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Old 2011-12-15, 00:56   Link #3721
FDW
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Originally Posted by FDW View Post
This will be in three parts.

PART I: RESPONSES TO LAST WEEK



Quote:
Houston at Cincinnati, Winner: Houston. Justification: I've written off The Bengals playoff hopes at this point.
About as much as I expected, The Texans have taken yet another step toward the impossible dream by clinching a playoff stop for the first time ever (for The Texans) or in 18 years (if you count all Houston NFL teams). Watch as absolutely no one gives a fuck about this.

Quote:
Los Angeles at Detroit, Winer: Detroit. Justification: One step closer to getting their asses kicked in by The Saints again in the wild card round of the playoff.
No surprises here for The Lions and The Dons.

Quote:
New Orleans at Tennessee, Winner: New Orleans. Justification: Obvious.
I don't need to say anything about this.

Quote:
Philadelphia at Miami, Winner: Miami. Justification: Go Muppets! Save your coach's job!
And the muppets don't give a shit and make the fraud squad look halfway competent.

Quote:
Kansas City at New York (Jets), Winner: New York (Jets). Justification: Obvious.
Yes, a hope spot for The Jets.

Quote:
New England at Washington, Winner: New England. Justification: And again, obvious, though closer than The Patriots would like.
The score being close was something I pulled out of my ass, I wasn't really expecting it to actually happen.

Quote:
Atlanta at Carolina, Winner: Atlanta. Justification: I said it was a hope spot for The Panthers.
The Panthers in three years will be one of the most threatening teams in the NFL.

Quote:
Tampa Bay at Jacksonville, Winner: Tampa Bay. Justification: My weekly "I don't give a fuck" game.
I didn't give a fuck, but all of Pakistan is going to be cheering for The Jags now, so expect the amount of revenue The Jags bring in to increase dramatically.

Quote:
Indianapolis at Baltimore, Winner: Baltimore. Justification: obvious.
[blank]

Quote:
Chicago at Denver, Winner: Denver. Justification: The Tebowism will reach epic levels during this game.
By god, that was Tebowriffic.

Quote:
San Francisco at Arizona, Winner: San Francisco. Justification: Another obvious win for the winning team.
I think we can now say that The Niners rivalry with The Cardinals far trumps that of the rivalry with The Rams. So it would safe to say that The Rams won't be missed when they leave the NFC West after the end of this season. Expect a new bounty bowl to start up next year between The Niners and The Cardinals.

Quote:
Oakland at Green Bay, Winner: Oakland. Justification: Contrarian pick of the week.
This game was a disaster for The Raiders…

Quote:
Buffalo at San Diego, Winner: San Diego. Justification: San Diego's facing a loosing team.
This is the last win The Chargers will have for the season.

Quote:
New York (Giants) at Dallas, Winner: Dallas. Justification: I'm going with what my gut's telling me.
I've come to the conclusion that The Cowboy have gotten so sick of success that they just intentionally fail for sake of some sick sexual pleasure they get from it.

Quote:
St. Louis at Seattle, Winner: Seattle. Justification: And one more time, obvious.
The Seahawks are so average right now…


Now onto PART II: PREDICTIONS FOR NEXT WEEK

Jacksonville at Atlanta, Winner: Atlanta. Justification: Well, none.

Dallas at Tampa Bay, Winner: Dallas. Justification: Cowboys stay in the game.

Miami at Buffalo, Winner: Miami. Justification: No, there is no hope for The Bills.

Seattle at Chicago, Winner: Seattle. Justification: The Bears are in a death spiral.

Tennessee at Indianapolis, Winner: Tennessee. Justification: This qualifies as my "I don't give a fuck Bowl" of the week.

Green Bay at Kansas City, Winner: Green Bay. Justification: Another team ritually sacrificed to The Packers.

Cincinnati at St. Louis, Winner: Cincinnati. Justification: THE BENGALS WIN THIS FOR GREAT JUSTICE!!! (And hopes of a playoff spot they won't get.)

New Orleans at Los Angeles, Winner: New Orleans. Justification: Obvious.

