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Old 2011-10-01, 12:24   Link #4121
Shiek927
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I liked that you delved into them through Galatea's focus that's not sight -- it feels very poetic/symbolic as she is not using mere superficial sight, but looking at their true character underneath, and she doesn't actually use her eyes. It feels very good just that it makes so much sense. It helps to develop and see insight into them, and Galatea.

As I said, I'm not necessarily criticizing you for the religious aspect; It was merely curious as you pursued that when, all the fics that portray Galatea as truly such was before her manga-reveal that she didn't believe in such things and this came after. This bit was in the last page of chapter 109 when the five Ghosts and Dietrich, began to go to Staff to help Miria. If you can't find it, her words according to Gernot's translation were:

"So far, I never believed in the existence of God and such, but...for the first time, I seriously feel like praying to the God of Rabona. Come back alive, you six warriors, and if possible, bring back a seventh one...".
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Old 2011-10-02, 20:07   Link #4122
lightsenshi
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For anyone interested, I've completed the next chapter of Beginnings. Feedback is always welcomed.
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Old 2011-10-13, 04:00   Link #4123
tripleofive
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Hello!

So, this is me, finally de-lurking - nice to meet you all!

Now, so as not to be completely off topic, here is the first chapter of what I hink is going to turn out to be an epic AU, what-if Claymore fic. I would be really thankful to know what people think of it, and any constructive criticism would be very much appreciated! Also, this focuses a lot on Teresa and baby Clare, so don't read if you're a rabid Teresa and/or Clare hater - are there any actual rabid haters in this fandom?


Spoiler for The Road Not Taken - Chapter One:
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Old 2011-10-14, 21:35   Link #4124
shelter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tripleofive View Post
Hello!

So, this is me, finally de-lurking - nice to meet you all!

Now, so as not to be completely off topic, here is the first chapter of what I hink is going to turn out to be an epic AU, what-if Claymore fic. I would be really thankful to know what people think of it, and any constructive criticism would be very much appreciated! Also, this focuses a lot on Teresa and baby Clare, so don't read if you're a rabid Teresa and/or Clare hater - are there any actual rabid haters in this fandom?
This is just the first chapter, so I can't say very much about it.

I like it that you've chosen to align your narrative to a young Clare. It ups the ante, and the expectations that readers have. To clarify my point, I don't think Clare was a 'baby', but probably several years old. At least that's the impression that I get from reading. The thoughts, reactions, general worldview seem to be of a young child. If that's the feel you were looking for, then it's quite spot-on.

I like your style, the way you pack the action. One paragraph seems to only contain 1-2 major ideas or movements. But watch your sentences. They tend to be a contrast to your succinct paragraphs.

Also, I'm a bit worried about the future chapters. Partly because as a reader I don't have much idea on what the direction will be, except that it's an AU. Also, depending on both how AU-ish & grounded in the canon the story will be, I hope it won't just be a step-by-step detailed revision of the first few chapters of the manga.

Do you have another FFN/ FPress account so anyone else here can see your previous pieces?
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Old 2011-10-15, 23:26   Link #4125
tripleofive
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shelter View Post
This is just the first chapter, so I can't say very much about it.

I like it that you've chosen to align your narrative to a young Clare. It ups the ante, and the expectations that readers have. To clarify my point, I don't think Clare was a 'baby', but probably several years old. At least that's the impression that I get from reading. The thoughts, reactions, general worldview seem to be of a young child. If that's the feel you were looking for, then it's quite spot-on.

I like your style, the way you pack the action. One paragraph seems to only contain 1-2 major ideas or movements. But watch your sentences. They tend to be a contrast to your succinct paragraphs.

Also, I'm a bit worried about the future chapters. Partly because as a reader I don't have much idea on what the direction will be, except that it's an AU. Also, depending on both how AU-ish & grounded in the canon the story will be, I hope it won't just be a step-by-step detailed revision of the first few chapters of the manga.

Do you have another FFN/ FPress account so anyone else here can see your previous pieces?
Oh, I don't mean she's actually a baby, I just call the little Clare from the Teresa arc 'baby Clare', as opposed to the more common 'little', 'young' or 'child' Clare. I always figured she was around 8-10 years old in that arc...

Also, I can assure you that this is most definitely NOT a rewrite of canon - things are going to be very different, though I can't say anymore yet. i should be posting the second chapter here soon, so you can see for yourself then!

Thank you very much for your concrit, but I'm not quite sure what you meant about the sentences - that they're too long, or wordy? I'm not the best at dialogue, so any advice there is very welcomed!

And finally, yeah, I have a fanfic.net account, but this is my only Claymore story, and also my first story in, like, a year, so it's probably not that useful - I'm incandescentkitsune there (not sure how to link.)

