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Old 2011-11-23, 19:56   Link #9181
EthernalRain
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@ Eratas: Her name is Koyomi.

Anyway, you can. He's proud, and yes, flawed. But he doesn't relish the fact he's the "hero of London", because he believes everyone had a part in the victory. Many friends of his died, not to mention the losses on either side. That's a note I forgot.

Also, a home situation has cropped up. I won't be back for a while.
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Old 2011-11-23, 20:03   Link #9182
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Originally Posted by Eratas123 View Post
@ Zero - Oh~ So, will he end up with Haruna in the fic or is thins going for the harem end like the original did?
I'm not even sure, haven't decided.

If there's any girl with decent ship tease and relationship development....it's neither Haruna, Lala, Yui or other harem, it's Rin. As in, Rin Kujou, the bodyguard of Saki Tenjouin.

Unlike the usual, they started as pure just friend and growing attraction is mostly due to genuine interaction and chemistry (you can check the old To-Love-Ru Stratos if you want. Warning: Illogical plot, undefined fanon-rules, and Spotlight sue syndrome).

If I take the realistic path and ignoring the fandom rage, then he'll ended up with Rin.

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Originally Posted by Eratas123 View Post
The abilities sound interesting but you have to be careful. Making him too overpowered will turn off readers who like balance for the characters.
I'm more concerned with spotlight and characterization problem (though back the I'm more familiar with TLR and is new to I.S. fandom) I'm sure I can make every cast is balanced when it comes to power level (the reason I made Houki stay at C or C+) but thanks for the warning.

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Side note - Tabane's daughter (forgot her name) tries doing experiments on the protags. They're just prank traps but they have a definite "Saw" feel to them. Ichika cand Kyuukai can't get out and get carroted (Ichika was panicking and Kyuukai had no idea how the trap worked). Irish manages to get out by using his environment to his advantage so she becomes curious about him.
LOL, Kyuukai wont be happy... first Koyomi and now Kuu-chan

EDIT: Rain, maybe he meant Tabane's adopted daughter form the novel?
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Old 2011-11-23, 20:05   Link #9183
Eratas123
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@ Rain - I meant Tabane's canon daughter, not Koyomi. How the hell would Koyomi knock out the three of them and knock them out? She's 5!

He may not be a braggart about it, but he also shows signs of enjoying the fame despite his claims otherwise. Irish calls him a hypocrite for this.

The other one is the fact that Kyuukai keeps denying he's a killer. Like it or not, he keeps justifying his killings and always tries to distance himself from his acts and seems to angst when he doesn't. Irish calls him out on the fact that Joshua (he thinks) and Michael died because of him even if they didn't attack first and actually tried to help them. Irish full well knows and admits he's a killer and has no angst about it.
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Old 2011-11-23, 20:12   Link #9184
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@ Zero - Argh! Can't edit again!

Rin? But isn't she devoted to Saki and everything? She seems to borderline hate him in to love ru. I'm curious as to how they even become friends.

Just make sure to keep the POV's balanced. Also, don't forget to put chapters that focus on the girls only. It's not only the males that push the story, everyone does.

Side note - The experiment she used was a parody of the reverse bear trap. Instead of breaking someones jaw, it forcefully opens their mouth and feeds them carrots instead. All of the protag have their hands tied and the device on their heads. Irish smashes a window and uses the bars to keep it from opening fully and breaks the trap.
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Old 2011-11-23, 20:25   Link #9185
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eratas123 View Post
@ Zero - Argh! Can't edit again!

Rin? But isn't she devoted to Saki and everything? She seems to borderline hate him in to love ru. I'm curious as to how they even become friends.
Quote:
Morning has come, and boy the students wake up pretty early.

All for the sake of watching the bloody fierce match between Rito and Rin, with the same type of IS but different equipment.

Both use dual booster/ stabilizer combo, exemplified by banging and crashing into each other at more than mach 2 speed. The weaponry is sort of different…

Well, it was a match between a Piledriver and a katana.

"What's wrong, Yuuki? Admitting your inferiority? Or rather, the inferiority of that symbolic weapon of yours?"

"More symbolic than you could expect! Let's end this with one blow!"

"Agreed, I'll show you the passion of keeping the tradition. Our identity as Japanese...our sword show the reflection of our heart"

"A DRILL IS A MAN'S PASSION! PIERCE THE HEAVENS!"

"HISSATSU*!" they cried, synchronized.

"TENSHI NO GIRI"

"DAIBU KURASSHAAAAAAA!"

The speed and impact creates a shockwave so huge that the students felt dizzy despite being two kilometers away from the location. Sonic Boom is a bitch indeed.

And the two IS are thrown, hard, to the ocean surfaces below them and sunk, creating a massive splash wave from the speed of the collision.
They start with a lot of Foe Yay vibes ongoing, but she soon melt at him as he can bring positive changes to Saki.

