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Old 2010-04-19, 09:33   Link #61
RadiantBeam
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Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
NEW PART
Spoiler for Chapter 2, part 2:
Oh, boy. We finally have plot, and what a plot it is! Angst, Kyo gets some very nice development. He seems like a sweet guy, if perhaps a little too devoted to his duty and clueless as to what Konoka wants from him. But he's a sweetheart and he means well, which is a big plus in his favor. I'm already liking him even if he shouted at Setsuna in the end.

So.... the whole thing with the Wardens basically happened because Konoka wanted to be more than friends with Setsuna, and Setsuna was letting her urge to protect her overwhelm her?

... Um, yeah, you... might want to be careful with how you play that. It's certainly a tragic element to the plot and explains Setsuna's drive in the story, but right now my urge to cheer for her and Konoka kind of just dropped to below zero. Granted, I'm assuming they were pretty young when it happened, so they probably didn't know any better anyway, but still. My heart dropped into my stomach reading that. ^^;;;;;; And not in the good, "Oh shit this is bad in an awesome plot kind of way" but in a "Oh shit this is bad because now I'm not even rooting for the main pairing" way.

Quote:
Finally, PLOT PLOT PLOT PLOT!!! Now excuse me while I go and collapse @_@............
Gah! No! No collapsing! None! Not allowed! *uses awesome Harem Mistress powers to heal you*
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Old 2010-04-19, 13:05   Link #62
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Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
My fingers just finished typing this out, so it's utterly raw and straight off the press!

Love and Duty Come in Chains

Prologue and Chapter 1
Spoiler for Love and Duty Come in Chains, Chapter 2 part 1:

NEW PART
Spoiler for Chapter 2, part 2:

Finally, PLOT PLOT PLOT PLOT!!! Now excuse me while I go and collapse @_@............
I count... one Wallward that doesn't have any sort of problem with Setsuna, and unless I'm mistaken, she just showed up this chapter. Even the nameless maid doesn't like her.

So let's see... half-demon, obviously interested in Konoka, Konoka is obviously interested in her, she makes very little effort to be friendly, she started this mess and didn't marry the young master, she was picked by another family to guard Konoka, and hired another stranger to help her with that. They probably don't know about all of that, but just her being invited to look after their master's wife by another family probably annoys them, and whatever else they know can't help much.

I think I like Kyo. He's so hopeless that it's really hard to resent him, and even though he yelled at Setsuna, being angry and panicked over impending doom that will be brought about thanks to an escaped enemy isn't much you can blame him for.

So Mana and Setsuna are the only competent guards? ...That's not good. And means that the other ones don't really have the right to be glaring right now.

Very fun all around, and I'm kinda glad that Setsuna got to angst over something besides Konoka's marriage. Also, the idea of her fighting cat demons made me laugh.

More is very much wanted!
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Old 2010-04-19, 16:41   Link #63
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Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
Oh, boy. We finally have plot, and what a plot it is! Angst, Kyo gets some very nice development. He seems like a sweet guy, if perhaps a little too devoted to his duty and clueless as to what Konoka wants from him. But he's a sweetheart and he means well, which is a big plus in his favor. I'm already liking him even if he shouted at Setsuna in the end.

So.... the whole thing with the Wardens basically happened because Konoka wanted to be more than friends with Setsuna, and Setsuna was letting her urge to protect her overwhelm her?

... Um, yeah, you... might want to be careful with how you play that. It's certainly a tragic element to the plot and explains Setsuna's drive in the story, but right now my urge to cheer for her and Konoka kind of just dropped to below zero. Granted, I'm assuming they were pretty young when it happened, so they probably didn't know any better anyway, but still. My heart dropped into my stomach reading that. ^^;;;;;; And not in the good, "Oh shit this is bad in an awesome plot kind of way" but in a "Oh shit this is bad because now I'm not even rooting for the main pairing" way.
I'm glad Kyo's coming across as a decent guy .

Hmm......now that's an interesting interpretation of the flashbacks . Wasn't exactly what I was trying to get across, so I'll have to go and look it over again ^^.

This is a 20 year old Setsuna I'm working with, so it's a struggle to bring in her "I'm a half-demon"/"I'm a lower status than my Ojou-sama"/"I owe the Konoe family" angst and other troubles in a way that's fitting for an adult rather than teen angst . And on the other hand, the trouble with making Kyo a good man is that in a way, you're not supposed to root for Setsuna, since in this case she'd be "the other woman" . So hopefully my plans will make this all work out okay, and if not, then it'll be a learning curve !

