|2012-01-14, 00:51||Link #1|
Madoka Magica, Pure Pink Pretty Lovers
The idea behind this fanfic is one that I've been bouncing around in my head for awhile, but it's only now that I've felt up to actually attempting it.
The basic idea behind it is this - I would take the VN/Galge-style narrative, with its diverging romantic routes and numerous alternated endings, and apply it to Puella Magi Madoka Magica.
It would be wrote from the perspective of Madoka (1st Person narration), and would follow the anime narrative closely, except the reader could make choices (mostly verbal) at key moments to shift the story in different directions, and potentially move Madoka into romances with other major characters. Different choices can "raise" or "lower" Madoka's level of affection with different characters, and that can open up (or close off) potential yuri romantic routes. So it's important for readers to keep track of the choices that they make as that will make a big difference later on in the fanfic. You can, of course, read what the results of each choice is, but pay special attention to the results of the choice that you make, as those are the results that will stick with your initial read-through of the fanfic.
Anyway, I hope that this is a fanfic that Madoka Magica, yuri, and VN fans will all enjoy!
Edit 2: Given the length and multiple branches of this fanfic, there is an Index in the Spoiler Space below. This Index will take you directly to the chapters that your choices are leading you to.
Spoiler for Madoka Magica: Pure Pink Pretty Lovers Index:
Edit: And this fanfic has already been partially converted into an actual fan-made VN by computer programming whiz Kimidori! You can find a version including Chapters 1 through 5 here:
As for the fanfic itself, here it is...
Pure Pink Pretty Lovers
“Rise and shine everybody!”
That's what I shout to try to wake my mama up, and help her get started on a bright new day!
... But to be honest, it's also to help me get over the strange dreams I've been having lately.
The latest of these dreams was definitely the most disturbing one. Still, all four of them have left me feeling confused, and wondering what's going on with me.
I'm a young adolescent girl now, and so I know that now's the time in my life when it's normal and healthy to be developing romantic feelings for my peers. I'd always kind of assumed that this meant that I would be attracted to young boys just like my best friends Sayaka and Hitomi seem to be. But my latest dreams have left me thinking that maybe I'm what the school nurse called “lesbian” during a sexual education presentation she made to class a week ago.
I never thought much about romance or getting love-letters or going on dates until recently, since I felt that nobody could like a very ordinary girl like me that way. But that presentation and these four recent dreams have made me think more about it, as I feel like they're saying something important about myself, and maybe even about where my life will be going soon.
In the first of the four dreams, I was wearing this beautiful and elegant pink and white frilly outfit. Sayaka was... fighting something dark and icky, with a sword, and while wearing a blue skirt and a white cape... and she was losing! So I saved her with a few shots of this glistening bow, and caught her while she was falling after she had been knocked back by these monsters. After I caught her, we made eye contact, and... and I felt my chest become tight while Sayaka reached one hand around my shoulder and leaned up to... kiss me? Was she kissing me? I awoke from that dream feeling very hot...
In the second of the four dreams, I was running away from some weird little creatures that were tying to hurt me! They kind of looked like the guy on the Pringles box! ...But without the nice smile. Just when I was cornered into the end of a dark alleyway, I was rescued by this absolutely lovely blonde girl with twisty hair. She smiled at me after she shot off her magical guns to save me. She then gracefully moved towards me, and cupped the side of my face with her hand while gazing into my eyes... Again, my chest felt really tight, and I felt like I was going to burst! Especially when she parted her lips and started to lean her head down towards mine...
In the third of the four dreams, I was fighting alongside this very acrobatic and fast spear-wielding redhead girl in a long-flowing reddish dress! We were fighting against this giant armoured knight of sorts... and it had something to do with saving Sayaka, but I forget what exactly now. During the struggle I managed to deflect away a large spinning wheel with an arrow, just before that wheel would have crashed nastily into this girl in the red dress. She said “Thanks for the save, sweetie” and then quickly pressed her lips against mine before shouting “Now let's finish this, and save Sayaka!”. I was totally stunned by the kiss, and I woke up while sweating a lot...
