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Old 2011-02-12, 12:45   Link #61
Hiroi Sekai
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Many thanks for the honest criticism and opinion, zebra^^ I don't have time to expand upon your opinion at the moment, but I do appreciate it. I like your take on the story and as you said, there are many ways to view a story.


I'd like to remind everyone that by the 14th, you need to revise your entry (should you wish to) and write "Final Entry" on it. I'll be doing so for my entry this afternoon.
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Old 2011-02-12, 12:51   Link #62
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Mario "afternoon" and such are ambiguous. Please use timestamps. Preferably GMT+0 too.
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Old 2011-02-12, 13:09   Link #63
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Quote:
Originally Posted by felix View Post
Mario "afternoon" and such are ambiguous. Please use timestamps. Preferably GMT+0 too.
It's just a personal note; there's no reason to be precise. If you want to know when to post your final entry by, please read the first post. All times with timezone conversions are there.
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Old 2011-02-12, 13:56   Link #64
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@zebra, many thanks for the comments and critique. Sorry for the script like feel to it; my idea was to have different chapters follow different characters. In a chapters with Mao I might go all out narrative, in a chapter with one of the other main characters — I haven't reveal yet — I might go all out monologue. Kou is basically the talkative/interactive type hence the dialog, and also why I gave him the crappy situation and semi-crappy personality (makes for more interesting dialog).

Quote:
I also wonder why Rei let the folders out in the open. Was it on purpose to make Kou ask about the murders, or was he that stupid for the sake of the plot?
Rei appearing to have those documents there in view, like he wants someone to see them, is basically a failure in setting description on my part. I've managed to inject some hints in to make it more clear, thanks. Basically Rei's office is such a mess and cluttered with these things, he's also not very tidy; not that he has a place to put stuff. I could give you more details then the entry, but that's for later…

Quote:
But I feel the prologue lacks some spice and conclusion - specially as an entry in the contest.
I don't really expect to win; I don't even enter these contests with that in mind. It's mostly good initiative to write (in this case). So with that in mind, it makes sense for me to favor more stable writing then say more spiced up writing. Unless next months theme is too awkward I'll just continue the story; since I'm aiming for a sort of composite of short stories format.

Quote:
Should it be "sighed"?
Quote:
Joking?
Fixed. Thanks.

Quote:
Shouldn't it be "aside from the fact that she"?
Not necessarily. It's dialog, so more free-form. I'm going to leave it like that since it saves me 1 word.

Quote:
Also out of curiosity: what is a "kansai-ben"? I'd guess some sort of comedy skit from context (it doesn't hinder the understanding at all, just curious).
kensai-ben = Kansai dialect. The little joke is a little more in-depth and somewhat plot related then what you may think at first, but I didn't have space to write about it or even explain what exactly happened (maybe next time).
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Old 2011-02-12, 14:22   Link #65
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Quote:
Originally Posted by felix View Post
@zebraUnless next months theme is too awkward I'll just continue the story; since I'm aiming for a sort of composite of short stories format.
That's an interesting idea. But do you already have a story planned or are you planning to wing it as you go?
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Old 2011-02-12, 14:30   Link #66
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Originally Posted by lordshadowisle View Post
That's an interesting idea. But do you already have a story planned or are you planning to wing it as you go?
I have an end, main characters, key events and general direction for the story sketched in my head. Mostly yes, I'll wing it as I go along, since it's easier to figure out what works and what doesn't as you write; not to mention I don't really have a choice given the theme limitation.
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Old 2011-02-12, 14:40   Link #67
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Quote:
Originally Posted by felix View Post
I have an end, main characters, key events and general direction for the story sketched in my head. Mostly yes, I'll wing it as I go along, since it's easier to figure out what works and what doesn't as you write; not to mention I don't really have a choice given the theme limitation.
If the theme cuts you off, I'd love to see the rest of your story on a separate topic; a Fan Creations thread of your own or something. Don't let limitations stop you from finishing a good story.
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Old 2011-02-12, 15:07   Link #68
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Originally Posted by papermario13689 View Post
If the theme cuts you off, I'd love to see the rest of your story on a separate topic; a Fan Creations thread of your own or something. Don't let limitations stop you from finishing a good story.
Sorry but that's not really my style, … but I'll consider it. :P
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Old 2011-02-12, 15:18   Link #69
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zebra View Post

On
wassupimviet's submmission:
Spoiler for rant:
Oh crap, my head's welling up! I better go put some ice on that...

