Dating

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

Well, the main reasons I'm feeling the jitters about marriage are these;

1) Lifestyle changes. These days, I go to work, knock off, and come back home to kill the rest of the night with my own hobbies. She goes to work, knocks off (or does OT), and goes back to her place at night and does her own thing. She comes over on the weekend, and depending on each other's schedules, we either go on an outing or otherwise just stay in my room, and she basically enjoys my bed.

It's a pretty comfortable way of life for the both of us currently. That sure as hell is going to change after marriage, and at this point, I'm not sure whether I'm ready to face such a great turning point in my life.

For some reason I thought you two were already living together. OK, this one I understand: that's a big change.

It's really too bad that living together as an unmarried couple is still viewed as being a bit scandalous. I think it's the ultimate test of the relationship. When you live together, the relationship is no longer a convenience or activity that you do on occasion. It is 24/7, and you are exposed to every aspect of the person. You discover things about the person that you might not have realized previously, and you get a sense of how compatible you really are.

Of course, it's not that living together forces you to be joined at the hip. Sure, if you live in a box then you're forced to get more face time, but there's no absolute obligation to do things together. Case in point, my wife and I love to be around each other, and we've lived in tiny apartments: we have two L-shaped desks that are joined together, but even though we're in close proximity, we'll do our own things. Obviously that means I need to use headphones if I want to listen to music that she doesn't like, or if she's studying, but it's not a huge issue.

And if you're not living in a box, all the better! Take one room as your den or study (what ever they call it in Singapore), and use that as your own personal space. Just don't spend all of your time there, lest your wife-to-be feel neglected

The only way to really get over this one is to see what it's like to live together. You don't even need to change your current living arrangement. Pack a suitcase, and live at her place for a week. Then switch, and have her live at your place. Cycle like that for a month or more. It may be a bit uncomfortable at first, but the point will be to see how you feel about being around her all of the time like that. Unless you were planning on having a mansion and having separate bedrooms, you're going to be doing that anyway, so why not try it out? Think of it as the final compatibility test to take before making the big commitment.

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

2) Speaking of kids, remember my concerns a few years back about my family history. Yeah, that's going to come back to haunt me again. Not anytime soon; she's seen my point about doing what she can with her youth before settling down and starting a family, but she's still going to want a child eventually. And when that time comes, I don't think I can refuse her.

So, yeah. Yet another one of those things I know I'm going to sign myself up for once I've signed the document in my own blood.

You might have to refresh my memory about your history... but all the same, the child issue is a big one. In America, at least, the top two reasons why marriages end in divorce is over finances (#1) and disagreement over whether or not to have a child (#2). If the issue is over when to have a child, that's not a big deal. If the issue is over whether to have a child or not, that's something you need to work out before getting married.

As to "being an adult" - what parent has their first child and feels like they're a true adult, and ready to be a parent? Even if people were expecting and wanting a child, I'm sure most have thought to themselves "how the heck am I going to do this, I still feel like a kid, myself." Consider how old your parents were when they had you: were they really that much older than you are now? And things weren't so different back then, either. Since I'm childless at the moment I'm obviously speculating, but I'm pretty sure it's one of those things where you rise to the occasion.

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

3) Finances. She's currently in a better-paying job than I am, and has more savings to go along with it. It'll probably still be the case by the time we get married for real, not that it should pose much of a problem; she's perfectly fine with being the main breadwinner, and (knowing her ) I'm probably going to have to pull most of the weight in terms of housekeeping anyway.

Even so, I don't feel comfortable signing our lives together until I at least have a comfortable amount of savings, and have progressed somewhat further than I currently have in my career. If I were to put it in a nicer-sounding way, I want to avoid having her sign her life to some complete deadbeat. If I were to put it in a completely ego-centric way? I want to prove to myself that I'm at least not a complete deadbeat by that time.

Male pride stuff. I won't knock it, but I think it's overrated. Does she care that she's making more than you? Will you be able to match or exceed her salary before then?

I'm not trying to discredit your feelings and desire to feel worthy, but consider what you're trying to accomplish. You're holding up the advancement of your relationship with the woman you plan to merge your life with over money. Is it worth it?

My line of reasoning with this stems from countless people who, on their death bed, would remark 'you know, looking back on it, I put the most time into my career and trying to make money, but that wasn't important. What was important was my family and friends. I wish I'd put more time and focus into that.' What you're trying to do is a little different, but I just wonder if you'd look back on this time, 20 years from now, and think to yourself, "that was silly. Why did I wait?" (Hopefully you'd think that, and not "why didn't I wait longer" )

Don't downplay your own feelings and values, of course, but take a hard look at whether it's something that really matters enough to delay over. If it really does matter to you, then don't bother with what I or anyone else thinks: prove to yourself that you're not a bum first, if that's what you need to do.

[ReaperxKingx]

All these questions are better solved with your partner Ascaloth. If you are nervous, best not to keep it in after the wedding otherwise you are literally sitting on a time bomb. Talking to each other and understanding the views of your partner is important for relationships. Although I think many will disagree with me, go visit a couple Councillor or as many would call it a "Shrink". Best to lay out all your doubts on the table, not for yourself but for your partner, she may have some doubts too. May take some time and a little bit of a hit to your pride, in the end results it is worth it.

[Dextro]

Originally Posted by ReaperxKingx

All these questions are better solved with your partner Ascaloth. If you are nervous, best not to keep it in after the wedding otherwise you are literally sitting on a time bomb. Talking to each other and understanding the views of your partner is important for relationships. Although I think many will disagree with me, go visit a couple Councillor or as many would call it a "Shrink". Best to lay out all your doubts on the table, not for yourself but for your partner, she may have some doubts too. May take some time and a little bit of a hit to your pride, in the end results it is worth it.

You're right, someone will disagree with you and it'll be me.

Don't get me wrong: I'm not one of those people that believes that "shrinks" are just quacks or anything like that but more that I believe that going to one is overkill for the case in point.

Ascaloth I can see exactly what's going through your mind: you feel like a kid (like most of us do) and you don't believe yourself to be ready to "become an adult" and I can understand that. I'm currently on my last year of college and have only 3 exams left before I graduate and it's already scaring the bejesus out of me just thinking how the hell am I going to get work on this damned economy and I don't have a relationship to worry about even.

