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Old 2012-01-24, 16:53   Link #41
Kagayaki
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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This is fun The choices are better constructed in this than in some commercial VNs I've read By that, I mean that it definitely feels like the decisions will and should have lasting effects on your relationships with the other characters, which is nice. I'm looking forward to seeing how much branching will happen and how far away the individual routes are going to get from the original storyline.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Triple_R View Post
What I'm most curious about now is how I'm handling relationship development between Mami and Madoka in the "fanfic-only" sections. Do readers find it too fast, too slow, or just right?
I think it's just right. It makes sense both because of their circumstances and initial attitudes towards each other and also because there just isn't that much time to do that development in unless you wanted to add more mami-route-original stuff than there already is before whatever branching is going to happen.
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Old 2012-01-26, 03:39   Link #42
Triple_R
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Chapter 6

“I'll go get Mami right away!”


That's what I had shouted to Sayaka before racing off to get Mami's help. Thankfully it didn't take me long to find Mami, and tell her about the witch's barrier about to form at the hospital. But by the time I had brought Mami to where I had seen the Grief Seed, Kyubey and Sayaka were already gone, as was the Grief Seed itself! They must have been sucked into the witch's barrier!

“Here, huh?” Mami stated, as a mystical glow emanating from a crack in the wall was still visible.

Mami then gestured forward with her left arm and open palm, which caused a ring she was wearing to shine brightly and make a piercing high-pitched sound. I then saw a brilliantly bright white light shimmering outwards from the crack in the wall, in the form of some sort of intricate symbol. Mami then tightened one arm against her chest, and closed her eyes. It looked like she was concentrating very hard on something!

I found all of this pretty perplexing, but I guess that she was trying to telepathically reach Kyubey. I hope that she's able to reach him. Him and Sayaka!

'Kyubey!' I heard Mami's telepathic message in my mind, 'What's the situation?'

'We're still Okay.' he responded, 'It doesn't seem like it's about to do anything.'

'Sayaka, are you okay?' I desperately asked with my own thoughts.

'I'm getting bored in here.' she responded.

Hearing that was a big relief to me! It allowed me to smile, and become more calm over the situation.

'It's probably better to avoid provoking the egg by using strong magic.' stated Kyubey, 'You don't have to hurry, but try to keep it stealthy.'

'Got it.' replied Mami.

Mami then turned to look me in the face. I could tell from her body language that she wanted to know if I was ready to enter into the witch's barrier. I made my intentions clear by taking a step towards Mami. As frightened as I may be, there's no way I would abandon my friends now! So Mami and I then walked through the magical portal.

As with the other witch's barriers I've seen, this one was very strange and creepy. I saw medicine bottles with various items in them, like scissors, cakes, and weird looking candies. In fact, this witch's barrier seemed to have a food or medical theme to it. It made me think of what the interior of the Gingerbread House from Hansel and Gretel would look like! I guess it's only appropriate that we'd find a witch in here...

Mami took me by the hand, and took the lead, as we walked further into the witch's barrier. Feeling Mami's gentle but firm grip further relaxed me, and helped to take away a lot of my nervousness over the situation.

“I'm glad we made it in time.” I stated to her, as we continued walking forward.

“I should be scolding you for overdoing it, but it was Sayaka's idea, wasn't it?” she replied, “At least we don't have to worry about the witch getting away.”

But then, Mami and I heard footsteps behind us! Mami was the first one to turn around to address whoever was walking behind us, and then I turned around right after her. The person following us was Homura!

“I told you!” Mami stated angrily towards her, “I never wanted to see you again.”

“Today's hunt is mine.” Homura replied, “Back off.”

“Can't do that.” Mami responded, “We have a date with Miki-san and Kyubey.”

“I guarantee their safety.” Homura replied, while bowing her head slightly.

“You think I'll believe you?” Mami asked, in a slightly sarcastic tone.

Mami then suddenly gestured forward with her left arm and an open palm! I saw some sort of magical energy come shooting out of her hand. The next thing I knew, Homura was all tied up in orange ribbons with a yellowish chain design on them. She was firmly held in place just above the ground, with a cute red bow and a “1st Place” award on top! While it made for a strangely appealing visual, I couldn't help but feel deep regret over our continuous inability to get along with Homura...

“F-fool!” she shouted at Mami, while struggling against the ribbons that bound her, “This is no time to...”

“I don't want to have to hurt you.” Mami said, interrupting Homura, “But I need a little security.”

“This witch is completely different from the ones you've fought!” exclaimed Homura breathlessly.

“If you stay quiet, I'll let you go when I'm done.” stated Mami, as I could tell she didn't find Homura's words compelling.

But I had to admit that Homura's words strangely rang true to me, as they usually do...

“Let's go, Madoka.” Mami said to me, while she tilted her head towards me.

I really didn't like the idea of leaving Homura like this, and not heeding her advice. I know that Mami has been very patient with Homura, and has tried so hard to get along with her! I can understand why Mami has finally had enough of trying to be friendly with Homura. I also know that Mami means no real harm here, and just wants Homura to stay out of our way for a bit. Still, in spite of all of this, I couldn't shake the feeling that we should let Homura go, and listen to what she was saying to us. But... I don't know if I feel up to arguing the point with Mami-san...

“...Okay” I say to Mami's request for us to go.

Mami started walking away from Homura, and with steady confidence, while I walked away much slower, feeling very uneasy about all of this...

“Wait!” cried out Homura, before her binds tightened around her at the sound of her voice.

Well, it was now or never. I wanted to tell Mami-san that I didn't feel comfortable with the decision to not heed Homura's words. But I wasn't sure if it was my place to say that to Mami, as she's the magical girl, and I'm just a regular girl...


Affection Calculation Time! To determine your affection level with Mami Tomoe, refer to the following data and calculate the net effect of your choices.


Spoiler for Mami Tomoe Affection Data:



Your overall affection level with Mami must be +3 or higher in order for Option B of Opportunity Choice 3 to become available. Otherwise, you must select A.


Opportunity Choice 3:

A) Abide by Mami's decision to leave Homura tied up like this.

B) “Mami, I think we should let Homura go. Just to be on the safe side, you know!”


Spoiler for Response A:



Spoiler for Response B:



I could hear very squeaky mice-like voices just beyond a cookie-shaped door. Mami opened it up a bit, and peeked through the opening to make sure the coast was clear. After doing so we continued on our way. We then came to another door, this one looking more normal than the last. Mami carefully opened it up, once again made sure that the coast was clear, and we again continued on our way. Mami also took hold of my hand again, which I found comforting given how bizarrely mesmerizing this room was! Surreal grey walls were all about us, and many medicine bottles floated throughout the air, as far as the eye could see.

“Um... Mami...” I said to her.

“What?” she asked.

“I've been thinking about my wish.” I answered.

“Have you come up with something?” she asked.

“Yes.” I replied, “But I think you might get mad about it...”

“What wish do you want fulfilled?” she asked me.

“I've never been good at anything or had anything to be proud of.” I began in answer, “I thought I'd always be a bother rather than ever being able to help people.”


If you've achieved +2 affection or higher with Mami Tomoe, read the "Mami disagrees" section. Otherwise, skip over it.


