AnimeSuki Forums

Register Forum Rules FAQ Members List Social Groups Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Go Back   AnimeSuki Forum > Anime Discussion > Older Series > Nanoha

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 2012-02-13, 02:55   Link #35821
Crono_Cross
Time traveler.
 
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: northern Idaho
Age: 22
@nanya:
I read the final chapter without reading to whole thing. Although I don't understand what exactly happened(yet) but I have to say that this is a pretty good Fic. Actually when i first saw the title i looked on fanfiction and found it lol.

So I'm going to read all the chapters(yes, i know there's alot..it'll take me four days.) And then give a Score style review. XD

But I'll give you this score for the epilogue: 8/10 for possible continuation and (while some would have sort expected it from the posts i read) very interesting ending.
-----------------------------------
Also i might have the wrong spot to ask this but...what does anyone think of a Nanoha Fic with a character that was cloned using Nanoha, Fate and Hayate's DNA?(device would be also a combination of the three through stolen data). Also there would be a fight in a dimensional Worm hole.

This Idea has been handing in my head and some input would be nice.
__________________
He's got it right i think....
Crono_Cross is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-13, 10:22   Link #35822
Justin_Brett
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Canada, Sault Ste. Marie
Spoiler:
Justin_Brett is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-13, 13:03   Link #35823
Akiyoshi
The Flame Crussader
 
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by Justin_Brett View Post
Spoiler:
Spoiler for suguestion xD:
__________________
May 29 2010-2014

...it won't be forgotten

~The ASFB~
Akiyoshi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-13, 15:06   Link #35824
Justin_Brett
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Canada, Sault Ste. Marie
That story's kind of dumb and silly though, so I probably won't use anything from it.

That and the character in question isn't an AU thing, either.
Justin_Brett is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-13, 16:47   Link #35825
Akiyoshi
The Flame Crussader
 
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by Justin_Brett View Post
That story's kind of dumb and silly though, so I probably won't use anything from it.

That and the character in question isn't an AU thing, either.
I agree with you in the sillyness, AU Nanoha is pretty overpowered but at least the justification is kind of plausible(instead of the Cartridge System, AU Rising Heart is fitted to use freakin Jewel Seeds as a boost powersource), the fights are entertaining and the art is good xD

I was talking more about the concept of a "Dark/Evil Nanoha", AU is just one of the ways to execute that. She can be a time traveller, an Evil clone, a doll made in her image, a robot, an evil twin, a doppleganger spirit, etc...
__________________
May 29 2010-2014

...it won't be forgotten

~The ASFB~
Akiyoshi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-13, 16:59   Link #35826
bhl88
Otaku Apprentice
 
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: The Unseen Horizon
Send a message via MSN to bhl88 Send a message via Yahoo to bhl88
Just like that evil grinning Nanoha in the image thread.... (a special dark piece)
__________________

Dang it Avalon, you c(XD LOL)-block Shirou and Reinforce, but don't protect his mind in other ways? What is wrong, you woman?
Friendship, be made! Magical power, gather! Starlight Breaker.... this world!
bhl88 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-13, 17:24   Link #35827
NorthernFallout
/adjustglasses
*Author
 
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Frosty Scandinavia
Age: 24
Oh hai. I heard dark. And I was in crazy mode. So have my most ultimate Walla-tan short.

I take no responsibility.
Spoiler for The Beast: Censored for your pleasure:
__________________

Steam: ax/apocnuke | PSN: Northern__AX | LET'S ROCK
NorthernFallout is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-13, 22:28   Link #35828
Old_Iron
. . .
*Author
 
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: The Fiery Pit of the Southwest
Age: 28
Send a message via AIM to Old_Iron
Here comes chapter 5, fresh from the forge and beta'd by Kuroi Hadou. Enjoy =3

Also, you may blame him for the creation of the cavity inducing ice cream parlor scene.

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3a
Chapter 3b
Chapter 4

Spoiler for Swords and Shields: Chapter 5:
__________________
The Art of Shipping is as profound as it is dangerous; not for the faint of heart nor the weak of will, it makes gods and devils out of us all.

Last edited by Old_Iron; 2012-02-13 at 22:36. Reason: Cavities
Old_Iron is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-13, 23:33   Link #35829
Akiyoshi
The Flame Crussader
 
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
^ Whoah, quite an amusing chapter xD!

The scene with Rein Zwei was quite funny(Rein-chan's attitude somehow reminds me of Tenma Tsukamoto from School Rumble xD). I also noted the improvement in the management of the characters, Nanoha's words manage to pierce Signum's pride and make her to reflect on her actions, she finally noticed how deep she digged herself and Yuuno into their battlelust as also the consequences on her overall treatement of the people around her(she was rather cocky while discussing with Nanoha).