I can however see that Ledgem has a very good point: you should talk this things out with your girlfriend and allow her to help you with this. All your doubts seem perfectly natural so just talk it out and maybe take up the advice of spending a couple of weeks/months living together at your parents place just to get the feel of it.

As for the children situation I won't comment since I don't know the details and I myself tend to get my own relationships torn apart when the subject comes up since I'm not really interested in having them (and most girls I've been with have been of the opposing opinion on that matter which, as has been mentioned before, is a very vital subject to many people).

[csuree]

Spoiler for click to see the rest....(page would be too long, if no spoiler-tag here):

Originally Posted by Ledgem

That's fine. You are who you are - you may not be very similar to everyone else, but there's nothing to be ashamed or worried about. It only means that you may have a harder time finding someone with shared interests as you. However, you don't need to expect that, either: it's fine to be in a relationship with someone who has different hobbies and interests. As long as you both have enough overlap in activities that you can enjoy spending time together, and as long as you don't expect to find someone with all of the same interests, you'll be fine.

Keep in mind that a relationship changes both people who enter into it. You may give up some of your hobbies for her and take up some of hers; she may give up some of hers and take up some of yours. What matters the most is that the both of you have similar values and goals for the relationship.


The downside to the "friendship approach" is that it's more difficult to enter into a romantic relationship. The upside is that when you do enter into one, it's probably going to be stronger and more serious.

The idea behind the "friend zone" isn't an exact science, but the psychology behind it makes sense. If you know a girl for a year and haven't made a move on her, and she doesn't seem attracted to you, then it makes sense that you're too late: she has grown comfortable with the relationship as it is, and may not be able to see herself with you. However, it's fine to get to know someone for a few weeks, and then make a move. Don't feel pressured to ask people out after meeting them one or two times.

As to being shy, this is something that you can work on. You need to change how you view yourself. Why are you blushing when you talk to someone that you're attracted to? Are you embarrassed? Is it wrong for a man to be attracted to a woman, and to express his interest in her? No, of course not. Feel no shame in it: you are doing what you need to do, and whether the woman accepts or rejects you, she will feel pleased that someone expressed interest in her. So when you do this, feel confident and proud.


Why?

Is it because you're shy in general? I used to be very socially shy. I probably could have been diagnosed with a psychiatric condition: it was to the point where I couldn't eat with strangers, because I would feel so anxious that I'd feel terribly nauseous.

Is it because you're afraid of being rejected? I used to have that fear, too. Then - after days of agony - I finally asked a girl out. I was rejected. I discovered that it didn't kill me, and suddenly it was as if a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Being rejected wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be.

In both cases (being shy and being afraid of rejection), what ultimately allowed me to turn things around was altering how I viewed myself. I used to think that I was a nice guy who was worth something, but my self-confidence was incredibly poor. I don't know if you feel the same way, but look at what you're writing: you're thinking that you're 24 and you've never dated. You're worried about it, because you're thinking that most people your age have already hooked up with many other people. Are you thinking that you're a loser, or that something is wrong with you?

Wipe that thought from your mind. Life is not a set pattern that everyone follows. So you haven't dated - so what? It doesn't say anything about you.

So alter your view of yourself. Recognize that if and when a girl rejects you, the only thing it means is that she wasn't interested. It does not mean that you're ugly, that you're stupid, that you're awkward, or that you have no chance with any woman. Not every girl will be interested; that's life. Get used to it, accept it, and let it roll off of you. Instead of focusing on yourself, be happy that you asked her out at all, knowing that it's a confidence booster for her. At the very least, focusing on it that way should help you to simply ask.

Are you still not feeling worthwhile, or like you're attractive? Go to the gym. I'm not even talking about body-building, this is psychological: by going to the gym, lifting some weights, or doing some form of workout, you will feel better about yourself. In the back of your mind you'll think "I work out" and you will feel more powerful. It's only a bonus if you work out for long enough to build up some sort of physique (assuming you don't already have it).


Take a walk outside. See any women? You can talk to any one of them.

Now granted, talking to women on the street doesn't put you at an advantage for going out with them. People on the street are generally trying to get somewhere and they're not expecting to be interrupted. Trying to talk to them might put them in a bad mood. But the point is that you don't need to be one man among tens or hundreds of women. If you're waiting for a bus or are at a coffee shop and you see a woman who looks interesting, just talk to her. If you find that she's actually unattractive to you and you don't want to pursue it further, you can break it off right there. Otherwise, push farther: try to get her number, or request to meet her again. You may not be successful... but then again, you might be successful. You won't know unless you try.

A lot of men refer to dating as a game. It sounds condescending to women, but in a certain way, thinking of it as a game isn't a bad way to go when it comes to finding new people. You get to know new people, you try to be as charming as possible, and you keep seeing how far you can advance the relationship. You won't always be successful, either, but hey - you have unlimited tries! As long as you don't take anything personally in those early stages, you're good to go.


Anything, but nothing too personal on your end. Small talk is a skill that comes with experience. Once you start talking about things that really matter to you, that you're really passionate about, you're in danger of monopolizing the conversation or polarizing your conversation partner. If those topics come up, keep it light and don't go too deep. Above all, try to keep the conversation either about her, or about something that she seems engaged in.

And again, remember not to take anything too personally, or to invest too much of yourself in these encounters. If you do, you'll find yourself very hurt by each rejection (or perceived rejection), and you'll feel too drained by each unsuccessful encounter to keep trying for more. At this point it's a matter of quantity over quality. If you find someone interesting who seems like they might be interested back, that's when you put more focus and energy into it.


How did the fire die out? Did you meet with these girls as friends, or were you actively trying to charm them? Were you actively asking them for another date, or were you waiting for them to get back to you?

Whether it's internet dating or not, you need to be persistent. The difficulty is finding a balance: you need to be persistent, but not so persistent that you frighten them off.

Originally Posted by Ledgem

The only experience you need is in making those connections with women. As far as serious relationships go, no amount of experience can really make a serious relationship. What matters in a serious relationship is that both people involved want to be in it, they both have similar values, they both value each other, and they both have similar long-term goals for their lives together. The only way to achieve that is partially by chance (meeting the right person) and by talking it out once you're in the relationship.

Here's my challenge to you, to push you to where you need to be. When you go out today (or tomorrow, if you're reading this at night), I want you to make eye contact with the strangers that you encounter in your day-to-day routine. Don't stare them down, but glance at their eyes, and if they glance back, hold that for a second before looking away. If you lock eyes with an attractive woman, give her a small smile before looking away. Get into the habit of doing this: making eye contact makes random encounters to be more likely. This applies to both romance and business.

