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Old 2012-02-17, 06:00   Link #101
night_sentinel
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Join Date: Apr 2009
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Hmm so many posts yey more reading material, I'm quite intrigued by the discussion about Homura's character and the different position taken by Sol_falling and Triple_R. It would have been nice to see more about the discussion that occurred on the pm but I suppose it would derail the thread.

Anyway, on to the story...

Canon Route Chain
Spoiler for Canon Route Chain:


Homura/Sayaka Alliance Chain

Spoiler for Homura/Sayaka Alliance Chain:
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Old 2012-02-17, 11:22   Link #102
Kogetsu Shirogane
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Quote:
Originally Posted by night_sentinel View Post
Canon Route Chain
Spoiler for Canon Route Chain:
Spoiler for Canon Route:


Quote:
Originally Posted by night_sentinel View Post
Homura/Sayaka Alliance Chain
Spoiler for Homura/Sayaka Alliance Chain:
Spoiler for Alliance Route:
__________________
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... well at least it's consistent...
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Old 2012-02-17, 19:18   Link #103
Triple_R
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Mami Lives Chapter 4
Mami Romance Chain

“I'm going to become a magical girl!”


This declaration by Sayaka initially took Mami and I by surprise. But only for a moment.

“Sayaka...” Mami began in reply to the declaration, “I can certainly understand you wanting to wish Hitomi back to life, but...”

Wish Hitomi back to life...” Sayaka said under her breath, while I could see nervous beads of sweat form upon her forehead, “... I'm a bit ashamed to admit that such an option hadn't occurred to me until you mentioned it just then, Mami.”

“Oh?” Mami asked, taken aback by this, “What wish did you have in mind then?"

“Actually, it's the same wish I've been considering for a few days now.” Sayaka answered, “It's just that Hitomi's death has made me realize that this city also needs another magical girl protector.”

“No, this is all my fault.” Mami said, in a tone of depression “If I hadn't been neglectful in my magical girl duties...”

... I think I knew what Mami meant by this. And I didn't like it. I didn't like it at all.

“Mami, what do you mean by that?” I asked, in a hurt tone of voice.

“Madoka, I'm...” Mami began in uneasy reply, with deeply conflicted feelings coming to the fore, “... As much as I truly loved the time we spent together yesterday, it is nonetheless true that if I was properly carrying out my magical girl duties your friend might still be alive.”


If you chose A for M Opportunity Choice 2, read section “MOCA Lingering Effects”. Otherwise, read section “Mami has Second Thoughts About the Romance”.


Spoiler for MOCA Lingering Effects:



Spoiler for Mami has Second Thoughts About the Romance:



“No.” Sayaka quickly interjected, “That's not fair to you and Madoka! It's not fair that you'd have to give up on what your heart desires simply to defend this city. And that's why I should become a magical girl! If I become a magical girl to pick up some of the slack for you, then you can afford to have more of a normal life, Mami. And Madoka... Madoka won't have to have her heart broken, which I would hate to have to see.”

The mood in the room was already tense, but Sayaka's words here made them even more tense. While I could tell that Sayaka felt strong in her convictions, I could also tell that Mami and myself were feeling deeply conflicted over the current situation.

When I thought of losing Mami the day after our very first date, it made me so unbearably sad.

But then, if Sayaka became a magical girl for my sake, and was to meet with a horrific end due to it, I don't know if I could live with myself...

Into this tense atmosphere, came a voice which had such a contrasting enthusiasm to it that it was hard not feel the nasty clash of moods.

“I agree with Sayaka Miki!” stated Kyubey, who had arrived in our classroom after following behind Mami, “But it sounds like Sayaka now has two wishes she would like to make, and I can only grant one per contract...”

“That's right.” I said under my breath, before addressing Sayaka, “I know that your wish is to heal the hand of Kamijo, so that he can live out his dream of being a great violinist. But now there is also the matter of giving Hitomi a second chance at life as well!”

Sayaka's face than looked unsteady, as indecision began to take hold of her. That hold would soon be broken, however.

“Second chances often come at an overwhelming cost.” came the cool, crisp voice of Akemi Homura, as she walked into class, before she made a piercing gaze towards Mami, “I hope that my choice to give you a second chance, Mami Tomoe, won't come at an overwhelming cost to me.”

Homura's cold words made me instinctively take hold of Mami's right hand with my left hand, in order to comfort her given the harsh words that Homura may say to her.

“...What do you mean?” Mami asked Homura.

“If you had died in battle against the witch that I saved you from, the sight of that likely would have driven out any desire these two girls would have for becoming magical girls.” Homura began in answer, “These two girls should not become magical girls. There is simply not enough Grief Seeds to go around.”

“Is that all you care about right now?!” Sayaka questioned Homura angrily, “Besides, we wouldn't even be having this conversation right now if you had been there to save Hitomi. Where were you yesterday?"

Sayaka and Homura glared menacingly at each other given their recent words.

“What you want to know is something that I want to talk to Mami Tomoe about privately.” Homura replied, “What she does with that information is up to her.”

“Why can't you tell all of us?” I asked Homura.

But Homura allowed that question to go unanswered.

“As she has made clear, Akemi Homura refuses to trust you.” Kyubey interjected, “So you have no reason to trust her. Sayaka Miki, once you choose a wish I...”

“I will say this one last time.” Akemi Homura said, interrupting Kyubey as she strode over to Sayaka, nearly touching her nose to nose.

Sayaka inched away from Homura ever so slightly in response to this movement, but I could tell that Sayaka didn't want to appear weak in the face of Homura's firmness.

“Don't become a magical girl.” Homura said to Sayaka, as the two made steely eye contact, “I can assure you that you will regret such a choice. Your wish may bring happiness to one, but it will bring much sadness to several others once the full price of that wish is extracted.”

Homura then turned her head sideways, to address me.

“The same goes for you as well, Kaname Madoka.” Homura said to me, “I... sympathize with your sad loss of a close friend, but loss is an inescapable part of life. Trying to break free of those bonds will only bring greater tragedy with it.”

Homura then slowly walked away, leaving the classroom. Mami looked very sad and dejected. Sayaka was trembling in a mixture of anger, fear, and uncertainty.

“She may have saved all of our lives once, but still...” Sayaka stated in a low tone, as I could sense a desire to vent rage swelling up inside of her.

“The fact she saved our lives means that she has our best intentions at heart, though.” I said to Sayaka, “I don't think that Homura wishes us ill.”

“Still...” said Mami, as she started to surprise me by sounding a disagreeing note, “If you and Sayaka were both to become magical girls, the potential for good is immense. Sayaka could wish to heal the hand of the musical prodigy that was mentioned. You could wish for your friend to be brought back to life. With all three of us as magical girls, each of us could afford a semblance of normal life. And then, Madoka... then...”

I could sense Mami taking hold of my shoulders, and staring lovingly into my eyes. I winced at the thought of not supporting Mami's deepest desires here. But Homura's words had also cut deep into me.

“But would there be enough Grief Seeds to go around?” I asked, “I know it seems like a selfish question, but each magical girl needs them, right? Would greater tragedy arise from us wishing to help others?”

“I understand your concern, Madoka” Mami said in such a soothing voice as she patted my head, and held me close to her, “Whatever you and Sayaka decide, I'll be fine with. If you both decide to not become magical girls, I'll do my best to preserve our romantic bond, and my friendship with both you and Sayaka... but I'm not sure that I can make any promises there. If you both decide to become magical girls, then I'll definitely be fine with that as well. In any event, though, you must choose soon. Especially as far as Hitomi Shizuki is concerned. Raising the dead is sure to draw ever-increasing attention the longer the dead has been departed. If a wish to bring Hitomi back to life is made today, then explaining it to the wider world without them learning of the world of magical girls or wishes should be easy. But if we wait too long...”

“Mami is right.” Sayaka said, “We need to choose now. After hearing all sides of the discussion, I can't say that I'm entirely certain of what I should do, although I certainly do now want to become a magical girl. Still, I've always had great respect for your opinion on difficult issues like this one, Madoka. So I want to hear what you think we should do.”


Choice M2:

A) “I find Homura's words very persuasive. I think that neither of us should become magical girls, Sayaka.”

B) “I no longer feel up to becoming a magical girl, but perhaps it would be best if you became one, Sayaka. I think that you're stronger than I am here.”

C) “I find Mami's words very persuasive. I think that both of us should become magical girls!”

If you choose A, read Section M2A and disregard the rest of the Chapter. If you chose C, read Section M2C, and disregard the rest of the Chapter. If you chose B, skip over both of those sections and read the rest of the Chapter.

For Section M2A, listen to the music here, in order to get more of that full VN Effect.

For Section M2C, listen to the music here.


Spoiler for Section M2A:



Spoiler for Section M2C:



“I understand and respect your decision, Madoka...” Sayaka began in reply to it, “But it does make it more difficult for me to know what I should wish for if I go ahead and become a magical girl. Will you hold it against me if I wish for Kamijo's sake rather than Hitomi's?”

I hated the thought of Hitomi's life being cut off at such a young age when one wish could save her, especially with that wish being used to merely heal a young man's hand instead. But at the same time, I had to respect the deep and abiding love that Sayaka felt for Kamijo. Her decision was not an easy one now, and so I didn't want to hold her choice against her.

“No, Sayaka, I won't hold your choice against you.” I told her, “Whatever you decide, I'll be Ok with it.”

“I'm glad to hear that.” Sayaka said, forcing a slight smile.

“But with that being said, Sayaka.” Mami interjected, “If you do wish for the benefit of Kamijo, I would encourage you to make that wish in his presence, with him fully aware of how it is you that has healed his hand.”

“Is it really Ok for Kyousuke to learn about the world of magical girls and witches?” Sayaka asked in reply.

“Well, some normal humans are able to cope with such knowledge.” Mami explained, “After all, Madoka and yourself have both coped well with it, and Madoka intends to remain a normal human.”

“Still...” Sayaka said, clenching one hand into a fist as I think she felt very uneasy over Mami's suggestion here.


Choice M3

A) “I'm sorry, Mami, but I don't think that Sayaka should reveal that to Kamijo. I've known Kamijo for awhile, and I'm not sure if he could cope with this sort of knowledge.”

B) “I agree with Mami!” I shout to Sayaka, “If you do choose to make a wish for Kamijo, you should make that wish in front of him so that he'll know that it's you that he has to thank for being healed!”


Spoiler for Response M3A:



Spoiler for Response M3B:



With that, the three of us, along with Kyubey, left the school for the day.

Later that day Sayaka would indeed make a wish to heal Kyosuke's hand!

After doing that, she sprinted over to a restaurant that Mami and I were enjoying a late evening snack at. Sayaka showed off her new magical girl outfit to Mami and I! I have to admit that it was very dashing, and pretty!

