AnimeSuki Forums

Saint X · 2011-10-23, 04:17

Quote:

Originally Posted by Detective-san

Have you seen the Fate thread?

have you Read the part that i said "i have been looking at / posting in"?

Quote:

Originally Posted by wavehawk

- What can you do? More than half of us are certifiably insane, and then you have me, the master breeder of random plot bunnies, spending more time pointing out totally random plot tangents or general stupidity and bedevilling everyone here to write it because I refuse to claim responsibility for any of it....
The Plot Bunnies Song

oh goodie, page claim

Hasumi · 2011-10-23, 04:19

^ Damn, beat me to it.

Yachiyo · 2011-10-23, 04:20

Be right back! I'll play O2mania for a moment

I <3 River Flows in You ^_^

Eratas123 · 2011-10-23, 04:50

Since I feel bad about missing the party, here's the new <Ren> draft.

@ Zero and Wavehawk - Please tell me what you think.

Spoiler:

@ Zero - Corrupt my innocent soul? You're talking about the person who's writing "SWC" and is currently writing a psycho vs psycho noir fic.

wavehawk · 2011-10-23, 04:59

Eratas...sorry, I'm going to put my military freak hat on now...
Those must be the two STUPIDEST "Commandoes" I've ever met.

They fail at Radio silence
They don't cover each other properly as two-man teams do

If they were unprofessional and intentionally stupid (EG like the Dunois Security people I had <Ren> beat the crap out of) in my first story, I would suggest making it pretty obviosu to the reader that that's so...

Essentially, it's similar to or the same as the Accel vs Hound Dogs scene in the Index anime.

ZeroXSEED · 2011-10-23, 05:03

Whoa, I left for three hours and another two page is created!

The draft is good, and the commandos are damn stupid.

Eratas123 · 2011-10-23, 05:10

Quote:

Originally Posted by wavehawk

Eratas...sorry, I'm going to put my military freak hat on now...
Those must be the two STUPIDEST "Commandoes" I've ever met.

They fail at Radio silence
They don't cover each other properly as two-man teams do

If they were unprofessional and intentionally stupid (EG like the Dunois Security people I had <Ren> beat the crap out of) in my first story, I would suggest making it pretty obviosu to the reader that that's so...

Essentially, it's similar to or the same as the Accel vs Hound Dogs scene in the Index anime.

No problem

I really don't know how to write military scenes and that's why I'm writing this right now. I'd appreciate any advice you could give me because it will help when I start writing "what lies in shadows" again.

I'm also going for a bit of the worf effect here. They were cocky because they thought they could beat him easily and they were armed to the teeth too so they didn't expect this one teenager to start picking them off one by one, if you remember in the first part Mark ignored <Ren>'s advice because he assumed they could easily finish it up. They even switch roles in the team to provide a balance but this poses the problem that no one is specifically good at anything, just average over all.

Of course, this will make it all the more apparent how strong <Ren> is when she goes there and utterly demolishes his ass.

The hound dogs scene was exactly where I got this scene though

Don't worry, the part after this won't be copied from index any more.

ZeroXSEED · 2011-10-23, 05:22

Well, if anyone interested (assuming they didn't found it first or is in the military) here's few manuals to help...

Few manuals huh...

Currently reading FM 100-103 "Army Airspace Command and Control in a Combat Zone"

wavehawk · 2011-10-23, 05:27

It doesn't have to be 100% accurate, just reasonably competent. You'd think that a commando unit's members woudl at least have some sense of discipline--or common sense in that they wouldn't underestimate an opponent.

Yachiyo · 2011-10-23, 05:30

*Yawns* +10 chars

ZeroXSEED · 2011-10-23, 05:31

Quote:

Originally Posted by Yachiyo

*Yawns* +10 chars

Are you taking medicine or just a little tired?

Hasumi · 2011-10-23, 05:32

Mga kasabiang matanda (wavehawk): Tubig at pahinga lang 'yan.

ZeroXSEED · 2011-10-23, 05:33

Quote:

Originally Posted by Detective-san

Mga kasabiang matanda (wavehawk): Tubig at pahinga lang 'yan.

Wah geus pada mulai ngaco yeuh, kacau kacau....

wavehawk · 2011-10-23, 05:33

Quote:

Originally Posted by yachiyo

*yawns* +10 chars

- all of them mine!!!!!

