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Old 2011-08-22, 18:09   Link #33941
GaelicDragon
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Kind of amusing...I thought the reference was from Orihime's abilities from Bleach.

One of the fun things about reading from a new author, you'll never know just where their getting a source of their ideas from.
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Old 2011-08-22, 19:33   Link #33942
RadiantBeam
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So, then... anyone else got a dead muse on their hands?
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Old 2011-08-22, 19:39   Link #33943
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*looks at my muse* ...What did you do?

Nanya-muse: BUUUUURP! Sorry, I was just hungry! So I ate it!
Deathcurse-muse: *Whaps Nanya-muse with a trout* That was RadiantBeam-muse's food!
Nanya-muse: WAAAAHHH!! I was just SOOO HUNGRY! *Glomps DC-muse* Forgive me, please?
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Old 2011-08-22, 19:58   Link #33944
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Old_Iron View Post
I will definitely have to fix that when I rewrite this. Should have done more research on where places were located.
Don't worry about it, most people don't look too deeply at locations anyways. But you could easily tweak it to be that they were at the planet side branch of the library (don't know if there is one canonically but some liberties are allowed).
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Old 2011-08-22, 20:38   Link #33945
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Man, I wish I didn't eat all that bread pudding.

Now my stomach hurts.

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Peek's Mini-Arcs:

Yagami Mid Four Dwell Takamachi Scrya Fatherhood

Harlaown Start

Spoiler for Blood That Flows - Peek - Harlaown Part 2:
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Old 2011-08-22, 21:11   Link #33946
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Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
So, then... anyone else got a dead muse on their hands?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanya01 View Post
*looks at my muse* ...What did you do?

Nanya-muse: BUUUUURP! Sorry, I was just hungry! So I ate it!
Deathcurse-muse: *Whaps Nanya-muse with a trout* That was RadiantBeam-muse's food!
Nanya-muse: WAAAAHHH!! I was just SOOO HUNGRY! *Glomps DC-muse* Forgive me, please?
deathcurse-muse: *points at the unconscious RadiantBeam-muse on the ground* So...you totally have to do something about this. It's your fault.
Nanya-muse: But...but... *clings to DC-muse's arm* Help me, please?
deathcurse-muse: *glares and tries to shake Nanya-muse off* It's not my problem! Fix her!
Nanya-muse: *teary-eyed and starts sniffling, looking sad*
deathcurse-muse: ....Fine....I'll....urgh, stop crying! I'll help you, okay? *blushes*
Nanya-muse: WHEEEEEEEEEEE! *squeals and glomps*
RadiantBeam-muse: *still comatose on the floor*

Quote:
Originally Posted by Old_Iron View Post
Greetings to you all. Old Iron here.

I'm relatively new to the author scene, but I hope to improve myself to the point of actually having dialogue and maybe even a plot.

Been reading quite a few Nanoha stories in the past year or so and I figured that I should give it a stab.

Spoiler for I Stand Alone:
Interesting story. It really just threw us into the middle/end of things, and I find that a really neat storytelling technique .

The downside to that kind of technique though, especially in a short story, is that the reader has a hard time connecting with the conflict and the character dilemmas. I didn't really feel like I had a personal, emotional stake in Yuuno's fight, or in the ships crashing, etc. It doesn't ruin the fic, but it is a bit of a loss.

I had a great sense of imagery as I read this, and I could really see the ruins and battlefield and flaming ships as I read . Awesome!

I like this as a short story, personally, both because I like the abrupt start , and also because truthfully, a longer story about Yuuno would probably not have captured my interest (sorry, I'm a biased reader, I admit ). However, expanding it into a longer story could be neat too, since it would give you the chance to explain what led to this conflict and also why people were doing the things that they did. Whatever you decide to do with it, it was a neat read, thanks .

I do wonder though: why is Yuuno worrying about "proving himself" in this story? There weren't really any references to Yuuno feeling weak, looked down on, or self-deprecating in the story, so the ending felt disconnected with the rest of the story. (It actually felt like it was addressing the fandom, actually, as if asking the non-Yuuno fans if he succeeded in being as awesome as the rest of the cast--to which I'd have to say: yes, he did prove his awesomeness . But it felt jarring to me since it was more of a meta-statement). If this is just a snippet of a longer story, then maybe the set-up went in earlier parts. But if it's going to be a stand-alone story, then I'd recommend building up this personal worry of Yuuno's so that the final question has weight .
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Old 2011-08-22, 21:35   Link #33947
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
I do wonder though: why is Yuuno worrying about "proving himself" in this story? There weren't really any references to Yuuno feeling weak, looked down on, or self-deprecating in the story, so the ending felt disconnected with the rest of the story. (It actually felt like it was addressing the fandom, actually, as if asking the non-Yuuno fans if he succeeded in being as awesome as the rest of the cast--to which I'd have to say: yes, he did prove his awesomeness . But it felt jarring to me since it was more of a meta-statement). If this is just a snippet of a longer story, then maybe the set-up went in earlier parts. But if it's going to be a stand-alone story, then I'd recommend building up this personal worry of Yuuno's so that the final question has weight .
The 6th and 7th paragraphs make reference to it. It wasn't only at the end.
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Old 2011-08-22, 23:52   Link #33948
Rising Dragon
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So, then... anyone else got a dead muse on their hands?
Mine's sort of being a bitch still, rather than being dead. All inspiration is for things I can't write yet--and I can't write any of the current stuff due to school. Bah.
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Old 2011-08-23, 00:00   Link #33949
00-Raiser
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My muse is always active, I just don't get around to writing anything. Went out to dinner tonight so I didn't have time to work on my next fic so expect it to be delayed another day or two.
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Old 2011-08-23, 01:01   Link #33950
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Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
So, then... anyone else got a dead muse on their hands?
Look it was an accident, I had the knife in my hands and she startled me and I reacted and... and...

