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Old 2012-08-16, 09:02   Link #10661
Ledgem
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Join Date: Mar 2003
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Quote:
Originally Posted by csuree View Post
i might be considered selfish here but sorry i might be egoistical but as a self-proclaimed nice guy i think a true nice guy acts like i do..... many of you know (i wrote it sometime) that in the past i was bullied and humiliated but even though these things happened i never lost my humanity, and this is why i was used.
i helped anyone that asked for me, as long as i could, and many times the persons bullying me were asking for my help....you think the obvious response would have been: why should i help you?" this could be the chance to retaliate.
I used to have the same views as you did. It was like trying to be a saint, with the belief that it was the right thing to do, and in the hope that others would recognize it and reciprocate. As a result, I often felt as if I were being taken advantage of. I was putting others before myself and yet it just seemed as if I were handicapping myself.

If you continue to do such a thing then there's a good chance that you'll become resentful. It seems to be human nature: everyone wants recognition and respect for what they do (as "unsaintly" as it may sound), and isn't consistently putting others before yourself among the greatest sacrifices that can be made? If you don't receive any recognition for it, won't you come to feel resentful? And if you're resentful toward others, how can you truly be kind toward them? You can't. Kindness becomes something fake rather than something from the heart; these people corrupt themselves.

The key is setting boundaries and altering your views a bit. You can still be kind and giving to others, but you need to put yourself first. Instead of dropping everything for those who request your help, ask yourself how much you can really give. Put yourself first. This isn't a matter of being selfish, but being realistic; if you don't maintain yourself (physical health, mental health, resources), you will not be able to help anyone.

You're forced to confront this reality when you're in a relationship. Assuming you become very close with your significant other, time taken away from yourself is time taken away from your other half. If you're too tired and/or stressed from helping others, that hurts your other half. (It hurts you, too, but it's always easier to see these effects when it's external to us.)

So be nice, be generous, and be caring - but always consider yourself first.

As far as being direct with girls, the difference between a "nice guy" and a "bad guy" tends to be in the presentation and intent. A "bad guy" stereotypically just wants to sleep with a girl, and isn't thinking about a true relationship. The way he asks a girl out seems less respectful (to me), but there's no true standard. A "nice guy" is more of a gentleman in his intent and courtship - but "passive" is not a part of the definition of what it is to be a gentleman.

What's wrong with being direct with a girl and asking her to a date? Absolutely nothing. My fear a few years ago was that it would make a girl uncomfortable. It pressures her to make a decision that she may not have anticipated. And because it's hard to say no to people (at least, from a "nice guy" perspective), the girl might say yes, and then stress about having to do something that she doesn't want to (another typical "nice guy" dilemma).

Forget about those concerns.

Most people have no problem saying "no" if they're really not interested. Furthermore, it's a confidence-booster to know that you're wanted by someone. Even if a girl rejects you, it's very likely that you just made her day, and perhaps even lifted her entire week. What part of any of this makes you a "bad guy"? The only time you can become close to being a "bad guy" is if you pressure the girl too much (although it's worth noting that perseverance is occasionally required in initiating a date, and can be seen as a good thing - you need to balance that perseverance against coming off as badgering).

The hardest part of asking someone out really comes back to you. You're putting yourself out there, making yourself vulnerable, and opening yourself to rejection. With the proper attitude and confidence these are not traumatic events. Being direct in this manner is not a bad thing to do.
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Old 2012-08-16, 09:34   Link #10662
DonQuigleone
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ledgem View Post
As far as being direct with girls, the difference between a "nice guy" and a "bad guy" tends to be in the presentation and intent. A "bad guy" stereotypically just wants to sleep with a girl, and isn't thinking about a true relationship. The way he asks a girl out seems less respectful (to me), but there's no true standard. A "nice guy" is more of a gentleman in his intent and courtship - but "passive" is not a part of the definition of what it is to be a gentleman.