Spoiler for Mami disagrees:



“Even though I hate that, I couldn't do anything about it.” I continued, as Mami and I made our way through another door, “But then I met you, and you showed me how to fight for the sake of others. You told me that maybe I could do the same thing. That would make me happier than anything. So just becoming a magical girl is my wish!”

I said all of this while Mami led me by the hand through delicious looking rooms of cakes, candies, cookies, desserts, and birthday cake candles.

“Helping people and being proud of myself...” I continued, as all sorts of wondrous dreams flew through my imagination, “That's my dearest wish.”

“It's tough, you know.” Mami said to me, a bit sternly, “You'll get hurt. You won't have time for boys or hanging out.”

“But when I see you trying your hardest, I look up to you!” I replied to her with a big smile.

“I'm not the kind of person you want to admire.” Mami said, after coming to a stop.


If you chose B for Opportunity Choice 2, read section OC2B. Otherwise, read section A.


Spoiler for Section A:



Spoiler for Section OC2B:



“That's... You're right.” Mami replied.

Mami then turned around, and faced me with tears in her eyes. She quickly took hold of my hands, causing me to gasp a bit. She held my hands tightly in hers while she looked into my eyes with such emotion and passion...

“Will you really fight by my side?” she asked of me, “Will you really stay by me?”

“Yes, if you'll have me.” I answered.

“I make such a terrible Senior, don't I?” Mami asked, while wiping the tears from her eyes, “I'm really no good at this.”

“Mami-san...” I uttered with a smile, as I must admit I found her more transparent self very cute.

Mami and I then talked about what my wish should be. She suggested that I wish for a cake so that we could eat it during a celebration for her and I teaming up as magical girls! While the thought was nice, that wish idea did seem kind of underwhelming compared to some of the more extravagant wishes that I had heard suggested. Before we could discuss it further, though, we both heard Kyubey crying out to us.

'Mami!' he exclaimed, 'The Grief Seed's started moving! Hurry up!'

“All right, got it!” Mami replied, “Let's blow this thing away!”

Mami then gestured her left hand forward, and transformed into her magical girl outfit! She formed a protective barrier of red ribbons around me while she jumped and twisted through the air, leaping into action! As she landed on her feet, she summoned forth seven rifles, and twirled one about in the air as though it were a baton. It looked like Mami was standing in the midst of great, giant cakes!

Mami started shooting off her rifles in rapid succession, while also swinging some as though they were a baseball bat. She did this to bring down several polka-dotted black foes that were attacking her. She briefly leaned backwards, to cause many rifles to appear right below her breasts! She then used those rifles to blow away more and more of the smaller enemies. She was so breathtakingly beautiful and effortlessly cool in how she fought! I couldn't help but smile at her in open mouth awe as she landed in front of me.

She then took me by the hand, and raced onwards. I sprinted behind her with such excitement in my steps!

We then walked through one more door. Just beyond it, we finally found Sayaka and Kyubey! They were crouched down behind a humongous pinkish doughnut.

“Sorry we took so long.” Mami said to Sayaka.

“Great, you made it.” stated Sayaka with a smile of relief.

“Look out!” exclaimed Kyubey, “It's coming!”

We then saw a surprisingly cute pink doll come exploding out of what looked to me like a large cereal box. That doll then landed on a chair, with a fork and a spoon on either side of it.

“Let's finish this off right away!” exclaimed Mami, as she swung her rifle to knock the chair out from under the doll.

I guess this cute pink doll must actually be the witch!

Mami then swung about in a wide circular motion, striking her rifle against the pink witch with the motion of a bat swing. The doll was sent streaking across the air crashing into a candy-coated pinkish wall. Mami fired off four rifle shots at the witch. The shots missed their target, but the witch fell to the ground anyway.

Mami then stepped right next to where the witch was laying, and pointed her rifle directly over the witch's head. She then fired off a shot! The witch was then catapulted into the air, as yellow strands came pouring out of where the witch had been shot.

“All right!” exclaimed Sayaka, as she pumped a fist into the air.

Sayaka and I were both cheering Mami on, and it did look like Mami was winning decisively!

Mami smiled warmly at the cheers of Sayaka and I, but then turned her attention back to the fight at hand. Mami transformed her rifle into the gigantic glistening gun that she uses for her “Tiro Finale!” blasts! Surely this would be it, as Mami prepared to fire off her patented finishing move!

TIRO FINALE!!!” exclaimed Mami, as she executed that attack!

The blast went straight through the witch!

But then... some large zeppelin-shaped creature came popping out of the seemingly destroyed body of the witch. This creature had rainbow-coloured eyes, two yellow cheeks, one blue ear, one orange ear, and a star-shaped orange nose. Mami looked as stunned by all of this as Sayaka and I were!

The zeppelin-shaped creature quickly shot downwards at Mami, as an elongated polka-dotted tail stretched out behind it. It had a malicious grin on its face. It began to open its mouth to reveal large, sharp pointy teeth! Mami gasped in horror here, and seemed to freeze up a bit. Sayaka and I gasped in horror as well!


If you chose B for Opportunity Choice 3, read Section OC3B. Otherwise, read Section "Mami dies!".

Spoiler for Mami dies!:



Spoiler for Section OC3B:



Homura leaped through the air to land right next to the witch!

The witch opened its massively menacing maw over Homura's entire body, and it seemed to swallow her whole!

But... Homura somehow was now standing outside of it. That's strange. Does Homura have a magical ability to teleport?

Sayaka and I stayed close to one another while Homura continued to fight the witch. Homura jumped from one pincushion pin platform to the next to the next, stealthily avoiding all of the witch's attempts to eat her!

Just when I feared that the witch had managed to catch Homura, I heard a loud explosion. Smoke then came billowing out of the mouth of the witch. The witch was clearly hurt a bit by that, as it tilted its head to the side, with its tongue sticking out.

Then a violent chain of explosions came in a a steady succession, as the witch's new zeppelin-shaped body was totally rocked by them. At the same time, Homura slowly landed on the witch's old body, which in turn lay on a really high chair. The witch briefly made a very angry face towards Homura, but that didn't last for long, as the final explosion was a particularly loud and destructive one, leaving the witch annihilated!


If you chose B for Opportunity Choice 3, read Section Mami Lives! Prologue and disregard the rest of the chapter. Otherwise, skip over it and read the rest of this chapter.


Spoiler for Mami Lives! Prologue:



Homura leaped off of the really high chair, and started walking towards Sayaka and I.

“That was a close call.” Homura stated.

Homura then came to a stop right in front of Sayaka and I. She gazed downwards at us with such haunting eyes...

“Take a good close look.” she said, while she gestured one hand towards... towards a mess of blood and shattered remnants, “This is what it means to be a magical girl.”

The witch's barrier then dissipated, as Sayaka and I found ourselves sitting just outside of the hospital. A Grief Seed slowly descended from the sky. Homura walked over to pick it up.

“Give it back...” Sayaka said to Homura, in a hoarse voice.

Sayaka was still traumatized by Mami's apparent death, just as I was. But while that made me stunned silent as I looked down at the ground, it made Sayaka increasingly flustered.

Homura walked over to Sayaka as Sayaka continued to address her.

“Give that back!” Sayaka cried, as tears were in her eyes, “That's Mami's! Come on! Give it back to her!”

