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Old 2011-02-27, 10:23   Link #9281
Wild Goose
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Hmmmm.

I think it's a bit wordy but it gets the job done. I cheat with Franz because his barrier jacket works off an existing form of clothing.
Spoiler for my take:


Note the difference? Still, in the end, these things boil down to style.

All I can say is that to improve as a writer you need to read alot. Clancy, Weber, Ringo, classical authors, Griffin - these are good for building descriptiveness when discussing charecters.

Another approach is to describe the charecter (A) from another person's (B) perspective:

Spoiler for Other POV:
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Old 2011-02-27, 13:07   Link #9282
Rising Dragon
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Never really could get into Clancy, and I haven't heard of the other authors, but I'll see what I can do. For most OC appearances I was already describing them from another person's POV, it's just for the first use of Roas' Barrier Jacket, there was no one else's perspective I could use. But I'll read around and see how I can improve on the description. Thanks for the advice! If anyone else has any advice to share, I'd love to hear it.
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Old 2011-02-27, 22:03   Link #9283
Wild Goose
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David Weber - Mil-SF author, best known for the Honor Harrington series. Tends to describe things in 2 ways: setting infodump, and a single concise description that's then occasionally reinforced.

John Ringo - Mil-SF author. Quite entertaining. The Prince Roger and Vorpal Blade series are excellent looks at small unit life and conversations. (The Paladin of Shadows series.... there's a reason Ringo called it his personal wank piece, never to see light of day. Jim Baen and the forumites at Baen's Bar overruled him.)

W.E.B. Griffin - author with several series: Brotherhood of War, The Corps, Men At War, Badge of Honor and most recently the Presidential Agent series. Is capable of summing up concisely what happened before so that no matter which book you start with, you have a working idea of what's going on.
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Old 2011-03-05, 14:08   Link #9284
Tempy
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Oh hey look.

Spoiler for Side Dish X1:
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Old 2011-03-05, 16:36   Link #9285
Keroko
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tempy View Post
Oh hey look.

Spoiler for Side Dish X1:
I really like Kevin. He's a cook without special powers, but he manages to be an awesome character nonetheless.

Also, whoo-yeah, Material-A was used in a Side Dish! Let's celebrate with a sketch of the young Material-A:

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Old 2011-03-06, 06:24   Link #9286
Nya~n
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Daddy issues. HOT.


aaaaaand i make a return after not stepping in asuki for over 2 months. good to be home~
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Old 2011-03-06, 23:52   Link #9287
Wild Goose
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...I'm displaying a tremendous lack of Side Dish knowledge, but who's Material-A? Last I knew, the LSD girls were adopted by Kevin...

...Keroko-copy, perhaps?

...seconding Nya~n's comments, especially in light of the unfortunate bit of news i've found that in Japan, side dish is also a slang term for an aid towards fapping or someone that a person faps to.

...in other words, Kevin is Athena's side dish...

*Goose is shot repeatedly*
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Old 2011-03-06, 23:54   Link #9288
itanshi1
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Yeah, the term in japanese is Okazu, is not flattering
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Old 2011-03-07, 02:40   Link #9289
Keroko
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Originally Posted by Wild Goose View Post
...Keroko-copy, perhaps?
Yup, made in a fit of 'what the heck' and grew into an actual character.
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Old 2011-03-07, 04:32   Link #9290
MeisterBabylon
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I wonder which Keroko creation besides Keroko wasn't a fit-of-the-moment-turned-official OC?
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Old 2011-03-07, 05:33   Link #9291
Keroko
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Tesla. Beyond her, everything was brainspin-turned-official. Eden, Alistina, Rita, even Syn.
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Old 2011-03-07, 07:19   Link #9292
MeisterBabylon
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I have to add though, Tesla is the "in-between" in terms of spin. After she was created, much crack was used in her development. Like Griffith. Maybe she set the precedent, and every other OC after her were not just developed with crack, but born with crack.
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Old 2011-03-09, 02:09   Link #9293
Rising Dragon
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Well then, here goes. Crosspost from the FFT--I'll post the intro to the chapter with it as well (it's the same as the teaser I posted some time back). I'll get the character profiles for the OCs up eventually, when I have a scanner that I can actually work with.

