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Old 2011-08-20, 10:19   Link #33921
Astral Corruption
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanya01 View Post
Remember what I said about Material Days?

Spoiler for Material Days Part 89:


Had the script done yesterday and Yasanagi did some touch-ups on it.
So the Materials are taking Caro, Erio and the Alpines as hostages/barganing chips against the TSAB. What about Sette and and are they gonna take whatever was in Prison Boy's lab? And what about Yuuno, where is he and will he end up in another incident where he ends up back with the Materials, listen to Yami about the spell placed on him and her reasons for casting it which given Yuuno is pretty much the Messiah he automaticly forgives her, get the story about them going to fight the TSAB and have a slim chance of having a foursome between Yuuno and the Materials, all before they finally make it to Mid-Childa with the battle between the Materials who are at full power, if not above it, with those new finisher spells from Gears of Destiny at their disposal and the Aces and the rest of the TSAB?
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Old 2011-08-20, 10:20   Link #33922
mega1987
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Originally Posted by Nanya01 View Post
Red

Peek's Mini-Arcs:

Yagami Mid Four Dwell Takamachi Scrya

Spoiler for Blood That Flows - Peek - Fatherhood Part 1:
I think Amelia can make a Shinzoku ill by overloading them with TOO MUCH POSITIVE EMOTION, super charged with glucose and energy drinks...
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Old 2011-08-20, 14:13   Link #33923
Craxuan
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Old_Iron View Post
Greetings to you all. Old Iron here.

I'm relatively new to the author scene, but I hope to improve myself to the point of actually having dialogue and maybe even a plot.

Been reading quite a few Nanoha stories in the past year or so and I figured that I should give it a stab.

Spoiler for I Stand Alone:
Well, for starters, this is impressive writing.

... Okay, you did not have much story for me to even comment about. So I'll just throw in a question: Did Yuuno fire a beam? Sun? Something? As his final effort, because I find this part really confusing. At first read it was supposed to be a barrier to hold against the falling ships. However, his effort apparently er... Arc-En-Ciel (Or even stronger) a ship and wounding two. Or is it that his barrier rejects the falling impact back to space (Which after multiple reads should be correct)? Anyway, it's just sound impossible. You're saying that Yuuno managed to block something equivalent or ten times more powerful than a warship cannon.

Other than that, well... well written.
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Old 2011-08-20, 14:45   Link #33924
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Craxuan View Post
Well, for starters, this is impressive writing.

... Okay, you did not have much story for me to even comment about. So I'll just throw in a question: Did Yuuno fire a beam? Sun? Something? As his final effort, because I find this part really confusing. At first read it was supposed to be a barrier to hold against the falling ships. However, his effort apparently er... Arc-En-Ciel (Or even stronger) a ship and wounding two. Or is it that his barrier rejects the falling impact back to space (Which after multiple reads should be correct)? Anyway, it's just sound impossible. You're saying that Yuuno managed to block something equivalent or ten times more powerful than a warship cannon.

Other than that, well... well written.
To be honest, I wasn't really sure where I was going when I started other than wanting to write something... Probably a bad idea.

And to answer your questions involving the absolutely absurd and likely impossible things I had him do...

He did indeed make a miniature star and blow it up. Also, there weren't supposed to be any barriers to hold up the falling ships, just tons and tons of barriers to contain the nuclear reaction.

...I will say that this was a lot better than my first attempt at writing fanfiction. The grammatical errors alone would have put someone in the hospital.
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Old 2011-08-20, 15:01   Link #33925
Craxuan
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It is good writing, just without a story. And don't worry about grammar errors, you're way past the stage where it's negligible.

The only one I have a dispute about is the creating star stuff, the others are just good. There's no reason to conform to a fixed mindset, especially since this is magic we're talking about.

If it was me, I'll probably have him create either an infinite amount of barrier chakrams or a few super large one and cut it from all sides. But whatever.
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Old 2011-08-20, 15:02   Link #33926
vic-vic
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Wow, miniature star - don`t mess up with Yuuno, folks.