Sayaka couldn't accept Mami's apparent death. Nor could I, really. And yet a part of me felt like I should speak up for Homura here. Homura did save us after all. Also, I think that Sayaka might have the wrong idea here, based on the unfortunate late timing of Homura's arrival. But... I wasn't sure if I had the strength to say much of anything given the horrifying circumstances of this wretched moment.


Opportunity Choice 4

If you made the choices necessary to have Opportunity Choice 1 become available and you achieved an affection level of +2 or higher with Mami, then you may now choose to explain the full situation to Sayaka. If you opt to do so, please read section OC4A. Otherwise, read -OC4.

Spoiler for OC4A:



Spoiler for -OC4:



Homura then walked away, while Sayaka and I wept bitterly to mourn Mami's death...

I thought I was so sure I wanted to be a magical girl, but now... now I'm not sure at all. Now the idea frightens me to the very core of my being! I was also very frightened over the idea of what might happen next.
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Last edited by Triple_R; 2012-03-04 at 16:51.
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Old 2012-01-26, 08:41   Link #43
Coldlight
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Triple_R View Post
1) What do you feel about the pace of the updates so far? Too fast, too slow, or just right?
1.) Right now, I find the pace just a bit too fast, but that's only because I was busy as of late. By the time I returned here to read, 4 new chapters were already out. But that's not really a problem, I'll get to read them once I find the opportunity.

Quote:
2) What's your take on the length of each chapter? Too long, too short, or just right? I went with a "1 chapter = Half an episode" format, at least for the first few chapters/episodes, since it's a simple format to stick to, and I think it enables for good-sized chunks of narrative content per chapter.
2.) The length of each chapter seems just right to me. Not too long, not too short. It's best this way, IMO.

Quote:
3) Thus far, I've maintained a strict 1st Person Narrative from Madoka's perspective, and I have to admit I've become very comfortable with that. However, depending on how closely a reader's choices adheres to the anime, we'll eventually get into a part of the narrative where a lot of key scenes are perceived primarily from Sayaka's perspective (sometimes while Madoka is off-screen). How should I approach these scenes?:
A) Maintain a strict Madoka perspective, and have her learn about them after the fact as necessary (i.e. these scenes become 'off-camera').

B) Have Madoka narrate the Sayaka-focused scenes from a sort of omniscient third person perspective.

C) Use a Sayaka narration voice for these scenes.

D) Use my own narration voice for them.
3.) Personally, I'd like to see you go with C just so I can read about Sayaka's thoughts written in your style , but I think B will also work well.

Quote:
4) There's an OC (Original Character) that I've been wondering if I should use for at least some of the branching routes of this narrative, as I think it could spice up the narrative. This OC would be based upon one of my all-time favorite anime antagonists, but he's a more conventional antagonist than Kyubey is. As such, including him would alter the flavor of Madoka Magica a little bit. Should I include him, or should I leave him out?
4.) Introducing an OC might feel somewhat alien or obtrusive, especially because you've been faithfully following the general, original narrative of the anime for a while now, but since you mention it's in branching routes, then it might work. I think you've already done it with Opportunity Choice 1, so why not?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Triple_R View Post
What I'm most curious about now is how I'm handling relationship development between Mami and Madoka in the "fanfic-only" sections. Do readers find it too fast, too slow, or just right?
While I didn't go too deep into Mami's route (yet), to me the development seems a bit too fast from the looks of the outer events in OC2. I don't think it has already been a week since they met Mami, though I'm not so sure myself either. Then again, this is Mami we're talking about here, in the context of certain canon events, we don't have time to delay the relationship development.
Assuming it goes in that direction, of course.

I was also a bit surprised that I even qualified to choose for Opportunity Choice 2, since I was intending to avoid getting too emotionally involved with Mami, but I guess I made the wrong prior choices.

This time, I picked [5A] + [LE] -> [6AB] -> [7B] -> [8B] + [OC2A] for my choices.
I think I have an idea about the path I want to take now. I want to try to save a certain someone, if that's even possible.
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Last edited by Coldlight; 2012-01-26 at 09:30. Reason: whoops, Ch. 6 was also already out, this post doesn't cover that yet
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Old 2012-01-27, 11:24   Link #44
Kogetsu Shirogane
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And with that, I can't go any farther (possibly excluding the "Mami Lives!" route) without risking blatant spoilers, due to the fact I haven't watched beyond this point due to technical difficulties. Alternately, I could just ignore the anime and stick with this, or possibly just not care for said spoilers. I'm at a bit of a loss on this.

Anyway, pretty good so far. I just barely managed to qualify for the last two Opportunity Choices, though.
Perhaps honestly selecting choices wasn't a good idea...
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... well at least it's consistent...
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Old 2012-01-27, 12:44   Link #45
Sol Falling
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Mami lives! Haha, the outcome was quite a bit more dramatic than I initially imagined, but Homua's criticisms and Mami's reaction to it both make perfect sense. Really intrigued to see how the story proceeds from here.

The other opportunity choice, with Madoka explaining to Sayaka the circumstances behind Homura's arrival, also is a rather key point which has interesting implications for the story. Fascinating stuff;
Spoiler for anime:


All of the subtle, shorter effects of past choices in the story make this fic quite fun to imagine in the form of a VN. I'll be looking forward to that too once its done.

Good work on this chapter!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kogetsu Shirogane View Post
And with that, I can't go any farther (possibly excluding the "Mami Lives!" route) without risking blatant spoilers, due to the fact I haven't watched beyond this point due to technical difficulties. Alternately, I could just ignore the anime and stick with this, or possibly just not care for said spoilers. I'm at a bit of a loss on this.

Anyway, pretty good so far. I just barely managed to qualify for the last two Opportunity Choices, though.
Perhaps honestly selecting choices wasn't a good idea...
That's quite unfortunate if this is the case. I have to ask, what kind of "technical difficulties" are you having with finishing the anime? Maybe there are some workarounds available that will allow you to finish it sooner.

I do think even the "Mami Lives" route will have quite heavy potential for spoilers...hopefully you/we can work something out.
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Old 2012-01-28, 00:49   Link #46
Triple_R
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Coldlight, Kogetsu, and Sol Falling - Thank you all for your feedback.

I'm glad that the immediate results of "Mami Lives!" worked well for you, Sol. Like yourself, I think it makes sense for Homura to take advantage of the situation to make a compelling argument to Madoka, while Mami's insecurities would come bubbling to the surface big-time after needing Homura to save her.


Now I'm going to once more ask people for specific feedback (this will probably be the last time I do this). This narrative is going to start branching out a lot now. There's the obvious main split of "Mami Lives" vs. "Mami Dies", and for each of those two main splits there will be different romance routes and also potential different routes when it comes to questions like "Will Madoka become a magical girl? Will Sayaka?".

In order for me to keep it all straight in my mind, I now intend to write two diverging sets of chapters - Chapter 7 on for "Mami Dies", and Chapters for a "Mami Lives" fanfic extension off of the first six chapters.

This can be formatted one of two ways:

1. I alternate between the two main diverging routes. In other words, I would make one update devoted entirely to the "Mami Lives" route and the update after that one will be devoted entirely to the "Mami Dies" route, and I would keep going back-and-forth between the two.