Yachiyo · 2011-10-23, 05:34

@Zero nothing, I'm just disappointed because I have exam yesterday, then class tomorrow =.=

ZeroXSEED · 2011-10-23, 05:35

Quote:

Originally Posted by wavehawk

- all of them mine!!!!!

Walah si aki langsung maju, rusuh euy!

@Yachiyo

Part of life as student, I have a whole heck of remedial aside from exam...

Eratas123 · 2011-10-23, 05:36

Quote:

Originally Posted by wavehawk

It doesn't have to be 100% accurate, just reasonably competent. You'd think that a commando unit's members woudl at least have some sense of discipline--or common sense in that they wouldn't underestimate an opponent.

I think I posted that these guys were fresh out of training and had been completing missions successfully so they would naturally be cocky to a point. If I didn't then I most likely deleted it by accident, I'm sorry.

All the intel they received pointed to a lone fugitive who shouldn't even have the capacity to fight back and just got lucky so far in dealing with the previous squad so that also gives them reason to be lax.

Thanks for all the advice though, when I make a new fic with scenes like this I'll be sure to make it more realistic and easier to swallow.

Eratas123 · 2011-10-23, 05:56

@ Zero, Meister, Stratos, and Agetreme - Alright, time for some mood whiplash! Here's the first part of "SWC" Maximillian epilogue. All of the male OC's make an appearance.

Note: Skipped Kyuukai again here, Laura wouldn't let any other girls near her "wife"

Spoiler:

I don't know what I just wrote.

Yachiyo · 2011-10-23, 05:58

^Spoiler +10 chars

MeisterBabylon · 2011-10-23, 06:05

Quote:

Originally Posted by DarkJak2050

Thanks man, but can you re-post it? I might've missed it, sorry. And can you also post it on Fanfic.net if you have an account on there? So it won't get lost on this forum.

I use feedbacks and reviews as "references".

Too lazy to log in.

I'll get to that in a while...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Saint X

its been a long time since an OC thread that i have been looking at / posting in turned 200 pages- and counting the numbers of posters compared to other threads... it's amazing.

*walks off*

Why do you think I'm still here instead of there?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Yachiyo

Nani yatterun dayo, mina-san?

Talking about the weather. It's crazy out here...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eratas123

@ Zero, Meister, Stratos, and Agetreme - Alright, time for some mood whiplash! Here's the first part of "SWC" Maximillian epilogue. All of the male OC's make an appearance.

Note: Skipped Kyuukai again here, Laura wouldn't let any other girls near his "wife"

Spoiler:

I don't know what I just wrote.

You make me wish I had created Max's "harem" properly, then we'd have more action.

But alas, EXAMS! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, WAVEHAWK!! ONORE WAVEHAWK!!!!

2011-10-23, 04:20	Link #4023
Yachiyo ~`Seito Kaichō`~ Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: ~`Afterlife`~	Be right back! I'll play O2mania for a moment I <3 River Flows in You ^_^ __________________