Washington at New York (Giants), Winner: Washington. Justification: One of my contrarian picks of the week.

Carolina at Houston, Winner: Houston. Justification: The Texans take yet another step towards the impossible dream.

Detroit at Oakland, Winner: Oakland. Justification: Last week was a horrifying disaster for The Raiders, and by this point we all know how The Raiders respond to horrifying disasters; by winning a game they have no absolutely business winning.

New England at Denver, Winner: New England. Justification: "He's a nice kid, beat the shit out him." (Bill Belichick, just before the Patriots/Broncos game)

New York (Jets) at Philadelphia, Winner: New York (Jets). Justification: Let this be a hope spot for The Jets.

Cleveland at Arizona, Winner: Arizona. Justification: This will be horrible, but obvious.

Baltimore at San Diego, Winner: Baltimore. Justification: This will be a cold blooded Murder, committed by a Murder. (of Ravens, that is)

Pittsburgh at San Francisco, Winner: San Francisco. Justification: The Niners offense may be sputtering, but The Steelers offense is worse without Big Ben (which will likely be the case Monday).


Now onto PART III: PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS


NFC playoff teams:

No. 1: Green Bay Packers (16-0) [NFC North Champions] {Has first round bye}
How did they get here?: They lost to no one at all.
Why?: The Packers already have this spot locked up.

No. 2: San Francisco 49ers (13-3) [NFC West Champions] {Has first round bye}
How did they get here?: They swept their remaining three games.
Why?: Their Special Teams and Defense dragged their comatose Offense into the playoffs, and they play in the fucking NFC West.

No. 3: New Orleans Saints (12-4) [NFC South Champions]
How did they get here?: They beat Carolina and Minnesota.
Why?: Their Offense is awesome.

No. 4 Dallas Cowboys (9-7) [NFC North Champions]
How did they get here?: They beat Tampa Bay and Philadelphia, while the rest of the division collapsed around them.
Why? Something called the 4th Quarter.

No. 5 Atlanta Falcons (11-5) [Wild Card No. 1]
How did they get here: They swept their last three games.
Why? The Falcons got really lucky in the Big Easy.

No. 6 Detroit Lions (9-7) [Wild Card No. 2]
How did get here: They got really fucking lucky that The Giants, The Bears, The Seahawks, and The Cardinals couldn't close the deal.
Why?: The four teams I mentioned above all finished 8-8.


AFC playoff teams:

No. 1 Houston Texans (13-3) [AFC South Champions] {Has first round bye}
How did they get here?: Something called "Week 17 Surprise" hit The Ravens and The Patriots in the balls, while The Texans swept their last three games.
Why?: The Texans have an easy schedule at the end.

No. 2 Baltimore Ravens (12-4) [AFC North Champions] {Has first round bye}
How did they get here?: The Bengals beat them in Week 17, preventing The Ravens from getting the first seed.

No. 3 New England Patriots (11-5) [AFC East Champions]
How did they get here?: Disastrous losses to The Dolphins in Week 16 and The Bills in Week 17.
Why?: The Patriots lack defense.

No. 4 Denver Broncos (10-6) [AFC West Champions]
How did they get here?: Miracles, Tebow, and a tiebreaker over The Raiders.
Why?: The strange saga of Tim Tebow goes on and on…

No. 5 Pittsburgh Steelers (12-4) [Wild Card No. 1]
How did they get here?: The loss to San Francisco in week 15 condemned them to a wild card slot, regardless of Baltimore's "Week 17 Surprise" at the hands of The Bengals.

No. 6 Oakland Raiders (10-6) [Wild Card No. 2]
How did they get here?: Tiebreakers, bitch. They have em' over The Jets and The Bengals, who also finished 10-6 in the AFC.
Why?: They got lucky and swept their last three games even without the trio of Taiwan Jones, Darren McFadden, and Jacoby Ford.