The challenge continues. I want you to go to a coffee shop (or a bar, if you're into that). Find a woman who is alone (or who is with one female friend, although that makes it slightly more challenging). Don't even give yourself time to think and over-analyze the situation: just talk to her. Ask her how the book she's reading is, or about the drink/food she has, or about how she feels the temperature in the establishment is - anything. (Although that last one is a little weak.) If you want to go for the gold, keep it going: tell her your first name (ideally she'll give you hers, at least to be polite), and try to come up with more things to say and talk about.

Most likely nothing will come from doing either of those two things. Don't expect it to: this is a process. At the end of the process you will not think of yourself as a shy person, and going through these encounters will not seem like a big deal. I promise you. And if you happen to get brushed off or told off with one of these challenges, don't take it personally: we'll laugh it off together. Your technique may need some work, and there's plenty of time to figure that out and try again.

You're unhappy with the way things are going. Push yourself and change it up.

Thank you very much for the advice. The problem is now clear to me now that i got it in my face. I'm shy because I'm afraid of rejection, and tend to be passive because of this that is why i did not advance further when i met up with girls,

I like your challenge and i will take it up, starting today i will make the eye-contacts and the smiles, i will go up to talk to girls, and not put my "heart" in it, so i can brush it off as nothing, if i get rejected.

I will also try to block out my though-processes, because I'm a fast thinker and by the time i walk to the girl i have already had simulated 100k of failed scenarios and that gives me no confidence at all. I will try the usual "be cool, nothing bad is gonna happen" , heck i might even lay her :P

these were some pro advice, i will keep you updated on the process, and if needed i will ask for some suggestions.

<<confidence booster activated>>
<<activating bad-ass mode>>

Hope that i won't get an epic fail now

Thanks again

[word sux]

I think I have met a real life tsundere, here is the story..


There is a new girl at my second job (me= chef she= waitress), she seem really nice to everyone else but me. She always gives me this dirty look when I ask for anything and will hardly talk to me. I have done nothing to deserve such treatment and I am the only one she acts like this towards. I have been nothing but nice to her and never done anything that could upset her in anyway..

I think she much like me because I am the only one that she acts like this towards and I am also not the only one that notices it..


thoughts?

[Ascaloth]

Originally Posted by Ledgem

For some reason I thought you two were already living together. OK, this one I understand: that's a big change.

It's really too bad that living together as an unmarried couple is still viewed as being a bit scandalous. I think it's the ultimate test of the relationship. When you live together, the relationship is no longer a convenience or activity that you do on occasion. It is 24/7, and you are exposed to every aspect of the person. You discover things about the person that you might not have realized previously, and you get a sense of how compatible you really are.

Of course, it's not that living together forces you to be joined at the hip. Sure, if you live in a box then you're forced to get more face time, but there's no absolute obligation to do things together. Case in point, my wife and I love to be around each other, and we've lived in tiny apartments: we have two L-shaped desks that are joined together, but even though we're in close proximity, we'll do our own things. Obviously that means I need to use headphones if I want to listen to music that she doesn't like, or if she's studying, but it's not a huge issue.

And if you're not living in a box, all the better! Take one room as your den or study (what ever they call it in Singapore), and use that as your own personal space. Just don't spend all of your time there, lest your wife-to-be feel neglected

The only way to really get over this one is to see what it's like to live together. You don't even need to change your current living arrangement. Pack a suitcase, and live at her place for a week. Then switch, and have her live at your place. Cycle like that for a month or more. It may be a bit uncomfortable at first, but the point will be to see how you feel about being around her all of the time like that. Unless you were planning on having a mansion and having separate bedrooms, you're going to be doing that anyway, so why not try it out? Think of it as the final compatibility test to take before making the big commitment.

Oh. Well, it's not possible to stay at her place (it's a rented room, and I don't think the home owners will be too thrilled about that), but she has stayed over for more than a week at a time on occasion. So yeah, not exactly the 24/7 of what you suggested, but probably close enough that I'm pretty sure 'having to see each other day in day out' is probably going to be the least of our worries.

Actually, my worries are more about making our place a 'home', if you get my meaning. It's not just acquiring a place, but it's also about the work needed to make it 'home' such as getting the money for the furniture, moving stuff, handling the bills, housework etc.

And then there's the fact that, because she's a foreigner, the process to get us officially registered as a married couple is going to be quite a bit more complicated than if I were to marry a local girl (while I'm at it, thanks to SaintessHeart for the assistance he has rendered ). Who knows what other legal matters are going to crop up in the future too; there's a reason why Singapore is called a Little Red Dot, and that's because the dot is covered all over with red tape.

You know, adult stuff. And not the enjoyable kind.

You might have to refresh my memory about your history... but all the same, the child issue is a big one. In America, at least, the top two reasons why marriages end in divorce is over finances (#1) and disagreement over whether or not to have a child (#2). If the issue is over when to have a child, that's not a big deal. If the issue is over whether to have a child or not, that's something you need to work out before getting married.

As to "being an adult" - what parent has their first child and feels like they're a true adult, and ready to be a parent? Even if people were expecting and wanting a child, I'm sure most have thought to themselves "how the heck am I going to do this, I still feel like a kid, myself." Consider how old your parents were when they had you: were they really that much older than you are now? And things weren't so different back then, either. Since I'm childless at the moment I'm obviously speculating, but I'm pretty sure it's one of those things where you rise to the occasion.

I'm not surprised you can't recall the specifics of my family history, since there's nothing to recall; I was never too detailed about it, heh.

To be concise, the autism spectrum runs in my blood. I realise that any genetic links to the condition are inconclusive at best, but if I look just at my personal family history alone, I'm inclined to think there's some truth to the matter at the very least. She is well aware of the matter, and she has indicated she'll stay with me regardless of that. Still, I'm not comfortable with the possibility that there's a chance she'll have to suffer what my mother has.

Frankly, if not for this, the fact that my country is a shitty place to raise a kid these days, and my personal (and probably childish) indisposition towards having to deal with potential brattiness (and if a child of my girl breeds true, he/she will be a brat alright lol ), I honestly would not mind. As it is though, I can't help feeling the cards are stacked against me. :/

Male pride stuff. I won't knock it, but I think it's overrated. Does she care that she's making more than you? Will you be able to match or exceed her salary before then?

