AnimeSuki Forums

speedyexpress48 · 2011-12-05, 00:39

And yes, I do rarely take character requests. PM me if you want to do that.

Prologue

Chapter 1, Arc 1

speedyexpress48 · 2011-12-11, 01:40

Arc 2 is out!
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2976807/3/

speedyexpress48 · 2011-12-18, 03:30

Arc 3...
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2976807/4/

speedyexpress48 · 2011-12-25, 02:24

Arc 4
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2976807/5/

speedyexpress48 · 2012-01-15, 02:56

One more
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2976807/6/

speedyexpress48 · 2012-10-22, 00:26

I been writing stuff for a good while now, but they were generally awful quality because I tended to base them a lot on Japanese fan translations of light novels. So I decided to start over (AGAIN), and by not using fan translations as a base for stuff, hopefully this will work out a lot better than my last LN.

My "new story" isn't really new, honestly; it's a rewrite of my old novel Shadows Of Roses, with a much higher emphasis on plot rather than on randomness and switching POVs every 5 seconds.

Anyways, on with the story...

Short Summary;

Spoiler for heh.:

Editor's note; this story will be rated R due to a lot of adult situations and profanity, but they won't be the majority of the story, I promise.

The setting is San Francisco, California, tho keep in mind this does include the metro area (suburbs like Oakland and Fremont) and there will be sections/flashbacks that take place elsewhere.

Also, yes, a lot of this novel is based on real life, and some of it on my online life (there's a few AS users/IRC guys in there when the IRC chat comes up, yeah.)

I might release one chapter a week, but don't count 100% on it. Note; I also publish this story on FictionPress.

Links to chapters;
================================================== ===================================
Prologue; http://forums.animesuki.com/showthre...95#post4407395
Chapter 1, Part 1; http://forums.animesuki.com/showthre...03#post4426503

speedyexpress48 · 2012-10-22, 00:27

Prologue;

Spoiler for story:

speedyexpress48 · 2012-11-05, 03:11

Chapter 1, Part 1 (sorry for late update, personal troubles)

Spoiler for story:

speedyexpress48 · 2012-12-03, 04:01

Kinda needed something else to write to get over my writers' block, so I started another "prologue" which reveals more details of the story.

Spoiler for Another Prologue (...kinda):

Vexx · 2012-12-03, 17:12

Still seems a lot like a sketch/outline where you're just trying to get ideas onto a blank page (in other words, it looks a lot like some of my early "sticky note" barrages when trying to decide how a chapter should go).

As a prologue, it lacks any introductory description of characters (what they look like, etc) or a setup on why any of this matters. They seem to spend a lot of time worrying about what type of car, we don't know why he was supposed to meet her on top of a building (to jump together? what?). What is she to him? If he knew she was thinking of jumping he seemed remarkably unconcerned?

It might work better as a flashback after the reader knows the information? Please don't take this badly ... I'm just marking where I think it needs clarification, explanation, or expansion. I'm looking at my latest three chapters with a really jaundiced eye today (returns to chainsaw and mallet whacking of my own text).

speedyexpress48 · 2012-12-04, 01:22

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vexx

Still seems a lot like a sketch/outline where you're just trying to get ideas onto a blank page (in other words, it looks a lot like some of my early "sticky note" barrages when trying to decide how a chapter should go).

As a prologue, it lacks any introductory description of characters (what they look like, etc) or a setup on why any of this matters. They seem to spend a lot of time worrying about what type of car, we don't know why he was supposed to meet her on top of a building (to jump together? what?). What is she to him? If he knew she was thinking of jumping he seemed remarkably unconcerned?

It might work better as a flashback after the reader knows the information? Please don't take this badly ... I'm just marking where I think it needs clarification, explanation, or expansion. I'm looking at my latest three chapters with a really jaundiced eye today (returns to chainsaw and mallet whacking of my own text).

Honestly, yeah, you have a point; I just randomly wrote it to kinda get over "writers block" for a bit. I probably will insert this chapter into the story sometime later when the characters are a bit more...developed.

Ugh, I need to get my mind off of things for a while...

Vexx · 2012-12-04, 02:27

yeah, I should post one of my early drafts where I'm just throwing ideas down randomly to see what sticks just to demonstrate what my addled brain does when its flailing around trying to create a chapter. Sometimes I'm not even sure whose POV I should relate the events from at first.

