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Old 2011-11-08, 17:54   Link #34861
mega1987
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanya01 View Post
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Spoiler for Blood That Flows - Peek - Meetings Start:
Me: Why do I have a feeling Xellos will be in a headlock?

Val and Odin: Lina.

Reia: Oh boy! Is Nanoha's way of making friends is spreading thru out her friends?

Iris: If it is... It's gonna hurt.

Me: And WHY in the world I'm thinking of Mazinkaiser from the word MaShinzoku?

Odin: Well...It could be someone have have quoted that a certain hot-blooded individual can become a God or a Demon.

Val:That certain individual who just suggested to break an AT-Field of a freaking Angel with Brute Force...
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Darwin's nominee are best for laughs.
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And I can't still make fanfic without restarting from the start when new ideas comes in...

Last edited by mega1987; 2011-11-08 at 18:18.
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Old 2011-11-09, 03:23   Link #34862
vic-vic
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanya01 View Post
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Spoiler for Blood That Flows - Peek - Meetings Start:
Xellos opened his eyes... now It`s Suzuka`s time to be scared.
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Old 2011-11-09, 03:45   Link #34863
mega1987
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Originally Posted by vic-vic View Post
Xellos opened his eyes... now It`s Suzuka`s time to be scared.
Then Suzuka gone into panic, suddenly push Xellos away without holding her strength and send the poor Mazoku crashing into several trees as the rest arrived and not to mention Suzuka's got a nervous smile while the kids are gawking at what just happen...

From what i can foresee atm... but we'll never know till nanya brings the next part out...
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MGLN "Befriending" shows love thru superior firepower (Zenryokou Zenkai!)
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JAM Project pwns all!!!

And I can't still make fanfic without restarting from the start when new ideas comes in...
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Old 2011-11-09, 19:54   Link #34864
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Index

A plot tossed as an idea in IRC. It didn't turn out as planned and I'm not that happy with it... But since it's a lot longer than expected, I didn't want to scrap it. Hence, I hope some of you get some enjoyment out of it.

This is a two-part story. The second part will be a bit closer to the initial core concept.

Spoiler for Fate's Dilemma: The Beginning:
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Old 2011-11-09, 21:49   Link #34865
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AtomicoX View Post
Index

A plot tossed as an idea in IRC. It didn't turn out as planned and I'm not that happy with it... But since it's a lot longer than expected, I didn't want to scrap it. Hence, I hope some of you get some enjoyment out of it.

This is a two-part story. The second part will be a bit closer to the initial core concept.

Spoiler for Fate's Dilemma: The Beginning:
Mm... I could kind of see what you meant by 'it didn't turn out as planned'. I'll try to go in detail on my reviewing.

I assume that you're seeing the story playing out in your head as a movie sequence/trailer style, correct me if I'm wrong. The mistake here is that you're trying to depict absolutely everything precisely as if from an omniscient view. By no means I'm encouraging you to cut on details (In fact you seem to lack on it to create the correct atmosphere), but although I'm unable to pinpoint exactly what there seems to be details of your story that should be best left with vague words and no explanation. There is no sense of mystery and anticipation, much less madness, both which are especially crucial when you're writing from a 1st person PoV.

Incoherent thoughts, warped sense of reality, the slow deterioration of one's mind, corrosion of belief etc are the general few things you have to depict not in precision but in sync to the victim's state of the mind. Do not be afraid (Something I have to tell myself >_>) to use screams such as "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"; used right and they never fail to bring out the terror of emotion.

Random question. Are you trying to hint that HIM > Him with the all-caps emphasis? Whatever your answer, all-caps have the tendency to ruin moods really bad (It has to run with a suitable font too. Calibri ftw! ^^), and in this case it did.