What's wrong with being direct with a girl and asking her to a date? Absolutely nothing. My fear a few years ago was that it would make a girl uncomfortable. It pressures her to make a decision that she may not have anticipated. And because it's hard to say no to people (at least, from a "nice guy" perspective), the girl might say yes, and then stress about having to do something that she doesn't want to (another typical "nice guy" dilemma).
If you put in terms of just asking her out for something casual, it doesn't seem nearly so bad. If you met a guy, and really hit off, you wouldn't hesitate to get his number and arrange to meet up again, likewise, if you meet a great girl you should do the same. That's not to say that you're asking her to have sex with you. It's just casual, nothing big. Maybe you(and she) will want to take things forward, maybe not. No big deal.
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Old 2012-08-16, 18:06   Link #10663
Ledgem
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DonQuigleone View Post
If you put in terms of just asking her out for something casual, it doesn't seem nearly so bad. If you met a guy, and really hit off, you wouldn't hesitate to get his number and arrange to meet up again, likewise, if you meet a great girl you should do the same. That's not to say that you're asking her to have sex with you. It's just casual, nothing big. Maybe you(and she) will want to take things forward, maybe not. No big deal.
That's true, but you also need to make your intentions clear. In our society it is very unusual for a man to ask for time alone with a woman (as in sharing a meal or activity, not privacy) if there's no romantic intent behind it. Even if you're thinking to yourself that it's just about being friends, or if you're trying to fool yourself into thinking that in order to make asking easier, you'd surely be aware that it occurs to the girl that you might be asking her out.

On the flip side, a source of great frustration for many people (perhaps women as well as men) is having romantic advances interpreted as being purely platonic.

So as I say, it's better to be direct. A lot of this has to do with body language and tone, but you want to make it clear that you're expressing interest in the person either with romantic or possibly romantic intent.
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Old 2012-08-16, 18:59   Link #10664
Yolks
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Love is very much a selfish and a selfless thing. There are over seven billion people on the earth and as I've gotten older, I've realized that it's very rare for two people to mutually connect on a romantic level. You meet a lot of friends and fiends in your lifetime, but there are very few people that can meet you half-way across a bridge. Figuratively speaking. And a mistake a lot of "nice guys" and girls (the kind that complain about all guys being shallow) make, especially during the high school years is being a bit too selfless. They end up as Ledgem said, resentful for their lack of recognition. And you can blame a bit on the naivete of a young soul swept up in the arms of passion and puberty.

It's selfish to want to be loved by someone for no reason, but it is also human. There really is nothing wrong to ask a girl out to see if you guys might work out. It's nerve wracking yes, but ultimately of very little consequence to you (aside from some hurt pride) You don't need to be forceful, just curt. There isn't a complex ritual for dating or some secret. In the end you just enjoy someone else's company and they enjoy yours. A lot of people date not because they like each other, but because they want to figure out if they do.
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Old 2012-08-16, 20:31   Link #10665
DonQuigleone
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ledgem View Post
That's true, but you also need to make your intentions clear. In our society it is very unusual for a man to ask for time alone with a woman (as in sharing a meal or activity, not privacy) if there's no romantic intent behind it. Even if you're thinking to yourself that it's just about being friends, or if you're trying to fool yourself into thinking that in order to make asking easier, you'd surely be aware that it occurs to the girl that you might be asking her out.
Well yes. On the other hand, you have to figure out if the person is relationship material. You don't need to date after you've fallen in love with one another. The whole point of dating is to figure out "Is this person the right stuff?" Starting out, you're going to be interested, but you won't know them well enough to really know if they're what you want. So the first few dates should be strictly casual.
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Old 2012-08-16, 21:49   Link #10666
ChainLegacy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DonQuigleone View Post
Jaysus. I don't want to be tieing the knot with anyone for at least another 5 years.
Haha, never seen that colloquialism in textual form... Anyways, yeah I am with you on that one in some respects, but I feel a little silly being the only one of my friends not pursuing anything serious. Rushing things is bad but one can certainly have a short term or long term sort of outlook on how to approach relationships... My sporadic ass attempts are all quite short term...
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Old 2012-08-16, 21:56   Link #10667
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I'm attending a wedding party this weekend and one of my coworkers got married earlier this year (he's in his mid-20s).