Once again, thank you so much for commenting!
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Old 2011-10-16, 03:04   Link #4126
shelter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tripleofive View Post
Thank you very much for your concrit, but I'm not quite sure what you meant about the sentences - that they're too long, or wordy? I'm not the best at dialogue, so any advice there is very welcomed!
I think the dialogue is fine the way it is.

What I meant is dialogue is best left as it is, or to stand alone with a speech tag (e.g "Let's go," she said.) In your case you describe dialogue & action together, which I felt clutters the flow of your story.
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Old 2011-10-16, 05:16   Link #4127
tripleofive
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shelter View Post
I think the dialogue is fine the way it is.

What I meant is dialogue is best left as it is, or to stand alone with a speech tag (e.g "Let's go," she said.) In your case you describe dialogue & action together, which I felt clutters the flow of your story.
Really? Whenever I try to do that, I always feel that the story gets too...clunky, almost. When I insert the speech into the action, it helps me visualize it in my mind - maybe it's just me.

Well, the second chapter will be posted soon, so you can tell me if I've improved on that aspect or not!
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Old 2011-10-19, 17:34   Link #4128
revan5
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http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6610358/...r_eyed_Empress

The latest chapter is out for everyone's enjoyment!
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Old 2011-10-19, 18:51   Link #4129
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I kept seeing the artwork for the Silver Eyed Empress and so I finally decided to read what you posted Revan5. It appears pretty damn legit, but I had a Captain Obvious moment when I considered that I would know more of what was going on if I just started reading the chapter 1 first.

Thumbs up my friend.
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Old 2011-10-23, 16:11   Link #4130
revan5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nixl View Post
I kept seeing the artwork for the Silver Eyed Empress and so I finally decided to read what you posted Revan5. It appears pretty damn legit, but I had a Captain Obvious moment when I considered that I would know more of what was going on if I just started reading the chapter 1 first.

Thumbs up my friend.
Many thanks Nixl. As a reward, I've posted RBN's latest work for your enjoyment here and in the Image thread.



This is how he imagines Claire's daughter Teresa growing up to look like. Everyone can have fun imagining less-than-totally-serious Teresa giving her uber-serious mom problems.
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Old 2011-10-23, 16:20   Link #4131
Nixl
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One quick question for you Reven5. Are you a European history major/grad student by chance? Reading the names of the characters reminded me of European nobility and that seems like a subtle factor that a history major would have up their sleeves.
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Old 2011-10-23, 16:30   Link #4132
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Originally Posted by Nixl View Post
One quick question for you Reven5. Are you a European history major/grad student by chance? Reading the names of the characters reminded me of European nobility and that seems like a subtle factor that a history major would have up their sleeves.
What? Accusing a grad student of International Relations whose second love is history of knowing European nobility? Shocking! Alright Nixl, since you seem to be catching onto my tendencies, just which characters/their names are inspired by historical European nobility? Of course there's a whole other side to the story's inspirations in the names. I would invite you to think about the last name "Havel" for a moment and think about who in Eastern Europe of some importance a few decades ago shared that name.
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Old 2011-10-23, 16:54   Link #4133
Nixl
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Aha! I knew it. For a claymore fanfiction, it is also reads like a Medieval European story of family succession and/or power-plays. There is far too much consideration of politics, family/faction relations, and selective marriages for it be made by anyone other than an European history enthusiast. Although, international relations was my second guess.

Give me a second to remember Havel, I am drawing a blank at the moment since I was a major of History with Asian studies.

edit: The only thing I can come up with is Valcav Havel, the former Czech dissident turned president.
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Old 2011-10-30, 19:12   Link #4134
White Silver King
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There's a guy on Deviant Art who draws his own Claymore Doujinshi and OCs. His art looks almost exactly like Yagi's (so it's really really good) and his concepts are really creative. He's only uploaded the pages in parts but they're all fantastic I'll find a link. My favorite of his characters is the number 6 of Isley's generation that he made, Samuel of White Aria, he's a young kid who used to hum songs to himself when he killed Yoma (hence the name).

Here's the link to his Gallery. His "Awa Doujinshi", "Awakened", and "Claymore" sub-galleries all have Claymore stuff.

Here are some of my favorites:

Claymore Riful:
Spoiler:


OC Claymore Sarah:
Spoiler:


OC Claymore Samuel (Awakened Human Form):
Spoiler:


OC Sarah vs Teresa
Spoiler:
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Old 2011-11-12, 05:56   Link #4135
Weird D
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Might as well bump the thread a little.
Spoiler for Outtake : the Roxanne effect:
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Old 2011-12-06, 15:26   Link #4136
Blue Pentacle
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Hi there,


It has been a long time since I last posted here, on any particular subject, but with good reason as other things, and IRL, have been keeping me busy .