The latest dream was different in that it didn't have anything like a kiss in it, but it did show an entire city, the city that I live in, getting ruined by some large flying monster! One very cool-looking girl was trying to stop it all on her own, and... and I felt such a deep, incredible desire to help her. I felt... attached to her somehow, like I had known her and been close to her in spite of never seeing her before. This cute, fluffy cat-like creature was talking to me, telling me how I could save both her and my home. Just when I accepted his offer, I woke up... and here we are now, with me having woke up my mama, and with me trying to decide which hair ribbon to wear.
Mama pointed towards the red one.
“Isn't it too fancy?” I asked of her, as I didn't want to stand out too much.
“It'll be fine.” she responded to me, “Once you give up on your looks, it's all over.”
As I look at myself in the mirror after putting the red hair-ribbon on, I have to admit that I liked the way it makes me look. I've always liked very girly things, like pretty dresses and skirts, hair-ribbons, dolls, make-up. Maybe I just love everything girly, including girls themselves?
“It's fine” Mama said to me, as I couldn't hide my concerned look from her, “Your secret admirers will love it.”
“I don't have any of those” I replied, forcing a slight smile.
“You should think you do.” Mama said back to me, “That's the secret to being a beauty.”
As I look at myself in the mirror, I couldn't help but smile as I did think I looked very pretty at least. Not beautiful, really, but hopefully cute. I wonder if Sayaka and Hitomi would agree?
With that thought in the back of my mind, and making me feel kind of anxious, I soon hurried off to the usual place where I meet up with Sayaka and Hitomi to walk with them to school. Thankfully, it was a bright brilliantly blue sunny morning, and that put an added bounce in my step and took a lot of my cares away.
“Good morning!” I shouted loudly to Sayaka and Hitomi, as I finally caught up to them.
I hated making them wait. I hope they won't mind too much!
“You're late, Madoka!” Sayaka shouted back at me, but then she became more pleased as she took notice of my ribbon, “That's a cute ribbon!”
I was glad she liked the ribbon. At the same time, though, I felt just a little bit bashful about it.
“Really?” I asked in returned, “I think it's a bit too showy.”
“It's wonderful” Hitomi said in turn, reassuring me.
Hitomi and Sayaka both liking the ribbon made me feel really relieved, and more at ease. We started to playfully race and skip to school, as we all felt great this morning!
“Your mom's great, Madoka” Sayaka said a little later on during our walk to school, “She has good looks and she's so energetic.”
“I wish I could be summed up like that” Hitomi interjected.
“That kind of problem you'd love to have, right?” Sayaka asked teasingly in reply.
“I'd like to try getting a love letter some day too” I said, as I started to dream of romance, “It must feel great.”
“Oh? You want to turn into a popular cutie like Hitomi?” Sayaka asked of me, “Is that ribbon the first step in your makeover?”
“No!” I exclaimed defensively in reply, as I didn't want to be thought of as a very superficial or shallow girl, “Mama...”
“So you're getting tips on picking up guys from your mom?” Sayaka jokingly asked of me, while she held her chin in her hand and had a sparkle in her eyes, “How rude! That kind of dirty...”
Sayaka then leaped playfully at me with her hands and fingers looking like they were about to tickle me!
“Stop it!” I cried, dodging her leaps as I'm very ticklish!
Sayaka eventually caught me and started lightly tickling me while her hands were wrapped snugly around me. I started laughing and giggling uncontrollably while Sayaka started laughing too. As scary as I find the thought of being tickled, I have to admit it felt good to laugh a little, as it took away some of the tension I had been feeling lately. But some of that tension returned because of what Sayaka said next...
“Oh, you're a cutie-pie!” she exclaimed, as I instinctively tried to wiggle away from her, “But I won't let you wonder off to some guy. Madoka, you're gonna be my wife!”
It was easy to hide how those words made me feel amidst the uncontrollable laughter, but part of me felt unnerved by those words. I know that Sayaka was just joking around, and yet... what she said... oddly appealed to me.
Is that what I really wanted? Do I really want to be another girl's wife? Am I a lesbian?
Part of me was scared of the idea, as I know that not everybody accepts a love of that sort. I didn't want to be thought of as strange, in a bad way. But, as Sayaka's had her body wrapped all over me, I found myself strangely enjoying the feeling of that. What should I say to Sayaka in return? Should I say anything? Should I fight against these frightening feelings that were simmering inside of me, just below the surface? Or should I reveal them to see if they might take me to a happier and more contented place?
A) Do and say nothing.