Seeing people my age tying the knot doesn't really put any additional pressure on me...I'm just going about things at my own pace...meaning I'm still flying solo but I'm working on fixing that...
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Old 2012-08-16, 22:01   Link #10668
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Yolks View Post
[...]
It's selfish to want to be loved by someone for no reason, but it is also human. There really is nothing wrong to ask a girl out to see if you guys might work out. It's nerve wracking yes, but ultimately of very little consequence to you (aside from some hurt pride) You don't need to be forceful, just curt. There isn't a complex ritual for dating or some secret. In the end you just enjoy someone else's company and they enjoy yours. A lot of people date not because they like each other, but because they want to figure out if they do.
Agreed.

It's a lot of trial and error. And it's been told to me several times that relationships work when the two parties enjoy each others company—it's all that it boils down to and nothing more complicated than that.

In this "quest" of wanting to be loved by someone over the years, I'm getting a much better idea of what I'm looking for in another woman. The attempted flings that used to confuse me as to why they failed no longer bother me anymore—I know now that there was no chance for me and that other girl to work something out. Or, there was never any chemistry to begin with.
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Old 2012-08-17, 02:15   Link #10669
csuree
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yeah, searching for happiness is the greatest quest of all.....you have to "fight" many battles to level up, and to defeat the bosses, but the drop can be fabulous....MMO terms.

as far as chemistry works out and there is the spark that can ignite even when the relationship is in an advanced state 1-2-3+ years then i would say this can go to the next level, by marrying each other,

i'm not saying you have to have a serious realationship for long years but it is a great test, of love and passion, boys and sometimes girls too tend to get bored in a relationship that is lasting more than a year, but if that feeling of excitement like at the start of it is still there and they use it to liven up the relationship....i think then they are ready to be a married couple, because this is also needed for commiment.

the ones who get bored in the relationship and get married tend to divorce or cheat one another because of the lack of excitement, and because their relationship "flattens", the feeling that was there when they started going out...

i am now looking for new girls on the internet.. i chat them up and try to arrange a meeting....so far no luck yet, but i'm optimistic. (this is just momentary as i have very little time)
so in the near future (next payday) i will go out more in town and do this in reality, and i got a piece of advice from my little brother: when i feel like i'm getting nervous about being with the girl imagine that you are with a male friend and chat casually, (P.S. for the ones who love guys it is the other way around )

anyhow, i wanna get married as the time comes but there is this little pressure from my parents: "when will you get a girl?... did you hook up with someone?.....etc." okay i understand their concern too.
and there is a little pressure from me too: i want that my granny could come to my wedding, to see my children too (i want to have a girl and a boy) as she is getting older (i hope IT won't happen in another 20 years - you understand what i meant here).

but i think i should and i will not rush into anything, my happiness is at stake if i get into something reckless and make a mistake. as my parents and granny would also want me to be happy.

huuuuh??? i just realized how serious can a marriage be.....okay.....i definitely will take my time choosing the best partner.

also i heard somewhere that love is like joy and suffering, and sacrifice.....i think it is true in one way or more.
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Old 2012-08-17, 15:36   Link #10670
Paradoxine
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Quote:
Originally Posted by csuree View Post
yeah, searching for happiness is the greatest quest of all.....you have to "fight" many battles to level up, and to defeat the bosses, but the drop can be fabulous....MMO terms.

as far as chemistry works out and there is the spark that can ignite even when the relationship is in an advanced state 1-2-3+ years then i would say this can go to the next level, by marrying each other,

i'm not saying you have to have a serious realationship for long years but it is a great test, of love and passion, boys and sometimes girls too tend to get bored in a relationship that is lasting more than a year, but if that feeling of excitement like at the start of it is still there and they use it to liven up the relationship....i think then they are ready to be a married couple, because this is also needed for commiment.

the ones who get bored in the relationship and get married tend to divorce or cheat one another because of the lack of excitement, and because their relationship "flattens", the feeling that was there when they started going out...