Quote:
Gah! No! No collapsing! None! Not allowed! *uses awesome Harem Mistress powers to heal you*
*revives slightly* Now if only the Harem Mistress powers work on my brain to help me study?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Merctrin View Post
I count... one Wallward that doesn't have any sort of problem with Setsuna, and unless I'm mistaken, she just showed up this chapter. Even the nameless maid doesn't like her.

So let's see... half-demon, obviously interested in Konoka, Konoka is obviously interested in her, she makes very little effort to be friendly, she started this mess and didn't marry the young master, she was picked by another family to guard Konoka, and hired another stranger to help her with that. They probably don't know about all of that, but just her being invited to look after their master's wife by another family probably annoys them, and whatever else they know can't help much.
Chapter 3 will hopefully go into more of the inter-family politics going on, which might give the Wallwards more background . But yeah, Hazan's a more casual sort, and she's quite understanding of where Setsuna's coming from.

For most of the household, Mana and Setsuna not being part of the main group of servants is grating for them, since they don't know what to do with the two of them . Added in that while Konoka and Setsuna might have good poker faces, the chemistry between them is just explosive...and the servants are probably too scared of Mana to comment to her face . And yeah, Setsuna's broodiness and loner nature probably didn't endear her to the rest of them!

Quote:
I think I like Kyo. He's so hopeless that it's really hard to resent him, and even though he yelled at Setsuna, being angry and panicked over impending doom that will be brought about thanks to an escaped enemy isn't much you can blame him for.

So Mana and Setsuna are the only competent guards? ...That's not good. And means that the other ones don't really have the right to be glaring right now.

Very fun all around, and I'm kinda glad that Setsuna got to angst over something besides Konoka's marriage. Also, the idea of her fighting cat demons made me laugh.

More is very much wanted!
It's a struggle to write Kyo , since he's got to be exactly like *this* in order for it all to fit in the context of the story. But I'm glad that you like him , he's a hard character to pin down correctly.

Most of the Wallward guards aren't used to demons, so they're less help here. Assumingly, they'd perform better against more normal threats .

And LOL, I debated having Setsuna pull out her wings earlier just for the irony factor , but I decided that it would be cooler to have her kick butt without them first .

Thanks for the feedback!
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Old 2010-04-19, 19:18   Link #64
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Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
Hmm......now that's an interesting interpretation of the flashbacks . Wasn't exactly what I was trying to get across, so I'll have to go and look it over again ^^.
Well, maybe I just misread it. But to me, it comes across less as something horrible that's happened and Konoka and Setsuna happened to be in the wrong place doing the wrong thing at the wrong time, but more as something horrible that happened because Setsuna didn't act on her gut instinct of getting out of there and Konoka decided to throw a hissy fit over being just friends with Setsuna. Not a good impression of the events. ^^;;;;

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Old 2010-04-19, 19:18   Link #65
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Hmm, I didn't see anyone mentioning the classic, masterful, Traingham in their posts. Yet, you are mainly talking about KonoSetsu's, are you?

I have a Negima story, although it is insane...I'm already Thirty Seven chapter's in and I still don't have an exact pairing going yet, although some of my readers are suspecting me turning them to an Eva/Negi one...but will I surprise them?

Young Negi?
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Old 2010-04-19, 21:00   Link #66
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Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
My fingers just finished typing this out, so it's utterly raw and straight off the press!

Love and Duty Come in Chains

Prologue and Chapter 1
Spoiler for Love and Duty Come in Chains, Chapter 2 part 1:

Finally, PLOT PLOT PLOT PLOT!!! Now excuse me while I go and collapse @_@............

It... doesn't inspire me with confidence that Kyo's guards are not as skilled as Setsuna and Mana. Then again, I suppose that's only in relation to Setsuna and Mana? Perhaps when compared to other mages they are very skilled? After all, its hard to measure up to the adventures of the Ala Alba.

Like everyone here I like that Kyo's a good man and you've shown that Hazan's also a good person so it would be hard to root for Setsuna. Also her thick wall of angst and broodiness is making it challenging to root for her.

I chuckled at Mana's overtime line because that would be so Mana!

Hmm... so now there's an escaped demon who knows about the wards? Plot ensued! Although it makes me wonder why the wards didn't have guards in the first place if they knew how delicate the wards were. An oversight on the Wallawards part?



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Originally Posted by Finalage View Post
Hmm, I didn't see anyone mentioning the classic, masterful, Traingham in their posts. Yet, you are mainly talking about KonoSetsu's, are you?