B) “...That wouldn't be so bad”.
C) “Cut it out, Sayaka! I don't like girls that way!”
Spoiler for A Response:
Spoiler for B Response:
Spoiler for C Response:
The school morning started off pretty well as Saotome-Sensei talked about eggs and guys in a pretty funny way. I felt a bit badly about how her latest relationship clearly hadn't worked out for her, but some of my classmates and I couldn't help but be amused with the way she hinted at all of that.
Saotome-Sensei than introduced the class to a new transfer student.
The new transfer strode into the classroom with such impeccable grace and style! The entire class was immediately in awe of her, and I had to admit that I was too. Her long, dark hair flapped behind her like a majestic flag in the wind. She was only a teenage girl like I am, yet she walked with such confidence, like she was already a successful career woman!
“Wow, she's hot!” Sayaka said towards me.
She definitely did seem very hot...
But then... I recognized something even more important than that. This new transfer student was the same one as the girl I saw in my dream last night!
She stated that her name was Homura Akemi, while saying “Pleased to meet you.” She then finished writing her name on the board, and bowed with such picture perfect politeness.
After the class gave her a quick but earnest applause, I was caught completely off-guard by Homura looking directly at me! It made me feel very embarrassed and shy...
Why had this girl appeared in my dreams? Why was she focusing on me like this?! I'm so ordinary looking compared to her...
I felt much more at ease after Homura took her seat, and four of my female classmates started to flock around her desk, asking her a lot of questions. There was a lot I wanted to ask her myself, of course, but I knew that my questions would just make me seem weird, so I decided not to approach her.
Hitomi, Sayaka, and I chatted a bit about Homura, but not for long, as Homura stood out of her desk and started walking towards me.
“Madoka Kaname” she said to me, while her head seemed a bit tilted to the side, “You're the class monitor, correct?”
“... Um...” I responded, as I struggled to find the words to say to this wondrously mysterious girl.
“Bring me to the nurse's office” Homura said to me forcefully.
Looks like I might have messed up there...
I followed behind Homura, as we walked towards the nurse's office. I could sense the eyes of so many fellow Mitakihara students focusing on us, but mainly on Homura of course. It made me feel even more uncomfortable. Still, I tried to put all of that out of my mind as there were some questions I wanted to ask Homura.
“Um...” I began, “How did you know I was the class monitor?”
“Miss Saotome told me” Homura responded, after a brief pause.
“Oh!” I replied excitedly, feeling like I at least was managing to properly break the ice with Homura, “Well, the nurse's office...”
But before I could finish, Homura had made the correct turn without needing any direction from me.
“Here, right?” Homura said, while looking down the correct hallway.
“Yeah...” I confirmed, while puzzled over how Homura knew this.
“Wow, I didn't expect you to know where it was.” I said, amazed at how mysterious Homura was!
But Homura said nothing to that, and just kept walking. Homura seemed so interesting! I wanted to talk with her more, so after a tense pause, I forced myself to say more to her.
“Akemi-san...” I began
“Call me Homura” she said to that.
“Homura-chan...” I said, starting to focus on that strange name.
“What?” she asked at the sound of me saying her name.
“Well... Um...” I replied, “That's an unusual name!”
That didn't come out quite right. I didn't want her to take it as an insult! So I sought to make it clear what I really meant.
“I mean, not like it's weird or anything!” I said to reassure her, “It's just cool!”
After I said that, Homura suddenly stopped, and swivelled around to face me!
That forced me to a stop as well.
“Madoka Kaname” Homura said with such assertiveness to me, “Do you value the life you live? Are your family and friends dear to you?”
Those questions... almost overwhelmed me. They were so unexpected! And yet... I love my family and friends deeply! That's what I instinctively wanted to say, so as to leave no doubt as to my feeling for them. Still, a small part of me couldn't help but focus not on what my answer should be, but on how bizarre and kind of inappropriate the questions were. Was Homura testing me with them? Was this her way of trying to determine if I'd be a good and faithful friend for her? Or was this some kind of... veiled insult?
All of these thoughts raced through my mind really quickly, but I had to respond soon!
A) “My family and friends... of course they are! I love them and care deeply for them!”
B) “My family and friends... of course they are! I promise you, Homura-san, that I'd value you a lot as a friend too! I'd love to be friends with you!”
