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Old 2011-08-28, 21:55   Link #34021
mega1987
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blitz1/2 View Post
While the chapter is awesome, I question the competency of the TSAB at this stage.

Fate: Um guys, we sent Caro and Erio some time ago, shouldn't we check on them?

Staff: Nah...They'll be fine! I mean, it's just pop in, take ferret-boy and then leave, how hard would it be?

Nanoha: But, if he is held hostage, then I don't think those 2 can break through...

Staff: Such worryworts, have faith in your companions.

Fate/Nanoha: I guess so, I mean if they ran in trouble they would contact us right?

Erio (in his mind): WHY AREN'T THEY RESPONDING TO MY MESSAGES AND MY REQUESTS FOR BACKUP?!!!

*urgent message, 4 unread messages*

COmmunication officer: ZZzzzzZz...(snores)
Odin: Lazy CIC's...

You said it mate.*looks at Odin* gonna wake them up?

Odin: Yes. *Wacks the sleeping CIC controler with a steel FAN*

....
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Old 2011-08-28, 22:21   Link #34022
blitz1/2
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Originally Posted by mega1987 View Post
Odin: Lazy CIC's...

You said it mate.*looks at Odin* gonna wake them up?

Odin: Yes. *Wacks the sleeping CIC controler with a steel FAN*

....
Maybe Hong meiling is the CIC controller.
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Old 2011-08-28, 23:34   Link #34023
Astral Corruption
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Originally Posted by Nanya01 View Post
Not until StrikerS at least.

Anyway...

Spoiler for Material Days Part 90:
I'm guessing that this will make things harder for the Materials with their Morality Chain/Pet missing and the only one who could restore their power to beyond full HP and SP when they need it before the final battle with the Aces. Honestly, they are probably killing their barganing chips for both Yuuno and their freedom from the bad joke of a government TSAB. Also, what is going on on Sette's end with Prison Boy's hidden lab, did she find something usefull for them and what about Yuuno? Will he end up back with the Materials who actually care about him beyond a tool that would be later scrapped or did he end up on Mid-Childa with the people who most likely wouldn't notice his existance unless he was caught up in a planet-threatening crisis or something of the like?
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Old 2011-08-29, 14:25   Link #34024
RadiantBeam
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And so, I finally post the fic I've owed DC for who knows how long. In the end, I settled on a short Lindy/Hayate interaction piece, and it only turned out as small as it did because I felt like making it any longer would basically be rehashing Shadowverse's "Daddy's Little Girl".

Also, the title comes from the fact that I didn't want to make another Mama Bear joke after using it for Megane. A wolf seems to suit Lindy better than a bear, anyway.

With all that aside, please enjoy!

Spoiler for Grandmama Wolf:
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Old 2011-08-29, 14:36   Link #34025
Shigan
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
And so, I finally post the fic I've owed DC for who knows how long. In the end, I settled on a short Lindy/Hayate interaction piece, and it only turned out as small as it did because I felt like making it any longer would basically be rehashing Shadowverse's "Daddy's Little Girl".

Also, the title comes from the fact that I didn't want to make another Mama Bear joke after using it for Megane. A wolf seems to suit Lindy better than a bear, anyway.

With all that aside, please enjoy!

Spoiler for Grandmama Wolf:
And so, RB has officially joined the HayaVivi Army of Flaming Moe.

Thou, you know, I don't think anyone has ever tried to put Lindy's relationship to Vivio into text before. I have no idea of how much Lindy would engage herself, or how she would react to the event of her adopted daughter's adopted daughter dating an older woman who could possibly become Mid's first High Marshal of off-world origin xD.

*taps table* I need to give Mid's sociological structure regarding family a little mind spin. Hrmm.

Otherwise, cute RB, really cute =D. Everyone likes a squirming Hayate.
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Shigan's Fanfiction Masterlist -- The Hayate x Vivio Files
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Old 2011-08-29, 15:21   Link #34026
Old_Iron
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 00-Raiser View Post
Sorry to took so long for me to read this.

Anyways, there are no major problems with the additions. It may seem like two separate stories to you, but that's because you wrote them at different times. I've felt the same way using an older passage with a newer one. The readers won't get that feeling, though.

The Jail thing is fine, because that's not the focus. The focus is how Yuuno deals with it. Since you're only focusing in that area, the details of Jail's plan aren't important. Plus, suddenly coming out like that is the idea of a surprise attack

Also, maybe I'm just being concieted but was that a reference to Volvo in there?

Now for problems: start a new paragraph when a new person speaks. I'm honestly surprised by how many authors I see not doing this. You do this a few times, with Hayate and Yuuno's dialouge in the same paragraph, as well as Yuuno and Vivio's.

I wouldn't have Vivio call him 'Yuuno-papa'. Seeing as how a major part of the fic is that he's not had time to be with his friends in a non work related context, then Yuuno wouldn't have a close enough role in Vivio's family to warrant the 'papa' suffix.