I have a Negima story, although it is insane...I'm already Thirty Seven chapter's in and I still don't have an exact pairing going yet, although some of my readers are suspecting me turning them to an Eva/Negi one...but will I surprise them?

Young Negi?

Thanks for sharing the links! Evangeline's a favorite character of mine. I'll give the stories a try later!
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Old 2010-04-19, 21:41   Link #67
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Originally Posted by isagrimorie View Post
It... doesn't inspire me with confidence that Kyo's guards are not as skilled as Setsuna and Mana. Then again, I suppose that's only in relation to Setsuna and Mana? Perhaps when compared to other mages they are very skilled? After all, its hard to measure up to the adventures of the Ala Alba.
You also have to consider that Mana and Setsuna have been exposed to situations and training that other mages aren't accustomed to. I mean, Setsuna has been protecting Konoka and playing bodyguard to her since she was at least five, at the youngest; and on Mana's end, we know that by the time she was ten or so (possibly younger) she'd already Pactio'd with someone and continued to be a badass after he died.
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Old 2010-04-20, 08:17   Link #68
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Thanks for sharing the links! Evangeline's a favorite character of mine. I'll give the stories a try later!
You're very welcome. Traingham's one of that "1%" out there that's really good at what they do, if you have the time to read the monster's he puts out that is! I myself only have one story I consider "okay", that's the link I gave, yet it starts off so insane...speaking of which, I'm working on the new chapter right now, and I'm wondering if any of you may have some advice for me on how to work on my style a bit?

Warning: This may ruffle a few feathers. If you don't like what you see, you are free to yell at me, but please consider just not continuing instead, I tend to hide when people yell at me.. You may have to read some more current chapter's of my fic if you really want to understand what's going on...

(By the way, I know I spelled Valkyrie wrong. I need to fix that.. >.<)

Spoiler for Young Negi Upcoming chapter, spoiler!:


A short little excerpt...okay, maybe not too short
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Old 2010-04-20, 13:42   Link #69
deathcurse
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I've posted Chapter 2 of "Love and Duty Come in Chains" on Fanfiction.net ^^. From the feedback I got, I edited some parts with a few extra words here and there to hopefully make the events a little bit clearer!

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Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
Well, maybe I just misread it. But to me, it comes across less as something horrible that's happened and Konoka and Setsuna happened to be in the wrong place doing the wrong thing at the wrong time, but more as something horrible that happened because Setsuna didn't act on her gut instinct of getting out of there and Konoka decided to throw a hissy fit over being just friends with Setsuna. Not a good impression of the events. ^^;;;;
Ouch, I can see how you could see it that way! Well, hopefully later chapters will clear that up.....

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Originally Posted by isagrimorie View Post
It... doesn't inspire me with confidence that Kyo's guards are not as skilled as Setsuna and Mana. Then again, I suppose that's only in relation to Setsuna and Mana? Perhaps when compared to other mages they are very skilled? After all, its hard to measure up to the adventures of the Ala Alba.

Like everyone here I like that Kyo's a good man and you've shown that Hazan's also a good person so it would be hard to root for Setsuna. Also her thick wall of angst and broodiness is making it challenging to root for her.

I chuckled at Mana's overtime line because that would be so Mana!

Hmm... so now there's an escaped demon who knows about the wards? Plot ensued! Although it makes me wonder why the wards didn't have guards in the first place if they knew how delicate the wards were. An oversight on the Wallawards part?
A bit of a sneak peek, but the Wallwards were a smaller family originating from England, who aren't incredibly powerful in mages but have great resources for research and information gathering. So they're less of a "need bodyguards to protect our heirs!" as Konoka's family is, and more of "Guard? You've got a hand free? Come take this stack of books for me please!" . So in Setsuna's point of view, they're pretty useless in a fight even if they are relatively competent.

I'm trying to write this in a different order than "Angel", by throwing the plot in first and working the characters second.....but it doesn't seem to be working well either ......

That'll be answered in the next chapter .
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Old 2010-04-23, 09:57   Link #70
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Gah. I'm casting about for ideas...true, I submitted my latest chapter yesterday, but I'm already on my next one, so far, I've got this, but I've got no idea where to go...pah, I'll get something sooner or later...tell me what yah think.

Spoiler:
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Old 2010-04-30, 21:48   Link #71
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My brain is shot so instead of working on Taken Day by Day, here's a random oneshot that has nothing to do with anything! Okay, so that's not exactly true; this is a KonoSetsu friendship fic. Timeline should be pretty clear, and unless I've missed something, I haven't horribly violated canon.