I'm not trying to discredit your feelings and desire to feel worthy, but consider what you're trying to accomplish. You're holding up the advancement of your relationship with the woman you plan to merge your life with over money. Is it worth it?

My line of reasoning with this stems from countless people who, on their death bed, would remark 'you know, looking back on it, I put the most time into my career and trying to make money, but that wasn't important. What was important was my family and friends. I wish I'd put more time and focus into that.' What you're trying to do is a little different, but I just wonder if you'd look back on this time, 20 years from now, and think to yourself, "that was silly. Why did I wait?" (Hopefully you'd think that, and not "why didn't I wait longer" )

Don't downplay your own feelings and values, of course, but take a hard look at whether it's something that really matters enough to delay over. If it really does matter to you, then don't bother with what I or anyone else thinks: prove to yourself that you're not a bum first, if that's what you need to do.

Yeah, I know. It's why I said I don't have a good reason not to go through with it, haha!

Yeah, she doesn't care that she earns more than I do; I think part of it is because she comes from such a background herself. I don't believe that's really going to change in the future either, since she is a more capable person than I am in general.

Even so, I guess what I'm really aiming to do is to prove to myself that I'm ready to take on the responsibilities; I need to know I can pull my weight in the household, and it really doesn't matter to me how as long as I can do it. It's part of why I asked you guys to psych me up, too.

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

Actually, my worries are more about making our place a 'home', if you get my meaning. It's not just acquiring a place, but it's also about the work needed to make it 'home' such as getting the money for the furniture, moving stuff, handling the bills, housework etc.

And then there's the fact that, because she's a foreigner, the process to get us officially registered as a married couple is going to be quite a bit more complicated than if I were to marry a local girl (while I'm at it, thanks to SaintessHeart for the assistance he has rendered ). Who knows what other legal matters are going to crop up in the future too; there's a reason why Singapore is called a Little Red Dot, and that's because the dot is covered all over with red tape.

You know, adult stuff. And not the enjoyable kind.

Since I don't know the specifics within Singapore I suppose I can't really comment. But two things:

1) With regard to the home situation, you're not necessarily finding a place to live for life. My wife and I found the cheapest apartment we could live in (apartments, really - we've already moved three times since getting married), and we bought all of our stuff second-hand (realistically it was probably tenth-hand, if not more used than that). Saved a ton of money in the process.

The point is, it's OK to take it slowly and start out with poor stuff. Aside from being normal, it's a nice shared experience, and it will make you appreciate the nicer things that you gain as you advance through life.

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

To be concise, the autism spectrum runs in my blood. I realise that any genetic links to the condition are inconclusive at best, but if I look just at my personal family history alone, I'm inclined to think there's some truth to the matter at the very least. She is well aware of the matter, and she has indicated she'll stay with me regardless of that. Still, I'm not comfortable with the possibility that there's a chance she'll have to suffer what my mother has.

Frankly, if not for this, the fact that my country is a shitty place to raise a kid these days, and my personal (and probably childish) indisposition towards having to deal with potential brattiness (and if a child of my girl breeds true, he/she will be a brat alright lol ), I honestly would not mind. As it is though, I can't help feeling the cards are stacked against me. :/

While we don't know enough about autism to say anything specific about it, one thing that you're probably aware of (or should be aware of) is the incidence of birth defect-type conditions rises with a woman's age. I don't recall any specific data indicating that autism also follows with that trend, but I wouldn't be surprised. Based on the data, the rate of birth defects experiences only a very slow, almost negligible rise up until around the age of 32. After that, the rates begin to increase.

That isn't to say that you need to pop those children out this instant, of course. Do it when you're ready. But you don't have forever to wait.

Brattiness in a child... to a degree it's inherent, but to a degree it's also learned. If that sort of thing worries you, talk with your girlfriend about it. Discuss parenting strategies that you could both take. Ultimately you're raising the child together as a team, after all: don't feel like you're in this alone.

As to Singapore being a bad place to raise a child, can you tell me a good place to raise a child in these times? And yes, limit yourself to planet Earth, let's not get too creative

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

Yeah, she doesn't care that she earns more than I do; I think part of it is because she comes from such a background herself. I don't believe that's really going to change in the future either, since she is a more capable person than I am in general.

This is important. She may be more capable than you are in certain areas, but you are more capable than she is in certain areas. Within the relationship, you and she both complement each other's strengths and fill in for each other's weaknesses. If one of you two does not have a clear strength over the other for a particular situation, you work together.

It's good to admire your other half, but don't do it to the point of feeling like you contribute nothing. It's very easy to downplay your own contributions. Perhaps you've been doing that for a while now; it may explain you want to prove your own worth/contributions through salary.

Remember, your girlfriend is with you because she sees something in you. You are not just some sperm donor to her. Your worth in the relationship is not based on how much money you bring into it, but rather in the fact that the relationship exists only because of who you are (and who she is). It's been two years, you said; by now you surely know that a good relationship might feel fairly effortless, but there's actually a lot of work and effort that goes into it. Take some credit!

[rio]

I want to know other's opinions..

I had a bad experience thesedays. I had a close male friend and he had talked to me and visited my apartment and I also had visited him. He had said he wants to tell me things. I was a shy girl and hadn't been open to others,so he had always cared about the fact.

He was really sarcastic and sadistic to me. He had talked to me in a bad manner just like he had tried to make me angry. I haven't had interested in him, since he was not my type.
He also said so to me.

He had always said he wants to be with a girl who is better than any girls he had dated.
He is a person who is making efforts to be a better person.

As I have been getting touch with him, I came to think he is just like me.
I am a such person, not be open just like him.

And I came to feel I have a special feeling to him though I didn't want to admit that.

But I stopped to meet him ,since I have been said to meet other man to marry(arranged marriage).Though I haven't marry that man.
That is a story of 1 year ago.

But 1 month ago, I had a decision to go back to my home town to work with my father.
I said to him so, since I thought he was my friend and sometimes I had a good feeling to him.
He said he had a will to meet me again to give me a farewell party.
He said he wanted to invite my friend since he didn't want to be alone with me.

We had a promise, but he didn't come to the party.
He called me after the party ended. He said he was busy for working.
But that must be a lie.