Other than that, I think you did a good job.
Thanks for the review. I hadn't thought about the Jail aspect or the reader's POV like that. I'll probably take note of it from my end if I let it sit for a while. And thank you for pointing out those problems, I'll fix those up before I post the final version on ff.net. The dialogue is something that I don't really have much experience with as the only time I do write dialogue is on a forum RPG where I only have to deal with one speaker.

Must practice more!

As for the Volvo reference, sorry. It was unintentional. The reference I did go for was Fighter and Black Mage from 8-Bit Theater.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanya01 View Post
Not until StrikerS at least.

Anyway...

Spoiler for Material Days Part 90:
I can't tell which of the three Materials I like more. You've made them awesome in so many different ways. Can't wait to see how Yuuno deals with the aftermath of this whole situation.

And now, I've written the prologue to a new story idea that wouldn't leave me alone. It may come off as a bit bland, but I wanted to have a starting point for the events that follow, despite how minimally they may end up being linked.

Spoiler for Leave of Absence: Prologue:
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Old 2011-08-29, 15:59   Link #34027
00-Raiser
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Old_Iron View Post
As for the Volvo reference, sorry. It was unintentional. The reference I did go for was Fighter and Black Mage from 8-Bit Theater.
Ah, my bad I thought you were refering to Klaus and Volvo.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Old_Iron View Post
Spoiler for Leave of Absence: Prologue:
A good start. I can only wonder how the internet is going to corrupt Yuuno

One thing: Chrono is spelled with an H
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Old 2011-08-29, 16:20   Link #34028
Yasanagi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 00-Raiser View Post
A good start. I can only wonder how the internet is going to corrupt Yuuno
A certain Avenue Q song comes to mind.

Kinda interested in seeing what hobby comes for him.
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Old 2011-08-29, 16:26   Link #34029
DKN117
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Here, have some crack:

Spoiler for Yuuno Pays His Debt To Hayate:

----------------------------------------

And in case you're wondering, Erio's incident involved a french horn, a pumpkin pie, a picture of Mr. Peanut and Mr. Clean duking it out, and a very angry panda partnered with a bored stork.
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Old 2011-08-29, 16:39   Link #34030
00-Raiser
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DKN117 View Post
Here, have some crack:

Spoiler for Yuuno Pays His Debt To Hayate:

----------------------------------------

And in case you're wondering, Erio's incident involved a french horn, a pumpkin pie, a picture of Mr. Peanut and Mr. Clean duking it out, and a very angry panda partnered with a bored stork.
Heh, that's the kind of experience you tell your therapist about

Very minor issues with the ages: Since they're 10, Hayate wouldn't be able to walk as she was still going through rehab at this point (Nanoha had her accident at 11 and they went through rehab together). Chrono would be 15 at this point too (they were 9 in season 1 and he was 14).

Other than that, enjoyable read.
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Old 2011-08-29, 16:58   Link #34031
deathcurse
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
And so, I finally post the fic I've owed DC for who knows how long. In the end, I settled on a short Lindy/Hayate interaction piece, and it only turned out as small as it did because I felt like making it any longer would basically be rehashing Shadowverse's "Daddy's Little Girl".

Also, the title comes from the fact that I didn't want to make another Mama Bear joke after using it for Megane. A wolf seems to suit Lindy better than a bear, anyway.

With all that aside, please enjoy!

Spoiler for Grandmama Wolf:
Now we so need a story where Vivio gets grilled by the Wolkies ....

Cute, RB! It was really short though , and I would have liked more! It definitely does raise the question of how involved Lindy is with Vivio, and how that might colour her interaction with Hayate after finding out about their relationship .
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Old 2011-08-29, 17:20   Link #34032
RadiantBeam
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shigan View Post
And so, RB has officially joined the HayaVivi Army of Flaming Moe.
If you say so?

Quote:
Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
Now we so need a story where Vivio gets grilled by the Wolkies ....
No.

Quote:
Cute, RB! It was really short though , and I would have liked more! It definitely does raise the question of how involved Lindy is with Vivio, and how that might colour her interaction with Hayate after finding out about their relationship .
Maybe eventually I'll be inspired to do a longer piece. Sadly, this one just wasn't it. I did try to make it longer, but every time I tried I felt like it was turning into another version of "Daddy's Little Girl".
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Old 2011-08-29, 17:44   Link #34033
deathcurse
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Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
No.
It wasn't necessarily directed at you! (Well, not very much! )

Quote:
Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
Maybe eventually I'll be inspired to do a longer piece. Sadly, this one just wasn't it. I did try to make it longer, but every time I tried I felt like it was turning into another version of "Daddy's Little Girl".
True, the way you have it set up could be too similar . Hm...I wonder how Lindy may feel about Hayate in general? I mean, she knew Hayate since Hayate was 9, and helped her with their sentencing and such, and also supported Hayate's career... Perhaps Lindy would even be more on Hayate's side? Or else she knows Hayate's bad points, so her implied threat is even worse?

