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Old 2011-11-11, 22:58   Link #7361
EthernalRain
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@ Eratas: To answer earlier questions:

Kyuukai can have sex with Laura before the final battle, go ahead. Just no lemon, alright? When I'm older, and the story is long since completed... I will admit to wanting to write a lemon now, but I will not untill I'm older.

If I have time, I can help a bit. But not a lot, since time is precious and limited to me at the moment. I'm working on Heart of the Machine while foruming here.

@ Jak: Speed up the plot a little, and give more a description on the team's backstory, why they're here, what's their individual drives, etc.
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Old 2011-11-11, 22:58   Link #7362
Eratas123
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@ Jak - Story wise it's fine. I can't judge writing style since mine's pretty bad and I'm inexperienced. Sorry, wish I could help more.

@ Rain - I can't write a fight scene let alone a sex scene. So don't worry about me showing those two doing it. I'll need your help in the fight and romance scenes. I'm not particularly good at either.

Side note - Any advice you guys have for me for my fics?
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Old 2011-11-11, 23:13   Link #7363
EthernalRain
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@ Eratas: I'll give more advice after I come back from a get together. I'm volunteering at a veteran's home near my school with some friends tonight. Actually, I don't know if I'll be back in time to post some more, so I'll just bid you all good night right now.

Have a nice Remembrance Day. (Salutes to everybody*) Lest we forget.
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Old 2011-11-11, 23:14   Link #7364
ZeroXSEED
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For Shadow, none, so far so good, at least you already set the plot.

For Cliche fluff, no comments.

On the other hand, I just read Sacred Twins and realize it's filled with flaw to the point I'm confused myself about what should I do... I want to ask opinion from you guys, please.
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Old 2011-11-11, 23:15   Link #7365
Eratas123
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@ Rain - Have fun Rain I'll be going on a field trip tom and I know there'll be 9 pages when I get back

@ Zero - I haven't been able to read lately due to story making and essay writing. So I can't give advice, sorry Why don't you post the part here that you have trouble with? I could probably read that.
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Old 2011-11-11, 23:17   Link #7366
Masuzu
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ZeroXSEED View Post
For Shadow, none, so far so good, at least you already set the plot.

For Cliche fluff, no comments.

On the other hand, I just read Sacred Twins and realize it's filled with flaw to the point I'm confused myself about what should I do... I want to ask opinion from you guys, please.
I'll read all of Sacred Twins when vacation rolls in, there's just so much of it.
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Old 2011-11-11, 23:21   Link #7367
ZeroXSEED
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Ah, well, for starter, please read the first three chapter because 100% of the dialogue is copied from Bakatsuki (how shameful) and I add 33% more, though the monologue is tad bit different.

Finally finished Stratos' Fic, next is HotM, which considering the sheer size and complexity of timeline, would take along time to digest it...
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Old 2011-11-11, 23:21   Link #7368
MeisterBabylon
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Originally Posted by ZeroXSEED View Post
A Deconstruction of Thirty Sue Pileup?
In a sense. After all, sues done right do sell (see: Amagami, K-on!, Bakemonogatari, Mirai Nikki). Even when they aren't done properly, they can defy logic and sell (Infinite Stratos, Hidan no Aria).

So, when everyone's a sue, who can complain?
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Old 2011-11-11, 23:23   Link #7369
ZeroXSEED
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Thumbs up

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeisterBabylon View Post
In a sense. After all, sues done right do sell (see: Amagami, K-on!, Bakemonogatari, Mirai Nikki). Even when they aren't done properly, they can defy logic and sell (Infinite Stratos, Hidan no Aria).

So, when everyone's a sue, who can complain?
It's much, MUCH better than the initial concept where the tropes are played straight. I'm definitely not one to complain, Sire!

Any suggestion for my fic?
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Old 2011-11-11, 23:24   Link #7370
Eratas123
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@ Meister - Star Wars: Force Unleashed is a good example of a Sue done right. Twilight is the opposite. Not a twilight hater, but the plot is obviously a wish fulfillment story.
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Old 2011-11-11, 23:28   Link #7371
ZeroXSEED
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Originally Posted by Eratas123 View Post
@ Meister - Star Wars: Force Unleashed is a good example of a Sue done right. Twilight is the opposite. Not a twilight hater, but the plot is obviously a wish fulfillment story.
Used to be Twilight hater here, and for justified reason.

Zero's Twin: "Why can't you more like Edward?"

Zero: "Because I'm exist and I'm a jerkass played unsympathetically?"

Zero's Twin: "Lol you're right! I won't ask again"

Zero:

I Admit the special effect and makeup is damn excellent though! Also, narmful sex scene.
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Old 2011-11-11, 23:34   Link #7372
MeisterBabylon
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Zero no Wincest rules them all.
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Old 2011-11-11, 23:35   Link #7373
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MeisterBabylon View Post
Zero no Wincest rules them all.
Making Madoka based on his own twin is the final piece of evidence.
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Old 2011-11-11, 23:35   Link #7374
Eratas123
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@ Zero - The plot has so many double standards and favoritism it's ridiculous.

1. Bella calls herself plain.....then proceeds to describe herself using terms such as "Ivory skinned" and "Golden brown locks"

2. Bella calls people who shops and are interested in fashion as shallow bitches.....until her vampire girl friend does the same thing and she doesn't have a single complaint.

3. A girl cries because a guy doesn't like her? Get over it.

Jacob cries because Bella doesn't like her? OMG! Poor baby!

4. Edward acts like an abuser does in real life; Stalking her and forbidding her from seeing her friends just because.

5. Bella turns into an all powerful and beautiful half vampire who can pretty much do anything.

6. Their daughter does nothing except act creepily and everybody treats her like she's God's gift to man.
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Old 2011-11-11, 23:40   Link #7375
ZeroXSEED
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MeisterBabylon View Post
Zero no Wincest rules them all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Detective-san View Post
Making Madoka based on his own twin is the final piece of evidence.
Hey, at least there's no open route for it. In a way, Sacred Twins is wish fulfillment, except 300 times more incestuous and official

(Just kidding, seriously, you guys.... )

@Eratas

Let's save our (justifiable) hate for Twilight, moving to plot again!
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Old 2011-11-11, 23:41   Link #7376
wavehawk
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EthernalRain View Post
"Alright!" She stand up with determination. "We're making cookies!"

"I'll grab the flour..."
"I'll call 911..."

"I don't need to taste it to know it's toxic."
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Old 2011-11-11, 23:42   Link #7377
ZeroXSEED
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"I'll call 911..."
Agreed!
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Old 2011-11-11, 23:50   Link #7378
Eratas123
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Looks just like the cookbook but tastes like the cookbook too
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Old 2011-11-11, 23:55   Link #7379
ZeroXSEED
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Need.... Quality.... critics..... please.... for.... humanity....
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Old 2011-11-11, 23:58   Link #7380
Eratas123
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@ Zero I'm at school right now, I can't read it yet.

Side note - New draft idea using the lethal chef concept
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