I think I had seen Sayaka's magical girl outfit somewhere before, but I couldn't quite place where... Well, my mind had been so rocked by all of the emotional roller coaster rides of the past few days that it probably made sense that I couldn't remember where I had seen it before.


Sayaka proudly proclaimed to Mami and I that she'd take up patrolling the city for witches and familiars over the weekend so that Mami and I should take this time to further enjoy one another's company. Mami said she'd prefer to accompany Sayaka on Sayaka's first fight with a witch or familiar as a magical girl, and also that she wanted to give me some time to recover from this week's events before the two of us moved forward in our relationship.

Sayaka saw the wisdom in that, and so agreed to it.


But come Monday morning, the day after Hitomi's funeral, Mami would approach me with a new idea...


__________________________________________________ _________


Mami Friendship Chain


Sayaka and I had agreed to meet up with Mami noontime Saturday, in order to come to a final decision on Kyubey's desire for Sayaka and I to contract with him as magical girls. This meeting would take place at a bench near the very middle of Mitakihara Town's main park.


If you chose B for S Opportunity Choice 1, then now read Section MadoSaya Begins. Otherwise, skip over it.

If you chose A for S Opportunity Choice 1, then now read Section Healing Hurts. Otherwise, skip over it.


Spoiler for MadoSaya Begins:



Spoiler for Healing Hurts:



Mami was the last of the three of us to arrive at the noontime Saturday meeting place. With a cheerful smile on her face, and Kyubey perched upon her shoulder, she shouted out “Hello!” while waving towards Sayaka and I.

Sayaka and I greeted her in turn.

“It's a bit cloudy today.” Mami said, “But at least the sun's light is still shining through it in order to give the upper atmosphere a golden hue. Now then, have you both made final choices on whether or not to become magical girls, or do you want to talk over it first?"

“With apologies to Kyubey, I've decided to not become a magical girl.” I said to Mami, “There's simply no wish I have that I think is worth risking my life over. Besides, I think that I can still help you even as a normal girl!”

“Yes, I'm sure that you can.” Mami replied to me with a warm smile, “And what about you, Sayaka? What's your decision?”


If you chose B for S Opportunity Choice 1, then now read Section Sayaka Stays a Normal Girl. Otherwise, read Section Sayaka Aims for Kamijo!


Spoiler for Sayaka Stays a Normal Girl:



Spoiler for Sayaka Aims for Kamijo!:



With it now very late, I finally went to sleep, after a short chat with my mama and papa. I was looking forward to a Sunday that hopefully would be free of anything having to do with magical girls or witches.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------


night_sentinel, due to a specific constructive criticism you've made, I've now edited "15 minutes" to be "40 Minutes" for a certain section in Chapter 9. Major edits can be difficult for me, but I'm always up for good, small ones that my readers suggest.

Lots of thanks to you, Sol, and Kogetsu for your ongoing feedback. Admittedly, maybe capturing Homura's voice is hard for me. I wanted to make her seem cool, and a bit cold, but not overly repetitive of what we already hear her say in the anime itself. Perhaps doing all of that made her seem a bit off in Chapter 9. I might slightly edit that later, as such.

Hope everybody enjoys Mami Lives Chapter 4 at least! Any and all feedback on that is quite welcomed. ^_^
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Last edited by Triple_R; 2012-02-17 at 23:32. Reason: Reply to night_sentinel
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Old 2012-02-17, 22:32   Link #104
Kogetsu Shirogane
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... Okay, it's getting confusing for me to remember branches as "Mami Lives - Mami Friendship - Sayaka Romance," so I'm just going to start nicknaming these things. Hopefully in a manner that makes things funny.

So, first up is Mami Romance... since Mami Lives seems to be the "sweeter" of the two sides of this, I think I'm going to be calling this one...
Spoiler for Delicious M&M:


As for the Sayaka Romance, to continue the candy theme, it will be... um...
Spoiler for Scrumptious Skittles:


And for the one that this last portion presumably leads into... I guess I could go with... er...
Spoiler for Tasty Dark Chocolate?:
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... well at least it's consistent...
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Old 2012-02-18, 02:40   Link #105
Dr. Casey
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Oh boy... I'm pretty far behind, aren't I? It's been almost a month since I last posted. Starting with Chapter 6 then (Skipping over Chapter 5 for my commentary because it never occured to me to write down the things I want to comment on until Chapter 6)... Mami's eloquent dressing down of Homura in Opportunity Choice 3B was very cool and well-written, and I think it's very refreshing somehow to watch an alternate timeline where everyone makes better choices than during the series proper. Kind of reminds me of Higurashi and how empowering it felt to see everyone overcome their past mistakes during the final two story arcs. Makes me hopeful that it's possible to earn an ending that lacks the tragic elements of the original bittersweet ending (Which was a great ending, but I'd still appreciate being able to get a purely happy one).

I very much enjoyed Mami's battle against Charlotte. It was exciting (Which is a bit rare for me since writing has to be one of the most difficult mediums to craft a good battle with), and Madoka's awestruck description of the fight was sweet. Describing Mami's death as akin to someone being hung made for nice imagery - I always knew that scene reminded me of something, but I wasn't able to put my finger on exactly what - though sadly I did indeed leave Mami to that fate because I'm a bad puella magi and didn't get enough Affection Points with her. ;_; Thankfully, I did get high enough Affection with her to choose Opportunity Choice 4A, so at least we can all unite in the absence of our poor, lost Mami. Chapter 6 is where the complexity of the story's branching paths started to disorient me a bit, though it's not nearly as overwhelming as later on.

The story gets ever more interesting with Mami Lives Chapter 1, since completely original material probably overshadows the more familiar canon routes for me. Sadly none of this is applicable for me since Mami is dead, but the beginnings of the Mami route make for a nice read. Madoka's a nice kisser, huh? (I know, I'm terrible... I'm about 55-65 years old whenever Madoka is born... I've just always found her the most attractive character somehow.) And I laughed at Kyubey's "That's up to them!" Overly eager much? And man, C1C was intense. I'm guessing these three are too mature and levelheaded to have things degenerate into a bitter clusterfuck of a love triangle (Not that I'd mind that - I am a School Days fan, after all) though I hope the drama hasn't completely been defused because I like drama.

I was curious to see the sort of impact that Mami's death would have on Madoka's writing style, and it's interesting that she is indeed deflated and less exclamatory. I'm guessing that she'll become progressively more somber as the story goes along; in particular, I can't see the Madoka of episode 11 (Before being revitalized from her idea to contract with Kyubey, anyway) using any exclamation points. This story's a nice refresher course on the anime's narrative, which I do need to watch again soon. The fact that Madoka's parents presumably don't inquire into Madoka's mini-breakdown is consistent in a way with the 'letting Madoka run out into an extremely severe thunderstorm' thing from episode 11, interestingly enough. The fact that her parents don't probe too deeply into Madoka's statement that she's lucky to be alive (Something that could have countless grave implications) shows that her parents give her a lot of space. I chose HB and 9A, so now we have a nice alliance between the three of us, and I'm continuing my almost perfect streak with Homura.

Kyubey continues to be hilariously unsubtle in Mami Lives 2. "He could be out today if Sayaka wishes for it!" Kyubey's so vague with his hints, I wonder if Madoka and Sayaka have picked up on the fact that he wants them to become magical girls yet? Mami's backstory with the first girl she developed feelings for was really interesting, and is sadly characteristic of the sort of experiences that many non-straight people have growing up (Like a friend I made last semester at school that was bullied growing up for being gay). Here's to hoping that society won't actually still be that dumb come the 2050s-2060s. The chapter was full of good humor, too. "Is there anything else you'd like him to sacrifice to you, Madoka?" Oh, Sayaka. The Urobuchi candy bar joke was awesome, too. Interesting that they always leave Madoka feeling energized. Maybe she secretly has a dark, sadistic side. And I went for Choice 10B, naturally. Ah, Madoka... NTRing Sayaka, leading Homura on, and in the end you might go for Kyoko anyway. I bet Kyubey loves all this negative energy you're giving to him, you little heartbreaker.

I loved Opportunity Choice 5, definitely one of my favorite parts of this story so far. The idea of Madoka being invited to a rave party is interesting, I doubt that someone as pure and innocent at Madoka would feel comfortable at such a place. (Sayaka would probably enjoy herself, though, and I'm sure Kyoko would rule the dance floor so much that she'd be invited to every single rave party in Mitakihara from then on.) The idea you mentioned of an angry, bitter, vindictive Madoka sounds sexy interesting, though honestly I have trouble picturing her reaching that sort of state; what you said that one time is true, Madoka has a less than normal amount of malice in her heart. I'd still enjoy that sort of transformation, though, and if nothing else it could be featured in an Opportunity Choice somewhere down the road. I don't think anyone's immune to breaking down into a bitter, angry person; some just take longer to poison in that way.

Madoka falling asleep on Mami's lap was cute. ^^ I really like reading about them, their relationship's very tender and romantic. Were I going down this route, I think I'd have gone for MOCA. MOCB is certainly more in-character, I think - I find it very hard to imagine the super innocent Madoka of Timeline 5 agreeing to Mami's offer so readily (Though I could picture the more confident Madoka of Timeline 1 doing so) - but MOCA's the more interesting choice. Too bad Junko probably thinks her daughter's a whore now. "Man, Madoka, not even I was ever that fast... you really are a slut, aren't you?" That's okay though, I like sluts. I wonder if MOCB lowers your score with Mami any; I'm sure that Mami isn't offended (Just like she promised she wouldn't be), but I guess there's an outside chance she's hurt at being rebuffed.

"That girl sure loves her secrets, doesn't she?" Haha. I love Sayaka's gruff aggravation with Homura. I think it would be interesting to see Sayaka with Mami's hairstyle in the Visual Novel, perhaps even adopting a new character model if she does model her hair in that fashion later on. I really enjoyed the flashback to the first meeting of Madoka and Sayaka. It's very true to life the way that little kids try to strike up 'relationships' so quickly sometimes (The courting process becomes a lot more complicated later on), and it's touching the way that Sayaka never really forgot the way she felt when Madoka asked to be her girlfriend. That really does seem like the sort of thing that would stick with you. And I have to admit that come Choice 11, I had no idea what I was supposed to be thanking Homura for because I'd lost my point in the story. It's getting hard to untangle this story's twenty billion branching paths. Ah well, I like it this way.

Quote:
“Man, I haven't felt this great in ages.” she sexclaimed to me, “It's exhilarating!”
... Sexclaimed? >_> I'm scared to ask what that means... poor Madoka, at least Mami gave her a choice...