Had to get that out of the way.
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Old 2011-08-23, 01:04   Link #33951
deathcurse
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Originally Posted by 00-Raiser View Post
The 6th and 7th paragraphs make reference to it. It wasn't only at the end.
I saw that, and I suppose that I should amend my statement from "any" to "many"; it still felt more like a meta-statement than a point built up in the story . Perhaps the fic had been written as a Take That to the fandom--in which case, the point was done and done well! But if Old Iron had wanted the point to stand within the story itself, it just wasn't built up enough for me . This may just be a personal preference though, since I like reading stories as disconnected from everything (author, fandom, etc) but what is expressed in the story itself. So it's a comment that should be taken with a grain of salt .
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Old 2011-08-23, 19:55   Link #33952
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Wow, I hadn't expected such a review. I hadn't even thought about that last part being a meta-statement and thinking about it that makes the ending seem rather... surreal? I think.

I've done some reworking to fix a few things and tried to expand on the story so that some of the actions make more sense and to flesh out why Yuuno feels the way he does. I hope so, at least.

It'll also let me try to work in other short stories following the events and possibly parallel to the events. Certainly Hayate and Vivio's reaction is something I should cover at some point. Assuming my muse doesn't suddenly fall apart due to lack of prior use.

I've split it into two parts so that there isn't a sudden massive text bomb. Though it is still fairly long... So without further blathering:

Spoiler for I Stand Alone Part 1:


Spoiler for I Stand Alone Part 2:
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Old 2011-08-23, 19:57   Link #33953
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Laith View Post
Look it was an accident, I had the knife in my hands and she startled me and I reacted and... and...

Had to get that out of the way.
Well, that explains all of the mysterious red stains around my laptop...
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Old 2011-08-23, 20:11   Link #33954
blitz1/2
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Originally Posted by Old_Iron View Post
Wow, I hadn't expected such a review. I hadn't even thought about that last part being a meta-statement and thinking about it that makes the ending seem rather... surreal? I think.

I've done some reworking to fix a few things and tried to expand on the story so that some of the actions make more sense and to flesh out why Yuuno feels the way he does. I hope so, at least.

It'll also let me try to work in other short stories following the events and possibly parallel to the events. Certainly Hayate and Vivio's reaction is something I should cover at some point. Assuming my muse doesn't suddenly fall apart due to lack of prior use.

I've split it into two parts so that there isn't a sudden massive text bomb. Though it is still fairly long... So without further blathering:

Spoiler for I Stand Alone Part 1:


Spoiler for I Stand Alone Part 2:
Much better, it allowed me to understand what was going on, and how Yuuno was really feeling neglected. It wouldn't surprise me why he really wanted to prove himself worthy to his friends.
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Old 2011-08-23, 21:47   Link #33955
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A touch NSFW.

Red

Peek's Mini-Arcs:

Yagami Mid Four Dwell Takamachi Scrya Fatherhood

Harlaown Start

Harlaown Part 2

Spoiler for Blood That Flows - Peek - Harlaown End:
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Last edited by Nanya01; 2011-08-23 at 22:03.
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Old 2011-08-23, 21:56   Link #33956
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No, the only one I could see he want to prove against was himself. He wanted his old life back yes, he wanted his friends to acknowledge him also a yes, but not in arms. What he wanted was a change of his current life, and Scaglietti's convenient war gave him that chance.

... Have fun imagining. xD

Putting that aside, I guess the revelation somewhat... dampens the original one-shot. There's also a sense of incompatibility whenever I try to read part 1 and 2 together. In that sense, it would be better if you keep all the scenes before your one shot as part 1, then keep the original one shot as part 2. Or just remove those scene breaks line from part 2.
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Old 2011-08-23, 22:19   Link #33957
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A touch NSFW.

Red

Peek's Mini-Arcs:

Yagami Mid Four Dwell Takamachi Scrya Fatherhood

Harlaown Start

Harlaown Part 2

Spoiler for Blood That Flows - Peek - Harlaown End:
poor Chrono, having a TAIL slowly but surely shove up in his ASS.

and we got one nice water balloon fight to end the mini-arc. *suddenly got submerged by a Waterga*

Buwah!!! *looks around* Who did that!?

*sound of silence*

I have a bad feeling about this...

*nearly got hit with Pandora Form #422: Grief*

*Gulp* A very Bad feeling....
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JAM Project pwns all!!!

And I can't still make fanfic without restarting from the start when new ideas comes in...
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Old 2011-08-24, 21:42   Link #33958
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Spoiler for Kaiser Mom again:
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Old 2011-08-24, 22:23   Link #33959
mega1987
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I'm gonna ask a stupid question: "Is Olivie's a descendant of Domon and Rain?"
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Darwin's nominee are best for laughs.
MGLN "Befriending" shows love thru superior firepower (Zenryokou Zenkai!)
Gundams are your worst nightmare in the battlefield.
SRW beats all foes.
JAM Project pwns all!!!

And I can't still make fanfic without restarting from the start when new ideas comes in...
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Old 2011-08-24, 23:13   Link #33960
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To add on to the above response...so...this was made from...the power of Rabu Rabu? *shot*
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