2. Each update I put up would be split in half with a thick bold red line highlighting the split. The top half would be devoted to "Mami Dies" route, while the bottom half is devoted to "Mami Lives" route. So you'd get some of each different main route for each update.


Which of the two formats would readers prefer?
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Old 2012-01-28, 01:38   Link #47
Kimidori
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Triple_R View Post
Coldlight, Kogetsu, and Sol Falling - Thank you all for your feedback.

I'm glad that the immediate results of "Mami Lives!" worked well for you, Sol. Like yourself, I think it makes sense for Homura to take advantage of the situation to make a compelling argument to Madoka, while Mami's insecurities would come bubbling to the surface big-time after needing Homura to save her.


Now I'm going to once more ask people for specific feedback (this will probably be the last time I do this). This narrative is going to start branching out a lot now. There's the obvious main split of "Mami Lives" vs. "Mami Dies", and for each of those two main splits there will be different romance routes and also potential different routes when it comes to questions like "Will Madoka become a magical girl? Will Sayaka?".

In order for me to keep it all straight in my mind, I now intend to write two diverging sets of chapters - Chapter 7 on for "Mami Dies", and Chapters for a "Mami Lives" fanfic extension off of the first six chapters.

This can be formatted one of two ways:

1. I alternate between the two main diverging routes. In other words, I would make one update devoted entirely to the "Mami Lives" route and the update after that one will be devoted entirely to the "Mami Dies" route, and I would keep going back-and-forth between the two.

2. Each update I put up would be split in half with a thick bold red line highlighting the split. The top half would be devoted to "Mami Dies" route, while the bottom half is devoted to "Mami Lives" route. So you'd get some of each different main route for each update.


Which of the two formats would readers prefer?
i vote for 2
but it seem that finding artwork for the VN will get much hader for Mami Live routes. that why i think we should go for wikitan visual novel style (dialog boxes and sprites denoting the speaker). it would be much easier to do the VN. the problem here is we still don't have an artist to do so
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Old 2012-01-28, 02:19   Link #48
Sol Falling
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Age: 25
I inch slightly more towards 1, but both options seem like they'd be fine.
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Seasonal enjoyment ratings:
HappinessCharge Precure 100/5 :: Stardust Crusaders 80/5 :: Mushishi S2 90/5 :: Akuma no Riddle: 15/5 :: Inugami-san to Nekoyama-san 24/5 :: GochiUsa 33/5 :: Soul Eater NOT! 18/5 :: Love Live! S2 80/5
Summer: Sailor Moon Crystal 30/5 :: Hanayamata 30/5 :: Locodol 80/5 :: Yama no Susume 100/5 :: Momo Kyun Sword 11/5
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Old 2012-01-28, 03:07   Link #49
Kogetsu Shirogane
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There's multiple factors to look at. One, does "Mami Lives!" lock onto the Mami Route or will other routes still be accessible through it? Two, will two normal-length updates fit within a single post, assuming you intend on going through with that? Three, if this is a Mami Route exclusive branch, will you be able to continue doing this once you reach the points where other story branches occur? Four, how much easier would it be to write these as separate updates?

Please keep in mind that I'm not actually expecting responses to those questions, I'm just giving these as examples of what to think of. If you want, you can go ahead and answer the ones you'd feel comfortable answering.

Anyway, while it may seem inelegant at first, I would actually suggest going with format 1 to avoid complications down the line. However, whichever you go with, I would suggest considering spoiler tags for future updates, even if it's just to simulate the VN approach you're taking.
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... well at least it's consistent...
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Old 2012-01-28, 13:04   Link #50
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Finally found time to catch up. I'm enjoying the story even more than I thought I would. You've done an excellent job so far. The narrative flows naturally, the choices/branching are well integrated, and Madoka stays in character for the most part.

I read all the options at first, but I decided to strictly abide by the rules to get the experience possible after the second chapter. Unfortunately for me, I'm making shitty choices. Didn't get a single opportunity choice so far and my Homura-chan affection point have dropped

If there is a forever alone ending, I'm I'll get it

Quote:
Originally Posted by Triple_R View Post
1) What do you feel about the pace of the updates so far? Too fast, too slow, or just right?

2) What's your take on the length of each chapter? Too long, too short, or just right? I went with a "1 chapter = Half an episode" format, at least for the first few chapters/episodes, since it's a simple format to stick to, and I think it enables for good-sized chunks of narrative content per chapter.

3) Thus far, I've maintained a strict 1st Person Narrative from Madoka's perspective, and I have to admit I've become very comfortable with that. However, depending on how closely a reader's choices adheres to the anime, we'll eventually get into a part of the narrative where a lot of key scenes are perceived primarily from Sayaka's perspective (sometimes while Madoka is off-screen). How should I approach these scenes?:
A) Maintain a strict Madoka perspective, and have her learn about them after the fact as necessary (i.e. these scenes become 'off-camera').

B) Have Madoka narrate the Sayaka-focused scenes from a sort of omniscient third person perspective.

C) Use a Sayaka narration voice for these scenes.

D) Use my own narration voice for them.
4) There's an OC (Original Character) that I've been wondering if I should use for at least some of the branching routes of this narrative, as I think it could spice up the narrative. This OC would be based upon one of my all-time favorite anime antagonists, but he's a more conventional antagonist than Kyubey is. As such, including him would alter the flavor of Madoka Magica a little bit. Should I include him, or should I leave him out?
1) The release schedule is a bit too fast for me but it's not that big an issue. While I may not have time to read each chapter when it's released, I can always read them later on. It's not like they'll disappear.

2) Seems perfect to me.

3) A or D are the best if you want to stick to a visual novel narrative structure. A appeals to me the most as it would reduce the amount of repeated scenes from the anime.

4) It all depends on who that character is (if it's a villain I love as well then of course I want to see him!), and whether he wouldn't feel too out of place in this story. Hated the Guilty Crown crossover by the way

Quote:
Originally Posted by Triple_R View Post
Now I'm going to once more ask people for specific feedback (this will probably be the last time I do this). This narrative is going to start branching out a lot now. There's the obvious main split of "Mami Lives" vs. "Mami Dies", and for each of those two main splits there will be different romance routes and also potential different routes when it comes to questions like "Will Madoka become a magical girl? Will Sayaka?".

In order for me to keep it all straight in my mind, I now intend to write two diverging sets of chapters - Chapter 7 on for "Mami Dies", and Chapters for a "Mami Lives" fanfic extension off of the first six chapters.

This can be formatted one of two ways:

1. I alternate between the two main diverging routes. In other words, I would make one update devoted entirely to the "Mami Lives" route and the update after that one will be devoted entirely to the "Mami Dies" route, and I would keep going back-and-forth between the two.

2. Each update I put up would be split in half with a thick bold red line highlighting the split. The top half would be devoted to "Mami Dies" route, while the bottom half is devoted to "Mami Lives" route. So you'd get some of each different main route for each update.


Which of the two formats would readers prefer?
1 would be best. It's better to keep different routes separated.

Incidentally, it might be nice to include an index in your first post, preferably broken down into multiple sections (one for the main path and one for each route). It's not necessary right now, but it will eventually be as the story progresses and the thread gets bigger.
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Old 2012-01-30, 04:58   Link #51
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Mami Lives Chapter 1

“Mami-san, wait! Please let me talk to you!”