2011-10-23, 04:50	Link #4024
Eratas123 Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2011	Since I feel bad about missing the party, here's the new <Ren> draft. @ Zero and Wavehawk - Please tell me what you think. Spoiler: Team 2 The two commandos walked through the dark hallway with caution in their step, the generators had stopped running a few minutes ago and the electricity was gone for the entire building. "Hey Nancy, do you think the others are okay?" The one leading the way asked. "I'm sure they are Anne. Hell, knowing them, they've probably already caught the fucker and they're having a little victory dance or something." "Well....I'm gonna go radio them to check." Anne picked up the radio from her pocket and asked for a status report. "Team 1, please give a status report." PSSSSHHHHH All that greeted her was the sound of static from her radio. "Nancy, they're not replying." Anne told her friend franticly. "Just try again, It's probably just a miscommunication." She told her. "Team 1, please respond, we need a status report." She spoke with a little more desperation in her voice. CLICK THe radios receiver picked up the others frequency. Anne breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh Thank Go-" "Hi~ I'm afraid these two can't get back to you, they're taking a trip to heaven and they can't get back. I'll be sure to tell them you said hello." The voice who replied was not the one of their teammates, it carried with it a latent sadistic intent. Before Anne could reply, the radio had cut off and they were once again plunged into silence. "Anne...who was that?" Nancy asked her. "I-I don't know." She replied fearfully. "Does this mean that team 1 is..." "...Let's just keep moving." Both operatives started walking with even more caution in their steps, neither knew what was about to happen. <----------------------------------> "Fork ahead." Nancy notified her partner. The hallway ahead split into two paths, neither wanted to do it but they had to split up in order to lessen the search time according to mission parameters. "I'll take the left hall and you take the right, keep your radio on so we can contact each other." Nancy continued. "A-All right." Nancy went to the left hallway and into the grinding facilities, this place was used to flatten and compress different metals for processing in IS equalizer building. klak klak klak klak Her footsteps echoed throughout the metal walkway and echoed all over the area, the shadows around her seemed to grow larger with each passing footstep. CLANG The sound of banging metal suddenly echoed around her, the quiet had been broken. "W-What was that?" She started looking around frantically. HISSSSS The pipes all over the room started giving off sounds of hissing steam. "C-Calm down, it's just a damn pipe" She told herself in an effort to calm down. She started walking again but she failed to notice the pale figure hiding in the shadows. BANG "AHHH!" Splat With a sickening sound, she was thrown though the air and landed near the edge of the walkway. She looked up and saw a pale boy with a shotgun walking towards her with a smirk on his face. "Y-You gotta be kidding me!" She gritted out. "Kidding you?" He put the muzzle of the gun against her jaw. " I don't think so." He smiled before pulling the trigger. BANG The blood from the shot splattered all over his face, his smile grew even wider at the sight. "Hahahahahaha~" He laughed before kicking the woman under the grinders path, she wasn't dead yet, she would still be alive for this. Click The grinder started to move downards towards the helpless woman's body, there was no chance of saving her at this point. "NANCY!" He went back into the shadows as he heard footsteps getting closer, this would make it his 4th kill. "NANCY!" Anne made her way towards the source of the sounds and found a horrifying sight, her partners body about to be crushed. She went to the control panel and frantically pressed all the buttons in an effort to stop the machine. Click The Grinder stopped it's downward spiral but it made no difference, both would die soon enough. Splat Anne looked down and saw that she had stepped into a large puddle of blood. "Wh-What's going on!? This wasn't supposed to happen!" She kneeled down in shock after what she just saw, she was too numb to continue at this point. "I-I'm gonna die here aren't I?" She asked herself. She didn't realize that her death was standing just behind her, smiling as he prepared to end her life. BANG @ Zero - Corrupt my innocent soul? You're talking about the person who's writing "SWC" and is currently writing a psycho vs psycho noir fic.

2011-10-23, 04:59	Link #4025
wavehawk All Decade's Fault Join Date: Jul 2006	Eratas...sorry, I'm going to put my military freak hat on now... Those must be the two STUPIDEST "Commandoes" I've ever met. They fail at Radio silence They don't cover each other properly as two-man teams do If they were unprofessional and intentionally stupid (EG like the Dunois Security people I had <Ren> beat the crap out of) in my first story, I would suggest making it pretty obviosu to the reader that that's so... Essentially, it's similar to or the same as the Accel vs Hound Dogs scene in the Index anime. __________________ "This is the worst webpage ever. Of all time."

2011-10-23, 05:03	Link #4026
ZeroXSEED Jackass Cat Lover Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: SPARTAAAAA!!!!!!	Whoa, I left for three hours and another two page is created! The draft is good, and the commandos are damn stupid. __________________

2011-10-23, 05:22	Link #4028
ZeroXSEED Jackass Cat Lover Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: SPARTAAAAA!!!!!!	Well, if anyone interested (assuming they didn't found it first or is in the military) here's few manuals to help... Few manuals huh... Currently reading FM 100-103 "Army Airspace Command and Control in a Combat Zone" __________________

2011-10-23, 04:19	Link #4022
Hasumi 野球は最高！！ Author Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: ホウエン地方	^ Damn, beat me to it.

2011-10-23, 05:27	Link #4029
wavehawk All Decade's Fault Join Date: Jul 2006	It doesn't have to be 100% accurate, just reasonably competent. You'd think that a commando unit's members woudl at least have some sense of discipline--or common sense in that they wouldn't underestimate an opponent. __________________ "This is the worst webpage ever. Of all time."

2011-10-23, 05:30	Link #4030
Yachiyo ~`Seito Kaichō`~ Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: ~`Afterlife`~	Yawns +10 chars __________________

2011-10-23, 05:32	Link #4032
Hasumi 野球は最高！！ Author Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: ホウエン地方	*Mga kasabiang matanda (wavehawk):* Tubig at pahinga lang 'yan.