Well, Extrinsical is a master of emotional writing with simple words and sentences, perhaps you can try to reading her stories? Though they are the exact opposite of your chosen theme, in which case you might benefit more going through some Stephen King books. Although they could be boring as hell sometimes.
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Old 2011-11-09, 22:07   Link #34866
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Or just some of his short story collections. There's at least one story like that in each of them, and they're far more succinct than most of his novels.
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Old 2011-11-10, 04:53   Link #34867
NorthernFallout
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Originally Posted by Craxuan View Post
I assume that you're seeing the story playing out in your head as a movie sequence/trailer style, correct me if I'm wrong.
Not really, actually. I'm surprised it comes across like that, but there I go.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Craxuan View Post
The mistake here is that you're trying to depict absolutely everything precisely as if from an omniscient view. By no means I'm encouraging you to cut on details (In fact you seem to lack on it to create the correct atmosphere), but although I'm unable to pinpoint exactly what there seems to be details of your story that should be best left with vague words and no explanation. There is no sense of mystery and anticipation, much less madness, both which are especially crucial when you're writing from a 1st person PoV.
I think this summarizes my main problems with horror (and I'm not used to 1st person PoV, so that explains that). I've read a lot of Lovecraft and tried to emulate that, but there's something missing. I think I fail to decide when to use details and when not to. I'm also bad at foreshadowing and mystery in general, lol.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Craxuan View Post
Incoherent thoughts, warped sense of reality, the slow deterioration of one's mind, corrosion of belief etc are the general few things you have to depict not in precision but in sync to the victim's state of the mind. Do not be afraid (Something I have to tell myself >_>) to use screams such as "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"; used right and they never fail to bring out the terror of emotion.
I'd have to disagree here, but it's more of a personal thing. As you say with using caps for "him" below, using outbursts like this breaks the mood, for me. Massively. I can see their usage, but I rarely see them in actual novels and I really don't like them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Craxuan View Post
Random question. Are you trying to hint that HIM > Him with the all-caps emphasis? Whatever your answer, all-caps have the tendency to ruin moods really bad (It has to run with a suitable font too. Calibri ftw! ^^), and in this case it did.
Using caps might have not been the best thing ever, agreed. I needed something to put on some emphasis... but perhaps just the fact that I don't mention what "he" is would have sufficed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Craxuan View Post
[...]benefit more going through some Stephen King books. Although they could be boring as hell sometimes.
I actually have some of them in my queue, so I'm getting to them eventually.

Thanks for your thoughts. All is welcome in my quest to improve.
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Old 2011-11-10, 17:26   Link #34868
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Meetings Start

Spoiler for Blood That Flows - Peek - Meetings End:


Spoiler for Comments:
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Old 2011-11-10, 17:54   Link #34869
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanya01 View Post
Little grammatical mistake,
"Lina's hometown." Yuuno grinned at Suzuka, who blinked at him. "Hey, I remember that much at least."
Should be Arisa.

Other than that, good job!
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Old 2011-11-10, 17:58   Link #34870
mega1987
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanya01 View Post
Peek's Mini-Arcs:

Yagami Mid Four Dwell Takamachi Scrya Fatherhood Harlaown Dreams Dance Healing Twins Advice History Onwards Cycle Playdate Forging

BTF Omakes:

Old Iron Omakes 1, 2, 3 Mr Snuggles Omake Oh Bandit Tree Old Iron Omakes 4, 5

Meetings Start

Spoiler for Blood That Flows - Peek - Meetings End:


Spoiler for Comments:
Me: Did I really Jinx Xellos to be in a headlock?

Odin: Don't push it, mate.

Me: I know. I know. It was a gut feeling, after all.

Val: And Arisa was trying to break the 4th wall back there... "Plot device"... Yeah, right. Try getting lost in time and space and sooner or later you'll find your existence is actually a fantasy or fiction in some realms and/or dimensions...

Reia: Like what happened to you?

Val: Don't remind me of my hundred years or so of going from one dimension to another trying to get back home, Rei....
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Darwin's nominee are best for laughs.
MGLN "Befriending" shows love thru superior firepower (Zenryokou Zenkai!)
Gundams are your worst nightmare in the battlefield.
SRW beats all foes.
JAM Project pwns all!!!