Impressive work I must say, and you didn`t see my grammar errors so you didn`t need to worry about it.
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Old 2011-08-20, 22:47   Link #33927
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Astral Corruption View Post
So the Materials are taking Caro, Erio and the Alpines as hostages/barganing chips against the TSAB. What about Sette and and are they gonna take whatever was in Prison Boy's lab? And what about Yuuno, where is he and will he end up in another incident where he ends up back with the Materials, listen to Yami about the spell placed on him and her reasons for casting it which given Yuuno is pretty much the Messiah he automaticly forgives her, get the story about them going to fight the TSAB and have a slim chance of having a foursome between Yuuno and the Materials, all before they finally make it to Mid-Childa with the battle between the Materials who are at full power, if not above it, with those new finisher spells from Gears of Destiny at their disposal and the Aces and the rest of the TSAB?
And will probably beat up the pilot carrying the ship and ask say: "Forgive me.", as he pilots the ship back to the planet, with the pilot tied up.
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Old 2011-08-20, 23:17   Link #33928
WarpObscura
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Old_Iron View Post
Greetings to you all. Old Iron here.

I'm relatively new to the author scene, but I hope to improve myself to the point of actually having dialogue and maybe even a plot.

Been reading quite a few Nanoha stories in the past year or so and I figured that I should give it a stab.

Spoiler for I Stand Alone:
Wow. That's certainly thinking with barriers.
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Old 2011-08-21, 09:49   Link #33929
Kaijo
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Well, considering I haven't really put up anything for quite awhile now, I thought I'd put up the first few scenes from the third chapter of the Perils sequel. The chapter itself is almost done, so hopefully I'll have the rest soon, but work has been really kicking my ass lately so I haven't had the time to write that I normally do.

So, without further ado... (and it's mostly work safe, at least; the real lemon scenes come later)

Spoiler for Perils of Lost Logia: The 2nd Cumming, Chapter 3: Something Also Rises:


The other two-thirds of this chapter will come later. You may now go back to your regularly scheduled fanfiction!
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Old 2011-08-21, 12:15   Link #33930
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Heh, another short mini-arc from me.

Red

Peek's Mini-Arcs:

Yagami Mid Four Dwell Takamachi Scrya

Fatherhood Part 1

Spoiler for Blood That Flows - Peek - Fatherhood End:


Spoiler for Comments:
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Old 2011-08-21, 16:00   Link #33931
shiroi mahotsukai
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanya01 View Post
Heh, another short mini-arc from me.

Red

Peek's Mini-Arcs:

Yagami Mid Four Dwell Takamachi Scrya

Fatherhood Part 1

Spoiler for Blood That Flows - Peek - Fatherhood End:


Spoiler for Comments:
Those kids are really cute, the girls and Gorry's son. Though it's a good thing L-sama hasn't met the girls yet, since if I'm not mistaken she is technically both great-grandmother and great-great-grandmother.
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Old 2011-08-21, 16:04   Link #33932
Nanya01
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shiroi mahotsukai View Post
Those kids are really cute, the girls and Gorry's son. Though it's a good thing L-sama hasn't met the girls yet, since if I'm not mistaken she is technically both great-grandmother and great-great-grandmother.
So... Rezo can no relate to someone then?

*Badum tish!*
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Old 2011-08-21, 16:17   Link #33933
00-Raiser
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Old_Iron View Post
Greetings to you all. Old Iron here.

I'm relatively new to the author scene, but I hope to improve myself to the point of actually having dialogue and maybe even a plot.

Been reading quite a few Nanoha stories in the past year or so and I figured that I should give it a stab.

Spoiler for I Stand Alone:
This was quite good, though it feels like there's a ting of purple prose in here. A few other errors and one redundancy: "The strong walls standing strong"

No problem with Yuuno's final attack. Did you explicitly take that from To Aru Majutsu no Index when Accelerator compressed air to form plasma, or is that just a coincidence?

A bigger issue, though, is that the Infinite Library is not located on Mid Childa. It's in the TSAB HQ, which is that big spikey thing up in dimensional space. It's essentially a massive space colony.

Still, it was nice you gave Yuuno some glory. I'm actually interested in Hayate and Vivio's thoughts after the event.
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Old 2011-08-21, 17:48   Link #33934
mega1987
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanya01 View Post
Heh, another short mini-arc from me.

Red

Peek's Mini-Arcs:

Yagami Mid Four Dwell Takamachi Scrya

Fatherhood Part 1

Spoiler for Blood That Flows - Peek - Fatherhood End:


Spoiler for Comments:
Rangort and Xellos became Sango and Miroku???(after they married)

oh boy! I hope Lena and Carona like to have younger siblings... or mommy dragon will have a word with them...
__________________
Darwin's nominee are best for laughs.
MGLN "Befriending" shows love thru superior firepower (Zenryokou Zenkai!)
Gundams are your worst nightmare in the battlefield.
SRW beats all foes.
JAM Project pwns all!!!