If you wonder what kind of yay, here's the excerpt of their first meeting.

Quote:
"You do realize that such kind of introduction is lame don't you?" Rito commented, in a very flat, straight expression and tone.

"How dare you to insult me like that, while you gutless idiot is pretty weak in front of women" she hissed.

"Better than you.... who depends on your ninja maid" Rito's voice deepened realized that a bar of sharp, cold steel is touching his neck, courtesy of a ponitailed girl and her ninjato, "At least I'm depend on my friends with no money involved"

"You don't know what you're saying" the ponytailed girl whisper "And my name is Kujou Rin"

"It's okay, Rin. I like a bold guy like that" Saki mutters "Well...I myself...no, please leave. Have all this conversation offscreen" Saki begged to the reporter, if anything, her expression is indeed pretty serious. Her grim expression is the only thing recorded before Principal forced them to leave.

"Before anything, I'm really sorry from my crude introduction, though you deserved it" Saki bowed elegantly.

"...I'm going" Rito jumped off the desk he's sitting, but stopped by the ninja girl again "Insolence like that receive no tolerances"

"And you think barging into other class while shouting to your kouhai that they're from the low class are polite? By the way, nature calls...or you wanted to help me relieve it, senpai?" Rito seductively smirk, for that is out of character to him, but screw it, it always works bar none.

Saki was surprised that Rin, whose for more than a decade always on her side and never once broke her stoic expresionless mask aside from to Saki herself, shown a moment of sensual embarassment to this imbecile named Yuuki Rito.
Rito is a bit OOC, which I'll fix in the Revisited story, but mostly it's like that.

Quote:
And then for some awfully unexplainable reason, Rin landed on the male bath, wearing only towel, and began to turn on the holographic projector she's carrying.

"Using 785 calibers Magnum blank cartridge, propelling the solid stake at mach 2.5… that's 75% more kinetic energy than the Gray Scale. Additionally, three superconducting mini-stake with total destructive output rivaling the Gray scale is added. Due to the bulk issue, the capacity is reduced from 6 to 4… if you absolutely, positively want to pierce some badass chicks' barrier… look no more than the TA-328PB Piledriver Module 'Dive Crusher'"

"Why you're advertising it anyway? And this is male bath for the heck of it… those vocabularies suit Saruyama more than you, by the way" Rito cried as he hid his private part with large towel.

"Oh well, I'll contact the promotional section… then again, they said solid ordnance is obsolete"

"Nonsense, those guys never taste the might of a pilebunker"

"I see… let's meet again tomorrow by the time sun rise" Rin clapped her hands, and disappeared.
Yeah, I'm gonna delete that nonsense too...
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Old 2011-11-23, 20:30   Link #9186
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Originally Posted by Eratas123 View Post
@ Meister - Pretty good, but make the characters level 3 at most for majority of the story to keep things balanced and fair. One man army's aren't fun to read about.

By the way, where's Touma and Accelerator? I don't see them in the rankings and I know both of them can kick ISper ass.
So far, Level 5 is something I don't intend to use beyond just mentioning. Level 4s appear in the St@rs first team, but then everyone else in the idol group is 3 and below, and even more common the lower they go.

Touma is... so unlucky he does not even get mentioned.

Accelerator = Irish.

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@ Meister

Lol for power ranking, but Laura...how?
Level 5 Electromaster can fire the railgun even when the weapon is damage, stun pilots from extreme range, and do all sorts of scary things that the IS shield cannot stop.

Right now, Laura is Level 2. But she can manifest enough of her power to allow her to 'punch through' G3 shields. IE, I'm using the canon scene where Laura heavily damaged Shenlong and Blue Tears with just her fists as proof for this crack. As well as account for how an IS supposedly weak to electricity can use railguns and heat rods like Schwarz Regen without backfiring.

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Also Lol at Alternate!Irish for being even more of an expy of Accelerator.
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Side note - How the hell did Irish become an ISper? His hatred of the IS and refusal of the supernatural (He's not affected by psychic phenomenon due to his view on things) should pretty much take him out of the running.
In that other world, both men and women can pilot IS, but IS can only be piloted by ISpers. In this world, Irish is found to be the most powerful: Vector Control, effectively making him immune to all attack.

Laura Level 5 = Unstoppable Spear. Irish Level 5 = Ultimate Shield.

Them in a fight = Ultimate Carnage Sex, since both enjoy fights.
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Old 2011-11-23, 20:32   Link #9187
Eratas123
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@ Meister - Waiting for your update for Vandam. I'm clicking fanfic.net for it.

@ Zero - Foe yay it is! Need help with re-writing it? I'm pretty good in grammar and formatting.

