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Old 2011-03-10, 21:09   Link #21
Asuras
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I greatly enjoy the premise. Post-apocalyptic wars always seem to hit it strong in my mind.

Though I can find one major grammatical error. If I'm not mistaken, short stories are written in past-tense. all throughout your dialogue sections, you wrote in present tense.

Quote:
Originally Posted by felix View Post
Kou pauses and appears reluctant.
I believe it should be,

"Kou paused and appeared reluctant."
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Old 2011-03-11, 05:17   Link #22
felix
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Asuras View Post
If I'm not mistaken, short stories are written in past-tense. all throughout your dialogue sections, you wrote in present tense.

I believe it should be,

"Kou paused and appeared reluctant."
Only in story telling. Dialog can have either, however present tense is usually accompanied by first person as well. Anyway your version sounds better, I edited and fixed it. Thanks.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Asuras View Post
I greatly enjoy the premise. Post-apocalyptic wars always seem to hit it strong in my mind.
Thank you. I'll keep that in mind for some of the plot that comes later.
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Old 2011-03-11, 05:55   Link #23
Hiroi Sekai
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I liked it, felix^^ Looks like you managed to continue the story from last month without any problems.

As for your previous post, is there anything you want clarified for my story? I'm curious about what part confused you. Admittingly, I didn't spend a ton of time on writing on the entry itself. XD
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Old 2011-03-11, 06:09   Link #24
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Well, let me see… the way I read it, the idea there is that the guy kills his wife as she is about to give birth to his daughter with those hospital electrocution things right? And then commits suicide outside the hospital? All the present to past switching got me all confused, so how wrong did I understand it? Also, initially I thought it was some boxing things; by initially I mean in the first few sentences.
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Old 2011-03-11, 06:34   Link #25
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Whoa, what a way to read things.

I think this is the progression of things: the pregnancy has complications, leading to the deaths of both the mother and the child. The man spends three months with no one to turn to for support and comfort, snaps, and then commits suicide in the way shown there.
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Old 2011-03-11, 07:04   Link #26
Hiroi Sekai
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Never assume a presumption is wrong - I personally was fascinated by your take on the story.^^ Of course, the intentional message...the man had a blissful life until his wife had a miscarriage and died along with the baby. Throughout the period of several days, he slowly loses his sanity and turns to society in an attempt to salvage the last of his strength. Sadly, he doesn't find any support, and slowly loses his sanity. At the final point, he's cornered to the bridge. When one man boldly steps up to the armed man to show his empathy, the irony comes forth, and the man has already fallen to his death. He catches a glimpse of the bold man's eyes and the empathy they contained before he falls.
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Old 2011-03-11, 08:13   Link #27
lordshadowisle
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Since there are too many excellent works this time round, I've had no choice but to turn in something really bad. I hope to hit the spot where it's bad enough to actually be good.

Also, if your eyes start bleeding after reading this, please seek medical attention.

Spoiler for =):

Last edited by lordshadowisle; 2011-03-14 at 10:31. Reason: Caught an error.
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Old 2011-03-11, 08:18   Link #28
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Quote:
Originally Posted by papermario13689 View Post
Never assume a presumption is wrong - I personally was fascinated by your take on the story.^^ Of course, the intentional message...the man had a blissful life until his wife had a miscarriage and died along with the baby. Throughout the period of several days, he slowly loses his sanity and turns to society in an attempt to salvage the last of his strength. Sadly, he doesn't find any support, and slowly loses his sanity. At the final point, he's cornered to the bridge. When one man boldly steps up to the armed man to show his empathy, the irony comes forth, and the man has already fallen to his death. He catches a glimpse of the bold man's eyes and the empathy they contained before he falls.
That's what I interpreted as well. Only after the second reading, though. I was thoroughly confused the first time I think I didn't notice the time shifts at first. WHich I find pretty stupid of me now

But I agree different interpretations are always great, even - or maybe especially - when they differ from the original 'meant to be' message.
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Old 2011-03-11, 10:59   Link #29
Asuras
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After reading through Mario's entry myself, I actually find my interpretation to be quite on the spot for his own description. I like the idea, and personally, I can follow the flashbacks with relative ease. I can only find one problem through my (phone ) read: I think you may have used the word 'railing' too many times. Maybe find a different word or description for the structure?
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Old 2011-03-11, 17:53   Link #30
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@lordshadowisle, that was a funny story, I got a good laugh near the end, and also got some sympathy for the devil. Unless I understood this one wrong as well, the protagonist (excluding the devil as protagonist of course) is one of those dim wit male leads in a harem show, yes? My initial complaint about it was "blind fanservice? eww, that's worse then normal one" but given you've made use of it as a plot device I have no problem with it.
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Old 2011-03-11, 18:25   Link #31
Asuras
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@wassupimviet

I greatly enjoyed your entry. The detail and finesse of your writing sounded magnificent, and the mere fact that I had to whip out a dictionary topped the icing on the cake. The turmoil (or conflict) going on through the kings head seemed real; like this was the tale of an actual king in the past. The darkness within both the battlefield and the black bird gave off a true feeling of dread.