i am now looking for new girls on the internet.. i chat them up and try to arrange a meeting....so far no luck yet, but i'm optimistic. (this is just momentary as i have very little time)
so in the near future (next payday) i will go out more in town and do this in reality, and i got a piece of advice from my little brother: when i feel like i'm getting nervous about being with the girl imagine that you are with a male friend and chat casually, (P.S. for the ones who love guys it is the other way around )

anyhow, i wanna get married as the time comes but there is this little pressure from my parents: "when will you get a girl?... did you hook up with someone?.....etc." okay i understand their concern too.
and there is a little pressure from me too: i want that my granny could come to my wedding, to see my children too (i want to have a girl and a boy) as she is getting older (i hope IT won't happen in another 20 years - you understand what i meant here).

but i think i should and i will not rush into anything, my happiness is at stake if i get into something reckless and make a mistake. as my parents and granny would also want me to be happy.

huuuuh??? i just realized how serious can a marriage be.....okay.....i definitely will take my time choosing the best partner.

also i heard somewhere that love is like joy and suffering, and sacrifice.....i think it is true in one way or more.
Ummm this has really been bothering me but why exactly do you want a partner? It seems to me that you'd pursue any girl who gave you a second glance. I just don't understand. Is getting a partner really so important to you? Why? I realise I'm being a bit flippant here but your posts here just seem...I don't know, maybe contrived is the word I'm looking for.

I realise that not everyone is like me and can or wants to live in utter solitude, but seriously I think If you and girl X spent more time enjoying each other's company before trying for a relationship, you might meet the kind of person you're looking for more easily. In other word's, it seems to me like you need to think less and be less calculating in general.

Particularly the part that irked me is that you want children(2) and yet you're not even in a relationship. I don't know, your way of life is evidently drastically different than mine.
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Old 2012-08-17, 17:55   Link #10671
csuree
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yeah i could say i think a bit differently from most other guys out there.....

and yeah i even said it myself that i think too much.. i should rely more on my instincts, but what can i say ...its not that i can dump all this knowledge in an instant. many times i wondered if i had only an IQ of 100 wouldn't i be happier.....

i do not see a problem with planning ahead a bit do you???

to why i want a partner the answer is simple: the life i am leading now is not fulfilling.... i want o experience true emotional happiness not just a fleeting imitation of it that i experienced until now. i'm not after p_ssies or any carnal desires fulfilled.... though that comes with a relationship so it is an added bonus. but as i said it my emotional life is like a wreck now...thinking back i smile and i laugh at times but those are just momentary. and as i walk out the door of the factory heading home i wish i had someone who would say some kind words to me....so cheer me up a bit, to have a decent conversation.... to not come home and sit alone in an apartment.....only looking at the walls or out the window.....

and you might be right after being a 24 year old with no relationship experience at all i might pursue any girl who gives a tiny damn about me.....you really do not feel that craving for someone to be there near you to cuddle up to someone.. and stuff that usually couples do????....

i never experienced those, so i am like someone who eats all he can but never feel full enough.

Right now at this moment i know i sound desperate... but the reality is that i AM desperate right now. my brother came home some time ago again with a girl.....and this makes me feel so miserable inside that my heart feels like it squeezes so much that it is shattering.

what can i do .... nothing.. i take to heart every little thing in my life.....

this is it....that was the answer to your question.... now .... i go to do some stargazing to take mi mind off this issue.. so i could have another fleeting moment of happiness.
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Old 2012-08-17, 18:17   Link #10672
NorthernFallout
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I was trying to figure out in my head what I felt was "off" with what you've been saying. Paradoxine's post made it materialize: You remind me somewhat of myself.

The longing, the planning, etc. Those emotions you speak of. Nothing of this is a problem in itself, nor wrong; if anything I would say it's a good thing that you know what you want. The problem might become one of self-revelation, which is what happened to me. You say yourself you have no experience with relationships but are dead-set on what you want. I did quite the same thing and crashed and burned because of it as I came to realize it wasn't what I wanted, as I had lied to myself during the entire thing just to fulfill wishes brought on by situations such as these. Call it emotional immaturity if you will. I think it's quite common in stages such as these.

Then again, I learned and grew from it. It was also highly personal (as these things are) so hopefully you aren't like me. All we're saying is, be careful and, perhaps, let it come when it comes. You might be dwelling a tad too much on it.
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Old 2012-08-17, 18:31   Link #10673
DonQuigleone
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A girlfriend is just a more intense form of a normal friend. Do we plan and make intricate strategies regarding making normal friends?