I was shocked. I haven't been getting over it.
I am always thinking about him. I don't know why he hadn't come to the party.

It's difficult. I have tried to understand him, but still I don't have the answer.
I am tortured.

Then , please tell me why the man had done such a thing to me?
I want to know that.

[Paranoid Android]

Originally Posted by rio

Spoiler for Length:

I want to know other's opinions..

I had a bad experience thesedays. I had a close male friend and he had talked to me and visited my apartment and I also had visited him. He had said he wants to tell me things. I was a shy girl and hadn't be open to others,so he had always cared about the fact.

He was really sarcastic and sadistic to me. He had talked to me in a bad manner just like he had tried to make me angry. I haven't had interested in him, since he was not my type.
He also said so to me.

He had always said he wants to be with a girl who is better than any girls he had dated.
He is a person who is making efforts to be a better person.

As I have been getting touch with him, I came to think he is just like me.
I am a such person, not be open just like him.

And I came to feel I have a special feeling to him though I didn't want to admit that.

But I stopped to meet him ,since I have been said to meet other man to marry(arranged marriage).Though I haven't marry that man.
That is a story of 1 year ago.

But 1 month ago, I had a decision to go back to my home town to work with my father.
I said to him so, since I thought he was my friend and sometimes I had a good feeling to him.
He said he had a will to meet me again to give me a farewell party.
He said he wanted to invite my friend since he didn't want to be alone with me.

We had a promise, but he didn't come to the party.
He called to me after the party ended. He said he was busy for working.
But that must be a lie.


I was shocked. I haven't been getting over it.
I am always thinking about him. I don't know why he hadn't come to the party.

It's difficult. I have tried to understand him, but still I don't have the answer.
I am tortured.

Then , please tell me why the man had done such a thing to me?
I want to know that.

Eh. I think I have had the same attitude as that friend of yours in the past. I don't feel comfortable saying what I think it is but it's really negative.

In a far-fetched way of describing, he felt 'tortured' long before and this is more of an expression of 'leave me be'. Don't sympathize with that kind of feeling though. It's a half-masochistic long-winded thought process that really has nothing to do with you but more of how he thinks.

If he hadn't called after, I wouldn't be so sure of your situation. But he obviously does not care about you in a friendly or romantic way. He might have already planned to not show up so he asked you to bring another friend so you don't show up alone. That would be just innate kindness that most people have. It's not something that is shown exclusively towards you.

=----------=
For what you can do from hereon; you can naturally forget about it and take it as a conclusion to any relationship. In the past when I acted as such, the girl involved in the drama spoke to me directly and called me all sorts of names. I didn't say anything back because there was nothing to be said. I don't think saying anything to your friend or not would make any difference.

In an already initiated relationship, I have screwed up where I completely forget to show up and called afterwards to apologize (BAAAD ;__; ). What I did was immediately schedule an all-day admission for the two of us at an amusement park as well as dinner at a 4 star restaurant, all on me. While the apology doesn't have to be wrapped in monetary expenses; a person that is genuinely sorry and concerned would go far far out of their way to prove to you they aren't purposely avoiding you. The person in your case did not.

You could make your love relationship/friendship work out if you really insist it by giving 150% while he gives 10%. It's not worth it at all for something so one-sided but that's for you to decide. I expected others to understand me without me understanding others when I acted like your friend did.

[rio]

Originally Posted by Paranoid Android

[/SPOILER]
Eh. I think I have had the same attitude as that friend of yours in the past. I don't feel comfortable saying what I think it is but it's really negative.

In a far-fetched way of describing, he felt 'tortured' long before and this is more of an expression of 'leave me be'. Don't sympathize with that kind of feeling though. It's a half-masochistic long-winded thought process that really has nothing to do with you but more of how he thinks.

If he hadn't called after, I wouldn't be so sure of your situation. But he obviously does not care about you in a friendly or romantic way. He might have already planned to not show up so he asked you to bring another friend so you don't show up alone. That would be just innate kindness that most people have. It's not something that is shown exclusively towards you.

=----------=
For what you can do from hereon; you can naturally forget about it and take it as a conclusion to any relationship. In the past when I acted as such, the girl involved in the drama spoke to me directly and called me all sorts of names. I didn't say anything back because there was nothing to be said. I don't think saying anything to your friend or not would make any difference.

You could make your love relationship/friendship work out if you really insist it by giving 150% while he gives 10%. It's not worth it at all for something so one-sided but that's for you to decide. I expected others to understand me without me understanding others when I acted like your friend did.

Thank you for the reply.

I don't want to have a relationship with him. I just want to get the feeling out of myself so considering why he was like that .

And I want to add these :
He tried to talk to me at first, and telephoned to me and visited me..
And he stopped to send e-mail after I said I'll meet a guy for arranged marriage.


And about the party, he changed the day we had planned at first for he was busy , and decided to meet on another day.

What I can assume is, he had changed his mind. He had wanted to have the party, but gradually he hadn't been willing to go there and meet me.
But not sure .

Anyway, as you say, I had better to find another person .
But I have been attractted to guys who's looks are just like the man thesedays,so I think I'd better to find the way to forget the incident and solve the situation.

[Ascaloth]

Originally Posted by Ledgem

1) With regard to the home situation, you're not necessarily finding a place to live for life. My wife and I found the cheapest apartment we could live in (apartments, really - we've already moved three times since getting married), and we bought all of our stuff second-hand (realistically it was probably tenth-hand, if not more used than that). Saved a ton of money in the process.

The point is, it's OK to take it slowly and start out with poor stuff. Aside from being normal, it's a nice shared experience, and it will make you appreciate the nicer things that you gain as you advance through life.

I wish I had the 'cheapest apartment' choice to make here; when I said finding a place is a lottery in Singapore, I meant it literally. The housing authority here does have all the discretion to dole out newly-built apartments at their pleasure, and only married couples can apply (one more reason why I SHOULD go ahead with it, I guess). It's not even a waiting list; the way people get their allotments, it is a freaking lottery. Older apartments are not an option; it's not easy to find one as it is, AND I'll be giving up the housing subsidy for married couples if I took that option, so those would actually turn out more expensive.

At least getting cheap second-hand furniture IS an option here. Probably.

While we don't know enough about autism to say anything specific about it, one thing that you're probably aware of (or should be aware of) is the incidence of birth defect-type conditions rises with a woman's age. I don't recall any specific data indicating that autism also follows with that trend, but I wouldn't be surprised. Based on the data, the rate of birth defects experiences only a very slow, almost negligible rise up until around the age of 32. After that, the rates begin to increase.