And I can't still make fanfic without restarting from the start when new ideas comes in...
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Old 2011-11-10, 18:30   Link #34871
shiroi mahotsukai
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Originally Posted by Nanya01 View Post
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BTF Omakes:

Old Iron Omakes 1, 2, 3 Mr Snuggles Omake Oh Bandit Tree Old Iron Omakes 4, 5

Meetings Start

Spoiler for Blood That Flows - Peek - Meetings End:


Spoiler for Comments:
I wonder if the meaning of Great-grandmother has sunk in yet, after all my Great-grandmother is eighty-seven.
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Old 2011-11-10, 18:36   Link #34872
mega1987
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Originally Posted by shiroi mahotsukai View Post
I wonder if the meaning of Great-grandmother has sunk in yet, after all my Great-grandmother is eighty-seven.
She might be thing of spoiling them to death.... IMO
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Darwin's nominee are best for laughs.
MGLN "Befriending" shows love thru superior firepower (Zenryokou Zenkai!)
Gundams are your worst nightmare in the battlefield.
SRW beats all foes.
JAM Project pwns all!!!

And I can't still make fanfic without restarting from the start when new ideas comes in...
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Old 2011-11-10, 21:11   Link #34873
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Spoiler for Hayate Tentacles!:


Kaijo, I cannot find another image that so perfectly fits your ero story.
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Old 2011-11-11, 02:00   Link #34874
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Originally Posted by Craxuan View Post
Spoiler for Hayate Tentacles!:


Kaijo, I cannot find another image that so perfectly fits your ero story.
*Starts running in the opposite direction.*

No one is safe......
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Old 2011-11-11, 02:32   Link #34875
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanya01 View Post
Peek's Mini-Arcs:

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BTF Omakes:

Old Iron Omakes 1, 2, 3 Mr Snuggles Omake Oh Bandit Tree Old Iron Omakes 4, 5

Meetings Start

Spoiler for Blood That Flows - Peek - Meetings End:


Spoiler for Comments:
I bet, Xellos secretly enjoy this headlocks.

Hey, now I realise, that spanking those twins very much useless: being half-mazoku they will (or may) enjoy it too.
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Old 2011-11-11, 07:07   Link #34876
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Originally Posted by TheCuriousFan View Post
*Starts running in the opposite direction.*

No one is safe......
Nothing is sacred!
We are Blackwatch Animesuki!
We are the last line of defence!
We will burn our own to hold the red line!
It is the last line to ever hold!
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Old 2011-11-12, 01:39   Link #34877
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Finally off of the forge comes Swords and Shields chapter 3!

I hope you enjoy it and this marks the longest chapter I have ever written to date.

Also, because of post size limits. I'm chopping this into two parts.

Spoiler for Swords and Shields: Chapter 3: Part 1:
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Last edited by Old_Iron; 2011-11-12 at 01:46. Reason: minor fixes
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Old 2011-11-12, 01:41   Link #34878
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And here's the rest of it.

Spoiler for Swords and Shields: Chapter 3: Part 2:
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Old 2011-11-12, 03:24   Link #34879
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Mm... Okay review time.

I do think Fate was a little OOC for looking down on Yuuno, because throughout Nanoha and As he was the one and absolute defender that could even block Reinforce's full magic with ease. In my opinion she would find it hard to believe that Yuuno managed to hold his ground against Signum, but simply decided to put the matter at the back of her mind. She was a calm and calculated person by nature, and counting in her job as an Enforcer being skeptical does not seem to be in nature.

Erio and Caro seemed to have the mind of a three years old for some reason. They have went through the Scaglietti incident, so I would expect his explanation on Signum/Yuuno's battle to be more comprehensible that Fate and Nanoha cannot fail to pick up some battle traits unique only to Yuuno's. He was just experimenting on his spells, and while he might like to test them out as much as possible he would still inevitably rely more on his old skills to fight.