Spoiler for Chapter 1 Intro:


MAGICAL GIRL LYRICAL NANOHA:
THE COLLARED


CHAPTER ONE:
A Nonexistent Choice

Spoiler for Chapter 1 Scene 1:
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Last edited by Rising Dragon; 2011-03-09 at 13:44.
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Old 2011-03-09, 21:52   Link #9294
Rising Dragon
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Spoiler for Chapter 1 Scene 2:
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Old 2011-03-11, 22:39   Link #9295
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Spoiler for Chapter 1 Scene 3:
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Old 2011-03-12, 21:18   Link #9296
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Spoiler for Chapter 1 Scene 4:
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Old 2011-03-15, 12:27   Link #9297
Keroko
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rising Dragon View Post
Well then, here goes. Crosspost from the FFT--I'll post the intro to the chapter with it as well (it's the same as the teaser I posted some time back). I'll get the character profiles for the OCs up eventually, when I have a scanner that I can actually work with.

Spoiler for Chapter 1 Intro:


MAGICAL GIRL LYRICAL NANOHA:
THE COLLARED


CHAPTER ONE:
A Nonexistent Choice

Spoiler for Chapter 1 Scene 1:
Long fic is long. I'm going to do this in chapters so that I can read everything at a steady pace and make a concrete reply instead of rushing through everything. Bluecheesium of this caliber is rare these days, so it should be treasured.

Not all that much to say about the first chapter. It's an establishing chapter, so there's obviously not much action going on. The prologue does a nice job at raising interest, so points for that. There's a few OC's -in fact, only OC's- dumped on you in the first chapter, but there's a good introduction for them. The mercenary and his girlfriend are explained decently, though Roas could benefit from a little more in-dept explanation why people are so nervous of him. He's a mercenary from Exavil, but why does that make people nervous? Shouldn't they feel safer with a mercenary around? He's not against them, after all.

Beyond that, a good introduction. World established, groundwork for characters established, and a plot waiting to hatch.
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Old 2011-03-15, 12:55   Link #9298
Rising Dragon
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I've actually got a couple more scenes to post up; just two more and the chapter'll be complete. So yeah, it's long enough as it is, so I'll need to establish the nervousness about Roas in the second chapter. I hadn't thought about it much, really, so it's a good point. But considering the subject of the next chapter, it'd be better off posted there rather than in this chapter, length aside.
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Old 2011-03-15, 15:57   Link #9299
Keroko
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rising Dragon View Post
Spoiler for Chapter 1 Scene 2:
A couple of background errors here, nothing plot-devastating but you might want to take a look at it. Viewscreens are more technology than magic. We see Regius summon a viewscreen in StrikerS, so as long as the technology is present the secretary should be able to do so as well.

Another bit is that the bureau did use cartridges before A's. Subaru's revolver knuckle was used by Quint for a long time after all. It also shows that an advanced AI is not needed for cartridge systems. Revolver Knuckle has no AI at all.

Moving on to the other parts tomorrow.
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Old 2011-03-15, 16:18   Link #9300
Rising Dragon
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Hmm, okay, thought the screens were magic only. I'll correct that. And yes, I knew the Bureau had used cartridges before, what I was getting across is that they generally didn't use them with Intelligent Devices (at least for my story's purpose, but IIRC we haven't seen anyone else using an ID and cartridges together before A's). I thought Revolver Knuckle had an AI while Quint was using it, though.

But that does shoot holes in my justification for keeping Roas from the cartridge system so early in the story, as he was supposed to get one later. Guess I'll need to put some more thought into that.
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