|2011-07-07, 12:42||Link #1|
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: The computer :p
Anime script; Hanabi Akiko
One day I started watching cute animes like: lucky star, the melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, amagami, Kaicho wa maid-sama and others. While at work an anime story popped into my head for no reason. When I got home i IMMEDIATELY started writing.
Episode 1 starts kinda slow. But it IS the introduction. In time character development comes into play. I dont have the whole story written yet, but I do have the whole story planned out. I got teary eyed when I was writing the summary to it, so hopefully by the end it'll be get to you too.
Im just hoping SOMEONE/ANYONE will like this script/story!
All of my work is at Deviantart, here: http://m1key91.deviantart.com/gallery/#/d380yqy
Ive gotten a couple of fans on Deviantart, so Im hoping to expand. I know Animesuki is a place where lots of anime fans gather, so i thought i'd give it a try.
Here is Hanabi Akiko chapter/episode 1:
here's some notes you should know;
-when a "**" is placed, the following sentences are going to describe the setting, or is describing the scene going on, or an action taking place. the scene/setting/action will also end with a "**"
-When someone is talking, they'll have their name placed in front of their sentences. (ex: Sammy: "where are we going?" Timmy: "to the park."
-Narration/thoughts will be done ONLY by the Main character Hanabi. So you will only be able to hear what's inside her mind only. Narration/thoughts will start off with a "~Naration:" or a "~Thought:"
-Flashback scenes will be shown in here, it will have a "~FLASHBACK~" sign placed before the flashback scene. It will also end with "~END FLASHBACK~"
Here's episode 1:
[Episode 1; Hanabi Akiko]
**Start off scene: A normal day of highschool. The air is filled with sounds of the students talking, laughing, playing, and doing normal student things. Then, all focus goes onto one student. A girl who looks like she's half awake while walking to school.**
~Narration: "My name is Hanabi Akiko, a highschool student, im a third year in this school. School life is pretty boring. Hmm..so how should I explain myself? Mmm...I'm spunky! Heh heh, yeah that's a good word. If you get on my bad side, OH MAN prepair to die! ...teehee just kidding, but don't piss me off. A lot of people think im lazy, but that's not right at all! I guess I'm pretty smart too." **shows scene of Hanabi sleeping in class.** "I don't really care much about school, I can fall asleep in class all I want and still get a passing grade." **shows scene of the teacher getting angry and waking Hanabi up to answer the question on the board.** "I answer all the questions right, even if I don't pay attention at all." **shows Hanabi answering the question correctly, then falling back asleep. The teacher is confused and angry by this** "So yeah, I guess I could be a straight A student if i really wanted to be, but I don't really care. I'm honestly happy with Bs and Cs."
**shows 2 friends approaching Hanabi when school ends**
~Narration: "My friends are..just friends. Nothing really too special about em. They're weirdos, thats for sure, and they entertain me. That's good enough for me want to keep them around. I have some fun with them, and I guess I make em happy.
**Shows Hanabi walking inside her house, waving goodbye to her friends.**
~Narration: My homelife is nothing special here either. I'm an only child, so no siblings. **shows mom cooking dinner.** My mom is a normal stay at home mom. She cooks and cleans while dad is out working. Dad usually comes home late from work, but he makes sure to show his love. So that's good. But, homelife is pretty boring alltogether. Nothing really to do. So I usually sleep or read manga, sometimes I'll watch tv, but tv doesn't interest me." **shows Hanabi going through her homelife. Eating dinner, then reading manga in her room. Then turning off the light to go to bed** "Yeah, nothing really special about my homelife. I just go through life as a normal 17 year old girl."
**screen goes black**
**Alarm goes off. Hanabi wakes up struggling to turn her alarm off.**
Hanabi: "UUggghh..another day.."
**Scene skips to her walking to school.**
**Tenshi approaches Hanabi**
Tenshi: "Yo! Hanabi! Good morning."
~Narration: "This was Tenshi, one of my friends. He was an oddball who was WAY too energetic for his own good. He lives somewhat close to me, so we always wind up walking to school together.
Teshi:"Looking half asleep as always ay Hanabi?"
Hanabi: "Shut up. . ."
Teshi: "Hey hey..don't take your grupiness out on ME ha ha ha."
Hanabi: "Then do me a favor and stop talking. . ."
Tenshi: "Aww you so mean Hanabi!"
Hanabi: "Uuugggh...." **half awake/half sleep walking**
**Tenshi and Hanabi arrive at school together. There, their friend Kari is waiting for them.**
Kari: "Hey Tenshi and Hanabi!"