The bit with Hayate was both funny and interesting, i like how you write Hayate as a quirky woman who knows when to show her more clever side. the scene really depicted that she knows Signum's personality and also knows how to talk to her prideful daughter xD. I agree with Hayate in that for all her strenght and skill Signum seems to be a bit too dense and basic-minded when it comes to relationships and other sensible stuff. A brilliant move from Hayate was placing the idea of knowing more about Yuuno's world into signum's mind xD.

Perhaps it's because you're really good at this kind of stuff but this is one of the few times i enjoyed reading about two adults talking about archeology. Signum and Yuuno's chat was pretty amusing, their reactions kept me hooked.

Overall, the fic is going well, the subtle developement of the two protagonists "relationship" is interesting and this chapter was really satysfing, you're balancing well the flaws and strenghts of the characters so far and make the possibility of a relationship between those two actually plausible ...and this is coming from someone who hardly saw Signum as someone fit for a romantic plot xD.

Gonna wait for Chpater 6, the Digging Trip sounds like an idea with lots of potential xD!
__________________
May 29 2010-2014

...it won't be forgotten

~The ASFB~

Last edited by Akiyoshi; 2012-02-13 at 23:55.
Akiyoshi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-14, 04:48   Link #35830
Mr Coin
Heads or Tails?
 
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Under a pebble
Age: 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by Old_Iron View Post
Here comes chapter 5, fresh from the forge and beta'd by Kuroi Hadou. Enjoy =3

Also, you may blame him for the creation of the cavity inducing ice cream parlor scene.

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3a
Chapter 3b
Chapter 4

Spoiler for Swords and Shields: Chapter 5:
I can see where Zwein gets her personality from... It's rather refreshing for me to see her has a mischievous type. I have always thought of her as a shy and innocent device who would always hide behind Hayate's leg whenever a stranger greets her.

I lol'd bitterly at Signum's guilt on unintentionally turning Yuuno into her personal boy-toy.

I seriously have been thinking this over... Does Yuuno in this story have to be in a maniac syndrome every time he gets excited?


You skipped the maid!Signum scene. Yuuno must not escape cosplay!Hayate's wrath! It's kind of unfair for Signum alone to bear the shame. I have been imagining Signum giving Yuuno a vertical scar on his left eye in one of their previous matches. Cosplay!Hayate gets to punish Yuuno by letting him wear some 300 spartan gear.

Spoiler for Yuuno and Signum's themesong for the next chapter:

Last edited by Mr Coin; 2012-02-14 at 04:58.
Mr Coin is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-14, 06:12   Link #35831
Craxuan
Crax
*Author
 
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: MY
Quote:
Originally Posted by Old_Iron View Post
Here comes chapter 5, fresh from the forge and beta'd by Kuroi Hadou. Enjoy =3

Also, you may blame him for the creation of the cavity inducing ice cream parlor scene.

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3a
Chapter 3b
Chapter 4

Spoiler for Swords and Shields: Chapter 5:
Good chapter aside, a tad bit too short for the anticipation, but that's just me. Considering how I've wolved through three books in three days (Government sponsored book coupons = book buying madness), unless you produced a 8k+ length chapter I probably wouldn't be satisfied lol.
__________________
Craxuan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-15, 00:42   Link #35832
Sunder the Gold
Senior Member
 
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Quote:
Originally Posted by Old_Iron View Post
Here comes chapter 5, fresh from the forge and beta'd by Kuroi Hadou. Enjoy =3
Too wordy. I found it hard to immerse myself in your writing because all of the extra words made it a slow, thick read.

When I attended a small lecture with a professional writer once, the entire lesson was "go back and use fewer words; then, go back and do it again, until you cannot possibly get the essential meaning across with anything less".

A picture may be worth a thousand words, but people only need a few words to construct a whole picture with their imaginations.


Quote:
He'd been kicked in the shins twice already, a fact Zwei found to be most amusing if her snickering was any indication.
The second half of that sentence could be trimmed down to "to Zwei's amusement". Our imaginations easily supply the indications of amusement on our own.

Though if you really want a specific form of amusement in our minds, the phrase "snickering amusement" is perfectly valid.

Though the later sentence "after a third child turned Zwei's snickering into blatant giggles." makes that less necessary.


Quote:
“Yes, yes, let’s all laugh at the ferret's misfortune,” Yuuno stated with some good-natured sarcasm
"stated good-naturedly." We can tell it's sarcasm.

Don't tell your readers the things they can figure out on their own.


Quote:
He noticed they were approaching the front of the line and turned to his pale haired companion, “Do you know what you want?”
Physically describing characters is only necessary when you need to distinguish them from other characters, or when something about the situation makes their appearance particularly relevant to the situation.

