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Old 2010-10-08, 12:36   Link #161
RadiantBeam
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Moczo View Post
All right, here we go.

I'm actually nervous; this is the first chapter where Sakura gets some dialogue and development, and I know that if I didn't get her dead-on correct I will be harshly chastised.

Spoiler for Chaos Theory, Chapter Three:


Spoiler for Author's Note:
I somehow get the distinct feeling that this will not end well.... for Shirou. Because God knows how he loves to screw up people's plans. Especially Rin's.

Interesting to see that with the lack of Rin being around and acting as Shirou's partner, Saber has actually grown closer to Shirou as a result. A small change, somewhat similar to HF really, but it's all going back to your original idea of how small changes can shape the whole world. It'll be interesting to see how Saber develops from her exposure to Shirou under these conditions.

As for Sakura, I say your portrayal of her is fine. You capture her kindness and her love for Shirou, but you also hint that beneath it all she's got much deeper problems than anyone knows. So, I think you nailed her down perfectly. And yes, Shinji was most awesome. I loved to hate him in this chapter.

Also, can I just say I laughed out loud at how easily Saber lied to Sakura? There was something utterly priceless about it.
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Old 2010-10-08, 12:53   Link #162
Tiresias
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Moczo View Post
All right, here we go.

I'm actually nervous; this is the first chapter where Sakura gets some dialogue and development, and I know that if I didn't get her dead-on correct I will be harshly chastised.

Spoiler for Chaos Theory, Chapter Three:


Spoiler for Author's Note:
So the action begins. Hmm, nice. Sakura toying with Shirou was also kinda cute, in a twisted kind of way.

Just some things:
Spoiler for things:


Can't wait for Illya's active part in this . Oh this was so worth staying up past midnight
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Old 2010-10-08, 13:05   Link #163
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One change for the first Rin/Archer part:
Spoiler for Rin/Archer conversation:


Also, love that last quip of Archer's in the first part. Overall it was a great read.
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Old 2010-10-08, 13:58   Link #164
Haak
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It was really great, especially the comedy, but Sakura does seem a lot different here. When Sakura first saw Saber in Heaven's Feel, she was no where near as combatative (atleast not that I can recall).

Plus I think Rider referes to Shinji as 'Master', not Shinji.
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Old 2010-10-08, 16:06   Link #165
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Hmm, this is pretty good. There's one problem that I've noticed, though, with the scene where Sakura arrives.

Quote:
"Oh, you are up early!" Sakura said warmly, poking her head into the kitchen. The room seemed to get sunnier with her smile; Sakura Matou just had that sort of effect on the world. The younger sister of his middle-school friend, Shinji, Sakura was his kohai at school and a sort of surrogate little sister at everything else. And while he and Shinji had drifted apart, he and Sakura had only gotten closer over the years as she stopped by to help around the house more and more often, slowly but surely making herself part of the family. He really couldn't imagine life without her stopping by every day anymore; she was as much family as Fuji-nee was, and he could honestly say that if the two of them hadn't stepped in following the death of his father, he probably wouldn't be alive today.
This is wrong. Sakura didn't gradually get closer to him, at least in terms of coming around his house. If you remember HF, he injured himself a little over a year before the route and Sakura used that as an excuse to come around and look after him. He refused her help at first, so she just turned up and stood outside his house every day for about a week until he just gave up and let her help him and gave her a key. After that, she started coming over almost every day.

I can't remember the exact details of how they got to know each other now, but I'm certain that that is how Sakura came to start coming around his house, at least.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Haak View Post
It was really great, especially the comedy, but Sakura does seem a lot different here. When Sakura first saw Saber in Heaven's Feel, she was no where near as combatative (atleast not that I can recall).
Yeah, Sakura is being too aggressive here, I think. Remember that she is fully aware of what Saber is, and thus knows damn well that she's not going away in a hurry. So, there's no point in her pressing Shirou too hard about it. All that will mean is that he'll be more likely to refuse Saber's protection, which endangers him more.

Quote:
Plus I think Rider referes to Shinji as 'Master', not Shinji.
Yeah, she does. I mean, do you honestly think that Shinji wouldn't take the opportunity to force someone else to call him "Master"....
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Old 2010-10-08, 17:04   Link #166
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Thanks to everyone who reviewed, and I corrected all the straight-up mistakes...


Quote:
Originally Posted by Haak View Post
It was really great, especially the comedy, but Sakura does seem a lot different here. When Sakura first saw Saber in Heaven's Feel, she was no where near as combatative (atleast not that I can recall).

Plus I think Rider referes to Shinji as 'Master', not Shinji.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cherry_Lover View Post
Yeah, Sakura is being too aggressive here, I think. Remember that she is fully aware of what Saber is, and thus knows damn well that she's not going away in a hurry. So, there's no point in her pressing Shirou too hard about it. All that will mean is that he'll be more likely to refuse Saber's protection, which endangers him more.
Hmmm... I was going to justify this with the thought that the meeting circumstances are more 'incriminating' towards Shirou; she caught him with Saber and he acted like he had something to hide, he didn't bring Saber out and introduce her. No matter what she says or even thinks, a certain part of her is just irrationally mad that he had a girl she's never met apparently spend the night, regardless of the circumstances. ... Then I realized that I can't even remember how Saber and Sakura met in HF, so maybe I did make her too aggressive.