~Narration: This cute chick was my friend Kari. We've been friends since we were young. She was always soft spoken and really cute. She was a bit shy, but she gets around when she has to."
Tenshi: Hey Kari. Cheerful as always. I swear, you're the exact opposite of Hanabi here, so nice and friendly and sweet ha ha ha"
**Hanabi angerily eyes Tenshi.**
Kari: "Ha ha ha oh don't pick on poor Hanabi like that! She's just tired is all, right Hanabi?"
Hanabi: "Uuuuugh..." **looking like she's about to pass out.**
Kari: "Teehee, see?
Kari: "oh, looks like we'd better get to class, cmon Tenshi."
Tenshi: "Right..coming. Later Hanabi, try to wake up will ya?"
Habani: "Uuuuuugh..." **too tired to funtion**
~Narration: Kari's and Tenshi's classes were right next to eachother, so they wound up walking together to class. Leaving me to walk to class alone..well..sleep walk to class anyways."
**Hanabi walks to class, and slams her head on the desk. most likely to fall asleep.The teacher approaches her.**
Teacher: "Planning on sleeping yet again Hanabi?"
Hanabi: Uuugh..?" **looking up**
Teacher: Well you cant. We have an Important test today! Heh heh..I'll show you how bad falling asleep in class is for you! Ha ha ha!" **confident laugh**
**scene skips to the end of class. The teacher is holding the test results of Hanabi in front of her. The teacher is shown with a very confused face while shaking her hands in confused anger.**
Teacher: "Bu-Bu-bu-bu-but! but!"
**test shows Hanabi got an 85%. Hanabi glances at the test, then walks away.**
Hanabi: "See you later senpai."
Teacher: "Eh? Uhh, but! uhh..!?"
**Hanabi is walking down the halls. She then walks into the lunch room to eat with her friends.**
Tenshi: "Heey Hanabi! Wassup!"
Hanabi: "Uuuuugh.." **tired from test**
Kari: "HA HA! You're so funny Hanabi!"
Tenshi: "What's so funny about it Kari? I think Hanabi needs help. Maybe a psychologist or something."
Hanabi: "Naw...all I need is friends who don't try to send me to a crazy house. Idiot."
Tenshi: "Riiiiight...anyways, what do you guys have planned for tonight?"
Kari: "Me and my mom are going to go to the market. We're going to get some food for Christmas hehe.
Tenshi: "Chirstmas isn't for another 2 weeks Kari. . .wouldn't the food go bad by then?"
Kari: "Ah..umm...well we're going to practice making food before we serve our family heh heh.."
Tenshi: "Ahh..preperation IS key! **shakes head in agreement** And what about you Hanabi? You gonna crawl into your coffin and sleep some more? HA HA!"
Habani: **glances at Tenshi** "Go die. . ."
Tenshi: "HA! AWW cmon! I'm just playing. No need to be so mean Habani."
Habani: "If you must know, I'm going to read the new Kintama manga. It just came out, and I really wanna know what happens to Kintoki and Bagura when Tinpashi goes evil." **Gintama rip off**
Tenshi: "Ah I see, I need to catch up to that manga, I've been postponing it watching Paruto. **Naruto rip off** He's currently learning a new technique called the Tasengan! He's trying to learn and master it before his big fight with Tasuke! You see, Tasuke is really-"
Kari: "NO NO NO! DON'T SPOIL IT FOR ME! **Kari holding her ears yelling tossing and turning her head.**
Tenshi: "Eh, uhh..aheh heh...sorry Kari.."
Kari: "It's okay. I was kinda spacing out until you said Tasuke. . .he's so HAWT!"
Tenshi: **sigh** "It's people like you who make poor lil Paruto single. He gets no love, well..except from Tinata..But I dont think he wants her..."** turns the opposite direction and whispers** "even though she sacrificed her life for him already while fighting Bain.."
Kari: "Heh...I can't help it.Tasuke is awesome and cool! Don't you think so Hanabi? ...Hanabi?"
Hanabi: "Uuugh.." **Half dead**
Tenshi: **comical overexaggeration** "HANABI! Wake up! **Tenshi shaking Hanabi violently back and forth.** "Speak to me! We can't lose you now! Please!"
