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Old 2011-04-01, 03:33   Link #1
Hiroi Sekai
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EMDAS 2011 - April (Opposites Attract!) Entry Thread


Welcome to the April EMDAS Writing Competition!(Rules - READ FIRST!)
Theme: Opposites Attract!

"The darkest nights bring the brightest days."
Rick Beneteau
This month's theme is "Opposites Attract"! "The story must contain two characters or things which are the total opposites of each other but are drawn to each other nevertheless - or are forced to work together."

Entries! (April 1-15)
For the first two weeks of the competition, all entrants may post their draft entries on this page and receive suggestions and criticism without any consequences. Nothing posted during this entry period will be taken as your final entry. Constant posting of small edits and similar drafts are frowned against, as it clutters up the pages and gets in the way of other entries.

By 11:59:59 PM of April 14th, you must post your final entry on this page with the words: "Final Entry" included in large bold letters included after your entry. If you've already posted a draft and edited it from there, please re-post your final entry as a new post. This makes it easier to find and organize.
The time zone being used here is Pacific Standard Time (PST). Use this counter to see how much time you have left.

This will become your entry for the month, and can no longer be edited - no exceptions! Be very sure to proofread and edit your entry completely before taking this final step. To emphasize, only write Final Entry on your piece once you're 100% sure it is perfect. Once you write those bold words on your project, your entry will be taken "as is" at that point and no further editing will be allowed.
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Old 2011-04-08, 04:29   Link #2
shelter
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1st Draft (Poetry)
"Nur Hilya"
08 April


Spoiler for Nur Hilya (1st Draft):



NOTE: I realize I might be breaking some EMDAS Competition rules by posting this. But I hope PM will allow me to keep the poem to stay on the entries page as I try to edit it into a form that doesn't include non-English phrases.
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Old 2011-04-08, 04:33   Link #3
Hiroi Sekai
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I actually like your take on this piece of writing, nice work.

Don't worry, I won't ever take down something because of that; it's only if you enter the final draft in a fashion that breaks rules that will result in a disqualification. There shouldn't be any removals nonetheless.
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Old 2011-04-08, 09:07   Link #4
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Concerning that rule, if the text is simply not meant to be understood (or the true meaning is not in the words themselves) like if it’s in giberish or some kind of latin-like language, would that be considered breaking the rules. And I don’t mean the entire entry would be in that language, but rather small bits here and there like a magic chant, moto or simply the name of something.
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Old 2011-04-08, 11:30   Link #5
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People seem to love my theme, huh?
I was quite busy with work and this weird thing called social life, but I finally had an idea I like, so I guess I will contribute this month again!

@shelter, I really liked that! I have to admit the foreign language threw me off here and there, but it also highlights the lack of understanding between the two.
For a moment I thought it was a Phillipine language, but it's actual Malay isn't it? Is the "buoy" Malay as well?

(However, I did understand it's about a Christian and a Muslim before I looked up what the lines mean ;D)

I also really like that it ends with them resuming their joined meal, really neat.
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Old 2011-04-08, 12:00   Link #6
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@shelter

Really good entry there. I don't think that the Malay words mar understanding, but then again you can probably mirror the phrasing again in English.

I have my suspicions that there's something more deeply personal behind the work, but my guesses are rubbish so I could be wrong.
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Old 2011-04-08, 20:55   Link #7
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Thanks for the comments. I'm glad that I've not been universally questioned for using a 'different' language.

@zebra: Yes it is actual Malay up to the point that I can phrase it. Some of it is colloquial. And no, the "buoy" is a typo Thanks for pointing that out. Looking forward to reading your entry too.


@lordshadowisle: To me, all poetry is personal. Makes it easier and more enjoyable to write
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Old 2011-04-11, 21:16   Link #8
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The word limit is such a damn pain. No miracles this time. I had to write chapter, then skipped forward and somehow made a chapter that barely stands on it’s own, grr. And no, I did not rename the story (again) this is another one. And if you think I droped Emperor of One this round, you’re wrong, this thing here is a prequel! HA! And I really considered writing a chapter in Emperor of One, but I kind of dug my grave (as far as theme requirement goes) with how I ended it last time—basically no feasible way to skip forward to something that fits, yey me.

Like I said, this is Ch.2 of Act I, you can read Ch.1 (Oasis) at the archives.