That's what I shout out to her as I race behind her. But it doesn't help as she just keeps sprinting away, with tears in her eyes and shame in her heart.

I eventually lost sight of her, but I then made a quick guess that she was headed towards her home. So I decided to head there myself. I really hope that I find Mami there!


After arriving at her home, I came to a complete stop in order to catch my breath, and relax my aching legs. I then slowly walked up the flight of stairs that lead to the door to Mami's home.

“Mami-san, are you there?” I ask, after knocking on the door.

No response.

So I then tried for the handle, as I wanted to make sure if she was home or not. The door was locked. I wasn't sure if that was because Mami had locked her door when she left her home earlier today, or if it was because she was now inside her home with the intention of locking everybody else out while she stayed inside alone. Just to be on the safe side, I decide to shout out to her.

“Mami, if you're there, please let me in!” I exclaimed.

No response.

“I really want to talk to you.” I continued in a softer voice, “You're my friend, and so I want to help you out if you're not feeling well. Don't shut your friends out when you need help!”

Still no response.

If Mami was there, she had made a choice to not talk with me. There's nothing I could do about that, so after feeling a bit dejected, I decided to turn around and try to meet back up with Sayaka to discuss what to do next. But just as I went for my cell-phone, I heard Mami call out to me.

“Kaname-san...” She managed weakly, addressing me through the closed door, “I'm sorry, but I'm not really in a mood to talk right now.”

“Mami!” I shouted in response, as I could feel a sudden burst of excited energy over the sound of her voice.

“...Are you sure you're Ok?” I asked, after that burst had worked its way through me.

“I... well...” She responded, clearly unsure of herself.

“If you don't want to talk right now, I understand.” I said, “But if that's your decision, I want to make sure you're Ok before I leave.”

I wanted that out of sincere concern for Mami's well-being, but also for my own peace of mind.

After a tense pause, I heard the door lock become unfastened, and the door before me was slowly pulled back. Standing behind the door I could make out Mami, with slightly reddened cheeks, her eyes appearing tired, and her head hung low. I could instantly tell how rough the past hour had been for her. So I instinctively gave Mami a quick hug, while I thanked her for letting me in. After hugging her, I closed the door behind me, but neither Mami or I locked it.

“I'm sorry for running away from you and Miki-san without saying anything to you.” she said to me, after composing herself, “I know that was irresponsible of me, but Akemi-san's words certainly left their mark. After hearing them, I felt... I felt completely unworthy of even being your friend, let alone your Senior.”

As Mami said that, she walked into the room with the transparent glass dining table, but instead sat on the pink couch just behind it. While thinking carefully on what she was saying, I sat next to her.

“Homura may be right about how Sayaka and I shouldn't become magical girls...” I admitted, “But that doesn't change the good you've done as a magical girl. You've already saved lives and helped people! Maybe there are some witches you can't defeat on your own, but that doesn't mean you have anything to be ashamed of.”

While stting next to Mami, I lean sideways to look closely into her eyes and the side of her face, searching for any sign that she was accepting what I was saying, as I dearly wanted to uplift her spirits. I did get the sense that Mami was carefully taking in what I was saying to her, but I fear that my words weren't resonating with her.

“It is true that I've helped a few people that are strangers to me.” Mami replied at last, speaking very clearly, but as tears formed in her eyes, “But I've also recklessly endangered the only friends I have. ...I'm horrible. I deserve the harsh fate that has been given me.”

“That's not true!” I exclaimed in reply, as I leaned closer towards Mami, and place my hands over her's.

Her head than titled towards me with such a deep and penetrating look of need and sadness.

“I appreciate your attempt to comfort me, but it is unwarranted.” Mami responded, as she looked a bit away from me, “I have lost everything. After the tragic passing of my parents, I was left with no close family members and no true friends. My actions gravely endangered the only friends I've made since that tragic passing. ...I'm unwanted and unloved, and that's the way it should be.”


You must have chosen A for Choice M1 in order for Option B of M Opportunity Choice 1 to become available. Otherwise, you must select A.

M Opportunity Choice 1:

A) “That's also not true. Sayaka and I both value you as a friend.”

B) “You're not unwanted and unloved! I... I love you, Mami!”


Spoiler for Response A:



Spoiler for Response B:



Sayaka and I both headed to our respective homes, with us coming to my home first. It was a bit late, but mama wasn't home, so at least she wasn't going to be upset about me missing curfew.

I changed into my pajamas, and lay upon my bed. My mind was simply flooded in thoughts over this very eventful day! But even amidst that flood, I noticed Kyubey was now in my room, situated amongst my beloved plushies.

“If you want to make sure that Mami never gets killed by a witch” he said, “The best course of action would be for you to become a magical girl ally to her!”

“You might be right” I replied to him, “But it's important to me to honor my promises, so I'm going to wait awhile before making a decision on that.”

Kyubey didn't press the issue further, which allowed me to focus more on the events of today. I had to remember to thank Homura tomorrow at school, for how she saved all of us. I also wanted to do what I could to bring Homura and Mami closer together, as I think that would be to the benefit of both of them.

With these thoughts in my mind, and many more besides, I slowly drifted to sleep. As horrible as a couple of today's events were, I still couldn't wait to see what tomorrow would bring!

_______________________________________________


Phew.

That one scene went much longer than I thought it would, after I covered every possibility for it. I know this chapter might look really short, but trust me, once you click open the spoiler spaces it'll get much longer.


So, yeah, with apologies to naamio, I'm definitely going to go with Format 1.

Given the great advice/feedback of Kogetsu and Kanon, I've already plotted out 4 basic "chain of events": 2 for Mami Lives, and 2 for the more anime-based main branch. Managing 4 different chains per chapter would just be too hard, so I'll be alternating between "Mami Lives" and the more anime-based main branch from now on.

The "Mami Lives" route will be almost entirely "fanfic-original", so I'm really interested in knowing how that route is coming off to readers.


Anyway, I hope that everybody enjoys this update! ^_^
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Last edited by Triple_R; 2012-02-01 at 03:19.
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Old 2012-01-30, 06:25   Link #52
Kogetsu Shirogane
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As much as I really did not want to "friend zone" Mami while she was in that state of mind, I honestly feel that it was a more "correct" choice. The confession itself is perfectly fine, and that's actually a very appropriate time to do it, but it just seems like what comes after it within the choice itself feels like Madoka is trying to take advantage of her. If it were perhaps part of the resulting section I wouldn't have had a problem with it, but as it stands, she's doing it immediately after the confession, and Mami really doesn't have any time to react to what was said.

At any rate, I don't feel guilty about my choice, as I genuinely do like what came of it. However, I will point out that C1B (which I would have gotten normally, for those wondering) is hilariously awkward, and part of me wishes I would have actually went that route instead.
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... well at least it's consistent...

Last edited by Kogetsu Shirogane; 2012-01-30 at 07:17. Reason: I looked back, and found my previous post to be rather rude. Therefore, I replaced it.
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Old 2012-01-30, 12:37   Link #53
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Based on Kogetsu's feedback, I made a slight alteration to Mami Lives Chapter 1.