Why should we do any differently with girlfriends?
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Old 2012-08-17, 19:20   Link #10674
Paradoxine
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DonQuigleone View Post
A girlfriend is just a more intense form of a normal friend. Do we plan and make intricate strategies regarding making normal friends?

Why should we do any differently with girlfriends?
Quote:
Originally Posted by csuree View Post
yeah i could say i think a bit differently from most other guys out there.....

and yeah i even said it myself that i think too much.. i should rely more on my instincts, but what can i say ...its not that i can dump all this knowledge in an instant. many times i wondered if i had only an IQ of 100 wouldn't i be happier.....

i do not see a problem with planning ahead a bit do you???

to why i want a partner the answer is simple: the life i am leading now is not fulfilling.... i want o experience true emotional happiness not just a fleeting imitation of it that i experienced until now. i'm not after p_ssies or any carnal desires fulfilled.... though that comes with a relationship so it is an added bonus. but as i said it my emotional life is like a wreck now...thinking back i smile and i laugh at times but those are just momentary. and as i walk out the door of the factory heading home i wish i had someone who would say some kind words to me....so cheer me up a bit, to have a decent conversation.... to not come home and sit alone in an apartment.....only looking at the walls or out the window.....

and you might be right after being a 24 year old with no relationship experience at all i might pursue any girl who gives a tiny damn about me.....you really do not feel that craving for someone to be there near you to cuddle up to someone.. and stuff that usually couples do????....

i never experienced those, so i am like someone who eats all he can but never feel full enough.

Right now at this moment i know i sound desperate... but the reality is that i AM desperate right now. my brother came home some time ago again with a girl.....and this makes me feel so miserable inside that my heart feels like it squeezes so much that it is shattering.

what can i do .... nothing.. i take to heart every little thing in my life.....

this is it....that was the answer to your question.... now .... i go to do some stargazing to take mi mind off this issue.. so i could have another fleeting moment of happiness.
The word 'strategies' made me smile Yeah when put into word's its easier to see how someone else or indeed ourselves are functioning 'really'. Look I'm not saying that everyone in a relationship doesn't strategize whatsoever and just floats about aimlessly until a relationship just happens upon them by sheer act of divine will, that's clearly not true. To some extent it's impossible to not plan out to some degree what you want and how to get it, but when you obsess, ultimately it will hinder rather than improve your chances of a relationship.


This next bit is partly due to NorthenFallout's post, but here it is: You talk about not being 'fulfilled' and say "i wish i had someone who would say some kind words to me....so cheer me up a bit, to have a decent conversation.... to not come home and sit alone in an apartment.....only looking at the walls or out the window....."

While it is true in some cases that a partner could make you feel more fulfilled and 'happy'(whatever that means), it's certainly not true all the time. You've mentioned before that you would try your best to choose the right partner, which is great. My issue with what I understand is this: You're not particularly happy right now, in fact I'd go as far as to say you sound unhappy. You also seem to imply that a partner will change all of this. This is the start of the problem.

A partner should be just a bonus, a luxury if you will. I've realised I could write two pages on this at this point, so I'm going to try to make this short. You have hobbies, right? Activities other than work (and anime, that doesn't count in this forum ) which you genuinely enjoy. I'd even suggest that it would be better to nigh on obsess on a few hobbies rather than have none. You don't ever want to have your happiness or self-worth dependent on a single person. Taking me for example, I pursue hobbies including electronics(I hope to get a bachelor's in electrical engineering), technology, science and of course, anime.

Believe me when I say it's far easier to find a partner when you're happy enough to function without them rather than finding a partner in order to become happy. I don't think you're at this level, but there are many people I've talked to who are stuck in this situation:

1. Unhappy person need's (according to them) partner to become happy
2. Many Potential partner's want to find already happy partner(can you blame them?) -> Go back to step one.

I'll stop here because while I could write more, I don't think It would make any real difference. I wish you the best of luck, of course and I'll continue to follow this thread but I think you honestly need to work on yourself and your lifestyle first. It's what I plan to do and maybe, one day, I'll find a partner. Or maybe not. But it shouldn't be my one hope that motivates me.