1498 words (according to http://www.wordcounttool.com/)
@Mario: I’ll only update this post so if I forget to write Final Entry by the end of the contest, just consider whatever is here the final version.

Knightmare
Act I - Penumbra


Night of the Execution

The evening of the execution came to pass, and night came. Warwind left the guards to search for Lilet and went to retire for the day, or so the tribunal thought. That night, accompanied by his men, he went outside town and in the forest met with Lilet. He explained how the guards will figure out she had escaped the town and will broaden their search soon. He threw to her his father’s lantern. Warwind then told her how she can use it to pierce the fog of the Sealed Forest and venture into a place known as the Castle of the Silver Moon, where nobody would be able to chase her. He would escort her there to make sure there is nothing with any thread. And so, lacking choice in the matter, Lilet followed with Warwind’s suggestion.

The road towards the castle was rough track though the forest with only the red and white light of the lantern to guide the way. Aside from the trees, grass and the smell of the bog, no living thing stood in front of them. It felt like they had walked for half a day, but when they reached the castle and exited the fog it was still night.

The castle was covered in thorns. Warwind’s party took a short break, then told Lilet they need to grasp the element of surprise, now. She paused, and then just gave a nod in agreement, and so they ventured in. It was not long and they came to a room with a sword implanted in a painting on the wall. At first glance the painting showed a giant dog, beasts of fire, darkness falling from the sky, a sea monster with nine heads, the ground dying, and seas boiling. Warwind approaches the sword and attempted to pull it out of the wall. He tried several times but the sword did not budge. He calls several of his men to pull together, to no avail.
“Lilet, come here and try to pull it out.” said Warwind
“Is it… necessary to pull it out?” said Lilet
“It may be cursed, leaving it is dangerous.” said Warwind, staring at the sword
And so she approaches the sword and grabs it.
“I feel energy coming from the grip.” she says
“Don’t worry I’ve felt it too.” said Warwind
And so she pulls on the sword, with all her might. The sword doesn’t budge but the walls shake.
“Try again Lilet.” says Warwind
And she does. She pulls and she pulls, and the castle shakes. And eventually as she pulls spikes impale her hand from the grip. She wants to let go but the sword compels her to pull harder and the castle shakes more violently. Then the sword edge cracks and the long shaft which was the swords grip breaks off and Lilet rolls on the floor still hanging onto the grip, or rather the grip still holding to her hand. She tries to get up, but her feet won’t hold her, and she sways around until she hits the window on the opposite wall. Her hand is now covered in blood.

Warwind and one of his men heads to the blades remains, their faces perplexed.
“Lord Warwind.” said Lilet
“Is that fog outside magical?”
“Yes. Only the lantern can pierce it.” said the assistant
“Then doesn’t that mean one of us is stranded then.” replies Lilet
“If you take the lantern, I won’t be able to leave, if the lantern stays with me you won’t be able to leave.”
“Don’t worry miss, you just come with us and then come back to the castle on your own.” replied the assistant pointing at the lantern
Warwind pushes him back and yells.
“Enough.”
“Your services are no longer required girl.”
“Sorry, but have you any last wish.”
“I knew it. You’re no friend of my father.” said Lilet
“My only wish in life was to become a knight.”
“Your father was a demon hunter. The title is equivalent to that of knight.” said Warwind
“Since the children of knights have the right to become knights themselves, you have it too foolish girl.”
“My father wished for me to become a fair lady, but my desire has always been to become a knight. Thank you.” said Lilet
“You do understand a knight must protect the weak, which would include even those fools whom sentenced you to death.” said Warwind
Lilet smiled, stood up and said “Yes, I shall protect the foolish as well.” and charged towards Warwind with the grip of the weapon still in hand. Warwind aimed for her legs but Lilet blocked by forcing the grip into the floor and countered with a kick to his abdomen, knocking him back and on his knees. She then leaned on the shaft forward to loosen it from the floor and with her right hand grabbed the bottom of it, and swung it from the back, over her head, forward; just like an axe. But the shaft did not connect with Warwind’s head. One of his soldiers parried the blow with his spear, while another lanced her heart from behind. As the soldier jerked the spear out, Lilet fell to her knees while leaning on the shaft.