Side note - Can you think of a first sign that Tatenashi and Irish are falling for each other. I need it to be subtle but not too subtle.
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Old 2011-11-23, 20:40   Link #9188
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@ Meister

..............I see

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Originally Posted by Eratas123 View Post
@ Zero - Foe yay it is! Need help with re-writing it? I'm pretty good in grammar and formatting.
Sure, please do, but there's also problem with a lot of things that I'll have to consult with you.

Anyway this is one of the most intense non-sexual shiptease so far, they're both jealous and convincing themselves that their feelings and concern for Rito is not-romantic (it's actually both).

Quote:
Watching the two girls pulled Rito's hands; Saki can't help but feel… jealous? No, not that…

Even though boys has been long known as stupid creatures with pride and compassion not to make girls worry, this is really make her feel like it was her fault.

How can she let an important key person in the project she led injured and get Scott free?

"I…I never felt so useless" Saki mumbles "I always thought that I can afford everything with money... but meeting his family, I realized..."

"You cannot afford people's emotions...family, lover, friends...those are something you need to earn with efforts"

The same could be said for Rin, arguably more ironic…Rin offer herself to protect Rito, because Rin never saw common people that could make Saki able to express herself.

Also, Rito is strong, maybe Rin still far stronger, but that besides the point… Rito still have plenty of room to grow further, Rin has not much potential left to develop… all of them had been honed since her childhood.

Rin wanted to be the one that bring his potential…

"Saki-sama…its okay" Aya smirked.

"Aya…"

"Yuuki-kun, even if he has a bad temper and sometimes rude, he's a good man… he just doesn't want us to worry too much. He already saw us as his friend… not merely working partner of convenience"

"… I wish…"

Saki smirked and gazes onto the sunrise, her face is slightly flushed.

"Nope… forget I said anything, let's go and analyze the data again" Saki mumbles.
Let's just stop at that for draft samples, I should put more effort in introduction of I.S. cast.

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Originally Posted by Eratas123 View Post
Side note - Can you think of a first sign that Tatenashi and Irish are falling for each other. I need it to be subtle but not too subtle.
I think one of the LEAST subtle cues is Irish paid a lot of attention to her (he tend to ignore people), problem lies in Tatenashi, we can't be sure she actually liked him or just teasing him on purpose (like with Ichika).
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Old 2011-11-23, 20:44   Link #9189
EthernalRain
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@ Eratas: I intend to have the other male OC call him out on that. Kyuukai is flawed like everyone else, no matter how hard he tries to be perfect. Irish does the deconstructing job very well. If most deconstructions end up starting like sledgehammers, smashing away, then Irish is like a scapel, easily cutting at Kyuukai's mind.

Yep, Kyuukai's a hypocrite who's slowly trying not to be a hypocrite.

His trying hard to justify his killing is what keeps him sane. He knows what he does is wrong, and when he angsts it's two sides of his brain trying to argue over which is right. Which pulls him back to square one, and he'll try to justify it again, starting the circle over again.

He knows something's wrong with him, and so, he seeks more help.

I intend to have another OC show up, when I have a school sequence.

Yes, I have a school sequence. After Kyuukai comes back and is pulled out of duty, FRACTURE command (with fear of Tabane) sends him to a real, co-ed high school. The one Dan goes to. Ichika and the gang get pulled along as well, since Tabane pulled a few strings to make sure Kyuukai has some friends.

At the school, Kyuukai encounters another student. A certain Ryoko Murakami. His technical stepsister, if he ever considered Daisuke to be anywhere near a father. After she realizes she can't get anywhere with Kyuukai, she'll focus on Ichika, and then somehow manage to land herself with Dan. Which in later (more like sooner) chapters, infuriates Utsuho.

Kyuukai meets another person as well: Someone who actually will help him with his problems. The very recently hired school counsellor, Daniella Blanchard. The daughter of Daniel Blanchard. Kyuukai thinks its useless, but Tabane holds his weapons and projects hostage, and demands Kyuukai to go see her.

And so begins therapy.
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Old 2011-11-23, 20:46   Link #9190
Eratas123
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@ Meister - Ironic that Irish is the strongest there yet he's the weakest in the real verse

But what's Laura's skill about? I have no Idea what thay spear means.

Side note - Irish prefers to avoid combat, not enjoy it. Accelerator is a sadistic bastard when fighting, doesn't mean he enjoys it.

@ Zero - So it's more of friendly enemy and rivalmance then? I know how to write those.

Side note - How about actually trying not to tease him and use more appropriate actions? Of course, Irish just thinks she's planning something rather than see it as an improvement.
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Old 2011-11-23, 20:50   Link #9191
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@ Rain - Of course, Kyuukai also calls Irish out on his actions. It's not a straight hannibal lecture for Kyuukai. Problem is, Irish doesn't deny his problems and actually agrees with him, this infuriates Kyuukai a lot.