2011-10-23, 05:34	Link #4035
Yachiyo ~`Seito Kaichō`~ Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: ~`Afterlife`~	@Zero nothing, I'm just disappointed because I have exam yesterday, then class tomorrow =.= __________________

2011-10-23, 05:56	Link #4038
Eratas123 Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2011	@ Zero, Meister, Stratos, and Agetreme - Alright, time for some mood whiplash! Here's the first part of "SWC" Maximillian epilogue. All of the male OC's make an appearance. Note: Skipped Kyuukai again here, Laura wouldn't let any other girls near her "wife" Spoiler: "So...are all of our "contestants" ready?" Rachel Browning asked with a grin on her face at the blonde haired girl. "Yup! I have everything ready for the show tonight." She smirked in reply. The stage was set, this would be an event that no one in IS academy would forget for long time. <-----------------------> Everyone was gathered around the auditorium with smiles on their faces, this would be one of the greatest events yet. "Honestly, why do we have to be here?" The one who said this was Chifuyu Orimura, she had been dragged from her work by the entire class to watch this so-called "Historic event". "Well...I'm sure the class had a good reason." Maya Yamada was also in the crowd tonight, she was dragged along with Chifuyu though neither knew what was about to happen. "Excuse me, may I please have your attention?" A smiling blonde haired girl was on the stage and addressing the anxious crowd. "I'm sure most of you know why we're here so lets get this started. The first ever "SWC" beauty pageant!" The entire auditorium was filled with the cheers of all the females, they had been looking forward to this the entire day. "First up we have the girl who probably knows more about IS units than most of the students combined. I present to you; Nurse Pyxis-chan!" "WOOOOOH!" "NURSE UNIFORM!" "P-chan!" A person wearing a pink nurse outfit walked onto the stage, his head held high even through the shame. "Now Pyxis-chan, is there anything you'd like to say?" "A REAL MAN DOESN'T LET HIS CLOTHES DECIDE HIS PRIDE! WHAT MATTERS IS WHAT'S ON THE INSIDE!" "WOOOOOOOH! "Thank you for that Pyxis-chan, now I have the next contestant." She turned back to the crowd. "I think you'll know who this is, she's the homeroom teacher of class 1-2 and the engineer for the shooting st@r idol group; Maxine-chan." The next person to walk forward was a silver haired "Girl" dressed in a simple pink Yukata. "PINK KIMONO!" "HE LOOKS SO ELEGANT!" "Anything to say Maxine-chan?" "..." "She" simply looked down and went to stand next to "Pyxis". "Maxine-chan is being quiet so we'll go to our next contestant. She's been piloting the Minerva battle armor for a few months now and a great masseuse to boot; I give you Inuko-chan!" Another figure walked to the stage, this time it was a "Girl" dressed in a dark blue china dress complete with designs. "YESSSS~!" "INUKO-CHAN!" "HE LOOKS SO PRETTY~!" "Do you have any words for our audience Inuko-chan?" "Oh...um, I hope you enjoyed the massages?" The crowd went wild as he went to take his spot next to the others. "Now we have our final two contestants, they wouldn't participate willingly so we had to drag them onto the stage." She signalled towards the back for something. "I give you; Ichiko-chan ad Irish-chan!" And finally, Two people walked into the stage. One a "girl" dressed in the IS academy uniform and the other in a skimpy maid outfit. "THOSE ARE GUYS!?" "I CAN'T SEE ANY HINT OF A MALE!" "DREAMS DO COME TRUE!" "GATTAI~!" "Would you like to say anything to our audience you two?" The girl in the uniform was the first to speak. "Ch-Chifuyu-nee! Help me!" "She" yelled in desperation. "Okay that's enough of that." She grabbed the mic from "her" hand. "Do you have something to say Iris-chan?" "..." The one in the maid outfit simply looked down and stayed quiet like "Maxine". "Then I guess that ends the first part of this show, please stay tuned for what comes after. See you later!" I don't know what I just wrote. Last edited by Eratas123; 2011-10-23 at 06:13.

2011-10-23, 05:58	Link #4039
Yachiyo ~`Seito Kaichō`~ Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: ~`Afterlife`~	^Spoiler +10 chars __________________