Now, on to the fun!

Spoiler for Konoka's Doll:

Spoiler for Notes:

Thank ye kindly for reading.
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Old 2010-05-02, 15:47   Link #72
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That's pretty good, it's an interesting idea to say the least, Merctrin...did you purposely put the detail like that? It's good for the age you have Konoka at the moment...

Oh, by the way, my newest chapter, still in progress, number Forty Two. Tell my what you all think, neh?

Spoiler:
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Old 2010-05-04, 01:53   Link #73
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Originally Posted by Merctrin View Post
My brain is shot so instead of working on Taken Day by Day, here's a random oneshot that has nothing to do with anything! Okay, so that's not exactly true; this is a KonoSetsu friendship fic. Timeline should be pretty clear, and unless I've missed something, I haven't horribly violated canon.

Now, on to the fun!

Spoiler for Konoka's Doll:

Spoiler for Notes:

Thank ye kindly for reading.
Wow, that was mildly creepy! Interesting idea, it gives rise to lots of questions, like, is this why Setsuna is so devoted to Konoka? Are their feelings even real, given Setsuna's creation? And also What Measure Is A Nonhuman indeed....

The segments are really effective when you were describing bits and pieces of the doll Konoka was putting together, and when she named it, oh man....I had expected that maybe the mysterious woman named her child Setsuna in remembrance of that meeting, but then the last bit of the doll being taken away came up and I went, "Oh no....don't tell me...."

Are you planning on working this into a longer story after all, or is this just a one-shot?
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Old 2010-05-11, 22:42   Link #74
isagrimorie
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Originally Posted by Merctrin View Post
My brain is shot so instead of working on Taken Day by Day, here's a random oneshot that has nothing to do with anything! Okay, so that's not exactly true; this is a KonoSetsu friendship fic. Timeline should be pretty clear, and unless I've missed something, I haven't horribly violated canon.

Now, on to the fun!

Spoiler for Konoka's Doll:

Spoiler for Notes:

Thank ye kindly for reading.
Ooooh... now that's interesting, Setsuna as Konoka creation! And kind of creepy too...
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Old 2010-05-12, 23:28   Link #75
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Sorry for the long delay, I've been caught up with other fics . I cut this chapter short from my initial plan since it started getting really long!

Previous chapters
Love and Duty Come in Chains

Spoiler for Chapter 3:

Spoiler for Author's Note:


EDIT: I added a couple lines in Kyo's speech explaining why they didn't have guards at the Wards initially . I realized belatedly that I totally forgot to include it in an earlier part, hence why the Wallwards seemed like real idiots!

Last edited by deathcurse; 2010-05-13 at 00:52. Reason: Added a line to explain the lack of Wallward guards! :heh::)
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Old 2010-05-13, 00:42   Link #76
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Sorry for the long delay, I've been caught up with other fics . I cut this chapter short from my initial plan since it started getting really long!

Previous chapters
Love and Duty Come in Chains

Spoiler for Chapter 3:

Spoiler for Author's Note:
Hm. Yeah, I think I like Kyo. Could do without him being married to Konoka, but then I suppose he'd just be nice without much of a purpose. He's... likable. He was completely distressed last chapter when he yelled at Setsuna, but he was still able to keep himself from blaming her during the meeting. That's a very pleasant attitude to have. Hazan's good too, though I don't think she showed up this chapter.

Everyone else with the last name Wallward I could do without. They should have had better security. I mean, Kyo obviously understands what could happen when/if the wards collapse, so why can't the rest of his family get that their own guards should be equipped to deal with the failing of the wards? I'd tolerate any number Wallwards disliking Setsuna for her failure if they had done anything significant to help with security that would actually do something against demons.

Konoka's starting to get on my nerves, but... eh, no clue why at this point in time.

Setsuna going to Shizuna is a little odd, but only because I can't think of a single time they've interacted in canon. It makes sense for her to seek out a nurse for whatever fun heritage issues she might have (which I want to see more of very, very badly), but it still seems odd. Interesting though.

It was most wonderful to see Negi and Evangeline out and about. Negi's as pleasant as Kyo without being married to Konoka, and the world can only benefit from more Evangeline.

This wasn't really a happy chapter, but I like Setsuna angst that is not entirely related to Konoka, and there was Evangeline. So, fun fun fun all around, even if it isn't the sort of fun anyone within the story would be likely to appreciate. I'd ask for a speedy update, but considering my own practices...