It came as a major surprise to me to see alternate perspectives introduced in the Homura/Sayaka alliance path. It's great to see so much interaction between the two considering how scant their interactions were in the anime, and jumping between different viewpoints is a really cool twist on what I thought would be a purely Madokacentric story. Wonder if we'll ever see things written from the perspective of Mami or Kyoko. Oh, and "That's... *teleports* ... easier said than done." was badass. Homura <3

And I actually like Emperor Jinnai quite a lot. He's charismatic, sounds like he has an interesting past, and I'm curious as to his relationship to the Incubators. Do you have a backstory mapped out for him yet, or are you just going to wing it and make things up as you go along? Whatever the case, it will be interesting to see a purely antagonistic figure in Madoka, and there's a lot of potential for a fascinating backstory to be mined here. Since it's only been 'decades' since he's seen Earth, he's probably much younger than any of us (I'm guessing he's born around the 2000s to the 2020s)... poor kid, sounds like he has a rough future ahead of him. :[

... and now I see that you posted a new update while I was writing this. I'm getting braindead, so I'll save this newest addition for later. This continues to be a very nice story though, I think I'll start posting every Friday or two to review this.
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Old 2012-02-18, 02:57   Link #106
Kirito
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Post

The read was definitely worth the wait hats off to you as always "Thumbs up". I literally spent over 25-35 minutes going over all of the scenarios and how each of the characters interacted, reacted, and gave insight of their feelings regarding their own agendas and other choices that could affect not only their lives, but of those around them. You've done a really phenomenal job of doing that.

Part One:

Current Mami x Madoka Route Scenario:

I enjoyed the way you've transitioned the parts of a happy loving couple who love each other deeply to how their relationship could be possibly threatened. In this scenario Madoka is tore between her keeping the promise she with Homura about not becoming a magical girl and staying in a deep loving relationship with Mami. I liked how you captured how Mami is a magical girl who's forced to bear the world on her shoulders and takes her failures (ie. saving Hitomi) pretty hard and responsibilities seriously.Madoka is someone who has to sit on the sidelines praying for the safety of her friends and girlfriend, unless she makes a decision that could end up hurting her friends, the person she made a promise with, and the person she loves. It showed how their relationship progressed over a short period of time and how realistic it feels when we face insecurities regarding the safety and the responsibilities of ours friends and loved ones.

Spoiler for Prime Example:


As for Sayaka she's definitely torn between keeping things the same between her and Kamijou or take a risk and give him the happiness he could obtain again. Sayaka's characters strikes me as someone who can't handle heavy burdens or risks pretty well, but despite those flaws she can be strong minded girl as what she has shown in the series.

Spoiler for Prime Example:


Ending Critics:

First Ending:

Spoiler for Verdict:


Second Ending:

Spoiler for Verdict:


I can't wait to see what Mami's idea for Sayaka is. I hope it's going to be something good.

Part Two:

Current Madoka x Sayaka's Route Scenario:

I really like the pace of their current romantic relationship (Sayaka is my second favourite heroine in the series).

Spoiler for Madoka and Sayaka's New Relationship:


Part Three:

Homura and Madoka Affection Act:

Spoiler for Affection Choices:


Spoiler for Pros:


Spoiler for Cons:


Phenomenal work as always and keep going at your own pace. I'll be waiting!!
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Old 2012-02-18, 08:30   Link #107
Sol Falling
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Great work on yet another chapter. Wow, the extent of all of these different possibilities and the endings they lead to is really fascinating.

On the Mami romance route, I see that there is only one route which will lead to continuing developments in the story: Sayaka becoming a magical girl. The cases where both Madoka and Sayaka either reject becoming magical girls or decide to do so together are interesting in being bittersweet, with the losses of one or the other of the characters, yet in the end still leading to some degree of happiness. I have to admit, the new development where mahou shoujo are able to cleanse their Soul Gems by making love to each other seemed like an amazingly convenient solution to the story, but it is still such an amusing and fun addition to the story that it wasn't bad at all. I did feel particularly sad for Kyouko, somewhat, in how Sayaka rejected her advances and chose to die as a hero.

The route where Madoka pushes Sayaka alone to become a mahou shoujo is pretty suspenseful. Although Hitomi isn't there to threaten Sayaka's romance with Kyousuke in this one, I can't help but wonder whether Sayaka hasn't still rushed towards her doom. The new "idea" by Mami is pretty interesting in that effect; I wonder what it is, and whether it'll really be enough to reach a happy ending.

Also, at the same time, the alienating effect of Madoka alone staying back and not becoming a mahou shoujo might end up distancing her in her relationship with Mami. Beyond that, I've also noticed a certain lack of Homura in this route where Madoka's already committed herself to a romance with Mami. I imagine there's good reason for that--Homura saved Mami, only to somehow have enabled a romantic relationship between her and Madoka--there's a certain fairly strong element of NTR there, lol. I am curious as to how Homura will come back into things on that side of the story.


Now as to the Mami-Friendship side of the developments. Haha, I have to agree with some other posters that the shy/awkward MadoSaya romantic scenes are extremely cute. However, at the present moment, the immediate threats or conflict do seem to be somewhat subdued. You mentioned that this would've been your personally preferred route as well, so I wonder what you have in mind.

With regards to the issues you've brought up about whom to inform about Madoka and Sayaka's relationship. Kogetsu Shirogane did make a good point about how it feels like we've lead Mami on. Having disappointed Mami's romantic hopes, I do wonder whether there'd be any smooth or tactful way to inform her that Madoka's instead formed a romantic relationship with Sayaka.

(Also, as far as Hitomi's "forbidden love" comments go--I do wonder whether Hitomi's exaggerated reactions to this kind of stuff haven't hidden a buried attraction to yuri herself (lol). As one tentative step towards the polyamourous possibilities of this story, given that Madoka and Sayaka are both still normal girls, I wonder if Madoka and Sayaka's sympathy to Hitomi's jealousy over their relationship might not be able to rope Hitomi into it :P. Given Madoka's timid personality (at least in this timeline), we may need to start small somewhere if she is ever to become a glorious Harem Queen.)

As for the last possibility of this chapter, where Madoka's friendzoned both Mami and Sayaka but now has a chance with Homura--I have to admit, that this route was very tempting. Unfortunately though, I wouldn't have had enough Homuhomu affection points to have obtained that choice anyway so it's just as well that I stuck with my natural decision to get involved with Sayaka. Still though, I'm quite eager to see the future developments there.

As for the chain where Madoka friendzoned Mami and Sayaka and didn't have enough affection points to open the route with Homura, she's now currently looking very lonely. I can't help wondering whether that'll lead to Bad End for Madoka there. Good stuff though. I'm also curious where you'll lead that route of the story.

Pretty massive chapter full of fascinating possibilities this time. Good work. Thanks for all your updates thus far, and do keep it up.
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Old 2012-02-18, 08:47   Link #108
Coldlight
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Mami Lives, Chapter 4: Mami Friendship Chain
Spoiler for Sayaka Route:

And wow, those were some impressively long replies you already have there, so I kept mine relatively short.
Good work once again.
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Old 2012-02-18, 14:44   Link #109
Triple_R
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Wow, so many great and thankfully detailed replies! Well, I intend to get to all of them in this post. To cut down on space, though, I'm going to take a page out of my own fanfic and put each individual reply inside of its own spoiler space, lol.

First though, I have an Important Announcement to make!

I'm pretty sure I have found an artist for the VN version of this!

You can locate her here. Here is the piece of Madoka Magica artwork she's done that drew my attention. My view on that piece of artwork is that it's 90 to 95% on-model, but making the main cast look slightly more feminine across the board. In other words, perfect for the purposes of a VN.

Anyway, I'd encourage every reader of my fanfic that wants to see this become a VN to drop this deviantArtist a Note of support and thanks.


Now, as for the fanfic alone, at this juncture, I'm pretty confident I'll have it completed by mid-April at the latest, possibly sooner. That's just to give my readers a general sense of the time-frame here.


Finally, reader feedback on my OC Antagonist and Sayaka/Homura narration has been heard loud and clear. As such, I'm making certain alterations to the Mami Lives chains, and you'll likely see a bit more Sayaka narration (and possibly Homura narration) in the future.

However, there was one particular Special End Scenario that will be lost due to my planned changes. That End Scenario will be given out as a sort of "Bonus Extra" in a "Deleted Scenes" write-up I do once the fanfic is completed.


Anyway, unto specific individual replies.


Spoiler for Kogetsu Response:



Spoiler for Dr. Casey response:



Spoiler for Deikan response:



Spoiler for Sol Falling response:



Spoiler for Coldlight response:



And phew, finally done. Thanks a bunch for all the great replies.
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Old 2012-02-19, 18:19   Link #110
Kogetsu Shirogane
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Great news on the artist front! And that is a really nice piece, so I'm definitely looking forward to that... even though I'll probably never be able to see the finished project.

Anyway...
Spoiler for Response to response:


In other news... now I want some Skittles.
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... well at least it's consistent...
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Old 2012-02-20, 12:00   Link #111
Triple_R
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Chapter 10
Canon Route Chain

“Madoka?”


That's what Sayaka said in a tone of surprise to me as she walked through the automatic doors leading into her house. Kyubey was perched upon her shoulders.

“Sayaka.” I replied, as I turned sideways to face her, “Are you... You know...”

“Yeah, I'm going on patrol for wicked witches!” Sayaka exclaimed in reply, thankfully picking up on what I was trying to get at here, “It's a duty of all allies of justice!”

“You're going alone?” I asked, in a tone of concern and sadness.

“I'll be fine.” Sayaka replied, while she posed like a proud pro wrestler, “It was Mami's job, right? So now it's my job as her junior.”

Hearing Sayaka refer to Mami like that only heightened my concern, really.

“Um...” I began, as I strenuously searched for the right words to say here, “I can't really do anything, and I know I'll just get in your way, but... I promise I'll stay out of your way if you take me along!”

That didn't come out quite right. In fact, I kinda contradicted myself. In the anxiety of the moment, I had also dropped my schoolbag. As deeply worried for Sayaka as I was due to all of the warnings Homura had made, I shouldn't have been this flustered. ...Did Sayaka mean more to me than I had thought?

Thankfully, Sayaka seemed a bit amused by my words and actions here.

“Aren't you trying too hard?” she asked me, as she tilted her head playfully to the side, and smiled towards me.

“Sorry...” I replied, “I know, I'll just be a distraction so I can't go.”

“Nah.” Sayaka exclaimed while she took hold of both of my hands with the two of her's, “I'd love to bring you!”

I gasped slightly over Sayaka's actions here. No, not just over her actions, but also over how much her hands were trembling!

“You can tell, right?” Sayaka continued, “My hands have been shaking all this time. I'm so ashamed. I'm a magical girl, but going alone made me feel so lonely... So you won't be in the way at all! I'm really happy you're coming! Just having someone there is really reassuring! With you coming along, I feel like I could take on the world!”