Kerspunkle · 2012-12-04, 18:05

I like the sprinkling of comedy you threw in.

I see a few grammatical errors, but I find this prologue to be much more interesting than the last.

I found the part of the previous prologue with the little girl to be confusing. I didn't understand the part where it described her tears as "made of water and blood combined." Was she injured, or was that just description?

Just to make sure, I have to ask. This is the all the same story, right? Also, about how often do you write?

guzmanword · 2012-12-06, 09:59

yeah, I should post one of my early drafts where I'm just throwing ideas down randomly to see what sticks just to do it.

speedyexpress48 · 2012-12-08, 01:38

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vexx

yeah, I should post one of my early drafts where I'm just throwing ideas down randomly to see what sticks just to demonstrate what my addled brain does when its flailing around trying to create a chapter. Sometimes I'm not even sure whose POV I should relate the events from at first.

I'm probably gonna experiment with this for a while...my ADD-riddled brain can't come up with any decent ideas.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kerspunkle

I like the sprinkling of comedy you threw in.

I see a few grammatical errors, but I find this prologue to be much more interesting than the last.

I found the part of the previous prologue with the little girl to be confusing. I didn't understand the part where it described her tears as "made of water and blood combined." Was she injured, or was that just description?

Just to make sure, I have to ask. This is the all the same story, right? Also, about how often do you write?

Eh, I don't really write too often (I just do it as a random hobby), and yes, tho I'm thinking of altering it somewhat...

Vexx · 2012-12-08, 01:57

Here's some snippets of one of my "white boards" where I'm just throwing things down. You'll see some stuff I used, some stuff I dropped, re-arranged, etc. I deleted any spoilers from my story.

Its kind of like text snippets as Legos, arrange, assemble, re-arrange, change parts. (yeah, ADD-wired here as well)

TL;DR…

white board notes covered for thread page tidiness

Sorry; dynamic content not loaded. Reload?

speedyexpress48 · 2013-04-04, 00:13

Started another project, only this time it's a movie script and a parody for lulz.

Link's in my sig (the rest of it is on my pastebin profile.)

2011-12-05, 00:39	Link #1
speedyexpress48 Hoho, no shit Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Californiarado	City Of Redline Nights: And yes, I do rarely take character requests. PM me if you want to do that. Prologue Chapter 1, Arc 1 __________________ Nanoha Movie; Hollywood Parody edition script Last edited by speedyexpress48; 2012-12-09 at 05:48.

2011-12-11, 01:40	Link #2
speedyexpress48 Hoho, no shit Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Californiarado	Arc 2 is out! http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2976807/3/ __________________ Nanoha Movie; Hollywood Parody edition script

2011-12-18, 03:30	Link #3
speedyexpress48 Hoho, no shit Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Californiarado	Arc 3... http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2976807/4/ __________________ Nanoha Movie; Hollywood Parody edition script

2011-12-25, 02:24	Link #4
speedyexpress48 Hoho, no shit Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Californiarado	Arc 4 http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2976807/5/ __________________ Nanoha Movie; Hollywood Parody edition script Last edited by speedyexpress48; 2011-12-25 at 02:35.

2012-01-15, 02:56	Link #5
speedyexpress48 Hoho, no shit Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Californiarado	One more http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2976807/6/ __________________ Nanoha Movie; Hollywood Parody edition script

2012-10-22, 00:26	Link #6
speedyexpress48 Hoho, no shit Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Californiarado	Speedy's writing project; A California Love Song I been writing stuff for a good while now, but they were generally awful quality because I tended to base them a lot on Japanese fan translations of light novels. So I decided to start over (AGAIN), and by not using fan translations as a base for stuff, hopefully this will work out a lot better than my last LN. My "new story" isn't really new, honestly; it's a rewrite of my old novel Shadows Of Roses, with a much higher emphasis on plot rather than on randomness and switching POVs every 5 seconds. Anyways, on with the story... Short Summary; Spoiler for heh.: When summertime comes, wealthy young people come to California. Young people come to San Francisco to find love and peace. A depressed Harvard Law graduate moves into his anime-obsessed little sister's home near Downtown SF to find a new life...and to try to find a forgotten love from years past. Meanwhile, a young state senator works with a energetic young author to find solutions to their problems, while two idols fall in love...together. Welcome to California; where love and relationships are built... Editor's note; this story will be rated R due to a lot of adult situations and profanity, but they won't be the majority of the story, I promise. The setting is San Francisco, California, tho keep in mind this does include the metro area (suburbs like Oakland and Fremont) and there will be sections/flashbacks that take place elsewhere. Also, yes, a lot of this novel is based on real life, and some of it on my online life (there's a few AS users/IRC guys in there when the IRC chat comes up, yeah.) I might release one chapter a week, but don't count 100% on it. Note; I also publish this story on FictionPress. Links to chapters; ================================================== =================================== Prologue; http://forums.animesuki.com/showthre...95#post4407395 Chapter 1, Part 1; http://forums.animesuki.com/showthre...03#post4426503 __________________ Nanoha Movie; Hollywood Parody edition script Last edited by speedyexpress48; 2012-11-05 at 03:12.