Of course, I could be wrong about all of this, seeing as there's no objectivity to what I'm saying and worse yet I know very little about you(what I'm saying might even be offensive for which I apologise). I simply retain the naive hope that I could help a fellow guy out over the internet. Just think about what I said though, you may come up with a better way of achieving what you want.
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Old 2012-08-17, 19:28   Link #10675
csuree
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huh i came back from stargazing... actually i gazed more at the ground walking around with hung head.....i forgot that it is friday....when the whole youth in town are at the clubs.....encountering it just made my day(night) worse....

hehe.. the problem itself is me.....i suck at making friends...

ever since high school ended i did not have friends to hang out with, i started working.. i went with the colleagues to party a few times but as i switched jobs, nothing lasting.. only occasional friends....

i am a truly lonely person......

the real issue is can't even make friends let alone get a girl.....

anyway i don't feel good now i think i get some sleep hten see what the new day does not bring me.

EDIT: 03:36 GMT+2

heh electrical engineering.....i hate to break it to you i finished my bachelors degree in it......and actually i will say it to you......I HATE IT......I really f*cking hate it......and now you will laugh: i finished as number 3, on the entire year, with scholarship......

Who the f*ck finishes a college he hates as number 3.????? there is something wrong with me somewhere....

and i do not have any hobbies that i can say are sustainable.. i had but due to accident i had to drop sports like forever....
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Old 2012-08-17, 22:24   Link #10676
Yolks
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csuree, it sounds like you don't have any ambition in life. You sound like you've confined your world to the apartment wall. You probably feel like a fish in an aquarium, watching the world moving along beyond your plexiglass walls. Paradoxine is right, you need to fulfill your own life. You sound as if your life is devoted to finding someone else to share it with when it should really be about enjoying your own life.

You should find a hobby or better yet, an obsession. Do things you wouldn't normally do. Take a drive (or bike) out into the hills and watch the sunset and wait for the city night. Take a day off to sit outside a coffee shop and enjoy watching people passby. Go to an anime convention. Go to a club just to dance. Go to a bangin' concert (i suggest daft punk if they go on tour) to dance again. Life has a lot to offer you just need to go out of your way to get to it. And Paradoxine is right (again), people are attracted to happy people. I find that the most attractive feature about a person is an honest smile. The kind where you can tell that they enjoy whatever they do. And you need to do things that leaves you grinning all the more.

And if this all sounds preachy or stupid, I don't mean to be. I'm only blunt because it's depressing knowing a fellow anime lover isn't enjoying life and its splendors.

Oh and csuree? I saw your pictures. Even from the standpoint of a guy, you've got looks. I wouldn't put you on a cereal box or anything but I'm sure girls have taken some time out of their day to look over. Relax a bit and you might even look kamina kool.
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Old 2012-08-18, 02:19   Link #10677
csuree
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yeah you are right my ambition in life was shattered some time ago and i went on a wrong track (this was also because of lack of financial resources).

now being 24 starting a new college, that i like is problematic....another 4 years to finish it....i'll be 28-29 and..... look i did not achieve anything....
staying on the electrical engineering field will get me nowhere because no one excels in something they hate....so i will not and i don't want to involve myself to a promotion or something cause given the financial situation here, i would be forced to staying the field , and not advance, or change to something better and thinking that you will work years of your life in somthing you hate does not give you a sense of accomplishment..

about going out... i would really love to, but some things on your list require money(almost every one), and i as an engineer i work for 250-280$/month of which i have to pay a loan, i have to buy food, i help my parents, and i like remain with nothing extra.....maybe i can save up with a greater effort, some money.. to go out 2-3 times a month somewhere but i would be very limited in terms of consumption and spending..

i want to break free from these "chains" but as i "force" myself something happens, and makes me stay....for instance this sunday my brother suffered an accident with the car, he did not get injured but the car had to be taken to the service and now more than half of my salary(in terms of price) goes to the repairs.....good thing we made insurance on it, else we would be paying 1-2000$ dollars for the repair, so i am kinda lucky on this aspect...