Wow... Maybe I also meant more to Sayaka than I had thought...

“I...” I began in reply to her, trying to find good, supportive words to say.

“I'll protect you.” Sayaka excitedly said, interrupting my reply, “So don't worry, come along!”

“Let's go witch-hunting again!” Sayaka exclaimed, as she patted me on the shoulders.

I cheerfully replied approvingly of this. But Kyubey did have a warning to make to Sayaka over it.

“You understand the danger that you're putting yourself in, correct?” he asked her.

“I'm kind of a ditz.” Sayaka replied to Kyubey, while the three of us began Sayaka's patrol, “So if I'm alone I'm sure I'll make all sorts of mistakes. With Madoka at my side, I'll be a lot more cautious.”

“I see.” responded Kyubey, “As long as you've thought it through.”

Kyubey then spoke to me telepathically.

'You have your own reasons, Madoka.' he said to me, as he turned his head around to face him, 'I know you want to protect Sayaka. Really, just by being there you're our ace in the hole.'

'I'm...' I replied telepathically to Kyubey, wondering if I should simply become a magical girl right now, providing Sayaka with much greater help than I currently could.

'You don't have to say anything now.' Kyubey said to me, 'Sayaka would be against it anyway. But if you ever decide on it, I'll be ready.'


Sayaka, Kyubey, and I soon started to blend in amongst the crowd of people walking through the commercial area we all were in. Oddly enough, none of them noticed Sayaka holding out her blue Soul Gem in front of her, using it to try to locate a witch or familiar. But it didn't take long for Sayaka to locate one.

“Here it is.” Sayaka said, as she and I finally came to a stop.

There seemed to be a witch or a familiar near the bottom of a flight of stairs directly in front of Sayaka and I. I think that they lead to some sort of energy maintenance or plumbing area deep within the bowels of the city. Suddenly, we noticed a very bright greenish yellow light in front of us.

“This barrier was probably formed by a familiar, not a witch.” Kyubey said.

As Sayaka and I walked through the familiar's barrier, the steps and walls now seemed an unearthly bright neon green. I also saw giant crayons falling in front of us, and what I think was a partially melted yellow ruler overheard. The sides of the walls also now kinda resembled humongous pieces of notebook paper. It was pretty creepy, but to be fair, I've certainly seen worse in recent days. So it wasn't too hard for me to keep walking behind Sayaka, supporting her.

As we moved further along, I suddenly heard some loud, playful grunting, as though coming from some rambunctious young boy. Next thing I knew, yellow balls were bouncing all around us! Sayaka quickly took hold of my shoulders, and forced the two of us to crouch down defensively, while her upper torso provided me with added protection.

“There it is!” I shouted, as I took notice of some bizarre cartoonish creature flying around in what looked like a WWII era fighter plane.

“Got it!” Sayaka shouted, as she quickly transformed into her magical girl outfit.

Immediately after doing so, she wrapped her white cape all around herself. Then, upon pulling it back, Sayaka revealed nine long swords in a circular formation all around her! I have to admit that she looked really dashing and cool right now. As for myself, I carefully took a defensive posture behind Sayaka, while Kyubey rested on my shoulder.


Sayaka then took hold of one blade after another after another, rapidly throwing them at the familiar! That's an unusual way to use swords in battle. I wonder if it was inspired by how Mami had used her muskets?

The familiar appeared frightened by Sayaka's opening attack, and desperately tried to avoid it. The familiar successfully dodged the first four swords, as those ended up impaling into the side of the wall. But much to the surprise of Sayaka and I, two of her swords were knocked away by some sort of whip-like weapon with a large, sharp point at the end of it! Those two swords were deflected into the ground, just a couple meters in front of Sayaka.

And then... then I saw a redheaded girl that looked vaguely familiar to me. She gracefully landed upon the handle of one of Sayaka's swords, causing it to magically disperse into many fine particles. This girl seemed very acrobatic, and she was wearing a long-flowing reddish dress!

“Hey, what the heck are you two doing?!” she angrily asked of Sayaka and I.

The familiar's barrier than dissipated, as it made its getaway.


If you choose A for Choice 3, right Section Prophetic Dreams. Otherwise, skip over it.


Prophetic Dreams
Spoiler for Prophetic Dreams:



“Who are you?!” Sayaka angrily asked of this redheaded girl, while sprinting after the escaping familiar.

But then this redheaded girl pointed her spear directly at Sayaka's neck, and extended its length towards Sayaka, causing Sayaka to quickly stop sprinting with the point of the spear only an inch from her neck! I was really freaked out by this! Just who is this redheaded girl?

“Can't you tell?” she asked Sayaka, “That's a familiar, not a witch. Those don't drop Grief Seeds.”

Sayaka then backed away a bit while trying to explain herself to this other magical girl.

“But if I leave it be, it'll kill someone!” Sayaka explained.

This redheaded girl then started biting into some sort of crunchy sweet bread snack. While chewing it, she continued to address Sayaka.

“Yeah, you wait for it to do that and grow into a witch.” she stated to Sayaka, “That's how you get Grief Seeds. You're killing the goose that lays the golden eggs here.”

Sayaka was pretty taken aback by the viewpoint presented by this other magical girl. I myself found it a bit cold and heartless. That being said, I couldn't deny the pragmatism behind this other girl's position.

“Are you saying that we should just watch the witches kill people?!” Sayaka asked of this other magical girl.

“You have some really messed up ideas, kid.” responded the other magical girl, “Haven't you heard of the food chain? You should've learned it in school.”

This other magical girl then licked her lips, after taking another bite of her snack. She then started walking somewhat threateningly towards Sayaka.

“Witches eat weak humans.” she said, “Then we eat those witches. It's a law of nature. Just the order of things.”

While saying this, the redheaded magical girl kept walking forward, forcing Sayaka to walk backwards. I think her goal might have been to put some distance between Sayaka and I. Unfortunately, I realized this too late! Soon a magical barrier of metallic red ribbons formed all around me, cutting me off from Sayaka and this other magical girl.

“You... You're...” Sayaka began in seething reply, as I could tell this redheaded magical girl had angered her greatly!

“Wait, don't tell me you're going to give me that line of crap about “helping people” and “justice”?” she teasingly asked, while leaning her face in close to Sayaka's.

“Is that really why you contracted with him?” this other girl said, while tilting her head to look at Kyubey.

“What are you trying to say?!” Sayaka asked angrily, as she pulled back her sword and then swung it forwards at the other magical girl.

Oh no! It looks like they're going to fight!

The other magical girl used the shaft of her spear to block Sayaka's sword. Sayaka pressed hard against that shaft to try to slice through it, but to no avail. It seems like this redheaded girl is at least a bit stronger than Sayaka is...

“Give it a rest, kid.” the redheaded girl said to Sayaka.

But Sayaka continued to struggle against the other magical girl and her spear. That other magical girl calmly went about eating her sweet bread snack. I think she was trying to demonstrate to Sayaka how hopeless a fight between the two of them would be for Sayaka...

“You think you're just playing around, don't you?” the redheaded girl asked rhetroically, “What a nuisance!”

The redheaded girl then pushed Sayaka back with a forward thrust of her spear. This sent Sayaka into screaming flight!

Part of me felt compelled to try to reason with this redheaded girl, as I really feared that Sayaka could get seriously hurt in a fight with this girl! But at the same time, there was a part of me that felt very angry with this redheaded girl, and wanted to give her a piece of my mind...

This all left me wondering what, if anything, I should say.


Choice 12:

A) Do and say nothing. Hope for the best.

B) “Please don't hurt my friend! We get your point! If you don't hurt her, I'll make sure she accepts what you said, and becomes a magical girl like yourself!”

C) “Stop provoking Sayaka, you big meanie! Just what kind of magical girl are you?! Mami Tomoe was nothing like you! She fought witches and familiars, and she was a great magical girl!”


If you choose B, read Section 12B, and disregard the rest of the chapter. If you choose C, read Section 12C, and disregard the rest of the chapter. If you choose A, skip over both of these sections.


Spoiler for Section 12B:



Spoiler for Section 12C:



The redheaded magical girl then transformed her spear into some kind of chain-whip, as she started to twirl around! The end of the chain-whip struck with fearsome velocity against Sayaka's sword, sending Sayaka flying once more! Sayaka crashed against the side of the wall, causing a piece of piping to break loose, spurting forth water. Sayaka crashed nastily against the ground, while her sword fell into the ground, nearby her.

Sayaka-chan!” I screamed in extreme concern.

The redheaded girl chortled a bit over her dominance her.

“Now go cool your heels somewhere.” she said to Sayaka.

The redheaded girl then started to walk away. Much to her surprise, though, a heavily breathing Sayaka started to slowly rise to her feet. This seemed to greatly irritate the redheaded magical girl.

“I don't get it.” she said, “That should have put you out of action for months.”

“Sayaka, are you Ok?” I asked, as I was deeply concerned about her here.

“It's because she became a magical girl by wishing for someone's recovery.” Kybuey stated, “She has superhuman regenerative powers.”

“Who the hell would listen to you?!” Sayaka asked angrily of the redheaded girl, “If it wasn't for people like you, Mami would...”

“You tick me off.” the redheaded magical girl said, as I think Sayaka mentioning Mami really struck a nerve with her, “You really tick me off!”

The two angrily shouted at one another one more time, before launching themselves into close quarters combat!

Sparks flew and steel clanged as spear repeatedly struck against sword. The fighting was fiercely frenzied, as they both moved about so quickly that it was difficult for me to keep track of their moving bodies. I screamed out to Sayaka, as I wanted the fighting to stop, but Kyubey encouraged me to stay back.

The redheaded girl then wrapped her chain-whip around Sayaka's body, and used it to whip Sayaka hard into the side of the wall! The redheaded girl then announced that she intended to kill Sayaka! She sprinted at Sayaka with such blazing speed. I was totally petrified. I wasn't sure what to do!

But then Sayaka stunned the redheaded girl by successfully blocking the point of the spear with the point of her sword!

“I won't lose!” Sayaka shouted at her, “I can't lose!”

A giant spark formed due to the points of the two weapons scraping against one another. Everything seemed so incredibly dangerous to me!

The redheaded girl then took to the air, leaping an awesomely high distance upwards! She then came crashing downwards diagonally, pointing her spear at Sayaka. The spear crashed into the ground so hard that it caused a huge chunk of it to shatter open, leaving a small crater in its wake. Sayaka barely managed to dodge the blow! But this wasn't enough to frighten Sayaka into shying away from further combat.