2012-10-22, 00:27	Link #7
speedyexpress48 Hoho, no shit Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Californiarado	Prologue; Spoiler for story: The sky was a dark gray, covered by clouds; no rain, just clouds. Geese usually come here to find food, but today, there were no geese. The only sounds out here are from the wind and busy traffic. I saw a small child, she was, ah, somewhere between 3-5 years old…well, no older than 6 and no younger than 2 is what I'm guessing. Her parents have left her in their car, an old, beaten Toyota Comfort. She was crying, her tears made of water and blood combined; I wanted to calm her, to wipe her tears, to make her happy again; but there was nothing I could do. The car was locked, and I did not have a cell phone to call anyone for help; I could only stand and watch her cry, before a woman putting on makeup while driving in a Chevy Tahoe crashed into the Comfort and took the child's life. I didn't hear anything about the incident; I have no idea if people either don't know about it or are terrified to speak about it. I never heard anything about it on the local newspapers, or the local news channels, or even on the internet. Or maybe no one in this town even cared enough. Yeah, probably that, people here are totally cold and emotionless…hmm, or maybe it was an illusion that no one else saw? Maybe it was all in my head? God…my head…it hurts… Now, it's summer. Cancer took both of my parents last year, first my mom and then my dad. I lived in my grandparents' house for a few months, but eventually their bodies weakened to the point where I had to send them to a retirement home. They tried to hang on to the last threads of their lives, but they too perished to old age and bone failure. I just graduated from Harvard Law School at the age of 28, but for some reason I'm still having problems finding a job. Why does the world have to be like this? Why am I even alive? Honestly, I should be thankful for what I have. Gramps left me with a 5 million dollar inheritance, which is probably more than most people will ever earn in their lives. But I feel like something is missing. It's been a while since my little sister headed west to Cali. She was annoying, for sure, and hard to take care of back when we were together. And I miss her dearly. Honestly, her happy go lucky attitude is probably why, even though her grade was much lower than mine was, she's having success as a real estate agent in San Francisco. I may have money on my hands, but I didn't earn or work for it. Unlike her, I get along horribly with people and never earned much respect from anyone outside of my family and close friends, which I didn't have many of. Easy to say, honestly, she's successful, I'm just a sad lifeless pile of body organs lying here doing nothing. No friends, not even online. No one likes me… Sigh. Speaking of, it's almost that time of year again, the time where my little sister invites me to BayCon and Anime Expo, two of the largest anime conventions in the nation. You see, my little imouto is a total otaku and a cosplaying model loved by those fat men reading copies of the Yosuga No Sora manga inside the MBTA subway and fapping to pictures of idols no matter what country they are from (AKB48, SKB48, SHB48, CAN48, NYC48, CAL48…holy shit, the names of those idol groups is enough to overwhelm my brain.) My little sister always catches the attention of photographers whenever she wears a cosplay outfit (or hell, she attracts enough stares from men when she's not in cosplay mode), because she seems to pull things off perfectly; for example, she grabbed second place in a world cosplay tournament where she dressed up as Hoshii Miki from The Idolmaster, so now pictures of her and her…er, breasts are all over the good old Internet. Anyways, every year, she makes sure that I come to the con by reserving a hotel room, airline tickets and 4-day passes for me, usually at the first day of pre-reservation. Baycon takes place in late May, and Anime Expo takes place in June, so there's a month in between the two cons. There's basically no way I can say no to that, and besides, it's good for me to take a break from this shitty place to a coast with sunshine and natural beauty. San Francisco or Los Angeles, it doesn't really matter; both cities in CA are far better than Boston. Maybe I should leave Massachusetts for a permanent vacation in California, or something. Hell, I might even be able to find a job in Cali. Not that I need it, but I feel bored without one. Right now, I spend every day screaming at kids on Xbox Live playing Halo 9. I decide to get on the computer and join a random IRC room for kicks. Hm… Guest10009 has joined #california Topic is ~Welcome to #california-The OFFICAL channel for random shit on OtakuNetwork! %Cactus Notice-If you have any questions, DO NOT contact the "administration". They are here for looks only and not actual moderation. If you ask them they MIGHT answer your question. Or you'll just get kb'ed. (Don't worry, the kb's only last 2 seconds.) nanohachan hurr, durr, etc. Cactus so CaliforniaRedneck Cactus hey hey Cactus I just met you Cactus here's my number Cactus so call me NEVER YOUR GAY CaliforniaRedneck Digging up a 5 year old meme CaliforniaRedneck Can't you get better material nanohachan LOL Cocona … Cocona Rewrite anime is horrible nanohachan is it nanohachan I don't think it's bad Seishi It's not bad, it's just not as good as other stuff based on Key VNs Ustnap ^ IceDuck Slap Princess for me Hizou Princess iz a fag… Princess … Hizou was kicked by Princess (GET THE FUCK OUT) Princess IceDuck Princess helpppp me IceDuck GO CANUCKS IceDuck um, after I, uh… Princess I can't figure out how to draw this hand IceDuck figure out yourself n00b Ikuu … Princess kicks Nyanoha. Nyanoha hi Guest10009 hi IceDuck oh boy, a new n00b nanohachan time for some fun then You were kicked by nanohachan (lolz. congrats. come back later, okay?) … That did not go well. At all. __________________ Nanoha Movie; Hollywood Parody edition script