There would be no confusion if you simply said "his companion", since Zwei is the only such companion with him, and we are well-aware of what she looks like.

If anything, the most relevant physical trait in this situation is her size or child-like appearance, especially since that's what leads to the cashier confusing them for a father/daughter pair.

Also because any reference to her size lets us know what size she currently is. That's important for a shapeshifting character like Rein, who's just as liable to be a tiny fairy floating above Yuuno's shoulder.


Quote:
"Coming right up, pops."
Pops should be capitalized, for the same reason Mister or Sir would be capitalized. Whenever a word is being used in place of a proper name, you capitalize it like a name.

Also, someone calling Yuuno "Pops" is amusing, though shockingly rude coming from a cashier in a reputable neighborhood on board a goverment owned and operated spacestation.


The scene with Signum is basically a recap of the story thus far, and therefore really cannot afford to suffer from the "too many words" problem. I confess I skipped over it to read the rest first, since everything else would be new.

But I also have to wonder why we need a recap at all.


Quote:
A heat began to rise within her, only to be brutally washed away by the chilling reminder of Takamachi's accusation of using Scrya as a... toy.
To continue the "sex" analogy, I suppose she HAS been approaching this whole situation like wild, hedonous affair. The sort of thing that's really fun for a while but which dies an ugly death because temporary passion was the only foundation.

Even to the point of throwing out and spurning an earlier "lover". That is, Fate.

Of course, fighting ISN'T sex, so there are differences. Things would have been fine after her second fight with Yuuno if Signum had moderated herself before meeting Fate. She let herself get out of control.

The silver-lining being that taking Fate by surprise and really pushing her limits showed Signum that Fate had fallen into a rutt. Though this initially started off as a bad situation getting worse, as it soured Signum's disappointed further and prompted her to harsher behavior than she might have otherwise employed.


Quote:
The image of tossing Scrya aside the moment he was unable to stoke the flames of her battle lust was... uncomfortable. It left a harsh feeling in the center of her breast. Signum attempted to conjure up images of other warriors taking his place, but no matter how vicious the battle, no matter how violent the exchanges… none of them reached the same level her deadly dances with Scrya had. It mattered not how powerful nor how driven her theoretical foes were. None came close.
She's imagining fighting new, imaginary people and cannot imagine them exciting her like Yuuno? That sounds like a poor imagination rather than a logical argument.

If you're talking about her fighting certain people she already knows, the language (such as the word "theoretical") doesn't get that intent across to me.


Quote:
Failure would ultimately... shatter him.
This seems to deny Yuuno's own competence or his agency as a free-willed, adult human being. Depending on the meaning.

If she's worried about corrupting him, that would be an insult to his ability to make his own choices.

As to risking his life and limb... well, I suppose that's a valid concern. If Signum could consistently beat him when he fought defensively with a tried-and-true technique, he's more at risk fighting her offensively with an unfamiliar style. And her sword is more deadly than his shields.

Not to mention her whole inhumanly-tough, "I'm a magical contruct" biology.

Still, should she be worried about killing him as an inevitability or merely a risk that grows too possible if she doesn't start controlling herself?

Thinking about it, I suppose she doesn't actually need to lose herself in the fight in order to provide Yuuno the kind of punishment he needs for "trial by fire" development.


Quote:
"Go on," the brunette prompted with a flat expression. Whatever 'truths' her Knight believed she had found in the wake of her battle with Fate were sure to be interesting, to say the least; particularly if she had not revealed them until forced to.
I've been told it's a good idea to avoid switching the shoulder you tell the story over, even when writing in third person. If you want to shift perspective, you shoud shift it entirely, and use a page break as a warning, as though you were moving to a new scene.

As an example of keeping Signum's perspective and cutting down the word-count:

"Go on," the brunette prompted. Her flat expression made it clear that Signum had better make a good case regarding these 'truths'.


Though, perhaps shifting to Hayate's perspective would be best for the scene. I recommend doing so AFTER Signum has the "definitely the maid costume" thought to her self.

Because most of the rest of the scene examines Hayate's thoughts more than Signum's. Signum's thoughts are either already known to use or made abundantly clear by her reactions, whereas Hayate's would be harder to read from the outside.


Signum didn't ask Yuuno to step into her world; indeed, when he asked for her help in developing his new style, he was asking for an invitation into her world.

I'm not seeing why Signum or Hayate would see the need for Signum to step into Yuuno's world, even as an apology. Especially since if she owes anyone an apology, it's Fate.

This doesn't make sense unless Signum wants to develop a romantic relationship with Yuuno (or if Hayate wants her to), since this extends well outside of their shared common ground.