With a look of fierce anger and resolve on her face, and with a loud battle cry, Sayaka leaped back into combat! Once more, sparks flew and steel clanged as spear struck against sword!

“What do I do?” I asked myself out loud, “Why is this happening?! She's not a witch! They're on the same side! Why do they have to fight?!”

“It can't be helped.” explained Kyubey, “Neither of them will back down.”

“Please, Kyubey, stop them!” I begged of him, “This shouldn't be happening!”

“I can't do anything.” Kyubey replied, “But...”

Kyubey then leaped down from off of my shoulder.

“If you want to force them to stop, there is one way.” he explained to me, “Only another magical girl could get between them. But you could do that. If you really wanted to.”

That's right... If I contract...

The redheaded girl then took the upper-hand in her fight against Sayaka. With her chain-whip, she had dragged Sayaka down to the ground.

I was so intensely worried about Sayaka here. I feared if I didn't become a magical girl right now that Sayaka would get killed!

Should I become a magical girl or shouldn't I? It was now or never!


If you chose B for Opportunity Choice 6, skip over section “Madoka Becomes a Magical Girl!”. Otherwise, read it and disregard the rest of the chapter.

To get more of that Full VN effect for Section "Madoka Becomes a Magical Girl!", listen to the song at this link while you read that section.


Spoiler for Madoka Becomes a Magical Girl!:



“I...” I began uneasily, before I was suddenly and unexpectedly interrupted.

“That will not be necessary.” came the voice of Akemi Homura, as I caught a split-second glance of her moving by me.

Next thing I knew, the redheaded girl's spear crashed harmlessly into the ground below, while Sayaka had somehow been instantly moved a few meters away from it! Homura then came to a soft landing on a puddle of water.

Sayaka and the redheaded girl were both stunned by Homura's sudden appearance. The redheaded girl attacked Homura, but to no avail, as Homura somehow moved instantly from one spot to another. It really did seem like Homura had teleportation powers!

Unfortunately, Sayaka wanted to continue fighting the redheaded girl, and asked Homura to get out of her way. This prompted Homura to use some lightning quick movement that I didn't quite perceive in order to render Sayaka unconscious. I raced over to Sayaka, and crouched over her to make sure she was Ok.

Homura then talked down the redheaded girl, causing her to decide to head off.

“Did you just save us?” I asked Homura.

“How many times do I have to warn you?” Homura asked me, “You're such an idiot.”

Homura's insult really stung, I have to admit...

“How many times have I told you to not get involved?” Homura asked again, “If you do something stupid, I'm not holding back.”

Homura's threatening words here had left me in tears, especially since they were so startling given the discussion we had just before Sayaka's first fight against a witch.

Homura then slowly walked away, while Kyubey expressed some words of concern to me over what Homura could be planning with all of this.

While I was relieved that Sayaka had managed to survive this day, I was deeply worried over what Homura, or this redheaded magical girl, might decide to do next...

__________________________________________________ _________



The main route of Chapter 10 was running much longer than I thought it would, but I really didn't want to cut off any possible narrative branch that I felt was plausible and interesting.

So my plans are this: With apologies to readers mostly into "Mami Lives", the next update will be "Chapter 11", after which I will get back to "Mami Lives". "Chapter 11" will feature "Special Short Chain 5" and the continuation of the Homura/Sayaka Alliance Chain. Think of Special Short Chain 5 as a kind of extended special ending.

When/if this is adapted into a VN, I'll have both this Chapter and Chapter 11 all make up just one chapter in the VN, to avoid any possible confusion for game players.
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Last edited by Triple_R; 2012-02-28 at 08:58. Reason: Edited one bit as per Coldlight suggestion.
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Old 2012-02-20, 19:15   Link #112
Kogetsu Shirogane
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Wow. I was actually worried that not even qualifying for OC6 would have come back to haunt me. It seems that wasn't a problem at all, due to the fact I ended up with Prophetic Dreams.
Spoiler for Prophetic Dreams:



Of course, given the fact I didn't even get the canon route anyway, I've decided to be silly and continue on as though I went with 3B... and due to my love of provoking "villains," I went with 12C.
Spoiler for Not-So-Canon:



And... since I did kinda screw things up with Homura(stupid Mami glomp...), I figure I may as well look into the end result of the less-me, more-Madoka decision of not doing anything. And, as there's really not much to talk about up until the branch...
Spoiler for "Puella Magi Madoka"... literally:



Lastly... since it wouldn't be right of me to not comment on this part as well...
Spoiler for 12B:




*e* I really need to quit forgetting this... nice update. I'm looking forward to Chapter 10-And-A-Half-Which-Is-Officially-Chapter-11. Given the fact you didn't want to cut anything from either, I'd imagine Alliance is going to be just as good, if not better.
For what it's worth, though, you probably could have went ahead and just did this all in one update. Of course, I'm saying that without knowing how long 11 is going to be, so I'd imagine you'd probably be the better judge of that. Ah well, this gives us the ability to focus on just one portion of things, so for a one- or two-time thing, this change works.
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... well at least it's consistent...

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Old 2012-02-21, 11:08   Link #113
night_sentinel
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Wow, I missed a lot . Thx for updating quickly Triple R you made my day. And another thanks for considering my suggestion granted I still think that 45 minutes wait is too short to lose your cool but, I think its mostly my perception this time since I know some people that will be annoyed at that length of wait.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kogetsu Shirogane
While I doubt this is the explanation Triple_R will go with, a potential reason could be the view that teenage girls are more "emotionally driven," so to speak. If you take that viewpoint, then it's simply a matter of efficiency to only target them.
I sincerely hope that will not be the reason Triple_R will suggest for limiting magical girls to well girls. I believe both sexes feel the same emotional intensity or drive. I have met guys who are more emotional than girls and girls less emotional than guys.

But, I digress its now time for my scheduled VN consumption ... wow, its long and it has two updates cool . Thx again.

Mami Romance Chain


Since I friendshipped Mami, this is not the route that I'm following but its very interesting just the same. Judging from the lingering effect, I think Mami is wondering if they jumped the gun too soon. But, the most interesting part of this section is the M2 choice .

Spoiler for M2A:


Spoiler for M2C:


And now for choice M3

Spoiler for M3:


Mami Friendship Chain

And now the route that I'm in and regarding the choices here all I'll say is I knew this would happen.

Spoiler for S opportunity 1:



Spoiler for Opportunity choice:


There's another update but, I'll read it a bit later. Have to go to class now. Thanks for the really fast update again.
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Old 2012-02-21, 16:18   Link #114
Sol Falling
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Hmm, so Homura dies even in the ending where Madoka foresees the future, huh. Kannazuki no Miko being the anime that first really got me into yuri, I'm always happy to see any mention of Chikane, but to be honest it's basically requisite in my mind for her and Himeko to come as a pair. Then again, we're only just about halfway through the anime, so having another bittersweet ending with Chikane come in following Homura's death is probably appropriate at this stage of the story.

The Chikane image you embedded does seem to be broken though.

Choice 12 is some tough stuff. Ultimately, I think I would have stuck with Choice A and the canon route again if I were in this section of the story. However, letting the story roll along the way it's originally gone is basically equivalent to resigning to a bad end for Sayaka. I share Kogetsu's impression that choosing 12C is sending Sayaka off on a violent and brutal direction. In contrast, choice 12B seems very hurtful to Sayaka herself, without necessarily any signs of having successfully steered her off her path to self-destruction. I can see how 12C might be the best route overall, saving Sayaka by forging a stronger relationship with Madoka, but overall it's quite a tough dilemma.

The "Special Short Chain" looks to be fairly interesting...I wonder what plans you have in mind with Madoka transforming at this stage in the story. Overall I still have a feeling that Madoka doing so is a significant loss for Homura, but I have to admit it seems to be starting off well. Will Madoka doing this lead to a good end or a bad end? I guess we'll have to see.

I've got no problems with the splitting or overall lengths of the chapters; it's all part of the same story in the end (lol, well at least I guess that's how I see it), so whatever's convenient as far as updating for you is perfectly fine with me. Good work with this present chapter though, and I'll be looking forward to the next update.
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Old 2012-02-24, 13:14   Link #115
Triple_R
"...Why?!", Sailor Faerie
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Chapter 11
Mami Returns! (Short Chain)

“Ha ha ha ha! You're in for it now!”


I was a bit surprised by Sayaka sounding such a triumphant note in the face of this fearsomely strong redheaded magical girl. On the one hand, I was a bit flattered that Sayaka felt that I alone would so decisively turn the tide of battle like that. On the other hand, her apparent desire for such a battle with another magical girl disturbed me.

The redheaded girl, for her part, had taken up a defensive stance. My becoming a magical girl and shooting her down had made her more cagey, waiting to see what Sayaka and I might try next. Sayaka similarly took a defensive stance, but had a saucy grin on her face, directed at the redheaded girl. I think Sayaka wanted the redheaded girl to rush at her, hoping that I would respond to that by shooting a barrage of arrows at the redheaded girl, leaving her distracted for a decisive strike from Sayaka. However, I didn't want to end this battle with such likely bloodshed or even loss of life.

I started walking slowly towards Sayaka to stand alongside her.

“I want this fight to end now.” I said out-loud to the redheaded magical girl, after I took a position next to Sayaka.

“Huh?” Sayaka said, surprised by my words, “But why? She's in the way! We have to get after that familiar so it isn't allowed to hurt anybody!”

“You're right.” I stated to Sayaka, agreeing with her, “But I'd prefer to resolve this with words rather than with violence.”

“Do you hear me?!” I shouted out in question to the redheaded magical girl, “I stand with Sayaka in wanting to stop that familiar from hurting innocent people. But I also want this fight to end. So I plead with you to end this fight, and to leave, so that Sayaka and I can go after that familiar.”

Unfortunately, my words seemed to fall on deaf ears. The redheaded girl was now the one with a saucy grin on her face, as she perceived my desire for peace to be a sign of weakness.

“Two magical girls against one are bad odds, even for me.” the redheaded girl said towards Sayaka, “But that's only if both of those two magical girls are willing to fight! Your friend there appears too cowardly to fight another magical girl, and if so, she's easy pickings for me!”

The redheaded girl's words here resonating with Sayaka, as I could tell that Sayaka was now making a displeased look towards me. The redheaded girl looked like she was about to launch herself into combat against Sayaka and I. I hated the thought of having to fight another magical girl, but it looks like I would be left with no other choice. If only...

“Kyouko Sakura...” came a stern voice that sent goosebumps up the spine of both Kyouko and Sayaka, “This is disappointing even given how tragically our last meeting went”

Mami Tomoe...” this 'Kyouko' stated breathlessly, as she saw Mami walk between her and Sayaka.

Mami-san!” exclaimed an overjoyed Sayaka.