That isn't to say that you need to pop those children out this instant, of course. Do it when you're ready. But you don't have forever to wait.

Brattiness in a child... to a degree it's inherent, but to a degree it's also learned. If that sort of thing worries you, talk with your girlfriend about it. Discuss parenting strategies that you could both take. Ultimately you're raising the child together as a team, after all: don't feel like you're in this alone.

If I only could. I know for a fact that she isn't ready to raise a child; every time I poked her for her reasons for wanting a child, her response is something along the lines of, "people tell me having a child is the greatest happiness in life, so I want to try it for myself." No consideration of the details or difficulties, at all.

At least it's not like she wants a child now, or even soon. She does have a to-do-before-30 list to go through.

As to Singapore being a bad place to raise a child, can you tell me a good place to raise a child in these times? And yes, limit yourself to planet Earth, let's not get too creative

I don't know about you, but I figured Middle Earth would be a good candidate. And yes, the place does exist on our planet. I think that should be a big enough clue for you to go on.

I've been there, I love the place, I think it'd be a great spot for someone to grow up in. No idea whether she'll go for it, though. :/

This is important. She may be more capable than you are in certain areas, but you are more capable than she is in certain areas. Within the relationship, you and she both complement each other's strengths and fill in for each other's weaknesses. If one of you two does not have a clear strength over the other for a particular situation, you work together.

It's good to admire your other half, but don't do it to the point of feeling like you contribute nothing. It's very easy to downplay your own contributions. Perhaps you've been doing that for a while now; it may explain you want to prove your own worth/contributions through salary.

Remember, your girlfriend is with you because she sees something in you. You are not just some sperm donor to her. Your worth in the relationship is not based on how much money you bring into it, but rather in the fact that the relationship exists only because of who you are (and who she is). It's been two years, you said; by now you surely know that a good relationship might feel fairly effortless, but there's actually a lot of work and effort that goes into it. Take some credit!

Heh, thanks for the vote of confidence, man.

I guess you're right, but even so, I feel like I can do even better than I am now, and feeling like I can do so on a regular basis will go a long way to making myself feel ready. To be honest, being able to contribute financially is really only just half of it; the other thing I want to be able to do before we tie the knot is to learn how to cook for real. She's going to need it.

[csuree]

Originally Posted by word sux

I think I have met a real life tsundere, here is the story..


There is a new girl at my second job (me= chef she= waitress), she seem really nice to everyone else but me. She always gives me this dirty look when I ask for anything and will hardly talk to me. I have done nothing to deserve such treatment and I am the only one she acts like this towards. I have been nothing but nice to her and never done anything that could upset her in anyway..

I think she much like me because I am the only one that she acts like this towards and I am also not the only one that notices it..


thoughts?

I think you did not meet a tsundere... a tsundere by definition acts cold(tsun) in the majority of time, but sometimes shows her affectionate, loving (dere) side as well.

because in your description of the situation ther was no hint of the dere personality, she is just tsun....

there are 2 causes she acts cold towards you,
1. she genuinely does not stand you, that is the worst scenario.
2. as you suggested she might have something for you but she tries to reject it acting cold.

there is one other scenario....You might have done something ,voluntarily or not, i don't know, you've got to figure it out, that might have caused her to be angry with you.

i had similar experience in high school, but it turned out that she genuinely hated me :P

I hope you the best, you should try to close the distance fast, flirt with her try to make her laugh, and ask her to a casual meeting in the city, (not a date) and at the end if it went well go for a kiss. cheek , lips any is fine just don't take it too long cause the uncertainty will consume you, (personal experience)

best of luck,


Oh by the way getting bck to your challenge Ledgem i have to postpone it for a few days cause i got assigned to another city 30 miles away and my whole day is occupied by work and commute, but from friday i will get some free time cause i'll be home by 4pm and then i will go out in the city flirting with girls :P and from the 15th the company is on holiday for 2 weeks so I will get things done in that time.

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

If I only could. I know for a fact that she isn't ready to raise a child; every time I poked her for her reasons for wanting a child, her response is something along the lines of, "people tell me having a child is the greatest happiness in life, so I want to try it for myself." No consideration of the details or difficulties, at all.

Well, you have time...

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

I guess you're right, but even so, I feel like I can do even better than I am now, and feeling like I can do so on a regular basis will go a long way to making myself feel ready. To be honest, being able to contribute financially is really only just half of it; the other thing I want to be able to do before we tie the knot is to learn how to cook for real. She's going to need it.

There's certainly nothing wrong with wanting to improve yourself; in fact, I think it's highly commendable. But for a goal like that, there's no defined end point. It's something that you can do while you're married, too. This situation sort of reminds me of one of my favorite quotes, actually:

"The greatest enemy of a good idea is the dream of a perfect plan."
-General Karl von Clausewitz

The point is, you don't have to be perfect before getting married. That's a life-long effort. If you want to make some smaller preparations and changes, sure, go ahead, but make sure that you're not delaying just because you have an idea of perfection that you want to achieve. It's OK if not everything is absolutely ideal: you can still go ahead with it.

Originally Posted by csuree

Oh by the way getting bck to your challenge Ledgem i have to postpone it for a few days cause i got assigned to another city 30 miles away and my whole day is occupied by work and commute, but from friday i will get some free time cause i'll be home by 4pm and then i will go out in the city flirting with girls :P and from the 15th the company is on holiday for 2 weeks so I will get things done in that time.

Are you sure you're not procrastinating? This is just a small challenge: just say a few words to a girl. You don't need to get her name or phone number. Are there girls in the city that you're in? Then you can do it.

I'll tell you the point of this challenge. Shyness is a combination of state of mind (telling yourself "I'm shy") and inexperience. Get yourself to talk to a few random girls, and you'll stop telling yourself "I'm shy" because you'll remember that you did some things that shy people don't do. The experience will also help you to get over your fears. You've probably heard a saying or two about how the fear of a thing is almost always worse than the thing itself? That's what it is in this case.