2012-11-05, 03:11	Link #8
speedyexpress48 Hoho, no shit Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Californiarado	Chapter 1, Part 1 (sorry for late update, personal troubles) Spoiler for story: …well, I'll probably wait a while before I go back in there again. Let me dig up some stuff on my computer…hmm. I slowly moved my mouse to a file folder named "Photos". I'm pretty sure I stored all my childhood memories in there…and since I'm in a depressed mood, looking at them might make me a little bit happier. Hmm…wait, there's a folder named 190081. Either I never saw it before, or I never noticed it. I opened it and saw a few photos of me on the rooftop of an apartment building. I wasn't alone in those photos though; there was a short girl wearing a small bikini and a skirt standing beside me giving out a slight smirk on her face. Wait…. This is the same girl I was seeing in my dreams. But it can't be…but if she isn't, then why do the two look exactly alike? Her clothing, her hair, her shoes, her face…everything looks alike. Is this a distant memory…no, hang on… I looked through the pictures again. And again. And again. I'm starting to remember some things. My family originally lived around Torrance in Southern California, which is where I was born. However, due to business reasons, my parents moved us up north to the Bay Area due to, from what I remember, "huge growth from the internet sector". After a few days of living inside a hotel, my mom rented an apartment in the Lake Merritt area. When we moved there, there was an energetic girl who lived next door happily greeting us, bringing us a pie and cake even before she knew our names. She was maybe one year older than I was. And from there on, we were friends. (My little sister was a bit too young to hang out with us.) But…. I have forgotten her name. I have forgotten her phone number as well, if I ever knew what it was. I don't know anything about her. Who is "she?" At least now I know she exists as something more than just a figure of my imagination. But now I want to know more about her. Of course, she probably left the Bay Area long ago, and went off somewhere that only god knows… ring ring …oh, it's my sister. At exactly the right time. How convenient. "Onii-chan~" That voice, so cute…er, pretend you didn't just hear that…. "Oh, hey, uh, just a sec…how are you?" I replied. "Onii-chan, you haven't been replying to Mimi's calls! Stupid onii-chan…" "Yeah, I was away with a couple of days…heehee…er…" "Anyways, do you know what time of year it is, onii-chan? Mimi has everything prepared for you, from airline tickets to con passes…I gave you everything you need for check in, it's in your email inbox…" Ah…shit. Haven't checked that inbox in a while. "Umm…hehe…" "You didn't forget to check your email, did you?" My little sister said with a upset tone. "Uhh, yeah…." "Baka onii-chan! Baka! Baka!" Seriously, can you not mix Japanese and English so often…. "Well, it isn't too late, onii-chan…everything in that email is valid until the end of the week…still, though, Mimi went through all this trouble…sheesh…." "I, uh, will check them now and confirm everything…" Since I didn't want to upset her any further, I mumbled out a reply that would instantly satisfy her. She may be legally an adult, but outside of age, she's still a child. "You better, because Mimi-chan would be really upset if you didn't…" "Oh, Mimi…" "Hm?" "I, uh, was thinking of living at your place for a little while…" "Whaaaaaat? Oh my god, onii-chan is going to live here? Lemme-" I decided to hang up. Continuing this conversation would probably be damaging to my brain, though, it was totally my own fault for asking such an idiotic question. Anyways, time to check my email. Or something. There was a light breeze outside; even though it was only 60 degrees, it felt really warm, for some reason. "Hey, you! Need a ride into town? Airport to Financial Square in 20 minutes! Only 30 dollars-" "Who the fuck do you think I am, a tourist noob?" "Er…sorry man…" Okay, geez, where the fuck is that driver he sent out to pick me up? Maybe I should call him…. "Yo Jack…Watanashi…where art thou…" "Sup, faggot. So, where are you now?" "Outside of San Francisco Airport. Where's the guy you sent to pick me up?" "…guy? I sent a girl…" "Uh, wait, what?" "Yeah, if you see a small girl, flat chest, looks like a loli but isn't one wearing a gray hoodie, pink Civic, watc..." Apparently Jack's good at mumbling word salads, which sure doesn't make my situation any easier. "Uh, where do I find-" "Wait, uh, gotta go. I'll be out of Denver on Thursday, then we can meet and you can ask me shit. Bye!" "Hey-" Jack hung up, and I was still stuck in front of the damn terminal. Sigh, maybe I should just take public transit home- "Oh, are you Bobby-sama…" I turned around and saw a little Japanese girl behind me. Took me a while to notice her, since she was so…small. "Huh…." What…why… Jack, when you get back from Denver, I'm gonna fucking kill you. She was still observing me as if I was an animal at a zoo, or something like that. The girl was weird and somewhat emo, but somewhat cute too. She also looks like she's 10 years old. "How old are you?" "20…almost 21…" So, uh, close to drinking age. I remember about hearing someone say Asian girls stop aging after a certain period. I didn't think they stopped growing up after 10 years. "Oh, so you're thinking perverted thoughts…" She started to look upset. "What? No! That's totally your imagination!" She leaned forward to take a closer look at me. "Ah…." I need to switch the topic. "So, uh, where's your car…and can you…get me to my hotel…" "Follow me." She turned around and started to walk. I followed. Then we stopped at a row of parked cars. The girl stood there like a statue. "Uh….which car is yours, again?" "Pink. Pink one." While there were a ton of cars parked here, there was only one pink car. Well, one car painted in a color that could be best described as pink and glitter. And I have never seen an exhaust pipe that big. "That yours?" "Yes!" She shouted out with a huge smile. Suddenly, her personality changed from a sea of grimness to a happy, cheerful loli. Er…wait…my phone is ringing again. I took it out of my pocket… "Yo, that girl may look like an emotionless blob at first, but she's rather cheerful afterwords…" and then Jack hung up. Why didn't you tell me this earlier? "Let's take a ride together, Bobby-chan!" Seriously, she feels like your usual anime stereotype of a loli. Wait, did Jack do this on purpose… __________________ Nanoha Movie; Hollywood Parody edition script