PART IV: HOW THE PLAYOFFS GO

First Round, NFC:

Detroit at New Orleans, Winner: New Orleans. Justification: The Lions have lost here earlier in the season by a decent margin, so expect them to fall flat here. Final Score: New Orleans 35, Detroit 14

Atlanta at Dallas, Winner: Dallas. Justification: Looking at statistics, this looks like it will be an air game, something that The Cowboys are marginally better at. Final Score: Dallas 31, Atlanta 27

First Round, AFC:

Oakland at New England, Winner: Oakland. Justification: In a spate of good luck, The Raiders get back the trio of Taiwan Jones, Darren McFadden, and Jacoby Ford.This, combined with a couple of major injuries to vital Patriot players allows Carson Palmer to BOMB BOMB BOMB BOMB BOMB Gillette Stadium back into the Stone Age. Final Score: Oakland 38, New England 28

Pittsburgh at Denver, Winner: Denver. Justification: Tebowmania will run wild against The Steelers, reeling from a lack of Big Ben. Final Score: Denver 17, Pittsburgh 7

Second Round, NFC:

Dallas at Green Bay:

-Preview: Absolutely no one will think that The Cowboys will be able to beat The Packers.

-Final Score: Dallas 50, Green Bay 49

-Why?: The Cowboys made one of their famous fourth quarter comebacks and put up 29 unanswered point to win the game, thus shocking every sane person left (there aren't many, after the events of this year) in America, including Dallas Cowboys fans.

-Justification: The Cowboys have pulled off some insane stuff season, and their offense is one of the few in the NFL that could be capable of keeping up The Packers.

New Orleans at San Francisco:

-Preview: Expect a lot of questions on how The Niners offense will preform, and whether The Niners patchy pass defense can hold off The Saints.

-Final Score: San Francisco 36, New Orleans 34

-Why?: Now before you start raging, keep in mind that 15 of those 49ers points come from field goals and only one of the TD's comes from a successful Niners drive into the Endzone (And even that was aided by an interception by Navarro Bowman at The Saints 30 yard line). With the other two TD's coming from another interception run in for a score and a lucky return by Ted Ginn Jr. on the opening drive. The Niners defense did it's part too, shutting down the run game and also forcing The Saints to punt twice and force a turnover on downs once, not to mention the blocked field goal. (The Saints attempted five field goals, but only got two because of the blustery (even for Candlestick) conditions at Candlestick.

-Justification: This game is example of what The Niners have been doing all season: having an epic special teams and awesome defense drag a half-comatose offense to victory. I also felt that The Saints would be set back by the lack of a running game and the weather conditions at The Stick. (Despite this, I still had The Saints scoring four touchdowns from the passing game.)

Second Round, AFC:

Denver at Houston:

-Preview: Expect surprisingly little talk about the No. 1 Texans, as the media chooses to focus upon the miracles brought forth by Tim Tebow.

-Final Score: Houston 28, Denver 24

-Why?: Despite yet another attempt of a late comeback by Tim Tebow, The Texans defense decides that they've had enough of this Tebow BS, so they nip in the bud with their own miraculous late comeback of their own.

-Justification: The Texans have one the best defenses in the AFC (probably only second to The Ravens this year), and have managed to keep a decent offense on the field despite some horrendous injuries. There's also the fact that The Texans have spent the last decade as being a byword for "futility" in the NFL, so their successes haven't gotten much talk.

Oakland at Baltimore:

-Preview: Expect lots of talk on whether or not The Raiders can get past The Ravens defense.

-Final score: Oakland 18, Baltimore 17

-Why?: Sebastian Janikowski. He kicks 6 field goals, scoring all of The Raiders points, as The Ravens vicious defense intercepts Carson Palmer 3 times and keeps the offense out of the end zone for the entire game.

-Justification: The Ravens offense is itself, not all that good, thus a low scoring game can be assumed here. Again, a lot aspects of this playoff run depend on whether or not The Raiders can get back the trio of Taiwan Jones, Darren McFadden, and Jacoby Ford.