As to the second point, all I can say is that she never directly asks Saber to leave; she was mainly just trying to express her general disapproval, because she can't say what she really wants to say: 'Get rid of your command seals and get out of this war before my sister kills you'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GDB View Post
One change for the first Rin/Archer part:
Spoiler for Rin/Archer conversation:


Also, love that last quip of Archer's in the first part. Overall it was a great read.
While I appreciate the intent, the sad fact is that I think in English, with English pronouns. There is no way I could possibly remember to write dialogue like that the entire story...

Glad you enjoyed Archer, though. His interactions with Rin are amusing to me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
I somehow get the distinct feeling that this will not end well.... for Shirou. Because God knows how he loves to screw up people's plans. Especially Rin's.

Interesting to see that with the lack of Rin being around and acting as Shirou's partner, Saber has actually grown closer to Shirou as a result. A small change, somewhat similar to HF really, but it's all going back to your original idea of how small changes can shape the whole world. It'll be interesting to see how Saber develops from her exposure to Shirou under these conditions.

As for Sakura, I say your portrayal of her is fine. You capture her kindness and her love for Shirou, but you also hint that beneath it all she's got much deeper problems than anyone knows. So, I think you nailed her down perfectly. And yes, Shinji was most awesome. I loved to hate him in this chapter.

Also, can I just say I laughed out loud at how easily Saber lied to Sakura? There was something utterly priceless about it.
Things never end well for Shirou until the very end. He is not allowed to do anything awesome without ending up a half-blind cripple moving on sheer willpower because his brain is on fire or something crazy. As a result, a big tonkin' exploding sword is about to hit him.

I have noticed that in UBW too; at the beginning, when Rin's not around yet, Saber is much less formal and more open with Shirou. It's like something about Rin's presence makes her clam up for some reason...

Thanks! I might have made some small errors (see above) but I'm glad I got the spirit of the character down. This fic is not meant to bash anybody; I want to treat all the characters with respect except the ones who are just totally without redeeming qualities and thus sort of impossible to treat with respect. They know who they are. ... They're Shinji and Zouken.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tiresias View Post
So the action begins. Hmm, nice. Sakura toying with Shirou was also kinda cute, in a twisted kind of way.


Can't wait for Illya's active part in this . Oh this was so worth staying up past midnight
I thought so too. Shirou is just so fun to toy with, that even Sakura can't resist it a little bit.

Neither can I! I like Ilya, and I can't wait to start fitting her into things, but first I need to screw over Shirou a bit.

Last edited by Moczo; 2010-10-08 at 19:55.
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Old 2010-10-08, 21:10   Link #167
Altima of the Gates
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Quote:
As for Sakura, I say your portrayal of her is fine. You capture her kindness and her love for Shirou, but you also hint that beneath it all she's got much deeper problems than anyone knows. So, I think you nailed her down perfectly.
Yes, there are issues, but the main thing here is that in any situation, misunderstandings and the people who manipulate those misunderstandings are the root of all evil. It all cascades down a pit of fuckery. That is 60-70% of the problem there.

Nice job, here Moczo. Funny how Archer muses that killing off Shinji will be kind of beneficial to Sakura, and yet, he shows how dense he was in life by not realizing what killing Shirou at the same time will do.
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Old 2010-10-08, 21:25   Link #168
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Originally Posted by Altima of the Gates View Post
Nice job, here Moczo. Funny how Archer muses that killing off Shinji will be kind of beneficial to Sakura, and yet, he shows how dense he was in life by not realizing what killing Shirou at the same time will do.
To be fair, he probably knows. He just doesn't give a damn because he needs to do it to accomplish his goal.
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Old 2010-10-08, 21:30   Link #169
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Originally Posted by Altima of the Gates View Post
Funny how Archer muses that killing off Shinji will be kind of beneficial to Sakura, and yet, he shows how dense he was in life by not realizing what killing Shirou at the same time will do.
Hey, he did say it was personal. Presumably, after years of what would probably be considered traumatizing, underpaid work, you really don't care about things like that anymore.

On the other hand, since Archer's plan hasn't gone wrong quite yet, something's probably going to go wrong in the next *amount of time it takes him to fire the arrow*.
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Old 2010-10-08, 21:35   Link #170
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On the other hand, since Archer's plan hasn't gone wrong quite yet, something's probably going to go wrong in the next *amount of time it takes him to fire the arrow*.
Cue Berserker? And then Shinji crapping himself when he realizes just how utterly outgunned he is, and how many people are within striking distance that wouldn't mind seeing him dead?
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Old 2010-10-08, 21:40   Link #171
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Strangely, that would mean that Ilya's doing job at better job at what she set out to do than most of the other times that I can think of.
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Old 2010-10-08, 22:49   Link #172
Moczo
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All right, after a minor incident where I think the site achieved sentience and tried to eat my story for nutrients, the latest chapter is now up on FF.net.