2012-12-03, 04:01	Link #9
speedyexpress48 Hoho, no shit Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Californiarado	Kinda needed something else to write to get over my writers' block, so I started another "prologue" which reveals more details of the story. Spoiler for Another Prologue (...kinda): A year ago… The girl stood on the edge of the building. She was shivering in the cold weather, her body freezing even under the large black coat. She was waiting for someone; she had waited for a couple hours now for someone that might not be coming. The girl started crying before taking out her cell phone. …meanwhile, atop of a desk, the phone rang. Enriquez suddenly woke up and got out of bed. He stood up, looked around the room and then mumbled “Man, what the fuck happened…” The phone rang even louder. “Eh, who the fuck is this…” Enriquez picked up the phone. “Eh…hello?” “Enriquez…why aren’t you here yet…” The girl’s tears have colored her entire face red; she was trying to stop crying, but she couldn’t. Enriquez looked at the calendar on his computer. “AHH-SHIT! I’ll be right there, Maddie-” Enriquez immediately hung up and called another number. “Hello, this is Global Auto Body And Repair. How may I help you?” “Hi, I’m, uh, wondering if my car is repaired. 1992 Nissan Pulsar, black, plate number 23SWAKL-” “Sorry sir, can you wait a extra day? Repairs are taking longer than expected-” Enriquez hung up. He took out the phonebook, looked up a number and slowly pressed the numbers, one by one. “Hello, this is Congressman Jack Watanshi’s office. Please leave a message at the tone-” “Jack? Jack? Where the hell are you?” __________________________________________________ _______________ U.S. Capital, Washington, D.C., USA “Mr.Watanshi?” A slender, cold-looking Japanese man in a suit walked up to the desk. “Ah, Laura. Thanks, I’ll handle this one.” “Heehee.” A small, short blonde Japanese girl smiled and started picking papers on the table. Jack patted her on the head. “Say, Laura, have you gotten in a relationship with anyone yet?” “Watanshi-kun, you have no idea how the boys here suck!” “Well, your cold then cute personality might be scary to some-” Laura became angry. “That’s not how my feelings work, Watanshi-kun! And stop treating me like a kid! I’m almost 20, you know!” Jack chuckled. “Hey, just saying.” He picked up the phone. “Yo, what the hell, Jack? Why won’t you answer me?” “Oh, sup, Cactus. Something you need badly, hmm?” “Hey, uh, bro, I have some problems here. I, uh, need to borrow your car…” “Which one?” “Uh, the silver GT-R Hybrid?” “Eh, I brought it with me to Washington.” “The purple Skyline?” “It’s in Colorado.” “The black one?” “Yeah, sure, that’s the only car I have in San Francisco anyways. You have the keys to my apartment, the keys are on my desk.” “Why didn’t you tell me that before?” “Just because I wanted to play with you.” “Oh fuck you-you know what, I got to go. Cya.” “Hey, wait, there’s, uh, a special-” Enriquez hung up. “Ah, whatever,” said Jack. “I’ll reach him later. Back to business.” __________________________________________________ _____________ Couple minutes later… Enriquez tried to unlock the Skyline with the keys, to no avail. Then he saw a mini remote control keypad on the same keychain. He took out his cell