And I can't still make fanfic without restarting from the start when new ideas comes in...
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Old 2011-08-21, 18:52   Link #33935
Nanya01
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Two updates in one day? Wow.

Red

Peek's Mini-Arcs:

Yagami Mid Four Dwell Takamachi Scrya Fatherhood

Spoiler for Blood That Flows - Peek - Harlaown Start:


Spoiler for Comments:
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Old 2011-08-21, 19:12   Link #33936
mega1987
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Originally Posted by Nanya01 View Post
Two updates in one day? Wow.

Red

Peek's Mini-Arcs:

Yagami Mid Four Dwell Takamachi Scrya Fatherhood

Spoiler for Blood That Flows - Peek - Harlaown Start:


Spoiler for Comments:
OW MAI GAWD!!!!

Moka and Mizore.... *nosebleed*

and really Thoth.... you are one hell of a blackmailer...

and now I wish there's a Sango what would wack at Thoth everytime he do something... perverted...

and I'm not surprised on that multi-update a day... in fact, i'm waiting for something like that to happen...
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Darwin's nominee are best for laughs.
MGLN "Befriending" shows love thru superior firepower (Zenryokou Zenkai!)
Gundams are your worst nightmare in the battlefield.
SRW beats all foes.
JAM Project pwns all!!!

And I can't still make fanfic without restarting from the start when new ideas comes in...
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Old 2011-08-21, 20:26   Link #33937
DezoPenguin
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaijo View Post
Well, considering I haven't really put up anything for quite awhile now, I thought I'd put up the first few scenes from the third chapter of the Perils sequel. The chapter itself is almost done, so hopefully I'll have the rest soon, but work has been really kicking my ass lately so I haven't had the time to write that I normally do.

So, without further ado... (and it's mostly work safe, at least; the real lemon scenes come later)

Spoiler for Perils of Lost Logia: The 2nd Cumming, Chapter 3: Something Also Rises:


The other two-thirds of this chapter will come later. You may now go back to your regularly scheduled fanfiction!
Actually, that was a pretty good parody of tentacle-horror hentai, with ominous scenes, and hope spots that are quickly snuffed out, interspersed with gags along the way (love the last line ). And yes, a Cthulhu Mythos shout-out was an absolute necessity!
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Old 2011-08-21, 23:42   Link #33938
00-Raiser
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Posted My Second Friend chapter 1
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Old 2011-08-22, 11:18   Link #33939
Old_Iron
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 00-Raiser View Post
This was quite good, though it feels like there's a ting of purple prose in here. A few other errors and one redundancy: "The strong walls standing strong"

No problem with Yuuno's final attack. Did you explicitly take that from To Aru Majutsu no Index when Accelerator compressed air to form plasma, or is that just a coincidence?

A bigger issue, though, is that the Infinite Library is not located on Mid Childa. It's in the TSAB HQ, which is that big spikey thing up in dimensional space. It's essentially a massive space colony.

Still, it was nice you gave Yuuno some glory. I'm actually interested in Hayate and Vivio's thoughts after the event.
Actually I got the idea after reading about star formation and letting my mind wander of just how broken Yukari's Border Manipulation could be. Since Border could be Barrier... It just kind went from there.

I will definitely have to fix that when I rewrite this. Should have done more research on where places were located.

As for Hayate and Vivio... I think that's a good idea to try and write. Gotta determine whether or not Yuuno lives though. Blowing up stars isn't exactly good for your health.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanya01 View Post
Two updates in one day? Wow.

Red

Peek's Mini-Arcs:

Yagami Mid Four Dwell Takamachi Scrya Fatherhood

Spoiler for Blood That Flows - Peek - Harlaown Start:


Spoiler for Comments:
Superb and hilarious. Also, I have a feeling that there are going to be a lot of Harlaown children running around by the time the StrikerS time-frame rolls around.

Poor Yuuno. if its not eldritch abominations, its hormones.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 00-Raiser View Post
That was rather cute. She's got a good friend in Yuuno.
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Old 2011-08-22, 17:11   Link #33940
Tempy
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Originally Posted by Old_Iron View Post
Actually I got the idea after reading about star formation and letting my mind wander of just how broken Yukari's Border Manipulation could be. Since Border could be Barrier... It just kind went from there.
God damn you, Yukari Yakum--- *gap'd to a terrible place*
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