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Old 2012-08-06, 10:17   Link #81
Orange Duke
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FlameSparkZ View Post
Well, the anime puts it in vague terms, and since the last chapters of the Novel's Vol 1 haven't been translated, I can't confirm it...but in Ch 8 of the manga, Haru reports to Kuroyukihime that Cyan Pile's Parent was executed by the Blue Legion.
Ah. That was in the English translation or the Japanese original? Because English translations are no longer 100% reliable, especially after what happened a page back.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeisterBabylon View Post
~~~~~~

Here it is! [ACCEL WORLD SS: GOLD CUB]

Spoiler for Prologue 01:


Pardon my terrible English. I didn't want to reveal much of Gold Cub's real world identity, but I needed to show his origins. So I got the balance here... I think.
It's pretty good, save for a few factual discrepancies here and there. Firstly, it seems that he is a patient in a hospital. If so, he has to be connected to the hospital's local net constantly so that they can monitor his vital signs through his neurolinker. As such, the only way anybody can challenge him is to also be in the hospital, whether as a visitor or a patient.

It seems that they are in the Unlimited Neutral Field, judging from the number of Burst Linkers. However, that would have to mean that all of them were connected to the hospital's local net to be able to meet there.

You also have to be at least level 4 to go into the Unlimited Neutral Field.
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Old 2012-08-06, 17:46   Link #82
MeisterBabylon
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Orange Duke View Post
It's pretty good, save for a few factual discrepancies here and there. Firstly, it seems that he is a patient in a hospital. If so, he has to be connected to the hospital's local net constantly so that they can monitor his vital signs through his neurolinker. As such, the only way anybody can challenge him is to also be in the hospital, whether as a visitor or a patient.
But he's also connected to the internet via the hospital LAN, a feature given to him as a way out of "locked in syndrome", so why can't someone connected to the local telephone exchange challenge him from there?

(apologies if me habit of using medical conditions annoys anyone. )

Though if that's not accurate, then this becomes a clue as to who Burgundy and Maya really are. They were in or around the hospital at the time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Orange Duke View Post
It seems that they are in the Unlimited Neutral Field, judging from the number of Burst Linkers. However, that would have to mean that all of them were connected to the hospital's local net to be able to meet there.

You also have to be at least level 4 to go into the Unlimited Neutral Field.
SaintX picked this up, so I hastily changed the place to the viewing gallery, like how there were a lot of people sitting around watching Crow's first match.

Perhaps, have Burgundy come after the match to have a chat with Gold and invite him to another viewing gallery? After all, he did set the whole thing up to mess with Golden.
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Last edited by MeisterBabylon; 2012-08-06 at 18:11.
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Old 2012-08-06, 21:37   Link #83
Orange Duke
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I believe you're immediately logged out the moment the match ends though. Might want to make it as though someone challenged him again after his match against the two, though it can't be the two who do it as you can only challenge a certain Linker once per day.

The only way you can view a match is if you subscribe to a linker so that you're transported to the gallery when the match happens, since each match only lasts 1.8 seconds in real life.
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Old 2012-08-06, 23:03   Link #84
KeithKurogane
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Hi guys... need a bit of your opinion for Accelerated Zombie.
Spoiler for Accelerated Zombie Prologue v0.7:
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Old 2012-08-07, 00:46   Link #85
MeisterBabylon
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Orange Duke View Post
I believe you're immediately logged out the moment the match ends though. Might want to make it as though someone challenged him again after his match against the two, though it can't be the two who do it as you can only challenge a certain Linker once per day.

The only way you can view a match is if you subscribe to a linker so that you're transported to the gallery when the match happens, since each match only lasts 1.8 seconds in real life.
Oh bother. I'll need to add A LOT more information in between Maya and Gold meeting everyone. However, that seems like a good idea to write something.

Brb.
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Old 2012-08-07, 03:03   Link #86
FlameSparkZ
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Orange Duke View Post
Ah. That was in the English translation or the Japanese original? Because English translations are no longer 100% reliable, especially after what happened a page back.