Last edited by Sunder the Gold; 2012-02-15 at 02:35.
Sunder the Gold is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-15, 01:08   Link #35833
Akiyoshi
The Flame Crussader
 
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunder the Gold View Post
The scene with Signum is basically a recap of the story thus far, and therefore really cannot afford to suffer from the "too many words" problem. I confess I skipped over it to read the rest first, since everything else would be new.

But I also have to wonder why we need a recap at all.
You're prohbably right from a neat-writting standpoint but i don't feel the scene was excessive. It helped to see Signum having internal reflections about what Nanoha talked with her as also her recent demeanor since she started to spar with Yuuno. At least it helped me wonders into internalizing into Signum's toughts and understand more her conflict as also getting into the dynamic of the story(Ch. 4 was interesting but it left me a bit confused xD).

I also have disagreements with some other commentaries you made but those are more matter of personal preference so i'll keep my toughts on those. You also made good points on several issues, tough xD
__________________
May 29 2010-2014

...it won't be forgotten

~The ASFB~
Akiyoshi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-15, 02:33   Link #35834
Sunder the Gold
Senior Member
 
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
I'm not saying that the entire "Signum thinking" scene is pointless, but that it doesn't need to repeat as much detail about events we've already read.
Sunder the Gold is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-15, 03:04   Link #35835
Craxuan
Crax
*Author
 
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: MY
What Yuuno needed wasn't an apology but understanding.
__________________
Craxuan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-15, 03:15   Link #35836
Akiyoshi
The Flame Crussader
 
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
I agree with Sunder in that's Fate the one who deserves an apologize from Signum. Even if she made good points about her worries on Fate's performance she still was a wee bit too mean on her xDU
__________________
May 29 2010-2014

...it won't be forgotten

~The ASFB~
Akiyoshi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-15, 13:04   Link #35837
Sunder the Gold
Senior Member
 
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Quote:
Originally Posted by Craxuan View Post
What Yuuno needed wasn't an apology but understanding.
Why? Signum doesn't need to understand where he comes from unless she wants more than fighting from him.

She doesn't. All she wants from him is a good fight; what she gives in return is help in developing his new style.

Fighting was already their common ground, given that Yuuno is a mage training to keep up his combat skills as well as an archaeologist. Yuuno is the one who stepped beyond that common ground to explore Signum's love of battle for battle's own sake.

Signum's problem was getting drunk on the experience and losing control. She's resolved to moderate herself now, but all she needs to do for that is temper her enthusiasm. She doesn't need to go exploring a field she has no interest in, alone with an unmarried man.

The abused party was Fate; Yuuno had absolutely no complaints about how punishing or deadly their three fights were, before and after Fate's defeat.

In fact, Yuuno's one complaint about this whole business WAS how Signum behaved towards Fate. Signum apologizing and making up with Fate, and not making the same mistake again, ought to be all he wants to ask for.


What makes more sense as a reason for Signum to follow Yuuno on an expedition is if he thinks he's found a clue to the Wolkenritter's (or just Signum's) pre-Book past, and wants to repay her for her help so far by giving something back.
Sunder the Gold is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-15, 17:35   Link #35838
Akiyoshi
The Flame Crussader
 
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Maybe you're thinking too hard Sunder.

While it's true that Signum's main motivation is having a good battle the story also has implied some kind of interest from her on learning more about Yuuno's own passion, probably in hopes to understand him better as a person instead of only as a warrior. Nanoha's words managed to make Signum stop in her tracks and reflect on things and found herself worried to do genuine harm to Yuuno, probably she's understimating him but before that sparring on the night they barely knew each other past professional stuff so it's plausible for Signum to misjudge on Yuuno's capabilities and behavior. As Hayate mentally pointed, the Blazing General is kind of a foolish woman when it comes to stuff like this.

It's a bit too convenient that Yuuno just happens to have an oncoming trip to an excavation site but i think that it works just ok for the plot's intentions cause is the best of the chances to see Yuuno developing into his own element(in Signum's words xD). She stopped just caring for battles, she's now worried for his well-being as a person and that's probably the breaking point where she will start developing interest in him past the battlefield.
__________________
May 29 2010-2014

...it won't be forgotten

~The ASFB~
Akiyoshi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-15, 18:57   Link #35839
nemo1986
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
In other words Signum wants to be actual friends with Yuuno versus just sparing partners. Plus understand how he ticks.
nemo1986 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-16, 21:48   Link #35840
Filraen
Big Damn Lurker
 
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
As this topic is idle I hope I'm not upsetting anybody with this question about Nanoha fanfiction in general. It's about certain behavior of Nanoha's which appears in a surprisingly big amount of fics and I'm stumped to find in my memories canon confirmation.

Spoiler for Can of worms?:
Filraen is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
authorshipping, befriending, fanfiction, interactive fanfiction, nanoha

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 21:20.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.6
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
We use Silk.