Still, it is nice to be back and with some news too. As some may recall, I conceived and completed a short story series titled "Strange Consorts" - the peculiar tale of a meeting between a young Raki and Luciela of the South, and what came to pass for them.


Expressing interest in continuing the stories, and with much good reception, I have been planning and considering when I could and am pleased to finally offer the first part of a new work - "Strange Consorts: Bad for Business"


The first part can be found below:


Quote:
Spoiler for Strange Consorts: Bad for Business Part 1:



I hope this stirs some consideration and enjoyment in this continuing unusual friendship between the boy and the Abyssal One.


Blue Pentacle.
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Last edited by Blue Pentacle; 2011-12-10 at 13:47.
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Old 2011-12-07, 14:14   Link #4137
Shiek927
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Firstly, I just want to point out how sad it is that the fanfiction thread now seems to be joining the other threads into fading -- aside from the image thread (which may eventually join the same fate), I thought this one would never fade like all the others...but nobody commented on Dany's fic? It's sad...

But not to worry Blue - I was pretty much your primary, and only, reviewer really so that doesn't change

I'm happy to see this story finally gets it's long-awaited sequel -- your take is so interesting because, as I told you before, rather then going for an epic that involves tons of characters, the fate of the island etc....you focus purely and especially on one thing, which is what we want the most of anyway: Character development. You focus purely and solely on their relationship that it, in a way, more then makes up for everything else.

It can make your style overwhelming, as it was for me in the beginning....but I've grown accustomed to your style; I would nitpick and critique, but I'm passed that really -- you've plainly decided to stick with the way you've been writing since the first chapter, and really, at this point, I'm used to it so it really doesn't matter anyway.

And as far as errors in this chapter, nitpicking is really all I can say, which, at this point, It's not worth it anymore.....the old errors like, Raki isn't really from the Southern region (better translations put him in the Southern part of Lautrec...the West; Riful territory), which isn't confirmed to be named "Mucha".....Luciella could only have been weakened by other Abyssals or beings on her level no matter how many or how strong.....etc; nitpicks which, at this point, isn't even worth bringing up anymore.

Really, I don't even want to critique about anything to be honest -- in general, I'm just happy that a new chapter has been made. We have your overwhelming detail as usual which, while in someways is excessive, truly pulls you into the world in a way few have done before; your creativity in coming up with the various town names (and making the central region much more populated - aside from Rabona, their really isn't any notable city-states or towns)...again, rather then focusing on the bigger events with the various main characters, warriors etc....you focus solely and purely on Raki and Luciella in this big big world which is something truly unique and grossly needed more.

Really, if their is one true critique, it's this -- this chapter, has no title...it's fine if you don't want to make any, since the last story didn't for any of the chapters; however, the story is called "Strange Consorts: Bad for Business"....in the spoiler tag however, you write only "Part 1" which makes it imply that BFB is the name of the chapter and this is part 1, of chapter 1. You should clarify and probably edit this to make it better.

I'm curious about what kind of business these people are running; no doubt illicit and dark -- if I had to guess, perhaps slave-traders, people working with the Org to supply children, the mining camps....hell, maybe even something involving women which places Luciella under watchful eyes as well. It definitely sounds enticing as it's something, again, that is difficult to guess at because, in general, it's rare that such focus is put on things like this.

Their's alot I feel I could say, but I do want to stay on topic, and really, the message I'm saying is a simple one -- that it's good you're continuing the story and a new one has been made to enjoy.
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Last edited by Shiek927; 2011-12-07 at 15:53.
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Old 2011-12-10, 14:14   Link #4138
Blue Pentacle
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Thank you, Shiek927.


It is good to hear your considered reviews again and I do appreciate the points raised; familiar and understood but I am glad that you have enjoyed the first part.


I am also happy to hear that my intentions seemed to be realised in the course of the text, and that the relationship between Raki and Luciela remains a central draw for readers .


You do raise good points in regards to where the story may go, and I hope that the next part will answer some questions and add further texture to the world, as it is.


Thanks again for your reviews .
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Old 2011-12-14, 15:35   Link #4139
revan5
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Spoiler for RBN's first efforts at visualizing "Claymore: New Era" as a manga:


If you ever wondered why Shiek doesn't sympathize with my complaints that he never reads my work, you now know why. Ironically this may be harder for him to ignore, as he can actually enjoy this as a manga.
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Old 2011-12-20, 12:34   Link #4140
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Okay, here's the latest humor bit, directly born from the chapter 120 discussion thread. Enjoy!

Spoiler for Outtake : leadership issues:
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