Originally, choice B of M Opportunity Choice 1 read... "You're not unwanted and unloved! I... I love you, Mami!” I then kiss her.


The kiss part has now been put into the first paragraph of the result of the choice.

If people prefer it the original way, please let me know. Otherwise, I'll be sticking with this edit.
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Old 2012-02-01, 02:56   Link #54
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That's a pretty sensible edit. Actually, I originally chose response A for Mami's Opportunity Choice 1 too but now I might have to rethink it a little.

My bad on taking so long to comment this time. What I thought was going to be a fairly straightforward cramming/procrastination session actually ran on a fair bit longer than I expected it to. These original developments with Mami were certainly a pleasant distraction, however.

In the end, I think I'll stick with response A for MOC1 after all. Aside from being my original choice, it also includes the somewhat important development of Madoka pushing Sayaka to reconcile with Homura. In comparison with choice B had I proceeded into section C1A, too, I'm glad to avoid alienating Sayaka (however temporarily) due to appearing to have hidden lesbian relationships or lesbian tendencies from her.

lol, I wonder how Mami would take to the possibility of Madoka cheating... Their relationship seems very emotionally intense already. Section C1B seems like it would've been the most lenient towards a harem direction as it looked like Mami was comfortable putting on a little show even with Sayaka present .

I'm looking forward to more developments on the "cooperation" front with Homura.
Spoiler for anime:


Good work on the chapter! I'll still be very glad for the next one.
(The Nisemonogatari reference in this one was kinda subtle, I liked that too .)
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Old 2012-02-01, 10:34   Link #55
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Thumbs up

Wow, how did I miss this thread. When I saw the Madoka Magica, Pure Pink Pretty Lovers thread title I was overcome with intense curiosity and it seemed to have paid off exponentially. Before I begin, I would like to thank TripleR for making this you have rekindled my passion for Madoka that I re-watched the series again. I've forgotten how awesome it is so Thank you x 1000.

Anyway, I've noticed that everyone seems to be saying what choice and route they're after as Triple R goes along. For me, I'll try to do the harem route (if its possible) or at the very least I'll be picking choices that will make everyone survive until Walpurgis night. Btw, its not cheating to look at the result of the choices after choosing right?

I'll put spoilers in the reason why I choose so it won't feel text blocky.

1. B
Spoiler for why:


2. B
Spoiler for why:



3. A

Spoiler for Why:


Opportunity choice : AWWW, I didnt qualify for it.
Spoiler for review for opportunity choice:


4. A
Spoiler for Why:


5. A
Spoiler for why:



The First lingering effect is pretty cool.

6. B
Spoiler for Spoiler:


7. B
Spoiler for why:


8. A
Spoiler for why:



Yes I qualified again for Opportunity Choice 2
9. B
Spoiler for why:


And I qualified for an observation choice ..

Spoiler for review of opportunity choice:


And following my route I get another M opportunity:
Spoiler for ....:



Finally caught with you guys... Thanks again Triple R for making this VN... Thumbs up its great!
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Old 2012-02-01, 20:09   Link #56
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sol Falling View Post
That's a pretty sensible edit. Actually, I originally chose response A for Mami's Opportunity Choice 1 too but now I might have to rethink it a little.
Good to know it works better with the edit.

Quote:

My bad on taking so long to comment this time. What I thought was going to be a fairly straightforward cramming/procrastination session actually ran on a fair bit longer than I expected it to.
No problem. My writing pace has slowed down a bit anyway.

Quote:
These original developments with Mami were certainly a pleasant distraction, however.
Glad you enjoyed it!

Quote:

lol, I wonder how Mami would take to the possibility of Madoka cheating... Their relationship seems very emotionally intense already.
I felt that the anime itself was pretty suggestive on the Madoka/Mami front during most of Episode 3. In fairness to night_sentinel, it's perhaps more infatuation than love, but there was significant yuri subtext between Madoka and Mami during that one episode.

Quote:
Section C1B seems like it would've been the most lenient towards a harem direction as it looked like Mami was comfortable putting on a little show even with Sayaka present .
My view on Mami is that when she's happy she's a very smooth operator, and not very shy.

Quote:

I'm looking forward to more developments on the "cooperation" front with Homura.
Good pickup. I intend for that to play a key role in at least 2 of 4 narrative "chains" going forward (2 chains for "Main" Route and 2 chains for "Mami Lives" Route).

Quote:

Good work on the chapter! I'll still be very glad for the next one.
(The Nisemonogatari reference in this one was kinda subtle, I liked that too .)
Glad you liked that! It seems to fit given that Madoka is a SHAFT fan.


Quote:
Originally Posted by night_sentinel View Post
Wow, how did I miss this thread. When I saw the Madoka Magica, Pure Pink Pretty Lovers thread title I was overcome with intense curiosity and it seemed to have paid off exponentially.
I'm glad you're liking it a lot.

In case anybody's curious, the title is actually inspired by Mashiro-iro Symphony (i.e. "Love is Pure White"). I felt that a similar title would make it pretty clear that this fanfic is a VN-style romance routes narrative.

Quote:
Before I begin, I would like to thank TripleR for making this you have rekindled my passion for Madoka that I re-watched the series again. I've forgotten how awesome it is so Thank you x 1000.
You're welcome!

Quote:
Anyway, I've noticed that everyone seems to be saying what choice and route they're after as Triple R goes along. For me, I'll try to do the harem route (if its possible) or at the very least I'll be picking choices that will make everyone survive until Walpurgis night. Btw, its not cheating to look at the result of the choices after choosing right?
No, that's not cheating.

Overall, you've been making very good choices! If there is a harem route, you may well get a shot at it.


Quote:
Finally caught with you guys... Thanks again Triple R for making this VN... Thumbs up its great!
Thanks a lot for the detailed feedback!

Chapter 7 of the "Main Route" should be up within a day or two.
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Old 2012-02-02, 07:49   Link #57
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Triple_R
I felt that the anime itself was pretty suggestive on the Madoka/Mami front during most of Episode 3. In fairness to night_sentinel, it's perhaps more infatuation than love, but there was significant yuri subtext between Madoka and Mami during that one episode.
My view on Mami is that when she's happy she's a very smooth operator, and not very shy.
Spoiler for regarding Mami romance and the order that romance option is followed:
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Old 2012-02-03, 05:08   Link #58
Coldlight
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Upon continuing from my previous choices, in chapter 6 the story started developing down a path I didn't like. I didn't want to simply repeat the events of the anime, not now that I have my "mission" already defined in front of me. So, while it might be quite "gamey" to do this, I... "loaded from a previous save" in chapter 5 and chose [8A] + OC2A, replacing my previous choice of [8B] + OC2A.

Ch.5: [8A] + [OC2A] -> Ch.6: [OC3B] -> Mami Lives Ch.1: [MOC1A]

While reading through MOC1A, (and noticing a nice reference to the Fire Sisters from Nisemonogatari) I couldn't help but notice that Kyuubey seemed to be less... insidious, or perhaps opportunistic by telling Mami something encouraging. In my mind I could already imagine him doing the opposite by trying to push Mami "over the edge" emotionally. I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or not, but I do like the seemingly unusual response.