As her life fled from her lungs, magic runes and smoke appeared on the shaft, and more blood continued to drip from her hand. Everyone took several steps back, weapons ready to strike. Lilet could not see the markings, as her vision had faded to darkness long before her knee touched the ground. She looked up but saw only darkness, she looked down and then a scream chilling as the winter wind yelled “DON’T look down!” As she lifted her head a giant phantom had appeared before her at no more then an arms length.
“W-Who…W-What are thow?” asked Lilet
“I am the spirit of the void, Mephistopheles, once of your world, but no longer.”
“The sword you hold is a special medium, known as The Reaper’s Grimoire.”
“Over the millennia, as a weapon, it has had many names, Valkyrie, Vajra, Nægling, Gungnir, Caladbolg, Durendal, among the most common.”
“Only those of pure spirit who die a honorable death in battle may wield the sword, and only a maiden may release it’s full power.”
“So what say you young sword maiden, will you hear my plea?”
“Don’t tempt me demon. I am the daughter of a demon hunter, I know your tricks and of your temptation. Begone! I shall not sell my soul to you.” replied Lilet
“I am one of seven masters of fate. I am a demon, but not a devil.”
“I do not wish for thow soul, nor the souls of other mortals.”
“Had I been a devil and wished for souls I could have had those of the fools you’ve fauth.”
“And you are a witch. You have a incomplete soul since the day of your birth, hence your ability to merge with nature’s elements and use magic with out a magic stone.”
“But a incomplete soul lacks clarity, not even the greediest of devils would bother.”
“I ask of thee only one task, prevent the apocalypse.”
“I am a knight, demon. I shall not yield to your fiendish tongue.” said Lilet
“How should I know if your actions are not merely a consequence of some restraint.”
“As a knight, I am nothing like you, who seeks any means to your ends, I work only in the service of justice and the weak.”
“BEGONE I say!” screamed Lilet
“It is because thow are a fledgling knight that I make this plea.” replied Mephisto
“Is the risk you would bear as my agent, not worth saving the people from oblivion?”
“Name the terms for this service I ask of you.”
Lilet, paused for a moment and considered his words. Then asked that she will agree to his task if she would keep her freedom of choice and if the task was only to be accomplished following the code of knighthood and justice. Much to her surprise the demon agreed to her terms. The blood that had dripped onto the sword was suddenly absorbed into the shaft sealing the pact, her skin turned white as snow, her hair turned black as night, her wounds threw smoke and closed. And as she lifted from the ground and opened her eyes her iris and pupil turned white, and a black disk surrounded them. As she took hold of the sword with her left hand and raised it up and pointed it to her right, facing back, a white blade appeared. Mephisto then whispered to Lilet:
“The blade is your very soul. It shall never dull and never break.”
“It’s edge will cut and kill anything, even a ghost, even a god.”
“May it serve you well, for you will need it.”
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Old 2011-04-11, 22:46   Link #9
Asuras
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Though I see the title is "Opposites (plural) Attract," do both individuals in question necessarily need to share the same "attraction?" I plan for my story to be one-sided in attraction, though nevertheless due to opposites.

Is this allowed?
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Old 2011-04-11, 23:15   Link #10
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Though I see the title is "Opposites (plural) Attract," do both individuals in question necessarily need to share the same "attraction?" I plan for my story to be one-sided in attraction, though nevertheless due to opposites.

Is this allowed?
I personally think it's all fine and well. As long as you have opposites and attraction somewhere, somehow.

PM has the final word of course, though.
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Old 2011-04-12, 00:33   Link #11
Hiroi Sekai
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^ That's perfectly fine. In all honesty; as long as it stays within the rules, I think the contest winner should have control over the theme.
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Old 2011-04-12, 01:14   Link #12
Asuras
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Alright, thanks.
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Old 2011-04-12, 05:39   Link #13
felix
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Originally Posted by shelter View Post
1st Draft (Poetry)
"Nur Hilya"
08 April


Spoiler for Nur Hilya (1st Draft):
The only thing that caught my eye is the on the second to last verse the expression “spills me a grin,” seems forced.

Other then that seems fine. Can I get a translation on the various lines though? ie. “Nur Hilya“ “Apa macham melayu punye?” “Kau bersembahyang apa?” “aku Nasrani ah”
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Old 2011-04-12, 12:12   Link #14
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In all honesty; as long as it stays within the rules, I think the contest winner should have control over the theme.
Muharhar I shall rule with an iron fist then!