C) “My family and friends... of course they are. But why are you asking me questions like those after you just met me? Don't you think that's a bit strange?
Spoiler for A Response:
Spoiler for B Response:
Spoiler for C Response:
I myself started walking back towards the classroom. I had a lot to think about, given the dreams I've had lately, and what Homura had said to me. I couldn't help but feel that today would end up being pretty eventful. I wondered what would happen next?
Last edited by Triple_R; 2012-04-17 at 00:19. Reason: Including VN link.
|2012-01-14, 01:29||Link #3|
Well, if I do find someone who can draw (alas, I can't draw well myself ), I definitely will get back to you.
|2012-01-14, 01:41||Link #4|
Join Date: Dec 2011
and i can do more than just text and choice, so if you have some idea for the gameplay, tell me, i can even do side-scroller gameplay like grief symdrome (it will take much more time though)
|2012-01-14, 03:32||Link #5|
Join Date: Oct 2007
Haha, I didn't realize you'd be posting this through Animesuki. Taking advantage of the fact that this is a forum, then, maybe we should share our answers.
I seem to have been inclined towards just the vanilla answers, going with A for both choices 1 and 2 thus far.
Spoiler for choice 1:
In terms of constructive criticism, the "voice" you use in writing Madoka can sometimes seem like it's actually too girly and innocent. While it might just be differences in how we interpret her character, this can sometimes make it difficult to identify with her.
However, like I commented before with your other fanfic, I still like the directness/purposefulness of your style, which makes for an engaging read. Given this "spoiler" format of releasing through Animesuki, it looks like it'll be possible for each reader to read through all the possibilities, so I will be taking advantage of that liberty. The results for each of the C choices look very mysterious in particular, despite apparently discouraging Madoka's affection with that particular character. Next chapter, I might be tempted to go off in one of those directions .
|2012-01-14, 06:43||Link #6|
Lurker with free time
Join Date: Mar 2011
Oh, very nice. Madoka seems a bit off, but maybe it's because we're in her head. Otherwise, seems great. Putting two choices in one chapter (form post) is a bit confusing though.
If had to time to draw, I'd help you. ^^;
I'd choose 1A and 2B.
|2012-01-15, 00:41||Link #7|
Join Date: Nov 2007
The format was definitely unexpected for me as well... it works very nicely, though, and I think it's awesome that you addressed the concerns I raised. (Not sure if what I said has anything to do with your choosing the format, though) It was a very enjoyable read, and I'd love to see an actual Visual Novel made from this.
As for my choices, I went with 1C and 2B. I know that 1A is the most in-character, but hey, if I'm free to choose whatever I want, I'll just indulge myself and go with the most entertaining choices. 1B had a more interesting answer than I was expecting... I guess I shouldn't rule out any choice as being comparatively boring, since you make them all interesting. 1B's was sweet, I think Sayaka's flustered shyness was cute... hurting Sayaka's feelings in 1C made me feel a bit guilty, but I won't go back on my choices because that kinda ruins the point of this story. As for the second question, I was tempted to go for 2C. It's such a cold thing to say, and combined with 1C would start to make Madoka seem like a bigger bitch than anyone else in the series. Maybe I should do a Bitch Madoka playthrough one day, where Madoka ends up alone because she alienates everyone by being mean all the time. I'm a fan of the Madoka x Homura relationship, though (I think one of my favorite scenes is the one in episode 11 where she breaks down and spills her soul to Madoka), and couldn't help but indulge the girl.
And so in the course of just one school day, I've broken one heart and won another. This is fun, I'm eager to see the next chapter.
|2012-01-15, 01:19||Link #8|
In fairness to Sol and MinuSeveN, though, I probably need to give her a more clam and less girly tone for some bits of narration in the future.
I'm glad you liked the short bits for each of the possible responses.
|2012-01-15, 14:38||Link #9|
Kana Hanazawa ♥
Join Date: Jun 2007
For what it's worth, I'm enjoying it too. I went with the B choices, as they seem the most promising. It's a good idea to integrate romance into the narrative, but that rules out a "they live happily ever after and adopted many children" ending... or does it?