Great job.
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Old 2011-03-11, 20:10   Link #32
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Quote:
Originally Posted by felix View Post
@lordshadowisle, that was a funny story, I got a good laugh near the end, and also got some sympathy for the devil. Unless I understood this one wrong as well, the protagonist (excluding the devil as protagonist of course) is one of those dim wit male leads in a harem show, yes? My initial complaint about it was "blind fanservice? eww, that's worse then normal one" but given you've made use of it as a plot device I have no problem with it.
Yes, you are right. There's no logical reason behind harem protagonist mojo, there has to be some dark magic at work behind it all!

Anyway, regarding the blind fanservice, well.. Actually I found that writing this was more enjoyable (or cathartic) than usual. Things become much easier once you don't have to bother about silly things like plot, characterization, presentation !

Spoiler for PS:
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Old 2011-03-11, 20:36   Link #33
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@Felix

The history and background were interesting to read, though I think you can still make it sound more like a textbook. But it's also possible that it's not a textbook, since the contents are only referred to as "trivia". A book title would make things clearer, eg "Historical Perspectives from the Great War" vs "100 Facts from the Past".

Regarding the barriers and the Velocity-Altering technology, I think it's good that you mentioned some obvious ways to subvert the fields and how these methods were unsuccessful, hence warfare regressed to primitive methods. It helps a lot to make the setting believable since the nagging doubts are preempted. Though personally, I don't quite think people will regress to swords and steel; from my own point of view tanks are still viable weapons; no amount of spearmen can possibly destroy a tank! No firepower is okay, we'll just use them as land ironclads, run over any resistance, and if there's another tank we'll duke out with ramming speed.
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Old 2011-03-11, 20:44   Link #34
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lordshadowisle View Post
Also, if your eyes start bleeding after reading this, please seek medical attention.

Spoiler for =):
A high degree of amusement has been reached.

TAKE THE TSUNDERE.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Asuras View Post
@wassupimviet

*praise*
*goes dere*

W-well, it's not like I..did it for you or anything like that...
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Old 2011-03-11, 20:51   Link #35
Asuras
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I think I'll actually put in my own one cent.

Title will be "The Button."
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Old 2011-03-11, 21:33   Link #36
Asuras
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Spoiler for The Button:


Quick-write. 840 words.
Constructive criticism appreciated.
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Old 2011-03-11, 22:10   Link #37
Hooves
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lordshadowisle View Post
Since there are too many excellent works this time round, I've had no choice but to turn in something really bad. I hope to hit the spot where it's bad enough to actually be good.

Also, if your eyes start bleeding after reading this, please seek medical attention.

Spoiler for =):
o.o....... Arata sure is...... perverted to no limits with all those desires... But certainly a good and funny read there
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Old 2011-03-12, 10:29   Link #38
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This is my entry:

Spoiler for Sandcastles:


139 words in total. Not my best. But I thought someone should write some poetry.
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Old 2011-03-12, 11:15   Link #39
lordshadowisle
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@ Papermario

The story is interesting, and does say or allude to a lot with very few words. It's a very efficient piece, the story can be deduced after careful reading. At the same time though, because it's written in this way many details are missing thus it may feel incomplete (basically, the story is interesting enough for me to want more answers).

@ AtomicoX

Good job with the story, the Colonel's internal conflict is well illustrated. It's almost certainly better than my original story, which is the same plot except that mine is told from the pov of the soldiers. Unfortunately for your story I could more or less guess the ending, hence there's not so much of a kick when I finished reading it.
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Old 2011-03-13, 05:22   Link #40
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lordshadowisle View Post
Unfortunately for your story I could more or less guess the ending, hence there's not so much of a kick when I finished reading it.
True, it isn't much of a twist and I didn't really know how to do it any other way. It's actually a bad habit of mine.

Either way, small stuff has been corrected and since I don't want to dwell on it:

FINAL ENTRY
Spoiler for Decisions:
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