phone and made another call to the Capital, this time to Jack’s cell phone. “Yo, Jack…” “Hey, sup? Lemme guess, you can’t unlock the car.” “Yes…” “All right, do what I say. First, insert the key into the door.” “Ok, next?” “Enter the number 31998 into the keypad.” “…ok.” “Wait 30 seconds until the first light is green. Then take the key out of the car, enter the number 29173, and re-insert it. Then the car should automatically start.” “What kind of clusterfuck security system is this?” “Hey, it’s less complicated than Kholdy’s scripts or himarichan’s games...” “Why the fuck are you bringing up IRC?” “Ok, whatever. I need to go, see ya later…” __________________________________________________ ______________ Enriquez followed Jack’s steps, entered the car and then drove out of the parking garage as fast as he could. He then rampaged through the streets of San Francisco, getting lost several times along the way until he finally arrived at the City Hotel in Union Square. He got out and gave $15 to a valet standing at the front door to park the car, then ran up 46 stories to the roof. “Maddy!” He shouted. Maddy turned around and saw Enriquez running. “Enriquez!” Her tears of sadness were gone, and she smiled. She backed up a little bit… Except that there weren’t any guardrails there. The rooftop was temporarily closed for maintenance, which included the replacement of the guardrails… “Ah-ah-ah-” Enriquez was in shock and immediately ran to save her. But it was too late. She fell off… __________________________________________________ _____________ … …. ….. …… ……. “Mr.Varadro?” “Uh, yes. How is her condition, Doctor?” Enriquez asked calmly. “She’ll live. But…she’ll be in a coma for a long time.” “How long?” “For at least six months.” ……….. Enriquez was too shocked to speak. Why… Why did it have to end like this? “We’ll be contacting her parents now.” “All right. Doc, before I leave, promise me one thing…” “Hmm?” “Make sure you make her forget me. Yeah, make her forget me…” __________________________________________________ _____________ Washington, D.C. “Hey, Jack, you know something?” A heavy-bodied, light colored and somewhat fat man dressed in a black suit asked Jack at a dinner table in a high-class Italian restaurant. “Eh, what is it this time, Tom?” “This job is nice and all, but I think I reached my limits here already.” “What do you mean?” “I want to elevate myself to something higher. A senator, maybe.” “Don’t tell me you’re running for the special election in California.” “Oh, I am. Nobody else is running.” “California, voting in a Tennesee-born redneck? Haah….” “Hey, I only call myself CaliforniaRedneck on IRC. Don’t use that word in real life, I beg you. Also, I’m a progressive all the way. I got elected in Oakland, what makes you think I won’t get elected in a Senate race?” “…well, you got a point.” “You’re an Asian guy elected from Denver. You know better than this.” “….” The cell phone on the desk suddenly rang. “Ah, hello? Enriquez! I’m, uh, just having dinner with McCllean…” “Bro, I’m moving out of San Fran.” “…wait, what happened?” “Too long to explain.” Enriquez hung up. “…well, shit happened?” Tom asked. “…something to that extent.” Jack replied. “Anyways, where were we…” __________________ Nanoha Movie; Hollywood Parody edition script