I thought the part about the dreams -which I suppose are closer to alternate memories- was a bit awkward, especially the one about Kyoko. I just can't see those two together for some reason. I'm fine with Madoka x Homura (obviously ), Madoka x Sayaka, Madoka x Mami, but Madoka x Kyoko just feels weird. Maybe because we haven't see much interaction between the two of them in the anime.
The line about the Pringles made me chuckle.
Good work so far.
|2012-01-16, 21:40||Link #10|
“Wow, Akemi-san is so incredible!”
That's what everybody at my school was saying due to Homura achieving a prefectural record in high jump competition. It certainly was incredible to see how high she can jump! Part of me felt very jealous that I had no talents anywhere near as impressive as that...
I must admit that I'm also a bit scared of and unnerved by Homura, and the constant attention that she gives me. After she accomplished that high jump feat, she looked straight at me with such piercing eyes! It instinctively made me move behind Sayaka for protection, while I gripped her shoulder.
There's no doubt that Homura is very cool and talented, but there's something about her that deeply frightens and worries me. As such, I decided to discuss that with Sayaka and Hitomi over dinner at a restaurant.
“Wait, what?!” Sayaka exclaimed to me in question after I revealed to her and Hitomi everything that Homura had said to me.
“I don't get it...” I said to that, as I really couldn't make much sense out of it myself.
“I thought she was a genius beauty, smart, and athletically talented, but she's just a nut!” Sayaka stated, based on what I had told her, “How many points is that transfer student trying to show off?!”
I don't think that Homura is trying to show off, but her intentions are a real mystery to me, and that's what concerns me the most.
“Is this really your first meeting with Akemi?” Hitomi asked of me.
I wasn't sure how exactly to answer that properly...
“Hhmmmm...” I began in answer, “In all reality, yeah, but...”
“So what, you recognize her from unreality or something?” Sayaka asked in turn.
'Unreality' made me think of the latest SHAFT anime I had watched with Hitomi and Sayaka, and I thought about joking about that, but I decided to stay on topic.
“Well...” I continued, “I feel like I met her in a dream last night...”
Sayaka and Hitomi started laughing loudly at that. I hate it when people laugh at me when I tell the truth, because the only alternative is to lie, and I don't like lying!
“Wow, you're trying to make an impression too?” Sayaka jokingly asked.
“Meanie!” I shouted to her, “I really am wondering about it!”
“I've got it!” Sayaka said teasingly in reply, “This is fate! You're destined friends, brought together by the universe itself!”
Sayaka probably meant it jokingly, but there was a strange ring of truth to what she said there. Before I had a chance to think much on it, though, Hitomi asked me more about the dream I had with Homura in it.
“What kind of dream was it?” Hitomi asked.
“I don't really remember” I answered, “Just that it was something weird.”
I admittedly did remember how Mitakihara Town was getting wrecked in my dream, but I didn't want to bring up that specific detail, since it might make me seem crazy to my friends.
“Maybe you really did meet her.” Hitomi said, “And she just left so strong an impression that, even though you don't remember her, she popped up in a dream.”
“Isn't that a bit far-fetched?” Sayaka asked of the idea, “It's just a coincidence.”
Well... one of them is probably right. Both ideas sound like reasonable explanations for why I saw Homura in a dream before I really met her. Still, the fact is I've seen a lot of different girls in various dreams lately, many of those girls being ones I've never met before! Maybe I should reveal that to Hitomi and Sayaka to see what they make of it? I'm afraid they might laugh at me again if I reveal that to them, but on the other hand, it might be nice to get their take on it.
A) Talk to Sayaka and Hitomi about the other dreams I've had.
B) Keep those other dreams private.
If you choose B, skip over Response A.
Spoiler for Response A:
“Wow, it's already this late.” Hitomi said, since our conversation had basically ended, “Sorry, I've got to get going.”
With Hitomi about to leave for Tea Ceremony, Sayaka asked me if I would accompany her to the record store. No doubt she wanted to pick up something for Kamijo. I decided to accompany her.
While at the record store, Sayaka and I decided to put on some head-phones and listen to some nice music. A love of classical music, enka music, and pop music is something we share in common. But while I was listening to a pop song with a great beat, I heard something cry out 'Help me!' to me!
This prompted me to take off my head-phones to see if what I heard was due to a malfunction with the head-phones. But the voice persisted!
'Please, help me!' the voice shouted again.
For all the weird dreams and meetings I've had lately, this is the weirdest yet! Still, I hated the thought of not listening to a cry for help.