Side note - Why is everyone pairing Dan up now? Nobody thought of it before and I was going to use it for daydreams. Now all of us are doing it?
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Old 2011-11-23, 20:52   Link #9192
EthernalRain
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@ Eratas: You're the guy who shed light on the guy who needs a little love. Who says the protags can be the only ones that have girls gun for them?
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Old 2011-11-23, 20:57   Link #9193
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@ Rain - Just seems odd since no one mentioned it before and now everyone here's doing it. Shadow and Daydreams also pair up those two.

Side note - Who do you want Kyuukai to hang out with the most in campus? I'm planning for Irish to spend time with the stident council group (Tatenashi, Kanzashi and Nohohohon sisters) since Ichika doesn't really talk to them.
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Old 2011-11-23, 21:00   Link #9194
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@ Zero - So it's more of friendly enemy and rivalmance then? I know how to write those.
Yeah, they started out as frenemies, but later develop into mentor-apprentice relationship (Rito teach her about human relationship, Rin tech him to fight PROPERLY).

Rin also develop some kind of rivalry with Houki, due for them being resident katana-wielding lady of War. Meanwhile, Saki has strained friendship with Tatenashi since childhood and Saki ditched her after graduating from Junior High (for example Saki has A+ aptitude but limited combat skill, and that's just the tip of the BIG Iceberg....).

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Side note - How about actually trying not to tease him and use more appropriate actions? Of course, Irish just thinks she's planning something rather than see it as an improvement.
Yeah, that too, her act always backfired to her in most of our stories due to her initial mischief. But then again 'acceptance of human flaws' is part of Shadow's theme right?

Going too school, back in 2-3 hours.
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Old 2011-11-23, 21:02   Link #9195
EthernalRain
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@ Eratas: He could hang out with Kanzashi as well, for the same reasons as in HotM. Kanzashi aspires to be an IS engineer, and she's a fan of anime and manga. Same as Kyuukai, who could try to help her with her aspirations and they could share in their hobby. But he's ditching as soon as Irish shows up though.

But other than that, he'd either be pestering Houki to visit Tabane (if she knows about their relationship), or he'd be trying to woo Laura/hang out with her once they're together. When he's not doing either of those things, he'd either hang out with Ichika or follow him for laughs/research on harem dynamics.

Kyuukai's staying where again? He could either stay on academy grounds like before, or you could do something else. Maybe he could stay at the orphanage I mentioned before?
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Old 2011-11-23, 21:13   Link #9196
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@ Zero - Then it's not a problem. I know how to write about Rivalmances since I've played a game about them. Belligerent sexual tension, ahoy!

The theme for Shadow is also about lettong go of the past and moving on. All protags can't do this and so they're hindered throughout the story.

Side note - It really doesn't help that their first actual kiss was because she got drunk and basically mouth raped him (He's not strong, remember). This causes tension later on since he doesn't want to admit he felt anything about it.

@ Rain - On campus. All of the protags stay on campus (Though I don't know who he'll be rooming with).

Kanzashi still falls for Ichika but it's Irish who helps her get over her inferiority complex and telling her that she's not her sister.

Irish and Kyuukai's relationship is extremely strained and they often come to confrontation with one another. Neither side is right most of the time though.

Houki blames her sister for the wars so she's not going to be easily convinced about getting back together with Tabane.

Ironically enough, Irish and Laura hang out with each other more than their respective LI's. Both of them can find peace with one another that theu can't get anywhere else.
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Old 2011-11-23, 21:24   Link #9197
EthernalRain
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@ Eratas: Then Kyuukai can hang out with Tatenashi. They won't be LIs, but they'll at least be good friends. Kyuukai can help Tatenashi with her exploits on Irish (and he'll enjoy them, since Irish doesn't like it), and Tatenashi can help Kyuukai with his exploits on Laura (since she thinks the guy needs a girl and badly).

Say, what are your plans for Koyomi and Kuu in the story? What events do you intend for them to have? Anything big?
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Old 2011-11-23, 21:42   Link #9198
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@ Rain - Their plans will end up blowing in their faces since normal dating techniques won't work on them. Child soldiers were bred to forgo emotion.

Kyomi is mainly not present on account of being 5. Kuu, as mentioned before, puts the protags in Jigsaw parody trap for an experiment and becomes interested in Irish when he manages to disarm the reverse carrot traps

Tabane and Kyuukai are gonna stress when they find both of their daughters/sisters interested on the guy that acts like the the opposite of what they believe in.
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Old 2011-11-23, 21:48   Link #9199
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@ Saint - Are you going to post that on fanfiction.net?
Nope it's a snippet, so it's not eligible for FFN posting.
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Old 2011-11-23, 21:50   Link #9200
EthernalRain
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@ Eratas: So how do Koyomi and Kuu feel about putting their brother through "cruel" and unusual torture?
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