A tearful Sayaka rushed over to Mami to tightly wrap her arms around her. With tears of joy in my eyes, I decided to do the same as well, by gently hugging Mami from the other side.

“I'm so glad that you're back with us!” Sayaka exclaimed, with tears pouring forth from her eyes , while Mami softly embraced her back.

“I'm glad as well.” Mami said warmly, before tilting her face to look towards me, “Thank you, Madoka.”

“Wh-what is the meaning of this?!” Kyouko exclaimed in question, “Aren't you supposed to be dead?!”

Sayaka made a cross look at Kyouko over her undesired interruption of our touching reunion with Mami. But Mami gracefully pushed both Sayaka and I aside in order to take a couple steps towards Kyouko and address her.

“You could say that reports of my demise were greatly exaggerated.” Mami stated with a slight grin.

“W-was this some sort of trap you laid for me?!” Kyouko exclaimed in question, as I think she actually seemed emotionally hurt over the thought, “Is this some messed up way to get revenge?”

“No.” Mami answered, before gesturing one outstretched palm to Sayaka and I, “But I do want you to see how I have taken two new Juniors under my care just as you once were my Junior. These two girls have chosen to follow my philosophy on what it means to be a magical girl, just as you once did. It's not too late for you. You and I can make amends. Join with Madoka, Sayaka, and I! Be my friend and ally once more, Kyouko.”

Sayaka and I were both startled by Mami's revelation about her past association with this Kyouko! I became sad over the thought of how their previous friendship must have ended due to some argument or unfortunate occurrence.

Kyouko's demeanour seemed to calm and soften due to Mami's words. But Kyouko was not entirely swayed by them.

“I won't pretend that I haven't missed your company, Mami.” Kyouko said, “But I learned the hard way that your approach to being a magical girl just never works out! It only leads to more tragedy and suffering!”

“Do you see tragedy and suffering amongst my new friends and I?” Mami asked in turn.

There was then a pause while Sayaka held one of Mami's hands, and I held Mami's other hand. The three of us stood close together, while we all looked Kyouko in the face. The tension in the air was thick enough to cut with a knife! Kyouko thankfully brought that to an end by retracting her spear with a magical gesture, and relaxing her posture entirely.

“I won't be doing things your way again.” Kyouko said simply, “But this is still your territory, so do what you want with it. I'm heading back to my own territory. Cya!”

Kyouko then leaped upwards, stealthily back and forth from one ledge to the next to the next before finally leaving. Mami breathed a deep sigh over it.

“Don't worry about her, Mami.” Sayaka said, “What's really important is that you're somehow alive!”

“I'm alive because Madoka wished for it when she became a magical girl.” Mami said with a wide smile towards me, “Kyubey explained everything to me telepathically while you and Madoka were confronting Kyouko.”

“How did you come to meet and befriend her, Mami?” I asked, “And what caused her eventual split from you.”

“It's a... long story.” Mami answered, “I'll make sure to share it with both you and Sayaka later. But for now, Madoka, there is something I must ask. While you have my deepest gratitude for giving me back my life, why did you choose to wish me back to life as a normal human girl?”

Kyouko and Sayaka thankfully had not noticed that, which better enabled Mami to talk Kyouko down.

“I want you to have a chance to choose a wish not forced by an emergency.” I explained to Mami, “You never had that chance before, but this time you will!”

“I see.” Mami said, as she appeared very deeply touched by my gestures here, “That is very kind and considerate of you. I only feel guilty over how your wish has now been spent purely for my benefit.”

“Don't be.” Sayaka said, “Madoka and I are just so happy that you're back with us! Right, Madoka?”

“Right!” I exclaimed cheerfully, “I am curious though. Do you remember anything...”

“From the time I spent dead?” Mami stated, finishing my question for me, “Yes, I can certainly understand why that would be a pressing question and an intense curiosity. Truthfully, Madoka, it's like I went from the moment of my death to the moment of my revival in a flash. I recall a sharp, sudden pain as my neck began to crack and snap under the force of that awful witch's teeth. I recall a brief moment of extreme horror in thinking that I was going to die. But instantly after that, I found myself lying behind you while you shot an arrow at Kyouko, as though I had never died at all!”

“I see.” Sayaka said, a bit disappointed I think, “No confirmation of an afterlife then. Ah well, I guess your experience doesn't really rule it out either.”

“Right.” Mami said, “But let's put that aside for now. I want to make the most of this life that you've given me back, Madoka!”

“Does that mean you're going to become a magical girl again?” I asked her.

“I...” Mami began in uneasy answer.

I could then perceive Mami's eyes clouding over and narrowing as uncertainty took hold of her. She began to walk a couple steps away from Sayaka and I, as she carefully contemplated my question.

“It is funny.” Mami said, while gazing upon her open hand, “You were my juniors, with me as the only magical girl. Now you both are magical girls, and I am a normal human again. I won't be much of a Senior if I didn't become a magical girl again for your sake, and yet...”

“You don't need to rush into it, Mami!” exclaimed Sayaka, “I took a long time before I settled on my wish, and it would be fine if you did the same.”

I then vaguely recalled what Mami said about the sad downsides to being a magical girl. How it left her lonely and lacking time for friends or boyfriends.

“You can choose to stay a normal girl if you want, Mami.” I said to her.

I was a bit surprised that Kyubey had not sounded a disagreeing note here. Did he not particularly care if Mami Tomoe was a magical girl or not? Were Sayaka and I enough?

“I think I will remain a normal girl for awhile at least.” Mami said, “Simply to spend some time experiencing that again. By the way, you both have chosen wonderful magical girl outfits for yourselves. Yours is quite elegant, Madoka, while yours is an enchanting mix of medieval Europe with 1900s America, Sayaka.”

I thanked Mami for the compliment after blushing a bit, while Sayaka shyly laughed over it and waved one hand saying “It's nothing, really, but thanks.”

“Now then...” said Mami, “This time I'll be the one to follow behind you two as we chase after that escaped familiar!”

“Right!” exclaimed a confidently smiling Sayaka while she did a fist-pump.


So the three of us then went after the familiar that had escaped due to Kyouko's actions. After we caught and defeated him, the three of us decided to enjoy a treat over Mami's place. Mami's place was now very dusty and in need of cleaning, but there was still some food left in the fridge to enjoy.

My decision to wish Mami back from the dead in order to be a magical girl to help Sayaka seemed to have achieved two excellent goals in one arrow shot. I have to admit I felt proud of my accomplishment. Still, in thinking back to how dreadful Homura had made the role of the magical girl seem, I felt some trepidation over the thought of where my life as a magical girl would take me next...


Affection Calculation Time! Where the story goes next will depend on your current affection level with Mami Tomoe. Refer to the data tables below to calculate your current affection levels with her. Also, add 1 free affection point to your Mami Tomoe affection level due to her being thankful since you wished her back to life.


Spoiler for Mami Tomoe Affection Data:




If your affection level with Mami is +1 or less, read Section “Mami Tomoe's Ultimate Sacrifice”. To get more of that full VN feel for that, listen to the music here while reading it.

If your affection level with Mami is +2 or higher, read Section “Endless Love". To get more of that full VN feel for that, listen to the music here while reading it


Spoiler for Mami Tomoe's Ultimate Sacrifice:



Spoiler for Endless Love:


__________________________________________________ _____________


Homura/Sayaka Alliance Chain

Oddly enough, Friday came and went without me hearing back from Sayaka about the important meeting she went to with Homura. It left me feeling a bit worried about them. Oh well, Sayaka probably just forgot to call me about it after. After staying up a bit late thinking over it, I finally fell asleep, content in the knowledge that our city would be well-defended from witches and familiars by Homura and Sayaka.

The next morning, though, I was surprised to see Kyubey once more situated amongst my plushies...

“...Kyubey?” I asked of him, after yawning, and while still feeling a bit groggy, “Why are you here? You know of the agreement Sayaka and I made with Homura...”

“There's something urgent we need to talk about Madoka!” Kyubey exclaimed to me, “Both Homura and Sayaka have been kidnapped!”

“...Eeehhhh!” I uttered in horror and shock, after blinking uneasily over Kyubey's words.

Kyubey then went on to tell me how he was given a ransom note from some mysterious person who was demanding to meet with me on the rooftop of my school at 9:30 PM, Saturday night. Kyubey had been told by this kidnapper to pass the ransom note unto me!

Enclosed within a sealed envelope was a short hand-written letter and... and the pictures of an unconscious Homura and Sayaka, both bound and tied up in a strange place that I didn't recognize! The hand-written letter was straight and to the point, stating that if I ever wanted to see Homura and Sayaka alive again that I had to arrive at the assigned meeting place, and that Kyubey and I were to come there alone. The kidnapper also wrote that if I met one specific request tonight that he would release Sayaka and Homura back to me.

I desperately wanted to tell my mom, or call the police, about this, but Kyubey went to great lengths to discourage me from doing that. He told me that we shouldn't risk getting anybody else involved given what was wrote in the letter. He had a point, and so I eventually decided that I would go along with the conditions set by the kidnapper.


Saturday seemed to drag on forever, as my thoughts throughout the day were dominated with concerns over Sayaka and Homura's well-being. I also wondered what this kidnapper could possibly want with me! What was the specific request? Was it something that I would be able to meet? These questions plagued my mind until 9 PM, Saturday night arrive. I then made my way to my school.


To my surprise, I found that all of the doors of the school were unlocked in spite of how it was closed today. I could only assume that the kidnapper had seen to this. As I walked through dark, freaky school hallways, I felt similar darkness and fright take hold of my heart. I felt such terribly torturous trepidation over what this kidnapper might ask of me in return for Sayaka and Homura's release. I hope that whatever he was thinking of asking for is something that I would be able and willing to give...

I finally arrived on the school rooftop, at the spot where Sayaka and I usually go for lunch on schooldays. It felt strange and eerie to be here on a Saturday night, but at least a full moon provided some illumination while crisp, cool air refreshed my lungs. With a clenched fist, I firmed myself for this meeting with the mysterious kidnapper.

But this was not enough to prevent me from being shocked and awed by what I would soon see...


I saw some air in front of me seemingly shift into a transparent mercury, which then kinda phased out to reveal something immense and powerful behind it.

There, about five meters in front of me and hovering two meters off the ground, was an immense mechanical flying platform, shaped like a gargantuan beetle! On top of that “beetle” was a makeshift balcony of sorts. Standing in that balcony was one man flanked by two androids shaped like giant bipedal insects, each about the size of two large muscular human males. One of these androids held an unconscious Homura in its arms, while the other one held an unconscious Sayaka in its arms... but with some sort of large gun pointed directly at Sayaka's head!