@felix, might be my favorite in your series as of yet. Was a good read.
I personally didn't like the use of the word grip, but I'm not a native speaker, so many things seem weird to me XD

The action scenes could be at a faster pace, but that's about all I can nitpick about.
Well that and that I'm not entirely sure what happened there just now, but I kinda like that.

Like.

(Is it conincidence it reminded me oft that headache-producing riddle of yours? <_<)
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Old 2011-04-12, 13:34   Link #15
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@felix, might be my favorite in your series as of yet. Was a good read.
Thanks.
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I personally didn't like the use of the word grip, but I'm not a native speaker, so many things seem weird to me XD
How do you feel if I used “hilt” instead?
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Old 2011-04-13, 04:06   Link #16
Hiroi Sekai
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Justice

"Does the defense have any final words before I pass judgement?"


Staring down at a pair of sweaty palms, the man clutched them into fists and brought them down upon the desk in a fit of anger. He had arrived at the greatest decision of his life. One path would take him to victory at the cost of selling his soul to the devil, while the other would follow the righteous path towards failure.


No time. The judge's gavel was already in the air, ready to come down and change lives forever.


"Please wait, Your Honour!"


The judge gave him a stern look. "Do you have something to add?"
"That's right, I have definitive evidence that Ms. Valerie is the killer."


A collection of gasps and mutters came from the crowd; all of which was completely ignored by the dedicated attorney. The only thing that mattered to him at the moment was the person he had to save, and the sin he would commit to do so. Reaching into the pile of evidence, the attorney pulled out a single bullet resting within a clear bag.


Catching a glimpse of the bronzed bullet encased in blood, the young woman sitting in the witness' bench cowered in fear.


"N-no...please...you can't do this..."


From across the room, one man pounded his right fist into his desk. "Damn it, is the path you're going to take?!"
"There are no options left."


The prosecutor hesitated - even he knew the great sin that would be committed within the sanctuary of law.


"Your Honour! I present to the court; the bullet that took the life of the victim. The ballistic markings on it definitely imply that it was fired from the murder weapon."


Once again, the prosecutor was silent; the judge however, was different.


"And the blood on the bullet?"
"Tests show that it's the victim's blood."


Passing a forced and pained stare at the witness, he pushed on. "And let's not forget who's fingerprints were on that gun."


"But we already established that Ms. Valerie gripped the gun before the murder occurred. We would have found the victim's fingerprints on the handle as well if your argument was true."


The prosecutor was in worse shape, but for the sake of another, he would give up everything he had.


"Your Honour, the prosecution would like to summarize exactly what had happened during the murder."
"Go on, then."


With Ms. Valerie almost in tears, the prosecutor began to speak.
"On the 5th of June at 12:45 A.M., Ms. Valerie was preparing to return home from the office. About 2 minutes from then, the victim entered the office with a fully loaded 9mm pistol in his hand. The victim then pulled off a shot on the witness, who managed to avoid death after a shot to the stomach. Coughing her own blood onto the crime scene, Ms. Valerie fought back. Isn't that correct?"


The defense attorney could feel the prosecutor's chilling gaze. "That's right. It was determined earlier that the defendant was in the same office, several feet away from the struggle."


"The overturned desk that the defendant hid behind and the lack of fingerprints near the scene proved that he wasn't near the fight, didn't it?"


"That's absolutely correct, Your Honour. However, the prosecution also clearly stated that my client was guilty because he was attempting to frame the witness for the crime."


The judge frowned. "And this new evidence of yours will prove otherwise?"


...And that's when time froze. All eyes were fixated on Ms. Valerie, who had become pale and was now gasping for breath.


"Your Honour! The witness is clearly in a shocked state; the prosecution requests a 10 minute recess!"


Under regular circumstances, it would have been denied. However, this witness was a special case.


In the waiting room, the defense attorney's phone rang.
"Hello?! Is this M? You...haven't hurt her, have you?"
"Absolutely not. As long as you keep your word, I shall keep mine as well. Now, I believe you have an acquittal to win, don't you?" and the phone beeped off.


Sporting the laugh of the devil, the defendant appeared to be on top of the world. "Seems like you have no choice, Mr. Lawyer. M doesn't appreciate failure, you see. Should I end up losing this case, your pretty little daughter will never see another sunrise again."