I've crosschecked the dialog with the original manga, it's correct.
Cyan Pile's Parent was <<Executed>> at the Blue Legion, and lost all Burst Points.

To tell the truth, before knowing about Judgement Blow, I thought <<Execution>> meant that the whole Legion took a turn fighting the DA, each member taking the culprit's points, and then when the BP were at critical, the Legion Master would deal the final blow.
So yeah, there are other ways to pass judgement on someone than Judgement Blow

atm, I'm working on my OCs...and by that, I mean appearance.
I'm doing some sketches of them, then their DAs
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Old 2012-08-07, 03:36   Link #87
Orange Duke
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Then it is rather strange how Haru didn't inquire about how an execution is carried out, considering that he has exhibited a curiosity about every new term that is bought up about Accel World.
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Old 2012-08-07, 11:08   Link #88
churchblue
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Originally Posted by Orange Duke View Post
/facepalm

All you've done is repeat what you said in your last post. Not only that, but you've completely ignored our advice for you a few posts back and on top of that, made him even more OP by saying he is able to fight a king.

If you really want to learn how to write better characters, you need to start to listen to our advice properly and really deconstruct your characters and see what is wrong with them.
Sorry about that. The "real" Carbon Arrow is supposes to be a spoil rich kid who doesn't look at life until a certain event changed him to someone that live life at its fullest (basically make use of the life god gave you to do something worth it). He DEFINITELY not good socializing, but he tries his best. He doesn't open up his feeling and has a hard time trusting a Burst Linker's ethics (except for Fuuko/Sky Raker). He feels that the AW is being abused and the Kings aren't doing anything about it, so he takes matter to his own hands in secret. His weakness is that he's a "suit of armor" and doesn't let anyone in except Fuuko (which is his other weakness). His moral ethics is to "follow the path with the least bloodshed" and is strongly against take a life (in real life) because if you do it; you are no better than a killer. He also has a strong dignity.

This is mainly the reason for his scar for "never missing" and his devotion to endure pain so that others can live. If you don't like this kind of character, that fine by me. I like spoil douches that slow turn into more mature and moral people.

I had another idea character, but didn't fit my description. Gray Phantom is a bit off my style. He is an orphan that has been through a lot of trauma: the lost of his family, the burning of his orphanage and the death of a close friend. He believe him is cursed and he deserves no one. He hardly ever cries anymore and tries to make a living of his own. He uses his "curse" to people that deserved it. He want to live in a better world than his real one (hence got into AW). His scar is his mental trauma and that he believes he is a cursed spirit that punishes the wicked...in other words a phantom.

That's as far as I went. If you can make it better, than do it. Even though I made him, I lost interest in finishing it.
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Old 2012-08-07, 20:24   Link #89
ronelm2000
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Another Promotional Snippet for The Revived Legend of the Black Swordsman <<Side A>>. :3

Spoiler for An early draft. Some things were fixed in the FF chapter:

Last edited by ronelm2000; 2012-08-07 at 20:38.
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Old 2012-08-08, 00:41   Link #90
novalysis
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KeithKurogane View Post
Hi guys... need a bit of your opinion for Accelerated Zombie.
Spoiler for Accelerated Zombie Prologue v0.7:
So far, you are holding my interest, but the dialogue is a little dry.and at times clumsy- especially towards the end. You might to pay more attention to tone of voice, ambiance and surroundings as well as Haru's internal thoughts, since it seems that we are looking at this story from his POV. Else, you run the risk of a dialogue-response-action style of writing, which can get quite repetitive.

For instance, especially at the end, what is the reaction of the rest of the room when Haru plugged on the Neurolinker.

What of physical descriptions? Beautiful doesn't simply cut it, for example - what does Haru think of that kind of beauty? What is Haru feeling? What is the mood of the rest of the room? There's a lot of small little touches you can make to improve this Snippet. How does this Haru look like? Still short and obese? Or perhaps physically different ( less pudgier, still short, but not grossly fat, etc, etc.) after his time in Tokyo?