What's so scary about saying some words to a random girl? I remember what my fears were. "What will she think of me? What if she thinks I'm weird? What if I don't know what to say?" There's a common theme with those thoughts: worrying about how others perceive you. You don't even know this person, so there's no way you can tell what they're going to think. Worry about how you perceive yourself, and because you can't control what the other person is thinking, don't even try to second-guess it. If you perceive yourself well, almost everyone else will perceive you in the same manner. People can detect confidence, and they love it. So what if you stutter or have a moment where you can't think of something to say? If you focus on that and get all embarrassed, it looks bad. If you accept that it happened and don't care about it, the other person likely won't care, either. It's like that saying "it's not what you say, but how you say it." Get all flustered at yourself, and it's apparent; play it off as if nothing happened, and it's cool.

You reach that state of being partly by working on how you perceive yourself, and partly through experience. The two help to boost each other.

While we're on this subject, I wanted to share another thought with you. Have you ever heard that bit of advice passed around between guys, about how when you're single girls won't even look at you, and when you're dating, it seems like every girl is after you? Looking back, I'd say that there's some truth to that. After I starting dating the woman who became my wife I suddenly had tons of female friends, many of whom I felt would have lead to romantic relationships if I weren't already committed to someone. But the guys I talked to always seemed to think that it was because girls were somehow determining a guy's value based on whether another woman thought he was worth dating. That may happen in some cases, but I don't think it's the case most of the time.

Here's why. When you talk to a girl now, as a single man, you're probably worried about how she'll perceive you. You want her to view you favorably, so you get nervous. It's almost like taking an exam: you want to do everything right, but you're not sure what "right" is, because each woman is different. That's anxiety-provoking. When you're already dating someone, you don't care how other women perceive you because you already have someone in your life. Moreover, you're not doubting yourself. Some woman was attracted to you and decided to date you. Even if another woman told you that you were hideous and a total ass, you'd brush it off like it was nothing, because in the back of your mind you already know that there's a woman who feels the complete opposite.

As a result of that "invincibility," you're free to be yourself and to be open. So really, it isn't that already being in a relationship makes you attractive to other women. It's all about being able to show who you really are, and being able to engage in an open, friendly, and comfortable manner. You can be those things even as a single man, but you need to put yourself in the right frame of mind. That's much easier to do when you're already dating.

Last bit of advice for this post. Have you ever watched Densha Otoko? I'm talking about the drama, not the anime. If you haven't, I highly recommend it. The main character is someone that I think most of us on here could identify with to some level. I found it to be really inspirational, but in an inverted sort of way. In my case, a girl gave me her phone number. I was sitting, feeling shy and nervous about calling. Then a scene from Densha Otoko flashed through my mind, and I just thought "there's no way I'm going to allow myself to be that bad." That was the catalyst that pushed me over the edge to just press the "call" button. I'm thinking that, at least in the beginning, you might need a similar catalyst - something to just push you to act, so that you'll discover that you're fine and that there really wasn't anything to be worried about in the first place.

Good luck.

[csuree]

I perfectly understand what are you trying to say here. With the good state of mind of being confident in myself i can conquer my shyness, and have normal conversations with girls whom i am attracted to, without the possibility of failure.

I just have to shut out the thoughts that are telling me: "what will happen if....."
Because until i don't try I'll never know that she genuinely wanted to turn me down, or she might have been attracted but my short-comings had ruined the opportunity.

But even this has some disadvantages, cause you might go overboard with "being invincible" and get too cocky....not that the girls don't like it but some of them are turned down by such attitude. so i have to be extra careful, but in a casual manner so that it will not show signs of uncertainty,

Believe it or not i have subscribed to some seduction newsletters a couple of years ago, i have printed them out and studied them, and while i was doing things according to those advice (relaxed playfulness, the art of breaking the ice, and so on, i actually got a bit popular for a short time but i think because after this i did not keep up the social level i went back to the "geek form" again.

i think i will re-read those articles again and put them into action once more...

So the important thing is "i'm a winner no matter what happens".
Exercise will bring experience, experience will bring confidence, confidence will bring me love, and all the good things associated with it....

those were great points, thanks again.

About densha otoko, i searched for it and found some torrents but the download is sloooow, but i will search some more to make sure to get it.
usually movies, and good dramas make a great impression on me and tend to be imprinted so deep that it can make me change my way of life, if that is the case. this is how i got into my anime, manga, light novel, hobby 8 years ago, or car-tuning 11 years ago, or sci-fi 20 years ago.

thanks again, i'll keep you posted on the new developments shortly

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by csuree

But even this has some disadvantages, cause you might go overboard with "being invincible" and get too cocky....not that the girls don't like it but some of them are turned down by such attitude. so i have to be extra careful, but in a casual manner so that it will not show signs of uncertainty,

This is absolutely correct. It's all about striking a balance: you want to appear confident and certain of yourself, but you don't want to appear arrogant. There aren't many people who can strike that balance perfectly, but if you've ever seen someone who can do it... it's very impressive. (One of the few people I've seen do this was a big-time scientist. While giving a talk, someone asked him a question that he didn't know the answer to. I have never heard someone say "I don't know" in such a manner that made it seem as if he still knew everything. It was amazing.)

In your case, because you're on the extreme shy end of the spectrum, I don't think you need to worry too much about coming off as arrogant at this point. If you worry about being perceived as arrogant, you'll probably compensate and still come off as being too shy. Once you build up some confidence and feel more comfortable, that's when you should be wary of it. But truthfully, since you're already thinking about arrogance, my guess is that you won't reach the point of arrogance anyway.

Originally Posted by csuree

Believe it or not i have subscribed to some seduction newsletters a couple of years ago, i have printed them out and studied them, and while i was doing things according to those advice (relaxed playfulness, the art of breaking the ice, and so on, i actually got a bit popular for a short time but i think because after this i did not keep up the social level i went back to the "geek form" again.

If those worked for you, go for it. I know what you mean though: even for myself, if I remain isolated for too long then I need to get used to talking to people again. I don't know if that trait ever goes away.

Originally Posted by csuree

So the important thing is "i'm a winner no matter what happens".
Exercise will bring experience, experience will bring confidence, confidence will bring me love, and all the good things associated with it....

You've got it! I wish you lots of success, and look forward to hearing good things from you!

[HasuMasu]

Originally Posted by Detective-san

I remember around the same time last year I posted something about going to a party and getting the number of a girl I used to know. Long story short that didn't work out but it's okay. Well here I am approximately a year later, in a similar situation.