"T-this bastard...I swear to God that I'll kill him."
But he couldn't...he just couldn't. The only ones who could help him now were God himself, and that prosecutor.
"Good luck, Mr. Lawyer. It looks like they're calling us back into the courtroom." And with that, they returned.


The judge glanced at the witness, who appeared to be looking slightly better. "Ms. Valerie, if you were to testify, you might be able to save yourself before it's too late."


With a fearfully shaky voice, she replied: "I...I plead the fifth."


There was no choice but to move forward. Pleading the fifth would only mean that Ms. Valerie would refuse testimony that could end up incriminating herself.


"Allow me, then. There were three bullets fired that night; one that hit the metal safe in Ms. Valerie's vicinity, and yet another that passed through the victim's heart..."


"...W-wait! The other bullet was covered in the victim's blood too, wasn't it? Since that first bullet wasn't fired from the same gun, you can't prove it was me!"


"Ms. Valerie, you don't seem to understand. The bullet that you speak of was in a damaged state; slightly caved in from the impact against the safe. This bullet however..."


"...is perfectly stable, correct?" The prosecutor grimly laid the facts out. Both sides of the courtroom were at a standstill. It appeared as if the evidence was enough for the judge.


"I would like to hear the defense's final opinions on the matter, and if Ms. Valerie refuses to testify, then I shall pass down my verdict."


No time left...an innocent person would be sentenced to death, and in exchange, the life of a younger person would be spared. How could this be considered a fair trade? Is this truly how it would end? There had to be a way out, anything...


"STOP! Wait one moment, Your Honour!" The bailiff burst in through the door in a frantic state.


"Bailiff, we are in the middle of a trial."
"I apologize, Your Honour, but I received a call from Detective Ren. In a desperate attempt to escape the assault on the kidnapper's hideaway, a little girl was found - abandoned."


Words of pure bliss or of a crushing defeat...he had to make sure.
"Bailiff, is she alive?"


He smiled. "Aside from a few rope burns from her bindings, she's fine."


The prosecutor and the defense attorney let out enormous sighs of relief. However, their joyous moment would have to wait.


Their heads turned towards the defendant, who was now shivering in fear. "Your Honour, the defense has a confession to make. The defendant's fingerprints were found on both bullets."


The judge was shocked. "You withheld this vital information from the court? You shall be held in contempt of court for this."


The prosecutor slammed his hand onto the desk. "Your Honour, the defense is not at fault; the girl that had been kidnapped was his one and only daughter."


The defense attorney felt his heart pound. Staring in compassion of his opponent and saviour, he had learned the true face of a prosecutor. The judge seemed to fully understand the situation as well.


"Very well, but in a court of law, this act is still unforgivable. Rest assured that the prosecution will also be punished for this. As for the defendant..."


"W-wait!" he pleaded, desperately looking at the defense attorney's eyes. "Y-You're my attorney! It's your job to get me off the hook! You can't do this!"


"Don't you dare tell me how to do my job, you...inexcusable criminal. My job is to determine the truth; if you are truly innocent, the courtroom will reward you your freedom."


The judge nodded. "On charges of first-degree murder, fraud and tampering with evidence, this court finds the defendant guilty. Court is dismissed." And with that, a screaming defendant was dragged out of the courtroom.


In the waiting room, final words were to be exchanged. Standing side by side, the prosecutor and defense attorney faced Ms. Valerie.


"Ms. Valerie...words cannot express how sorry we for what we put you through. Your innocence was clear...but we used you."


A single tear ran down her cheek, and she hugged the two men. "Mr. Attorney, I know exactly what happened. I'm glad your daughter is safe. Thank you." Once she uttered those words, she left the building.


"Mr. Valerie, thank you for your help."
"...Do you still hate prosecutors?"
"No. Not anymore."