Thanks, zebra; the commentary is seriously appreciated. I'll just pretend that what you pulled out of the story was intentional.

@felix: I'll +1 papermario's suggestion there.
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Old 2011-02-12, 15:50   Link #70
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Quote:
Originally Posted by felix View Post
Sorry but that's not really my style, … but I'll consider it. :P
Whatever suits your style I'm glad to see at least parts of it through this at the least.
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Old 2011-02-13, 04:28   Link #71
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Originally Posted by zebra View Post
And they callend him BATMAN VIGILANTE!
Well it is the origin story of a hero after all. I still can't help but see a lot of similarities to many big and well known heroes that exist already. The monologue style didn't help that as it's often used in that kind of story, too.
But that's my only gripe with the story, if it's a gripe at all.

I like how you throw the readers into the middle of the action. I personally got sucked into it immediately. The style really is something!
We get one detail after another and everything mentioned gets explained later. Maybe there is too much explanation and some parts would work better if they were shorter and left more ambigious, but that's a question of preference and taste, I guess.

I enjoyed reading this one. Easy to read and a great flow. I have a knack for gritty stories like that anyway My favorite super hero is Batman after all So of course I find similarities ... specially since it's a normal guy who just uses his assets to fight crime, which is something I always like more than the simple "he has super powers".
Thanks Zebra for the praise. Regarding the story, on reflection it does seem that there's necessarily a lot of things in common with printed origin stories in comics. No way around it I guess?

Yeah, he's (almost!) BATMAN, but without so much money, and he doesn't wear his underwear on the outside. Nor does he wear a cape, that silly bat! Actually when I wrote the story I've tried to imagine how a superhero would be realized in the real world. AKA, when if I became a superhero how would I do it. You'll need to think out of the box, and cheat a lot.

Anyway, glad you've enjoyed it! I'll post an edited version later, but that contains only minor edits, so don't expect too much change. Also, good luck to all the other contestants, perhaps we'll even see some secret challengers appear.
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Old 2011-02-13, 04:31   Link #72
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Welp, I couldn't do much, but minor edits have been made. Final Draft-ed.
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Old 2011-02-13, 18:49   Link #73
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Quote:
Originally Posted by papermario13689 View Post
It's just a personal note; there's no reason to be precise. If you want to know when to post your final entry by, please read the first post. All times with timezone conversions are there.
I did. Couldn't find the timezone you specify in the list, there is a PST just not the one you mention. Please just do it like NightWish does, ie. counters; it's the best method.
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Old 2011-02-14, 04:26   Link #74
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Quote:
Originally Posted by felix View Post
I did. Couldn't find the timezone you specify in the list, there is a PST just not the one you mention. Please just do it like NightWish does, ie. counters; it's the best method.
Ah, good call. Thanks for the link, I'll update the first post.
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Old 2011-02-14, 04:31   Link #75
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Final Entry

FINAL ENTRY:
Run With Me
14.02.2011


Spoiler for Run With Me:
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Old 2011-02-14, 04:44   Link #76
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Genesis II

"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth."
Laughing a sick and somewhat desperate laugh, the man crumpled the sacred pages with both of his hands. He looked up to the heavens and exclaimed:

"Created the Earth?! Well then God, you tell me where the hell everybody disappeared to. Is this a sick joke, God? I'm telling you...I'M NOT LAUGHING!"

It had been 7 days now. The worst cycle of monophobia was beginning to rise from within the man, and he had finally broken down on the day of the Sabbath. He had no memories except for the fact that mankind had left him in this cruel world.

"Heh. Hehehehe. HAHAHA!" the man was literally almost in tears at this point.
"You know, it IS somewhat funny! Destroy all of humanity but physically leave the Earth behind...SICK, but funny."