I did have to resist starting over with a new "playthrough", though. For now, I just have that one certain goal in mind. Fully ideal playthroughs can wait later. I'm sticking to most of my earlier choices while I (apparently) haven't made some fatal mistakes yet.

I also find myself in agreement with Kanon's suggestion of an index on page 1 once more releases are out and the pages in the thread increase. Good work on everything so far.
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Old 2012-02-03, 14:54   Link #59
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Chapter 7

“Take a good close look. This is what it means to be a magical girl.”


Those words from Homura, and the traumatic images that I now associate with them, have haunted me since I witnessed Mami's grisly and tragic death. They gave me very dark and violent nightmares last night. But unlike my other recent strange dreams, these were more random, horrific, troubling... scary.

And yet, I now eat breakfast with my family. Everything seems peaceful, pleasant, pretty.

Mama makes amusing coos and grunts towards my little brother while she keeps his face clean and helps feed him. Papa seems relaxed and very content as he watches on from behind the counter. Mornings like this would typically make me feel happy and tranquil. But given what I have witnessed lately, it all seemed like a thin veneer hiding something very different and dark underneath...

I become lost in such thoughts, related to the more private memories of recent days, while I stare down at my eggs.

“Madoka.” mama stated, startling me back into the present, “Hurry up and eat, you're going to be late.”

I instinctively bowed my head in agreement, but still finding it hard to focus on the here and now. As I place a piece of my eggs into my mouth, I feel... I feel so overwhelmed by a debilitating sadness.

...Mami-san...


I can't stop thinking about her. I can't hold back my tears and whimpers from coming out. She was such a nice person. Such a caring, considerate, courageous person. I had looked up to her with such total admiration. It was so hard... so abysmally hard... to accept what has happened to her!

Why did that have to happen to her?!

“What's wrong, sis?” my little brother asks me, as he and my parents notice my crying.

“You don't like it?” Papa asks, thinking that my crying is a result of the eggs tasting bad.

“No... it's really, really tasty...” I reply to him, while shaking my head back-and-forth, as I really don't want him to think that his cooking is bad when it's actually very good.

“Just being alive and able to taste your cooking...” I continue in thanks, while losing track of exactly what I want to say.

I can tell as I leave home that my parents are very worried about me. I hate worrying them like that, but it's really difficult to hide how disturbed and sad I feel right now. Maybe talking to Sayaka about it will make me feel better...


But as I meet up with Hitomi and Sayaka at our usual morning meeting place, I notice that Sayaka is talking to Hitomi about all sorts of school gossip. This continues as we make our way to school, with me walking between Hitomi and Sayaka.

“Can you believe Yuka?” Sayaka asks Hitomi, while the three of us walk on towards school, “She still hasn't picked up on it!”

Sayaka then re-enacts her conversation with our classmate Yuka, to more clearly convey what she is saying about her. But I can tell that Sayaka doesn't really care about what she's talking about right now. She just wants to fill the air with white noise in order to force out thoughts over Mami. I can understand why Sayaka is taking this approach, but I think it's just delaying the inevitable.

'Sayaka, about yesterday...' I say telepathically towards her, taking advantage of Kyubey walking closely behind us.

'Sorry, I don't want to talk about it right now.' she responds telepathically to me while continuing to talk to Hitomi, 'Maybe later.'

I sigh over Sayaka's response, but I guess not everybody deals with tragedy and grief the same way. In fact, I envy Sayaka's ability to act like everything is perfectly normal and fine. But while I envy that ability, it also makes me wonder how typical this might be of the world as a whole. How much death, sadness, and tragedy is lying just beneath the surface, hidden by people putting on a brave face and acting like everything is Ok when it really isn't.


With that in mind, the school morning progressed as though nothing was out of the ordinary at all. Saotome-Sensei gave a lecture on the ideal age for reproduction and marriage during Biology class. Normally I'd find it a bit funny how she was stressing how getting married at a late age is no big deal since Saotome-Sensei herself is a single woman over thirty. But neither Sayaka nor myself was able to find much amusement this morning, as our minds were in very dark and serious places...


Come lunch break, Sayaka and I went to our usual spot on the pure white rooftop of the school. Daytime weather has been exceptionally beautiful lately, with one bright sunny day after the next after the next. The irony of this was not lost on either of us, however.

“I almost feel like I'm in a strange land...” I utter uneasily, breaking the tense somber silence in the air, “Everyone here at school hasn't changed a bit from yesterday, but they're like total strangers now.”

“None of them know.” Sayaka replies, “About the witches, about Mami... We know, and they don't. So we live different lives, in a different world.”

“Sayaka-chan...” I say, while shifting to look at her, as what she's saying so painfully resonates with me.

“We'd already changed even before what happened yesterday.” she continued, “We should have realized sooner.”

I swallowed hard over those words. Sayaka is right. We now know of a hidden world, of unimaginable horrors, and of the magical root causes of problems and tragedies that are complete mysteries to most people.

Now that we know of that hidden world, can we truly turn away from it? Can we truly go back to normal? It occurs to me that what I should do, if I was strong and courageous, was to wish for Mami to be brought back to life, and to then fight as a magical girl.

But... I'm scared. I think that I'm too scared to do that. I'm afraid that what happened to Mami will happen to me.

“Madoka, do you still want to become a magical girl?” Sayaka asked of me, while looking towards me.

I could tell that Kyubey perked up at that question, as he was carefully listening in on the conversation between Sayaka and I.

But I was very uncertain over what my answer should be. I knew, or at least I think I know, what would be the most useful choice I could make. The choice that would help other people the most. But I also knew that the safest choice for me personally was something different...
And so I sighed a bit over Sayaka's question, and was unable to answer it. From that, though, Sayaka correctly perceived an implicit answer.

“You're right.” she said, while placing a hand on my shoulder to comfort me, “Of course not.”

My eyes started to water up, and I became a bit choked up, due to feeling deep shame over my inability to overcome my fears.

“I know it's no fair, but I'm just too afraid” I replied, “I just can't...”

“Just remembering it makes me too scared to even breathe...” I continued, “I'm scared! I don't want to!”

Sayaka then wrapped her arms around my neck and shoulders to comfort me while I started to cry and emotionally break down a bit. I cried into the sleeve of her uniform.

“Mami was so kind.” Sayaka said, “Showing us what we must be prepared for if we're to fight.”

After continuing to comfort me a bit, Sayaka turned her attention to someone else and a different concern.


If you chose to explain the full situation to Sayaka in response to Opportunity Choice 4 then now read Section “Homura becomes Batman to Sayaka's Commissioner Gordon”. Otherwise, read Section “Kyubey breaks the bad news”.


Spoiler for Homura becomes Batman to Sayaka's Commissioner Gordon:



Spoiler for Kyubey breaks the bad news:



“Sorry, Kyubey.” I say towards him, as I still felt some shame over my decision here.

“I'm sorry I involved you in it.” he responds, “We only knew each other for a short time, but thanks, Madoka. I enjoyed it.”

And with that, Kyubey slowly walked away.


After school, I decided to go over to Mami's place, to see if anybody was there in the wake of her death and not coming home. I rang the doorbell for her home, but there was no response. So I took the handle, and was a bit surprised to find it unlocked. I then walked into Mami's home.