wow.. it is the end of august....and like in the 10 years behind me, i did not do anything special, and happy. i worked through this summer too....

i'll see what i can do about your suggestion....for the new obsessions. as soon as this harder time goes by i hope nothing will happen so i can get on my feet again,

yeah i should enjoy life as much as i can..... maybe today i will go to the ridge near the town o see if my wallet permits to go to a club and drink 1-2 beers
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Old 2012-08-18, 03:59   Link #10678
Knightrunner
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Csuree,

What are your future date plans and activities once you get a date? If you can't think of any then it's a good chance to build up on that. I always like to think about what may happen and the plans.
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Old 2012-08-18, 12:15   Link #10679
csuree
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my future date plans will model themselves after the partner....of course i will not take a girl who likes museums to an auto show.....mostly i will improvise, to keep the suspense in the relationship.....most girls like guys who can surprise them.....

and partly because when i plan out something 99% chance is that the plan fails....so i remain at the old habit of acting on the moments spur.

i would also say that general outlines are set...but i did not plan out everything to the smallest details.

and my general idea....i get to know the girl(1-2-3 weeks, depending on how often we are meeting) ....going to dates, becoming a couple(~2 weeks)......after 1.5-2 months into the relationship if thing go that way, sexual intercourse, but the girl will decide it mostly, in this matter i just wanna go with the flow, but if there is no action for a long time then i will bluntly ask the reason...so in short if i get to meet a girl today, at the end of september we would become a couple and by the time new year has come or on new years' eve, to have sex with her.
i never said that i want only a platonic relationship, but i think we should not hurry with sex, because that is like a turning point. until then we can remain friends if we break up, but after it, i think it would be akward.

this i thin said it to you that my intentions are not dirty, when i want to hook up with a girl.....anyhow if i resisted not having sex from puberty until now....i certainly will resist another few months.

hope this gave you an idea of my mentality and thinking.

anyway almost forgot, thanks for the advice, i will try to do my best.
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Old 2012-08-18, 22:45   Link #10680
Ledgem
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Northeast USA
Age: 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Paradoxine View Post
While it is true in some cases that a partner could make you feel more fulfilled and 'happy'(whatever that means), it's certainly not true all the time. You've mentioned before that you would try your best to choose the right partner, which is great. My issue with what I understand is this: You're not particularly happy right now, in fact I'd go as far as to say you sound unhappy. You also seem to imply that a partner will change all of this. This is the start of the problem.
I agree.

After she divorced from my father, my mother gave me this advice about relationships: in order for a relationship to be successful, you first need to be able to stand on your own. If you enter into a relationship with major unresolved issues, or if you lean on the relationship too heavily to patch up problems that you had in your life, it will put a lot of strain on the relationship. It also makes you vulnerable to bad judgment, such as committing to someone who truly isn't right for you.

Ideally a relationship is something that both members can draw strength from. However, first the relationship needs to be built up. By way of analogy, you can think of a relationship as being a child. It's fine for a parent to lean on their child for support after the child has matured and grown up, but what parent leans on their infant child for support?

Find happiness with your own life, and settle your issues. Entering a relationship and adding a partner to your life should ideally be something done to further your happiness and life ambitions, not to cultivate happiness in the first place.

There's a practical reason behind that advice, too. In my experience, people recognize unhappiness and they try to avoid it. Conversely, if you are truly happy, people will be drawn to you.

Ultimately there is no blueprint or map for success on this topic. It is even harder for people like us, who do not share the same interests and activities as almost everyone else seems to. Do what you think is right, but keep our advice in mind. And don't worry too much about planning. One of my favorite sayings is something along the lines of, "Man plans, and God laughs" - the point being that life is completely unpredictable. Don't set age- or date-related goals when it comes to relationships. Live each day to the fullest that you can, and should an opportunity come your way, seize it. There's not much more control over the situation than that, and trying to come up with plans will likely just make you frustrated.

I might also suggest (along with others) that you not dwell too much on it. As someone who loves to dwell on things, I can tell you for a fact that dwelling on things can feel good in its own way; it can feel and be productive, too. But dwelling on something generally prevents you from taking action and making any real changes.

Hang in there.
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