It's a respectable effort, with an interesting premise that I hope will derail canon quickly, but there's quite alot of room of improvement. The premise grips me, but your writing hasn't exactly yet.
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Old 2012-08-08, 03:40   Link #91
FlameSparkZ
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Okay, just finished checking the piece that I'm about to post, so here goes.

[Accel World: Under the Cloudless Sky]

Prologue
Chapter 01

Spoiler for AW:UtCS - Ch 02 (Part 1):

That's it for now...need to work on the Duel Avatar designs, as I'm not used to drawing robot-like characters.

Also, I may have missed some mistakes, so do point them out so I can fix them
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Last edited by FlameSparkZ; 2012-08-11 at 03:22. Reason: minor fix
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Old 2012-08-08, 03:59   Link #92
Orange Duke
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How does his aunt send him the shopping list if he's not connected to the Global Net?
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Old 2012-08-08, 05:02   Link #93
FlameSparkZ
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How does his aunt send him the shopping list if he's not connected to the Global Net?
Local Network, as seen in episode 13 (during the Direct Link animation), the whole building has it's own network, and each apartment has their personal network space.

I assume that if it's just something trivial as a small text file, then it can be sent to someone without need of Global Net connection.
This is confirmed by the scene where Kuroyukihime sent the optical screenshot to Haru in ep 2.
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Old 2012-08-08, 05:46   Link #94
Orange Duke
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Ah yes, I forgot about that.
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Old 2012-08-10, 14:24   Link #95
churchblue
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I don't see too many things wrong with Carbon Arrow's user, Taiyou. He started out a rich life and then it all blew up (literally). I already told you his weakness is trusting people. He basically has a wall around himself. He feels uneasy around other Burst Linkers (he hates ones that abuse the game). Him using Incernate System is obvious after spend "5 years of hell". Also the guy is trying to be social which he isn't good at. He's been scarred mentally and physically. I'm not saying he's "super", it's just he has his moments. His surviving skills in real life made him a better burst linker. He also was a Black Lotus fan as a kid, however now he is not sure of it. The guy mainly became somewhat emo. At least this character is better than my "Shadow Tesla" character.
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Old 2012-08-11, 08:08   Link #96
KeithKurogane
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@novalysis:
How about now? Should I refine it more?
Spoiler for Accelerated Zombie Prologue v.0.7.1:
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Old 2012-08-12, 18:43   Link #97
novalysis
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I think I know what is bugging me about the last part - it's the fragmentary nature of the very last section - it feels hanging, and I think you might want to shift it to the next chapter, or continue with the entire Brain burst Installation process and explanation.

The other problem is that your writing fills a little stilted at times, and your phrasing can be a little awkward.
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Old 2012-08-13, 18:13   Link #98
FlameSparkZ
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Just finished, scanned and upped the drawing I did of one of my OCs: Renka's school network avatar

Had it in my head for a while, and couldn't focus on drawing the duel avatars so I had to do it
Like Kuroyukihime's, Renka's avatar is a replica of her appearance, plus the obvious additions The outfit is mostly red with gold trimmings, except for the inner part that is black and white.

Well then, back to sketching DAs
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Old 2012-08-13, 18:48   Link #99
MeisterBabylon
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FlameSparkZ View Post
Just finished, scanned and upped the drawing I did of one of my OCs: Renka's school network avatar

Had it in my head for a while, and couldn't focus on drawing the duel avatars so I had to do it
Like Kuroyukihime's, Renka's avatar is a replica of her appearance, plus the obvious additions The outfit is mostly red with gold trimmings, except for the inner part that is black and white.

Well then, back to sketching DAs
Ne, ne, Flame Shark-kun, draw Gold Cub?
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Old 2012-08-14, 00:53   Link #100
blitz1/2
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I wonder if I should start do something of a crossover between Transformers (plotwise) and Accel world.

I mean, I can so picture a more of an all out war after Kuroyuki's call to everyone to fight.

And resulting in MASSIVE amounts of people losing their Brain Burst, causing a crash in the system....
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