The man standing between the two androids had bright green hair and eyebrows. He wore a purple business suit with a white shirt underneath. As much as he reminded me of a certain classic fictional American villain, his facial features were notably Japanese. He also wore something over one eye and the side of his head. Was it some sort of electronic scanner?

His arms were neatly folded across his chest, and he had this disturbingly hungry grin on his face that made me cringe in fear and want to run away... Most importantly, though, he seemed to have a large, green, malleable Soul Gem in the shape of a necktie, around his neck!

“I'm pleased to see you've chosen to be cooperative.” he said to me, “My stealth reconnaissance units have informed me that you've come alone, as requested. Excellent. Then let's not waste time here, and get down to busin...”

“Wait!” I shouted at him, as I was very curious over his necktie, “Is that... is that a Soul Gem that you're wearing?”

“Yes, it is!” he exclaimed in enthusiastic answer, “Like your friend Akemi Homura, I'm a magical human.”

“But Kyubey...” I said, as I turned my head towards him, “Didn't you tell me that only teenage girls could contract with you?”

“That was not always the case.” Kyubey began in answer, “There was a time when my people and I were willing to contract with all humans, of all ages. But for various reasons, we eventually decided to contract only with teenage girls.”

“I see.” I said.

Curiosity continued to get the best of me, as I found myself asking the strange magical man before me another question.

“...What did you wish for when you become a magical human?” I asked him.

A wide, proud smile spread across his face after I asked this question.

“I wished for what any sane man would.” he began in answer, before triumphantly gesturing one arm upwards, “I wished for unlimited power!

“Unlimited power...” I said breathlessly, overwhelmed by his answer, “But then... then why do you need to get anything from me?!”

“Kyubey and his people aren't omnipotent.” he answered, “Nor is the magical potential flowing within us humans. So when I wished for “unlimited power” it didn't grant me omnipotence, but simply an endless and vast supply of pure magical energy.”

As he said this, he stretched out one arm, and held his hand palm up with his fingers in a clawing position. Then I saw green fiery energy form all over his hand!

“I am no mere Magus, and I am more powerful than any Puella Magi.” he explained in boast, “I am a Magus battery! I once dreamed of finding ultimate weapons to achieve my greatest ambitions, but now I myself am an ultimate weapon. Also, due to my unlimited power, I never need to use Grief Seeds to cleanse my Soul Gem. My own magical energies suffice.”

Everything about this man was incredible and freakish to me. His actions, his wish, his power, his desires... I felt like I couldn't relate to them at all! I mean, I had wanted power to help others, but not for its own sake! This man represented an approach to life that seemed totally alien to me even while his facial features were Japanese.

“Since you are naturally intrigued by the great mysterious Conqueror before you, let me reveal more about myself to you.” he continued, as he proudly placed one hand over his heart, “You may call me Emperor Jinnai. As we humans measure time, I became a magical human back in the middle of the 1990s! My new powers better enabled me to create and lead a large army, which I have since used to conquer five different alien planets as I travelled the stars!”

Amazing... Horrifyingly amazing...

“But these planets all had a very low population relative to Earth, which I have to admit made them much easier to conquer.” he continued, “For me to conquer my own planet of birth by conventional means would involve a long and brutal slog, likely leaving much of Earth a ruinous mess unfit to rule. So this is where you come in, my dear!”

This 'Emperor Jinnai' then snapped his fingers, and I noticed a whirring sound and fearsomely glowing eyes come from the android holding Sayaka in its arms.

“I have just activated Tetsuo 11 to immediately start shooting at Sayaka Miki if you utter a single word.” he stated.

My eyes grew wide in stunned horror over what he had just said. I wanted to scream out “Why?!” but I refrained from doing so. I didn't want to take the risk that Jinnai wasn't bluffing!

“Good.” he said, noticing my silence and how I swallowed hard, “I suspected you would know how to react there. This measure is unfortunate, but necessary to ensure that you don't try to double-cross me by changing your wish in the middle of voicing it!”

My wish? What did he mean by that?

“There is one precise sequence of words that you can voice which Tetsuo 11 has been programmed to allow without firing at Sayaka Miki.” Jinnai continued in explanation, “They are 'I wish for Emperor Jinnai to become the absolute Monarch of the entire planet of Earth'.”

...Now it became clear to me. As generally incomprehensible as I found this 'Emperor' and his ambitions to be, it was now clear what his 'one specific request' was. He wanted me to wish for him to become the ruler of Earth! That was why he wanted Kyubey to come along with me, as Kyubey would be needed to grant the wish.

“I can tell by the look on your face that you've already figured out what my specific request of you is.” he said, “Grant that request, and these two girls will be returned to you unharmed. You have two minutes to decide if you will grant my request or not. My request for you to make the wish of “I wish for Emperor Jinnai to become the absolute Monarch of the entire planet of Earth”. If you decide to grant that request, nod approvingly. Otherwise, I'm afraid that Sayaka Miki's hair will soon resemble Swiss cheese more than blue cheese.”

This Jinnai was unflinchingly ruthless. I could tell that now, as beads of nervous sweat formed on the side of my head. Every fibre of my being was telling me that this was an evil man, if ever there was one. Should I actually trust him with ruling Earth?!

Still, I couldn't let him kill Sayaka. I just couldn't! The thought was too horrible to think of. And so, with many worries plaguing my mind, I nonetheless nodded approvingly of his request. A haughty open smile washed across Jinnai's face, as his eyes also lit up.

“Then do it!” he exclaimed excitedly, “Make the wish!”

“I...” I began uneasily, “...wish for Emperor Jinnai to become absolute Monarch of the entire planet of Earth.”

Kyubey's eyes lit up, while Emperor Jinnai began laughing maniacally.


And with that wish, I suddenly felt a tremendous tsunami of pinkish energy wrap itself around me in a fierce embrace. I felt my student uniform leave me in a flash, while a pink and white fluffy dress with pink bows on the side appeared on me. I felt my arms and hands massively strengthen, and become increasingly durable. I couldn't help but scream over the sensation.

While this transformation seemed to me to take a couple minutes, it must have all happened instantaneously as the positions of Kyubey, Jinnai, Sayaka, and Homura hadn't changed at all. I felt such incredible confidence, power, and strength in the wake of becoming a magical girl.

Jinnai then started clicking a button at the top of his electronic scanner of sorts. I think he was flicking through shots of various world locales.

“The White House is gone...” he began, “The flag of Imperial Japan now flies over Beijing. Tokyo Tower has been replaced by a gigantic statue in my likeness! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!


So it was done. I was now a magical girl, and I had given this worrisome man complete control over Earth...

“What does the scouter say about her power level?” Kyubey asked Jinnai, referring to me.

“It's over 9000!” he exclaimed in reply.

“What? 9000!” Kyubey said excitedly.

Kyubey then turned his face towards me.

“Madoka, you may be even more powerful than he is!” Kyubey exclaimed to me.

But I didn't care much about that right now. I simply wanted to get Sayaka and Homura to safety. Knowing how powerful I was did give me some added confidence though. As such, I glared upwards at Jinnai to signal that I now expected him to hold up to his end of things.

“Ah yes” he said to me, “I guess you want your friends back now, don't you? Very well.”

“Tetsuo!” he exclaimed at the android holding Sayaka, “Throw the girl over to her.”

The android responded by roughly throwing Sayaka's unconscious body at me.

I carefully caught her, and gently laid her on the school rooftop. My new magical powers thankfully seemed to include mild healing abilities. I used that to awaken Sayaka, and remove the bruises and electrical scars that I saw on her body.

“Ma-Madoka...” she managed weakly, as she slowly opened her eyes, “...What's going on...?”

“It's Ok.” I said warmly to her, after hugging her tightly, as I felt such immense relief over Sayaka now being safe, “I'll explain everything later. Please rest for now. We'll be heading home soon.”

I then turned my attention back to Emperor Jinnai.

“What about Homura?” I firmly asked him.

“Unfortunately for you, I can't afford to release her.” Jinnai replied, with an evil grin, “Sayaka Miki is only a normal girl, so she can be safely released. The same can't be said for Akemi Homura, given her time-stop abilities. But don't worry, I have no intention of killing your deeply demented dark-haired mistress. Her abilities may later prove useful to me, so she will be kept alive. But the rest of her days will be spent in permanent vacation, if you catch my drift.”

“That's so sad...” I said, “...And that's not acceptable. That's not what you promised!”

“I kept half of my promise. That's how it works in politics, naive one.” Jinnai replied, “You'll come to be grateful for how I taught you an important life lesson this day!”

That tears it. I had had enough of this viciously vile villain! After making fierce eye contact with him for a couple moments, I finally mustered up the courage to face him in battle!

“The only one who needs to be taught a lesson is you!” I shouted angrily at him, “I will not allow you to leave without releasing Homura!”

Heh!” Jinnai chortled with contempt, “You and what army are going to stop me?”

“I don't need an army! I'll stop you myself!” I exclaimed in reply.

Oooo... the little bubble gum-headed Princess actually has a spine!” Jinnai replied, “Very well then... BRING IT ON! Let's see what you're made of!”

“I'm going to shut that big mouth of yours too!” I shouted with seething contempt.

I then held my magical bow above my head, and pulled back on its string.

Piogga di Frecce!” I exclaimed, in honour of Mami's fondness for Italian-based attack names.

My “rain of arrows” would soar through the air, crashing down all over Jinnai and the android he called Tetsuo 11! Tetsuo 11 exploded violently in the wake of my attack.

With a battle cry I leaped into the air! I began diagonally descending downwards. My intent was to land a jump-kick on Jinnai! I was going to defeat this evil villain if it was the last thing that I would do!




To Be Continued...



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The three YouTube links above are to songs that I think go well with the specific fanfic sections following them. They are intended to switch to one to the next to the next.

I'll try to make replies to Kogetsu, night_sentinel, and Sol Falling later today or tomorrow. Looks like you're finally getting your wish, Sol - I hope you found it satisfying!

Hope the wait was worth it for everyone!
__________________

Last edited by Triple_R; 2012-02-28 at 09:01. Reason: Editing as per Coldlight and Kogetsu's suggestion, based on Jinnai being male
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Old 2012-02-24, 15:23   Link #116
Sol Falling
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Hahaha, oh man. I guess I'll take it as an honour to have the yuri harem end named after me. I don't think I was the first commentor to mention it, but I'll admit I was probably the most persistent. Well, I certainly enjoyed reading it, and it seems to be an unambiguously happy end. The re-establishment of the "sexual Soul Gem cleansing" mechanic also feels like it's giving me some sense of what you meant when you said there is a method to your "madness". Now that I think of it, with this being a visual novel style narrative involving romances with all of the heroines such a mechanic seems appropriate. If a romantic relationship somewhat ensures a happy ending for a couple, then surely it makes sense for a harem ending to be one of the happiest ones in general.