Okay, the party I was talking about last year is a yearly party around here. So this year i attended it once again and here I am much in the same situation I was in last time. From what I've just said you've probably figured out that I ran into another girl at this certain party, let's hide her under the name 'Mio'. Unlike the girl from last year she isn't someone that I used to know, in fact I've never seen her before. I was walking around with my friends when I saw a girl cosplaying, ofcourse I freaked out. It was beyond me why she would do that but it was enough of a shock that I couldn't think about anything else for the rest of the party.

Before everyone went home I saw her standing alone near the exit, I knew it was my chance to get her number but I backed off at the last moment and decided to go home...knowing I'd probably never see her again. But I couldn't let it be like that, I ran back and saw her walking away but I caught up with her and asked for her number.

Just sharing, hopefully I play my cards right and this time turns out better.

Just a little update, I got rejected.

What is this, a running gag!? Maybe I should stop attending that party every year.

[Ascaloth]

Originally Posted by Ledgem

There's certainly nothing wrong with wanting to improve yourself; in fact, I think it's highly commendable. But for a goal like that, there's no defined end point. It's something that you can do while you're married, too. This situation sort of reminds me of one of my favorite quotes, actually:

"The greatest enemy of a good idea is the dream of a perfect plan."
-General Karl von Clausewitz

The point is, you don't have to be perfect before getting married. That's a life-long effort. If you want to make some smaller preparations and changes, sure, go ahead, but make sure that you're not delaying just because you have an idea of perfection that you want to achieve. It's OK if not everything is absolutely ideal: you can still go ahead with it.

Sorry it took me this long to respond. You're right, I really shouldn't be so hung up on getting everything 'perfect'. Seems like I've yet to fully learn this lesson from way back when I began dating her.

Thanks, mate. This goes a long way in psyching myself up for the big event. I just hope it'll be enough to prevent me from freaking me out at the last minute.

Originally Posted by Detective-san

Just a little update, I got rejected.

What is this, a running gag!? Maybe I should stop attending that party every year.

1) Met the girl,
2) Got her number,
3) ???
4) Got rejected.

So, what's number 3?

[Ascaloth]

Originally Posted by Detective-san

^ Number 3 is the usual, well basically it was me trying o talk to her at school but failing for a number of reasons.

It's like those romcom montages where the dude tries to talk to the girl but he can't reach her because of crazy stuff like giant rocks falling from the sky or something.

I was wondering more about how the conversation went that led to her rejecting you, actually.

But it's okay, you tried. There's still plenty of time to come across the right one out there.

[NorthernFallout]

Never really write such stuff down in public, but hey... how about some self-realization that destroys oneself? Besides, I can practice some prose.

Spoiler for the stuff:

Some of you might remember I was talking myself warm about LDRs and how I got together with a girl I had known online for two years and that it could work fine. The way we connected amazed me. We were similar in many ways. We told each other we loved both of us very much and we would go far. We met 4 times over a 1 year period. The first 3 were a week, the 4th two weeks. Or it was supposed to.

That all ended tonight.

On the day she arrived on the 10th, something was wrong. I didn't really think about it. That feeling, however, remained for the next 4 days, culminating tonight. This feeling I had was a terrible self-realization: That I had lied to myself for the past 4 years. Well, maybe 2.

22 years old, and I was hooking up to a 30 year old amazing woman who were pretty much in the same stage as me: unemployed finishing school. I figured, hey, I know English pretty well and I'll never find anyone like her again! She might be religious with a crazy-kind family, but I can work through that. Besides, age doesn't matter.

But it did, in a way I hadn't anticipated. She's seen a bit more. She's met more people than me. When we talked, despite us both being quiet, I was more quiet. I wasn't struggling, exactly, with the English. I'm a pro at it, to be honest. But it's the little things. Little Swedish terms I use with friends and family that can't transfer. Those terms, I found, were profound. I couldn't be myself.

And then it hit me what I was doing. From what this woman was telling me, and from our discussions, I had given her the acknowledgment that we might get married in the future; that I would commit myself to her from now on.

That, I found, broke me. I didn't want that. Or did I? No. Maybe. No. I had thrown myself a safecard, in the belief that I sucked too much to move on with life without her. Ironically, she caused me to grow, resulting in this situation.

She did nothing wrong and I respect her greatly. That is why I choose to do it tonight, despite having 10 days left. If lucky, we can shorten it to 3 days. I will cope. She, though, I'm not so sure about.

I am not the sort of person that would run away from something that important. I am not the sort of person that will lie and deceive, though I had done some of that while I pondered. I would not be able to look at myself for being such a coward if I had. I could not kiss or ever hold her, as it would all be a lie.

I told her, face-to-face. I did not want to show her false affection for 10 days, though it would make it easier for her. I was bursting as it was. I did not want to lie, and then break up over Skype in text. No. That's the coward's way. That, at least, I can at least hold true to myself.

I hurt her badly, as she was quite shocked and unable to speak. It came from nowhere, and I should have told her sooner, I acknowledge that. But that was because I didn't really know.

To her I'm probably the biggest asshole in the world right now, and I acknowledge that. No matter the outcome, this would have been the result. But I did not want to have something false. She deserves something better, no matter how it hurts now.

I find calmness in the fact that though I was immature back then - and to the present - to realize I lied to myself, but that I was mature enough to face the problem now, which is something I have problem of doing usually. From the people I've talked to, it was the right thing to do.

An old chapter closes, a new chapter opens. LDRs work just fine, but more factors than I thought played into it. I am not mature enough for relationships, at least not LDR. I might be mature in my handling of the situation, though. Or, perhaps, it was still egoistical. Few things in life aren't.

Or what say you?

tl;dr: Broke up with LDR, didn't want to lead her on in a false belief as I dug my own hole deeper and deeper, crushed her heart out of nowhere with no alternatives, feel like an asshole, but won't emo and will move on and grow as a person.

[ReaperxKingx]

Originally Posted by Detective-san

^ I'm not too beat up about it, or maybe it just hasn't set in.

Anyway, I've been in a lot of these cases but for me this recent one was particularly interesting in hindsight. I remember how my first girlfriend and I never really broke up but because we weren't in the same grade level...well it just turned out that way.

Maybe that wasn't a real relationship if you didn't feel anything when it collapse. Anyway sorry to hear you got rejected, but there will be more girls in the future you'll meet and be interested in. Just don't give up in trying to find the right person for you, she'll come sooner or later.