I could tell that Mami's home had been left untouched over the previous 24 hours. It seemed dustier and more unkempt than when I had been in it before. Unwashed dishes and utensils were in the sink. A half-drank cup of coffee was situated on the transparent glass table in her room.

On that table, I placed the notebook that I had made my magical girl doodles in. I felt that this would be a good way for me to make a clean break from my previous desire to become a magical girl.

But in the stillness and emptiness of the moment, a wretched melancholy overcame me. I started to weep bitterly over the current circumstances. It occurred to me that not only had Mami died, but her dream for Sayaka and I had died with her. If Mami was still here, I think she'd be disappointed in the decisions that Sayaka and I have made.

“I'm sorry!” I exclaimed, as though Mami was in the room with me, “I'm sorry I'm so weak!”

After drying off reddened cheeks, but with some tears still in my eyes, I slowly left Mami's place. I was hanging my head low as I carried a heavy guilt on my shoulders. But my somber stillness was interrupted at the startling sight of Homura now standing near to me!

“Huh?” I said, startled by her appearance, “Homura?!”

I then quickly wiped my eyes so I wouldn't look like a mess in front of her.

Homura then started walking towards me.

“Madoka Kaname.” she said towards me, “You're being too hard on yourself. Nobody can blame you for what you've done. I won't forgive anyone who does.”

Homura's words sounded so strong and reassuring. But amidst my confusion over why Homura was being so nice to me, I was left more perplexed than comforted.

“I'm glad you heeded my warning.” Homura continued.

I nodded to that, indicating agreement with her.


After that, Homura accompanied me for a walk. We walked over a long bridge, with a massive industrial area including an oil refinery, just off to the side of us. The sun was beginning to set, so everything was covered in a misty golden hue.

“If I had only listened to you earlier...” I said to Homura.

“That would not have changed Mami Tomoe's fate.” Homura responded, “But it changed yours. I'm happy I was able to save at least one person.”

Was this... was this why Homura had shown such concern for me? Has she witnessed many magical girls fail? Magical girls that were ill-suited for the role?

Maybe Homura knew that Kyubey was choosing both Sayaka and I simply due to magical potential alone, when neither of us had the right personality for the magical girl role. Perhaps Kyubey and Mami didn't recognize those weaknesses in Sayaka and I, but Homura did. This was giving me a new appreciation for Homura-san!

“Homura, you...” I began, while smiling over this observation, “You seem like an old pro in a different way than Mami.”

“Perhaps.” Homura responded, “I can't argue with that.”

But upon thinking more deeply on what I was observing here, I became a bit saddened.

“You must have seen so many people die like Mami did yesterday...” I said.

“Yes.” Homura quickly confirmed, with an almost troubling ease.

“How many?” I asked.

“I no longer keep count.” Homura answered.

With that answer disturbing me, I started to think more on Mami.

“I wonder if her room will just stay like that.” I expressed.

“Only distant relatives survive Mami Tomoe.” Homura replied, “They won't receive notice of her disappearance for quite some time.”

“No one realizes she's gone?” I asked.

“Of course.” Homura answered, “If you die over there, you don't leave a corpse. In this world, she'll eternally be “missing”. That's how magical girls die.”

The way Homura explained it made it all seem so horribly sad to me. It caused me to start tearing up again, and become a bit choked up.

I then came to a complete stop, as tears came falling down off of my cheeks. Thankfully, Homura noticed I had stopped and so she stopped walking as well.

“That's terrible!” I expressed, “She fought alone for our sakes for so long. No one realizing she's gone is so lonely!”

“That contract is what gives us our power.” Homura replied, trying to explain why the situation was what it is, “It's not for anyone else. We fight for our own wish. Even if we're ignored, even if we're forgotten... That's part of the contract.”

With these words, I felt a certain moral indignation rise up from within me. I didn't have the strength to be a magical girl, but I could do something here!

“I'll remember her.” I said, referring to Mami, “I'll never forget Mami. Ever!”

“I see.” Homura said, turning shyly away from me, “I'm sure that would make her happy. I'm jealous.”

I don't know if I was meant to hear that last line, but even so, I felt compelled to address it! I wanted to let Homura know that I would also always remember her! But I wasn't sure if I felt up to saying that to her.


Choice 9

A) “You too, Homura! I'll never forget you! I'll never forget how you saved me yesterday!”

B) Pretend that I didn't hear Homura express jealousy.


Spoiler for Response A:



Spoiler for Response B:



With that, Homura began to walk away from me, in a different direction.

She had left me with a lot to think about. Homura seemed like a very nice and caring person once you get to know her. I could only hope that she alone would be enough to protect my city, as I no longer had any intention of becoming a magical girl, and nor did I want to see Sayaka suffer the same fate as Mami did...

__________________________________________________ _________


The above Chapter is continuing off of the main "Mami Dies" route, and hence ties tightly in with the canon anime narrative.

After this chapter, though, both the "Mami Lives" chapter route and the "Main" Route will split into two sections each.


This results in four basic "chains" overall. Those chains are...

1) Mami Lives, Madoka enters into a romance with Mami

2) Mami Lives, Madoka does not enter into a romance with Mami.

3) Mami Dies, Sayaka becomes a magical girl (i.e. the same as the anime)

4) Mami Dies, Sayaka relies on Homura


There will be some variations within each of these four chains, but I'm pretty sure they can be taken care of by spoiler space sections (different romances will arise in each, but they'll probably start late enough to avoid issues). However, the difference between each of the four chains is so substantive that they will each necessitate their own separate section.

So starting with "Mami Lives Chapter 2" and "Chapter 8", each chapter will be split in half, with each half devoted to a narrative chain.

This may become tricky to follow, so I will soon put up an index in the first post of this thread to keep everything clear. I thank both Kanon and Coldlight for the welcomed advice there.

I'll also keep your feedback on Kyubey in mind, Coldlight.
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Last edited by Triple_R; 2012-02-03 at 23:42.
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Old 2012-02-03, 22:37   Link #60
Sol Falling
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Age: 25
Interesting stuff. One advantage of reading this fic here over playing the VN (though I still plan to do so, of course) is that we'll get to see the whole story play out in one go. Even though I opted into the Mami lives route, this chapter was fascinating too and I plan to keep up with all of them.

I like how you brought in some added depth to the story with Madoka's thoughts in the narration. I remember there were complaints about Madoka not explicitly voicing the possibility of resurrecting Mami in this episode, although I thought Madoka's thoughts on the idea were clearly conveyed through her fear and her guilt, so it was good to see those thoughts fully laid out in this version of the story.

I'm gonna throw out another guess based on all the harem jokes we've been mentioning lately, but could "HS" possibly stand for Homura + Sayaka? lol. I quite like the developments hinted at in result HB.

Choice 9, meanwhile, is extremely interesting. Answering A corresponds with the anime and seems like the clear preferred option for maintaining Madoka's relationship growth with Homura, but that's why it is very intriguing to think about the existence of the other option at all. I look forward to seeing how the effects of that choice might play out later on in the storyline.

Keep it up!
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Summer: Sailor Moon Crystal 30/5 :: Hanayamata 30/5 :: Locodol 80/5 :: Yama no Susume 100/5 :: Momo Kyun Sword 11/5
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