As to the Emperor Jinnai plot thread. First off, I have to say that you significantly reigned in the "foreign" feeling I had about his character with the revelation that he is a "magical human". Particularly, I think the way his existence has integrated with some of the other posters' comments about why Kyuubey only contracts with girls undergoing puberty does a really good job of expanding the setting/universe of this story. So you've done some pleasing development with that.

Additionally, I have to admit I was also happy to see Madoka stepping up to oppose him and deciding not to take anymore of his bullshit fairly decisively. In the end, with Madoka's greater strength inherently, I wonder whether you intend to use Jinnai all the way to the end as the final villain in this chain of the story. Now that the world has been rearranged to make him the ruler of earth's nations politically, I suppose overcoming the consequences isn't simply a matter of defeating him physically. If there's a chance for it, I think it might be potentially interesting to see him interacting with or reacting to the arrival of Walpurgisnacht as well.

In the end, though, I do have one minor complaint/criticism in that I don't really think Jinnai's plan to force Madoka to make that wish for him was genuinely airtight, nor could it have been. Although Madoka did have the potential of Sayaka's death hanging over her, I feel like part of the inherent nature of the wishing system is that one can wish for literally anything. If Madoka had decided to refuse Jinnai by, for example, declaring "I wish for Sayaka and Homura to be safe", I do think that, whatever machines Jinnai might have had, he wouldn't have been able to prevent it. Still, though, with Madoka taking decisive action so soon in this chapter immediately afterwards, I think I would be willing to accept the explanation that that course of action simply didn't occur to her.

Good update. Thanks for the read .
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Old 2012-02-25, 09:35   Link #117
Triple_R
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Now, to get to some of the great replies from the fanfic's readers.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Sol Falling View Post
Hahaha, oh man. I guess I'll take it as an honour to have the yuri harem end named after me.
I figured you'd like that.

Quote:
I don't think I was the first commentor to mention it, but I'll admit I was probably the most persistent. Well, I certainly enjoyed reading it, and it seems to be an unambiguously happy end.
I'm glad you enjoyed it.

But I will be honest here - This will probably be the only "harem end" because I can't imagine many plausible ways for it to unfold (particularly given Madoka's personality). But I can kind of see Mami taking the stance she took here as it pertains to Sayaka, and I can kind of see Madoka going along with that stance after a lot of convincing. And I can also see Homura taking advantage of that given her passionate feelings for Madoka.

Circumstances kind of conspired here to make it all half-way plausible, lol.

Quote:
The re-establishment of the "sexual Soul Gem cleansing" mechanic also feels like it's giving me some sense of what you meant when you said there is a method to your "madness". Now that I think of it, with this being a visual novel style narrative involving romances with all of the heroines such a mechanic seems appropriate.
That's much of my thinking as well. It actually reminds me a bit of some similar mechanics in actual VNs (especially the Key ones).

Quote:
As to the Emperor Jinnai plot thread. First off, I have to say that you significantly reigned in the "foreign" feeling I had about his character with the revelation that he is a "magical human". Particularly, I think the way his existence has integrated with some of the other posters' comments about why Kyuubey only contracts with girls undergoing puberty does a really good job of expanding the setting/universe of this story. So you've done some pleasing development with that.
Thanks! Yes, I do think that the experience with Jinnai could factor in to the Incubators decision to only contract with girls undergoing puberty.

But there is another reason here that I'll either put into the canon narrative itself, or reveal on this thread later.

Quote:

Additionally, I have to admit I was also happy to see Madoka stepping up to oppose him and deciding not to take anymore of his bullshit fairly decisively.
A big part of the reason why I incorporated Jinnai into this story is because I think it would be interesting to see Madoka challenged by a much more overt, and directly adversarial, villain than what Kyubey is. Indeed, even just anger itself is an emotion we see very, very little of from Madoka in the actual anime. A seriously angry Madoka is pretty unique (and hence interesting), but it should be possible. She is human, after all.

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In the end, with Madoka's greater strength inherently, I wonder whether you intend to use Jinnai all the way to the end as the final villain in this chain of the story. Now that the world has been rearranged to make him the ruler of earth's nations politically, I suppose overcoming the consequences isn't simply a matter of defeating him physically. If there's a chance for it, I think it might be potentially interesting to see him interacting with or reacting to the arrival of Walpurgisnacht as well.
This is the sort of feedback that's particularly helpful to me, giving suggestions on where you'd like to see the story go next. I'll definitely keep it in mind.

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In the end, though, I do have one minor complaint/criticism in that I don't really think Jinnai's plan to force Madoka to make that wish for him was genuinely airtight, nor could it have been.
How can you make someone safe if they've already been killed by gunshots? By the time Madoka would be finished saying her wish, Sayaka would be dead.

I personally think that Jinnai's plan was pretty airtight. At the very least, it was as airtight as it could possibly be. I definitely think that it's worth it to have the threat of one wrong word from Madoka resulting in instant gunfire to Sayaka at point blank range. Better that than nothing at all, certainly. It would be foolish to have no countermeasures whatosever in place against Madoka making an undesirable wish.

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Good update. Thanks for the read .
Thanks!


As for your reply to the previous chapter, just read what I wrote in my response to Kogetsu below when it comes to my thinking on these early-to-mid special ends. Thanks for the info on the Chikane image. I replaced it with another one.

Glad this temporary format change didn't bother you.


Now, for some older replies. I'll put them in spoiler space.



Spoiler for Kogetsu Shirogane reply:



Spoiler for night_sentinel reply:
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Old 2012-02-25, 11:33   Link #118
Kogetsu Shirogane
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Oh dear, seems I'm slipping a bit on response time.

Quite an update, I must say. Was worth the wait.

Spoiler for Mami Returns!:


As for the other side of things...

Spoiler for Alliance:


Let's see... did I say I enjoyed it yet? Better to be safe and say it again than risk not saying it at all.

Great update here, looking forward to the next one.
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... well at least it's consistent...

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Old 2012-02-28, 06:59   Link #119
Coldlight
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Feedback flood warning. This is a more inclusive feedback post, as per Triple_R's hope that I also give some feedback for the other chains that I'm not following.
Spoiler for Mami Lives, Chapter 4: Mami Romance Chain:

Spoiler for Chapter 10: Canon Route Chain:


Spoiler for Chapter 11: Short Chain:


Spoiler for Chapter 11: Homura/Sayaka Alliance Chain:

Whew, finally done. I realized I'm rather slow, inefficient (and easily distracted ) at making huge posts like this. (It actually took me hours to finish all this)
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Old 2012-02-29, 21:22   Link #120
Triple_R
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A progress update for all of my readers (after which I'll have a few points to make to Kogetsu and Coldlight in particular).

Unfortunately, I've hit a bit of a writer's block.

The good news is that I have the basic plotline of Mami Lives/Mami Romance Chain planned out in my mind right to the end, probably taking up five more chapters. The bad news is that I'm struggling a bit with the dialogue for it, so that might take awhile to write.

With Mami Lives/Sayaka Romance, I have some ideas there, and have the basic plotline for that planned out two chapters ahead.

Mami Lives/"No Romance Yet" I'm a bit uncertain of so far, but I have a couple different ideas here. Would my readers mind if I just did a massive time-skip here, and just briefly describe what happens here while the other girls all do their thing with Madoka moping about as the only non-magical girl and with no girlfriends yet? My current plans for Mami Lives/Homura romance is that the Homura romance likely won't start until AFTER the WN fight anyway.

Canon Route I have some ideas for, and much of it writes itself of course, lol.

Sol has given me much to think about on Homura/Sayaka Alliance Chain, and I'll be playing through some scenarios in my head for that.


Anyway, this all leads to a few feedback requests I'd like to make of my regular readership, as that might help me break through this writer's block:

1) How much longer, in general, would you like the story to be? With the Mami Lives and Homura/Sayaka Alliance chains, there's no hard and fast rules here at all. With the Canon Narrative, I want to stick to the anime fairly closely, but even here I could skip over quite a few scenes where Madoka is not on camera if that's what people would prefer.

2) What do you hope to see with each romance route? Basically, how elaborate would you like each romance to be? Time constraints will be a factor to some degree of course (Madoka/Mami can go very long, Madoka/Kyouko will have to be at least a bit brief), but I'm wondering how much time you'd like me to spend completely away from action/drama/suspense to simply focus on "yummy Romance" shall we say. 2 Chapters per girl per route sound about right, or would you prefer more or less?

3) I've been thinking of splitting all future Mami Lives Chapters into three sections instead of the current two. 1 for Mami Romance, 1 for Sayaka romance, and 1 for "No Romance Yet". The alternative to that would be to stick to the current format (Mami Romance/Mami Friendship) and have lots of split spoiler space sections for parts focusing on MadoSaya and parts focusing on Madoka-no romance. Do my readers have any preference here?

4) How do readers feel about the overall narrative complexity at this point? Too complex, too straightforward, or just right? I'm kind of worried its become too complex (or just too long) since I seem to have lost a few readers since this fanfic began.



Now, to address Coldlight and Kogetsu directly - Excellent feedback guys! Both of you have great replies that are very helpful.

As per your replies, I've made the following changes:

1. The first post on this thread now includes an Index. Please check it out and tell me if you find this satisfactory or not.

2. Madoka shooting at Kyouko in one section has been changed to be a grazing blow, and also a shot where Madoka was careful to only use a bit of her power.

3. Jinnai now refers to himself as a "magus". I know that was a concern that both of you had (Kogetsu brought it up to me elsewhere).


Now, Coldlight, I do see the nuanced difference in Sayaka's dialogue that you brought up there. Sayaka seems slightly more mature/serious with the subs you had, and so I might later edit some dialogue there. I think I have Sayaka sounding pretty mature/serious over in Mami Lives, so that might make for a wise edit choice.

You should know, Coldlight, that Kogetsu liked Sayaka having a brief villainous laugh. Since you're split on that, I'll probably stick with the laugh. I won't have anything else like it though unless Sayaka snaps somehow (such as going into Berserker mode).

Finally, Coldlight, I'm curious to know where you get the bit about Kyubey ruling out wishing people back to life. I honestly don't recall seeing that at all in the anime. Given your wizardry with Madoka Magica screenshots that's second to none, it might be nice if you can show us a specific screenshot pertaining to Kyubey making an Aladdin's Genie-like claim of "No wishing people back from the dead!".


Anyway, that's all for now. Hopefully my Writer's Block will be over soon. But the good thing about it, is that it probably makes for a good opportunity to take some suggestions from my readers.

There's a few key scenes and scenarios that I want to write for my own enjoyment, I'll admit, but aside from that I just want to write something that's good and will be well-received. So any suggestions you guys want to make, I'm all-ears.
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