Opportunity Choice 1:
If you chose C for Choices 1 and 2, and chose A for Choice 3, you may now choose to ignore the cries for help. If you decide to ignore the cries for help, please read the following section. Otherwise, skip over it.
Spoiler for Madoka chooses to ignore the cries for help:
Not wanting to turn away someone who needs my help, I started to focus in on the voice crying out to me. I cupped my hand to my ear, and listened carefully to the voice to see if I could determine where it was coming from.
I walked downstairs, and noticed that a floor had been closed for remodeling. Still, the cries for help persisted, and seemed to be coming from just that floor, so I cautiously opened the door to it and walked through. It was very musky and dimly lit, with only hazy natural light shining in through the wide open sides near the end of the floor.
Suddenly, and much to my shock, a ceiling tile gave way right above me, and a badly injured animal came crashing down from it! I loudly gasped at the sight of how harshly hurt he was! I quickly but gently gathered him up into my arms.
“You?” I asked towards him, to determine if the voice had been coming from him.
“Help me!” he cried to me again, in a weak voice.
But then... a large chain came crashing down to the ground, frightening me. As I looked at where it had fallen, I saw Homura standing behind it! It was hard to fully make out in the darkness, but I could tell she was wearing darker and different attire from her student uniform.
“Homura!” I cried out to her.
“Stand back.” she stated to me.
Why would she want me to stand back? This poor animal needs help!
“But he's hurt!” I shouted to her.
He had scars and wounds over his body, and his breathing was raspy. Homura just stood there. Was she the one who did this to him?!
“No!” I cried out to her, “Don't be mean!”
“This has nothing to do with you” she said, as she walked towards me.
“But he called out to me!” I shouted back at her, “I heard him ask me for help!”
“I see” Homura said.
Homura then came to a stop, and the two of us made eye contact. It was... very intense! It was like a blinking contest, both literal and figurative! I didn't know what to do next, as Homura didn't seem willing to back down.
Just when I thought the situation would be too much for me, Sayaka came to the rescue! She shot off a fire extinguisher at Homura, dousing Homura with its contents.
“Over here, Madoka!” she shouted to me.
“Sayaka!” I cried out to her, while I sprinted over towards her, and then moved behind her while she continued to hold the fire extinguisher in her hands.
Once the fire extinguisher had been completely used up, Sayaka threw it away, and the two of us raced off, while I continued to hold this little animal in my hands.
“She's running around in cosplay?!” Sayaka shouted while we sprinted alongside one another, “What's her problem?!”
“What is that thing anyway?” she asked of me, referring to the animal I was holding in my hands, “It doesn't look like a stuffed animal. Is it alive?”
“I don't know!” I shouted in exasperated answer, “I don't know, but I've got to save him!”
While Sayaka and I continued running, the scenery all around us... became breathtakingly bizarre! I could see... Butterflies wearing crowns! Barbed wire on fences! Mounds of reddish dirt all over the place!
“Huh?” asked Sayaka, stunned by this sight just as I was, “Where's the emergency exit? Where are we?”
“What is this place?” I asked, in absolute astounded amazement, “It's changing all around us!”
I saw... eyes against a blue background of nothingness. Old British men in top hats but with their faces shrouded. Black horses on their two hind legs. It all came out of nowhere! None of it seemed real!
“What's going on?!” Sayaka exclaimed in frenzied question.
We were truly starting to panic!
“Something's there!” I cried out, as I heard lots of squeaky rustling feet moving behind me.
When I turned about to see what was causing that sound, I saw... I saw the same things that were chasing me in one of the dreams I recently had!
Sayaka and I were soon surrounded on all sides by them, and they started making these high-pitched chants. The floor beneath us became... became too weird to even try to describe! It was like something straight out of the mind of Akiyuki Shinbo, only made real!
Sayaka wrapped her arms around my shoulders, and held me close to her. It gave me just enough comfort and reassurance to keep me from going crazy! I was glad that she sought to protect me, even while she took a defensive posture herself.
“This has to be some sort of joke...” she said, as she pulled me in closer and backed away, “I have dreams like this sometimes. Right, Madoka?”
Sayaka and I were at our wits end! What was going on? How could we possibly fight these things?! Large, clunky chains started falling all around us! Could anybody save us?!