Staring off into the distance where the 12 year old witness had run to, Prosecutor Valerie proudly watched his daughter lovingly staring at the courtyard flowers.
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Old 2011-04-13, 07:23   Link #17
felix
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@papermario

Yey someone else writing detective/law stories. ^.^

Yikes, again with your random spaces between lines.
Quote:
"Does the defense have any final words before I pass judgement?"
Use “ruling” instead of “judgment” (it’s written with out a “e” right?).
Quote:
"Wait, Your Honour!" The judge gave him a stern look.
Split it onto two lines. Also it could be “Objection Your Honor” for more effect.
Quote:
pulled out a single bullet resting within a clear bag
How about “plastic bag” instead of “clear bag”?
Quote:
bronzed bullet
The bullet was suntanned? Can that word be used on objects? Maybe “bronze coated” or “bronze bullet” assuming you are only referring to the material.
Quote:
Catching a glimpse of the bronzed bullet encased in blood, the young woman sitting in the witness' bench cowered in fear.
Change the comma into a period.
Quote:
"N-no...please...you can't do this..."
I personally prefer the more common capitalized spelling there “N-No…”.
Quote:
From across the room, one man pounded his right fist into his desk. "Damn it, is the path you're going to take?!"
Dialog on new line.
Quote:
"Damn it, is the path you're going to take?!"
Maybe split it into two sentences. Also, I think it should be “is this the path”.
Quote:
The prosecutor hesitated - even he knew the great sin that would be committed within the sanctuary of law.
The minus sign “-” looks strange when used as a em dash “—”. Personally I think it should be a comma or period instead, or a semicolon.
Quote:
Once again, the prosecutor was silent; the judge however, was different.
Eliminate first comma. Semicolon could be a period. “was different” might be better as “was not”. Also, reverse “however” and “the judge” in the sentence; perhaps eliminate “however” altogether (if possible).
Quote:
"And the blood on the bullet?"
"Tests show that it's the victim's blood."
I’m confused as to who is talking. Is it just the defense attorney there?
Quote:
Passing a forced and pained stare at the witness, he pushed on. "And let's not forget who's fingerprints were on that gun."
“forced and pained” is too long. The construct just creates more confusion then if you used just one of the words or a single word equivalent to them both, like maybe “hurt” or “troubled”. I kind of feel there shouldn’t be a period there, or that the dialog should be on a new line if it is.
Quote:
"But we already established that Ms. Valerie gripped the gun before the murder occurred. We would have found the victim's fingerprints on the handle as well if your argument was true."
In the UK it’s with out a period (“Ms”) while in the US you have a period (“Ms.”). Personally I think the British got it right, a period should only used for sentences. You can skip over the problem by just using the popular easier to read alternative spelling “Miss”.

Also, again I’m not certain who exactly is talking, the defense or the prosecutor (or the judge?). I can take a guess, but a more direct hint either in the way he speaks (ie. “The defense would like to…”) or just a simple “said the defense attorney”.
Quote:
The prosecutor was in worse shape, but for the sake of another, he would give up everything he had.
Second comma is definitely useless.
Quote:
"Your Honour, the prosecution would like to summarize exactly what had happened during the murder."
I don’t think it’s wrong per se, but somehow the word summarize in the current scene seems out of place. Maybe change it to something like “review” or “revise”.
Quote:
"Go on, then."
This is too informal, gives the impression this is law circus. Maybe write it as “The court will hear the…”.
Quote:
"On the 5th of June at 12:45 A.M., Ms. Valerie was preparing to return home from the office. About 2 minutes from then, the victim entered the office with a fully loaded 9mm pistol in his hand. The victim then pulled off a shot on the witness, who managed to avoid death after a shot to the stomach. Coughing her own blood onto the crime scene, Ms. Valerie fought back. Isn't that correct?"

The defense attorney could feel the prosecutor's chilling gaze. "That's right. It was determined earlier that the defendant was in the same office, several feet away from the struggle."
  • how does the prosecution know the time was exactly 12:45 AM
Anyway, regarding the phrasing. “about 2 minutes from then” is better as “approximately 2 minutes later”, the word “about” is too informal. Also concerning the time I would spell it “AM” instead with out the periods.

Also regarding this “Isn’t that correct?”. I feel the prosecution is stepping the line and verbally assaulting the defense. If the prosecution wishes to summarize then I would expect nothing to happen until the prosecution had finished. At most I would expect the judge to interrupt or the defense to object on any invalid points in the summary.