Hanabi: "BAAAKKKAAA!!!" **punches!**
Tenshi: Ehh....**laying dead on the floor**
**Ding dong, the lunch ending bell is ringing.**
Hanabi: **calm** "Well Kari, let's get going shall we?" **smiles**
Hanabi: "Oh, Kari, you'll need to be taking this with you." **Holds up Tenshi by the collar of his shrit.**
Kari: "hehe Yup!" **drags Tenshi by the collar.**
Tenshi: **bloody nose** "S-see ya later Hanabi..aheh heh.." **giving Hanabi a thumbs up**
Hanabi: "Mhm! Teehee." **gives Tenshi the "peace" sign.**
**Hanabi walks to her next class. Slowly taking her time.**
Hanabi: "Uuuugh...Why does school have to be so long..? I just wanna go home and rest already. . .and read that dang manga! Uuuggh..."
**Hanabi checks her watch.**
~Thought: "Less than a minute huh? Eh..it's cool.."
**Hanabi starts to walk around the corner.**
**Screen goes black as you hear her and a boy yell.**
Hanabi: "UGH!" **Falling to the floor.**
Boy: UGH...uhh.." **Rubbing his chest while taking 2 steps back.**
Hanabi: "ah....Ow..my...my butt!" **rubbing her back**
Boy: **straightens up** "Uhh...oh! I'm so sorry! **lends hand to help Hanabi up.**
Hanabi: Eh? Hey, why'd you do that?! **Still rubbing her back**
**Boy helps Hanabi up to her feet.**
Boy: "S-sorry..! It was a total accident.I'm so sorry! **bowing**
~Narration: "The boy who ran into me looked like any ordinary student, that's because he was just an ordinary student. He had silver hair that almost covered his eyes. He was a little taller than I was, and was very well mannered. Nonetheless, I was pretty angry that he made me fall and hurt my butt."
Hanabi: "Hmph..why were you running so fast in the first place?!" **giving the boy an angry face**
Boy: "Sorry..I was just running a little late for class, so I was running not be la-"
Boy: **sighs** "..not to be late.."
Hanabi: Well, you're late now.
Boy: "Yeah, guess I'm late then. **sigh** Anyways.." **bowing again* "Im so sorry for bumping into you like this. Allow me to make it up to you please!"
Hanabi: "Uhh? No..that's fine. Just go to class..later." **starts to walk away.**
Boy: "I refuse. I must make this up to you."
Hanabi: EH? No! Just go to class. If you really want to make it up to me, don't run and bump into me again. End of story, so we're done here."
Boy: "I refuse. I insist on making it up to you."
Hanabi: "Grr..what's with you? **turns around to face him with arms stretched downwards with fists.** I already said it was okay! So why do you keep persisting?! Hmph.."
Boy: **looks down with his hand on his chin while thinking** Allow me to buy you your lunch tomarrow. Surely that will make up for this.
Hanabi: "No way. **turns around with her arms crossed. eyes closed** I don't care if you insist. I insist on you leaving me alone. " **stares angerly**
Boy: **raises eyebrow** "I see. If you insist on this, then I'll have no choice but to accept your wish then."
Hanabi: "Good. Now get to class. And don't bump into anyone!"
Boy: **rubbing his head** "Right..again im sorry.."
Hanabi: "yeah yeah, just go.."
Boy: One more thing. **puts hand out to shake.**
Boy: "Im Kyo, and I'll someday make this up to you. I promise"
Hanabi: "Tch..geez.." **rolls her eyes and shakes his hand.** "Hanabi. . .and just get to class already."
Kyo (no longer known as "boy" ) : "'Hanabi huh? Alright then, see you later then Hanabi. **Runs off to class**
Hanabi: "Idiot..what did I say about running..?"
Kyo: "aheh heh..right...sorry...later.."
Hanabi: "What a messed up kid..whatever.." **walks to class.**
**Hanabi walks into the classroom obviously late.**
Teacher: Ah..Hanabi, so nice of you to join us. You usually sleep during class, are you going to start showing up late too now?"
Hanabi: "eh..sorry. Something stupid popped up, it couldn't be helped.."
Teacher: "Well, try not to let it happen again. **sigh. Turns around and starts writing on the board, then realizes something and turns back.** "Oh! And dont fall asl-"
Teacher: "..asleep...GRR...HANABI!!!!!" **Scary teacher background**
**scene skips to after class**
**Tenshi approaches Hanabi.**
Tenshi: Yo! Hanabi! Heading home now?"
Hanabi: **stretches with a smile on her face** "Yup! Gonna go and read that manga now!"
Tenshi: **gives a thumbs up** Go for it!