But then, suddenly... a brilliantly bright rainbow-coloured light emanated out from below us, in a large circular shape! Right after a large explosion that seemed to push everything away from us!
“Huh? What's this?” Sayaka asked, as that rainbow-coloured light started to dissipate.
“That was a close one” came a strong and very elegant voice, “But it's all okay now.”
Sayaka and I turned around to face where the voice was coming from. There before us was a blonde girl walking towards us... and she was wearing the same student uniform as we had on! And... and I think she was the same girl that I had seen in one of my dreams! Part of me wanted to shout that out, but I was just so relieved to be helped by her... just as she had helped me in my dream. She was holding a large yellowish egg-shaped gem in her hands.
“Oh, you saved Kyubey” she said towards me, “Thanks. He's a dear friend of mine.”
“He called out to me!” I replied to her, “His voice popped into my head!”
“I see” she responded, “Those uniforms are from Mitakihara, aren't they. You're, what, eight-graders?”
“... Who are you?” asked Sayaka in turn, as she and I were both eager to find out who this elegant and charming blonde girl is.
“Oh, right, I forgot to introduce myself.” she replied, while raspy metallic coil-like branches threateningly came out of the ground behind her, “But first...”
She then spun about like a beautiful ballerina, and threw the yellowish egg-shaped gem into the air. She then clicked her heels, and it was like brightly coloured but transparent flowers started appearing around her!
“There's something I need to finish up!” she exclaimed, while holding her gem in the two palms of her dramatically outstretched arms.
Scintillating swerving streaks of yellowish tinted rainbow light emanated out of her gem, and began to engulf her! A thunderous gush of wind struck against Sayaka and I while this blonde girl t-transformed!! Her new outfit was so gorgeous and so majestically cool!
She summoned forth... an army of muskets! While she jumped and practically flew in the air! All the muskets shot off in rapid and almost simultaneous succession! Their loud blasts filled the air! It was like.. it was like one of the historical wars I had read about in school! It was like Napolean at Waterloo, or the American Civil War!
After creating an enormous explosion, this bodacious blonde bombshell landed on her feet, with all the agility of a cat! Sayaka's mouth was agape in awe, as was my own!
“~Wow!~” I exclaimed.
And then... the scenery somehow turned back to normal. I was so thankful and relieved! However, I was still getting over everything that had just happened.
Part of me wanted to rush at this blonde girl, and thank her profusely for saving Sayaka and I!
A) Regain your composure, and wait to see what happens next.
B) Run at the blonde girl from behind, wrap your arms around her, and thank her!
Spoiler for Response A:
Spoiler for Response B:
In an adjacent room, the blonde girl used some sort of... glowing power... to heal the injured animal I had helped rescue.
“Thanks, Mami!” he said to her, “You saved me!”
“You should thank them” Mami said to Kyubey, referring to Sayaka and me, “I just happened to pass by.”
Kyubey then turned about to face Sayaka and I. I have to admit that he looked really cute! Like one of my many plushy toys!
“Thanks! I'm Kyubey!” he shouted to Sayaka and I.
“Did you call out to me?” I asked him.
“Yeah, Madoka Kaname! And Sayaka Miki!” he exclaimed in answer.
“How do you know our names?” asked Sayaka.
“I came here to ask you something!” he began in explanation, “I want you to form a contract with me and become magical girls!”
Last edited by Triple_R; 2012-01-16 at 22:28.
|2012-01-16, 23:27||Link #13|
Join Date: Oct 2007
I guess some people won't be leaving their answers here, but for the record my choices this time were 3A and 4B. It hasn't particularly been my intention thus far, but it somewhat looks like I'm going the Madoka x Mami route. Sorry Homura. No hard feelings, alright? :P
That "Opportunity Choice 1" is pretty "wow".
Spoiler for Opportunity Choice 1:
A slight bit of con-crit again. My English teachers back in highschool and elementary school always said not to use exclamation marks in proper writing, but I've appreciated how you've included them so far as they lend a certain expressiveness to Madoka's feelings. The way we can see when Madoka's excited makes reading from her perspective rather cute. However, I do think that when entire paragraphs end with an exclamation mark in all of their sentences, that might be going a bit overboard. Not a huge issue in particular, but on occasion it might be good to cut back.