Quote:
"The overturned desk that the defendant hid behind and the lack of fingerprints near the scene proved that he wasn't near the fight, didn't it?"
Who’s talking? The defense or the prosecution? Am I suppose to figure it out by reading the dialog after it? =P

Quote:
"That's absolutely correct, Your Honour. However, the prosecution also clearly stated that my client was guilty because he was attempting to frame the witness for the crime."
  • the way the so called “evidence” against the defendant.
No period on the first sentence. “clearly stated” is redundant, and makes the sentence sound unprofessional (from a character perspective I mean). Same with “client”. It’s ambigous who’s client we’re talking about, and also awkward. It’s better to just refer to the client of the defense as the “defendant” since it’s not necessary for the defense attorney to have been hired (one could have been provided). Also I could be wrong but in US/UK it’s “Your Honor” or “Judge”, and not “Your Honour” (Canadian version?)—oh and in Japan it’s neither.
Quote:
The judge frowned. "And this new evidence of yours will prove otherwise?"
And the defense raised their nose high and said “Duh! Your Honor.” You get the point.
Quote:
...And that's when time froze.
What’s the purpose of the ellipsis? It’s not a pause since there’s nothing before it, so what is it?
Quote:
Allow me, then
No comma. Aslo, can’t tell who’s talking.
Quote:
This bullet however..."

"...is perfectly stable, correct?"
The “correct” kind of dumbs down the scene. I also don’t understand what stable is suppose to mean here. Maybe rephrase it to something like “Yet this bullet… [...] …is intact!” or “[...] …is in perfect condition!” or “[...] …is undamaged!”

Quote:
No time left...an innocent woman would be sentenced to death, and in exchange, the life of younger girl would be spared.
  • where in the world are you sentences to death for a crime like this

Quote:
"STOP! Wait one moment, Your Honour!" The bailiff burst in through the door in a frantic state.
Reverse the order of the sentences.

Quote:
Their heads turned towards the defendant, who was now shivering in fear. "Your Honour, the defense has a confession to make. The defendant's fingerprints were found on both bullets."
  • Firing the gun would erase any fingerprints.
  • Ballistic markings would only match one of the weapons. Even if one of the bullets was destroyed, it’s implausible for the bullet who passed though the victim to still retain enough force to shatter on impact with the safe. By comparing the ballistic markings on the fatal bullet evidence of Miss Valerie’s innocence of the murder.

Quote:
if you are truly innocent, the courtroom will reward you your freedom.
First of all “rewarding someone something they already own” doesn’t make sense. Secondly I think it’s more appropriate to use “court” instead of “courtroom”, you make it sound like it’s the job of the room and not the people there by emphasizing the room.
Quote:
The judge nodded. "On charges of first-degree murder, fraud, tampering with evidence, attempted theft, and assault and battery, this court finds the defendant guilty. Court is dismissed." And with that, a screaming defendant was dragged out of the courtroom.
This very wrong. You just sentenced him with out a trial! Based on the new evidence the trial has to be restarted. Also what “tampering with evidence”? What “attempted theft”? and what’s “attempted theft” anyway? As for “assault and battery” unless I’m mistaken assault here refers to verbal violence, since the term only exists in jurisdictions when there is a distinction between physical and verbal assault. So is this verbal assault referring to the interaction with his lawyer? If so then the Judge is out of line, he has a responsibility to listen to all witnesses and the defendant still has a right to a defense. Even a confession can not bypass this responsibility since there are people who are simply serial confessors, or easily pushed into a corner. The defense is also obviously biased by the circumstances and can no longer defend their client.
Quote:
Staring off into the distance where the 12 year old witness had run to, the two men stood proudly, side by side.
12 year old? And they were going to execute her, when she’s that age? What was she doing at “the office” at that hour anyway? Also, you do know she’s guilty right? She needs to go to jail! =P
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Old 2011-04-14, 05:40   Link #18
WordShaker
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Join Date: May 2009
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Here's something very short. I don't know if the idea's any good, but I liked it. *shrugs* Blasted exams cutting into my thinking time.

Spoiler for Joey:

Last edited by WordShaker; 2011-04-14 at 19:49.
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Old 2011-04-14, 06:50   Link #19
felix
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Final Entryhttp://forums.animesuki.com/showpost...53&postcount=8
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Old 2011-04-14, 12:20   Link #20
lordshadowisle
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Join Date: Feb 2011
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Wooohooo made it on the final day! Actually I started writing on the final day itself. Goes to show that procrastination has its benefits

Spoiler for Monologue:


FINAL ENTRY

Last edited by lordshadowisle; 2011-04-15 at 01:29. Reason: Added note to indicate final entry
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