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Old 2011-04-14, 17:59   Link #21
felix
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Time to pull a relentlessflame and stick a post in just before thread closes, so nobody gonna be able to defend against my shallow arguments. Yeah! like a pro baby! >=D

No, just kidding, itís a coincidence I only happen to find time now to read the last of them; and comment. AnywayÖ

Iím kind of noticing a pattern for a while now. Everyone really likes faceless nameless protagonists (and characters in general) it seems. Not in the sense of it being a bad thing, but rather fascinating.

@wassupimviet ó somehow, near the end the first person narrative going straight into a third person one is awkward.

@lordshadowisle ó itís pretty creative. I donít get the underlying plot though (as usual), but I did get the overarching one of the double personality, before it was spoiled. Iíll complain about one thing though. The separators, they were unnecessary. You should have simply had a breakaway sentence; itís not like you didnít have a choice there. Worst thing about them is they give too much away.
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Old 2011-04-14, 21:47   Link #22
lordshadowisle
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@ felix

Thanks for the comment. I'm not extremely fond of the separators myself, as they are quite inelegant devices. However, I put those in because I'm not entirely confident that the scene transitions would be clear otherwise.
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Old 2011-04-15, 00:08   Link #23
lordshadowisle
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@ papermario

After I read the summary, I realized a problem - too many characters and too much plot to be put in 1500 words! Interestingly, I felt that I had a good grip on things after reading the main entry, but I was confused by the summary

Felix raises some interesting plot problems though. In fact I had a laugh at some of his comments, like
Quote:
12 year old? And they were going to execute her, when she’s that age? What was she doing at “the office” at that hour anyway? Also, you do know she’s guilty right? She needs to go to jail! =P
Can the prosecution even be related to the witness/defendant in the first place?

Last edited by lordshadowisle; 2011-04-15 at 01:16.
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Old 2011-04-15, 01:59   Link #24
Hiroi Sekai
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Thanks for the c&c guys Sorry about the late reply, but my laptop is legit broken. A new one's on it's way, so I'm replying via iPhone.

First off, typing is terrible on this, so short summaries:P Yes, it's legal in many countries to be related to the witness while you are on the case. Felix, your reply was my first post; I almost immediately changed it:P Still, you're right about many of the word placement errors, but I can't really get to them in my current situation. Ah and yes, too long of a story for 1500 words indeed; I still got my point across.

Finally, consider my current version as my final entry. If I can also request that somebody can post the final version, as much as it pains me. Since I can't use my computer; if somebody can post the new voting thread I would be very grateful. If not, it'll have to wait until Saturday when I can borrow a friend's computer. Once again, apologies.
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Old 2011-04-15, 04:37   Link #25
felix
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Quote:
Originally Posted by papermario13689 View Post
Finally, consider my current version as my final entry. If I can also request that somebody can post the final version, as much as it pains me. Since I can't use my computer; if somebody can post the new voting thread I would be very grateful. If not, it'll have to wait until Saturday when I can borrow a friend's computer. Once again, apologies.
Thread created.
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Old 2011-04-15, 05:30   Link #26
Hiroi Sekai
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Many thanks, felix. Much appreciated.

Just an addendum; The_Seth also submitted a story via PM. Title: "The Wanderers", and copied from my inbox
Spoiler for The Wanderers:
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Old 2011-04-15, 06:19   Link #27
felix
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Entry added.
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Old 2011-04-20, 02:26   Link #28
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Quote:
Originally Posted by papermario13689 View Post
A little late, but here's my current entry.
Oh ho, this one sounds familiar.

Quote:
Originally Posted by felix View Post
The word limit is such a damn pain. No miracles this time. I had to write chapter, then skipped forward and somehow made a chapter that barely stands on itís own, grr.
Ah, I can definitely see where the word limit hurts. There's plenty that could have been elaborated on or described, but you don't get a lot of leeway to work with.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lordshadowisle View Post
Wooohooo made it on the final day! Actually I started writing on the final day itself. Goes to show that procrastination has its benefits
Hehe, what a premise. That was thoroughly enjoyable. I particularly liked that twist that went on towards the end.
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Old 2011-04-20, 02:45   Link #29
Hiroi Sekai
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^ Bwaha, you noticed? Nice avatar, by the way.
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Old 2011-04-20, 02:47   Link #30
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Comes from a great videogame series too, yeah?
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Old 2011-04-20, 02:56   Link #31
Hiroi Sekai
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Frankly my dear, I have no idea of what you are speaking of. I can tell you that my next story will be about the spirit of a detective who passed on...
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Old 2011-04-20, 11:36   Link #32
lordshadowisle
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@wordshaker

Thanks for the positive comments on my piece.

Also, did you have a name change? I had no idea that could be done!
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Old 2011-04-20, 11:39   Link #33
felix
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lordshadowisle View Post
@wordshaker

Thanks for the positive comments on my piece.

Also, did you have a name change? I had no idea that could be done!
Post here: http://forums.animesuki.com/showthread.php?t=36723
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