Still, more ward issues/Setsuna-angst-fun is very much desired. Just so you know.
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Old 2010-05-13, 01:23   Link #77
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Sorry for the long delay, I've been caught up with other fics . I cut this chapter short from my initial plan since it started getting really long!

Previous chapters
Love and Duty Come in Chains

Spoiler for Chapter 3:

Spoiler for Author's Note:


EDIT: I added a couple lines in Kyo's speech explaining why they didn't have guards at the Wards initially . I realized belatedly that I totally forgot to include it in an earlier part, hence why the Wallwards seemed like real idiots!

Things are really beginning to move! A move to Mahora included! (Hee, I see you found a way to bring Mahora back into the picture!) and with that Negi and Evangeline!

I admit I d'awwwed at Negi and Asuna's reunion. Kyo remains an upstanding guy but the Wallward Matriarch? Yeaaaaaah. They might be powerful in their own right but considering the power house mages that are in the Kyoto Magic Association and their allies in Mahora she needs to bring her antagonism down a notch. I can see where Evangeline's scorn for the Wallwards are coming from, the Matriarch can point fingers all she wants but its not going to win her any friends (well, at least from this reader)

Just a note though... doesn't Eva still have a million dollar bounty on her head? The Headmaster only seem to inform people around his circle about Eva and never informed the other magical circles about Evangeline's whereabouts. I kind of don't see the Headmaster telling the Matriarch about Eva. If Eva's in her child form maybe the Wallwards won't figure out who she is?

(Oh, and just another thing, small nitpick-- Asuna's always referred to Evangeline as 'Eva-chan' much to Eva's eternal annoyance)

The ending with Shizuna and Setsuna: Heeee.... Setsuna, you drama ninja! And I guess, a divorced woman is a good person to ask about falling out of love!
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Old 2010-05-13, 03:02   Link #78
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Just a note though... doesn't Eva still have a million dollar bounty on her head? The Headmaster only seem to inform people around his circle about Eva and never informed the other magical circles about Evangeline's whereabouts. I kind of don't see the Headmaster telling the Matriarch about Eva. If Eva's in her child form maybe the Wallwards won't figure out who she is?

(Oh, and just another thing, small nitpick-- Asuna's always referred to Evangeline as 'Eva-chan' much to Eva's eternal annoyance)
It was six million dollars on her head. But that could have been changed to drachmas by now.

If I do my math correctly... that would be about 1 million drachmas in MM. But, I don't know anymore.
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Old 2010-05-13, 03:43   Link #79
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EDIT: I added a couple lines in Kyo's speech explaining why they didn't have guards at the Wards initially . I realized belatedly that I totally forgot to include it in an earlier part, hence why the Wallwards seemed like real idiots!
Ah, that makes more sense. I still think they could have prepared the guards they did have more thoroughly, but they no longer seem like complete idiots

So, since I'm still woefully stuck on Taken Day by Day, I thought I'd write a little of Setsuna's side of things from whatever convoluted universe Konoka's Doll exists in. Yay.

Spoiler for Setsuna's Friend:

Spoiler for Notes:

Much thanks for reading.
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Old 2010-05-13, 10:27   Link #80
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Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
Sorry for the long delay, I've been caught up with other fics . I cut this chapter short from my initial plan since it started getting really long!

Previous chapters
Love and Duty Come in Chains

Spoiler for Chapter 3:

Spoiler for Author's Note:


EDIT: I added a couple lines in Kyo's speech explaining why they didn't have guards at the Wards initially . I realized belatedly that I totally forgot to include it in an earlier part, hence why the Wallwards seemed like real idiots!
How did you know I was a Negi/Asuna shipper? Okay, I know it's not intended to be romantic (maybe), but still, I like to indulge.

Kyo continues to be a very sweet guy, even in the face of his family. He might not be in love with Konoka, but he definitely cares about her and Setsuna enough to step up and defend them. A nice additional touch in having Konoka rip apart the paper when Asuna nearly wrote down her abilities; it shows that she cares for her friend and doesn't want her to be in danger again, though knowing Asuna....

Speaking of Asuna, seems she's starting to catch on to what happened all those years ago. That.... won't end well.

Interesting to see that Setsuna is steadily becoming more demonlike with her heritage, from your hints. If I guessed, I'd say it probably started when she began to isolate herself further from her friends, and since she has a bit more angst and guilt to deal with (and she's matured more) since she was a teenager, it's manifesting itself more clearly than it ever did in the manga. Granted, that doesn't change the fact that I still want to slap her. I can't stand a character who feels like she's being lied to when someone says they care. You just lost points with me, Sets.
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