Plus Caro is the bubbly kind, not Erio. The way he acted felt even far immature as compared to the him when first introduced in StrikerS.

Fate got caught off guard was totally okay though. Signum's mindset change was extremely interesting to read. Truthfully speaking I do not believe Signum would ever allow her own desires to affect her beliefs (Which she seem to totally forget here to the very fundamentals), but this still is an 'if' scenario after all.

I do need to criticize on how Signum thought that Hayate 'did not improve' like Fate though; totally out of place. Anyone else would be fine, but the Yagami family alone cannot fail to see Hayate's tremendous efforts was for anything but to improve herself and the world. Signum must also know that Hayate was utterly unsuited for combat (Hayate herself admitted that she might even lose to Caro) despite her SS magic output. If you meant something about tactics/politics/intellectual practice it would still seem out of place as, like I've said before, anyone can slack off but just not her. Even if Signum's mind was not right at the moment.

Yeah, I'm a Hayate fan and biased and feel rage against this injustice, in fact... CHANGE THAT PART! CHANGE IT! *throws rocks*
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Old 2011-11-12, 10:56   Link #34880
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Craxuan View Post
Mm... Okay review time.

I do think Fate was a little OOC for looking down on Yuuno, because throughout Nanoha and As he was the one and absolute defender that could even block Reinforce's full magic with ease. In my opinion she would find it hard to believe that Yuuno managed to hold his ground against Signum, but simply decided to put the matter at the back of her mind. She was a calm and calculated person by nature, and counting in her job as an Enforcer being skeptical does not seem to be in nature.

Erio and Caro seemed to have the mind of a three years old for some reason. They have went through the Scaglietti incident, so I would expect his explanation on Signum/Yuuno's battle to be more comprehensible that Fate and Nanoha cannot fail to pick up some battle traits unique only to Yuuno's. He was just experimenting on his spells, and while he might like to test them out as much as possible he would still inevitably rely more on his old skills to fight.

Plus Caro is the bubbly kind, not Erio. The way he acted felt even far immature as compared to the him when first introduced in StrikerS.

Fate got caught off guard was totally okay though. Signum's mindset change was extremely interesting to read. Truthfully speaking I do not believe Signum would ever allow her own desires to affect her beliefs (Which she seem to totally forget here to the very fundamentals), but this still is an 'if' scenario after all.

I do need to criticize on how Signum thought that Hayate 'did not improve' like Fate though; totally out of place. Anyone else would be fine, but the Yagami family alone cannot fail to see Hayate's tremendous efforts was for anything but to improve herself and the world. Signum must also know that Hayate was utterly unsuited for combat (Hayate herself admitted that she might even lose to Caro) despite her SS magic output. If you meant something about tactics/politics/intellectual practice it would still seem out of place as, like I've said before, anyone can slack off but just not her. Even if Signum's mind was not right at the moment.

Yeah, I'm a Hayate fan and biased and feel rage against this injustice, in fact... CHANGE THAT PART! CHANGE IT! *throws rocks*
*is hit by numerous rocks* Ow, ow, OW! You hit me in the eye.

Thanks for the review. I apparently screwed up quite a bit this time around. To be honest, I probably have the least grasp on Caro and Erio's characters, so that section will have to be rewritten completely. Much more research will be needed. I needed someone to witness the fight that wasn't part of the core group, and chose him for the job.

Rewriting that section will also let me tweak Fate some so she is more IC.

As for the mindset change, I am trying to play up her desire to fight. Do you think I should tone it down or maybe even rewrite it? Because what you're saying seems like I'm starting to derail her character completely.

I must edit or completely rewrite that portion about Hayate 'not improving'. It actually has its place, but I apparently wrote it so poorly that it came out making no sense. The idea was to create a plot thread that would find a way for Hayate to become more combat capable so that in the event something did manage to engage her in battle, she wouldn't be completely overwhelmed.

Many thanks for pointing these things out. Now would you please stop throwing rocks at me?

*POW!*

...ow. *falls over*
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