With no options left, the man began to circle the mysterious garden where he had awoke. Lush trees with colourful fruits rose up from every inch, and it was all perfectly edible. The man had been feasting off of the fruit since awakening, but for an unexplainable reason, he would not eat the fruit from the center tree. There was nothing holding him back, but a sharp pain came to him whenever he even considered tasting the oddly shaped delectable.

"Another day of the same food. I can't stand this for much longer, but at least I'm not starving." the man took a bite of one of the fruits, looked at the skies and yelled:
"You hear me, God? I will defeat you and your sick world! You can't bring me down THAT easily!"

And the instant the last word escaped his mouth, the man fell into a state of deep sleep. He slept and he slept, and several hours passed before he awoke again.

"Ah, good. You're awake!"

The man heard it. The voice of a human, but to him, it was the voice of an angel. Turning around, he caught a glimpse of a young woman, standing nude without shame. Within a few seconds, the man cried heavy tears. The woman hunched over and consoled him without a second thought.

"O' great Lord, I thank thee!" he exclaimed.

The woman had no memories of her own, as the man quickly found out. Conversation was almost impossible as there was nothing to reminisce upon and nothing they had in common. Yet they lived in the magical garden, living off of the fruits that seemed to be infinite. But they never dared to touch the fruit from the center tree. It seemed that the woman shared his fear of the middle tree.

Living off of one source of food, nude and not knowing. This continued for several days; the same repetitive thing. The man was sick of it all, and his faith was almost on the brink of destruction. All he wished was to go back to his old lifestyle with his two sons and wife. While alone and deep in thought, the man heard a sinister voice.

"Ssssooo, you want to know what'sssss happened to your world?" slithered the slippery voice.

It was already too late, the man was beyond intrigued. Something about this voice wasn't right, but the seduction of knowledge rendered the man useless.

"Yes, yes! What had happened? How can I return?" he desperately asked.
"The fruitssssss on the tree in the middle. They hold the anssswer you sseeeek. Eat one, and you will know all."
"I don't know...there is something wrong with eating the fruit from that tree." said the man, not having a reason behind his claim.
"It'sssss fine...It'ssssss just sssssome fruit, ssssame as the otherssssss. It'ssssss the only way."

And with that said, the man was convinced. The woman was nowhere in sight, but that didn't matter. Slowly, he made his way to the center tree, and despite the sharp pain he felt, he plucked one of the fruits and took a large bite.


In an instant, it all came back.

"Where have you gone? It's time to eat!" shouted the woman.
With a booming voice, the man yelled: "EVE!"
"E-Eve? Is that...my name?" she shuddered.
"One bite of this fruit and you shall know all."

And without hesitation, she took a bite.
The only word she could tearfully speak a second later was: "ADAM!"

Their memories had returned. Adam and Eve patched together coverings from fig leaves, now ashamed of their nude skin. It was odd, but Adam thought he could hear a sinister laugh slithering away.

"Eve, you remember! You truly...re..mem.."

And with that, the man dropped. Comatose, but not dead.

In shock, the woman began to scream for her husband. "ADAM! A...DA..."

And the woman immediately joined him.

"W-WHA! WHAT IS THIS?!"

A strong jolt awoke the man and he was in the garden, alone. There was nobody in sight, and all he clutched in his hand were the sacred pages of God's word.

"W-where is everyone? Am I the only one?!" he cried.

The wind carried a declaration from the Almighty, and Adam swore he heard it.
"Thou shalt not eat the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil."



FINAL ENTRY.
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Old 2011-02-14, 05:01   Link #77
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My entry is final. Won't just repost it as I'd prefer to avoid duplication.
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Old 2011-02-14, 05:05   Link #78
Hiroi Sekai
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Quote:
Originally Posted by felix View Post
My entry is final. Won't just repost it as I'd prefer to avoid duplication.
That works just as well, thanks for posting.
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Old 2011-02-14, 05:09   Link #79
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Ohoh looking forward to all the final entries! You guys gave me some nice reads already!

Good luck everyone :3


@felix, the short description you inserted actually helps. Not just in terms of making sense, but also in picturing the scene and Rei better. It's not an empty room anymore.
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Old 2011-02-14, 06:38   Link #80
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Right then! Final draft is here.
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