Fun food for thought ^^. Still, I have to finish "Prerogative" first....
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Old 2011-08-30, 02:04   Link #34034
Shigan
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Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
It wasn't necessarily directed at you! (Well, not very much! )
Feel free to write a grilling one, I only have dibs on the one with the explosions. ^_^
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Old 2011-08-30, 15:41   Link #34035
Nanya01
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This took awhile.

I blame laziness.

Red

Peek's Mini-Arcs:

Yagami Mid Four Dwell Takamachi Scrya Fatherhood Harlaown

Dreams Start

Dreams Part 2

Spoiler for Blood That Flows - Peek - Dreams End:
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Old 2011-08-30, 17:41   Link #34036
mega1987
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanya01 View Post
This took awhile.

I blame laziness.

Red

Peek's Mini-Arcs:

Yagami Mid Four Dwell Takamachi Scrya Fatherhood Harlaown

Dreams Start

Dreams Part 2

Spoiler for Blood That Flows - Peek - Dreams End:
WOW!!!! Complete materials reference in there... including Rai's 4th wall breakage and sanity(whatever's left of it)....

No wedding crashers this time. If not, well the poor soul will be subjected to the Overkill of the life time.
__________________
Darwin's nominee are best for laughs.
MGLN "Befriending" shows love thru superior firepower (Zenryokou Zenkai!)
Gundams are your worst nightmare in the battlefield.
SRW beats all foes.
JAM Project pwns all!!!

And I can't still make fanfic without restarting from the start when new ideas comes in...
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Old 2011-08-30, 18:46   Link #34037
shiroi mahotsukai
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanya01 View Post
This took awhile.

I blame laziness.

Red

Peek's Mini-Arcs:

Yagami Mid Four Dwell Takamachi Scrya Fatherhood Harlaown

Dreams Start

Dreams Part 2

Spoiler for Blood That Flows - Peek - Dreams End:
Takamachi family therapists: No matter who you are, what you've done or had done to you. We promis you'll never worry about anything, not ever again.
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Old 2011-08-30, 19:05   Link #34038
mega1987
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Originally Posted by shiroi mahotsukai View Post
Takamachi family therapists: No matter who you are, what you've done or had done to you. We promise you'll never worry about anything, not ever again.
Mariemeia: Oh! Can I help?

Odin:*Bash Mariemeia's head with Zhuge Liang's battle fan* No.

Mariemeia: Pretty please?*puppy dog eyes*

*Slaps Mariemeia around with a large trout* You'll traumatize her, You blood thirsty assassin.

Mariemeia: Party pooper.

Sarah: At least its not Reia offering Kusuha Mizuha's health Drink to her.

*looks at Sarah* Do not jinx it!
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Darwin's nominee are best for laughs.
MGLN "Befriending" shows love thru superior firepower (Zenryokou Zenkai!)
Gundams are your worst nightmare in the battlefield.
SRW beats all foes.
JAM Project pwns all!!!

And I can't still make fanfic without restarting from the start when new ideas comes in...
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Old 2011-08-30, 19:14   Link #34039
deathcurse
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Originally Posted by Shigan View Post
Feel free to write a grilling one, I only have dibs on the one with the explosions. ^_^
.....Ask and ye shall receive?

An addition to the Hayate x Vivio Files, taking place sometime after "Prerogative of the Brave"...no real spoilers, unless of course you don't want to know if Hayate and Vivio get together or not after "Prerogative"?

Spoiler for Judgement Day:

Spoiler for Author's Note:

Spoiler for Hayate x Vivio Files Chronology:

Last edited by deathcurse; 2011-08-30 at 19:25.
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Old 2011-08-30, 20:43   Link #34040
DezoPenguin
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Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
.....Ask and ye shall receive?

An addition to the Hayate x Vivio Files, taking place sometime after "Prerogative of the Brave"...no real spoilers, unless of course you don't want to know if Hayate and Vivio get together or not after "Prerogative"?

Spoiler for Judgement Day:

Spoiler for Author's Note:

Spoiler for Hayate x Vivio Files Chronology:
And you say that you can't write crack! It started out rather "forced" and stagey (though, to be fair, you actually had Vivio lampshade the set-up), but you won me over with:

Quote:
“It has recently come to our attention,” Vita scowled, the rabbit heads on her hat looking particularly menancing with their tapered eyes and stitched mouths, “that you have certain intentions towards our mistress.”

Recently?” Vivio asked incredulously. “Really?”

“Er…recently for some of us, okay?” Vita snapped, blushing.
and got me laughing with:

Quote:
Signum’s face smoothed over again into her stoic mask. “You are aware of the Ancient Belkan traditions around this issue?”

Vivio paled. “You…you mean with the swords…and the armies…and the silk dresses?”

“No, no,” Vita scoffed, shaking her head.

Vivio gave a sigh of relief.

That ritual is for a marriage proposal,” Shamal said helpfully.
and had me laughing even more with the conclusion. I do hope you're not going to leave it hanging there, are you?

Two minor quibbles:

Spoiler for Quibbleosity:
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