NFC Championship Game: Dallas at San Francisco

-Preview: If this happens, this will be the eighth time these two teams have met in the playoffs, with this also being the seventh time the two teams have met in the NFC Championship game (which as is, is probably a record at this level). Expect most of Texas and most sports pundits to be creaming their pants at the probability of The Cowboys reaching a ninth Super Bowl. The Niners will probably be treated a lot like they were in their previous game against The Cowboys in the media, like shit.

AFC Championship Game: Oakland at Houston

-Preview: Expect pundits to not really know what to talk about, since all of the usual "newsworthy" teams have been eliminated from the playoff picture. Pundits will be noting the possibility of "Texas vs. Texas" and "Bay Area vs Bay Area" Superbowls (I think the latter could happen, but not til later this decade.). Expect a lot of difficulty by pundits in comprehending the simple concepts of "The Texans are a good team" and "The Raiders without Al Davis" during this week.
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Old 2011-12-15, 01:07   Link #3722
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^Jesus Jenkins bro...Who are you the Schwab?
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Old 2011-12-15, 01:40   Link #3723
FDW
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^Jesus Jenkins bro...Who are you the Schwab?
No, I just had to get that off my chest really bad.
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Old 2011-12-15, 09:37   Link #3724
Elo the Blue
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Call me a homer, but I just couldn't see the Ravens losing to the Raiders in the play-offs. McFadden and Ford are explosive weapons(I don't really consider Jones a factor as he's done very little this season), but I don't think the two of them alone would give Oakland the edge they need.
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Old 2011-12-15, 12:04   Link #3725
FDW
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Call me a homer, but I just couldn't see the Ravens losing to the Raiders in the play-offs. McFadden and Ford are explosive weapons(I don't really consider Jones a factor as he's done very little this season), but I don't think the two of them alone would give Oakland the edge they need.
Which is the reason why it's The Raiders defense and special teams that end having to do most of the work. I didn't say this in prediction post, but I thought that at four of those 6 field goals that Janikowski kicked came out from more than 60 yards, with one of those 60 yarders breaking the all-time record. And it honestly surprises me that people are focusing on this game, when I felt that the most ASB of the bunch was the Packers/Cowboys game. I figure everyone here was going to up my ass about that.
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Old 2011-12-15, 12:33   Link #3726
Last Sinner
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The Giants are getting to the post-season...I BELIEVE, ELI! Eli is the 4th quarter man this year. Dallas will find even more ingenious ways to lose. Baltimore will make the championship game, Houston won't. Chicago have leaked their playoff spot to Atlanta - who will go one and out, AGAIN.

Packers-Ravens bowl it.
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Old 2011-12-15, 12:41   Link #3727
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Packers-Ravens bowl it.
My two favorite teams, who I expected to not play again for another few years after their previous penalty extravaganza a year or two back? Sign me up, I'd love that. Even moreso if the Ravens win so Ray Lewis can retire a champion (even though that'd hurt our defense quite a bit for the next few years).
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Old 2011-12-15, 12:45   Link #3728
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The Giants are getting to the post-season...I BELIEVE, ELI! Eli is the 4th quarter man this year. Dallas will find even more ingenious ways to lose.
Eli Manning has done his part and has gotten help from his receivers when it counted. The problem is the defense with less than a minute. Any more time and Dallas could have taken the option of skipping the field goal and go for the touchdown. (Assuming the dropped touchdown pass with roughly 1 1/2 minutes remaining was caught by the Giants in the endzone)
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Old 2011-12-15, 14:30   Link #3729
Mr. DJ
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Originally Posted by FDW View Post
Seattle at Chicago, Winner: Seattle. Justification: The Bears are in a death spiral.
funny that you mention that...

Quote:
Bears Receiver Sam Hurd Arrested After Allegedly Trying To Purchase 5 To 10 Kilos Of Cocaine From A Federal Agent

http://deadspin.com/5868426/bears-re...5-to-10-kilos-
Quote:
Second Round, NFC:

Dallas at Green Bay:

-Preview: Absolutely no one will think that The Cowboys will be able to beat The Packers.