EDIT:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Altima of the Gates View Post
Nice job, here Moczo. Funny how Archer muses that killing off Shinji will be kind of beneficial to Sakura, and yet, he shows how dense he was in life by not realizing what killing Shirou at the same time will do.
Well... look at it as less him asking the question as 'what would be the best option for Sakura?' and coming up with a very bad answer; and more asking the question 'Do I have any real reason not to kill Shinji when I kill everyone else?' and coming up with a resounding 'Nope'.

Last edited by Moczo; 2010-10-09 at 16:54.
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Old 2010-10-13, 22:53   Link #173
Moczo
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Spoiler for Chaos Theory, Chapter Four:


Spoiler for Author's Note::

Last edited by Moczo; 2010-10-14 at 11:52.
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Old 2010-10-13, 23:56   Link #174
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Originally Posted by Moczo View Post
Spoiler for Chaos Theory, Chapter Four:
Actually:
Spoiler for Hrunting / Beowulf:


Other than that, I enjoyed it. Definitely nice seeing some battle prowess from Archer against someone other than Caster.
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Old 2010-10-14, 03:53   Link #175
Tiresias
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Originally Posted by Moczo View Post
[...]
Very,very nice. Reading Archer's thought process as he modifies his weapon was a nice treat .

Hmm, about Hrunting, maybe he could just use a depowered Gae Bolg instead?

So I guess no new chapter for a while. Back to Infinity ? Or maybe Sette ?
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Old 2010-10-14, 06:00   Link #176
Moczo
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GDB View Post
Actually:
Spoiler for Hrunting / Beowulf:


Other than that, I enjoyed it. Definitely nice seeing some battle prowess from Archer against someone other than Caster.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tiresias View Post
Very,very nice. Reading Archer's thought process as he modifies his weapon was a nice treat .

Hmm, about Hrunting, maybe he could just use a depowered Gae Bolg instead?
All I have to say is: Hrunting was not chosen at random.


Quote:
So I guess no new chapter for a while. Back to Infinity ? Or maybe Sette ?
Definitely the former, since I have a chapter about, oh, 3/4 complete as we speak, and really need to sit down and finish it. Probably the latter too just since it has been awhile.


Posted the chapter to ff.net.
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Old 2010-10-14, 09:52   Link #177
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Moczo View Post
Spoiler for Chaos Theory, Chapter Four:


Spoiler for Author's Note::
I think "Oh, shit" sums this up very nicely. Especially since Ilya just let Berserker loose onto the battlefield. It seems she has no intention of killing Rin (and obviously, no intention of killing her boy), but I don't know if Shinji and Rider will be as lucky. Speaking of.... I took immense, hilarious pleasure out of seeing Shinji used as the universal punching bag. Even Rider got her hits in!

You know, if Shirou plays this right, he might still end up partnered to Rin yet. He pretty much saved her life a second time, and from a much more dangerous threat than his own Saber. She's going to feel like she owes him again, and so it continues....

A little thing, but it was a nice touch to see Archer feeling guilty for manipulating Saber. It still shows that deep down he's the same as when he was alive, even in spite of what's happened to him.
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Old 2010-10-14, 10:06   Link #178
GDB
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Yeah, but that still doesn't fix that Beowulf never killed anyone with it.
Not sure why the typemoon wiki seems to think he did, but the story itself specifically says that he threw it away after it was ineffective against her.
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Old 2010-10-14, 10:15   Link #179
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Yeah, but that still doesn't fix that Beowulf never killed anyone with it.
Not sure why the typemoon wiki seems to think he did, but the story itself specifically says that he threw it away after it was ineffective against her.
*Shrug*.

Nasu is well known for playing fast and loose with the legends he uses. To the best of my knowledge, there is no version of Arthurian Myth where King Arthur slays the entire enemy army with one strike from her sword that shoots lasers.
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Old 2010-10-14, 10:47   Link #180
Haak
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Spoiler for Chaos Theory, Chapter Four:


Spoiler for Author's Note::
Really impressive. One of things that annoyed me about Fate/Stay Night was that servants would only ever fight one on one, or atleast there would only be two sides. This massive battle really does seem like three sides with their own agenda's. It's becoming more of a Thirty Xanatos Pileup that I wished the original story had.

However, I do have one problem: Everyone here seems a lot smarter than in the game. I suppose that's probably a good thing (I forgot to mention this in the Game thread, but just so you know, even though i bashed Shirou a lot for being an idiot, I still ended up rather liking him) but it does kinda feel odd. I just don't get the same feel for these characters here than I did in the game, though perhaps that might simply suggest that we have different interpretations. There's a lot of taunting that goes on. I could understand Archer doing it because he did it for practical reasons but I can't imagine Rider doing it. Plus it's a lot harder for me to just accept that all the civilians don't have a clue what's going on. Surely someone must've noticed by now?

Oh and btw I think there's a typo in the third sentance in the last section;

Quote:
The girl might talk big, but unlike Ilya, who had no problem with death unless it happened to someone she actually liked, Rin was squeamish.
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