2012-12-03, 17:12	Link #10
Vexx Obey the Darkly Cute ... Author Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: On the whole, I'd rather be in Kyoto ... Age: 55	Still seems a lot like a sketch/outline where you're just trying to get ideas onto a blank page (in other words, it looks a lot like some of my early "sticky note" barrages when trying to decide how a chapter should go). As a prologue, it lacks any introductory description of characters (what they look like, etc) or a setup on why any of this matters. They seem to spend a lot of time worrying about what type of car, we don't know why he was supposed to meet her on top of a building (to jump together? what?). What is she to him? If he knew she was thinking of jumping he seemed remarkably unconcerned? It might work better as a flashback after the reader knows the information? Please don't take this badly ... I'm just marking where I think it needs clarification, explanation, or expansion. I'm looking at my latest three chapters with a really jaundiced eye today (returns to chainsaw and mallet whacking of my own text). __________________ "It Really IS Rocket Science", Light Novel series Volume 3 in progress; Vol. 3 ch. 04 released) ((thanks for reading)) Last edited by Vexx; 2012-12-03 at 23:30.

2012-12-04, 02:27	Link #12
Vexx Obey the Darkly Cute ... Author Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: On the whole, I'd rather be in Kyoto ... Age: 55	yeah, I should post one of my early drafts where I'm just throwing ideas down randomly to see what sticks just to demonstrate what my addled brain does when its flailing around trying to create a chapter. Sometimes I'm not even sure whose POV I should relate the events from at first. __________________ "It Really IS Rocket Science", Light Novel series Volume 3 in progress; Vol. 3 ch. 04 released) ((thanks for reading))

2012-12-04, 18:05	Link #13
Kerspunkle Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Your imagination	I like the sprinkling of comedy you threw in. I see a few grammatical errors, but I find this prologue to be much more interesting than the last. I found the part of the previous prologue with the little girl to be confusing. I didn't understand the part where it described her tears as "made of water and blood combined." Was she injured, or was that just description? Just to make sure, I have to ask. This is the all the same story, right? Also, about how often do you write?

2012-12-06, 09:59	Link #14
guzmanword Junior Member Join Date: Dec 2012	yeah, I should post one of my early drafts where I'm just throwing ideas down randomly to see what sticks just to do it.

2012-12-08, 01:57	Link #16
Vexx Obey the Darkly Cute ... Author Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: On the whole, I'd rather be in Kyoto ... Age: 55	Here's some snippets of one of my "white boards" where I'm just throwing things down. You'll see some stuff I used, some stuff I dropped, re-arranged, etc. I deleted any spoilers from my story. Its kind of like text snippets as Legos, arrange, assemble, re-arrange, change parts. (yeah, ADD-wired here as well) TL;DR… white board notes covered for thread page tidiness Sorry; dynamic content not loaded. Reload? __________________ "It Really IS Rocket Science", Light Novel series Volume 3 in progress; Vol. 3 ch. 04 released) ((thanks for reading)) Last edited by Vexx; 2013-04-04 at 18:12. Reason: edit to remove some spoilers

2013-04-04, 00:13	Link #17
speedyexpress48 Hoho, no shit Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Californiarado	Started another project, only this time it's a movie script and a parody for lulz. Link's in my sig (the rest of it is on my pastebin profile.) __________________ Nanoha Movie; Hollywood Parody edition script