**inside the crowd of students, Hanabi spots out Kyo walking, and gives an annoyed face.**
~Thought: "Note to self, avoid that guy.."
**Tenshi looks at Hanabi's annoyed face and tries to follow what her eyes are looking at.**
Tenshi: Eh? What's wrong Hanabi? You know him or something?"
Hanabi: "Nope, not at all."
Tenshi: "Then..uh? what was-"
Hanabi: **interupts** "Let's go!" **walking away**
Tenshi: "Wah! Wait up! **catches up to Hanabi.** Let me just go get my stuff. I seem to have forgotten it in the class aheh heh.." **runs to get his stuff**
Hanabi: **sighs** "What an airhead..teehee."
Kyo: Yo, Hanabi.
**Hanabi goes from happy/giggly face, to dark/annoyed face.**
Kyo: "Eh? Y-you okay?"
Hanabi: "I'll manage..what do you want?"
Kyo: "You want me to make up for earlier now?"
Hanabi: *calm* "No, no, and a thousand more no's." **crosses her arms and looks away from Kyo**
Kyo: "Ah, I see. Well, maybe tomarrow then." **starts to walk off**
Kyo: "Y-yeah. Maybe I can make it up to you tomorrow. And if not, then maybe the next day or something. Till then, I'm off. Later."
Hanabi: **looking angry and confused.** "eh..eh..eh...eh...?"
**Tenshi comes back**
Tenshi: "Hey, Hanabi? What's the matter? You look JUST like senpai when you miraculously answer one of her questions correctly.."
Hanabi: **snaps back into focus.** "It's nothing..lets go."
**scene skips to Hanabi at home reading her manga.**
Hanabi: "Ahh Kintoki..you sure love your banana milk don'tcha? Teehee.."
**mom enters Hanabi's room.**
Mom: "Hanabi, it's getting pretty late, you should go to sleep now."
Hanabi: Yeah, I will soon, just gonna finish this first. There's not much left, so i'll get to bed soon."
Mom: "Alright then, goodnight Hanabi."
**Hanabi keeps reading, then finishes.**
~Thoughts: "Ahh..a good cliffhanger to keep me waiting for next week. Wonder what'll happen next. I bet Kintoki will do something stupid again haha! And who wouldn've thought that Galizebeth wasn't really an alien duck, but the producer of the show pretending to be an alien duck..this manga is so stupid and funny teehee...Stupid Tenshi, wish he'd catch up so we could have discussions! But NoooOOooOo! He's wasting his time on Paruto and Gleach..Oh well..time for bed then.
**Hanabi jumps into bed in her pjs and falls asleep**
[End of episode 1]
If you at all liked it, and want to see/read more, you can go to my Deviantart page here: http://m1key91.deviantart.com/ and see the other episodes out. Im still writing it out, and hope to gain some fans while completing it.
Thank you for reading!
|2011-07-12, 05:25||Link #2|
Join Date: Jun 2011
You should consider writing it in standard screenplay format so you don't need to explain your quirks. http://www.scriptfrenzy.org/howtoformatascreenplay.
But you can't use margins in forums, so never-mind.
Altogether it would be a really hard for someone to understand the humor if they never watched naruto, bleach, ect.
You have way too many flat and stereotype characters. I know this is only the first part, but there is little characteristics to distinguish the other characters. Hanabi reminds me of Naru from Love Hina with a little bit of sass from Holo from Spice and Wolf. Altogether everything is really normal. Lots of cliches like the "sleepy student who gets bad grades (well not really that bad, C's and B's aren't that bad)" and "bump in the hall rendez vous".
Sorry I'm being too hard on you for a first run. It did somewhat interest me or else I wouldn't have read it. Keep up the good work .
Is this your first script? It's a lot better than my first.
Also I read my post and it sounded kind of mean, but I just want to point out its constructive criticism so please don't think I have something against you.
|2011-07-12, 11:54||Link #3|
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: The computer :p
Lol hey I don't mind. Getting beat down sometimes is a good way to learn.
When it comes to romance comedy/slice of lifes, there's always some sort of familiarities. I acknowledge that and am going with the flow. My main goal is to entertain the reader with a funny/cute story. Based on what people have said to me, I take it they do enjoy it.
So I know that somethings are very familiar/similar to others, and im cool with that as long as I can make a good story.
|2011-07-17, 04:21||Link #7|
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: The computer :p
According to the thread rules (if i read them right..) Im not allowed to post more posts for my story. Though, you can read all of them here: http://m1key91.deviantart.com/gallery/
Thanks for reading XD