In any case, once again, this is great stuff. I'm looking forward to the next chapter too.
|2012-01-16, 23:56||Link #14|
Thanks a lot for the compliments, Kagayaki, Asuras, and Sol!
Spoiler for Opportunity Choice 1:
|2012-01-17, 04:14||Link #15|
Join Date: Dec 2011
Finally! After spend all my free time working on this, Chaper 1 Visual Novel is done! v0.1 Download link below, i hope this will encourage you writing this fanfic, Triple_R
now working on chapter 2. btw Triple_R, please tell me how the affection point system work so i can start working on it now, and about the Opportunity Choice 1 of chapter 2, it mean that the player must chose C in all three question to ignore the cries for help or just one?
|2012-01-17, 05:38||Link #16|
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Infront of the Anime Shop
Nice job for now .... keep up.!
Hmm... Come to think of it, I want to try this anime...
Last edited by NeoChan; 2012-01-17 at 05:48.
|2012-01-17, 05:45||Link #17|
This visual game is promising.. I give credit to the author...hahahah..
By the way, I really love to help you guys about the drawing, but tooo bad I live far away.. I'm just an amateur. You can check my thread here http://forums.animesuki.com/showthre...t=genji+sketch just to see my sketches. I still do the drawings manually but I did try doing with Microsoft paint just as you can see in this signature of mine hehehe
|2012-01-17, 09:13||Link #18|
The music and screenshots really do add a lot to the overall affect of the narrative itself, although I can see I might need to edit what I write a bit for the VN version of this. That narration seems a bit wordy to me in VN format, and that's coming from the author! Anybody else find this too wordy in VN/game format? Or does it work there as well?
Format-wise, I think you executed this as well as possible.
NeoChan - As a fair warning, if you keep reading this, you'll be spoiled on the anime. All of the dialogue not tied to a choice is straight out of the anime, as I intend for this to flow seamlessly out of the anime itself. You've basically read Episode 1 of Madoka Magica already (minus a few short bits).
Glad you're liking it all the same!
genjichan, that's pretty solid artwork! One idea I'm bouncing around in my head right now is that screenshots might be fine for 60% or more of the VN, but it might be nice to have artwork for any scene that isn't in the anime, so even just a few pictures could be helpful. A lot of that will involve the steamier elements of the narrative, of course, so any artists interested in teaming up with naamio and I to turn this into an actual VN would want to keep that in mind.
|2012-01-18, 00:40||Link #19|
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Under the piercing blue sky
I'm really liking the VN-style approach you gave your fic. An unconventional approach. Choices are good. It also reminded me of those old "Choose Your Own Adventure" books when I was a kid.
The fic itself made for a good, solid read for the first two chapters. It particularly struck me at how close you "converted" episode 1 into text, in that I could almost imagine the scenes unfolding from memory and hear the characters' voices. I also loved the SHAFT references you placed in it. Oh, the funny, delicious irony of SHAFT characters thinking about SHAFT anime and directors.
As for the choices, I went with the ones that grabbed my interest. Just so I could take a slightly different path than the one from episode 1. I picked [1B] -> [2B] -> [3A] -> [4B]. Though in a VN context, I think that's one of the possible ways to reach a bad end. Or the rumored, oft-joked about and mythical "harem end"
Spoiler for harem end:
It's a shame that I was unable to abandon Kyuubey's calls for help (though I really wanted to ). I haven't watched the show that was being referenced to in that one, so I don't know who those characters are, but you placing them there makes me want to see that show now. Also, knowing you, Triple_R, North High is most likely a reference to the Haruhi franchise, yes?
About the game that naamio programmed, I think it's a great idea, building up on Triple_R's VN-style fic by taking it one step further and turning it into a VN itself. It's a great start, and with a few more talented members, it could become an actual doujin VN project. As for the "wordy" parts, I think that's simply the result of placing the entire paragraph into the text box. I suggest that the paragraphs be split into parts, with the goal of not filling up the entire box so it doesn't look too "wordy". That way, no text has to be cut to make it look less "wordy".
p.s. Triple_R, what happened to your other fic?
|2012-01-18, 20:36||Link #20|
Join Date: Dec 2011
Yay, V0.2 with Chapter 2 is done, download link below. please report if there any bug or spelling error.
Spoiler for Opportunity Choice 1: