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Old 2011-03-13, 06:02   Link #41
felix
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Since I might be busy the next few days, also final entry.
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Old 2011-03-13, 09:53   Link #42
zebra
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lordshadowisle View Post
Since there are too many excellent works this time round, I've had no choice but to turn in something really bad. I hope to hit the spot where it's bad enough to actually be good.

Also, if your eyes start bleeding after reading this, please seek medical attention.

Spoiler for =):
Reading the first sentence you presented a personal turn off of mine ... the word MECHA.
Thankfully I didn't zone out right there!
I'm really glad you wrote something with an amusing side to it mainly, since I like to read funny stories like that myself anyway. I'm not a big fan of these harem wusses, so the parody you threw in was well received. I really liked the devil That I happened to have the song "devil on my shoulder" playing in my headphones when I read it added comedy on my part.
The comedy in the framework didn't hit home as much as the main part with the devil for me, but I smiled at realizing he'll be stuck in an endless limbo of moe if he doesn't settle for a scenario

Quote:
Originally Posted by felix View Post
Emperor of One

Origins, File 10

[...]
Just like with papermario's "*pant*" I don't like the inserts like "(sarcastic)". I'm traditional like that, I guess It's a matter of style but it personally always breaks the fourth wall for me so I don't like it unless it's a script for a play or something.
If "sight" is meant as sighing and not looking, it has to be either "sigh" or "sighs", I think.

Other than that I like how you continue the story, but! I don't like how long the first historical part is. Again it's my personal preference, but the chapter kind of read like another introduction instead of a continuation. I felt like the chapter ended where it truly began. I personally waited for the plot and characters to get on, but it ended right when it seemed like I'd get that. It was fine like that in the previous chapter, but this time I felt dissatisfied by it.

However, I still like the details and the way you decribe the world. I saw some scenes very vividly in my mind, so I enjoyed it. I'm just one of these people that need plot and characters first before I get interested in the world they play around in.

Totally unrelated, but I had to chuckle about that you named the librarian Isolde XD An old friend of my late grandmother was named like that. It's a rather old fashioned name, but I kind of like the contrast it creates with the futuristic setting on second thought. Specially since I mostly hear the name in context of medieval stuff. Might be totally unintentional, but it has that effect to my german ears

Quote:
Originally Posted by Asuras View Post
Spoiler for The Button:


Quick-write. 840 words.
Constructive criticism appreciated.
An old conflict and one that's been done often before, but I still like your way of tackling it. The simplifying of just one press of the button - nice metaphor. It's what I liked the most.

Quote:
Originally Posted by shelter View Post
This is my entry:

Spoiler for Sandcastles:


139 words in total. Not my best. But I thought someone should write some poetry.
Honestly, I liked your previous entry more, but yay poetry! I still liked it, specially the last paragraph. It's really nice how the verses slowly ebb away. Really nice detail.
This time there are more different interpretations that form themselves inside of me, too.
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Old 2011-03-13, 10:47   Link #43
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Slight changes and rewording here and there.
Spoiler for Flickering Light v2:
~Final Entry~
1274 words, says the Java thing.

--

I'm kinda unsure about the tenses in this part:
Quote:
Maybe I should have some tea once I arrive? But I tend to forget about it until it has steeped for so long that it has turned too bitter to enjoy.
I first had it in present and simple past, but then I started to think about it (always bad! xD). Any corrections?
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Old 2011-03-13, 11:16   Link #44
felix
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lordshadowisle View Post
The history and background were interesting to read, though I think you can still make it sound more like a textbook. But it's also possible that it's not a textbook, since the contents are only referred to as "trivia". A book title would make things clearer, eg "Historical Perspectives from the Great War" vs "100 Facts from the Past".
Yeah, I had it more technical and methodical initially. To get it within limits I had to trim some things off. I'll give it some time and do a pass on it later when I can take in any errors or miswrites better. Incidentally it's suppose to be a extract from a magazine but I think I may re-phrase it to be something else that makes more sense.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lordshadowisle View Post
Regarding the barriers and the Velocity-Altering technology, I think it's good that you mentioned some obvious ways to subvert the fields and how these methods were unsuccessful, hence warfare regressed to primitive methods. It helps a lot to make the setting believable since the nagging doubts are preempted. Though personally, I don't quite think people will regress to swords and steel; from my own point of view tanks are still viable weapons; no amount of spearmen can possibly destroy a tank! No firepower is okay, we'll just use them as land ironclads, run over any resistance, and if there's another tank we'll duke out with ramming speed.
My history knowhow is a little shady, but as I recall tanks were initially developed as exactly what you describe: armored tractors that could run over defense lines such as barb wire, and trenches, spearheading troupes. They were initially used in WW1 when trench warfare and defensive emplacements were the new way to wage war. Anyway as far as I know, after the initial scare factor they gad died down, people found any idiot could walk to a tank (since they were and still are relatively slow) and just throw a grenade inside it, or gas the occupants or throw fire at the exhaust. The cost to fail ratio is not so good. Anyway, in WW2 when this started to happen what you had was either soldiers near the tanks or relatively early on tanks started to sprout machine guns. You had the usual side ones and the iconic one at top.

Anyway back to the setting at hand. Take the machine guns away and the tanks have their old early WW2 and WW1 short comings, so technically they're not cost effective. But even if there was some way to make them viable, you can be sure I would just write it to appear it's not viable.

My intent with the setting was fairly simple. First, I wanted to make things interesting and accessible. Things flying at mach nine and launching a missile from 100,000km's way is not as interesting as say giant flying robots accelerating to supersonic speeds only to get slowed to normal speeds when entering each others fields and clashing swords midair. Similarly with the skill factor, any idiot could point a gun and push the trigger, I wanted something where you could have the status of a ace and not just the typical green or veteran skill difference. And secondly, I needed something to make the setting have it's own flavor, so yeah I could bring in tanks somehow I just don't want to in a way they are no different then they are now. Personally I'm happy at the moment with the VAT system. It certainly opens up a lot of possible story directions and closes a lot of cliche or boring ones.

Quote:
Originally Posted by zebra View Post
Just like with papermario's "*pant*" I don't like the inserts like "(sarcastic)". I'm traditional like that, I guess It's a matter of style but it personally always breaks the fourth wall for me so I don't like it unless it's a script for a play or something.
Point taken. It's removed now. Though I'll keep things like noises or very subtle gestures; unfortunately they are very short compared to the alternative action tags.

Quote:
Originally Posted by zebra View Post
If "sight" is meant as sighing and not looking, it has to be either "sigh" or "sighs", I think.
Hehe, one of my many common typos. Fix'ed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by zebra View Post
Other than that I like how you continue the story, but! I don't like how long the first historical part is. Again it's my personal preference, but the chapter kind of read like another introduction instead of a continuation. I felt like the chapter ended where it truly began. I personally waited for the plot and characters to get on, but it ended right when it seemed like I'd get that. It was fine like that in the previous chapter, but this time I felt dissatisfied by it.

However, I still like the details and the way you decribe the world. I saw some scenes very vividly in my mind, so I enjoyed it. I'm just one of these people that need plot and characters first before I get interested in the world they play around in.
Yes, however unfortunate, the part had to be told to complete the previous one (ie. the introduction to the world), so I just got it out. Sadly the limits are what they are, as much as I don't like it, so the second part ends up being cut short. Oh well, I'll need to try harder next time; but with the setting complete I can get on with the story with out worrying about throwing random explanations—I'm not a fan of the whole deus ex machina style of story telling where you just throw out information when it's convenient.

Continuing a story from a previous one is a little bit harder then it looks. But even with the bumps I'll just carry on. I guess some things you can't get right until you get it wrong.

Quote:
Originally Posted by zebra View Post
Totally unrelated, but I had to chuckle about that you named the librarian Isolde XD An old friend of my late grandmother was named like that. It's a rather old fashioned name, but I kind of like the contrast it creates with the futuristic setting on second thought. Specially since I mostly hear the name in context of medieval stuff. Might be totally unintentional, but it has that effect to my german ears
It's a very old name indeed. I borrowed the name from the play "Tristan and Isolde." The name means "fair lady" which fits well with the character. I wanted to have a princess like character to rub some good into the main character, since part of feedback I received last time was the main character came out a tad too much of a brat. I've fixed some of this in the re-writes on the old one as well.
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Old 2011-03-13, 14:40   Link #45
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zebra View Post
I'm kinda unsure about the tenses in this part:I first had it in present and simple past, but then I started to think about it (always bad! xD). Any corrections?
As it is now looks grammatically correct to me, but I'll tack on a side note about how I like the repetition it makes with a previous line.
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Old 2011-03-13, 23:56   Link #46
Hiroi Sekai
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Spoiler for One Man:

Made edits and posting this as my final entry.
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Old 2011-03-14, 01:18   Link #47
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Thar she blows, that elusive final edit.
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Old 2011-03-14, 10:41   Link #48
lordshadowisle
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No changes except for one omitted word. ~F-final Entry~

At this point nobody seems to have detected the secret awesome secret hidden inside. Well, we'll see =)
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Old 2011-03-14, 22:06   Link #49
shelter
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Final Entry:


Spoiler for Sandcastles:


148 words
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Old 2011-03-14, 23:00   Link #50
Hiroi Sekai
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Thanks, everyone; I enjoyed reading all the interesting stories.

Just a warning yet again, you have 3 hours to post your final entry if you haven't done so yet.


So far I have final entries from:

shelter
lordshadowisle
wassupimviet
papermario13689
zebra
felix
AtomicoX
Illusore
The_Seth
...and with that post comes Asuras. We've come full circle; good luck to everyone!
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Last edited by Hiroi Sekai; 2011-03-15 at 00:50.
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Old 2011-03-15, 00:49   Link #51
Asuras
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My only version is my final post. I've got to go to bed, so I can't really put in some final edits.
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Old 2011-03-15, 01:25   Link #52
lordshadowisle
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@ Papermario

Considering that there are ten entries this time, how many votes should each voter have? I recall that each person had only one vote as there were too few (6 I believe) entries previously.
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