join Date: Nov 2006
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Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
What's so bad about forgiving easily?
It's more the 'being too nice to others at the expense of oneself' I'm more worried about, actually. For personal experience, such girls are easily cheated and/or taken advantage of.
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