-Final Score: Dallas 50, Green Bay 49

-Why?: The Cowboys made one of their famous fourth quarter comebacks and put up 29 unanswered point to win the game, thus shocking every sane person left (there aren't many, after the events of this year) in America, including Dallas Cowboys fans.

-Justification: The Cowboys have pulled off some insane stuff season, and their offense is one of the few in the NFL that could be capable of keeping up The Packers.
I need this after the roller coaster season it's been...

Last edited by Mr. DJ; 2011-12-15 at 14:53.
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Old 2011-12-15, 22:20   Link #3730
Samari
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Originally Posted by Elo the Blue View Post
Call me a homer, but I just couldn't see the Ravens losing to the Raiders in the play-offs. McFadden and Ford are explosive weapons(I don't really consider Jones a factor as he's done very little this season), but I don't think the two of them alone would give Oakland the edge they need.
Well Oakland isn't making the playoffs. The Broncos and I'd say even San Diego has the one up on them even if it's not record-wise for the Chargers. The Raiders need another year, and some more pieces for their defense.
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Old 2011-12-15, 23:37   Link #3731
Last Sinner
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Ergh, why does Atlanta have such a laughably easy schedule...that game versus Jacksonville might as well have had only one team on the field.
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Old 2011-12-15, 23:57   Link #3732
FDW
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Ergh, why does Atlanta have such a laughably easy schedule...that game versus Jacksonville might as well have had only one team on the field.
Well, Atlanta got (like the rest of The NFC South) to face off against The NFC North and AFC South. The fact that schedules are almost entirely predetermined means that schedule can and will be quite unfair.
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Old 2011-12-16, 01:13   Link #3733
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The better question is why the hell does the NFL CONTINUE to showcase Jacksonville on National TV? Every year, they get like 3, 4 National games...It's amazing...
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Old 2011-12-16, 05:11   Link #3734
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I dreaded switching the TV on for it. I eventually did at the 4th quarter without knowing the score. I watched two plays and saw Gabbert get picked. I switched off. I'm saving my zest for the Cowboys - Buccaneers game.
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Old 2011-12-16, 08:09   Link #3735
Kyuu
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The better question is why the hell does the NFL CONTINUE to showcase Jacksonville on National TV? Every year, they get like 3, 4 National games...It's amazing...
Prolly to make up lost revenue due to their ridiculously small market.
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Old 2011-12-16, 17:57   Link #3736
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http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/201...p&sct=hp_wr_a4

^Humongous new NFL TV deal agreed to by the NFL and networks.
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Old 2011-12-17, 18:58   Link #3737
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Gotta love the Sports Science segment:

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Old 2011-12-17, 19:35   Link #3738
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Gotta love the Sports Science segment:
Eh, its actually terrible. It is no more informational than the history channel is nowadays. Full of more faked claims/theories than facts. I seriously laughed at the premise of Drew Brees being more accurate than an olympic archer, that is such BS.

Brees is throwing from 20 yards out and as usual the sport science crew tries to over amaze everyone through lack of valid information (like telling you all the variables and distances olympic archers deal with and shoot from). Olympic Archers shoot at the distance of 70m at the 122cm Target Face. Get Drew to throw at 70m, see if he can hit the bullseye? Any olympic archer shooting from 20 yards at such a target would probably score perfect bullseyes almost everytime.

I also love how they used Josh McCown as the constant for measuring accuracy for a QB, that guy is terrible.
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Old 2011-12-18, 12:18   Link #3739
Samari
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You don't need a science experiment to prove that Drew Brees is an accurate quarterback.

That segment is missing a lot of variables too from what I remember when I first watched it. There is a difference of standing in the middle of the field and throwing a football to hit a target compared to standing in the middle of the field when people bull rushing and you're in the process of running for your life and you're still trying to hit that same target. A lot of quarterbacks that have played terrible in the NFL are probably accurate passers when they are practically alone by themselves in the middle of a desolate grass field trying to hit a target.
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Old 2011-12-18, 17:26   Link #3740
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So, how bout them Bills? First to Worst in just seven weeks. I was out there leading a boo chorus for Fitzpatrick. His play today was absolutely pathetic.
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